Hart to Hart (1979) s01e14 Episode Script

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs.
H.
She's gorgeous.
What a terrific lady! By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of them, which ain't easy 'cause their hobby is murder.
Shut up.
Watch TV.
Good evening.
Allow me to introduce myself.
The glorious feeling of being really dead.
Max.
Nerves of steel.
We're going out.
Will the two of you be all right alone? Sure, we'll be fine.
Just don't forget to lock the top lock when you go out.
Max, is that blood on your collar? That's all right.
Tomorrow's laundry day.
- See you later, Max.
- Don't forget to put the bat out.
- Bat? - No, thank you.
I don't drink wine.
That was Carlisle Road.
It must be on up ahead here.
I have to tell you, your friend, Fred, is slightly weird.
And I have to tell you, I met him through your slightly weird friend Amanda.
They do make a perfectly weird couple, don't they? I mean, would you go out of your way to buy a haunted house? - It wouldn't be so bad.
- What do you mean? We could spend the rest of our lives under a sheet.
How do you like it so far? Sort of early Charles Addams, wouldn't you say? Are Fred and Amanda really gonna live here? Are you kidding? They've already done a spread on this place _or Better Homes and Gargoyles.
Don't bother waiting for the parking attendant.
I think I saw his body back there in the bushes.
Darling, if Bela Lugosi answers the door, let's just leave.
Good evening.
Good evening.
May I take your coat, madam? No, thank you.
I think I'll keep it.
We may leave in a hurry.
Unique.
Even though the maid didn't show up.
There you are, my darlings.
Amanda.
I was beginning to think that this was going to turn into a search party.
- I'm sorry we're late.
- Yes, we took a few bad turns.
Well, what do you think of it? Unique.
I'd give you a grand tour but Fred likes everyone to experience this place on their own.
How interesting.
Fred should definitely change his laundry.
Too much starch.
- Where is Fred? - Poor Fred.
He was so looking forward to this evening when suddenly he had this wretched presentation for tomorrow.
He said he'd be along just as soon he can.
- Sir.
- Michael.
- Champagne.
- Thank you, Michael.
The real reason Fred isn't here is he can't crawl out of his coffin until after sundown.
I have news for you, darling.
The sun's been down a long time.
Probably having trouble with the latch.
I'd like to introduce you to this charming couple, the Harts.
Jennifer and Jonathan, this is Michael Shillingford.
- How do you do? - How do you do? Hello.
Michael is a spinner of Gothic tales.
Please, Amanda.
He's written over 60 thrillers.
You must have read some of them.
Please, Amanda.
I haven't read any of them.
You haven't read any of my books? - I don't think I have.
- I don't think so.
Sorry.
Well, I never read any of that junk myself.
I can't help thinking we've met before.
I was thinking the same thing.
Probably in one of the local haunts.
The athletic club, perhaps.
Well, actually, I do most of my working out at home.
He's in excellent shape.
Fred must have slammed his lid.
- Simon.
- Madam.
- Is there anyone upstairs? - Not that I know of, madam.
Well, it's an old house.
One has to get used to its sounds.
I guess I'm the culprit.
I'm Gladys Leary.
I'm the broker who found this house for Fred and Amanda.
And this is Reverend Tyson.
Jennifer and Jonathan Hart.
- How do you do, Reverend? - Good evening.
This place would make a terrific tax loss.
Michael, you have no sense of romance.
Amanda, you can't send romance to the government.
I must admit, Amanda, this place is not my idea of heaven.
But what do any of us really know about heaven? More importantly, what do we know about hell? Not much, but I'm sure that somebody will give us a hint soon.
See what I mean? Oh, dear.
Amanda, who lived in this house before you bought it? A man called Greeley.
He died in the master bedroom.
- Naturally.
- Maybe unnaturally.
Was there anything unusual about his death? No, sir.
I was with him for 30 years, right up until the end.
He died quite peacefully.
But I suspect there were certain unresolved circumstances.
Such as? I don't think it would be discreet to talk about them.
Did Fred forget to pay the light bill? Lorna, I didn't think you were going to make it.
An inner voice kept warning me of danger, but I chose to attend in spite of it.
I know what you mean, Doctor.
I sensed the same thing when I was here before.
Dr.
Lorna Phelps, I'd like you to meet the Harts.
I think you know everyone else.
It was you that I saw in my vision.
Danger to you.
Well, I wish you would have called me, and told me before I came.
Well, Amanda, you wanted a haunted house.
Obviously, I didn't believe all those stories.
Don't be upset.
Ghosts are not normally known to hurt the living.
Simon says, "Take many giant steps to the front door "and one long car ride back to town.
" - I'm with you.
- Really.
This is the kind of nonsense I put in my books to scare the wits out of silly old ladies on cold winter nights.
To take it seriously I hope you're not cooking dinner on an electric stove.
My God, man! You look like you've seen a ghost.
In the dark, something touched me.
Passed over my face like a web, a gossamer-like thing.
It was cold, unearthly.
Was it like this? Yes, it was exactly like Dinner is served.
Having a good time? No.
Well, we have to at least wait until Fred gets here.
You've got that look in your eye.
What look? That "Oh, boy, am I ever intrigued by this _mityyille Horror show" look.
Darling you have to admit, aren't you just the least bit curious? - No.
- No? Simon, you're such a gem.
We wouldn't have thought of being able to buy the house unless you came with it.
Simon is not only serving this dinner, he cooked it as well.
And he's made a devil's food cake for dessert, Reverend.
Delicious.
Careful, Reverend, you might have to sell your soul for a bite.
- May I serve you, madam? - Yes, Simon.
Hope I'm not late for dessert.
I got into this thing on the way over here, and I just could not get out.
It must be a pain in the neck.
Jonathan, how are you? Would you mind helping me unbutton my collar, old boy? - Fred, you're a scream.
- Yeah.
Tell me Fred, have you ever thought about playing John the Baptist? How are you, Reverend? How did you manage those effects in the parlour? Effects? What effects, Michael? Now don't look so innocent.
The noise, the window, the lights.
Well, if I explained the trick, Gladys, then it wouldn't be magic.
Now, this should be the most fun you two have ever had with your clothes on.
Should be.
Well, if you think this is fun, wait till you see what happens next.
We're going on a treasure hunt.
- A treasure hunt? - That's what I said.
Sorry, Fred, I've forgotten my shovel.
Boy, you sure could use it now.
We are going to search for the hidden Greeley treasure.
What about dinner? Well, you can have dinner after we've found the treasure.
That should serve to stimulate your appetite Reverend.
Seems when old man Greeley was young man Greeley, he had a bride-to-be.
Bought her a veritable fortune in jewels: diamonds, emeralds, rubies.
The amount was enough to stagger the imagination.
If you really believe all this, why are you sharing it with us? I'm a sport.
Besides, we're having the house completely redecorated and why shouldn't one of you find the treasure instead of the plasterer or the plumber? And I know if you're lucky, you'll want to donate everything to my favorite charity: Me.
I wouldn't be too sure of that, Amanda.
Well, Jonathan's partner will help him decide that.
- But that won't be Jennifer.
- Why? In order to keep us all honest, none of us may search with the person we came with.
Now, while we select our partners, let's all have a drink.
Good idea.
Why don't we just leave? - Party pooper? - Damn right.
Oh, thank you.
Can anyone suggest an appropriate toast for the occasion? Begging your pardon, sir but Master had one quotation that he was particularly fond of.
- Perhaps it might do.
- Excellent.
"The evil that men do lives after them.
"The good is oft interred with their bones.
" What a lovely thought.
Let the hunt begin! Wait.
- What is it? - Something is emanating from this room.
Besides the draught? Heavy vibrations, Doctor? Hello, Doctor? Well, there's no sense in both of us sitting around here and vibrating together.
I'll just mosey along.
We have to find the master bedroom.
You think that's where he put it? Well, I think he'd want it close to him, as if he were next to the woman he loved.
You know what I mean, Reverend? Hardly, Mrs.
Hart.
I think you're being completely subjective.
But let's give it a try.
Good.
No.
Don't tell me you've lost your taste for the hunt, Michael.
I'm only good when I can smell blood.
You don't believe in the Greeley treasure.
Come on, Amanda, admit it.
We're all simply being victimized by your husband's perverse sense of humour.
- According to the legends, old Greeley had - Legends? Old wives' tales, you mean.
- Excuse us.
- Be my guest.
- No rest for the wicked, Reverend Tyson.
- Calm down, Amanda.
Something about buried treasure turns everybody into children.
Maybe we should ask this old buzzard.
He looks like he could tell us a thing or two about the Greeley legend.
Amanda? I'm sorry, I was kidding.
Can't somebody else make a joke around here? Hi.
Welcome to the dungeon.
- You're feeling no pain? - That's right.
I came down here looking for the treasure and look what I found.
- You're in the right spot.
- That's right.
Would you like to help me? I don't care, we can drink out of the same bottle.
You're very communicative.
Shine that light over here.
She looks ill.
She always looks that way.
Bless you.
Here, you hold this.
No.
Let's see.
It's a lump.
I knew it, I was right! What we need is a knife.
I'm sorry I can't help you, Mrs.
Hart.
Well, you said you wanted a knife.
Thank you.
Oh, my! - Master Greeley was a junkie.
- A junkie? A millionaire, octogenarian junkie.
What a great idea for a character.
Bye.
It's really so hopeless.
I mean, this house is so vast.
It'll take months, maybe years, to go through it.
It is discouraging.
But we must know that so many before us have been looking.
Why must we know? Well, I just assumed.
It's sort of like an Easter egg hunt at Halloween.
Precisely.
Reverend don't look now but there's a rather vicious looking tiger behind you with a sparkle in his eye.
Well, now that's what I call an eye-popper.
Forgive me, Mrs.
Hart.
You mean, we're not gonna share the door prize? Isn't it a shame? It's nothing personal.
You're a lovely lady and a diamond that size becomes you.
But I've been looking so much longer.
- So that's how you must know.
- Precisely.
But if we were able to ask Mr.
Greeley I'm sure he would prefer that I have it.
You're sure the bishop won't be jealous if you have a ring that's bigger than his? Step this way, Mrs.
Hart.
To the closet, please.
- Must I? - You must, yes.
I do apologise, Mrs.
Hart, but I must make some effort at getting away.
And to think I could have stayed home with Dracula.
- Where's Jennifer? - Master bedroom.
By the time they find you, I should be gone.
If they find you.
Jennifer? Where are you? Jennifer? - Darling? - I'm in here with Amanda.
- Where is in here? - Behind the wall.
What are you doing in there? Push up on the coat hook and you'll find out.
Darling, what is going on? The Reverend got away with a diamond as big as the Ritz.
No, wait! What are we gonna do now? - What is this? - It's some sort of secret passage.
- Where does it lead to? - Hopefully, to a way out.
Hopefully.
- Anybody seen the Reverend? - I believe he went out to his car, sir.
Be careful, darling.
He's got a gun.
I'd like to talk to you, Reverend.
I'm not armed.
I think you're making a mistake.
What do you say, Reverend? - What happened? - Somebody stabbed the Reverend.
Why don't you go back inside the house and wait? Is he really dead, Jonathan? He qualifies for a burial certificate, if that's what you mean.
- How ghastly.
- You better call the sheriff, Fred.
Yeah.
Darling, what were you saying about a diamond? Well, we found this enormous diamond.
I was just about to count the carats when the Reverend decided that Mr.
Greeley owed him something.
Well, apparently somebody disagreed.
Leaving without saying goodbye? - We're going for the police.
- In our car? Someone seems to have relieved me of the keys to mine, and yours won't start.
Pull the hood latch, will you? I'd like to check the water and oil.
Sloppy, but effective.
Sloppier, but even more effective.
We didn't do that.
We just want to get out of here, that's all.
Somebody in this place is a murderer.
Surely, as a crime writer you realise it's against the law to leave the scene of one? And it's even more against the law if you got something to do with it.
- Are you accusing me? - No, I'm not accusing you.
It's just that I'm not too crazy about your behaviour, not to mention your attitude.
Let's go back in the house and have a drink.
Well, there's a phone upstairs.
Can't get a dial tone.
- Fred, did you pay the bill? - Of course I did, when I paid the light bill.
It was working earlier.
Jonathan, the phones are all out.
- Where's the main box? - In the kitchen, sir.
Okay, everybody, it's gonna be a long night.
- The phones are out and the cars are dead.
- Not to mention Reverend Tyson.
Someone's taken this little party game too seriously.
Hide-and-seek is over with.
I want everybody in that room and sit down.
Now, wait a minute, who put you in charge? My wife.
She doesn't trust the rest of you.
Well, Jonathan's right.
A man is dead.
It's no longer fun and games.
Dr.
Phelps is missing.
I'll try to fix the phone.
We'll take a look around.
- Simon, where's the kitchen? - This way, sir.
If this doesn't work, Simon, we may have to go outside.
- How are you at climbing poles? - Like a veritable squirrel, sir.
The sweet humming in my ear.
That should keep you hearing things for quite some time, sir.
Amanda, I don't really appreciate being interrogated by you! I just wondered where you disappeared to most of the night.
- And what about you? - I was lost in a secret passage.
- And what about you? - I had a couple of drinks.
Why don't you ask where your friend Michael was? I saw him prowling around all on his own.
Only because your wife ran off and left me.
Well, she sometimes does the same thing to me.
Well! Ladies and gentlemen.
Where's Mr.
Hart? I'm afraid I must ask you all to shut up.
- What have you done to my husband? - He's become the dumb waiter.
You're a smart guy.
I'm going to have to ask you all to empty out your pockets and your handbags.
And don't try anything.
I know the gun is loaded.
The way I see it, someone in this room has something we all want.
Something they killed the Reverend for, something I might have to kill for.
You mean, you didn't kill the Reverend? If I'd done that, I wouldn't still be looking for you-know-what, Mrs.
Hart.
It would be interesting to find out who got the you-know-what.
Yes, won't it, Mrs.
Hart? When we know that, we'll know who did kill the Reverend.
Hi.
It's a little cramped, but it gets great mileage.
Nothing from the ladies? Now, how about the gentlemen? I know that trick.
Looking over my shoulder as though there were somebody behind me.
- Are you all right? - Outside of a slight dial tone in my right ear.
By the way, the phone works.
I'll get the police out on this man.
He says he didn't kill the Reverend.
I didn't expect him to take an ad out in Variety.
She's right.
He was searching us for the diamond.
Variety.
That's it.
Mr.
Hart, were you ever on the stage? Only the one from Dodge City.
- Darling, look at the ice.
- What about it? Look.
Yeah, it's melting.
It must have been in the bucket.
Isn't it beautiful? It's amazing it didn't break.
Break? It's glass.
A fake? You're sure? - Positive.
- It's true.
It only cost $87 at the dime store.
We never really believed all that nonsense about the Greeley treasure so we thought we'd lead you on a little bit.
I put the stuff everywhere, so everybody would have a chance to find something.
Well, I did.
I found mine.
I don't care about the rest of you, I'm keeping it as a souvenir.
I suppose that brooch that Dr.
Phelps has on is a phony as well.
Yes, I put the stuff everywhere.
I'm sorry, I thought we'd all be laughing at it by now.
There's nothing very funny about one of us being a murderer.
I understand perfectly, sir.
It was always amusing when the Master and I played.
Played? You and the Master? Yes, madam.
The old gentleman Mr.
Greeley always had the best hiding places.
I could never find the chest when he hid it.
- The chest? - Yes.
What was in the chest, Simon? Just what Mr.
Fred was saying before.
It was all those beautiful things the Master had gotten for his bride.
All those beautiful jewels? Do you know where the chest is hidden, Simon? No, madam.
He hid it just before he died and I was never able to find it, no matter how hard I searched.
And no one knows this house better than you.
I don't believe so, sir.
None of us would have a chance to find it then.
I was afraid one of you might stumble on it.
Particularly you, Mr.
Hart.
I've heard how good you are at mysteries.
That's why I hit you over the head, to discourage you.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Damn it! Then there really is a treasure and nobody can find it.
Maybe one of us will.
I have an idea.
- Would anyone care to join me? - Yes.
Now, not all at once, one at a time.
We can all go single file.
No smoking, no pushing, please.
Madam, ladies, would you like to get your coats? Simon, do you know where there's a shovel? The potting shed, Mr.
Hart.
- Happy hunting, sir.
- You're fired.
I think I just got rid of my hiccups.
"Winthrope Greeley.
" Rest in peace.
You mean, he buried it with him.
His favorite quote: "The good is oft interred with their bones.
" Maybe he'd made a deal with the mortician.
Well, let's start digging.
You first, Fred.
That's it.
Pay dirt.
The family plot thickens.
Jonathan.
If you please.
Are you hurrying off to get that stuff insured? I'm truly sorry about the Reverend.
He just wouldn't part with that silly stone.
He probably would have died anyway when he found out it was fake.
Just how do you intend to get out of here? Call the Auto Club? No doubt you would have left earlier if that car manoeuvre had been your handiwork.
That bit of clumsiness was courtesy of Simon.
Fortunately, I'm an auto mechanic.
My only regret, Mr.
Hart, is that you don't recall our previous encounter.
- So it finally came to you? - Yes.
- And when did it occur to you? - Just now, when I saw you pull that gun.
The firing range.
Sunset Country Club.
'72_73.
You took the final rounds.
I'm impressed with your memory.
Although frankly in '73, I don't think you should have allowed that controversial judge to have that decision on the final round.
Why not? Because if you were a gentleman and a sport we could have shot it out.
And we could have decided the final point by a totally clean hit.
So, now we get a chance to find out who is really the best.
I don't like being second best.
What do you propose, a duel? Glove across the face? Twenty paces, turn and fire? - I doubt if you'd turn your back on me.
- You are so right.
You'll see that it is properly taken care of, sir.
- You know, you were really gallant.
- You think so? I guess I was, wasn't I? Who is it? I'm coming.
All right all ready.
- Who's there? - It's us, Max.
Open up.
What have you got the door locked for, anyway? And what are you doing up so late? - I must have dozed off.
- How was the late show? Not so scary after all.
How was the party? Well, we'll wait and tell you about that in the morning, Max.
- Should I wake you up in the morning? - No, it's a holiday.
Let's all sleep in.
Yeah, we might stay in bed all day.
Right.
What, did something happen at this party you'd rather not tell me about? No, Max.
We just want you to get a good night's sleep.
And don't forget to look under the bed, Max.
All right, good night.
What?