Carol's Second Act (2019) s01e14 Episode Script
Secrets
1 Well, looks like Ms.
Hirsch's drug rash has almost resolved.
Uh, she's reacting normally to the new antibiotics.
You know who's not reacting normally? Jenny.
She's clearly still into me.
Uh, that Jenny? I thought she was the one that called it off.
Yeah, but you can't just call off chemistry.
We still got it.
Check this out.
Be cool.
Morning, everybody! You feel that? It's palpable.
Do I not know what "palpable" means? Buddy, it's over.
On your only date, you abandoned the woman at a restaurant.
That is not what happened.
No, th-that's exactly what happened.
The fat lady has sung, and the song was called "It's Over".
(CALEB CHUCKLES) Well, I, for one, am glad it's over.
Keeping secrets makes me nervous.
Yeah, and you should at least be happy that Carol never found out.
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about? - What? - Uh, nothing.
Sports.
Oh, sports.
What about sports? Just a lot of heteronormative stuff about it.
Bye.
That was a little weird.
Caleb's a little weird.
You're just questioning this now? Come on, Carol! Geez.
We finally have a night off tonight.
You'd think people would be happier.
Well, you know, Mercury's in retrograde, the winter blahs, we work in a place where people die.
Oh, Lexie.
There's a friendly face.
- What are you doing with your night off? - Nothing.
- Geez.
- Uh, sorry.
Tough case.
Oh, is it anything I can help you with? - Hands off, Carol! - Oh.
Okay, Dennis, something's up.
Do you know what's going on? Oh, um, well Carol, I can't do this right now.
- I need to go to work.
- You work right there! You don't know my life! - Is no one in a good mood? - I'm in a good mood.
Everyone's in a terrible mood.
(BEEP) - Okay, deep breath.
- (BREATHES DEEPLY) I'll tell you, Eddie, I don't know what's going on.
With my liver? No, I know what's going on with your liver.
It's bad, and you need a new one.
You know I can't understand all your technical, - medical jargon, Carol.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Now, the good news is you're moving up on the transplant list.
Yeah? I guess you guys are all stuck with me till my new parts come in.
Aw.
Hey, Eddie, you spend a lot of time with everybody.
Have you noticed people around here being especially grumpy lately? No, but when one of your organs doesn't work, - people try to be positive around you.
- Yeah.
It's one of the perks.
Ooh.
That and compression socks.
Feels like my calves are getting a nice hug.
Oh.
Yeah, it just seems like the interns are all out of sync.
You know, we became really close this year, and then now, we're just, like, drifting apart.
And of course, it's my job to bring everybody back together.
Because you're the elder? No.
I mean, obviously, I'm the core of the group.
See, in the fruit bouquet of our friendship, Lexie and Daniel are the cantaloupe and honeydew, Dennis is the hard pineapple Caleb is that weird fruit you're not sure if you should eat it or not and I am the Styrofoam that holds us all in place.
I like kiwi.
You're missing the point, Eddie.
Maybe you're all just overworked.
You're always in the hospital.
I mean, if I leave here, I'll die.
What's your excuse? Yeah.
You know what, Eddie? You're exactly right.
We all have tonight off.
Maybe we should go out together.
Well, Lexie can't because she has her stand-up show tonight.
What? Since when is Lexie doing stand-up? Shoot.
I wasn't supposed to tell anybody that.
I am the worst at keeping secrets.
But people love to tell me stuff.
I just have one of those faces.
Huh.
That would explain why she was a sourpuss this morning.
She's nervous.
Oh, she's terrified.
This is her first open mic night.
Oh, this is perfect.
I'm gonna get everyone to go and watch her.
We will bond as a group while supporting our friend.
Man, I'm a good core.
Styrofoam! The silver lining of falling out of a treehouse is that my son uploaded it to YouTube.
The comments are mean, but I like the attention.
Well, you fractured your tibia and fibula, so you're gonna be in a cast for six to eight weeks.
That long? I got three little boys.
Plus, I'm a crossing guard at a middle school.
I can't go to work on crutches.
Those kids will eat me alive.
Oh, don't worry.
We've submitted your claim to insurance, so soon, you'll be swinging babies in a brand-new wheelchair.
Dr.
Sommers.
A word? Dr.
Sommers, Deidre isn't getting a wheelchair.
Her insurance rejected the claim.
They approved her for crutches.
Crutches? With three kids and working as a crossing guard? I mean, we might as well break her other leg now, 'cause it's gonna happen.
This is what insurance companies do.
They approve the option that's cheapest rather than the option that's best for the patient.
I've battled the insurance companies many times.
You never get what you want.
I find that people respond to kindness.
Yeah, so maybe all I need to do is put a little bit of sugar on it.
Oh, I see.
The insurance companies would approve everything if I was friendlier.
Well, watch out, insurance companies.
Here comes Dr.
Sommers and his sugar.
Yeah.
You're learning, and that's what's important.
(SINGS QUIETLY) Lexie's doing stand-up? Yes.
And, you know, we've been kind of a mess lately, so I'm putting together a secret group bonding trip to go support her.
- Pass.
- (SCOFFS) Dennis, it won't be the same without you.
You are the core of this group.
That is true, huh? - I'm in.
- Yes.
And we could use the hang time.
Stand-up makes me uncomfortable.
Daniel, it won't be the same without you.
You're the core of this group.
That is true.
I'm in.
And you know, you are the core of this group.
- No, I'm not.
- I know, but you should come anyway.
Okay, I'm in.
I'm on the phone with Tanya from insurance, and she's delightful.
You might think your sugar is working, but I'm gonna tell you exactly what's gonna happen.
You'll be bounced around from rep to rep and then placed on a brief hold that will never, ever end.
No, that's not gonna happen.
We're vibing, and I'm gonna get that wheelchair.
Observe.
All right, Tan Tan, let's get to the next steps, shall we? How do we get our girl Deidre into a shiny new wheelchair? TANYA: Oh, that's gonna be easy as pie.
I'm guessing she needs to talk to a supervisor.
I do need to talk to a supervisor.
Probably to go over logistics.
Just to go over some logistics.
And in order to do that Wait for it.
I will need to put you on a brief hold.
Oh, no, no.
Maybe we could just keep me on that (GROANS) (SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Whatever.
I could listen to smooth jazz forever.
(LAUGHS) Then you're in luck because you will.
(LIVELY CHATTER) (WHOOPS) Isn't this fun, hanging out as a group? I think the last time I was in a comedy club, I was dating your dad.
Mm, looks like the joke's on me.
Hey, you think I should go up there? - No, Mom.
Let's sit down.
- Okay.
Hey, I didn't know you invited Dr.
Frost.
I didn't.
Well, either someone brought in a Brooks Brothers mannequin, or it's him.
Dr.
Frost? - Oh, Dr.
Kenney.
- What are you doing here? Well, I enjoy amateur comedy.
Reminds me that laughter is the best medicine.
- Yeah.
- Except for morphine.
You can't beat morphine.
(LAUGHS) Just give up, man.
You've been on hold for hours.
No, it's for a good cause.
Plus, I think the phone is fused to my face.
Oh, you're here.
Yeah, I'm the core of the group.
Hey, I thought you said I was the core of the group.
It doesn't matter if the core is you or Daniel or clearly me.
(STAMMERS) Tonight is about coming together and supporting Lexie.
- Look, anyway, show's starting.
- (MUSIC BEGINS, CHEERING) Dr.
Frost, why don't you join us? Oh, thank you.
I love to laugh, but laughing with others? Now, that's a real gift.
(CHUCKLES) What's up, party people? (WHOOPS) Ha-ha! She's good.
Let me remind you, it's a two-drink minimum to see the show and a six-drink minimum to enjoy it.
(LAUGHTER) Dude, turn off your phone.
I can't.
I got to go, but remember all the jokes.
The thing I love most about comedy is hearing it secondhand.
Get ready for some funny.
Please give a warm welcome to Lexie Gilani! (CHEERING) FROST: Hang on.
I think that's Dr.
Gilani.
Hey, everyone.
(CHUCKLES): Ooh.
Bright.
Uh, I've actually never done this before, but, uh, I realized I needed an outlet when I got so stressed at work, I stole a therapy dog.
(LAUGHTER) Now that dog's in therapy.
Which is probably a good thing, 'cause his mom's a total bitch.
(LAUGHTER) See, I'm a doctor, and I work with a bunch of lunatics.
Oh, she's gonna roast us.
The head guy, Dr.
Frost he's old and brittle.
Every time he talks, I keep thinking about how easy it would be to kidnap him.
(LAUGHS): Yeah, it would be.
(LAUGHTER) Although, when I'm talking, she should really be listening.
Yeah.
And then there's Nurse Dennis at the front desk.
Uh, he's like if Eeyore was a six-foot-five black dude.
(LAUGHS) Spot-on.
Eeyore's the sexy one, right? And then there's this old lady doctor Carol.
I guess I didn't need to say she was old.
No one's named their kid "Carol" since the Great Depression.
Ah, then there's always the cocky, hot doctor.
He thinks he's God's gift to women.
Guilty as charged.
But if that's the best God can do, he's not invited to my birthday.
(LAUGHTER) Bring a receipt, God! (LAUGHS) 'Cause I'd return him.
- (LAUGHTER) - Uh, so there's this pharma rep.
Uh, she's pretty hot.
I'd give her, like, a 8.
5.
Like, out of eight? Ooh, ya burnt.
And to add to the craziness, Hottie Point Five and God's Gift were dating.
(LAUGHS) That's a good one.
Wait, what? Jenny and Daniel? Mom? Mom, are you good? Are you ever gonna talk again? Jennifer, you know I don't like to make a scene in public.
I can't believe you dated Daniel and you never told me about it! Mom, it wasn't that big of a deal.
It was just one dinner.
And Daniel didn't even wait for the food to come out.
(CHUCKLES): That's not the whole story.
That is exactly the whole story.
You knew, too? Okay, well, I guess maybe my only real friend here is Dr.
Frost.
Well, I must admit I also knew.
I actually went on the date with them.
What?! Oh, it's not what you think.
It wasn't a double date.
It was just me and them.
Okay.
Good night.
Oh, my God, I have been such a fool.
I thought I was the one bringing the group together.
Turns out the group has been together, keeping a secret from me.
How fun.
Carol, it wasn't a secret.
It was something that I was told specifically not to tell you.
Mom, don't blame them.
This is on me.
I just didn't know how you'd react if you knew that I went out with Daniel.
This is how I would react.
Are you crazy?! Daniel?! There's so many reasons why going out with him is a bad idea.
He is my coworker.
He's your coworker.
Plus, he's vain and insecure.
If I'm vain, then how can I be insecure? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
Did you guys all just get here? I just wandered in myself.
We saw your show, Lexie, and we're not happy.
Lexie, you were better than that girl who played the tambourine.
I'd have to say my favorite joke of yours was the one about kidnapping Dr.
Frost.
That or the one that made my mom stop speaking to me.
I can't decide.
Again, I didn't invite any of you.
If I'd known you were gonna be there, I would've played it safe with my Muslim lesbian stuff.
Oh.
Wait.
- There's my mom.
- Mm.
- She looks less mad, right? - Totally.
Carol! - Over here! - Mom.
Hey, friend! JAKE: OMG.
It's happening.
Be cool.
JENNY: Oh, God.
She's gonna do that thing where she pretends to be better friends with someone else.
I know she's just trying to make us feel bad, but it is making me feel bad! Hi, Jake.
Hey, do you know anything about Daniel and Jenny? Oh, no.
What happened? Did their Crohn's flare up? What? No.
Oh.
I only guessed that 'cause my Crohn's flared up.
Oh.
Well, I guess we're the last to know, hmm? Know what? (LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) - Wow, he's really making her laugh.
- CAROL: Oh, my God.
Weird.
I thought he'd just talk about his Crohn's again.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Yeah.
I guess it is kind of funny that my digestive tract makes such loud noises.
(CAROL LAUGHING LOUDLY) JAKE (LAUGHING): Thank you, Carol.
You've given me a whole new perspective on my illness.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE) Wh-Why is your phone in a plastic bag? Well, I had to shower with it.
You had to? RECORDED VOICE: Your call is important to us.
Oh, don't lie to me, you heartless robot! Come on, pick up, you coward! RECORDED VOICE: We appreciate your patience.
You are the next caller in the queue.
(PANTING): Oh, my God.
I'm the next caller.
Oh, I'm almost there.
Ooh, I can taste that wheelchair.
(PHONE BEEPS, MUSIC STOPS) Uh oh, my battery.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't have my charger on me.
Do you have a charger for a flip phone? Do you have a needle for my record player? Come on, man, I'm not that old.
No, you're not.
But you know who is old? Old people.
(GRUNTS) Geriatrics, I need your lost and found, stat! Oh, yes.
Charger.
I'm saved.
Everything's gonna be okay.
That's so good to hear.
So there's no sign of bacteria in the cultures from your paracentesis, and your bilirubin has improved.
In other news, Eddie, I'm a lone wolf now.
I ride solo, just like you.
I'm actually very popular.
Is this about Daniel and Jenny dating? They told you, too?! Okay Shoot.
I did it again.
I got to get people to stop telling me secrets.
Love hearing 'em.
Can't keep 'em in.
Okay, here I thought I was the Styrofoam; turns out I'm the cellophane.
First thing you throw away.
You throw away the Styrofoam, too.
Yeah.
Why do you hate metaphors, Eddie? You know, Carol, this might just be the perspective of a guy who lives in a hospital, but I think you're overreacting.
(SIGHS) I know.
It it's just that this place has become my whole life.
I-I always thought that I was as important to everyone else as they are to me.
Knowing that I was the only one on the outside of something it hurts.
Look, I-I told you, I'm very popular.
Yes, I get that, Eddie.
So I know all the hospital gossip who's dating, who's fighting, who has a podcast about Siamese cats.
Dennis.
- Is that another secret? - No.
He's real proud of it.
But I also hear the truth about who people like and who they don't, and everyone in this hospital loves you.
Really? Do they call me the core of the group? I don't think anyone calls anyone that.
Yeah.
But I do know you're very important to them.
(SIGHS) Thank you, Eddie.
This really makes me feel better.
I'm glad.
Oh.
Uh, not to ruin this moment, but Bad News Jake loved your lunch.
He's gonna ask you to be his plus-one at his cousin's wedding.
(SIGHS) I hope it's not a destination wedding.
You know, he used to have a crush on his cousin.
Dang it! I did it again! Oh! This is fantastic! I can move.
I can go to work.
- I can chase my sons.
- (LAUGHS) Right, it's still gonna be a tough recovery, but hopefully this'll help.
- Now, give it a whirl! - Okay.
Ooh, watch out.
Too fast, too furious.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe insurance agreed to pay for an even nicer wheelchair than the one we requested.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, you know, it just, it just goes to show that behind all the bureaucracy and red tape, an insurance company is just a collection of human beings I know you paid for it.
The insurance company's full of monsters.
Tanya's a demon.
The system doesn't work! (SIGHS) So, Dr.
Sommers, what's your plan? To pay for every patient insurance won't? Yeah.
That was my plan.
And to get emotionally invested.
I appreciate your instincts.
It's admirable.
Really? You're not mad? No.
I I once paid for a patient's insulin pump after insurance denied it.
When I can help, I do.
But it's not sustainable.
One person can't pay for everything.
I hear you, but I have a trust fund, live in a one-bedroom apartment, and I mostly eat beans.
Well, then, buy all the wheelchairs you want.
Hey.
Hey.
How you holding up? (SIGHS) Not great.
My mom's furious at me.
Yeah, no kidding.
Me, too.
I'm sorry.
And over nothing.
Less than nothing.
I mean, we agreed not to date.
- It's the wrong time.
- The wrongest.
Even if we really wanted to.
- Which we don't.
- Not at all.
- It's ridiculous.
- Never gonna happen! Hey.
Hey.
Does this mean you're speaking to us again? I may have overreacted a little.
Okay, a lot.
I don't know.
If I heard Daniel was dating my daughter, I'd fly into a blind rage, too.
I know, but it wasn't that.
It was hearing that you guys were keeping something from me.
It just made me feel left out.
I'm sorry.
It was a hard choice: keeping Daniel and Jenny's secret or being open with you.
If it was just Daniel's secret, we would've told you immediately.
That's okay.
I should apologize to you.
I mean, I learned a lot today, but the most important thing I learned - was that you guys love me.
- LEXIE: Mm.
That is an odd apology.
And I want you guys to know I love you, too.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
I hope there's hard pineapple.
Next time we have a night off, let's all just grab a drink together.
Yes, and we can invite Daniel and Jenny.
Aw.
That's big of you.
And thank goodness they didn't get together, right? I would have to change careers again.
(CHUCKLING) This is gonna be amazing, in that it's going to be terrible.
(CHUCKLES) I can't wait.
All right, remember, be supportive.
Okay, uh, first, I'd like to thank Dr.
Gilani for inspiring me.
This is my first time, so I'll admit I'm a little nervous.
(CLEARS THROAT) Here goes nothing.
What's the deal with airline travel? Am I right? Sometimes those towels in first class are so hot you can barely use them to open your pores! (LAUGHS) And if you're gonna be out of sweet vermouth, maybe don't call the Manhattan your "signature cocktail".
Huh? Am I correct in this assumption? MAN: What are you talking about? Your mom.
(CHUCKLES)
Hirsch's drug rash has almost resolved.
Uh, she's reacting normally to the new antibiotics.
You know who's not reacting normally? Jenny.
She's clearly still into me.
Uh, that Jenny? I thought she was the one that called it off.
Yeah, but you can't just call off chemistry.
We still got it.
Check this out.
Be cool.
Morning, everybody! You feel that? It's palpable.
Do I not know what "palpable" means? Buddy, it's over.
On your only date, you abandoned the woman at a restaurant.
That is not what happened.
No, th-that's exactly what happened.
The fat lady has sung, and the song was called "It's Over".
(CALEB CHUCKLES) Well, I, for one, am glad it's over.
Keeping secrets makes me nervous.
Yeah, and you should at least be happy that Carol never found out.
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about? - What? - Uh, nothing.
Sports.
Oh, sports.
What about sports? Just a lot of heteronormative stuff about it.
Bye.
That was a little weird.
Caleb's a little weird.
You're just questioning this now? Come on, Carol! Geez.
We finally have a night off tonight.
You'd think people would be happier.
Well, you know, Mercury's in retrograde, the winter blahs, we work in a place where people die.
Oh, Lexie.
There's a friendly face.
- What are you doing with your night off? - Nothing.
- Geez.
- Uh, sorry.
Tough case.
Oh, is it anything I can help you with? - Hands off, Carol! - Oh.
Okay, Dennis, something's up.
Do you know what's going on? Oh, um, well Carol, I can't do this right now.
- I need to go to work.
- You work right there! You don't know my life! - Is no one in a good mood? - I'm in a good mood.
Everyone's in a terrible mood.
(BEEP) - Okay, deep breath.
- (BREATHES DEEPLY) I'll tell you, Eddie, I don't know what's going on.
With my liver? No, I know what's going on with your liver.
It's bad, and you need a new one.
You know I can't understand all your technical, - medical jargon, Carol.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Now, the good news is you're moving up on the transplant list.
Yeah? I guess you guys are all stuck with me till my new parts come in.
Aw.
Hey, Eddie, you spend a lot of time with everybody.
Have you noticed people around here being especially grumpy lately? No, but when one of your organs doesn't work, - people try to be positive around you.
- Yeah.
It's one of the perks.
Ooh.
That and compression socks.
Feels like my calves are getting a nice hug.
Oh.
Yeah, it just seems like the interns are all out of sync.
You know, we became really close this year, and then now, we're just, like, drifting apart.
And of course, it's my job to bring everybody back together.
Because you're the elder? No.
I mean, obviously, I'm the core of the group.
See, in the fruit bouquet of our friendship, Lexie and Daniel are the cantaloupe and honeydew, Dennis is the hard pineapple Caleb is that weird fruit you're not sure if you should eat it or not and I am the Styrofoam that holds us all in place.
I like kiwi.
You're missing the point, Eddie.
Maybe you're all just overworked.
You're always in the hospital.
I mean, if I leave here, I'll die.
What's your excuse? Yeah.
You know what, Eddie? You're exactly right.
We all have tonight off.
Maybe we should go out together.
Well, Lexie can't because she has her stand-up show tonight.
What? Since when is Lexie doing stand-up? Shoot.
I wasn't supposed to tell anybody that.
I am the worst at keeping secrets.
But people love to tell me stuff.
I just have one of those faces.
Huh.
That would explain why she was a sourpuss this morning.
She's nervous.
Oh, she's terrified.
This is her first open mic night.
Oh, this is perfect.
I'm gonna get everyone to go and watch her.
We will bond as a group while supporting our friend.
Man, I'm a good core.
Styrofoam! The silver lining of falling out of a treehouse is that my son uploaded it to YouTube.
The comments are mean, but I like the attention.
Well, you fractured your tibia and fibula, so you're gonna be in a cast for six to eight weeks.
That long? I got three little boys.
Plus, I'm a crossing guard at a middle school.
I can't go to work on crutches.
Those kids will eat me alive.
Oh, don't worry.
We've submitted your claim to insurance, so soon, you'll be swinging babies in a brand-new wheelchair.
Dr.
Sommers.
A word? Dr.
Sommers, Deidre isn't getting a wheelchair.
Her insurance rejected the claim.
They approved her for crutches.
Crutches? With three kids and working as a crossing guard? I mean, we might as well break her other leg now, 'cause it's gonna happen.
This is what insurance companies do.
They approve the option that's cheapest rather than the option that's best for the patient.
I've battled the insurance companies many times.
You never get what you want.
I find that people respond to kindness.
Yeah, so maybe all I need to do is put a little bit of sugar on it.
Oh, I see.
The insurance companies would approve everything if I was friendlier.
Well, watch out, insurance companies.
Here comes Dr.
Sommers and his sugar.
Yeah.
You're learning, and that's what's important.
(SINGS QUIETLY) Lexie's doing stand-up? Yes.
And, you know, we've been kind of a mess lately, so I'm putting together a secret group bonding trip to go support her.
- Pass.
- (SCOFFS) Dennis, it won't be the same without you.
You are the core of this group.
That is true, huh? - I'm in.
- Yes.
And we could use the hang time.
Stand-up makes me uncomfortable.
Daniel, it won't be the same without you.
You're the core of this group.
That is true.
I'm in.
And you know, you are the core of this group.
- No, I'm not.
- I know, but you should come anyway.
Okay, I'm in.
I'm on the phone with Tanya from insurance, and she's delightful.
You might think your sugar is working, but I'm gonna tell you exactly what's gonna happen.
You'll be bounced around from rep to rep and then placed on a brief hold that will never, ever end.
No, that's not gonna happen.
We're vibing, and I'm gonna get that wheelchair.
Observe.
All right, Tan Tan, let's get to the next steps, shall we? How do we get our girl Deidre into a shiny new wheelchair? TANYA: Oh, that's gonna be easy as pie.
I'm guessing she needs to talk to a supervisor.
I do need to talk to a supervisor.
Probably to go over logistics.
Just to go over some logistics.
And in order to do that Wait for it.
I will need to put you on a brief hold.
Oh, no, no.
Maybe we could just keep me on that (GROANS) (SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Whatever.
I could listen to smooth jazz forever.
(LAUGHS) Then you're in luck because you will.
(LIVELY CHATTER) (WHOOPS) Isn't this fun, hanging out as a group? I think the last time I was in a comedy club, I was dating your dad.
Mm, looks like the joke's on me.
Hey, you think I should go up there? - No, Mom.
Let's sit down.
- Okay.
Hey, I didn't know you invited Dr.
Frost.
I didn't.
Well, either someone brought in a Brooks Brothers mannequin, or it's him.
Dr.
Frost? - Oh, Dr.
Kenney.
- What are you doing here? Well, I enjoy amateur comedy.
Reminds me that laughter is the best medicine.
- Yeah.
- Except for morphine.
You can't beat morphine.
(LAUGHS) Just give up, man.
You've been on hold for hours.
No, it's for a good cause.
Plus, I think the phone is fused to my face.
Oh, you're here.
Yeah, I'm the core of the group.
Hey, I thought you said I was the core of the group.
It doesn't matter if the core is you or Daniel or clearly me.
(STAMMERS) Tonight is about coming together and supporting Lexie.
- Look, anyway, show's starting.
- (MUSIC BEGINS, CHEERING) Dr.
Frost, why don't you join us? Oh, thank you.
I love to laugh, but laughing with others? Now, that's a real gift.
(CHUCKLES) What's up, party people? (WHOOPS) Ha-ha! She's good.
Let me remind you, it's a two-drink minimum to see the show and a six-drink minimum to enjoy it.
(LAUGHTER) Dude, turn off your phone.
I can't.
I got to go, but remember all the jokes.
The thing I love most about comedy is hearing it secondhand.
Get ready for some funny.
Please give a warm welcome to Lexie Gilani! (CHEERING) FROST: Hang on.
I think that's Dr.
Gilani.
Hey, everyone.
(CHUCKLES): Ooh.
Bright.
Uh, I've actually never done this before, but, uh, I realized I needed an outlet when I got so stressed at work, I stole a therapy dog.
(LAUGHTER) Now that dog's in therapy.
Which is probably a good thing, 'cause his mom's a total bitch.
(LAUGHTER) See, I'm a doctor, and I work with a bunch of lunatics.
Oh, she's gonna roast us.
The head guy, Dr.
Frost he's old and brittle.
Every time he talks, I keep thinking about how easy it would be to kidnap him.
(LAUGHS): Yeah, it would be.
(LAUGHTER) Although, when I'm talking, she should really be listening.
Yeah.
And then there's Nurse Dennis at the front desk.
Uh, he's like if Eeyore was a six-foot-five black dude.
(LAUGHS) Spot-on.
Eeyore's the sexy one, right? And then there's this old lady doctor Carol.
I guess I didn't need to say she was old.
No one's named their kid "Carol" since the Great Depression.
Ah, then there's always the cocky, hot doctor.
He thinks he's God's gift to women.
Guilty as charged.
But if that's the best God can do, he's not invited to my birthday.
(LAUGHTER) Bring a receipt, God! (LAUGHS) 'Cause I'd return him.
- (LAUGHTER) - Uh, so there's this pharma rep.
Uh, she's pretty hot.
I'd give her, like, a 8.
5.
Like, out of eight? Ooh, ya burnt.
And to add to the craziness, Hottie Point Five and God's Gift were dating.
(LAUGHS) That's a good one.
Wait, what? Jenny and Daniel? Mom? Mom, are you good? Are you ever gonna talk again? Jennifer, you know I don't like to make a scene in public.
I can't believe you dated Daniel and you never told me about it! Mom, it wasn't that big of a deal.
It was just one dinner.
And Daniel didn't even wait for the food to come out.
(CHUCKLES): That's not the whole story.
That is exactly the whole story.
You knew, too? Okay, well, I guess maybe my only real friend here is Dr.
Frost.
Well, I must admit I also knew.
I actually went on the date with them.
What?! Oh, it's not what you think.
It wasn't a double date.
It was just me and them.
Okay.
Good night.
Oh, my God, I have been such a fool.
I thought I was the one bringing the group together.
Turns out the group has been together, keeping a secret from me.
How fun.
Carol, it wasn't a secret.
It was something that I was told specifically not to tell you.
Mom, don't blame them.
This is on me.
I just didn't know how you'd react if you knew that I went out with Daniel.
This is how I would react.
Are you crazy?! Daniel?! There's so many reasons why going out with him is a bad idea.
He is my coworker.
He's your coworker.
Plus, he's vain and insecure.
If I'm vain, then how can I be insecure? (CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
Did you guys all just get here? I just wandered in myself.
We saw your show, Lexie, and we're not happy.
Lexie, you were better than that girl who played the tambourine.
I'd have to say my favorite joke of yours was the one about kidnapping Dr.
Frost.
That or the one that made my mom stop speaking to me.
I can't decide.
Again, I didn't invite any of you.
If I'd known you were gonna be there, I would've played it safe with my Muslim lesbian stuff.
Oh.
Wait.
- There's my mom.
- Mm.
- She looks less mad, right? - Totally.
Carol! - Over here! - Mom.
Hey, friend! JAKE: OMG.
It's happening.
Be cool.
JENNY: Oh, God.
She's gonna do that thing where she pretends to be better friends with someone else.
I know she's just trying to make us feel bad, but it is making me feel bad! Hi, Jake.
Hey, do you know anything about Daniel and Jenny? Oh, no.
What happened? Did their Crohn's flare up? What? No.
Oh.
I only guessed that 'cause my Crohn's flared up.
Oh.
Well, I guess we're the last to know, hmm? Know what? (LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) - Wow, he's really making her laugh.
- CAROL: Oh, my God.
Weird.
I thought he'd just talk about his Crohn's again.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Yeah.
I guess it is kind of funny that my digestive tract makes such loud noises.
(CAROL LAUGHING LOUDLY) JAKE (LAUGHING): Thank you, Carol.
You've given me a whole new perspective on my illness.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE) Wh-Why is your phone in a plastic bag? Well, I had to shower with it.
You had to? RECORDED VOICE: Your call is important to us.
Oh, don't lie to me, you heartless robot! Come on, pick up, you coward! RECORDED VOICE: We appreciate your patience.
You are the next caller in the queue.
(PANTING): Oh, my God.
I'm the next caller.
Oh, I'm almost there.
Ooh, I can taste that wheelchair.
(PHONE BEEPS, MUSIC STOPS) Uh oh, my battery.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't have my charger on me.
Do you have a charger for a flip phone? Do you have a needle for my record player? Come on, man, I'm not that old.
No, you're not.
But you know who is old? Old people.
(GRUNTS) Geriatrics, I need your lost and found, stat! Oh, yes.
Charger.
I'm saved.
Everything's gonna be okay.
That's so good to hear.
So there's no sign of bacteria in the cultures from your paracentesis, and your bilirubin has improved.
In other news, Eddie, I'm a lone wolf now.
I ride solo, just like you.
I'm actually very popular.
Is this about Daniel and Jenny dating? They told you, too?! Okay Shoot.
I did it again.
I got to get people to stop telling me secrets.
Love hearing 'em.
Can't keep 'em in.
Okay, here I thought I was the Styrofoam; turns out I'm the cellophane.
First thing you throw away.
You throw away the Styrofoam, too.
Yeah.
Why do you hate metaphors, Eddie? You know, Carol, this might just be the perspective of a guy who lives in a hospital, but I think you're overreacting.
(SIGHS) I know.
It it's just that this place has become my whole life.
I-I always thought that I was as important to everyone else as they are to me.
Knowing that I was the only one on the outside of something it hurts.
Look, I-I told you, I'm very popular.
Yes, I get that, Eddie.
So I know all the hospital gossip who's dating, who's fighting, who has a podcast about Siamese cats.
Dennis.
- Is that another secret? - No.
He's real proud of it.
But I also hear the truth about who people like and who they don't, and everyone in this hospital loves you.
Really? Do they call me the core of the group? I don't think anyone calls anyone that.
Yeah.
But I do know you're very important to them.
(SIGHS) Thank you, Eddie.
This really makes me feel better.
I'm glad.
Oh.
Uh, not to ruin this moment, but Bad News Jake loved your lunch.
He's gonna ask you to be his plus-one at his cousin's wedding.
(SIGHS) I hope it's not a destination wedding.
You know, he used to have a crush on his cousin.
Dang it! I did it again! Oh! This is fantastic! I can move.
I can go to work.
- I can chase my sons.
- (LAUGHS) Right, it's still gonna be a tough recovery, but hopefully this'll help.
- Now, give it a whirl! - Okay.
Ooh, watch out.
Too fast, too furious.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe insurance agreed to pay for an even nicer wheelchair than the one we requested.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, you know, it just, it just goes to show that behind all the bureaucracy and red tape, an insurance company is just a collection of human beings I know you paid for it.
The insurance company's full of monsters.
Tanya's a demon.
The system doesn't work! (SIGHS) So, Dr.
Sommers, what's your plan? To pay for every patient insurance won't? Yeah.
That was my plan.
And to get emotionally invested.
I appreciate your instincts.
It's admirable.
Really? You're not mad? No.
I I once paid for a patient's insulin pump after insurance denied it.
When I can help, I do.
But it's not sustainable.
One person can't pay for everything.
I hear you, but I have a trust fund, live in a one-bedroom apartment, and I mostly eat beans.
Well, then, buy all the wheelchairs you want.
Hey.
Hey.
How you holding up? (SIGHS) Not great.
My mom's furious at me.
Yeah, no kidding.
Me, too.
I'm sorry.
And over nothing.
Less than nothing.
I mean, we agreed not to date.
- It's the wrong time.
- The wrongest.
Even if we really wanted to.
- Which we don't.
- Not at all.
- It's ridiculous.
- Never gonna happen! Hey.
Hey.
Does this mean you're speaking to us again? I may have overreacted a little.
Okay, a lot.
I don't know.
If I heard Daniel was dating my daughter, I'd fly into a blind rage, too.
I know, but it wasn't that.
It was hearing that you guys were keeping something from me.
It just made me feel left out.
I'm sorry.
It was a hard choice: keeping Daniel and Jenny's secret or being open with you.
If it was just Daniel's secret, we would've told you immediately.
That's okay.
I should apologize to you.
I mean, I learned a lot today, but the most important thing I learned - was that you guys love me.
- LEXIE: Mm.
That is an odd apology.
And I want you guys to know I love you, too.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
I hope there's hard pineapple.
Next time we have a night off, let's all just grab a drink together.
Yes, and we can invite Daniel and Jenny.
Aw.
That's big of you.
And thank goodness they didn't get together, right? I would have to change careers again.
(CHUCKLING) This is gonna be amazing, in that it's going to be terrible.
(CHUCKLES) I can't wait.
All right, remember, be supportive.
Okay, uh, first, I'd like to thank Dr.
Gilani for inspiring me.
This is my first time, so I'll admit I'm a little nervous.
(CLEARS THROAT) Here goes nothing.
What's the deal with airline travel? Am I right? Sometimes those towels in first class are so hot you can barely use them to open your pores! (LAUGHS) And if you're gonna be out of sweet vermouth, maybe don't call the Manhattan your "signature cocktail".
Huh? Am I correct in this assumption? MAN: What are you talking about? Your mom.
(CHUCKLES)