Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e14 Episode Script

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING.]
[MUSIC.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[FINGERS TAPPING.]
Wow, slow day huh? [CRASHING.]
Seems like we need to drum up more business, hmm? Let me guess.
You have another fang-tastic idea.
Well since you asked.
Parties.
[CLUCKING.]
We make Hotel Transylvania the go-to place for after-funerals, anniver-scaries.
We create buzz [FLIES BUZZING.]
The good kind, not the swarm-of-locusts kind.
- Absolutely not.
I detest parties.
- Come on, how about this? Let me throw a sample party, to prove I can do it.
Huh? [SIGHS.]
It would have to be simple.
A group of monsters sitting around, waiting for death, you know, a party.
Of course, entertainment, maybe a cake, definitely a cake.
But that's it.
And someone's birthday is coming up, someone who's totally unimportant in every conceivable way.
Diane? [CLUCKING.]
It would get her off my back.
But entertainment? I've found classy options for every occasion, even the boring ones.
AUNT LYDIA: Octavio the Awesome? Is he still doing the tedious old magic act? Yes! And he's totally available, surprisingly so.
I did my research.
Well then, throw your test party, with Octavio.
If you fail, you can scrape the fungus off Bigfoot's toes for the next year! [RETCHING.]
[GRUNTING.]
How do you do always come up with the worst punishment? It's a gift.
But it's not one of your disgusting party gifts.
Right this way, front row seats for the Beak of Honor.
[CLUCKING.]
So excited, boss! [CHATTERING.]
Festive decorations, Mavis.
Yeah, they really make me look forward to my funeral.
Exactly! Enjoy the show! I highly doubt it.
[APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you! I'm your host, Pedro.
And this is "Diane: A Night of Celebration.
" How's everyone doing? Anyone here from the grave? [GROWLING.]
The warm-up acts are ready to go.
And Octavio the Awesome should arrive any second now.
It's going so well.
I can practically taste the cake.
Quasi's whipping the scream cheese frosting as we speak.
[SCREAMING.]
Looks at him.
And he says "Sir, that's no sarcophagus.
That's the toilet!" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Wonderful! [TICKING.]
Being a doctor is tough.
Last week, patient comes in with a cough.
So, I run some tests.
Now I've got to schlep all the way to his swamp to tell him he's got six months to live.
There go my dinner plans! [GARY COUGHING.]
Gary? I was just talking about you! What? I have six months to live? Nah, I didn't want my act to be a downer.
You have two months to live! [ALL LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
Is there anything funnier than a monster's impending doom? Aww, look at Aunt Lydia.
We are going to host so many parties.
I think someone's in line for a promotion.
That's my time! Good night! And good luck, Gary.
[APPLAUSE.]
Wait a sec.
Where's that Octavio? If he doesn't show Mavis! Octavio the Awesomely Late is here! Yes! Better late than severed! [MUSIC.]
Octavio, welcome! At last! [GASPS.]
- Sorry, I had trouble with the map.
- Well you're here now.
And everyone is so, so eager to see your act! Great! I'll open with the old ear-behind-the-ear trick.
Whoops! Sorry, I get clumsy when I'm nervous.
And I'm always nervous.
And I'm starting to get why my Aunt Lydia insisted I book you.
"Thanks, Lydia.
" Lydia Dracula? Oh, she hated my act so much, she wrote a blood letter to Entertainment Shriekly.
"Octavio the Awful", she said.
I can't go in there.
I won't! You can't make me! Wait! No! [GROANS.]
Now what? I told everyone we'd have a magician.
And maybe we still do.
Time for some magic wagic! Uh, forget I said that.
Magic for Beginners, chapter one.
Show time! [GASPS.]
Good luck, Mavis! [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, is this a great party or what? Whoo-hoo! [GRUNTING.]
Where is Octavio the Awesome? Uh, a magician never reveals his secrets.
Maybe he's already here.
Can you feel it in the air? You mean your impending failure? No, I'm talking about magic time! [FINGERS TAPPING.]
[GULPS.]
Oh, it's hot up here.
I'll just, uh [BARKING.]
Oh, uh, ta-da! [SCREAMING.]
[CHEERING.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
For my next trick, I need a volunteer.
- [CLUCKING.]
Me! - All right, let's hear it for Diane! [ALL CHEERING.]
I am going to make our Beak of Honor disappear! [ALL EXCLAIM.]
[CLUCKING.]
Okay, slippity sloppy, hoppity hey, disappear now! Go away! [LAUGHING.]
- Mildly impressive.
- Ha! It worked! Uh I mean, now to make her reappear.
Swirly, curly, the other way, return to us right now.
Okay? [MAVIS CLEARING THROAT.]
Nosfarutu, nosferack, come on home now! Hurry back! Holy rabies.
And now for a totally planned magician's intermission.
In my absence, please enjoy Hank and his famous impressions! [APPLAUSE.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Welcome to my hotel! It's Dracula! He's doing my dopey brother! Blah, blah, blah! [LAUGHING.]
- I made Diane disappear! - We know.
Awesome! No, I really made her disappear! I have to get her back before Quasi brings out the cake or I'm going to be waist-deep in fungal toe jam! It won't come off! [RETCHING.]
- Ew.
- Yum.
- What did you do exactly? - I just waved the wand, like this.
[GASPS.]
No! Where'd they all go? Hello? [SING-SONGY.]
Hello? - What is this place? - It's not so bad, - once you get used to all the running.
- Sorry, "Running"? [LOUD THUMPING.]
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
[CLUCKING.]
WENDY: Ah! [DIANE CLUCKING.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Oh, my gosh, you guys, holy rabies! [LAUGHING.]
That is Mavis to a "T"! And then there's Lydia [GROWLS.]
Uh, who is super terrifying and scary.
And let's leave it at that.
That's pretty on point, actually.
[GROANING.]
[GROWLING.]
Quasi is nearly finished the cake? [GROANS.]
First time I've ever dreaded dessert! I got to find Octavio.
But how? Take me to your owner! Go to your magician! Returnio Octavio? Aah! [SOBBING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Octavio, thank darkness! I need your help! Your wand made my friends disappear, and Diane! - Help you? You took my wand! - You dropped it! - I need my wand back! - I need my friends back, and Diane! - You want your wand? Come and get it! - Whoa! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Where am I? Wendy? Pedro? BOTH: Mavis! Run! [CLUCKING.]
[GASPS.]
[CLUCKING.]
[GRUNTING.]
- Give me back my wand! - First, tell me how we get out! - Fine, just reverse the swirl! - I tried that! [STAMMERS.]
W-What? B-B-But it's the only fix I know! Oh, your aunt's right.
I'm awful.
[SOBBING.]
No, come on, don't.
I just hope she hasn't caught on yet.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
We're dying over here! MAVIS: There's got to be a false bottom in this cauldron.
The false bottom would work, except you moved the cauldron.
- That locks it up! - [GASPS.]
But how do we move it back? [GRUNTING.]
MAVIS: Run! [ALL SCREAMING.]
[DIANE CLUCKING.]
Wendy's Dad, Mr.
Blob, explaining the Big Bang.
[BABBLING.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
[LAUGHING.]
Stop! Stop! My mouth isn't used to this upturned shape! [LAUGHING.]
Bring back Diane already.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ta-da! [LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING.]
[SING-SONGY.]
Just like I planned it! Oh, Diane, I was so worried [CLUCKING.]
Is what someone who cared might say.
[CLUCKING.]
Mavis, I must admit you even made that hack look good.
- Aw, thank you! - You You think I'm a hack? - Whoo-hoo! - I want a new magic show every week! Yeah-ha-ha! [CLUCKING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
You're killing me! [LAUGHING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
Beating artichoke hearts, yes [HEARTS BEATING.]
Gargoyled eggs [EGGS SQUEALING.]
Chocolate-covered eyeballs.
HANK: I got eyeballs on the chocolate-covered eyeballs.
[GRUNTING.]
[GASPING.]
What is this?! Garlic seeds? [GASPING.]
How could you mess this up again? If we're caught, Lydia will skin us alive, and then dead! [GROWLING.]
Oh, sure, no big deal for you, but for me, it's AUNT LYDIA: Quasimodo, where is my breakfast? [SHRIEKS.]
Okay, you wait for me in the spice torture rack.
Saperlipopette! Did he say "Garlic seeds"? The garlic patch said "Come play with us.
" And the little vampire was tempted.
She disobeyed the shrunken heads, who said "Girl, don't go there.
" She even ignored her papa, who said "Under no circumstances, are you to look at, touch or think about garlic.
" [GASPS.]
I said "don't touch!" - What happened next to the vampire? - Next? Um, terrible, horrible, oh, unspeakable things.
I can't even talk about them, they're so bad.
Now, scary dreams, my little pus dumpling! Wow.
I've never even seen garlic before.
I got to get a closer look! - No! - Stop! - Mavis! - You can't go near garlic! So they say.
But what really happens? I bet it's all a myth, perpetuated by the garlic farmers.
You know how those weirdos can be.
- Nope.
- Not really.
That's literally just your thing, dude.
But just in case it's not a myth, I nominate Pedro to get the bag.
[SCOFFS.]
Ain't no thing for a non-vamp.
Ah! [LAUGHING.]
You should see your faces, all eyes bugging, mean mugging.
Come on, y'all got to Ah! Ah! - [GASPING.]
I can't breathe.
- Because you're not breathing.
- Oh.
[SIGHING.]
- Don't worry.
Garlic doesn't do anything to non-vampires.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure we just proved garlic seeds don't do anything to vampires either.
Look at me.
[HUMMING.]
So, maybe garlic just makes them dance horribly? 'Kay, we better put this back before Quasi finds out we were in here.
On it! [SLURPING.]
[MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
And that's the end of that! What's that? [GROWLING.]
[SNIFFING.]
It couldn't be.
It wouldn't dare.
[SCREAMING.]
It is! You! Pick the sprout! [GROWLING.]
[STAMMERS.]
Garlic! [SCREAMING.]
[SOBBING.]
"Hotel Transylvania is to remain closed "while under garlic decontamination"? "Closed"? What if we didn't clean up all those seeds? If my Dad finds out I single-handedly shut down the hotel, he'll never let me be in charge.
Man, you'll be lucky to be assistant to - the Chief Yeti Tongue Scraper.
- Hey, job's already taken.
Well, I, for un, am relieved the hotel is closed.
Huh? 'Cause we all know what happens to vampires - exposed to garlic, right? - You know, Aunt Lydia, maybe nothing happens to vampires? I've heard the seeds don't do anything.
Well, of course, the seeds don't.
[SIGHING.]
- But once they're full grown - [STAMMERS.]
What? Horrible, unspeakable things! Think of the worst thing ever and multiply it by terrible.
Then you're close.
Dying of hunger while being scrubbed clean in a bath? Even worse.
But it's not as bad as what's going to happen to the traitor who brought garlic into my hotel! [GASPING.]
H-How will you ever discover who did it, huh? It seems impossible.
[FORCED LAUGHTER.]
The Cerberus is on the case.
[GROWLING.]
It'll sniff out the garlic source, which'll have the culprit's scent.
So, if the hotel's on lock down, where are we supposed to sleep? [ENGINE STARTING.]
Look! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Looks like they'll be gone for weeks.
Who's ready for a Dracula sleepover party? [GROWLING.]
[MUSIC.]
[HOWLING MEOW.]
Huh? [SCREAMING.]
[SNORING.]
[ALL SNORING.]
AUNT LYDIA: Off with their heads! [CONTINUES SNORING.]
[SIGHS.]
[GASPS.]
[SNORING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Wendy? Hey, Wendy? Wake up.
Fire mouth! [BOWL CLATTERS.]
- Morning! - I need help.
I got to sneak back and grab that bag of seeds before anyone finds my prints on it and I'm sunk.
Imagine, the daughter of Count Dracula, caught with garlic.
- Now who's with me? - Uh We'll guard the tub.
[SNORES.]
I think it's time for a homemade hazmat makeover! WENDY: Sweet.
Protects against garlic attack.
[SNIFFS.]
[YELLS.]
I can't smell or hear anything! - Shh! - Mavis did it! [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
I tip, zen I toe.
I tip.
I toe.
I tip.
I toe.
I tip, toe.
[GROWLING.]
Tip toe, tip toe, tip toe, tip toe.
Ze key is to not wear any socks.
[YELLS.]
The kitchen? Good idea! Evidence? What evidence, Lydia? [LAUGHING.]
Bravo, me.
[GROWLING.]
[WHISPERING.]
How do we get past the Cerberus? [LOUDLY.]
What? The Cerberus! [GROWLING.]
Run! [GROWLING.]
[MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
WENDY: And stay out! [GRUNTS.]
That's better.
I can hear now.
[GASPS.]
It's gone! Look! Sock-less tippy-toe footprints! MAVIS: The incinerator! Ah! They're still there! Say, Wendy, how are you with heat? Almost, almost.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, my gum! [SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[CLATTERING.]
Quasi! What are you doing here? Oh, hello.
Uh, visiting the hall of mirrors, you know, no crowds for the decontamination, so What are you Zut alors! Ze garlic seeds! [GASPS.]
Wendy! You still have them? [LOUD STOMPING.]
Uh-oh! Run! You're getting good at saying that.
[GRUNTING.]
Your helmet's off! You're exposed! [GASPING.]
The garlic smell, it's real! It burns! Make it stop! [SNIFFS.]
Can't smell garlic, thanks, Wendy! [GROWLING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
MAVIS: Wendy, get rid of the garlic! Okay, bye-bye, seeds! [FINGERS TAPPING.]
- Ahem.
- I, uh, what? Oh, wow, where am I? Sleepwalking, am I right? - [SNIFFING.]
Do I smell garlic? - Uh, no.
Besides, I exposed myself.
And nothing happened.
It just burns your nostrils a bit, big whoop.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, if I had garlic, I could prove it.
Oh, you mean like this? [ALL SCREAMING.]
Wendy, why would you keep that? Um, hello? It's a keepsake from our adventure! Okay, fine, I'll prove it.
[GASPING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
See? Just a bunch of rubbish.
[SCREAMING.]
It's in my mouth! Is it in my mouth? It's in my mouth! [SCREAMING.]
UNCLE GENE: What's happening? Nothing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nothing is happening.
Maybe when it's second-hand [SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
Ooh! [SNEEZING.]
[BEEPING.]
[CREATURES CLAMORING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[COUGHING.]
Several fiery months later When you think about it, it's almost funny we all ended up quarantined to the Cerberus pit.
Yes.
"It's hilarious.
" [VOCALIZING.]