LA to Vegas (2018) s01e14 Episode Script
Captain Dave's on a Roll
1 Hey, thanks for coming early.
We are in crisis mode.
Dave is fresh off his breakup with Patricia, and post-breakup Dave is the worst Dave there is.
I thought "Hold the phone.
" "You've never heard of Fleetwood Mac" Dave was the worst Dave.
No, "I'm not a racist, but" Dave is the worst Dave.
I'm not a particular fan of "You were in my dream last night" Dave.
The only Dave I don't like is Dave Matthews.
It's like, "Ugh, finish the song.
" What's in the bag? Stuff to help him through this.
He's gonna be a mess, and it's up to us to get him back on his feet.
Colin, you give him those.
- Dave loves - Oh, these are disgusting.
To smell them.
They're decorative soaps.
And this is Unlikely Animal Friends, a photo book of interspecies animals cuddling to restore his faith in love.
Oh, I have similar book, but it's a cookbook.
Nichole, here are giant sunglasses so Dave can hide his puffy eyes from all the crying.
What am I giving him? You just have to pretend to care.
Ronnie, it's not called "pretend" when you're classically trained.
It's called "technique.
" Oh! Okay, uh, here he comes.
Everybody get ready.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, nerds.
What are we smiling at? David, I know this breakup was tough.
But I'm here for you.
When you hurt, I hurt.
Guys, I appreciate it, but the breakup is already behind me.
I'm really okay.
See you on board.
Wow.
I did not expect him to bounce back so quickly.
Do we really think he's okay? Who cares? I just left it all out on the stage, and for what? A pat on the back and "see you on board"? What a waste of a brave performance.
I'll be in my dressing room.
He has a dressing room? Oh, that's what he calls every bathroom he goes into.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Nichole, I need to talk to you about something, and I haven't told anyone yet.
It's okay.
I saw you sneeze into a pillow and give it to that guy.
We all have hard days at work.
Oh, no, that was intentional.
He told me I looked tired.
-Rude.
-So, Bryan asked me to move in with him.
Oh, my God, that's so great.
I mean, I get that offer all the time, but I'm not about to break up Dirk Nowitzki's marriage.
Our lives are different.
Look, I've never lived with anyone.
How do I know if I'm even ready? This is a huge decision, and I'm gonna see him this weekend.
I have to tell him something.
Okay, I get it.
This is big.
How do you normally make big life decisions? - Quickly and panicked.
- How's that working out for you? Not great.
You want to buy a moped? First thing you need to do is make a pro/con list.
I do them for just about everything.
"Should I dye my hair blonde? "Should I quit social media? Should I run for senate?" - Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to help me with the drink service, or stay here and play grab-ass with your little friend? [DOLPHIN CLICKING OVER COMPUTER.]
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
[WOMAN MOANS.]
Artem, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.
Oh, the fake English accent? Just drop it.
We like you for you, man.
No, this L.
A.
to Vegas commute.
It's killing me.
I don't understand the allure of this city.
There's something for everybody in Vegas.
And if you are put in the right situation, you would realize there's more Vegas in you than you ever imagined.
I think it's fair to say there's not an ounce of Vegas in me right now.
Oh, yes, there is.
I see it so clearly now, as I can see how you're gonna die.
Natural causes.
I'm really proud of how you're handling this breakup, Dave.
You're my hero.
Thanks, Alan.
I'm my hero, too.
You know, there's a term for my evolution.
It's called "emotional growth.
" I'm at a point in my life where I give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling and just let it go.
If you started a cult, I would leave mine and join yours.
Don't leave your cult for me.
You love Weight Watchers.
Okay, so what are we plugging today? Hey there, folks, Captain Dave here.
You smell that? That's love in the air.
And if you're feeling ready to make that special relationship official, head on down to Wed-Locked, Vegas' first escape room slash wedding chapel.
Oh, God.
[EXHALES.]
Folks, I'm gonna go off-script here and get real with you.
You know, I used to believe in love.
Then, I realized love sucks.
It's a total waste of time.
I'm done with it.
Artem, I need that book.
DAVE: Done.
- I don't need love anymore.
- Come on, Dave, let me in.
Lots of people don't have love, and they're doing great.
Like my friend Colin.
The pale gentleman in the tweed jacket.
He has the air of a widower, but really, he's just divorced.
Hey, Colin, let's you and me disappear into the woods and live off the land, sustaining ourselves on our shared hatred of romance.
Look at this one, Dave.
It's a German Shepherd and a baby owl.
He should be eating him, but they're touching noses.
So, to sum it all up, folks, I hate love.
[SIGHS.]
I don't need it, and neither does Colin.
- Right, Colin? - Right.
Just to be clear, Captain Dave and I are on very different emotional paths.
I'm not that lonely, I just like to read books.
- WOMAN [ON COMPUTER.]
: Ay, Papi.
- Come on, mate.
[DOLPHIN CLICKS.]
What the hell was that, Dave? That was a punch in the face called "truth.
" And your first taste of the new me.
It might get bitter.
Yeah? That's it.
So it looks like our flight to L.
A.
is going to be delayed.
Apparently, there's a warning light on in the cockpit they need to check out.
Do you know anything about this, Dave? - Why wasn't I enough? - [BANGING.]
- [ALARM BUZZING.]
- MALE VOICE: Warning.
Warning.
Nope.
Look, I know you're hurting right now, but you've got to pull it together.
You have a job to do, so while they're fixing this warning light, why don't you go blow off some steam and get your head right? I'm gonna go to Hudson News and tip over a rack of Nora Roberts novels.
If I can't have romance, no one can.
Bernard.
I should have known you were behind this delay.
Caroline, I knew I caught a waft of soup breath and eczema cream.
Listen, you sour-faced Contempo Casuals mannequin come to life, the gate agents are not taking the fall for this mess because you two screwed up.
You look like a moray eel with a wig.
You look like a Snapchat filter called "Ugly Tyrese.
" O-Okay, guys, let's not do this again.
Come on, we're all in it together.
The plane will be fixed soon, so UNTIL THEN: hands in, go team.
Know this, Bernard.
I'm going to get you.
And your little dog, too.
Why does she hate us so much? It's probably because I slept with her boyfriend.
I didn't want to, but I could, so I did.
Oh, hey.
Look what the Kat Dennings dragged in.
What are you still doing here? It seems my ex took my son to Phoenix to visit her mum without telling me.
So, apparently, I just flew to Vegas to use an airport toilet.
What are you still doing here? I'm gonna get a ride as soon as Serge pricing goes down.
How about now, Serge? Mm-mm.
Hey, Captain Dave.
The sadness that is usually on the inside is now on outside.
Ronnie said that the flight is delayed and I should blow off some steam, but I don't know how to do it.
Everything reminds me of Patricia, even you guys.
Artem, your long, beautiful hair.
Colin, your soft, feminine bone structure.
Captain, I know what you need.
Let me take you to a very special place, a place where you can think, reflect and relax.
A casino? This is where you go to think and reflect? Yeah, just listen.
It's like a thousand game shows having an orgy.
Exactly.
Everything in here is designed to distract you from thinking about anything else.
All that matter is right in front of you, Captain Dave.
What do you say? Just one roll? And see where it takes you.
CROUPIER: Shooter's up.
- Seven.
Winner.
- Oh![LAUGHS.]
What? Let's do it again.
Now, wait.
We must adhere to the powers of superstition.
Colin, what were you doing just before he rolled? Just leaning on the table and taking a drink.
Then you do exactly that and I stand here looking cool because that's what I was doing.
[BLOWS.]
CROUPIER: Yo, 11.
Winner.
- Wow! [LAUGHS.]
- Come on.
Looks like we're staying.
Hey, Serge, you can leave.
Okay.
Moving in with Bryan, pro/con list, page three.
Pro: Bryan is super thoughtful.
He said if we lived together, he would keep his fancy wine fridge stocked with cheap beer for me.
Aw.
He's not gonna change your trashy.
Mm-hmm.
Con: Sometimes he wears this Lenny Kravitz-y scarf he thinks is cool.
It's a grievance, not a deal breaker.
He knitted it himself.
Keep reading.
Pro: He has fancier shampoo than me and I can use it every day.
Con: He has fancier shampoo than me.
Okay, Ronnie, we've been at this for 30 minutes, and I got to say, you haven't listed one real reason why you shouldn't move in with Bryan.
Okay.
What about Bernard? He would be devastated if I left.
I'd be fine if you left.
Won't you miss my Sunday morning pancakes? Those were pancakes? I guess we can cross Bernard being devastated off your con list.
Sorry to interrupt your Mensa meeting, but we fixed the warning light issue, so I hope you sky trash are ready to go.
Oh, I'm ready to go after your next boyfriend.
This time make it a straight one.
Give me a challenge.
Okay, enough.
Caroline, we'll be ready.
Don't you worry.
Thank you.
[HISSES.]
Okay, she is looking for any reason to take us down.
We have to get moving.
Where is Dave? We can't go anywhere without a pilot.
- Not a clue.
- I should fly Delta.
- Five, winner! - [CHEERING.]
Unbelievable.
That's, like, ten winners in a row.
I know.
I kind of can't lose right now.
A roll like this is incredibly rare.
It's like a unicorn fighting another unicorn.
They're usually very friendly.
Oh, uh, just checking, this drink is free, too, right? Yes.
You don't need to ask me that every time.
Gosh, this must be how LL Cool J feels every day.
Probably not.
[LINE RINGING.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- I'll take it.
You just keep on rolling.
Hey, Captain Dave's telephone.
Artem speaking.
[CHEERING.]
Artem, where did you take Dave, and what is all that cheering? Oh, we're at the casino and he's playing craps.
Captain Dave is on fire, just like left-handed children in my village.
What?! No.
Our plane is ready.
We have to take off.
You need to get him back to the airport right now.
All right.
Hey, it's Ronnie.
She says she needs you back at the airport right now.
I just hit another winner.
I can't leave.
- Tell her I ain't going, baby.
- Okay.
- He says he's not coming.
- I said, "Ain't going, baby.
" ARTEM: He said he's not going, baby.
- Ain't going, baby! - He says I heard what he said.
But did you hear how he said it? - Yes! [LAUGHS.]
- [CHEERING.]
Dave's not coming back because he's on a run at a craps table? This is ridiculous.
He's been gone for five Oscar acceptance speeches.
One: I still can't believe that's how you keep time, and two: I am going to find Dave and drag him back here, - whatever it takes.
- Maybe I should go with you.
It was my mom he was dating.
Maybe I can talk some sense into him.
I already told you the plane is ready.
Why are you standing around like a bunch of thick-ankled moms at Disneyland? Oh, my God, Caroline, that joke was eczema-mazing.
Your wit, like your scalp, is bone-dry.
I'm so sorry, Caroline.
It's just gonna be another 15 minutes, I promise.
It's a personal matter.
I'm just having a lot of [GROANS.]
and it's just doing, like, a whole [BLOWS AIR.]
thing.
Fine, but if you're not back in 15 minutes, I'll have no choice but to report you.
What the hell with all the noises? I don't know, but whatever.
She's gone.
For 15 minutes.
That's not enough time to get to the Strip and back.
That's why we're tag-teaming this.
You stay here and stall Caroline.
Nichole and I will go get Dave.
Can you run in those? Are you serious? These are my gym heels.
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
Is there another way to go? We're kind of in a hurry here.
Ooh, that's another con FOR THE LIST: traffic.
Vegas has tons of traffic.
Traffic? We live in Los Angeles.
Yes, but our traffic has famous people.
At any given time, you could get into a fender bender with Steve Harvey.
Okay, Ronnie, what is going on with you? Why are you so scared to move in with Bryan? Because things seem to be going great.
Yeah, we're great now, but what about in six months? Hell, six days? You're worrying about things that haven't happened yet.
And if there is a problem, you guys will figure it out.
I won't.
My family sucks at relationships.
Growing up, I never saw a normal one.
It was always a disaster.
They all ended in divorce, jail, arson, and even worse, kids.
Well, it doesn't have to be that way with you.
I don't want to risk it.
Guess you have your answer, then.
- Yup.
- [DRIVER CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but if you're single now, I've got a great guy you should meet.
His name is Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, this place is packed.
How are we gonna find him? CROWD [CHANTING.]
: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - I think he's that way.
- Mm-hmm.
Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - Captain Dave! - Hey.
Guys, what are you still doing here? We have to get Dave back to the airport.
FIRST RULE OF GAMBLING: never interrupt a man during an epic roll of craps.
- Yes, just don't do it.
- Shh.
No.
Are you, are you drunk, Colin? Shh.
This isn't about me.
It's about Dave and me.
It's about me and Dave and just, the point is, every time I put my hand on the table and take a drink, he wins.
So just watch.
DAVE: What time is it? CROWD: Captain Dave time! What time is it?! Captain Dave time! - [LAUGHS.]
- [CHEERING.]
Hey, ladies! Aw, you made it.
Dave, I am so glad you're having fun, but you've got to go fly the plane.
Fun? No, it's way more than that.
This is the most alive I've felt since Patty and I broke up.
Look, Dave, I know you're winning a lot of money, - but - No, it's not about the money.
It's about this moment.
Something magical's happening, and I can't walk away from it.
I got to stay here and see this through.
I need this.
Please? [SIGHS.]
$20 on the hard ten.
CROUPIER: Hard ten! Winner! The birds are singing their song - Just for me - [ALL CHEERING.]
Together, their melody Is like a symphony from above Well, it's the wonderful life It's the wonderful life It's the wonderful life I'm dreaming of! Bernard! Shirley Temple Black.
Bernard, did you take a window to try and stall the plane? No.
I was trying to take a seat belt to stall the plane, and the window just fell out.
This is a terrible airline.
How are we not dead? Save it, Bernard.
You don't have a pilot, you don't have a full crew, you don't have any more time.
I'm calling this in.
Caroline, wait.
I'm truly sorry about what happened - with your boyfriend Steven.
- Mark.
We didn't do a lot of talking.
The point is, I was wrong to take him from you.
I should have respected what you two had.
So, why don't we stop fighting? If two boss bitches like us teamed up, we'd be unstoppable.
Come through, Caroline.
Burn in hell, you hairless cat.
[CAROLINE CRIES OUT.]
[ENTRY PAD BEEPING.]
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
I haven't thought this through.
Alan, get over here.
- Hey, Bernard.
- Shut up.
Now, stand here and make sure Caroline doesn't come out of the jetway, no matter what.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I'm helping.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING.]
Hey, what did I tell you? You had a bit of Vegas in you all along.
Not only do I have some Vegas in me, old friend, I've become Vegas.
My body is equal parts smoke, liquor, strip-club fliers, and Guy Fieri donkey sauce.
- Mwah.
- BERNARD: Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Bernard, what are you doing here? What happened to Caroline? - I locked her in the jetway.
- What? Don't act so surprised, Bakersfield.
At some point, every person in your family's been locked up.
What the hell are you still doing here? I'm sorry, Bernard, I got caught up in Dave's roll.
It is the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
Bernard, you made it.
Get in here - and let me feel the burn.
- Not now, Dave.
You're supposed to be flying back to Los Angeles right now.
You're right, I'm supposed to be flying a plane, because I'm ALL: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Ronnie, stop it! You're the wrangler.
Why aren't you wrangling? Bernard, this is no longer just about us.
Earlier today, this man told an entire plane of people that he didn't need love, and now look at this! He did this, and these people they love him.
Dave, they love you.
You hear that, Bernard? ALL: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - They love me.
- Captain Dave! Captain Dave I think I'm done.
Sorry, guys.
I've gotten everything I need here.
[CROWD SCREAMS.]
Okay, Bernard, let's do this.
We've got to free Caroline, beg for forgiveness, and get all these angry - people on the plane.
- Got it.
Bernard, didn't you say you locked her in the jetway? [GASPS.]
It got out.
[CAROLINE LAUGHING.]
And it's taunting us.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[BOTH GASP.]
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, guys.
Guess what we just did.
- That's okay.
- I will not.
Um uh so, we-we got our pilot back, and if it's okay with you, we-we're ready to go now, Caroline.
I'm gonna need 15 more minutes.
It's finally my turn.
Well, we're in the clear, but it'll be a little while before the plane is ready to go.
They're doing a floor-to-ceiling wipe-down of the front galley.
So, I guess it wasn't practical to burn the whole plane, then? Mm.
We are so lucky.
Today could have gone wrong a thousand different ways.
But it didn't.
And when fate pulls up and offers you a joyride, you can't walk away.
Yeah, but it was such a huge risk.
Of course it was a risk, Ronnie, but if you don't take any risks, you'll miss out on so many good things in life.
And the more things you try, the easier it is to figure out what you really want.
Let me know when Bernard snaps out of it.
I saw every muscle in Caroline's back.
Bryan.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I was just about to call you.
Well, I hadn't heard from you today, and I saw your flight was delayed, so, in order to get through security, I bought the cheapest ticket I could find.
Let me guess, Bakersfield? Bingo.
But it was worth the $18 just to see you.
I was a little worried that you might be freaking out - about this whole moving-in situation.
- Bingo.
Look, I know that it's a big step in a relationship, so, if we're moving too fast, we can take it a little slower.
So, here's a key to my place, and you can come and go as you please.
I'm not gonna need this.
Oh.
Well, that's harsh.
No, no, I'm not gonna need it because I want to move in with you.
Look, I am so terrified that I'm gonna screw this up.
But you are caring and thoughtful, and you love all my faults.
I like to think of them as quirks.
And that's why you're worth the risk.
Oh, wait, I guess I will need that key.
Actually, I'll need multiple copies because I will most likely lose it.
Great.
We'll make copies of the key I just gave you.
- I already lost it.
- Great.
- Then I'll change the locks to my house.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Colin, you have the beautiful afterglow of a man who has just consummated his relationship with Lady Vegas.
Well, she certainly had her way with me.
Oh, there's half a cigarette in my hair.
At least you know you did Vegas right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Artem, thanks for taking me to the casino.
You really helped me get my swagger back.
It's my pleasure, Captain Dave.
What are you gonna do with all your money? Hey, you should buy a PT Cruiser.
Imagine owning a car that people can only rent.
I already know what I'm gonna do.
I'm buying an engagement ring for Patricia.
COLIN: What? I thought today was all about getting over Patricia.
Oh, it was, but as I was standing at the craps table, in the middle of all those people chanting my name, it hit me.
I know I said I don't need love, but the truth is, I need love constantly.
All the time.
And proposing to Patricia will get you that? Well, I'm pretty sure not proposing won't.
Dave, I know we're all on a bit of a high from today, but this is a really big decision.
Will you keep it down? I'm on the horn with my ring guy.
Hey, Harry.
It's Dave Pratman.
I met another "the one.
" So give me the usual.
Thanks, buddy.
And Mazeltov, right back at you.
We are in crisis mode.
Dave is fresh off his breakup with Patricia, and post-breakup Dave is the worst Dave there is.
I thought "Hold the phone.
" "You've never heard of Fleetwood Mac" Dave was the worst Dave.
No, "I'm not a racist, but" Dave is the worst Dave.
I'm not a particular fan of "You were in my dream last night" Dave.
The only Dave I don't like is Dave Matthews.
It's like, "Ugh, finish the song.
" What's in the bag? Stuff to help him through this.
He's gonna be a mess, and it's up to us to get him back on his feet.
Colin, you give him those.
- Dave loves - Oh, these are disgusting.
To smell them.
They're decorative soaps.
And this is Unlikely Animal Friends, a photo book of interspecies animals cuddling to restore his faith in love.
Oh, I have similar book, but it's a cookbook.
Nichole, here are giant sunglasses so Dave can hide his puffy eyes from all the crying.
What am I giving him? You just have to pretend to care.
Ronnie, it's not called "pretend" when you're classically trained.
It's called "technique.
" Oh! Okay, uh, here he comes.
Everybody get ready.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, nerds.
What are we smiling at? David, I know this breakup was tough.
But I'm here for you.
When you hurt, I hurt.
Guys, I appreciate it, but the breakup is already behind me.
I'm really okay.
See you on board.
Wow.
I did not expect him to bounce back so quickly.
Do we really think he's okay? Who cares? I just left it all out on the stage, and for what? A pat on the back and "see you on board"? What a waste of a brave performance.
I'll be in my dressing room.
He has a dressing room? Oh, that's what he calls every bathroom he goes into.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Nichole, I need to talk to you about something, and I haven't told anyone yet.
It's okay.
I saw you sneeze into a pillow and give it to that guy.
We all have hard days at work.
Oh, no, that was intentional.
He told me I looked tired.
-Rude.
-So, Bryan asked me to move in with him.
Oh, my God, that's so great.
I mean, I get that offer all the time, but I'm not about to break up Dirk Nowitzki's marriage.
Our lives are different.
Look, I've never lived with anyone.
How do I know if I'm even ready? This is a huge decision, and I'm gonna see him this weekend.
I have to tell him something.
Okay, I get it.
This is big.
How do you normally make big life decisions? - Quickly and panicked.
- How's that working out for you? Not great.
You want to buy a moped? First thing you need to do is make a pro/con list.
I do them for just about everything.
"Should I dye my hair blonde? "Should I quit social media? Should I run for senate?" - Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to help me with the drink service, or stay here and play grab-ass with your little friend? [DOLPHIN CLICKING OVER COMPUTER.]
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
[WOMAN MOANS.]
Artem, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.
Oh, the fake English accent? Just drop it.
We like you for you, man.
No, this L.
A.
to Vegas commute.
It's killing me.
I don't understand the allure of this city.
There's something for everybody in Vegas.
And if you are put in the right situation, you would realize there's more Vegas in you than you ever imagined.
I think it's fair to say there's not an ounce of Vegas in me right now.
Oh, yes, there is.
I see it so clearly now, as I can see how you're gonna die.
Natural causes.
I'm really proud of how you're handling this breakup, Dave.
You're my hero.
Thanks, Alan.
I'm my hero, too.
You know, there's a term for my evolution.
It's called "emotional growth.
" I'm at a point in my life where I give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling and just let it go.
If you started a cult, I would leave mine and join yours.
Don't leave your cult for me.
You love Weight Watchers.
Okay, so what are we plugging today? Hey there, folks, Captain Dave here.
You smell that? That's love in the air.
And if you're feeling ready to make that special relationship official, head on down to Wed-Locked, Vegas' first escape room slash wedding chapel.
Oh, God.
[EXHALES.]
Folks, I'm gonna go off-script here and get real with you.
You know, I used to believe in love.
Then, I realized love sucks.
It's a total waste of time.
I'm done with it.
Artem, I need that book.
DAVE: Done.
- I don't need love anymore.
- Come on, Dave, let me in.
Lots of people don't have love, and they're doing great.
Like my friend Colin.
The pale gentleman in the tweed jacket.
He has the air of a widower, but really, he's just divorced.
Hey, Colin, let's you and me disappear into the woods and live off the land, sustaining ourselves on our shared hatred of romance.
Look at this one, Dave.
It's a German Shepherd and a baby owl.
He should be eating him, but they're touching noses.
So, to sum it all up, folks, I hate love.
[SIGHS.]
I don't need it, and neither does Colin.
- Right, Colin? - Right.
Just to be clear, Captain Dave and I are on very different emotional paths.
I'm not that lonely, I just like to read books.
- WOMAN [ON COMPUTER.]
: Ay, Papi.
- Come on, mate.
[DOLPHIN CLICKS.]
What the hell was that, Dave? That was a punch in the face called "truth.
" And your first taste of the new me.
It might get bitter.
Yeah? That's it.
So it looks like our flight to L.
A.
is going to be delayed.
Apparently, there's a warning light on in the cockpit they need to check out.
Do you know anything about this, Dave? - Why wasn't I enough? - [BANGING.]
- [ALARM BUZZING.]
- MALE VOICE: Warning.
Warning.
Nope.
Look, I know you're hurting right now, but you've got to pull it together.
You have a job to do, so while they're fixing this warning light, why don't you go blow off some steam and get your head right? I'm gonna go to Hudson News and tip over a rack of Nora Roberts novels.
If I can't have romance, no one can.
Bernard.
I should have known you were behind this delay.
Caroline, I knew I caught a waft of soup breath and eczema cream.
Listen, you sour-faced Contempo Casuals mannequin come to life, the gate agents are not taking the fall for this mess because you two screwed up.
You look like a moray eel with a wig.
You look like a Snapchat filter called "Ugly Tyrese.
" O-Okay, guys, let's not do this again.
Come on, we're all in it together.
The plane will be fixed soon, so UNTIL THEN: hands in, go team.
Know this, Bernard.
I'm going to get you.
And your little dog, too.
Why does she hate us so much? It's probably because I slept with her boyfriend.
I didn't want to, but I could, so I did.
Oh, hey.
Look what the Kat Dennings dragged in.
What are you still doing here? It seems my ex took my son to Phoenix to visit her mum without telling me.
So, apparently, I just flew to Vegas to use an airport toilet.
What are you still doing here? I'm gonna get a ride as soon as Serge pricing goes down.
How about now, Serge? Mm-mm.
Hey, Captain Dave.
The sadness that is usually on the inside is now on outside.
Ronnie said that the flight is delayed and I should blow off some steam, but I don't know how to do it.
Everything reminds me of Patricia, even you guys.
Artem, your long, beautiful hair.
Colin, your soft, feminine bone structure.
Captain, I know what you need.
Let me take you to a very special place, a place where you can think, reflect and relax.
A casino? This is where you go to think and reflect? Yeah, just listen.
It's like a thousand game shows having an orgy.
Exactly.
Everything in here is designed to distract you from thinking about anything else.
All that matter is right in front of you, Captain Dave.
What do you say? Just one roll? And see where it takes you.
CROUPIER: Shooter's up.
- Seven.
Winner.
- Oh![LAUGHS.]
What? Let's do it again.
Now, wait.
We must adhere to the powers of superstition.
Colin, what were you doing just before he rolled? Just leaning on the table and taking a drink.
Then you do exactly that and I stand here looking cool because that's what I was doing.
[BLOWS.]
CROUPIER: Yo, 11.
Winner.
- Wow! [LAUGHS.]
- Come on.
Looks like we're staying.
Hey, Serge, you can leave.
Okay.
Moving in with Bryan, pro/con list, page three.
Pro: Bryan is super thoughtful.
He said if we lived together, he would keep his fancy wine fridge stocked with cheap beer for me.
Aw.
He's not gonna change your trashy.
Mm-hmm.
Con: Sometimes he wears this Lenny Kravitz-y scarf he thinks is cool.
It's a grievance, not a deal breaker.
He knitted it himself.
Keep reading.
Pro: He has fancier shampoo than me and I can use it every day.
Con: He has fancier shampoo than me.
Okay, Ronnie, we've been at this for 30 minutes, and I got to say, you haven't listed one real reason why you shouldn't move in with Bryan.
Okay.
What about Bernard? He would be devastated if I left.
I'd be fine if you left.
Won't you miss my Sunday morning pancakes? Those were pancakes? I guess we can cross Bernard being devastated off your con list.
Sorry to interrupt your Mensa meeting, but we fixed the warning light issue, so I hope you sky trash are ready to go.
Oh, I'm ready to go after your next boyfriend.
This time make it a straight one.
Give me a challenge.
Okay, enough.
Caroline, we'll be ready.
Don't you worry.
Thank you.
[HISSES.]
Okay, she is looking for any reason to take us down.
We have to get moving.
Where is Dave? We can't go anywhere without a pilot.
- Not a clue.
- I should fly Delta.
- Five, winner! - [CHEERING.]
Unbelievable.
That's, like, ten winners in a row.
I know.
I kind of can't lose right now.
A roll like this is incredibly rare.
It's like a unicorn fighting another unicorn.
They're usually very friendly.
Oh, uh, just checking, this drink is free, too, right? Yes.
You don't need to ask me that every time.
Gosh, this must be how LL Cool J feels every day.
Probably not.
[LINE RINGING.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- I'll take it.
You just keep on rolling.
Hey, Captain Dave's telephone.
Artem speaking.
[CHEERING.]
Artem, where did you take Dave, and what is all that cheering? Oh, we're at the casino and he's playing craps.
Captain Dave is on fire, just like left-handed children in my village.
What?! No.
Our plane is ready.
We have to take off.
You need to get him back to the airport right now.
All right.
Hey, it's Ronnie.
She says she needs you back at the airport right now.
I just hit another winner.
I can't leave.
- Tell her I ain't going, baby.
- Okay.
- He says he's not coming.
- I said, "Ain't going, baby.
" ARTEM: He said he's not going, baby.
- Ain't going, baby! - He says I heard what he said.
But did you hear how he said it? - Yes! [LAUGHS.]
- [CHEERING.]
Dave's not coming back because he's on a run at a craps table? This is ridiculous.
He's been gone for five Oscar acceptance speeches.
One: I still can't believe that's how you keep time, and two: I am going to find Dave and drag him back here, - whatever it takes.
- Maybe I should go with you.
It was my mom he was dating.
Maybe I can talk some sense into him.
I already told you the plane is ready.
Why are you standing around like a bunch of thick-ankled moms at Disneyland? Oh, my God, Caroline, that joke was eczema-mazing.
Your wit, like your scalp, is bone-dry.
I'm so sorry, Caroline.
It's just gonna be another 15 minutes, I promise.
It's a personal matter.
I'm just having a lot of [GROANS.]
and it's just doing, like, a whole [BLOWS AIR.]
thing.
Fine, but if you're not back in 15 minutes, I'll have no choice but to report you.
What the hell with all the noises? I don't know, but whatever.
She's gone.
For 15 minutes.
That's not enough time to get to the Strip and back.
That's why we're tag-teaming this.
You stay here and stall Caroline.
Nichole and I will go get Dave.
Can you run in those? Are you serious? These are my gym heels.
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
Is there another way to go? We're kind of in a hurry here.
Ooh, that's another con FOR THE LIST: traffic.
Vegas has tons of traffic.
Traffic? We live in Los Angeles.
Yes, but our traffic has famous people.
At any given time, you could get into a fender bender with Steve Harvey.
Okay, Ronnie, what is going on with you? Why are you so scared to move in with Bryan? Because things seem to be going great.
Yeah, we're great now, but what about in six months? Hell, six days? You're worrying about things that haven't happened yet.
And if there is a problem, you guys will figure it out.
I won't.
My family sucks at relationships.
Growing up, I never saw a normal one.
It was always a disaster.
They all ended in divorce, jail, arson, and even worse, kids.
Well, it doesn't have to be that way with you.
I don't want to risk it.
Guess you have your answer, then.
- Yup.
- [DRIVER CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but if you're single now, I've got a great guy you should meet.
His name is Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, this place is packed.
How are we gonna find him? CROWD [CHANTING.]
: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - I think he's that way.
- Mm-hmm.
Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - Captain Dave! - Hey.
Guys, what are you still doing here? We have to get Dave back to the airport.
FIRST RULE OF GAMBLING: never interrupt a man during an epic roll of craps.
- Yes, just don't do it.
- Shh.
No.
Are you, are you drunk, Colin? Shh.
This isn't about me.
It's about Dave and me.
It's about me and Dave and just, the point is, every time I put my hand on the table and take a drink, he wins.
So just watch.
DAVE: What time is it? CROWD: Captain Dave time! What time is it?! Captain Dave time! - [LAUGHS.]
- [CHEERING.]
Hey, ladies! Aw, you made it.
Dave, I am so glad you're having fun, but you've got to go fly the plane.
Fun? No, it's way more than that.
This is the most alive I've felt since Patty and I broke up.
Look, Dave, I know you're winning a lot of money, - but - No, it's not about the money.
It's about this moment.
Something magical's happening, and I can't walk away from it.
I got to stay here and see this through.
I need this.
Please? [SIGHS.]
$20 on the hard ten.
CROUPIER: Hard ten! Winner! The birds are singing their song - Just for me - [ALL CHEERING.]
Together, their melody Is like a symphony from above Well, it's the wonderful life It's the wonderful life It's the wonderful life I'm dreaming of! Bernard! Shirley Temple Black.
Bernard, did you take a window to try and stall the plane? No.
I was trying to take a seat belt to stall the plane, and the window just fell out.
This is a terrible airline.
How are we not dead? Save it, Bernard.
You don't have a pilot, you don't have a full crew, you don't have any more time.
I'm calling this in.
Caroline, wait.
I'm truly sorry about what happened - with your boyfriend Steven.
- Mark.
We didn't do a lot of talking.
The point is, I was wrong to take him from you.
I should have respected what you two had.
So, why don't we stop fighting? If two boss bitches like us teamed up, we'd be unstoppable.
Come through, Caroline.
Burn in hell, you hairless cat.
[CAROLINE CRIES OUT.]
[ENTRY PAD BEEPING.]
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
I haven't thought this through.
Alan, get over here.
- Hey, Bernard.
- Shut up.
Now, stand here and make sure Caroline doesn't come out of the jetway, no matter what.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I'm helping.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING.]
Hey, what did I tell you? You had a bit of Vegas in you all along.
Not only do I have some Vegas in me, old friend, I've become Vegas.
My body is equal parts smoke, liquor, strip-club fliers, and Guy Fieri donkey sauce.
- Mwah.
- BERNARD: Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Bernard, what are you doing here? What happened to Caroline? - I locked her in the jetway.
- What? Don't act so surprised, Bakersfield.
At some point, every person in your family's been locked up.
What the hell are you still doing here? I'm sorry, Bernard, I got caught up in Dave's roll.
It is the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
Bernard, you made it.
Get in here - and let me feel the burn.
- Not now, Dave.
You're supposed to be flying back to Los Angeles right now.
You're right, I'm supposed to be flying a plane, because I'm ALL: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Ronnie, stop it! You're the wrangler.
Why aren't you wrangling? Bernard, this is no longer just about us.
Earlier today, this man told an entire plane of people that he didn't need love, and now look at this! He did this, and these people they love him.
Dave, they love you.
You hear that, Bernard? ALL: Captain Dave! Captain Dave! - They love me.
- Captain Dave! Captain Dave I think I'm done.
Sorry, guys.
I've gotten everything I need here.
[CROWD SCREAMS.]
Okay, Bernard, let's do this.
We've got to free Caroline, beg for forgiveness, and get all these angry - people on the plane.
- Got it.
Bernard, didn't you say you locked her in the jetway? [GASPS.]
It got out.
[CAROLINE LAUGHING.]
And it's taunting us.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[BOTH GASP.]
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, guys.
Guess what we just did.
- That's okay.
- I will not.
Um uh so, we-we got our pilot back, and if it's okay with you, we-we're ready to go now, Caroline.
I'm gonna need 15 more minutes.
It's finally my turn.
Well, we're in the clear, but it'll be a little while before the plane is ready to go.
They're doing a floor-to-ceiling wipe-down of the front galley.
So, I guess it wasn't practical to burn the whole plane, then? Mm.
We are so lucky.
Today could have gone wrong a thousand different ways.
But it didn't.
And when fate pulls up and offers you a joyride, you can't walk away.
Yeah, but it was such a huge risk.
Of course it was a risk, Ronnie, but if you don't take any risks, you'll miss out on so many good things in life.
And the more things you try, the easier it is to figure out what you really want.
Let me know when Bernard snaps out of it.
I saw every muscle in Caroline's back.
Bryan.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I was just about to call you.
Well, I hadn't heard from you today, and I saw your flight was delayed, so, in order to get through security, I bought the cheapest ticket I could find.
Let me guess, Bakersfield? Bingo.
But it was worth the $18 just to see you.
I was a little worried that you might be freaking out - about this whole moving-in situation.
- Bingo.
Look, I know that it's a big step in a relationship, so, if we're moving too fast, we can take it a little slower.
So, here's a key to my place, and you can come and go as you please.
I'm not gonna need this.
Oh.
Well, that's harsh.
No, no, I'm not gonna need it because I want to move in with you.
Look, I am so terrified that I'm gonna screw this up.
But you are caring and thoughtful, and you love all my faults.
I like to think of them as quirks.
And that's why you're worth the risk.
Oh, wait, I guess I will need that key.
Actually, I'll need multiple copies because I will most likely lose it.
Great.
We'll make copies of the key I just gave you.
- I already lost it.
- Great.
- Then I'll change the locks to my house.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Colin, you have the beautiful afterglow of a man who has just consummated his relationship with Lady Vegas.
Well, she certainly had her way with me.
Oh, there's half a cigarette in my hair.
At least you know you did Vegas right.
[CHUCKLES.]
Artem, thanks for taking me to the casino.
You really helped me get my swagger back.
It's my pleasure, Captain Dave.
What are you gonna do with all your money? Hey, you should buy a PT Cruiser.
Imagine owning a car that people can only rent.
I already know what I'm gonna do.
I'm buying an engagement ring for Patricia.
COLIN: What? I thought today was all about getting over Patricia.
Oh, it was, but as I was standing at the craps table, in the middle of all those people chanting my name, it hit me.
I know I said I don't need love, but the truth is, I need love constantly.
All the time.
And proposing to Patricia will get you that? Well, I'm pretty sure not proposing won't.
Dave, I know we're all on a bit of a high from today, but this is a really big decision.
Will you keep it down? I'm on the horn with my ring guy.
Hey, Harry.
It's Dave Pratman.
I met another "the one.
" So give me the usual.
Thanks, buddy.
And Mazeltov, right back at you.