Mad About You s01e14 Episode Script

I wanna be a part of it New York, New York Hurry it up, Frank.
I don't want to be late.
Murray, that is just so disgusting.
Come on.
Come on.
- What time are we supposed to be there? - Oh, ten minutes ago.
I really don't understand why we have to spend Valentine's Day with Mark and Fran and their devil child.
Because Fran lives for Valentine's Day.
She likes to invite all of her unattached friends - and, you know, attach them.
- I know, but we're already attached.
Exactly.
We're the happy couple.
We're the role models.
- We are? - Yeah.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what? Uh-oh, right now you are married to the wrong guy.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you - What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
It just came off in my hand.
All right.
You know what? I can do this.
This is a doable thing that can be done by me.
Go give me give me some tweezers.
- Straight or angle? - Honey.
Oh, and give me a Q-Tip, please.
- What are you gonna do with a Q-Tip? - I got water in my ear.
- Is it working? - No, I still hear like a sloshing thing.
No, this is not working.
You have bobby pins? - No.
- Floss? - Floss? - Yeah.
I once saw a MacGyver episode where he escaped from a missile silo - just using floss.
- I found floss.
- Waxed? - Yeah.
No good.
Tell you what.
Just get me the inner cardboard roll from the toilet paper three Band-Aids, a razor and two emery boards.
- What are you gonna do? - Make us a plane and fly us outta here.
- This will never work, and I'm freezing.
- Here, here, try these.
- Hey, who put this in the hamper? - I did.
This is still good! How do you feel about knocking the door down? - Go for it.
- I meant you.
Oh.
That's very different.
- No, forget it.
You'll kill yourself.
- Hey, I work out.
This building is still better built than you.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
I hurt myself.
- You know what the problem is? - You're a man, it's a door? No.
I can't get up enough You know, I can't move back far Well, no guy could, really.
There's no room to back up far enough to get a good running start.
Can't you just get up speed by running around in circles? That's truly the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- Why? - Because Circle You can't It could work.
Let me try.
Watch out.
I'm serious.
Get out of the way.
Seriously.
Jamie promised to come early and help make the passion punch.
Uh-huh.
Everyone always thinks Jamie's the dependable one - but you notice who's here on time.
- Yeah.
Well, she could have at least called.
Well, maybe you should call her.
Or not.
Everyone always thinks I'm the screw-up just because I don't have a job or a relationship and high school was the worst five years of my life.
But tonight could be your lucky night because Fran is a genius when it comes to fix-ups.
You'll see.
I invited a lot of nice, successful single men.
In other words, no one my type.
Thank you.
What, you couldn't find one neurotic, unemployed gay guy? - George Cavanaugh.
Sure! - She'll love him.
This is ridiculous.
Where is everyone? If we had the radio on too loud, they'd be here in three seconds.
We're gonna miss Fran's party.
What is the big deal with Valentine's Day? You know, it's a made-up holiday.
Nobody even knows who this St.
Valentine guy was.
He was a Roman priest who defended the Christians and was beheaded by Claudius II on February 14, 269 A.
D.
Yeah, I know, but when did the little candy hearts with the messages come in? In the middle of the 16th Century.
The Prussians made All right! But the point is The point is, I resent being told when to be romantic.
Why should I love you any more in the middle of February than I would on, say, August 21 st? To me, every day with you is Valentine's Day.
- You forgot to buy me a card.
- Is what I'm saying.
I have an idea.
Wait a second.
Here's what you need.
This.
I hate this apartment.
It's a shame 'cause it doesn't look like were movin too soon.
Hey, honey, let's just throw something out the window.
- No! You'll kill somebody! - I just want to get their attention.
What's the good of getting the attention of somebody you've concussed into a coma? - Concussed? - Concussed.
Yeah.
To give a concussion.
To cause to be concussed.
That's a word.
You could look it up.
Why don't we just drop something, but wrap it up to cushion it? See, now you're thinkin'.
Now you're very smart.
- I'm Mrs.
MacGyver.
- Exactly.
This way, it's weighted, but padded.
So there's no guilt, no injuries, no lawsuits.
Hey! There's our little Cupid! And who knows where his love arrows will land? Ryan! You know, I bet Paul talked Jamie out of coming.
- He does that.
- Oh, you're telling me.
Just because they get married, they think they have to spend all this time together.
Look at these girls.
Those breasts are not real.
Good for you.
You just figured out Victoria's big secret.
Well, I think it's just wrong.
You know what? This is really fun.
It's like painting on a little, tiny canvas.
- Honey, do you think she's sexy? - No.
Oh, come on.
No.
Really, no.
Truly, she just doesn't do anything for me.
What am I, stupid? You mean you never fantasize about me in one of these outfits? Sweetie, right now my biggest fantasy would be you in a tool belt on the other side of this door.
- Good work.
- What? Didn't you just give him a phone number? Yeah, for my therapist.
So you'll have something in common.
I can't believe they're not here yet.
First she twists my arm to come to this lousy party and then she leaves me here to suffer alone.
Paul and Jamie canceled on us three times in the last month.
They're always dumping me.
That's it.
I am never calling them again.
Me neither.
Come on, guys.
Give 'em a break.
It's Valentine's Day.
They're probably in each other's arms, happily locked away somewhere.
One, two I don't wanna! I changed my mind! Chicken.
I can't believe we missed Fran's party.
She's gonna kill me.
Good.
She'll have to open the door to do it.
You know, these catalog boys, they're not so hot.
You think this guy's good-looking? Yes.
Really? He's not better looking than me.
He's just better dressed.
I'm like one good pair of chinos away from being this guy.
I can't believe they haven't come looking for us.
If Lisa, Mark or Fran were supposed to show up here, you'd go looking for them.
Actually I mean, what kind of friends do we have? We obviously have very bad friends.
Oh, thank God! Tums! Did you just thank God for antacids? These have precious nutrients.
Their bodies were found dead, but mysteriously loaded with calcium.
Okay, there's eleven.
That's five for you and six for me.
- How do you figure that? - I found them.
They were in the medicine cabinet.
It's not like you had to hunt for them and kill them with your bare hands.
- You want yours now or later? - Just, you know Just give me one 'cause we should space these out.
Good idea.
It's like Swiss Family Robinson.
Except for our families aren't here and we're not named Robinson.
And frankly, we're not so Swiss.
Oh, honey, we'll get out of here.
Don't cry.
That wasn't me.
I thought that was you.
- Murray! Oh, Murray! - I forgot all about him.
- Murray will save us.
- How? Oh, good boy! Good boy.
Oh, I really hope that's Murray.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Listen.
Murray, we need you to go get help.
- Oh, come on.
- He can do this.
Murray, all you gotta do is go to the front door, okay? And use your paws to turn the knob and go down the hall to the elevator and push the button with your nose.
Then get in the elevator and you press L for lobby.
Right.
L for lobby.
And then you go down to the lobby and you go to the doorman, Eddie.
You know Eddie.
Yeah, that's right.
He smells like wool, and he's got the epaulettes.
And you tell him the Buchmans are trapped in 11 -D.
Honey, you're talking to Murray.
He gets confused playing fetch.
Don't you listen to her, Murray.
You can do it.
You wanna go over it one more time? Oh, look, he's going.
He understood.
Good boy! Good Oh, bad boy.
Bad! - Go! Go get help! - He's so dumb.
- He's not dumb.
- I love him, but he's dumb.
- Scared of his own shadow and dumb.
- He's just getting back at us for all the times we made him him wait to go out and we didn't feed him on time.
That's right, honey.
I'm sure he's motivated by revenge.
Face it.
We're never getting out of here.
We're marooned in the middle of ten million people.
It's ironic.
It's like a desert island but with tiling.
Did you ever make up a list of the books you'd like to take to a desert island? You know what I don't understand about that list? Is it supposed to be books that you love? Your favorite books? Or books you always wanted to read, but never got a chance? Boy, is my tongue chalky.
'Cause now you're on a desert island, you got nothing but time.
But if you don't like the books, then you're stuck.
You wish you brought your favorites.
It's a conundrum.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- So? So I can't.
Actually, that's the one thing you can do in this room.
Not with you here.
- Oh, stop it.
We're married.
- No.
- Come on.
I do it in front of you.
- I know, and I hate it.
- I did not know that.
- Well, now you do.
Hey, we're gonna be together forever.
It's gonna happen eventually.
Not if I can help it.
Now get in the tub plug your ears, pull the curtain and sing.
Sing? Sing what? - I don't care.
Whatever you want.
- Do you have any requests? Something loud and up tempo.
- Perhaps a show stopper? - Yes.
And hurry.
- How about Brigadoon? - Fine.
I don't really know Brigadoon.
- I don't care.
- I know King and I.
- Just sing! - All righty.
What are you staring at there? - My pores.
- What pores? I've been enjoying your face for several years.
I never once noticed any pores.
That's because I take care of them before they become noticeable.
- Oh, right.
The Incredible Hulk mask.
- Yeah.
- You wanna try it? - Thank you, no.
You should, you know.
You could use it.
- What do you mean? - I mean you have clogged pores.
- Since when? - Since I met you.
- How come you never said anything? - Because I love you.
- Let me give you a facial.
- Really? No.
- Come on.
You'll enjoy it.
- I don't think so.
- Come on.
- I'm already not enjoying it.
Oh, good.
Relax! Boy, this is bringing back some very painful childhood memories.
What, did your parents punish you by giving you a facial? No, my sisters.
When I was little they used to practice putting makeup on me.
Really? Did they dress you up too? Just once.
And I was damn cute, I'll tell you that.
What is in this stuff? "Aloe, lemon, avocado.
" Oh, my God.
Tastes very much like chicken.
- Why don't you just call them? - No.
I had Jamie every year to this party when she was single and this is the thanks I get.
Hey, looks like Lisa found somebody.
It's great to finally meet you.
Fran has not stopped raving about you.
Really? Well, it's nice to meet you too.
So tell me, what's it like breeding racehorses? I don't know.
Fun? Well, from what Fran says, fun's your middle name.
- What's my first name? - Stephanie.
No.
Lisa.
Oh! Fran told me all about you too.
Excuse me.
- Wanna play hangman again? - No, I don't wanna play any more games.
Is your foot asleep? My My foot, my leg and my right buttock.
Honey, I'm bored.
You know, I'm really, really bored.
Well, what do you want? We've played every game.
We've read everything there is to read.
We've counted the tiles 11 times.
What else is there left to do? You wanna? I don't know.
You wanna? If you wanna.
Now what are we gonna do? I don't know.
What do you want to do? Anything that takes more than five minutes.
Okay, so the earth didn't move.
The bath mat didn't even move.
I told you.
My leg was half asleep.
You're right, honey.
I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.
All right.
- Sweetie? - Hmm? - Do you have any more Tums? - Yes.
- But I'm saving them.
- But I'm really hungry.
Well, you should have thought of that while you were scarfing down yours.
But no, you wanted to eat them right away, so now Give me a Tums or I'll leave you.
Lisa, will you please mingle? You're bringing down my average.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's hopeless.
We have got to work on that negative attitude.
I am taking you on as a personal challenge.
Thanks, but I think I'll go cry at Paul and Jamie's, then I'll head home.
You don't have a Valentine! You don't have a Valentine! Oh, Ryan, please have some compassion.
Ryan! What did I tell you about arrows and eyes? I'm Andrew.
I'm Lisa.
Do you like carriage rides through Central Park, Lisa? I love them.
Especially when I'm with someone.
I don't think I've ever stared at you for this many hours in a row before.
- And? - We may be pushing it.
- Was that your last one? - Yes, it was.
- I guess you got your wish.
- What wish? - No Valentine's Day.
- I never said I didn't want Valentine's Day.
I just said I don't need the chocolates and the flowers and the big fuzzy cards.
Last year you gave me chocolates and flowers, and we went dancing.
- Yeah, 'cause I was still wooing you.
- And now? Now I got you.
Don't you understand? That's why guys get married.
So they can stop wooing.
It's exhausting to woo.
You know, you woo, you woo and you woo and then you gotta go, "Whoa.
" Still Come on, Jamie.
You know I love you, right? Yes, I know, but once in a while it would be nice to have some grand romantic gesture.
A well-doneJohn's Pizza with garlic.
Two.
We'll get two.
One for each of us.
- We'll stuff ourselves till we're sick.
- We can't get sick.
We got enough antacid in us to eat an entire deli.
Murray? What How did you - Mark, it's Murray! - Our accountant? What the hell's he doing here at this hour? Murray, what happened? Where are Paul and Jamie? They're where? In the well? - In the mine shaft? - They don't go to bars.
Mark, please! Murray, go on.
Oh, my God.
Paul and Jamie are trapped in the classroom.
In the bathroom? Paul and Jamie are trapped in their bathroom? Okay.
Let's go, Murray.
You lead the way.
In front!