Guys With Kids (2012) s01e14 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, I'm just gonna ask this one more time.
Are you sure that's the best way to thaw a chicken? Well, when your microwave breaks, and you have 45 minutes to get dinner on the table, yes.
Hey, I have a lamb chop upstairs that could use highlights and a blow-out.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey! Hey, baby! - Gary! - Hm? What are you doing with my blow-dryer? Well, the microwave's out of commission because Clarky and Yoda decided to heat up a can of whipped cream in the name of science.
- It was awesome! - Stay in your room! And if that wasn't enough, the twins had a pooping contest.
I'll spare you the details.
Robbie won.
Well, can you stop that? My hair is gonna smell like a petting zoo.
I'm sorry, baby, I'm just scattered, doing a million things at once.
Yeah, okay, my bad.
I'll clean that off for you.
Gary! Are you all right? I--I'm okay! Robbie! I beat you! Life is how you live it ª ooooh, ooh wake where you want to be hey!y! âYou and me h, ooh, ooh 're happy ooh,h, ooh we neour friends lithe sun everybody siit why would walk when you can run™ª everybody sing it why would yoalk n you can run? Youuld have died, you know? I know.
What a wto go out.
Giving a chicken a make-over.
If you die, I'm going with you.
I can't raise four boys without you.
I'm not sure I can raise four boys with you.
Hey, hey, hey.
We both can't be dead.
Who will look after our kids? You know, we haven't updated our will since Yoda was born.
My parents are too old to handle four boys.
And my sister is single and snobby and would have them-- Talking like this.
"Perhaps you would enjoy some peanut-buttered toast.
" Hey, babe, you know what? My mom could take the kids.
You know, the boys adore her.
That woman is not raising my kids.
Why not? She raised me.
When you were seven, she would leave you in a parked car in an alley while she played bingo all night long.
Well, on the upside, I did learn how to make dinner for five using a cigarette lighter.
Come on.
This is serious.
We need to find someone.
- How about my brother Dale? - Dale? - He lives on a boat.
- He's a Captain! Yes.
When you're the only person on the boat, you're the Captain.
Okay, good job, Ernie.
Good job.
Okay, high-five! No? Come on, you can do it! High-five! Okay, come on.
Here's the cat.
Show him how it's done.
High-five! High-five.
Ernie, come on! First high-five.
Major milestone in the father-son relationship.
Oh, you know what? Next, I'll teach you how to get girls by putting out "the vibe.
" Oh! Skank top.
Bustin' out the arms.
- Who are you trying to impress? - Nobody.
I just have to wait for Sheila to come down and grab Ernie.
She's going back to work, and I'm gonna meet some new nanny that she hired.
Yup.
Yup, there it is.
Trying to impress the new nanny just in case she's hot.
Guys, please, okay? This woman's going to be taking care of my child.
I'm going to keep it strictly professional.
Hi.
Really? Hey, everyone, this is Andy.
He's Ernie's new childcare provider.
Nice to meet you all.
You picked a hot one, all right.
Figuring out who to leave your kids to is such a hard decision.
Oh, I know.
Thank God for my sister.
Because we can't ask Nick's mom.
She's a little nuts.
She's written three unauthorized Andre the giant biographies.
Get out of here.
- Baby, we're home.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey, Yoda.
Hey.
Did you catch the Syracuse game? I don't even want to talk about it.
Can somebody please help me paint these eyeballs? I just sat down, sweetheart.
I'll give you a billion dollars if you do it.
You owe me a billion dollars from last week's math homework.
- I got it.
I got it.
- All right.
See? They're the ones.
Look how great Nick and Emily are with our kids.
And we've been through everyone in our family.
Cousins too.
They're all weird.
And Nick and Emily live in the building, so the kids wouldn't have their lives uprooted.
You're right.
We should ask them now.
Hey, you know what? Our boys love you guys.
Aw, and we love them.
It's great for Violet to have someone her own age to play with.
I'm a pizza-saurus! I am eating your pizza! No way! And it's good for Nick, too.
Hey, Nick, come over here for a minute, man.
- We want to ask you something.
- Oh, well, it's no secret.
There's no diet and no exercise.
It's just what God gave me.
Hey, look.
The other day, I almost died.
Oh, right.
You were styling a chicken.
- You told her? - I ran home to tell her.
Yeah, I took the steps three at a time.
Be that as it may, you guys have become like family to us.
How would you feel about taking our kids if, God forbid, we both die? - Wow, that's-- - Of course we would! We would be honored! Hey, Nick, come on.
Join the hug party.
- Come on! - Aah! Okay.
Time to go put your pajamas on.
Let's see how fast you can get out of the room.
Almost there, okay.
And--are you crazy? How could you tell Gary and Marny that we would take their four kids? I'm sorry, I panicked.
They put us on the spot.
- Why didn't you stop me? - I couldn't.
Hugging.
There was so much hugging.
Maybe it's not a big deal.
I mean, what are the chances that's ever really gonna happen? I saw Gary electrocute himself with a chicken, and I was just stopping by.
I mean, that kind of stuff might happen every day.
You know what? In the off-chance that it does happen, we could handle six kids.
Emily, we already have our hands full with Violet and Freddie as it is.
And with them, we have man-to-man defense.
We cannot do man-to-man- to-man-to-man-to-man-to-man! What are we gonna do? If we tell them now that we don't want their kids, it'll be awkward and awful, and it might end our friendship.
We can't afford to lose them.
We're over 30, we don't have the energy to make new friends.
How are we gonna get out of this? Okay.
Okay.
If we can't say no to them, we just have to convince Gary and Marny to change their minds about us.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll tell them that we're moving out of the city and into the wilderness.
It'll be a little lonely at first, but the foxes and raccoons will be our friends.
And then when we get hungry, we'll just kill them and eat them.
No.
We are not gonna lie.
That is not a good plan.
Why is that so thought out? - Hi.
- Hey, Sheila.
I thought you were dropping off Ernie.
- Where is he? - California, 1848.
We made it, Ernie.
There's gold in these hills.
Stake your claim.
Andy likes to put playtime in a historical context.
Which I love.
I thought the smallpox was gonna get us.
But we made it through.
Now let's take a moment to remember those who weren't as lucky.
- Okay, come on, really? - What? Going with the hot nanny.
I expected better of you.
Okay, yes, he's pretty.
And has eyes like a three-year-old husky.
Okay.
But he is also getting his masters in child psychology.
And he and Ernie made the best cookies I have ever tasted.
Ernie and I were going to make cookies.
Oh, Chris, Andy doesn't make cookies.
He gives them life.
All right, partner, this is where I leave you.
Next time pack your bags, 'cause we're off to the 18th century to meet an Austrian prodigy named Mozart.
Oh, and we're not really going to Austria, so don't worry.
I would never take him anywhere without your permission.
High-five.
Yes.
- My high-five.
- Isn't Andy amazing? - The guy's the worst! - What? Oh, stop it.
Ernie loves him.
And, here, try one of his cookies.
Come on.
It's delicious! Okay, I want to get rid of Andy, but Sheila's gonna think I'm biased.
So I just need you guys to back me up on how terrible he is so he can go back to handsometown, musclechussets, or wherever he's from.
No problem.
You hate him, we hate him.
Believe me, Chris, I get it.
It is very hard to have somebody else watching over your children.
Especially if they're not a blood relative.
I mean, it almost shouldn't be allowed.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, you know, I just work 50 blocks that way, so I thought I'd come say hi to little Ernie here.
Hey, buddy.
- And you know Nick and Gary.
- Yeah, hey.
Oh, yeah, sorry, man.
Just a second.
Got this gas bubble I'm trying to burp up out of him.
Oh.
Have you done the football hold? Yup.
Have you done upside-down over the knee? I invented upside-down over the knee.
- This kid, he burps for no man.
- Mind if I give it a shot? Sure.
There you go.
Okay, come here.
Wow.
That was amazing.
What did you say to him? I said, e' tempo.
Which means, it's time.
My kid's bilingual.
He's a genius.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What-- what happened to Harris? Oh, he was looking a little ratty, so I stitched him up.
Ratty.
Not good for a cat.
Harris was mine.
I've had him since I was a little kid.
Every rip, tear, and stain represented a beautiful memory.
- Can you believe this guy? - I know.
Look at this stitch-work, it's incredible.
My daughter has a stuffed squid that she loves, it's kind of falling apart.
In fact, we have to carry it around in a ziploc bag.
It's like the bubble boy of stuffed animals.
I'd be happy to take a look at it.
Really? That would be great.
Great? Oh, yeah.
You know what else is great, Nick? Friendship, loyalty.
I couldn't agree more.
Thank you, Andy.
Oh, you know, I should get Ernie home for his nap.
That's when his brain converts experience into knowledge.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
Okay, okay, okay.
Bye.
Bye, Ernie.
- Mwah, there you go.
- Thanks, yeah.
- Bye, whoever you are now.
- See you, guys.
- Bye, Andy.
- What a great guy.
You know, Chris, your sense of what is and isn't terrible Is terrible.
Okay, that was Gary.
They're on their way up right now with the will documents for us to initial.
Okay, I got us into this, I will get us out.
- I will tell them the truth.
- No, no.
I will talk to them.
If you talk to them, Gary and Marny will get emotional.
Then you'll get emotional and then you'll chicken out and Gary and Marny will accidentally die making a grilled cheese with a curling iron, and we still wind up with six kids.
- Come in.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, sorry about the short notice, but we want to lock this will stuff down before the post office closes at five.
I got this.
Hey, guys, listen.
We need to have a little talk about being your "God forbids.
" - You guys are saints.
- We're all right.
Um, you know, I think we do need to come clean.
- We can't take your kids.
- What? But why? Is it us? - No.
- Is it the kids? What did they do? Why don't you like our kids? - What did they do to you? - They didn't do anything.
'Cause I will have them come up here right now and apologize! - They didn't do anything.
- Then what? What could it possibly be? Why don't you want our kids? - Don't you love them? - Yes! Yes, we love them.
We love them.
It's just--you know, the truth is that, um You know, the truth is that-- that Emily has a drinking problem.
What? - What? - Honey, they have to know.
And put that down, you're killing yourself! Is this for real? Why didn't you say anything? I didn't realize it was a problem until very recently.
And that's why we can't accept this responsibility.
Look, we understand.
We completely understand why you can't take the boys.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Well, we'll see you later at Chris's, and we can talk about this if you want to.
Oh, I think talking about it is just gonna make me angry.
What was that? Why couldn't you be the drunk? I didn't want them to think I'm a drunk.
Oh, poor Nick.
Carrying all that on his shoulders.
I--oh, no.
- What? - If Emily stops drinking, who am I gonna drink with? Yes, Marny, that's the real problem.
I'm just sayin'.
What? Okay, I figured out what I'm gonna do.
I tell people I'm going to AA.
Then after a while I say I have it under control, and I slowly start drinking again in front of other people.
It's exactly what my Uncle did.
Yeah, that's the attitude.
Cheers.
Oh.
Hi, just dropping off Ernie.
Hey, Violet.
Look who it is.
Inky! She's all better.
They don't call me the squid doctor for nothing.
Nobody calls you that.
Andy, can you stay for dinner, please? Maybe for a little while, if that's okay.
Super! Marny, there's Andy.
The Andy.
Oh, my God.
He's as handsome as you said he was.
Wow.
I never said that.
All right, kids, gather around.
I'm going to sing you a song that my Italian grandmother used to sing to me when I was a child.
Through the bars of her prison cell.
Not an angel, but had the voice of one.
Fa la ninna fa la nanna fa la ninnª Okay, if anybos go sing a hauntingbeauul lullaby in mome, it's gonna be me.
Nella braccia della mamma Ahem! Okay, Andy! Thank you.
Thank you.
opposed to stealing songs fryour criminal grandmother, I'm going to perform a little original tune - that I wrote for Ernie.
- Oh.
Hey, Ernie, Ernie You're my baby, Ernie, Ernie call you, maybeª hey, Ernie, Ernie you're my baby whoa! Whoa! Whoa! He is not your baby! And nobody asked you to harmonize, okay? Nobody asked you to come into our lives.
I asked him.
In fact, I'm paying him to be in our lives.
- What is your problem? - No, it's okay.
It's time for me to go anyway.
I didn't mean to step on your toes, Chris.
Goodnight, bambino.
- Bye, Andy.
- We love you.
Yeah.
Chris what was that? Italian, uh Bambino means something in Italian.
I'm going to go give Ernie his bottle in his room.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Okay.
Oh, wine.
Yes, please.
- Drink with me.
- Oh, no, thanks.
- Oh, don't be that person.
- I'm good.
I'm just going to stick with water.
Oh.
I thought you looked pregnant.
Right there.
- I am not pregnant.
- Okay, yeah.
Waiting to announce.
I get it.
Comfy pants.
Oh, no.
Look at that.
- Sheila! - Hm? - Come on over here.
- What? What's it like being back at work? Oh, you know, well, on an intellectual level, my returnlike to McCarthy, Budin-- Shut up.
That was a fake question.
- What? - You can't give Emily wine.
She has a drinking problem.
And she's pregnant? - She is? - Oh, well she just told me.
But she doesn't want other people to know.
Emily! -You're pregnant? - You're pregnant? - I am not pregnant.
- You're not? You lied to me? It's not her, it's the drinking problem.
I am not pregnant and I don't have a drinking problem.
Oh, pills? It is not pills! Okay.
Look, Nick only told you guys I have a drinking problem because he didn't know how to tell you that we don't want to take your kids.
It's just too much for us.
I am so, so, so sorry.
I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.
It's okay, Emily.
We knew it was a lot to ask.
That's why we were trying to force you into it.
Look, it's just that we look at you guys like family.
We honestly chose you because you're the best parents we know.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Oh, my God.
We are so flattered.
You guys are such dear friends.
I feel awful.
Of course we'll take your beautiful boys! - Really? Ohh! - Ohh! Thank you.
Hugging.
More hugging.
So what is your problem with Andy? Guy can't harmonize.
I know.
I just--I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that you've invited this other man into Ernie's life.
Why can't you just have a ridiculously hot female nanny, like a normal person? Look.
Whether it's Andy, or my boyfriend, or my next husband, there are going to be other men in Ernie's life.
But none of them can replace you, you dummy.
You're Ernie's dad.
He only gets one of those.
And he got pretty lucky with the one he got.
Thanks.
And I know I owe Andy an apology.
Yeah.
I suppose I can do it tomorrow while he's giving Nick and Gary their tennis lesson.
You'll realize that having Andy is the best thing that ever happened to us.
Do you know how hard it is to find someone you feel truly comfortable leaving your kid with? Look at Gary and Marny.
They're leaving their kids with Nick and Emily.
She's a drunk.
Emily's not a drunk.
Were you even listening out there? Oh, never trust a drunk, Chris.
Never trust a drunk.