Bizaardvark (2016) s01e14 Episode Script

1 Amelia, did you see the nasty thing Jojo Siwa said about you? Hey, Amelia! Your hair color is faker than your eyelashes.
Joke's on her.
They're both fake.
I gotta post a response video to that! Why are you fighting with Jojo Siwa? Oh, we're not fighting.
We're actually good friends.
A lot of Vuuuglers start fake feuds to help their channels trend.
It's all for show, like when I see you in the morning and say, "Hey, you look great today!" It's not real.
Yeah, just like these tears aren't real.
This feud is why I've been on top of the Vuuugle trending list for the past two weeks.
I've gotten like 100,000 new subscribers because of it.
Whoa! We'd kill to be on this list.
Oh, you're on it.
Scroll.
Scroll.
Scroll.
Scroll.
I can't feel my finger.
Scroll.
Now click "last page.
" And Scroll.
Okay, we get it.
We're last.
Frankie, we need to get into a fake feud with someone.
Amelia, are we socializing or are we feuding? Hurry up and post a response! Sorry, Jojo, I'll post a nasty comeback to your insult right away.
Great.
While you think of one, I'll just be over here dancing.
You two, be my back-up dancers! (pop music plays) - Us? - Just do it.
I don't think she's asking.
This day is off to a really weird start.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Hey! Hey! Man, Amelia was right.
Practically everyone trending on Vuuugle is in a feud.
Check out this one between Horse Face Guy and Bagpipe Ninja.
(plays bagpipes) They used to be such good friends.
Paige, it's fake! We know it's fake! - Do we? - Yes! Frankie? Are you signing up for class again? You wish, motorcycle boy.
Vroom, vroom! Sticks and stones, Ron You'll fight her with sticks and stones.
If we're going to trend on Vuuugle, our feud has to be epic.
It all depends on finding the right person to feud with us.
Class, I'm going to play a Vuuugle video of a 13-year-old rising phenom in the MMA universe.
You watch while I update my online dating profile.
By the way, if any of your moms are never mind.
- (grunting) - (rock music plays) The best feuding partner would be someone who's a real hot head.
They call me Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego! (grunts) Yah! - Yah! - Ugh! That's for insulting me with such a weak block! We also need someone who's gonna show no mercy.
You think crying's gonna make me stop? - No mercy! - (sobbing) Where in the world are we gonna find Sensei, turn down the volume! someone like that.
We need to find someone who flies off the handle and acts totally crazy.
What did you call me?! What did you call me?! What did you call me?! Uh, Frankie I think the answer's right in front of us.
I don't know.
How can we be sure if we start something with her, she'll be game? If anyone wants to start something with me, I'm game! Always! Yah! Okay, she is a candidate.
Grandma, I'm 13 years old.
I can have a hot chocolate whenever I want.
Great! I'll take a water, please.
Bernie.
Do you have the $500 I loaned you? Of course I do.
You have change for a thousand? What the heck is this? And why is your face on all of these? They're Bernie Bucks.
I used your money to buy a printing machine.
You know what they say: You gotta make money to make money.
Yeah, okay.
No one says that, and you can't just create your own money out of thin air.
Oh.
Uh What if I pre-approve you for the Bernie Schotz credit card? Rack up enough Bernie Points and you get Bernie Bucks! You still owe me 500 real dollars.
Would you accept 500 real kisses? No! Amelia, I don't have $500.
Isn't there some way I can work it off? Come to think of it I will take those kisses.
Really?! I mean Yeah.
Get ready, baby.
Because I use a lot of teeth So, I have to kiss a headshot for all of your 3.
8 million subscribers? I guess you could stop If you have my $500.
Would you accept 500 pushups? Can you do 500 pushups? Hey! This is a message for Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego.
We watched your MMA videos and they made us laugh so hard.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
That's what our laughter sounded like.
Your punches are pathetic and your kicks are weak.
Also, we can only assume your general personality leaves much to be desired.
Boom.
This has been Paige Olvera and Frankie Wong of Bizaardvark, officially starting a feud! I'm gonna cut that part out.
And it's posted.
Now we just sit back, wait for Vicki to post a nasty reply, then ride that popularity to the top of the trending list.
Check it out, Amelia! Bizaardvark just started its first fake feud.
With Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego.
Wow.
How'd you get her to agree to it? What do you mean "agree to it"? The feud.
You did talk to Vicki beforehand and work it all out, right? Both: Uh Wait you started a real Internet feud? That's one of the darkest roads a human can travel! B-b-but you said all Vuuuglers knew the feuds were fake! That's what she said, Frankie, right?! Don't worry about it.
I'm sure we're fine.
Vicki might not even take the bait.
(phone dings) Bizaardvark, just saw your video.
Now, I'm coming to Los Angeles, and we'll settle this MMA-style.
Hya! I hope you enjoy your last days on Earth.
Yah! Aah! Oh my gosh.
You guys are gonna trend so hard! If you live.
I can't believe we're gonna get destroyed by Vicki Fuego.
I know, look at all these angry videos she posted.
Hey, Bizaardvark! I'm packing for my trip to LA.
And don't worry, I won't forget these! Hua, ha! Hey, Bizaardvark! I'm still here because my mom's waiting for her boyfriend Brad to get off work so she can borrow his car.
Why are you even dating that guy?! I hate him! Yah! Okay, quick Brad update: he and my mom broke up, so now we're taking the train.
We'll be on the 4:30 Coast-Liner Express.
It gets in late, so I'll have to kick your butts tomorrow.
I hate when plans change! Hya! Aah! Wait, if she broke her computer, then how did she post that Paige! We're about to die and you're dwelling on logic? He-hey, my favorite trending clients.
Can I have $500? We're kind of in the middle of something.
We just got into a feud with Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego.
And now she's coming here on a train to kick our butts.
Really? Is she taking the Coast-Liner Express or the Surf Shooter? The Coast-Liner Exp why does that matter?! What matters is we're gonna get our butts kicked in public! Oh Oh! Oh Oh You're thinking about making money off this, aren't you? What? No.
Bye! (phone chimes) Vicki's homepage says that tomorrow she's gonna be training at my dojo.
You know what this means, Frankie? - Yes.
- We'll go talk to her and tell her this was all a misunderstanding.
Oh.
I was gonna say we set up Vicki's mom with Sensei.
I mean, they're both looking.
Hey! So, I'm gonna promote the Vicki Fuego/Bizaardvark battle (puckers) as a big event.
I'll sell tickets and t-shirts and make a ton of money.
Then I'll be able to pay you back.
There's just one more thing.
You need to borrow more money? You can read me like a picture book.
I mean, a regular book, like big kids read.
Ugh, that didn't save it.
I'd love to lend you more money.
- Really?! - Yeah.
This is way too entertaining.
The more money you lose, the more fun I have.
So if you don't pay me back this time you'll have to follow me around everywhere I go wearing this.
You just had that lying around? And every time I walk into a room, you'll have to announce: "Hear ye, hear ye, Amelia is entering!" - Also - Also?! you'll have to play this tune.
(blows fanfare) Well, the horn does make the outfit look cooler.
So do you agree to my terms or not? Hmm.
The risk does seem high.
Then again, if I do succeed, I'll be rich and you'll be my girlfriend.
- Uh, I never said - I agree to your terms.
Frankie, come on.
We'll just tell her it was a mistake.
There's no reason to be nervous.
Nervous? I'm not nervous.
Uh, I'm here to do research for our new song, "The Bubble Wrap Rap.
" My name is Frankie and I'm here to say Don't make me pop you.
All right, let me do the talking.
MMA fighter to MMA fighter.
Hey! Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego.
I'm Paige "Tornado Foot" Olvera.
Nobody calls her that.
I'm surprised you two had the guts to show up here.
(crackling) I swear that was the bubble wrap.
Vicki, as a green belt, I think I speak your language.
Oww! What is in there, cement? Yes.
Look, this has all been a misunderstanding.
We were trying to start a fake feud, but we messed up.
We have nothing but respect for you.
We're sorry.
I get it.
You two seem like nice people who made a mistake.
Wow.
So, we're cool? Yeah.
We're cool.
Phew, because I can't breathe in this thing.
But I still have to kick your butts.
- Wait, what? - Oh, my gosh Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh I promised my fans a brawl.
It would look cowardly if I gave them anything less than a total beatdown! Tape! I need tape! Besides, a big-time promoter already called me to set the whole thing up.
Big-time promoter? Yeah.
Ever heard of Bernie Schotz Entertainment? He-hey, ladies! Ugh! Wait, do it again, I wasn't flexing.
Ugh! Bad enough we we're gonna get our butts kicked.
Now we're gonna get our butts kicked in front of the entire world! Told you I'd make you famous.
Guys, guys, I know you're mad, but you just need to trust me on this one, okay? Here, I have a surprise for you.
Follow me.
So I arranged this Vuuugle Hang Space for you guys and Vicki to promote the event.
Half the Internet's gonna be watching! Frankie, this is perfect.
We can use this live chat to forfeit the match.
Forfeit? I set this up to sell tickets, not for you guys to forfeit.
Bernie, would you rather we look bad for a minute because we're quitting, or look bad forever because Vicki smashed our faces in? Are you asking me? (computers beeping) Welcome to the pre-fight video chat with Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego and Bizaardvark.
Vicki, we just want to say Uhp, uhp, uhp The only reason we're here (coughing) Bernie, stop making noises to push us out of the middle! - Vicki, we don't want to - Ack, uhrm, eh We quit, Vicki! Of course you quit.
You can't fight.
You can't trash talk.
You can't do comedy.
What did you say? - (hitting button) - Bernie on computer: Fight, fight, fight! Bernie, stop it! I'm sorry, did you say we're not funny? 'Cause those are fighting words! If I could just diffuse the situation, I Great.
Now I'm frozen.
What is going on? Uh-oh! Looks like Paige is calling you a dog, Vicki! Are you a dog? Are you a dog-woman? I'll bury your bones like a dog! Hey Vic, calm, level-headed Paige here Sit down, you pathetic green belt.
A green belt is a big accomplishment! I trained for six months! I took a test! That's it! This match is back on! Yeah! We're gonna show you how not funny we are with our fists! - Great! - Great! Great! Ugh, I hate this program! Click the link below for tickets to this no-holds-barred, no-rules smackdown! Bernie Bucks not accepted.
Sensei, you need to train us so that we can beat Vicki Fuego.
Yeah, please help us.
I'm sorry for all the names I called you motorcycle boy, ponytail, 45-year-old loser.
Take the high road, Ron to your cabin where you keep all your swords.
What was that? Uh, I said I will train you.
Let us begin.
- Ah! - Oww! Ugh! You girls are going to get destroyed.
But I'm a green belt! That just means your parents paid $300 for classes.
Ha! Sorry.
Ha! There is only one chance.
I'll train you to run and hide like you have never run and hid before! It is known as "The Path of the Fraidy Cat.
" Stance.
- Ragh! - Both: Aah! You are ready.
Aren't they, Vicki? - Aah! - Aah! Yes, you are ready.
(crowd cheering) Wow, a pre-fight fight! You think of everything, Bernie.
Yeah, I got Horse Face Guy and Bagpipe Ninja to work out their "feud.
" I put 500 of your dollars on Bagpipe Ninja.
He'll get up.
Nope.
He's unconscious.
Don't worry, I'm gonna pay back all the money I owe you.
I made a ton on ticket sales.
- Aww - And spent it all on souvenir t-shirts.
Ah! Check it out.
They all show Vicki winning in a different way.
Like this one where Vicki's fist goes through Frankie's ears and hits Paige in the face.
I like the way you're thinking, Bernie.
Keep spending.
Will do.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Horse Face Guy about what "take a dive" means.
Amelia, I made snickerdoodles! Aw, Jojo, you are such a sweetheart! I forgot we're supposed to be feuding.
What are we gonna do? Like a boomerang.
(bell dings) Ladies and gentlemen! Bernie Schotz Entertainment is proud to present the main event: Bizaardvark vs.
Vicki "Hot Head" Fuego! (crowd cheering) Sensei! You came to support us! Well, actually, Bernie's paying me to be the ref.
I figure this won't last long, so easy money, right? I mean, I think you guys could win? (cracking) Frankie in case we die, I have something to confess.
I read your diary when we were 11.
Don't worry about it.
I used to dunk your retainer in the toilet to see if you'd notice.
What?! (bell dings) Hai! Dinner time! Aah! Hey, Vicki, look! You were supposed to look.
Sensei! Sensei, do something! 35, athletic build, swipe right.
T-shirts! Get your overly-graphic t-shirts here! Comin' at you, sir.
That was fun.
I wonder what happens if I put ten in here? Looks like this is it.
We might be going down, but we're not going down without a fight.
- (in slow motion) - (yelling) It's jammed! Winners! (crowd cheers) I guess.
They won?! I don't have any shirts for that.
I lost all my money! How's my green belt taste, Fuego? And how funny are we now? Argh! Hey, Vicki, thanks for accepting our friend request.
We're sorry about the whole feud thing.
Yeah, we got totally caught up in the idea of trending.
- Mm-hmm.
- So stupid, right? No, it worked great for me! I got like 50,000 new subscribers.
So when do you want to do the rematch? Both: Uh We'll talk about it later, I have to go.
My mom's new boyfriend is here.
Thanks for playing matchmaker, Paige.
Oh, and Frankie, who's a 45-year-old loser now?! (blows fanfare) Hear ye, hear ye! May I present to you Lady Amelia of House Duckworth.
(blows fanfare) Hello.
Hello.
It's nice to see you all.
(blows fanfare) I don't know what's going on there, but I'm pretty sure he deserves it.