Cougar Town s01e14 Episode Script

You know, I'm feeling a little guilty because last night you left your purse here.
And when the pizza man came, I was two dollars short, so I took it from you.
Two bucks? Big deal.
Well, I also took a pack of gum, a lipstick and, uh, 28 other dollars.
I was going out to get wine.
You stole from me to support a drinking habit? - I am so proud of you.
- Well, I thought you would be.
[Door closing.]
No! Please tell me you did not wear that T-shirt out.
- You're welcome.
- Andy, I'm sure you heard that last week Bobby and I kind of reconnected in a physical way, and then I realized it was a mistake.
You hit it and quit it.
That's how I do.
Anyway, could you go check on him and make sure he's OK? No problem.
It's not like I have to spend any time at the gym.
[Grunting.]
No.
Don't look at me.
I just can't take seeing you right now.
Then it makes total sense to come to the bar I own.
I feel so guilty about sleeping with you and not telling Jules.
I know.
I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and un-do you know, you.
I would also use it to go back and tell my cousin not to give her daughter up for adoption.
We're pretty sure she's Dakota Fanning now.
- Yeah, she's not adopted.
- Hey, have you guys seen Bobby? He's not at his boat or the golf course or that underpass where he buys fish and sports coats.
You must've just missed him there.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, little buddy! You like? Four bucks.
Do you know how I like everything to be about me? I've met you.
So, uh-huh.
I just feel like you and I haven't had an Ellie Day in such a long time.
You know, where we focus on my needs? I talk, you listen, you talk and I think of what I'm gonna say next, like that.
Well, I really like those days.
I feel like a butler.
What are we gonna do? You could take me shopping at age-inappropriate stores, and then we could come back and drink that $28 bottle of wine that you bought.
It was really two $14 bottles of wine, and, uh, they're gone.
- Are you still proud of me? - Maybe even more so, sweetie.
Heard about Jules, man.
You OK? I won't lie.
Her telling me that it's definitely, really over? It stung a bit.
- Sorry, man.
- It's OK.
I've moved on.
Now I'm celebrating with a parking lot booze cruise on the boat.
I just need Gray Poupon over here to get off his wallet and loan me three kegs.
Why don't you just buy a few cases of beer? Because then there won't be any sexy keg-pumping banter.
Hey, baby.
[Girly voice.]
You're really good at that.
- You want me to keep pumping? - Never stop pumping.
A whole new level of disturbing.
Who's your friend? He's handsome.
[Giggling.]
Give it up.
- [Giggling.]
- [Bobby laughing.]
Well, hello, sir.
That's Alex, my tennis teacherlfake boyfriend.
I've been fake-seeing him for months.
Ooh, look at that cute little button nose.
I'd like to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable that you want to wear them, it makes you seem serial killer-y.
Especially when you do it about kids.
Ooh, I would love to have a scarf made out of little-bitty baby hands.
See, that's not a great "out-loud" thought.
I'm gonna be back from my lesson in an hour and then you and I will have Ellie Day.
I'm so sorry, but I really am not up to it today.
I just keep thinking about that mess with Bobby and then it takes me back to obsessing on what am I doing with my life, and I don't wanna burden you with it.
But what am I doing with my life? - Ellie, am I gonna be alone forever? - How are we back here again? Please, I can get back to this place from anywhere.
Say a word.
Eggplant.
Eggplants are vegetables, my uncle's a vegetable because he got hit by a truck.
Trucks carry beers, beers come in 40s, I'm 40 and alone, - and what am I doing with my life? - Wow.
- Where are you going? - Sorry, Captain, I have to bounce.
Come on, man.
It's time you started living like you have a mustache.
- Well, that's just gibberish.
- No, it's not.
It means I have to ask myself the ultimate question: What would Burt Reynolds do? - I'm gonna call Ellie.
- Hell, yeah! - [Chanting.]
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! - [Crowd chanting.]
- [Phone ringing.]
- What? I'm busy.
Hey, look, Bobby's hurting real bad.
- You think I should stay with him? - Do whatever, I've gotta go.
Hey, everybody! I'm in! Eh They seemed more invested a second ago.
- You gotta turn your hips.
- Yeah, but I'm confused.
I think you should show me again.
Hey, there! Ellie said you had room for one more? - Always.
- All right.
What are you doing here? A little flirty-flirty might help me with my mood.
Don't get bummed if he ignores you, because he's pretty into me.
Aren't you a little worried about your grunting? You sound like a lumberjack.
- [Grunting.]
- [Sexy.]
Ah! - [Grunting.]
- [Breathy.]
Ah! - [Grunting.]
- Yes! - [Grunting.]
- Oh, God! Did you really just say, "Oh, God?" [Exhaling.]
I quit.
[Groaning.]
Oh, God.
- Oh, I have heartburn in my brain.
- Where's Andy? [Grunting.]
Ah! [Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah.
I put you in can-jail for partying too hard.
I gotta get home! [Grayson.]
Why are his pants so long and tight? [Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah.
We traded.
Hm Ooh - Oh, God.
- Good coffee, Mrs.
Torres? She's just mocking me.
Because yesterday, when I was making those noises I'm out.
I'm allowed to make fake sexual noises, Travis! That's a weird thing to take a stand on.
I shouldn't Oh! Hey, hi.
I'm so sorry I was out all night.
Uh, Bobby was so down.
Teeny-tiny headache.
You missed some idiot calling I have to check my voicemail to see who to kill.
I'll do that for you.
So, when's our next tennis lesson? - Never.
I call dibs on Alex.
- [Door opening, closing.]
- You can't call dibs.
You're married.
- Hey.
Hey, will you help us figure out who gets dibs on a guy? Easy.
Which one of you is pregnant? - No one.
- Well, then I got nothing.
[Drunk Andy.]
Ellie, wake up, I miss you.
- Andy, who is it? - Uh phone solicitor.
- Oh.
- And delete.
You have to let me come on another lesson.
You don't want me to go because you're scared that Alex is gonna like me more than you, because I know how to talk like young people.
- Really? - Chillax, tweet, Rihanna.
Wow! What-what! - Hate myself.
- Go ahead and come tomorrow.
Oh, it is so on.
You can't be happy when you say that.
Try it again.
You have to be mean.
- It is so on, you stupid bitch.
- Wow.
- Was that too much? - Yeah.
[Door opening.]
- Hey, can we talk? - OK, never barge in on an 18-year-old - who has the Internet.
- Once again, I act without thinking.
What are you talking about? I did something that I really, really regret.
And the worst part is, whenever I feel this down, I always end up back together with Dale.
It happens so often that I keep a drawer of stuff at his house, Travis.
You know, a toothbrush, shampoo, my Jessica Simpson hair extensions.
Why don't you just go get your stuff so you'll never have to go back? That is so smart! You should make all my decisions for me in life.
Come on, you can be, like, my conscience, just sitting on my shoulder.
"Hey, Laurie, do the right thing.
" "No, the bad thing's too much fun.
" "Shut up, bad side of Laurie!" Come with me to Dale's.
Please.
- How could I say no to that? - [Knocking at door.]
[Jules.]
Travis, I'm coming in.
My hand is on the door.
OK, I'm in the room now.
Do I have the all-clear sign? That is how you enter Travis' room.
Where are you going? I hate to leave you alone two nights in a row, but Bobby's still in a very bad way.
- He needs me, Ellie.
- Whatever.
- I am sprung, boys! - [Chuckling.]
I wanna remember this night.
Hm.
May the best woman win.
Wow! Don't go easy on me, Alex.
Seriously, I have no limits.
Oh, God! I think we should get started, because ever since Miss "No Limits" turned 41, she can't drive after dark.
Do you think you should you be hitting the ball that hard so soon after your episiotomy? Her baby's head, this big! [Gasping.]
Ow! Oh! - That was the small of my back.
- Play or go home! [Panting.]
I can't breathe! I am glad Dale wasn't there.
What's with these street signs? "Ferndale," "Glendale," "Dale St.
" These are all signs an idiot named Dale would have.
- We just robbed him, didn't we? - Sorry, Travis.
I just wanted to hurt him.
You know, a better conscience would've stopped me.
Right.
This is my bad.
- Is that a real human skull? - It's his great granddad.
Dale keeps it out of respect.
And to smoke tobaccky out of.
[Groaning.]
[Sighing.]
Man, remember when you were in your 20s, and could drink all night and still feel good enough in the morning to write a love letter to your girlfriend? I was a different person in college.
You know what we should do tonight? A good old-fashioned beer parade.
- I'm out, fellas.
- Like your belly button, I'm "innie.
" I knew you would be, A-Train.
Catch you later.
So you're just gonna hold his hand - while he hits rock bottom? - What? You know how hard we've partied the last two nights? Well, Bobby has done that for the last six days.
- Right.
- Look, I think that I think that Bobby's in real trouble.
- Oh, man.
- I know.
Oh, um What can you tell me about this? You may wanna get used to that.
It's, uh, permanent marker.
- [Dinging.]
- [Groaning.]
Well, of course you're gonna win this Alex thing.
You even pick up balls sexy.
When I do it, I look like I'm going to the bathroom in the woods.
I'm a very sensual person.
I give off intense pheromones.
That's why cats don't like me.
Hey, Jules, you wanna grab dinner sometime? I'd love to.
I would lo-o-o-o-ove to! Good for you.
Wait, hey, you can't run away, because I'm your ride.
- Alex, have you seen my keys? - [Engine revving.]
- What? Come on! - [Tires squealing.]
Your car is in the driveway.
I think your keys are somewhere in the bushes.
Look, I thought we were having fun.
But clearly this little contest has hit a nerve.
So I'm officially backing off of Alex for you.
And not just because when he drove me home, I peeked behind the curtain in his van, he is living in it.
You don't get it.
This isn't about Alex.
- That's why you're a bad friend.
- What? No, hey! You are not gonna say something that mean and just walk off.
Come here! - I've been thinking about Bobby.
- Shocker.
- Stop chasing me! - Stop making me chase you! [Ellie yells.]
Anyway, we need to talk to him.
Not "we," you.
He'll listen to you.
It's just, even though I am the alpha dog of our little trio, I'm no good at saying tough stuff to Bobby.
I always chicken out.
- You're letting me have alpha dog? - Feel like you need it.
- Thanks.
- No.
No hugging, OK? Since we have to put Dale's stuff back, can I at least draw a pee-pee on the "slut with power tools" poster? No.
Wow, Dale has a lot of hurting paraphernalia.
He has the third-largest nunchuck collection in all of Gulf Haven.
Does that make it hard for him to attain other goals? - [Door opening.]
- Yeah, I gue Oh, my God! He's here! Put it down, get out! [Whispering.]
I already have to pee.
- Ha! Gotcha! - [Screaming.]
[Yelling.]
[Giggling.]
- Oh, Mr.
And Mrs.
Winston! - Hi, Lottie.
Yard's looking great.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Best buddy! Just in time to help me try my new sangria hat.
[Slurping.]
[Chuckling.]
Damn it, the fruit slices keep clogging the lines.
So you come over for a reason, or just to hang? Just to hang.
Wanna go down to the boardwalk, see if we can get a caricature of us on a - surfboard getting chased by a shark? - More than anything.
You gotta admit that was a little funny.
I mean, not to me, but If you're not gonna talk to me, then why did you come back to my house? Because I'm wet, and I know you just recovered your couch.
All right, please stop! - I'm gonna get the chair, too.
- No, you're not.
No! - Stop! - You stop it! - Come on, no! - [Sighing.]
Whatever.
I don't have time for this.
Of course not, 'cause it's all about Jules.
What? Oh, you heard your name and you became interested, didn't you? Ever since the divorce, everything has to be all about you.
I asked you to have one Ellie Day and you totally blew it off.
But you had plenty of time to come hone in on my fake boyfriend and ruin that.
I don't think you understand what it's like to be single and to start your life all over again.
Please, not again with, "I'm 40 and single.
Can I kiss a guy in public? Can I have my 20s in my 40s? What if I end up alone?" It's not fair.
How come I don't get to have one problem just because my marriage worked out and yours didn't? - All right, that's way too mean! - I know! Take-back so I don't spiral! No.
I hope you eat your guilt away and gain 70 pounds.
Oh, well, that's perfect.
'Cause now, I'm not the only selfish one.
Nobody's ever called me selfish in my entire life.
That's 'cause you never were before.
[Mouths silently.]
[Practice fighting noises.]
Hey, are you hungry? I'll take a grilled cheese.
What the hell are you talking about? No.
I end up in here so much that I stashed some granola bars just in case.
Yeah, one time I hid in here to catch Dale cheating.
Another time because Dale came home while I was cheating with his cousin.
I bet that dude got nunchucked.
They had to rebuild his nose with part of his elbow.
I didn't even know they could do it, but honestly, it looked better.
[Gasping.]
I make one horrible decision after another.
I'm a ridiculous person.
Well, you don't make all great choices.
But, at least now when you make bad decisions, it actually bothers you.
- It totally does.
- See, that's new.
That's progress.
You're gonna be fine.
So why'd you really come over? [Sighing.]
To lay some hard truth on you, but I don't think I can do it.
Sure, you can.
And I need to hear it.
All right, listen, Bobby you're the life of the party, and everybody loves that about you.
Good start.
Ease in with the positive.
But lately You're getting lost in my eyes.
Look away.
Oh, all right.
Um But lately, you're taking it too far.
And if you don't stop with this bender, then I'm gonna have to stop looking up to you and that's gonna suck for me.
I know the Jules thing was a real kick in the stones, but you'll get past it.
Just not like this, though.
You're better than this.
Man, it hurts pretty bad, buddy.
You think we can get that boardwalk guy to draw you with some Don King hair? - You wanna put me in a bikini, too? - Hell, you know it! [Chuckling.]
Are you eating cake 'cause you feel bad about all the mean things you said? No, I'm just eating cake.
Look, I don't wanna talk about all the things that we talked about before, because when I think about it, it just makes me so mad.
Not at you, but at myself.
Will you accept my apology? Before you answer, I brought over two bottles of $14 wine, which I bought with my own money.
Actually, I got the money from Travis' wallet Wow, I may have a problem.
Anyway, I also brought my laptop computer.
I found some great online shopping sites.
I know it's too late for Ellie Day, but we could always do Ellie Night.
You could look at things you like and I could tell you how you'd look in them.
What do you think? - May I pour you a glass of wine? - Yes, you may.
Do you think I would look good in that shirt? - Oh, so cute.
- What about those pants? Do you think I would look skinny in those pants? So skinny.
I mean, too skinny, maybe.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why do you think that color always looks so good on me? - Because you are so beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Hey, babe.
- Hm.
Hi.
[Machine beeping.]
[Drunk Andy.]
Hi! Hey, hey, hey, there's a really cute girl here.
She looks like a younger version of you.
Hey, hey, Melody, come over here and say hello to my wife.
Her name's Ellie.
She's awesome.
[Girl.]
Hey, Smelly Ellie.
[Andy giggling.]
Smelly Ellie! She's gonna love that! Oh, I love that you're wearing stockings with shorts.
[Machine beeping.]
I forgot to erase one, didn't I? - You did.
Good night.
- Mm.
Couch? Couch.