Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e14 Episode Script
Oil for the Lamps of Hogan
CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) Honor guard, Achtung! Who could that be? Somebody important, maybe? General Burkhalter, welcome to Stalag l3.
Colonel Klink, this is Herr Fritz Bowman, I.
G.
Bowman Industries.
Herr Bowman, my pleasure, sir.
He's got a beautiful fur collar.
And I've got a sudden attack of curiosity.
LeBeau, take listening post number three.
See what you can find out about that kraut.
Right, Colonel.
Uh, be careful.
The collar may still be alive.
All right, Newkirk, get the lead out.
You're dogging it, boy.
Oh, look at that, Carter.
We got a new boss, we have.
Yeah? Well, Kinch is right.
You're goofing off.
When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, Yank.
Get your hands off him.
Stop it.
I'll report you to the Sergeant.
( all talking at once ) ( all talking at once ) Oh, oh, ex Hey, excuse me.
I lost me head.
I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't have done that for the world.
( Schultz speaking German ) ( speaking German ) Fighting when there is a war on? This is not nice.
I'm sorry, Schultz.
It was my fault.
I-I No, it really was my fault.
No it wasn't.
It was my fault.
No, I did it.
It was my fault.
( all talking ) Quiet! Look at Schultz.
He can count up to three.
He's brilliant.
Night school paying off, huh, Schultz? Night school paying off.
Ha.
Jolly jokers.
Raus Right face.
And forward march.
Uh, one, two, three, four.
Uh, one, uh, two, uh, three, uh, four.
Have to be tough with them, otherwise they do not respect you.
Yes, sir.
( shouts in German ) Dismissed.
Fraulein Helga, we do not wish to be disturbed.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Nice to see you again, my dear.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, may I offer some refreshment? Now let us get down to business.
Of course.
Refreshments can wait.
First, our mission is top secret.
We must have absolute security.
Herr General, you can depend on that.
The security at Stalag 13 is absolutely airtight.
BOWMAN: That's most reassuring.
Thank you, Herr Bowman.
We are on our toes here at Stalag l3.
General Burkhalter will tell you that Here is the problem.
He'll tell you later.
Our industrial plants have been taking a terrible beating from allied bombing attacks.
The Fuhrer is very concerned.
So he turned the problem over to me.
I have developed an idea.
Brilliant.
I haven't told you what it is yet.
I.
G.
Bowman Industries was going to build a new synthetic fuel plant at Velthuysen.
It almost certainly will be bombed.
I think that's a fair assumption.
Yes, that's a fair assump tion.
But there is one place the Allies will not bomb.
A prisoner of war camp.
So why not put the plant right here? Leave the buildings as they are and build a new Stalag 13.
KLINK: With all due respect, Herr General, I cannot believe that would fool the allied bombers.
Colonel, I said it was my idea.
They'll never find it, sir.
As soon as Stalag 13 is ready, we will move your prisoners to any of the other Luft Stalags temporarily.
Yes, sir.
So, how soon will you be ready with your command? I can have that information for you as soon as possible, Herr General.
Fine.
Herr Bowman and I will be here for a few days, look over the grounds and discuss plans.
Of course, sir.
May I show you to my quarters personally? Oh, you will like it here at Stalag 13, Herr Bowman.
Friendly, just the right touch of hostility that has made us famous.
You know, when I took over command BURKHALTER: Klink.
Coming, Herr General.
Quick, a glass of wine.
I'm fainting.
Snap out of it, Louis.
Make it burgundy.
'33 was a good year.
You know what? I bet he's got claustrophobia.
Now you tell me? Moving us? You're sure about it? Oui, mon Colonel.
As soon as possible, they said.
It means we're finished.
And out of business, kaput.
Well, we can't move.
The guys just started digging another tunnel.
Another one? Well, this one goes on top of the others.
We needed an overpass.
Well, tell them to forget it.
If we don't come up with something, everything goes-- tunnels, radio, contacts in town.
Even LeBeau's mushrooms under the Rec Hall.
Never.
I'll kill first.
NEWKIRK: I suppose when we get to the new Stalag, we might get organized again.
Well, I could carry a few radio parts along.
How do you carry a tunnel? Uh, c'est fini.
It's terrible.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it.
You guys throw in the towel awful fast.
There must be a way to keep them from building that refinery here.
How? I don't know.
We'll stall for time and come up with something.
Kinch, get a message off to London, tell them what's happening.
We may need some help Colonel Hogan? Shh! Shh.
( whispering ): Colonel Klink wants to see you in his office, right away.
Fine, Schultz.
Why am I whispering? You really want to know? I don't want to know nothing What does Klink want? I don't know, but this may be our chance to buy some time.
Carter, get me the picture of Klink off the wall of the delousing station.
CARTER: Okay.
I'm going to try to reach our Kommandant through his heart, if I can find it.
You sent for me, Colonel? KLINK: Yes, Hogan.
Sit down, sit down.
All right.
I have some important news for you.
The entire personnel of Stalag 13, prisoners and guards Are about to be moved? That's it.
How did you know? Just an educated guess.
That kraut, or German that came in this morning, uh, looked like a real estate dealer.
Does the General know you're selling the camp? Insolence.
We are being moved to another Luft Stalag temporarily while a new and modern Stalag 13 is being built.
I can hardly wait.
Hogan, I warn you, any attempt at escape during this transfer will be severely punished.
You don't have to worry on that score, sir.
Good.
We'll try.
Now, you've been warned.
I expect you and your men to be ready for this move within three days.
Impossible.
That word does not exist in my vocabulary.
Oh, come on, moving isn't easy.
There's a lot to be done-- packing, writing letters, having the phone turned off.
I am not interested in your problems.
Three days, ready or not.
Dismissed.
Uh, sir, I have a request.
Would you autograph this picture for the boys? Me autograph a picture for them? Oh, nothing elaborate.
Just a greeting, maybe, uh, "Good luck to the gang from the Iron Colonel.
" The Iron Colonel? The Iron Colonel.
I must say I'm rather surprised.
Well, we've had our differences, but heck, there have been a lot of tunnels going under the wire since we've been at Stalag 13.
And besides, it's something to remember you by.
Sometimes you find sentiment in the strangest places.
You can say that again.
Wait.
Something to remember me by? I'm not going anywhere.
Am I? Sure you are.
Back into combat, you lucky dog.
Combat? This move is General Burkhalter's idea.
He is a General of the Third Reich, the Fuhrer's right hand man.
Are you suggesting that he is a liar? How do you think he got to be the Fuhrer's right hand man? No.
It can't be.
Did he tell you anything about the new Stalag 13, or anything about the transit camp, or anything really important? Now that you mention it, no.
Why is he doing this? Oh, it's a quiet way to disperse the POWs to other camps.
I've seen it done before.
Yeah, but it won't be so bad for you.
It won't? Oh, you're going to be flying again.
The German Eagle back up in the wild blue yonder, screaming down to drop your eggs in the snow.
Snow? Well, I mean, let's face it.
Moscow isn't exactly the French Riviera.
But I am not qualified to fly these new planes.
Ah, you'll pick it up easy enough, and if you don't, they'll pick you up.
( laughs ) Sorry, that's bad taste.
Break up Stalag 13? I don't believe it.
HELGA: Herr Kommandant, the General's here to see you, sir.
At ease, gentlemen.
You have told Hogan the news? We were just discussing it, sir.
Never mind the discussion.
I want action.
How soon will you be ready? Oh, we were just trying to determine that, sir.
I'd like more information about this new Stalag 13.
You will find out soon enough.
I want to know which Luft Stalag we're going to be sent to temporarily.
That has not been determined.
Will my men be protected from the civilian population during the move? Security is none of your affair.
What is this? I walk in here, and the prisoner of war begins to question me? No offense, Herr General.
I want the estimate of your moving time as quickly as possible, or there will be an offense against you.
( door closing ) You believe it now? Ducked every question.
When I pressed him, he pulled rank.
Yes, yes.
What is to be done? Well, if I were you, I'd stall as much as you can.
Burkhalter may change his mind, or it could be changed for him.
You don't know him.
He is a mountain.
That's true.
He ought to cut down on starches.
The German Eagle, dropping my eggs in the snow.
It's-It's terrible.
Well, that's the way the big war bounces.
HOGAN: Hi, Schultz.
Hi, Colonel.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! What are you doing in there? Just putting back an empty oil drum, Schultz.
You know what they say: a neat Stalag's a happy Stalag.
No one is allowed in there without the orders of the commandant.
You don't understand, Schultz.
We're putting back, not taking out.
Do you want me to be in trouble? Heaven forbid.
Well, then take it out.
All right, Newkirk, Kinch, bring it back out.
Here we go.
That's better.
Please, Colonel Hogan, do not go in here again.
Of course not-- uh, uh, by the way, Schultz, I won't say anything if you don't.
I saw nothing.
Nothing.
Hey, Schultz! ( shrieks ) Guten abend, Schultz.
What gives? What are you trying to do? We're escaping, buddy.
We dug our way out.
We're taking a scarper.
Back into the before someone catches you.
Come on, Schultz, sound the alarm.
You're all going to get us into trouble.
You've caught us.
Take us to your leader.
Please don't tell me my business.
ALL: Kommandant! Kommandant! Kommandant! ( alarm ringing ) Sound the alarm! So, you tried to dig your way out, and you came up under the water tower.
Boy, did we ever make a wrong turn.
It's a wildcat operation, sir.
The Escape Committee knew nothing about it.
I am not interested in your Escape Committee.
How do you know-- you've never been to any meetings.
( chuckles ) You think it's funny, huh? Well, you have plenty of chances to laugh in the cooler! Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sentence to begin the moment General Burkhalter leaves Stalag 13.
Schultz didn't do anything.
Not him, them.
It will be done, Herr Kommandant.
Now, get them out of my sight.
Prisoners, left face.
Wait, wait, wait, wait What is that dirt on your faces? Nothing, Colonel.
Just a little shoe polish.
We didn't want to shine in the moonlight.
Yeah, you know, like the commandos in the movies.
There is no moon tonight.
Nobody ever tells us anything.
Schultz, get 'em out of here.
Just a minute, Hogan.
Raise your hand.
( sniffs ) That is oil.
Sure, there's lots of it down there.
Carter.
Sorry, Colonel.
Idiot.
Him and his ruddy big mouth.
Go on, tell me more.
Might as well.
You blew it anyway.
There's so much oil down there that you can't even dig a decent tunnel.
That's why we got caught tonight.
It was either that or drown in that stuff.
Why, the other day, we were down there, and there was so much oil Carter.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I shall give the matter some further thought.
Schultz, take them away.
Hogan, you will remain.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Forverts, march.
A one, a two, a three, a four, a one, a two, a three, a four It's probably just a broken pipeline that runs under the camp.
Hogan, do you want me to go out there and start digging myself? Okay, you know most of it anyway.
Tell me, Hogan, is this really oil? Not just oil, Commandant, black gold.
Stalag 13 is located right over a sea of high-grade pure crude money.
( whimpers ) When did you discover this? Well remember about, uh, six months ago, there was an American lieutenant, an engineer who was captured and brought here? He found it? Yeah, just before he was transferred to Stalag 9.
Besides being an engineer, he was also a geologist.
Confirmed by an expert? You bet he is.
You have been sitting on this for six months? Like a mother hen.
You see, I figured that after the war, prisoner camps would be selling for about, oh, ten cents apiece.
I'd come back and buy Stalag 13, sink a few wells and Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes? There'd be dancing in the streets.
Just call me Diamond Jim Hogan.
You are a greedy, selfish person.
I do my best.
You'd keep it all to yourself? There's enough oil down there to make ten millionaires.
There is? ( clears throat ) Let us, uh, build on that thought for a moment.
What do you got in mind, Commandant? After the war, a sign on the gate, and instead of Stalag 13, it reads, "The Klink and Hogan Oil Company.
" So, your name comes first, Wilhelm? Wilhelm? Aren't we being a little familiar, Hogan? I think partners should be.
Oh, you don't know what this means to me.
After the war, I won't just have a 500-year-old aristocratic name, but for the first time, some money to go with it.
I will be impossible.
You're doing all right now.
Look, I hate to shoot you down right over the target, but we have a problem.
What? They go ahead and build on this site, they're bound to find out about the oil, and we're dead.
What can we do? We should change the name on the front gate to read, "The Burkhalter, Klink, Hogan Oil Company.
" Who needs Burkhalter? We do.
He's got the power to leave Stalag 13 and our oil just the way it is.
Give him a piece of the pie? Or there won't be any.
I've got to get some sleep.
Good night, Colonel.
Good night, Lucky.
Oil field? An oil field, you say? I saw it myself.
Herr General, as we are talking here, there is a sea of oil beneath us bubbling, bubbling, trying to come to the surface and turn into money.
Klink, you're making a spectacle of yourself.
Forgive me, Herr General.
It's the excitement of the money.
I mean, the moment.
The question is whether to drill for it now or later, much later.
You mean, like, after the war? Uh, that kind of later? The war effort of the Third Reich is being geared to the use of synthetic fuel.
An important oil discovery right now could easily upset the entire economy.
That is brilliant, Herr General, absolutely brilliant.
I had a feeling you'd agree.
But what about Herr Bowman and the new plans? I'll have a talk with him tomorrow.
I don't think he's going to be too hard to handle.
Oh, not for you, Herr General.
The three of us are going to make a winning combination.
The three of us? Oh, yes.
The "Burkhalter, Klink, Hogan Oil Company.
" Hogan? Who needs Hogan? Well, he's the one who Go to bed, Klink, before you give away any more shares of my company.
I'm sorry I cannot agree with you, General.
It is an ideal location for the plant.
The railroad is three miles away.
BOWMAN: Simple enough to have some track laid.
There is no airport.
So we can build one in a week.
I want to remind you, Herr Bowman, that I represent the Fuhrer in this project, and if I make a decision, it is final.
Of course that is truly patriotic and for the good of Germany.
General, I respect your position and your frankness, and I have a suggestion that can easily resolve our differences.
Yes? We will each submit our proposal to the Fuhrer and let him decide.
I may have been a bit hasty.
Perhaps if we look over the grounds once more.
I'll try to keep an open mind.
Of course, General.
There is something I would like Herr Bowman to see that would certainly show him Fraulein Helga.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Will you please tell Schultz to get Hogan over here right away? Bowman is holding out.
He wants the plant built here.
Well, that's it, then.
We've had it.
Yeah, we're through.
And it looks like we're out of the escape business.
Now, there's one more thing we can do.
Kinch, take this message, get it off to London.
Right.
Shoot.
Colonel Hogan, Stalag Request fake bombing mission tomorrow 1500 hours.
Repeat, no bombs.
Require leaflets.
Carter.
Yes, sir.
Tonight, you and Newkirk plant some dynamite charges in the compound.
Wire 'em up so we can set 'em off when we're ready.
All right, Colonel.
Okay.
Uh, Colonel, what do you want Headquarters to print on these leaflets? Let me see, uh To Whom It May Concern Colonel Hogan.
I hope Burkhalter's making headway with him.
Well, we don't have to worry about our senior partner.
He's one of the great con artists of all time.
If he doesn't convince Bowman, we are through.
I wouldn't say that.
I told you it was a bad idea.
Take cover.
I told you this was a bad idea.
Colonel, I think we've struck oil.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant? Get the prisoners back into the barracks.
Who, me? Yes, you.
Prisoners, back into the barracks! "To Whom It May Concern "Today is a sample of what you will get if you build a plant at Stalag 13.
Good luck.
" BURKHALTER: Our security has been broken.
Bowman, this finishes any plans for building here.
Of course, but how did they find out? I haven't the slightest idea, but we can Wait a minute.
Hogan Hogan? Hogan? Don't look at me.
I only work here.
It is incredible, Colonel Hogan, you deliberately poured oil in into that hole to fool me.
And there is the evidence.
Also to save you sir.
What? If they had gone ahead with their plans to build, by now you'd be on the eastern front.
Perhaps.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
General Burkhalter still thinks that there is oil under this can.
And he won't do a thing about it till after the war.
It's obvious the way things are going, you're going to lose, so Burkhalter goes back into the woodwork.
Of course.
Wait.
Suppose we should win? Impossible.
Why? How do you expect to win a war without oil?
( theme song playing ) Honor guard, Achtung! Who could that be? Somebody important, maybe? General Burkhalter, welcome to Stalag l3.
Colonel Klink, this is Herr Fritz Bowman, I.
G.
Bowman Industries.
Herr Bowman, my pleasure, sir.
He's got a beautiful fur collar.
And I've got a sudden attack of curiosity.
LeBeau, take listening post number three.
See what you can find out about that kraut.
Right, Colonel.
Uh, be careful.
The collar may still be alive.
All right, Newkirk, get the lead out.
You're dogging it, boy.
Oh, look at that, Carter.
We got a new boss, we have.
Yeah? Well, Kinch is right.
You're goofing off.
When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, Yank.
Get your hands off him.
Stop it.
I'll report you to the Sergeant.
( all talking at once ) ( all talking at once ) Oh, oh, ex Hey, excuse me.
I lost me head.
I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't have done that for the world.
( Schultz speaking German ) ( speaking German ) Fighting when there is a war on? This is not nice.
I'm sorry, Schultz.
It was my fault.
I-I No, it really was my fault.
No it wasn't.
It was my fault.
No, I did it.
It was my fault.
( all talking ) Quiet! Look at Schultz.
He can count up to three.
He's brilliant.
Night school paying off, huh, Schultz? Night school paying off.
Ha.
Jolly jokers.
Raus Right face.
And forward march.
Uh, one, two, three, four.
Uh, one, uh, two, uh, three, uh, four.
Have to be tough with them, otherwise they do not respect you.
Yes, sir.
( shouts in German ) Dismissed.
Fraulein Helga, we do not wish to be disturbed.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Nice to see you again, my dear.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, may I offer some refreshment? Now let us get down to business.
Of course.
Refreshments can wait.
First, our mission is top secret.
We must have absolute security.
Herr General, you can depend on that.
The security at Stalag 13 is absolutely airtight.
BOWMAN: That's most reassuring.
Thank you, Herr Bowman.
We are on our toes here at Stalag l3.
General Burkhalter will tell you that Here is the problem.
He'll tell you later.
Our industrial plants have been taking a terrible beating from allied bombing attacks.
The Fuhrer is very concerned.
So he turned the problem over to me.
I have developed an idea.
Brilliant.
I haven't told you what it is yet.
I.
G.
Bowman Industries was going to build a new synthetic fuel plant at Velthuysen.
It almost certainly will be bombed.
I think that's a fair assumption.
Yes, that's a fair assump tion.
But there is one place the Allies will not bomb.
A prisoner of war camp.
So why not put the plant right here? Leave the buildings as they are and build a new Stalag 13.
KLINK: With all due respect, Herr General, I cannot believe that would fool the allied bombers.
Colonel, I said it was my idea.
They'll never find it, sir.
As soon as Stalag 13 is ready, we will move your prisoners to any of the other Luft Stalags temporarily.
Yes, sir.
So, how soon will you be ready with your command? I can have that information for you as soon as possible, Herr General.
Fine.
Herr Bowman and I will be here for a few days, look over the grounds and discuss plans.
Of course, sir.
May I show you to my quarters personally? Oh, you will like it here at Stalag 13, Herr Bowman.
Friendly, just the right touch of hostility that has made us famous.
You know, when I took over command BURKHALTER: Klink.
Coming, Herr General.
Quick, a glass of wine.
I'm fainting.
Snap out of it, Louis.
Make it burgundy.
'33 was a good year.
You know what? I bet he's got claustrophobia.
Now you tell me? Moving us? You're sure about it? Oui, mon Colonel.
As soon as possible, they said.
It means we're finished.
And out of business, kaput.
Well, we can't move.
The guys just started digging another tunnel.
Another one? Well, this one goes on top of the others.
We needed an overpass.
Well, tell them to forget it.
If we don't come up with something, everything goes-- tunnels, radio, contacts in town.
Even LeBeau's mushrooms under the Rec Hall.
Never.
I'll kill first.
NEWKIRK: I suppose when we get to the new Stalag, we might get organized again.
Well, I could carry a few radio parts along.
How do you carry a tunnel? Uh, c'est fini.
It's terrible.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it.
You guys throw in the towel awful fast.
There must be a way to keep them from building that refinery here.
How? I don't know.
We'll stall for time and come up with something.
Kinch, get a message off to London, tell them what's happening.
We may need some help Colonel Hogan? Shh! Shh.
( whispering ): Colonel Klink wants to see you in his office, right away.
Fine, Schultz.
Why am I whispering? You really want to know? I don't want to know nothing What does Klink want? I don't know, but this may be our chance to buy some time.
Carter, get me the picture of Klink off the wall of the delousing station.
CARTER: Okay.
I'm going to try to reach our Kommandant through his heart, if I can find it.
You sent for me, Colonel? KLINK: Yes, Hogan.
Sit down, sit down.
All right.
I have some important news for you.
The entire personnel of Stalag 13, prisoners and guards Are about to be moved? That's it.
How did you know? Just an educated guess.
That kraut, or German that came in this morning, uh, looked like a real estate dealer.
Does the General know you're selling the camp? Insolence.
We are being moved to another Luft Stalag temporarily while a new and modern Stalag 13 is being built.
I can hardly wait.
Hogan, I warn you, any attempt at escape during this transfer will be severely punished.
You don't have to worry on that score, sir.
Good.
We'll try.
Now, you've been warned.
I expect you and your men to be ready for this move within three days.
Impossible.
That word does not exist in my vocabulary.
Oh, come on, moving isn't easy.
There's a lot to be done-- packing, writing letters, having the phone turned off.
I am not interested in your problems.
Three days, ready or not.
Dismissed.
Uh, sir, I have a request.
Would you autograph this picture for the boys? Me autograph a picture for them? Oh, nothing elaborate.
Just a greeting, maybe, uh, "Good luck to the gang from the Iron Colonel.
" The Iron Colonel? The Iron Colonel.
I must say I'm rather surprised.
Well, we've had our differences, but heck, there have been a lot of tunnels going under the wire since we've been at Stalag 13.
And besides, it's something to remember you by.
Sometimes you find sentiment in the strangest places.
You can say that again.
Wait.
Something to remember me by? I'm not going anywhere.
Am I? Sure you are.
Back into combat, you lucky dog.
Combat? This move is General Burkhalter's idea.
He is a General of the Third Reich, the Fuhrer's right hand man.
Are you suggesting that he is a liar? How do you think he got to be the Fuhrer's right hand man? No.
It can't be.
Did he tell you anything about the new Stalag 13, or anything about the transit camp, or anything really important? Now that you mention it, no.
Why is he doing this? Oh, it's a quiet way to disperse the POWs to other camps.
I've seen it done before.
Yeah, but it won't be so bad for you.
It won't? Oh, you're going to be flying again.
The German Eagle back up in the wild blue yonder, screaming down to drop your eggs in the snow.
Snow? Well, I mean, let's face it.
Moscow isn't exactly the French Riviera.
But I am not qualified to fly these new planes.
Ah, you'll pick it up easy enough, and if you don't, they'll pick you up.
( laughs ) Sorry, that's bad taste.
Break up Stalag 13? I don't believe it.
HELGA: Herr Kommandant, the General's here to see you, sir.
At ease, gentlemen.
You have told Hogan the news? We were just discussing it, sir.
Never mind the discussion.
I want action.
How soon will you be ready? Oh, we were just trying to determine that, sir.
I'd like more information about this new Stalag 13.
You will find out soon enough.
I want to know which Luft Stalag we're going to be sent to temporarily.
That has not been determined.
Will my men be protected from the civilian population during the move? Security is none of your affair.
What is this? I walk in here, and the prisoner of war begins to question me? No offense, Herr General.
I want the estimate of your moving time as quickly as possible, or there will be an offense against you.
( door closing ) You believe it now? Ducked every question.
When I pressed him, he pulled rank.
Yes, yes.
What is to be done? Well, if I were you, I'd stall as much as you can.
Burkhalter may change his mind, or it could be changed for him.
You don't know him.
He is a mountain.
That's true.
He ought to cut down on starches.
The German Eagle, dropping my eggs in the snow.
It's-It's terrible.
Well, that's the way the big war bounces.
HOGAN: Hi, Schultz.
Hi, Colonel.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! What are you doing in there? Just putting back an empty oil drum, Schultz.
You know what they say: a neat Stalag's a happy Stalag.
No one is allowed in there without the orders of the commandant.
You don't understand, Schultz.
We're putting back, not taking out.
Do you want me to be in trouble? Heaven forbid.
Well, then take it out.
All right, Newkirk, Kinch, bring it back out.
Here we go.
That's better.
Please, Colonel Hogan, do not go in here again.
Of course not-- uh, uh, by the way, Schultz, I won't say anything if you don't.
I saw nothing.
Nothing.
Hey, Schultz! ( shrieks ) Guten abend, Schultz.
What gives? What are you trying to do? We're escaping, buddy.
We dug our way out.
We're taking a scarper.
Back into the before someone catches you.
Come on, Schultz, sound the alarm.
You're all going to get us into trouble.
You've caught us.
Take us to your leader.
Please don't tell me my business.
ALL: Kommandant! Kommandant! Kommandant! ( alarm ringing ) Sound the alarm! So, you tried to dig your way out, and you came up under the water tower.
Boy, did we ever make a wrong turn.
It's a wildcat operation, sir.
The Escape Committee knew nothing about it.
I am not interested in your Escape Committee.
How do you know-- you've never been to any meetings.
( chuckles ) You think it's funny, huh? Well, you have plenty of chances to laugh in the cooler! Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sentence to begin the moment General Burkhalter leaves Stalag 13.
Schultz didn't do anything.
Not him, them.
It will be done, Herr Kommandant.
Now, get them out of my sight.
Prisoners, left face.
Wait, wait, wait, wait What is that dirt on your faces? Nothing, Colonel.
Just a little shoe polish.
We didn't want to shine in the moonlight.
Yeah, you know, like the commandos in the movies.
There is no moon tonight.
Nobody ever tells us anything.
Schultz, get 'em out of here.
Just a minute, Hogan.
Raise your hand.
( sniffs ) That is oil.
Sure, there's lots of it down there.
Carter.
Sorry, Colonel.
Idiot.
Him and his ruddy big mouth.
Go on, tell me more.
Might as well.
You blew it anyway.
There's so much oil down there that you can't even dig a decent tunnel.
That's why we got caught tonight.
It was either that or drown in that stuff.
Why, the other day, we were down there, and there was so much oil Carter.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I shall give the matter some further thought.
Schultz, take them away.
Hogan, you will remain.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Forverts, march.
A one, a two, a three, a four, a one, a two, a three, a four It's probably just a broken pipeline that runs under the camp.
Hogan, do you want me to go out there and start digging myself? Okay, you know most of it anyway.
Tell me, Hogan, is this really oil? Not just oil, Commandant, black gold.
Stalag 13 is located right over a sea of high-grade pure crude money.
( whimpers ) When did you discover this? Well remember about, uh, six months ago, there was an American lieutenant, an engineer who was captured and brought here? He found it? Yeah, just before he was transferred to Stalag 9.
Besides being an engineer, he was also a geologist.
Confirmed by an expert? You bet he is.
You have been sitting on this for six months? Like a mother hen.
You see, I figured that after the war, prisoner camps would be selling for about, oh, ten cents apiece.
I'd come back and buy Stalag 13, sink a few wells and Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes? There'd be dancing in the streets.
Just call me Diamond Jim Hogan.
You are a greedy, selfish person.
I do my best.
You'd keep it all to yourself? There's enough oil down there to make ten millionaires.
There is? ( clears throat ) Let us, uh, build on that thought for a moment.
What do you got in mind, Commandant? After the war, a sign on the gate, and instead of Stalag 13, it reads, "The Klink and Hogan Oil Company.
" So, your name comes first, Wilhelm? Wilhelm? Aren't we being a little familiar, Hogan? I think partners should be.
Oh, you don't know what this means to me.
After the war, I won't just have a 500-year-old aristocratic name, but for the first time, some money to go with it.
I will be impossible.
You're doing all right now.
Look, I hate to shoot you down right over the target, but we have a problem.
What? They go ahead and build on this site, they're bound to find out about the oil, and we're dead.
What can we do? We should change the name on the front gate to read, "The Burkhalter, Klink, Hogan Oil Company.
" Who needs Burkhalter? We do.
He's got the power to leave Stalag 13 and our oil just the way it is.
Give him a piece of the pie? Or there won't be any.
I've got to get some sleep.
Good night, Colonel.
Good night, Lucky.
Oil field? An oil field, you say? I saw it myself.
Herr General, as we are talking here, there is a sea of oil beneath us bubbling, bubbling, trying to come to the surface and turn into money.
Klink, you're making a spectacle of yourself.
Forgive me, Herr General.
It's the excitement of the money.
I mean, the moment.
The question is whether to drill for it now or later, much later.
You mean, like, after the war? Uh, that kind of later? The war effort of the Third Reich is being geared to the use of synthetic fuel.
An important oil discovery right now could easily upset the entire economy.
That is brilliant, Herr General, absolutely brilliant.
I had a feeling you'd agree.
But what about Herr Bowman and the new plans? I'll have a talk with him tomorrow.
I don't think he's going to be too hard to handle.
Oh, not for you, Herr General.
The three of us are going to make a winning combination.
The three of us? Oh, yes.
The "Burkhalter, Klink, Hogan Oil Company.
" Hogan? Who needs Hogan? Well, he's the one who Go to bed, Klink, before you give away any more shares of my company.
I'm sorry I cannot agree with you, General.
It is an ideal location for the plant.
The railroad is three miles away.
BOWMAN: Simple enough to have some track laid.
There is no airport.
So we can build one in a week.
I want to remind you, Herr Bowman, that I represent the Fuhrer in this project, and if I make a decision, it is final.
Of course that is truly patriotic and for the good of Germany.
General, I respect your position and your frankness, and I have a suggestion that can easily resolve our differences.
Yes? We will each submit our proposal to the Fuhrer and let him decide.
I may have been a bit hasty.
Perhaps if we look over the grounds once more.
I'll try to keep an open mind.
Of course, General.
There is something I would like Herr Bowman to see that would certainly show him Fraulein Helga.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Will you please tell Schultz to get Hogan over here right away? Bowman is holding out.
He wants the plant built here.
Well, that's it, then.
We've had it.
Yeah, we're through.
And it looks like we're out of the escape business.
Now, there's one more thing we can do.
Kinch, take this message, get it off to London.
Right.
Shoot.
Colonel Hogan, Stalag Request fake bombing mission tomorrow 1500 hours.
Repeat, no bombs.
Require leaflets.
Carter.
Yes, sir.
Tonight, you and Newkirk plant some dynamite charges in the compound.
Wire 'em up so we can set 'em off when we're ready.
All right, Colonel.
Okay.
Uh, Colonel, what do you want Headquarters to print on these leaflets? Let me see, uh To Whom It May Concern Colonel Hogan.
I hope Burkhalter's making headway with him.
Well, we don't have to worry about our senior partner.
He's one of the great con artists of all time.
If he doesn't convince Bowman, we are through.
I wouldn't say that.
I told you it was a bad idea.
Take cover.
I told you this was a bad idea.
Colonel, I think we've struck oil.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant? Get the prisoners back into the barracks.
Who, me? Yes, you.
Prisoners, back into the barracks! "To Whom It May Concern "Today is a sample of what you will get if you build a plant at Stalag 13.
Good luck.
" BURKHALTER: Our security has been broken.
Bowman, this finishes any plans for building here.
Of course, but how did they find out? I haven't the slightest idea, but we can Wait a minute.
Hogan Hogan? Hogan? Don't look at me.
I only work here.
It is incredible, Colonel Hogan, you deliberately poured oil in into that hole to fool me.
And there is the evidence.
Also to save you sir.
What? If they had gone ahead with their plans to build, by now you'd be on the eastern front.
Perhaps.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
General Burkhalter still thinks that there is oil under this can.
And he won't do a thing about it till after the war.
It's obvious the way things are going, you're going to lose, so Burkhalter goes back into the woodwork.
Of course.
Wait.
Suppose we should win? Impossible.
Why? How do you expect to win a war without oil?