Friends s01e14 Episode Script

Ross, she wants you.
We just live in the same building.
-Any contact? -She lent me an egg.
-You're in! -Right.
Hey, Ross.
Come on.
Get back in the game.
The Rachel thing isn't happening, your ex-wife's a lesbian.
I don't think we need a third.
Could we get an egg, still in the shell? An egg? Go up to her and say, "I'm returning your egg.
" I think it's winning.
-It's insane.
-She'll love it.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Here.
Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go! -Think it'll work? -No way.
It's suicide.
The One With The Candy Hearts -You can't do this.
-Do what? -Roger wants to take her out.
-No! Remember why you dumped him? Because he was creepy.
And mean.
And frightening.
Still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day! You can go out with a creep any night.
I know I do.
-What are you doing tomorrow night? -That depends on how tonight goes.
-About tonight -Don't you bail on me! I said I'd bring a friend for her friend.
-But her friend sounds like a -Pathetic mess.
I know, but.
Come on.
She's needy, vulnerable.
I'm thinking.
Thanks.
You haven't been out with a woman since Janice.
You're doing this.
-She said yes.
-Way to go, man! Still got the egg, huh? How do I look? I don't care.
There's Lorraine.
No trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Hi, Joey.
Well, well! Look what you brought! Very nice.
And what did you bring? She's checking her coat.
I'm gonna wash the cab smell off of my hands.
Get me a white zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice? Janice!? Oh my God! Hey, it's Janice! Okay, I'm making a break for it! I've been waiting for, like, forever to go out with Lorraine.
-Just calm down.
-Calm down? You set me up with a woman I've dumped twice in the last five months! Can you stop yelling? You're making me nervous and.
I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry, you're right.
Come on! Do it, do it! Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete.
-Who? -Pete the Weeper.
The guy that used to cry every time we had sex? "Was it good for you?" I'd take crying any day over Howard, the "I win" guy! "I win! I win!" We went out for two months.
I didn't win once.
How do we end up with these jerks? We're some kind of magnets.
I know I am.
That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right? You know my friend who shaves her head? No.
I have this friend who shaves her head.
She says to break the bad boyfriend cycle you can do a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
We can do it tomorrow night.
It's Valentine's Day.
It's perfect.
Okay, what kind of ritual? We can burn the stuff they gave us.
Or? Or we can chant and dance around naked with sticks.
Burning's good.
You know I can pick up quarters with my toes.
Yeah? Good for you.
Quarters or rolls of quarters? By the way, I cut you out of all of my pictures.
So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
That's okay.
You could make little puppets out of them.
And you could use them in your Theater of Cruelty! -We can't do that! -What? What can't you do? Can I talk to you for a second? Over there? We might be leaving now.
Tell me it's you and me "we.
" She wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is! But I definitely want to be a part of it! Okay, you cannot do this to me.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Can we have three chocolate mousses to go? I'm out of here.
Here's my credit card.
Dinner's on me.
I hope she throws up on you.
Thanks.
-So.
-Just us.
What a crappy night! I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's been sticking out of your zipper.
Excuse me.
How you doing? So do we have the best friends, or what? Joey's not a friend.
He's a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink? Dessert? A big-screen TV? -I'll have a drink.
-Got it.
Good woman! -A bottle of overpriced champagne.
-Each.
That's right, each.
And a rob roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, I miss you already.
-Can you believe this happened? -No, no! And yet it did.
-Goodbye, Janice.
-kiss me! Oh, Chandler.
Sorry.
Oh, Chandler.
Sorry! -Hey, Janice.
-Hi, Monica.
Well, this was very special.
Rach, come see who's out here! What's going on? Oh, my God! Janice! Hi! Janice is gonna go away now! I'll be right back.
Joey! Look who it is! Good.
Joey's home.
This is so much fun! This is like a reunion in the hall! Ross, there's someone I want you to say hi to.
He happened to call.
Hi, Ross.
That's right, it's me! How did you know? So, if dogs experience jet lag because of the seven dog years to one human year thing when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses a week and a half.
That's funny! They should be cooking the food soon.
Oh, good.
Who are they? The blond is my ex-wife.
The woman touching her is her close, personal friend.
-They're lovers? -lf you want to put a label on it.
-Anything else I should know? -Nope.
That's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part.
Hello! Now we need sage branches and the sacramental wine.
All I had is oregano and a Fresca.
That's okay! Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
-Can we start throwing things in? -Yeah, okay! Okay.
Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
-A picture of Scotty Jared naked! -Let me see! -He's wearing a sweater.
-No.
-Whose MCl card is that? -Mine.
Shoot! Remember this number: Nine, seven, four.
Okay, and here we have the last of Paolo's grappa.
Wait, isn't it almost pure How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day? I don't know.
You dumped her on New Year's.
In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Hello, funny valentine! Hi, just Janice.
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.
I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna.
If you don't do it, I will.
-So are you actually from New York? -Not originally.
I'm from -You said they'd shoot it without you.
-I thought they could.
The maxi-pads were a piece of cake.
Mini-pads should be that much easier.
-It's Valentine's Day.
-I know, but it's my job.
I'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I'm spending most of my time teaching science which is funny because that wasn't even my major.
Now, that is funny! Do you think it would be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? Because she's alone now.
And pregnant.
And sad.
-I guess.
-Are you sure? Carol! -Wanna join us? -No, I'm fine.
Come on.
These people will scooch down.
You guys will scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on! -Come on.
-Thank you.
IKristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick.
Carol, Kristen.
-How do you do? -Carol teaches sixth grade.
And Kristen.
IKristen does something that, funnily enough wasn't even her major! -Thanks for coming over.
-Not at all.
It's pretty much our job.
That's why we get the cool hats.
-What do we got there? -A piece of sik boxer shorts.
Some greeting cards.
A half-charred picture of.
That guy's hairier than the chief! It's a really funny story how this happened.
I was taking out the trash, and Phoebe was burning incense It's all right.
This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire we've seen get out of control.
-Third one tonight.
-Really? Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
Next time you're burning your ex-boyfriend's stuff: One, do it in a well-ventilated area.
Two, if you wanna burn his clothing, stay away from synthetic fabrics.
Three, try to let go of the anger, and learn to love yourself.
-I brought you something.
-ls it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts.
"Chan and Jan Forever.
" I had them made special.
Okay, Janice.
Hey, Janice.
There's no way to tell you this.
At least, there's no new way.
I just don't think things are gonna work out.
That's fine.
It is? Because I know that this isn't the end.
You see, actually, it is.
No, because you won't let that happen.
Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing! Oh, no, I don't.
Why do we keep ending up together? New Year's, who invited who? -Valentine's, who asked who into bed? -I did, but You seek me out! Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn! Janice! Janice! You push me away, you pull me back! You want me.
You need me.
You can't live without me.
And you know it.
You just don't know you know it.
See? Call me! It's not true.
I never called your mother a wolverine.
You did so, I swear to How long has she been in the bathroom? She isn't in the bathroom.
Her coat's gone.
Well, maybe it's cold in there.
I screwed up my first date in nine years.
-That could be it.
-Oh, God.
You know, this is still pretty hot.
Mushroom.
Smile.
They won't all be like this.
Some might stay through dinner.
-I'm sorry.
That's not funny.
-It's just.
You know the whole "get on with your life" thing? Well, do I have to? I'm sitting here with this cute woman and she's perfectly nice, but that that's it.
Then I'm here talking to you, and it's easy and it's fun.
And I don't have to.
-I know.
-You know? Here's a wacky thought.
Let's say you and I give it another shot.
I know what you're gonna say.
You're a lesbian.
But what do you say we just put that aside for now.
Let's just stick a pin in it.
Because we're great together.
You can't deny it.
I've got a ring at home that fits you.
I've got lots of pictures with both of us in them.
And best of all, you're carrying my baby.
-I mean, how perfect is that? -Ross You keep saying that, but there's something right here.
I love you.
I love you too.
-But -No "but.
" You know that thing we put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out.
You'll find someone.
The right woman is waiting for you.
It's easy for you to say.
You found one already.
All you need is a woman who likes men, and you'll be set.
Not her.
So, you guys really slide down a pole? -Absolutely.
-That's so cool.
How do you get back up? Well, we rarely have to return from a fire as quickly.
So, would you guys.
Would you like to, sometime, maybe.
Go for a drink sometime? Sure, sounds good.
We get off at midnight.
We'll pick you up then.
Okay.
Great! So will you bring the truck? I'll even let you ring the bell.
-We'll see you later.
-Bye! See you later! Oh, my God! See? There you go.
The cleansing worked.
You're right.
They're nice guys! They're firemen guys! -Tell them you're married? -No.
My girlfriend doesn't even know.