American Housewife (2016) s01e14 Episode Script

1 Deejay: Here's another Valentine's Day favorite.
[Captain and Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together" plays.]
Love Love will keep us together Katie: Nope.
I've got enough things annoying me.
And there's one right there.
Oliver clearly has a problem he wants to share, but he needs me to pull it out of him.
Watch.
Everything okay? Never better.
[Sighs.]
Taylor has something she wants to ask me but is afraid I'll say no.
If I seem agitated, she'll wait till later.
- Hey, Mom.
- Ohh! Just great! And my sweet little annoyance number 3.
Anna-Kat, you don't need to spend 10 minutes on each Valentine card.
But I want them to be nice for kids in my class.
Daddy said I should take pride in my work.
But that's not for stupid stuff, like made-up holidays.
Manufactured romance is just not my thing.
I don't have the gene for it unlike some people.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh.
To you, too, baby.
- Mm.
So, Taylor tells me We've got to go, or I'll be late for volleyball! I'm team captain! Team captain can't be late! Geez, Taylor.
Let's save that level of panic for the first time you miss your period.
Come on, let's move it, people.
I know you have to write your book proposal, so don't feel like you need to do anything big for me this year.
Big? What ever do you mean? Your sugar Yes, please Won't you come and put it down on me? Down on me - I'm right here - Right here - 'Cause I need - 'Cause I need Little love, a little sympathy Sympathy, baby Yeah, you show me good loving Make it all right Need a little sweetness Yeah Seriously, a card is all I need.
Card it is.
He's got something planned.
Why couldn't he embrace a more meaningful holiday? Groundhog Day is totally underrated.
That thing predicts the future.
Come on! So, tonight, there's a Valentine's party at Casey Otis' house.
Will her parents be there? Yes, both her moms and her stepmom.
Lot of math on that.
Can I go? Before I say yes, I need to call and confirm that somebody will be there.
Dad said the exact same thing, and he already called them and talked to them.
Well, if Dad cleared it, then it's okay with me.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you, Mom! You're the best! Can I borrow your high heels? - No.
- You never let me do anything! What's in that box? Nothing.
[Groans.]
Valentine's Day.
Spill it.
You know what? Never mind.
You don't really need this.
[Grunts.]
Got it! Open this.
Pretty! What does the "A" stand for? [Gasps.]
Did you buy this for Alice? O-li-ver! Yeah, but I'm having second thoughts about giving it to her.
I mean, we haven't talked about boyfriend/girlfriend or anything.
What's the worst that could happen? She'll think it's stupid and tell her friends, and everyone will mock me behind my back.
Yeah, that could totally happen.
Why don't you hold on to it, feel out the situation, and then decide what to do when you see her? That's a good idea.
[Gasps.]
He said I had a good idea! Mark the date and the time! Ring the bells! [Chuckles.]
I'm not prepared for the level of stress that comes with this holiday.
Yeah.
Think about it.
Kids giving out those candy hearts "Be mine," "Kiss me" it's encouraging a generation of hookers.
Katie, hookers don't kiss unless you give them an extra $50.
And I know that Greg is planning one of his elaborate romantic surprises.
[Groans.]
Quit showing off, Greg.
You got the gig.
Here's the thing.
I get him a card, like a normal person, which, by comparison, makes me look like a terrible wife.
Plus, his surprises always tend to make a mess.
[Distorted.]
Your sugar Yes, please Mm.
It seems you and Greg have different love languages.
Say what, now? She bathes her crystals in the light of a full moon.
- I think you're in great hands.
- [Chuckles.]
Okay, there are five languages of love.
For some people, love is quality time.
Others need to experience physical touch.
Greg's language is affirmation.
Uh-huh.
And your language is irritation.
Mm.
You're not shy.
Why don't you just tell Greg you don't like his surprises? - Mm.
- I don't want to hurt his feelings.
He puts so much work into it.
But what I wish is for someone to tell him what I really want for my Valentine's surprise this year is no surprise.
Richard and I do it right.
He gives me an expensive watch, and then I'm a real bobcat in the sack.
[Chuckles.]
Don't take love for granted.
If you don't maintain it, it'll dry up on you.
And then divorce you, take your Jaguar, and suddenly, your kids are vegetarian.
Aw.
It's Valentine's Day, and you're all alone.
Oh, no, no.
No, don't worry about me.
The bars tonight are gonna be full of sad, neglected Westport housewives looking for a little understanding.
[Laughs.]
I love that you can make any word filthy.
[Chuckles.]
You prey on these women's vulnerabilities.
You're a love vulture.
[Screeches.]
- [Laughter.]
- [Ringtone plays.]
Hello? I should take this.
Oh.
I got to go.
I need to listen to that Adele breakup album and remind myself that I should be happy that I'm not alone.
- Hey, Alice.
- Hi.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Y-Yeah, I got to go.
I'm late for class.
School's over! But okay! I'm down on my daydream That sleepwalk should be over by now, I know [Groans.]
Hall and Oates.
That's so Greg.
He must have a surprise waiting.
[Sighs.]
Greg? Greg? A leaf blower? We are not having that "Give it all up and become gardeners in Vermont" conversation again.
The bedroom.
Might as well go up and get it over with.
Hey.
Looking for something? Just checking in.
What do you know? He actually listened.
Maybe now I can get him to stop playing historical charades on Presidents' Day.
I'm a little teapot? Taylor's a little teapot? - [Bell dings.]
- [Groans.]
Teapot Dome Scandal! I'm a teapot.
You two watch "Scandal.
" How could you not get that? Yeah.
Yeah, that's on us.
You want to read the intro to my book proposal? So bad.
So, so bad.
Can't now.
But real soon.
Why are you throwing out all the Valentines you got from your class? They're just cruddy drugstore cards their parents signed for them.
I'm a little down on love.
Join the club.
The hell with Alice.
I think it's sweet that you have a romantic side.
You have a little bit of your dad in you.
By the way, why hasn't he done anything for you this year? Where's the skywriting, the marching bands? You guys having problems? What?! No! We're not having problems.
Are we? Good, because if you two ever went your separate ways Oh, sweetie.
I can't even imagine living in something smaller than this.
Greg: Katie, can you come here for a sec? That's probably it Valentine's surprise in his office.
No problems here.
So, what can I do for you? Have you seen my lumbar support cushion? It's now Anna-Kat's pony bed.
Anything you have going on around here? No, just proofing my book proposal.
Great.
Oh, God.
Have I neglected Greg for so long that our romance has dried up? Like that sponge below the kitchen sink that I never use but I never throw away? My ride to the party's here.
Call us when you get there.
And don't let anybody cop a Valentine's feel.
Uncomfortable.
I'm leaving.
And text us every hour.
Don't you trust me? Yeah, but that whole cop-a-feel thing really freaked me out.
[Door closes.]
Okay.
Well I'll leave you alone.
Oh! Who's this for? Oh.
It's all yours.
It must be a part of a bigger surprise, like the first clue of a scavenger hunt is hidden inside.
That was an odd thing to do.
Just wanted to offer you half.
You sure you don't want to step on it first, maybe run it over with your car? Deejay: Here's another Valentine's Day favorite.
["Love Will Keep Us Together" plays.]
Love Love will keep us together Everything okay? Never better.
[Sighs.]
Hey, Mom [Groans.]
Just great! Hi.
[Chuckles.]
Casey Otis is having a party tonight, and Is she the one whose father got gender-reassignment surgery, then her mom left him and married another woman? Right.
Can I go? Will there be a mom, stepmom, or trans-mom present? Totally Mom asked the same thing, and she already called to make sure.
Well, if it's okay with her, it's okay with me.
Thank you! [Chuckles.]
I'll just double-check.
[Chuckles.]
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh.
To you, too, baby.
- Mm.
So, Taylor tells me We have to go, or I'll be late for volleyball practice! I'm team captain! Team captain can't be late! Geez, Taylor.
Let's save that level of panic for the first time you miss your period.
Come on, let's move it, people.
I know you have to write your book proposal, so don't feel like you need to do anything big for me this year.
Big? Whatever do you mean? Seriously, a card is all I need.
Card it is.
It'll be the biggest one yet.
Your sugar Yes, please Won't you come and put it down on me? Down on me You're a love vulture.
[Screeches.]
[Laughter.]
[Ringtone plays.]
Hello? Doris, it's Greg.
I need to talk to you without Katie knowing.
I should take this.
What do you need? Okay, I have a big Valentine's Day surprise for Katie, but I'm not done setting up, and I need you to stall her.
Oh, Greg, maybe you shouldn't surprise her.
Oh, no, I do it every year.
Oh, I know, but the thing is, all those over-the-top productions you do she hates them.
- Really? - Yeah.
She doesn't tell you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
I clearly have no issue with it.
Oh.
Okay, well thanks for letting me know.
She just left, so whatever dumb thing you're planning, put an end to it now.
[Air fizzles.]
I totally love sailing now.
I mean [Chuckles.]
Well, we're taking the boat out this weekend.
My parents said you could come.
Cool.
[Chuckles.]
You're so funny.
Later.
Oh, hi, Anna-Kat.
You go near my brother again, I'll put poison in your water bottle.
Maybe I already did.
Hey, Alice.
Hi.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, uh, I got to go to class.
I'm late.
School's over! But okay! [Panting.]
This is gonna take forever.
[Whirring.]
This is Greg Otto! I'm canceling! Don't come! [Whirring stops.]
What do you mean they're already here? [Doorbell rings.]
You make my dreams come true - Whoo-hoo, ooh-hoo - Thank you.
I was trying to to call you, but - Ooh-ooh, ooh-hoo, ooh-ooh - Yeah, I'm gonna cancel.
- What I want, you got - I just I'm gonna cancel.
- And it might be hard to handle - 'Cause we don't need you anymore, and Oh, my God, my wife's here.
- Like the flame that burns the candle - Come in, come in, come in, come in! - Come in.
- The candle feeds the flame Yeah, great, great.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, well, you-u-u - This is so good.
Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo - You make my dreams come true - Go! Go! - Go! - Ooh-ooh, ooh-hoo, ooh-ooh Just go, go, go, go, go! Out back! I'm down on my daydream - That sleepwalk should be over by now - Yeah.
Out! Out! I know - Aah, you - Yeah - You make my dreams come true - All right, get out.
Go on.
[Groans.]
Hall and Oates.
- Ooh-ooh, ooh-hoo, ooh-ooh - Look, I'm giving you a check.
- I'm paying you to shut up and go away.
- You make my dreams come true - You make my dreams come - Bruce! It's done.
[Weakly.]
true Greg? Hey.
Looking for something? Just checking in.
Just proofing my book proposal.
My ride to the party's here.
Call us when you get there.
And don't let anybody cop a Valentine's feel.
Uncomfortable.
I'm leaving.
Text us every hour.
Don't you trust me? Yeah, but that whole cop-a-feel thing really freaked me out.
Just wanted to offer you half.
You sure you don't want to step on it first, maybe run it over with your car? Why didn't you do anything for me for Valentine's Day? You told me not to.
I also told you that the big forks don't go with the little forks in the silverware tray, but that never stopped you.
Doris told me you hate my surprises.
I'm sorry I've been so romantic all these years.
Must have been terrible for you.
[Scoffs.]
It's not terrible! It's just annoying! I mean, I love you! Katie: It's just annoying! I mean, I love you! You should have told me that you hate my surprises.
I feel like an idiot having made such a fuss all these years.
I would never let you know you ruined my Valentine's Day, because I don't like Valentine's Day, so there's nothing there to ruin.
Mom just made everything so clear to me.
She did? I didn't understand her.
Exactly.
That's what makes sense her not making sense.
Okay? Maybe all girls get confused on Valentine's Day.
That's why Alice was acting all weird.
I don't think that's it.
I'm just gonna give her the key chain.
No! - Why do you care? - I don't.
What's Alice doing here? Where?! Ha! Hey! Give that back! That's for Alice! It's for the toilet now! Look, I don't give you a hard time for not making an effort.
You shouldn't give me a hard time for making one.
- You should appreciate it.
- I do! Kind of.
We just speak different love languages.
- Where'd you get that nonsense? - Angela.
She also sleeps under a copper pyramid so she can live forever.
- [Pounding on door.]
- Oliver: Give it back now! You're not supposed to lock doors! Mom! What is going on?! We are trying to celebrate Valentine's Day over here! Anna-Kat stole my present for Alice.
[Groans.]
Anna-Kat, open this door! Right now! Right now! [Door unlocks.]
Sweetie, why did you take Oliver's key chain? I don't want him to give it to Alice.
That's none of your business.
Quiet.
Why don't you want him to give it to her? I caught Alice flirting with Kurt Brockwell in the hall.
Kurt Brockwell That super-hot guy that danced with Alice at the cotillion? The 14-year-old boy, yes.
That's what I said.
Are you sure it was flirting? He said, "Cool.
" She went, "Ha ha ha! You're so funny.
" An unmotivated expression of delight.
I'm sorry, son.
You are a wonderful, smart sometimes-sweet kid.
So forget about Alice McCarthy.
- If she wants that super-hot guy - Katie! then it's her loss.
Look at me.
Any girl would be lucky to get a gift from you.
Anna-Kat: If it makes you feel better, I threatened to poison her if she ever came near you again.
That does make me feel better.
- Doesn't make me feel better.
- Mnh-mnh.
Poor Oliver.
It can be extremely disappointing when you plan a surprise for somebody and they don't appreciate it.
And the subtlety award goes to not Greg.
Don't be mad.
I just don't need a flash mob or barbershop quartet or a full choir singing to me.
- You knew about the choir? - You got a choir?! - [Ringtone plays.]
- [Groans.]
Hey, Taylor.
What's wrong? She fell and sprained her ankle.
Let me talk to one of Amy's moms.
None of them are there? What do you mean, no one's there? Don't move.
We are coming to get you right now.
Taylor told me you talked to a parent.
She told me the same thing.
She played us, Greg.
It's extremely disappointing when a family member withholds important information from you.
T.
O.
Kid's hurt.
Fight's on hold.
Right.
What's "T.
O.
"? - Time-out.
- Right.
Thank you for watching the kids on such short notice.
- Of course.
- [Car alarm chirps.]
Hi.
This is Samantha.
We bumped into each other at the bar at Viva's.
You're a mom at school.
Yeah, our sons are in the Entrepreneurs Club together.
That's right! Vulture.
[Screeches.]
Can we go? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
The doctor at the emergency room said you need to keep your foot elevated.
This is why I didn't want you to wear my heels.
I know what I'm talking about! And you lied to us about there being an adult at the party! You don't have to keep yelling at me.
I feel bad enough already.
I'm out for the whole volleyball season.
Yeah.
It's your own fault because you didn't listen! - You're still yelling at me.
- Damn right I am! I wanted to go to the party, and I knew you'd say no.
And we'd be right, because there was no one there watching you, and it turned out to be a disaster! Did you think that we wanted to spend our Valentine's Day in the emergency room? No.
You weren't thinking about anybody but yourself.
Only what you wanted.
Time in.
Yeah, that's right.
Katie, I'm wrong to be mad at you about not liking my surprises.
I guess I was only thinking about what I want.
I just have to accept that when it comes to matters of the heart you're kind of a dude.
Can I No! You're grounded! Well, I-I didn't let anyone cop a feel.
You don't get points for that! [Whinnying.]
Hey.
This is for you.
Really? It has an "A" on it for "Anna-Kat.
" Thanks for sticking up for me.
I love it.
I'm glad.
Happy Valentine's Day.
So, what are we playing? It's fine.
You don't have to play with me.
Yes, I do.
'Cause I'm your sister? And you love me? Sure.
And Angela's downstairs with my friend's mom, sucking face.
Got it.
Katie: I finally get the love-language thing.
Greg loves me the way he wants to be loved.
If he likes these elaborate gestures, then I need to get on board for him.
Finally got Anna-Kat down.
What's going on in here? Shh.
"John Stewart Mill's conception of liberty justified the freedom of the individual in opposition to unlimited state and social control.
" You're reading my book proposal lying in bed, wearing lingerie? I've never been more turned on.
You are definitely speaking my love language! Happy Valentine's Day, baby.
[Boom.]
You're cleaning that up.
Eh.