Evening Shade s01e14 Episode Script

In Evening Shade We ain't afraid To get a little laid-back And let the daylight fade It's afternoon now in Evening Shade.
One of those snowy Sunday afternoons in January when a roaring fire feels especially good.
For Wood and Ava, it's the perfect day to prepare the nursery for the new baby, or to relax by watching a college all-star game.
Or maybe just to reminisce about one of the major events of the past year.
Wood? Huh? Oh, honey, don't do that.
I'll help you.
I know, you're supposed to be doing this.
I'm just trying to shame you into getting started.
Getting started? You remember, you promised to convert the spare bedroom? You know, take it from campaign headquarters into a nursery today.
Do I have to do it today? I was counting on watching the Dalyou Soul Bowl.
The what? Oh, it's one of those all-star games, you know, where they take American football players and they go over to the Orient, and they they play an all-star game.
Why? I have no idea.
What do you want me to do today? I want you to move all the stuff to the basement, remember? Come on, it's the perfect day for it.
I mean, Taylor's at Jennifer's, Molly's taken Will to see The Rescuers Down Under No, don't give me that look.
Are you telling me that we're all alone in the house? Yes, but we're alone often enough.
Yeah, I guess we have been.
Ooh, remember this? Oh, I know.
Ooh, you became the candidate from hell.
I was pretty awful that week, wasn't I? Yeah, I remember that day that awful day that you debated what was his name? Jim Guy? Puckett.
Jim Guy Puckett.
On the radio.
All right, listen up.
Listen good.
I know you're tired.
I know you just got up.
I I know you'd like to go back to bed, but it's too late.
Are you with me, Taylor? Uh, yeah, I just I just don't see why we have to get up so early.
I I was having this great dream.
Yeah, I was young once myself.
You'll have dreams like that for, I hope, a long time.
Now, this is the last day of the campaign.
So this is, you know, we've got to get in and help Mom, okay? Why? I thought the polls showed that she was winning.
Well, she was, but she slipped a little bit.
Well, thanks to Jim Guy Puckett and his dirty tricks.
Did you know that loose-legged striptease artist, Fontana Beausoleil, is making campaign stops with him? Which does give an entire new meaning to "pressing the flesh.
" Well, we can't worry about her.
We have two bags here of campaign buttons.
One for you, Will.
One for you, Molly.
You know what to do with them, right? Right.
Give one to each classmate and tell them to tell their parents that they should vote for Mom.
Good.
And if they don't want them? Scream and cry till they say they will.
Very good.
Now, have you got something for me? Well, I've been talking to some of the 18-year-olds down at the school, and I can probably get a big bunch of votes for Mom, if, uh she could kind of fix a couple of speeding tickets.
Not a bad idea.
I'll ask her.
No, you won't, and no, I won't.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
No favors for votes.
Listen, you kids better get dressed.
Breakfast is going to be ready in just a minute.
Big speech today, huh? Oh, except for the debate, the biggest.
The League of Women Voters.
You know, they've got a lot of clout.
Oh, I know.
I know.
Well, you should have a shapely leg up on Mr.
Puckett.
What are you going to talk about? The legalities of affirmative action in the light of recent Supreme Court decisions.
Fantastic.
What is that supposed to mean? Well, I thought you'd, you know, maybe open with a joke.
Harlan told me this great story about a priest and a rabbi and a circuit court judge.
Wood, I'm not gonna go over there and do jokes.
I've got important issues to discuss.
Yeah.
Well, I thought you might want to just lighten up a little bit, you know? I don't want people to think you're dull.
"Dull"? Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm sorry if you don't agree with my methods, but I'm running for an office that affects people in very serious ways.
And I'm only going to win that office if I, if I appeal to the serious nature in them and address the issues.
No big red nose, no seltzer bottle, no floppy shoes.
Bye.
Bye.
Harlan, I appreciate your putting up all the campaign posters, but how can a doctor with such great hand-eye coordination that he does microscopic surgery, hit himself in the hand with a hammer? Well, that's simple, Woodrow.
First, fine motor skills are not necessarily related to gross motor skills.
And second, and most important of all, Merleen was swinging the hammer.
Oh, it just seemed so simple when Harlan did it.
You know, you never know what's going to happen when you help somebody.
I remember when Harlan was in the Army.
There used to be this man who would walk around the base with a Seeing Eye dog.
And then one time I heard that the dog had died.
And so I went out and I took up a collection, and I bought a new Seeing Eye dog.
And then I found out where that man lived, and I went over there, and I said to him, "You don't know me, "but I've bought you a new Seeing Eye dog.
"And if you would like to feel my face "so that you know what I look like, well, I'm sure that my husband wouldn't mind.
" But do you know, that man was really very resentful about the whole thing.
Well, he was resentful about it because he wasn't blind.
He was a retired artillery sergeant who happened to have a German shepherd.
Excuse us, Merleen.
Woodrow and I have to do a little male bonding.
We do? What about me? Well, all right, I suppose you do qualify.
Well, what is your problem, Harlan? Now, I got no problem, but you got the problem, but you don't know it yet.
Oh.
Now, Wood, I've seen dozens of cases.
When a wife gets a powerful new job, a lot of men have problems in the connubial department.
Oh.
Now, just last month I, I treated a patient of mine for the very same thing.
Of course, I can't identify him.
But when his wife was made manager of the Wal-Mart why, their love life just dried up and blew away.
Lindel Stubbs has that problem? I'm warning you, Wood, it can happen to the best of them.
Harlan, I-I don't have this problem.
Oh, yeah, you say that now, but wait until after the election.
Ava's going to be D.
A.
, and your sex life is going to be D.
O.
A.
You know something? I think there's something to what Dr.
Eldridge is saying, Coach.
Hmm.
I mean, I had a similar situation to this in one of my own past relationships.
See, what did I tell you? Yeah, Eunice Ann Shaeffer, juicy little Dixie peach.
Oh.
Yeah.
She had a locker right next to mine in high school and used to ask me to help her out with her combination all the time.
Then one day, she got elected student body president.
I never touched her padlock again.
I think I'll go outside and get some air.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
How'd it go? Great.
Hmm.
And you? Great.
Good.
We, uh, we put up 50 posters.
Took down ten of Jim Guy Puckett's.
Only had one casualty.
Oh, Harlan, what happened? Well, let's just say too many kooks spoil the soup.
Don't you just love it when Harlan is cryptic? Yeah, I guess.
It went great, huh? Yeah.
In fact, one woman told me that I was the most informed candidate that she's heard all year.
Good.
Ooh.
Oh, that's nice.
Did you get any standing ovations? Harlan, this was a serious political discussion about important ideas, not a Springsteen concert.
She didn't get any standing ovations.
You know, the debate's on in an hour.
Oh, honey, we're already all tuned in and ready to go.
Hey, that was "Drinking Double and Acting Single.
" Speaking of single, this is Dusty Parker, and I'm spinning your hits in the a.
m.
Maybe I should go change.
Surprise, surprise.
Look who showed up early for his big debate later today, Jim Guy Puckett, my favorite uncle, a fine prosecuting attorney.
Jim Guy Disgusting, that's nothing but nepotism.
No, Frieda, Daddy's paper endorsed me.
Darling, there is a big difference between nepotism and family loyalty.
JIM GUY I just bought a little extra time here, Dusty, 'cause I wanted to encourage everybody to be sure and stay tuned in for my big debate with Ava Newton now.
And folks, remember, be sure to vote tomorrow, huh? Like we used to say in the good ol' days, "Vote early, and vote often.
" Jim Guy, how do you see this race? Well, you know, I'm a I'm just a simple, country boy, Dusty.
But I'll tell you one thing.
I have never in my life seen a filly and I don't care how mean and aggressive she might be that could ever rule over a herd of stallions.
Amen.
Mean and aggressive? I'm going to show him some mean and aggressive.
While I'm thinking about it, what kind of a woman would want to be a prosecuting attorney in the first place? I mean, you're hanging around with all those lowlifes and perverts and the other dregs of humanity.
I mean, what's she doing here? Is she just looking for cheap thrills or what? Okay, I'm going to go down there.
I'm going to hit him so hard, his parents are going to die.
Wood, that's not going to do any good.
Honey, if a man insults your wife in New York or Los Angeles, it might not mean anything.
But in Arkansas, you can get elected governor if you hit him.
Can I talk to you over here, please? Excuse us.
You can't do this to me.
I'm just trying to help.
Not like this.
I spent a year working on this campaign, the last two months working like a dog.
You're not gonna tell me now that the entire thing is gonna come down to which man can beat the tar out of the other.
That's just not right.
Yeah, it may not be right.
It'll make me feel better.
I know you're doing this because you love me, but you can't protect me all the time.
What if a defense attorney insults me or the mayor cancels my budget? I could wear a beeper.
It's very important for me to show the voters that I can stand up to Jim Guy Puckett by myself.
If I can't, then I don't deserve the job.
You may be right.
Sit down.
Can I ask you something? Sure.
How did it really go today? You picked up on that, huh? Uh-huh.
Well, actually, um, some woman in the front row dozed off and snored through most of it.
But, you know You know, when you were four years old there was a presidential debate on television? I've seen the tapes.
Nixon and Kennedy.
Kennedy won, of course, but he was gorgeous and very knowledgeable, just like you.
His upper lip didn't sweat.
That helped.
But for me, I-I-I think his sense of humor was what made him look like he was in control of the situation.
Wood, I know what you're saying, but I have gone over this debate a hundred times in my head.
I know exactly what issues to raise.
Every night for the last two weeks, I've been lying in our bed rehearsing the whole thing.
Could have fooled me.
That's the first time you've laughed in about a week.
I know.
But I'm not sure I can change my focus now.
I'll do my best.
Your best is good enough for me.
I've gotta get out of here.
Wish me luck.
Go to it, Ava.
Oh, make us proud.
Oh, and while you're there, would you ask Dusty to play that new Dwight Yoakum song? Listen, you let this whole town know what we already know, and that is that Jim Guy Puckett is all hat and no cowboy.
No.
I'm not gonna resort to name-calling.
I have run my campaign on the high road.
I am going to beat him on those issues.
He's in your hip pocket.
Yeah.
Take him to the cleaners! She's got no chance.
I know.
One of my main concerns as prosecuting attorney would be the excessive use of pesticides on surrounding farmlands.
The runoff from these areas has contaminated our river, yet Mr.
Puckett has made no attempt to publish EPA regulations, much less prosecute those who violate them.
Well, as near as I can tell, folks, what she's saying here is that, uh, if anyone in your family gets a a rash on his rump, Ava Newton's gonna be over there to check your bathwater.
I fail to see the levity when we're talking about chemicals this toxic.
Oh, listen, I think this might be a good time to let our listeners know that we're running this debate just like an open town hall meeting.
So call in with your questions for either candidate.
Let's take a call right now.
Line one, you're in Dusty Parker's town meeting.
Hey, Dusty, great show.
Thanks.
I've been listening to both candidates, and I'm mighty impressed by Ava Newton's brain power.
She sure knows her facts and figures, but she ought to sell that opening statement as a cure for insomnia.
My whole family's snoozing on the couch right now.
Lord help her.
She's going down the porcelain facility.
Well, thank you very much for your support, honey.
And I'll be looking forward to shaking your hand tomorrow night at that big victory celebration, huh? Bye-bye.
I think we got time for one more call, huh? Line one.
Hello.
I have a question for Ava Newton.
Uh, I'd like to ask her, uh, if she could guess Jim Guy Puckett's hat size.
That's a strange one.
Well, I can't really tell, but he does have a rather large head.
I guess that's why the folks in town say that Jim Guy Puckett is all hat and no cowboy.
Ouch! That that's a funny one.
You know, why do they call you Jim Guy? I mean, why did your parents feel compelled to name you Guy? Was there a doubt? Why, you're nothing but one of them wild-eyed women libbers.
That's what you are.
Oh, you mean I'm on that lunatic fringe with, uh, Jefferson and, and Lincoln and other people who believe that all citizens should have equal rights.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
You know, there are other people in the world, Jim Guy, and most of us walk erect.
Oh, you you're pregnant.
Do you have a problem with that? Well, it's just that, uh, if if you're elected to prosecuting attorney, I suppose you're just gonna have to farm that little tyke out to some day care center or something like that, aren't you, huh? Jim Guy, I'm so surprised.
Wood and I have been raising our children for 16 years.
We had no idea you were so interested in their welfare.
I'll tell you what.
We really need a babysitter Saturday night.
Are you available? That's very funny.
You're right.
That is pretty funny, thinking of you as a babysitter.
Well, you can't take care of kids.
You can't even keep criminals in prison.
Because of you, Tony Lee Bascom is back on the streets.
Now I can explain about that, 'cause that boy Oh, so can I.
So can I.
You botched his confession by not making sure he was Mirandized.
In fact, based on that case, I'd say the only Miranda you know had platform shoes and wore fruit on her head.
Oh, well, see Hi.
Hi.
Where is everybody? Oh, I dumped them.
Even the kids? They're doing their homework.
I thought you were the one that had to be serious all the time.
I don't know what happened.
I got this great mysterious phone call, and it was like a dam burst or something.
Mm.
By the way, is that your nose, or are you eating a banana? See, I can't stop.
Great.
I'm married to Shecky Newton now.
You were sensational.
Oh.
But was it too little, too late? I don't know.
We'll find out tomorrow.
Either way, I can't lose, you see.
Because I'm just this schlub of a football coach who would be married to the prosecuting attorney.
But if you lose, I wouldn't have to make any more Brownie dresses.
And I'll still be a schlub of a football coach.
I love you.
I love you.
And in that close race for prosecuting attorney over in Evening Shade, with three boxes left to count, Jim Guy Puckett still holds a narrow lead.
Hey.
It ain't over yet, Miss Ava.
Just you keep your chin up.
Thanks, Virgil.
Kiss of death.
I know.
Hey, Coach? Yeah? Uh, I came through for Ms.
Newton, so, uh, I'll be taking some practice snaps next week, okay? Thanks for clueing me in, Taylor.
Hey, no problem, man.
Yeah.
Clue me in, Taylor.
Well, see, I figured out this awesome way to get all the 18-year-old guys to vote for Mom.
Mm-hmm.
Well, since you always let seniors start the last game Mm-hmm.
I told anyone voting for Mom he could play any position.
Luther chose quarterback.
Luther is the dumbest football player in the world.
He puts his thigh pads in backwards and injures himself walking to the field.
I know.
I know.
But my history teacher said this is an old political tradition called logrolling.
You you help me roll my log, and I'll help you roll yours.
Well, how many logs will be playing quarterback on Friday? About five.
Oh.
Six.
Six, tops.
Well, you'll be centering the ball to those six logs, okay? No, come on, Dad! You'll be centering the ball.
Hey, how do you like it? Oh, I like it.
It makes you look taller.
I wore it 'cause it's my lucky hat.
Good.
Just for me.
Oh, hi, Miss Fontana.
The lovely Fontana; you look lovely.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Could I speak to your wife? Sure.
This is not about us, is it? Oh, no.
Oh.
I'm not trying to embarrass you or get my picture in the paper again.
Good.
Ava, the lovely Fontana would like to speak to you a minute.
Oh, sure.
Hi.
I guess you're surprised to see me here.
I am, too.
I know we don't agree about my dancing, and you want to shut down my club.
That's why I was helping out Jim Guy.
Yeah, I heard that you were one of his you should pardon the expression biggest supporters.
Well, I was supposed to sign autographed pictures for his voters outside City Hall today.
He even hired me to entertain a few of his close friends later tonight.
But on the radio yesterday, you really got me thinking.
Well, I'm glad I got to someone.
The way you stood up to Jim Guy.
I kept wishing I'd stood up to my family like that a few years ago, when I wanted to study dancing, and maybe get my own studio.
Anyway, I thought about it all day, and I just wanted to tell you that I voted for you.
Thank you.
I couldn't be prouder of any vote.
Aren't you gonna lose a lot of money by not going to the party? Oh, I didn't cancel the private party.
Oh.
A girl has to make a living, especially if she's going out of business.
While 43 Hey, everybody, the final results are coming in.
You know, I'd like to say something to everyone before we even know the results.
Quiet! Now that the poles are closed and my fate is sealed one way or the other, I I would just really like to tell you all how deeply grateful I am.
You all worked so hard on my campaign.
And each of you did it just without any other reward except my thanks and my love.
I'd like to say a special thank-you to my children, who put up with an absentee mom, and they did it without too much whining.
And most of all, I'd love to thank my husband, Wood.
As you all know, he's got a lot of problems of his own.
Oh.
But if you could have seen this big macho football player cooking meals and doing laundry, making tree costumes, hemming Brownie dresses All right, that Brownie outfit wasn't that great.
But, if you could have seen him, then you'd all know why I love him so much.
So, thank you.
Thank you.
And over at Evening Shade, all precincts have now reported.
Here it is.
In a mild upset, we have a winner in the prosecuting attorney's race Ava Evans Newton, a newcomer So, was it worth it? Hmm.
It's a great job.
I love it.
Yeah.
You know, after all those nice things you said about me, about how much I helped in the campaign and all that Yes? you would think that you would let me watch the Soul Bowl.
All right, go ahead.
You know, but it would only take us an hour to set up the nursery, and the kids'll be gone all afternoon.
And we'd have a whole hour to ourselves.
At least.
Oh-oh! Well, I'm gonna go downstairs.
I'll get the crib.
I'll bring it up.
You find a medium size Phillips screwdriver.
I'll meet you upstairs.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.