Accidentally on Purpose s01e14 Episode Script

What's this? It's for Billie.
Oh, a reward for climbing all those stairs.
Maybe I'll just go home.
Oh, my God, it's the crib! - Zack! - Okay, let me get that.
Dude, a little help? She's not carrying my baby yet.
Oh, my God, this is so exciting.
The baby's going to live in this crib for the first two years of his life.
It's going to look so cute when we put it all together Okay, it looks good here for now.
And there it sat.
They ignored the box? Oh, no, the box got a lot of attention.
Oh, you're all out of soda.
Better go downstairs to get some more.
DAVIS Oh, man! Oh, I should have seen it coming after you did it to the UPS guy.
Dude, this box was totally worth $400.
DAVIS Yes.
You think he ignored it to make some sort of a statement? No, I think he was genuinely having fun with the box.
That's as deep as it gets.
Well, why don't I just come over today and help you put the crib together? No, no.
He'll get to it.
That's one of the perks of having a boyfriend.
Why don't you manipulate Zack? That's what I do with Nick.
He won't even realize you're doing it.
It's like killing someone with carbon monoxide.
They don't know what's happening.
It's just smile, smile, smile dead.
Smile, smile, smile you're freaking me out.
Oh, hello, boys.
Oh! Air kiss! Aw.
So, why did you want us to meet you at a gay bar? This is a gay bar? You'll find out in a second.
Now, go and order us another drink.
All right, Pusharella.
Excuse me.
Hold on, Mary.
I'll be with you in a second.
Ta-da! Oh, my God.
Thank you! Oh, my God.
I just realized I'm working in a gay bar.
It's 9:00! You know what that means! Are you are you covered in baby oil? It's Pam.
With a little rouge around the nipples.
Now we know why phones have a camera.
# I can't be anything without you.
# Dude, you got to, like, lift some weights or something, 'cause compared to these other guys, you look like you're melting.
Okay, be cool.
Please do not blow this for me.
These people think I'm gay.
Why do they think that? Because I told them I was gay.
You don't have to be gay to work in a gay bar.
I know that now.
Look, my rent went up, I need the extra cash, and the tips are amazing here.
And I'm good with anything up to second base.
Excuse me! Need some "make me feel better" juice over here.
I hope for your sake, he's talking about a drink.
Coming, Jerome.
I love this place.
How come we don't come here all the time? I do.
I come here with my gay friends once a week.
I couldn't look like this without them.
Trust me.
You should have seen me before.
If you're not Scottish, you're a complete disaster.
I am Scottish.
Then, there's still a little hope for you.
So, you met a gay guy in the street, and that's how you became so fashionable? Oh, yeah.
Before she met Trent, she looked like a baked potato in a kilt.
Trent took pity on me.
I want a gay friend.
I found out at work they call me Drabby Abby.
And sometimes, when we go late, they call me Crabby, Drabby Abby.
And when it's that time of the month and I'm bloated Oh, wait, let me guess Flabby? Yes.
Flabby, Crabby, Drabby Abby.
I don't understand.
I mean, look at this cute little sweater set I got at the silent auction at my church.
Maybe a little gay couldn't hurt.
Billie.
Oh! Notice anything different about the living room? No.
Why? What would be different? Come on, admit it, it was bothering you that I left the crib in the middle of the living room.
No, I thought it was delightful.
Okay.
Well, I took care of it.
Wow.
You moved the box.
Yep.
Moved it all by myself.
I'm gonna need a little back rub later.
Oh, that's so what I want to do to you.
So, this baby's coming.
We're getting close, huh? Yeah.
You weigh a lot.
You think we're ready? You think everything's ready? I guess so.
Would you dig in there? When I turned the corner to the nursery, I think I really pulled something.
Old Frisbee injury.
Yeah.
I guess the nursery's not quite there yet, but what's the difference, really? I mean, the baby's probably just going to be sleeping with us, right? Mm-hmm.
What? Well, yeah, if you don't get a baby in a crib pretty early, it sort of gets used to sleeping in the bed.
Oh, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You mean in-in this bed? In, uh in our bed? With us? Yeah, I mean, a lot of people do a family bed, you know, where the kid just sleeps with the parents.
For how long? I don't know.
Could be years.
You know what we got to do? We got to get that crib together.
Smile, smile, smile, dead.
Am I a terrible person for manipulating him? No! Oh, good, 'cause I was fantastic at it.
Manipulation is one of the best tools in the lady toolbox.
Along with the vagina.
Oh! Abby, I have got a surprise for you.
Really?! What? Hi.
I'm Bob.
- Is this my - Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, you're gay! Oh, he sure is.
Bob, this is Abby.
Abby, this is Bob.
Now, Bob is a Scorpio, he has a ferret named George Clooney, and he makes a mean French onion soup.
So, you can The secret's to melt the Gruyère with a little baby torch.
I feel like my life is changing already! So, anyway, Larry, the ex, still has some stuff at my house.
He wants to come by and pick it up.
So, should I not be there, or should I be there Completely naked? Jerome, Jerome, Jerome.
I hate hate seeing you on this emotional roller coaster.
I mean, you're better than Larry.
You deserve more than a bodybuilder just trying to get his green card.
I loved his laugh, his tofu scramble, the way that he would carry me from room to room.
Listen, mister, you are a gorgeous hunk of man, okay? And there isn't a guy in here who doesn't want a big, hot slice of Jerome.
- There isn't? - No.
So, what time do you get off? Oh Hello? Anybody home? Hey, I want to show you something.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Okay, open your eyes.
Oh! Oh, my God, you put the And you hung the Oh, and look at the cute little Oh, you are so going to get it, mister.
Oh! Oh Oh, I see.
You put all of your stuff in my room.
How do you amass that much crap at 22? When I was 22, all I had was a Miata, a thong and a diaphragm, and it was a great year.
Thanks for nothing.
Bob was very disappointing.
We rode the bus he sat, I stood.
He wanted to go to the 99-cent store and buy soap and shorts and out-of-season greeting cards.
I thought he was going to take me from "Drabby" to "Fabby," but instead he just took me to the food court at the mall.
Who puts orange chicken on a Cinnabon? All right, back off.
Listen, Bob is hypoglycemic.
He has to eat 11 times a day.
It's either that or have a pump installed.
Chicken on a Cinnabon that is brilliant.
You want someone better, you go out and find him.
- How? - Sweetie, we live in San Francisco.
Just go out there and sing four bars of Lady Gaga.
They'll be crawling all over you.
Can you help me get these pants off? Please tell me you're wearing underwear.
I'll tell you, but it won't make it true.
So, uh, this might be a a weird time for me to ask you this or a perfect time but, uh, I got myself into a bit of a situation with Jerome.
Uh-huh.
Suck it in, dude.
Yeah, well, the thing is, Jerome came on to me, and, you know, he's going through a real rough patch right now.
And I didn't want to hurt his feelings, you know, 'cause he's a really cool dude, so I told him I had a boyfriend.
So, I guess, you know, what I'm asking is, uh, well, do you think you could be my boyfriend? Your junk looks like it's been crushed in.
Anyway, let me ask you this very uncomfortable question one more time.
Will you be my boyfriend? No, man, I'm not going to do that.
Come on, man.
I helped you put that crib together.
Still got a splinter in my pinkie.
Actually, that's a pen mark.
I mean, the least you can do is just, you know, pretend to love me for an hour.
Dude, it's just not believable.
I mean, do you really think you could get a a me? Do you really think you could get a me? Yeah, like, easily.
Yeah, you're probably right.
The truth is, I'm just so excited to show you off! - Hi.
- Hey.
So, you had a surprise for me, now I have a surprise for you.
Close your eyes.
I like where this is going.
But I I just had some weird stuff at Davis's, so I think I should probably take a shower first.
My stuff is gone.
Right.
Your stuff is gone.
To a better place.
Let me take you on a tour of your stuff.
Much like a squirrel places its nuts, I have placed your items in various advantageous spots around the apartment.
Say you want to get dressed in the morning.
What's the first thing you need? My stuff back? Underwear! Under where? The couch! You have to lift it up a little bit.
But on the bright side, when I moved it, I realized it was a pull-out bed.
I had no idea.
All right, so you got your underwear.
Now you need some pants.
Where do we go for that? The pantry! Anyway, I made a map of all your stuff.
You are here.
No, wait here.
No, wait.
Here.
Do you have any inkling that this isn't going very well? I do now.
Look, I know it's ridiculous, but so was you turning my bedroom into a Goodwill donation center.
Well, if you didn't like all the stuff in the room, then why didn't you just get rid of some of your crap and make room for mine? Because everything in that room is essential and necessary.
Ski jacket? Seven robes? Okay, this dress let's be honest, you're never fitting into this again.
That's my stomach flu dress.
Every girl has one.
You have a floppy hat collection like I've never seen.
Who are you, Molly Ringwald? You know who Molly Ringwald is? So, it's more important that those hats are in your room than me? Come on, Zack.
It's not my room; it's our room.
Well, it doesn't feel like that right now.
Why are you so upset? Because you expect me to go on a freaking scavenger hunt in order to get dressed.
It's really more of a treasure hunt, 'cause you have a map.
Look, I tried to do something nice, but if we're really going to be a family, then you got to start compromising.
That's our room, and I need my stuff in it.
Now, I just need to get my jacket.
I need to go do something for Davis.
Jacket Jacket.
See how easy that was? When I saw all of his stuff in my room, it just hit me we were really doing this.
We are together.
I mean, I love him, but I just wish everything in this relationship didn't jump out from behind a tree and ambush me.
Well, don't think of it that way.
Think of it as something jumping out from behind a tree and loving you.
I'm no one to give advice.
Several people think I'm a man.
Hi.
I'm Abby.
Can one of you help me become the lady I've always wanted to be? Wow.
You look fantastic.
Where are you in your transition? Oh, I still need a lot of work.
'Cause I haven't even gotten highlights or advice on which skirt length is in this season.
Well, you have an amazing tape job.
Oh, I sure do! We're taping it all up! Snap! They thought you were a transsexual? I have big hands.
Yes, I met this Adonis at the dog park six months ago.
You know, sometimes when the light catches his hair just right, I say to myself, "I'm the luckiest man in the world.
" Yeah, and we have super gay sex, like, 24 hours a day.
There you are.
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was so selfish.
I want the mess.
I want you.
I want you in my room.
I want you in my life.
Hey, your boyfriend's kissing a pregnant girl.
What's going on here? I don't know, but I intend to find out immediately.
Get away from him! He's my boyfriend! Huh? Zack is my boyfriend.
That's why I can't go out with Jerome.
Oh Oh! You didn't tell me you had a hot little piece on the side.
You bastard! I don't see why I can't be with the both of you.
There's enough of me to go around.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I share you with anyone.
You don't deserve him.
Call me.
And it turns out that the cute bartender was involved in this incestuous little freak show, and the sad thing I'm so Ionely, I was actually kind of jealous.
Uh-huh.
Well, you have no reason to be jealous of anyone.
Because even though I just met you, I can tell that you have a lot to give to someone.
And whoever ends up getting you is going to be really, really lucky.
Do you have a gay man in your life? - No.
- Well, you do now.