I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e14 Episode Script

Make a wish, Mr.
Buffington? I wish it were the early '50s, when it was still legal for a teacher to rap a student on the knuckles with a ruler.
Ah-ah-ah.
No telling, or it won't come true.
Who's got two thumbs and a b on his history paper? This guy! First of all, you're supposed to point at yourself with your thumbs when you say that.
Second of all, are you sure Mr.
Buffington gave you a b? Lindy, I don't get a lot of them, but I do know what they look like.
I only got a b-minus.
I don't get it.
I spent three weeks on mine.
You wrote yours on the bus ride to school.
Which was really hard.
The ride was so bumpy I couldn't copy off the kid next to me.
How did you do better than me? Maybe Buffington just doesn't like you.
Oh, please.
What do you know? According to Mr.
Buffington, a little more than you do.
I'm gonna go talk to him about my grade.
Hey, tell him you know me.
Hey, Jenna.
'Sup.
You like Jenna.
No, I don't.
Yeah, I do.
But she's never even noticed you.
Yeah, she has.
No, she hasn't.
You want me to tell you why? Absolutely not! Okay, fine, just tell me.
It's because you've never had a girlfriend.
No one wants to take a chance on you.
If you had a girlfriend, then broke up with her, every girl in school would want you.
You know what? That actually makes sense.
But where am I gonna get a girl to be my first girlfriend? Well, I happen to know someone who wants to make her ex jealous.
Is she cute? Stunning.
It's me.
I'll be your girlfriend.
Why would you want to be my girlfriend? I don't! What part of this conversation are you not getting? All of it! Look, I want Mike back, and you want Jenna to notice you, so we pretend to be a couple.
That is the most ridiculous, insane plan I've ever heard.
When do we start? Right now.
There's Mike.
Kiss me! What? Get up and kiss me right now! Should I go left or right? Just kiss me! Okay.
Never mind.
He just left.
Did you see this? Jasmine just changed her status to "in a relationship with Logan.
" They're a couple? Oh, no.
This is it.
Our crew is fracturing.
Now, it's just a big game of relationship musical chairs, and I'm going to be the last one standing when the music stops.
What do you say? You and me? Boyfriend, girlfriend? You know, we both could do a lot worse.
Oh, wait, Jasmine texted me.
They're just fake-dating to make Mike jealous.
You know, why rock the boat? We could both do a lot better.
Johnson, Smith, Carlisle.
Twelve.
Twelve? It's no big deal.
He's not good with names.
Hey, Billy Paul linkletter, Jr.
way to bring it last week! Isn't he the water boy? Yes, but he did bring it.
You know, maybe this is why he never puts me in the game.
He doesn't know I exist.
You've got to confront him.
Say, "I'm not twelve.
I'm Garrett.
I'm your star quarterback!" Back-up kicker.
"And the varsity team needs me.
" Junior varsity.
"And I'm tired of riding the bench.
" Actually, I sit on the equipment bag.
Billy Paul linkletter, Jr.
sits on the bench.
You're killing me, twelve! Hey, Mr.
Buffington, the greatest history teacher in the history of history Teaching.
What is it, Ms.
Watson? Cool model.
This is not a model.
This is a hand-crafted re-creation of the alamo.
It took six months, 1100 toothpicks, and 31 boxes of tissue paper.
Would've been 30, but I had a brief bout of sinusitis.
Wow, it's so realistic.
But isn't that a little big for a cannonball? That's a stray raisin from my mid-morning muffin.
Oh, here's another one.
That one was a cannonball.
Lovely.
Well, thank you for stopping by.
Good-bye, so long, have a nice day, adios.
No, actually, I was wondering about my paper.
Why did I get a b-minus? Well, as a teacher, giving a poor grade is the only real power I have.
And I like it, Ms.
Watson, I like it a lot.
Okay.
Okay, I get it.
It's your call.
You know, my brother thought it was because you don't like me.
Isn't that funny? Isn't it? Why aren't you laughing, Mr.
Buffington? Oh.
Ha ha ha.
Happy? Are you saying you don't like me? I am not saying that oh, good.
But if I were to say that, I'd have good reason.
Wouldn't I? Mr.
Buffington?! I didn't even recognize you! You look fantastic.
Thank you, Lindy.
No, seriously.
Your nose looks totally normal now.
Well, nice seeing you.
I mean, the old nose used to come into a room five minutes before he did.
Old nose? Great to catch up no, seriously, I still can't get over how great you look.
I bet your ex-wife is sorry now, huh? Ex-wife?! We really have to get going.
Well, hey, great to see you.
Say hi to your kids.
Kids?! Good-bye, Lindy! All I did was compliment you.
You didn't compliment me.
You stuck your two cents in.
Tammy broke up with me.
I hadn't told her about my ex-wife.
Or my ex-nose.
Well, you should've just been honest with her, if you want my opinion.
I don't.
Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean everyone wants to hear it, Ms.
Watson.
All right.
I get it.
But if you want my opinion, after seeing Tammy, I think your nose can do better.
You know what, Ms.
Watson? I am going to change your grade.
"C"?! As in see you later.
Get out! Quicker! That's right.
Come on.
Lift those knees up.
Get those knees up.
Hey, uh, coach laketta, you got a minute? Sure.
Go! Um, well, I was just wondering Is there any way well, could I just clock's tickin' down.
Sudden death.
Call the play, son.
Snap the ball.
I want to play in a game.
Tryouts are next summer.
Good luck.
Coach laketta, I'm twelve.
You're awfully big for twelve.
What's your mother, like some kind of amazon? I'm already on the team! I'm Garrett spenger.
Back-up kicker.
And I'm good, but you wouldn't know 'cause the only time you ever let me kick something was that beehive off the bench.
And we both know how that worked out.
The whole swarm got me right between the uprights.
And it was no good! What's your point? My point is I've had it! If I don't get some more playing time, I'm walking.
Good.
Start walking, because you're off the team.
Why? Because I stood up to you? No.
Because you touched my stopwatch.
Hey, Jenna.
'Sup.
You know, I'm a little worried about Jenna believing you and I are really boyfriend and girlfriend.
Oh, because all of my other boyfriends have been super smart and good looking? No, that's not what I meant.
I think we need like a believable backstory.
Okay, I don't have all the details worked out.
Tell me what you think Since the day we met, you've secretly been in love with me.
Wait a minute.
I'm the one that's been in love with shh-shh.
Just listen You pined away, day after day, year after year, always saying the same thing "Logan, you're so charming and so adorable.
I really think there's something between us.
Don't you?" And then you twirl your hair, bat your eyes, give that little sigh.
But I always said "Nah.
Not into it.
" What?! That is completely Shh-shh.
Just listen You continued to hound me, and I, of course, continued to rebuff you.
Until one day, I was in a horrible accident.
Finally, a part of the story I like.
I'm lying there, wrapped in bandages.
My face is in a jar in another room.
You show up, begging me "Please be my boyfriend.
I don't care what you look like, Logan.
I love you, I love you.
" So then I say "I'm still not into you, but I do feel bad for you.
So what the heck?" Your face is in a jar, and you feel bad for me?! So bad that eventually I get used to you, and that's how we wind up boyfriend and girlfriend.
Sweet, huh? Isn't it simpler if we were just really great friends who fell in love? You're missing the point.
We have to make it believable! I am very upset and disturbed and, frankly, a tad miffed.
All great qualities for a football player.
I did what you said.
I told the coach if I didn't get some more play time, I'd walk.
And what do you think happened? Well, considering the rest of the team just got on the bus for the big game, I'm guessing it didn't go well.
No, it did not.
And the coach made me give my Jersey back on the spot.
And now you're stuck with that hideous rag from the lost and found? No! This is mine! Do you have one in my size? 'Cause we could, you know You guys are not going to believe this.
Mr.
Buffington thinks I stick my nose in other people's business.
Isn't that ridiculous? Why did everyone just look away? It's a subtle social cue that says how we feel without actually having to say it.
Are you guys saying you agree with Mr.
Buffington? Come on, Lindy.
You know you're always up in people's business.
Right, sugar cookie? Yes, cinnamon buns, but I think the technical term you're looking for is "buttinsky.
" Wait.
Are you guys still pretending to date? You know, I gotta tell ya buttinsky.
Okay, fine, I admit sometimes I do offer my opinion, but I'm almost always right.
You said I'd look good with short hair! You said I was old enough to shave! You said a spray tan would look great for picture day.
I said almost always right.
Okay, let's not forget I'm the one who convinced Garrett to try out for the football team.
Huh? Okay, maybe I am a "buttinsky," but, guys, I don't want to be.
What should I do? Why don't you let the Lindy who thinks, think.
And let the Lindy who speaks, shut up.
Okay.
Yes.
I can do that.
But first, I'm gonna make things right with Mr.
Buffington.
Good idea, right? Go for it.
Great idea.
Big mistake.
The hand-crafted re-creation is really coming along, Judy.
I just finished the bell tower.
It really rings.
Oh, herb.
You're so creative.
And so good with a tweezer.
Oh, hang on a second.
It's her, that buttinsky girl I was telling you about.
Hello, Ms.
Watson.
Hey, Mr.
b.
Okay, look, I thought about everything you said, and I feel horrible.
So I brought you something that I think will make things right between us.
You've been accepted to the study abroad program? Good one.
Anyway, I think you're going to be happy.
Come on in, Tammy.
Tammy?! Hi, herbie.
Lindy told me how miserable you were without me.
Tammy's there?! You told me you were done with that woman! It's a misunderstanding, honey.
Honey? Who's honey? My new girlfriend.
Oh, you found someone who's okay with the kids.
Kids?! Kittens! She said kittens! And Tammy means nothing to me.
Nothing?! What? You said I was the one who got away.
You called me "boo.
" Speaking of getting away, maybe I will go check out that study abroad program.
You know what, Tammy? You can have him! But honey! No, thank you! I never want to see you again! But boo! Well, that was unfortunate.
Hey, where'd these come from? Just a little gift.
Isn't that what boyfriends do? "Sorry for your loss"? Got 'em at a funeral.
Isn't that what a Logan would do? Don't care.
None of my real boyfriends ever did anything that thoughtful.
Not even Mike.
You're really sweet.
Well, you did stick with me through the whole my-face-in-a-jar thing.
You know what? Jenna's lucky.
You're gonna be a great boyfriend one day.
Hey, Jasmine.
Oh, hey, Mike.
Drive, drive, drive, drive! I need to talk to you.
Not now.
I'm in the middle of practice.
Good work, team! Take five! Who are you? Delia delfano.
Well, Delia delfano, lucky thing you did not touch my stopwatch! I'm here to talk to you about number twelve.
Number twelve? You must be looking for a math teacher.
I'm a coach.
Being out here on the field with the players should've been a tip-off.
If I wanted a tip-off, I'd have looked for a basketball coach.
I shouldn't be telling you this, but my friend Garrett spenger, your former kicker, has already been contacted by recruiters from six other high schools, two prep schools, and a prestigious online university.
Online universities don't have teams.
Yes, they do.
Each team member plays at his own pace from the comfort of his own home.
But it's still very competitive.
The point is, if you let Garrett walk, you can kick your season good-bye! Delfano, was it? And when we came in here, Mike's face was priceless.
I don't know if he was red from anger or from sucking on his straw too hard.
I'm good either way.
And when Jenna saw you pull my chair out for me Yeah, and not pull it away when you sat down? She was thinking, "that's the guy for me.
" Oh, hey, this'll drive them crazy.
To you, my dear.
No, to you, my dear.
Does anybody actually talk like this? What do I know? You're my first girlfriend, real or otherwise.
Uh, what are you guys doing? Isn't it obvious? We're having a romantic smoothie so Mike and Jenna get jealous.
Um, Mike and Jenna aren't even here anymore.
Oh.
Hmm.
I guess they left.
I didn't even notice.
Neither did I.
I guess we'll have to come back here tomorrow night.
It's a date.
You know, the two of you are never mind.
I keep my opinions to myself.
Insane! Mr.
Buffington, look, I feel bad about the other day.
Worse than I feel about the other, other day.
So from now on, I'm gonna mind my own business.
Consider me a brand-new Lindy.
Oh.
Thank you for sharing.
Now let me share something with you directions to your seat.
All right, class, if you'll turn to chapter six, today we discuss the assassination of archduke ferdinand.
Now, historians have always been at odds with one another over how exactly to characterize Uh-oh.
Is that what I think it is? Green alert, nostril b.
You've got to tell him! He was more or less liberal in his views on how yes, Lindy.
Uh You actually have a a what, Lindy? A Really good point about archbooger archduke never mind.
Snot important not important.
Please continue.
As I was saying, at this time in history, the balance of global power was shifting back and forth and back and forth.
As a matter of fact, in the summer of 1904 I'm sorry, I just have to don't hurt me! Ow! My nose! My nose is broken! Somebody call the nurse! Or your plastic surgeon! He did such great work on your first nose job.
Watson, not in front of the entire class! Everybody knows you had a nose job.
It's the hair transplant that Never happened.
Delia, you're not gonna believe this.
I heard they replaced me on the team.
They did? With a girl! That's crazy.
Show me one girl who can kick as well as you.
Wait a minute, you're the new back-up kicker? Starting kicker.
On the junior varsity team?! Varsity.
I don't believe this! It's not my fault I have a stellar kicking ability and a freakishly large right foot! The better to stomp all over my football dreams with, huh? Is it my fault you quit the team? Yes, it is! Guys, enough is enough.
Garrett, if you want the coach to notice you, be a better kicker.
Delia, you are a better kicker.
Teach him! Oh, you're the best, sugar-poodle.
Woof, woof.
And you two.
If you really like each other, then go for it.
If you don't, then just knock it off already! I feel pretty good.
Now if excuse you'll excuse me, I have to go to history.
And rewrite it! That was inspirational! Yes, it was.
Now come on.
We're gonna teach you how to kick like a girl! Can you believe her? Yeah, you and me really dating? No way.
I know.
The two of us? Please! Oh, there's Mike.
Carry my books to class? I'll do you one better.
Hey, Jasmine, can I not now, Mike.
I'm busy.
Mr.
Buffington, I need to talk to you.
I'm begging you.
My insurance won't cover it.
Now, may I get to my birthday celebration? In a minute.
Please.
I have opinions.
Lots and lots of opinions.
Are they always right? Yes! Know why? Because that's my opinion! By the way, Happy Birthday.
And even if you don't agree, you take the good with the bad, because I'm just trying to help, like I did with Logan and Jasmine.
And if it wasn't for me, Delia wouldn't be outside right now, teaching Garrett how to kick a football! Whoa! Look at that one go! Heads up! My model! Ow! My nose! Make a wish, Mr.
Buffington? I wish it were the early '50s, when it was still legal for a teacher to rap a student on the knuckles with a ruler.
Ah-ah-ah.
No telling, or it won't come true.
Hey, Logan, can I talk to you? Yeah, sure.
What's up? So, uh, I've been thinking about what Lindy said.
And it's totally crazy, but we've been spending a lot of time together, and it's really been a lot of fun, and we have been friends forever, so here, Logan.
You ready to go? Oh.
Jenna.
Hi, Jasmine.
Oh, Jenna and I are gonna go see a movie.
Can you give us a minute? Sure.
Isn't this great? I ran into Jenna and told her you and I broke up, and she was totally into me, just like you said she'd be.
That's great, Logan.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
I bet Mike comes around soon, too.
Yeah.
We'll see.
Uh, so what were you saying before? Nothing.
It's not important.
Go.
Have a great time.
Okay, see you later.
Hey, Delia.
Thanks for the kicking tips.
Not only am I back on the team, I get to sit on the bench now, and Billy Paul linkletter, Jr.
, sits on the equipment bag.
You might want to bring your own water.
So I owe you.
Anything you want.
Anything? Drive, drive, drive! I'm late for class! People, move it! Come on! Put your backs into it! Ow! My nose! Sorry, Mr.
Buffington.