Dads s01e14 Episode Script

1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, what a weird movie.
I know.
Vin diesel always looks like he can't decide what he's smelling.
He's, like Gasoline? No.
It's cake.
Come here.
Pretend I no here.
Edna It's okay, you-you can go.
Okay.
Thank you, Mr.
Eli.
Thank you.
Wha E-Edna, wha What are you doing? Tomorrow I work from home.
Where were we? Eli, there's something you should know.
Uh, okay.
Do you want to see if I can guess? Maybe we both say it at the same time.
Okay, one, two You're bisexual.
I have a son.
You have a son.
Yeah.
If-if you want to break up, I understand.
No, no.
Are you kidding? I-I love kids.
Why, I would rent a baby six times a year If that were legal.
Well, Gene is 12.
Well, you know what, Elsa? I like you.
So I'm still in.
Eli.
You have company? Yes.
Is it girl company? Yes.
Does she by any chance have any q-tips? I guess I have to tell you I have a dad.
Daddy took me to the zoo na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na, ooh So many stars up in the sky so many questions have I na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Hey.
That was, uh A beautiful woman you had here last night.
Yeah.
Things are getting kind of serious.
Mm.
There's one thing I can't figure out.
Why is she with you? Well, believe it or not, dad, she likes my personality.
No.
No way that's it.
Well, she's gonna introduce me to her son.
That's it.
Okay, now it makes sense.
Little piece of advice, take it or leave it.
Run! Wh-what? Oh, nothing.
My doctor says I should make a noise every few minutes to make sure I'm still alive.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Easy-e! E-dog! Eli-Eli-oh! Are you on something? No.
I'm just on the couch.
I got into a fight last night with camila.
It was great.
I never realized how comfortable my couch was.
I haven't slept that good since I was in a coma for two days.
I feel so alive.
Me, too.
So, did you go out last night? Yeah, yeah, I had another date with Elsa.
It's actually getting kind of serious.
Wow, number three The third date kid.
Yeah, it's good; We're, like, texting all the time.
- It's all, like - Bwoo, boo, bwoo, boo, bwoo-bwoo, bwoo-bwoo, boo, boo, boo.
Well, I keep my phone on vibrate.
Ooh, wh Where do you keep your phone on vibrate? In a manila folder with a sexual harassment complaint.
Actually, you guys can help me.
Elsa has a 12-year-old son.
I'm supposed to meet him tonight.
Hey, kid, how's it goin'? I'm serious, though This is a kid being raised by a single mom with no dad.
This is me.
I can help this kid.
Yes! Yes! Eli to the rescue.
I love energized Warner.
This is great.
Hey, you know, we got that meeting with the big-box retailers this week maybe you want to pick a fight with camila, sleep on the couch all week.
That's ridiculous.
I'm not gonna just pick a fight for no reason.
Look at the way this towel is folded, and look at the way this towel is folded.
So? So, you used two different folding techniques.
One t one towel's square while the other one's a rectangle.
What kind of country are we living in, crazy-Stan?! I don't know what your problem is tonight, but I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.
Oh, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
No, I Nuh You know what? Fine.
Okay.
Okay.
Mm.
So, Gene, tell Eli about your school.
I go to a school.
He's a little shy with strangers.
Let me just get dessert.
So, what's up, buddy! Hey, uh, do you like skateboarding? Man, I loved skateboarding when I was your age, mostly 'cause of back to the future.
I've never heard of that.
I'm not a thousand.
Uh, do you like video games? I guess.
Oh, cool.
You should come to my office, ghost child games.
Ghost child? All your games suck.
Listen, Gene I know how hard it is to grow up without a dad.
So that's why all your games suck? No, I'm just I'm saying that Like, if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
Is everyone else in the world but you dead? Come on, come on, buddy, I'm just I'm just trying to connect.
Oop! Oop! What? I'm just trying to connect my fist with your face.
Uh, what are you Hey, hey Are you and my mom doing it? Uh, ge Gene That is wildly inappropriate.
You know I came out of there 12 years ago.
I was nine pounds and 18 inches.
What are you? Less, obviously.
Are you sick of high prices and parking lots you can't land a plane in? I'm Ken.
I'm Jim.
And this is Texas big box! Texas! We got the lowest prices in all of Texas! Are you sick of mom and pop's high prices? Well, so are we.
Scram! Go on! You git! Just in case they didn't die in the wheelchair crash.
We're offering Texas-sized values at Rhode Island- sized prices.
Look at that little twerp state, Rhode Island.
"I'm Rhode Island.
" Get off my country! Whoo-hoo! So whether you're looking for shrimp or a basketball court, you come on down to Texas big box! Texas! Whoo-hoo! Texas! They seem like jerks.
Jerks that can make us rich.
Why are you being so negative? Last night I met Elsa's son, and He bullied me.
No way! Is he single? I'm serious.
Like, he almost punched me.
Well, did you almost punch him back? No! I can't hit a 12-year-old.
His mom would never sleep with me again.
I'm gonna go watch the karate kid.
Uh, no, you are not.
You are gonna go and test out the hockey death match prototype for tomorrow's meeting.
I don't want to.
All right, all right, yes, ma'am.
God, that was good.
I can't eat another bite.
Oh, thank you.
I spent almost ten minutes ordering it.
Um Hey, Elsa, has has Gene been having any trouble in school? What do you mean? Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but he I mean, your son Bullied me.
What? Yeah, the other night at dinner, he he almost punched me.
I don't know, I think he needs to talk to somebody, like a therapist or maybe a Priest with no penis, so there's no funny business.
Okay, listen, if you're not man enough to be with me because I have a son, fine, wha? But don't just invent things that are wrong with him.
Oh oh, don't go into thing-gathering mode.
Oh, I am gathering.
What? Come on.
And by the way your sex face is stupid.
Yeah, well, the back of your head is stupid! Hi.
Hey.
Where is she? Oh, I'm on to your little plan.
Faking fights so you can sleep on the couch.
Wh-what are you talking about? When we got in that fight last night, you made one little mistake.
You left your day planner open, and it said, "fake fight with camila so I can sleep on couch.
" It's the paper trail.
The paper trail, you fool.
So now We're in a real fight.
I'm gonna go to bed.
These are yours.
Good night.
Warner Warner, will you stop wiggling? That's just what your mother used to do, up all night with her stomach pills and her heart pills.
She had a cute angina.
Yeah, she sure did.
Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh.
Looks like Elsa wants to make up with me.
Oh.
And it looks like she Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Uh Uh, hey, would you guys, uh, get out of here and maybe not come back for an hour? Could you guys could you guys just split, like, for a sec? Just g-get out Like, get out of the house and then, like, not-not come back for an hour? Just would you get out?! Come on, Edna.
Let's go down to the computer store and see if we can ask so many questions the guy quits.
What is computer? That'll be our first question.
Damn it.
Uh Hey, Gene.
Uh Where's your mom? I borrowed her phone.
So congratulations, you just sexted a 12-year-old.
Come in.
So Give me $100.
What? Your mom and I aren't even dating anymore.
"Your mom and I aren't even dating anymore.
" Okay.
Gene, I know that being a kid can be tough.
You know, you've got all this anger and emotion.
You don't know how to express yourself.
But being a bully, that's not the answer.
You're right.
I guess I'm just sad because my dad left.
See? I totally get that.
Can we talk about it? Absolutely.
Can I have a glass of apple juice first? Yes, of course you can.
What single guy doesn't have apple juice? Uh, let me see.
I got some water, an oj, almond milk, soy milk, chocolate soy milk, vanilla soy milk, coconut milk, actual milk, bloody Mary mix, clam juice Ew, thank you, dad Uh, tonic, pickle juice.
Oh, here it is.
One apple juice coming up.
Get ready.
Catch.
Gene? Wh Oh, my g I'm not looking.
I just forgot my glasses.
Dad, the The prototype to our game It was in my jacket.
That-that little bastard, he just stole it! "He"? Elsa's a guy? Your son is bullying my son.
Well, your son is a liar.
What? No, I'm not.
You said, "this usually doesn't happen.
" And then it happened.
Your son took my son's game and his jacket.
I need that game.
It's my only copy.
I need it for a big meeting tomorrow.
He's lying.
He gave me those.
Well, that's that.
Wha don't make me get stern with you.
Don't make me get stern Hey! With you! Ow! Single moms have become a lot more dangerous since I used to leave 'em.
Hey.
Wake up.
Sorry.
I had to sleep with my dad last night and he, uh He was having a dream.
He kept yelling, "pick me, pick me, pick me.
" Well, they wouldn't pick me, and I wanted them to.
Well, they didn't! Because I'm white.
So did you get the game? Nope.
And it just goes to show, when me and my dad work together, there is nothing we can do.
Look, we can't give up.
Give me your phone.
There.
Oh.
Hi.
Gene? This is Veronica.
I work for your mom's loser ex-boyfriend.
So, what's it gonna take for you to bring this game down here in the next 15 minutes? Ice cream? Stuffed animals? You got boobs? What? Do you Have boobs? Y-yeah.
Describe them.
De well Well, to me, they're just boring nothings.
No, they're not.
They're boobs.
Listen why don't I come over there and show them to you if you give me back that game.
Can I invite friends? No.
I'll be right over.
What happened? I have a plan.
Howdy, boys.
Stall them.
Hope you don't mind us being early, but we finished seeing everything in San Francisco.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we saw a bridge, a twisty street and a gay fella.
That-that about covers it.
So, can we get a look at this new game? Oh, yes.
Uh, soon.
It's just, um R-rendering.
I don't understand all your fancy computer terms.
That's why God created nerds! I-it'll It'll only take a minute.
Things have really slowed down around here Because of obamacare.
Are you wearing cologne? Get out! Get out, get out.
Get out! No.
Wow.
Those are not boring nothings.
Give me game.
Wait, you're not the lady I talked to on the phone.
Veronica send me instead.
Aren't you Eli's maid? Sã­.
I think you should leave.
Not without game.
Eli gave that game to my Son.
Now We can do this easy way or easy oven way.
We are not giving you anything.
This place is a mess.
If you need maid, I free on tuesday and thursdays.
So, that is hockey death match.
What do you think? We love it.
That's great, great, great.
Um, so how many units? All of 'em.
Really? Oh.
Uh, b-but we always hold back some production for the independent game shops.
Those are the guys we're trying to put out of business.
Independent game shops.
We want to stomp on the little guys' throats and then urinate into their faces.
But they helped put our company on the map.
You know, I-I yeah, it's if you urinate on the independent game shops, that's like urinating on us, and I'm not Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna let anybody urinate on me.
No.
Not again.
Well, those are the terms.
Go ahead and Sign these papers.
You know what? I'm sorry.
We We have to turn you down.
Excuse me? Yeah, you You guys are bullies.
And I'm tired of being pushed around.
I've been bullied all week.
By who? By a 12-year-old and his single mom, but that's not important.
What is im What is important is that someone needs to Stand up and do what's right.
Gentlemen, we're getting off track.
We love your game.
What's it gonna take for us to get it up on our shelves? You know what? Forget it.
$2 million.
$3 million.
Oh, my gosh.
Stop offering us money.
Stop it.
You boys drive a hard bargain, and I respect that.
We'll be back in six months.
We got a great spot opening up right between tampons and fried chicken.
Oh, this is so great.
A real bed.
Oh, honey, thank you for letting me back in.
Yeah, well, you were a complete jerk, but I know you were working hard to get that deal.
Yeah, the deal, the deal.
They, uh It went great.
They-they wanted to buy our whole inventory.
This is amazing! Are you kidding me? That's great.
Yeah, yeah.
Now we can afford to get your dad his own place.
Well, actually, we-we, uh We-we had to turn them down.
Warner? Warner They picked me.