Malibu Country (2012) s01e14 Episode Script

Dumb.
Dumb.
Dumb.
Uh, report cards didn't come today, did they? No.
I gotta find a birthday gift for mama.
Aww.
That's so sweet, Reba.
Just think.
Pretty soon, my brand-new baby daughter will be doing the same thing for me.
And hopefully she'll understand that diamonds are always appropriate.
Okay.
What did you kids get for your grandma? - Me? - Mm-hmm.
Ohh.
Oh, man.
Something Awesome.
When is it again? Saturday, Cash.
Uh-huh.
I'm just gonna Oh! I know what you should get her.
You could get her Botox.
I know a guy.
Truth is, I-I know a lot of guys.
I gotta find the perfect gift for mama.
Boy, she's been my rock for me this past year.
I didn't think she'd fit in out here, but she's really taken a likin' to Malibu.
And I gotta find that gift that says just that.
Why don't you get her a membership at the nudist colony? She already has one.
Um, I don't want to brag, but nobody's gonna beat my gift.
You know how she loves to sit out on the deck and watch the fishing boats? Yeah.
I mean, I used to like that, too, till I got mooned by a bunch of drunken Norwegians.
Well, I got her a half-day fishing trip on one of those charters.
Oh, that's genius.
Oh! Hey, how about I, uh, kick in a little dough, and you and I give her that together? And can you lend me a little dough? Show some effort, Cash.
How about I kick in a little dough, and you and I give her that together? And I actually have the dough.
I'm sorry, mom, but this is my gift to her.
Okay, fine.
I'm just gonna remind you that I was in labor with you for 19 hours, but, uh, whatever.
? Walkin' with my head high ? ? soakin' up the sunshine ? ? la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet ? Hey, mama.
How was bowling? It was glorious, Reba.
The Alley Cats kicked butt yet again, anchored as always by the unbeatable combination of Arnold And Lillie Mae and a whole lot of beer.
Whoo! Mama, you've had that ball forever.
Oh, I have.
Yeah.
'Bout time for a new one, don't you think? Reba, bowling balls improve with age.
They are the wine of sporting equipment.
Well What about a backup? Wouldn't it be fun to have two balls? Okay.
I-I've got four jokes in response to that.
But I'm gonna pass due to your prudish nature.
Okay.
Five.
No, now enough about balls.
I've got big news.
Okay.
If the Alley Cats win tomorrow night, that will advance us to the finals against the Tornados.
Oh, my gosh.
That's fantastic.
It gets better, baby.
One of my teammates Helen who, frankly, sucks Won't be there because she's having a little saline added to her fake boobs.
And this is where you come in.
Shouldn't a doctor take care of that? You're gonna bowl for Helen.
Uh-huh.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Well, come on, Reba.
You're a great bowler.
You learned from the master me.
I don't know, mama.
You're so competitive.
And all that trash talking.
Oh, it's mortifying watching you harass the bowlers and the waitresses and the guy that sprays the shoes.
Didn't you ask me just last week what I wanted for my birthday? Yes.
Well, what I want is one night where I get to show off my bowling protege and get our team to the championship against the hated Tornados.
Wouldn't you just rather have a new bowling ball? Well, I don't need two balls.
But it wouldn't hurt you to grow a pair.
Hey, guys.
I want you to meet my daughter Reba.
Hey.
Reba, this handsome young chap is Dallas.
I'm honored to meet the acorn that fell from this mighty oak.
Wow.
Thank you, Dallas.
Nice to meet you, too.
All right, let's rock this 'vent like we're in the pope's greenroom, right? Hey, okay.
Yeah.
- I have no idea what that means.
- I don't either.
Uh, this is Rikki.
Rikki, this is my daughter Reba.
Hi, Rikki.
Reba, you're the singer.
Can I give you my demo? You know, to give to your record label.
Oh, you're a singer, too? Mm.
I dabble.
I mean, I'm a lawyer by trade, but on weeknights I take a screenwriting course, and on weekends I teach a screenwriting course.
Oh.
Here.
Already got one.
Oh.
What's that? I'll let him know.
Hey, hey.
The gutter just called, said it cannot wait to meet your ball.
Mama, knock it off.
Let the poor guy bowl.
Oh, stop.
It's all in good fun.
Hey, you should put that toupee on that bowling ball.
It would look a lot more natural.
Ooh-hoo.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Ah! That's it.
Oh, come on now.
You're up.
All you need now is a strike to win this thing and get us into the finals against the Tornados.
I've been hitting on the weak side.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I do.
This lane is over oiled.
That's why your ball isn't hooking like it should.
Take a half step to the left and aim for the third mark.
But that's not my normal stance.
Oh, damn it.
Who taught you to bowl? Okay.
Just more to the left and roll the damn ball.
- Okay.
- Good luck, Reba.
Oh, zip it, baldy.
Whoo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoo-hoo! Oh, lord, if you're thinking of taking me anytime soon, tonight would be just fine with me.
Whoo-hoo! Hey, Rikki.
What are you doing here? Hello, Reba.
I just wanted to drop off a little thank-you gift for bowling with us last night.
- Aww.
Come on in.
- Oh.
Thank you very much.
You didn't have to buy me flowers.
Oh, I didn't buy them.
They're from my flower arranging class.
Well, thank you, but I'm the one who should be buying you flowers.
That's the most fun I've had since I moved to Malibu.
And that includes watching Charlie Sheen run naked down the beach.
Ah! Classic Charlie.
So Maybe you would like to bowl again with us at the championship on Saturday? How come? Helen need some more saline? No, no, no, no.
Helen will be there.
There's someone else we have to replace.
Oh, and I like Dallas.
No.
Lillie Mae.
We're kicking her off the team.
You want to kick mama off the team? But she's your best player.
I mean, she lives for the Alley Cats.
I mean, bowling with you guys is the highlight of her week.
Well, that and "Castle.
" Reba, this is Malibu.
Winning isn't as important as sportsmanship.
Oh, and looking good.
Mama just likes to give the opposing team a little good-natured razzin'.
Last week she made a Navy seal cry.
Anyway, we all talked about it, and we want you to replace Lillie Mae.
Forget it.
I'm not gonna betray my mama by taking her place on the team.
That's too bad, because whether or not you decide to join us, Lillie Mae is out.
Oh, boy.
If you didn't like her antics on the bowling alley, wait till you see how she reacts when you tell her she's off the team.
Good point.
I'll text her.
No! You can't text her.
I'll tell her.
Oh, good.
I was hoping you would say that.
Oh, and you know what? When you decide to redo your house, I have my decorator's license.
- I like it just the way it is.
- You do? Okay.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Charlie Sheen Ohh.
Ew.
So did you figure out what you're gonna get grandma for her birthday? Actually, I did, and it's It's a home run, a touchdown, and a slam dunk combined.
Cool.
So what is it? I don't know if I should tell you.
I, uh, don't want you to get jealous.
It's not a competition, Cash.
Come on.
What'd you get her? Okay, all right.
Check this out.
So so I found this great picture online.
It's only $11.
So I'm gonna get it and I'm gonna frame it.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
What's it a picture of? A fishing boat.
Cash, you are totally stealing my idea.
It's not a competition, June.
Look, I'm giving her artwork.
You're giving her four hours on a crowded, smelly boat full of drunk guys.
What a load of bull.
Your gift is tangentially related to mine.
Every time you're losing an argument, you resort to math.
You cannot give her that picture.
I can so give her that picture.
Cash, it's my idea! - It's not your idea! - Yes, it is! What are you guys yelling about? Cash stole my gift idea for grandma.
- I did not.
- Yeah, you did! No, I didn't! Okay, knock it off! A birthday gift is supposed to come from a place of love.
We are a family.
We do not stab each other in the back! We are not flower-arranging Alley Cats who teach screenwriting! Did you follow that? I did not.
Oh, Reba.
You shoulda seen me practicing tonight at the bowling alley.
I was in the groove, baby.
Reba, what's wrong? Mama, I got some bad news.
Oh, no.
Did they cancel "Castle"? No.
Rikki stopped by.
Mama, they're kicking you off the team.
What? I don't understand.
Well, apparently, your trash talking got to 'em too much, and they're kicking you off the team.
I'm sorry.
Oh-ho! They're kicking me off the team right before the championship? They wouldn't even get to the championship if it weren't for me.
I'd like to see who they get to fill my shoes.
Well, that's the funny thing about it.
They asked if, uh, I would take your place.
Oh, well, now that's crazy.
Yeah, I know.
Right? They could never win with you.
It's not that crazy.
Well I mean, I am a pretty good bowler.
I remember beating you one time.
Ha! When you were 15, and I threw that game.
I wanted to give your self-esteem a little boost after Craig Kennedy dumped you.
Craig Kennedy did not dump me.
I dumped him.
And you did not throw that game.
You lost it.
Look, baby, what's important here is not your incorrect memory of a romantic failure and a fake sports victory.
What's important is that you didn't say yes to the Alley Cats.
So you won't embarrass yourself on Saturday night.
Well, maybe I should say yes.
Then your birthday present will be a piece of humble pie.
Why don't you go for it? I'll even let you use Arnold.
You're gonna need all the help you can get.
Okay, Arnold.
It's a date.
You and I are gon' get us a trophy.
Oh, think about it.
It's gonna be such a new experience for him.
He's never seen the gutter before.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Cash, I've been thinking about our gifts for grandma, and you're right.
It's not a competition.
You should definitely give her that picture of a boat.
Yeah.
Here's the problem with that.
Turns out it wasn't a picture of a boat.
It was an actual boat.
And it wasn't $11.
It was $11,000.
What? Cash, didn't you read the ad? I think it's fairly obvious the answer to that question is no.
Ugh.
What am I gonna do? We're supposed to give her the gifts later tonight, and I got nothin'.
Don't worry.
You'll come up with something.
You're very creative.
Ready for your big night, mom? I am so ready.
And so am I.
Mama, are you wearin' a bowling shirt? Oh, no.
Not just any bowling shirt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's goin' on here? When the Tornados heard about me gettin' stabbed in the back by my team, they dumped one of their guys and they drafted me.
Now give me back my man.
Wait.
Does that mean that we're gonna be playing against each other? You're a Tornado? Yes, I am.
Welcome to Oz My little pretty.
So you've met Helen and her re-inflated tires.
Yes, I've met Helen.
Okay, listen, don't let her bother you.
She's just a little miffed about what happened, okay? Okay.
Lillie Mae, I swear, I had nothing to do with you getting kicked off the team.
I wasn't even consulted.
Oh, I'm over it, Helen.
Oh, good.
Oh, my goodness.
H-honey, is it just me, or is one of those puppies a little bigger than the other? What? You know, I hope that imbalance doesn't affect your game.
I'm gettin' in your teammate's head through her boobs.
Mama, I'm warning you.
Don't start your trash talking tonight.
And what if I do? Well, I may just have to give you a little taste of your own medicine.
Oh, you? You couldn't talk trash with a garbage man.
So any new gift ideas for grandma? Not yet, but I been hitting the soda hard, and that's usually when my best ideas come.
Well, there's a bowling shop here.
Maybe you could look around in there? I did, and I casually asked grandma if she needed any ball polish.
But she just cracked up and walked away.
How's the match going? Well, grandma's team won the first game.
And mom's won the second.
Whoever wins this one wins the match.
Either way, it's gonna be a fun car ride home.
Hang on, mama.
I'll get 'em to bring up the kiddy bumpers for you.
Mama.
Reba, will you stop with the trash talking? You're as bad as your mother.
I'm not as bad.
I'm better.
Ain't gonna happen, granny.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Oh, hey, were you saying something, sweetheart? I could not hear a word over the sound of crashing pins.
Sit down, crazy lady.
Listen, it all boils down to you.
We need eight pins to tie and nine pins to win.
So come on.
Focus.
I'm fine.
No, you're rattled.
She's got you trash-talking like her.
This is what Lillie Mae does.
She gets in people's heads.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.
She was in my head.
Now she's out of my head.
I'm focused.
Okay? Watch this.
Whoa.
Is that Craig Kennedy? Yes! Yes! Yes! You have another roll.
You have another roll.
Don't worry about it.
I've just about had enough of you.
Oh, and by the way, the owner called.
He appreciates you going easy on the pins.
Would you stop it? Is winning really that important to you? Yeah.
Why? You wouldn't understand.
Mama, what is it? Bowling is part of who I am.
Life is different for you.
You have an identity.
You can sing like nobody's business.
Well, thank you very much, but you have an identity, too.
No, not really.
My whole life, I've always been somebody's daughter, somebody's mother.
But here at the bowling alley, people look at me, they say, "there goes Lillie Mae Mackenzie.
Ooh, she kicks ass.
" Do you want me to tell you what I think your identity is? You're a fearless woman.
Mama, I was scared to death when we made the move out here.
But with you by my side, I knew I could do it.
You're not scared of anything.
Well, except parrots.
Well, except parrots.
Yeah.
I mean, they should not be able to talk, Reba.
They are an abomination.
Mama, you said that I didn't understand.
Well, I do.
For years I felt like I was nothin' more than Bobby Gallagher's wife.
And then we split up, and I had a new identity.
I was Bobby Gallagher's ex.
And who do you think finally convinced me that I was more than that? You did.
I had to do something.
You were moping around like you were a dog who'd lost her chew toy.
Mama, the point is, you're my rock.
I count on you more than anybody else in this world.
And you don't have to win at bowling to have an identity.
Thank you, baby.
I should never have competed with you, because you are the only trophy I need in my life.
Mama.
Reba, come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to pass.
If you don't bowl, we forfeit.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
You listen to me, Reba Mackenzie.
You are not gonna quit on your team.
You go back over and finish that game or this rock is gonna come down on your head.
I just don't have it tonight.
Take a half a step to the right.
What? They did not oil the lanes before the match.
Go back to your original approach, and your ball is gonna hook in there like gangbusters.
Oh! Whoo! Whoo! We win! We win! We win! We win! We win! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What just happened? I don't know, baby.
You just might suck at bowling.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo.
Parrots.
Oh, June.
I love it.
You've been watching me watch those fishing boats, - haven't you? - Yep.
And now you can fish.
Well, I can't wait to catch a big ol' tuna and then moon Kim.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Mwah.
Cash, you ready to give grandma your gift? Limes.
Well, somebody grab the Tequila and salt.
No, I-it's not limes, grandma.
It's it's a juggling kit.
I'm-a teach you to juggle.
Oh, Cash.
Do that again.
I love that.
Okay.
I've always wanted to juggle.
Oh.
You have the most imaginative gifts.
Ohh.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
To be honest, it was June's suggestion.
Aww.
To have me go in on the fishing boat thing.
But I like to come up with ideas myself.
Well, I think these are the best birthday gifts I have ever gotten.
And I just love you so much, and I cannot be happier than being right here.
Well, I'm glad you're happy, mama, but if you think about it, I didn't give you anything.
What are you talking about? Baby, you got me this.