Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e14 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot.
Welcome, friends, to the temple of suds.
If you're ready now, throw down your forks and come forward and have your soul cleansed in the Joy to come.
I've got some good news and some bad news.
First, the bad news.
This sucker's hot.
But now the good news.
Tonight we'll be having a jacuzzi.
Yea, yow Yea, yea.
( mumbling ): every single time.
Oh, man.
( growls ) Mindy, why are you mad at your coat? Because my watch stopped.
Ah, and you suspect your coat? No.
My watch stopped and I got a ticket.
Oh, on Ork when our watch stopped we only get a warning and they take away Mickey's hands.
See, I was parked in this no-parking-after-6:00 zone with my jeep and I got back late because of this stupid watch.
I got a $15 ticket.
Oh, that doesn't sound fair.
It's not.
Then don't pay the ticket.
We're with ya.
Right on, mama.
I've got to, it's the law.
Who made that law? I don't know, the town council or something.
Who said they could do it? The people that voted them into office.
What people? You know, the people of Boulder Dad, Grandma, me, you know.
Boy, that's stupid, you voted to give yourself a ticket.
Yeah, I guess indirectly I did, didn't I? See, in a democracy, everybody votes and then the majority wins.
Oh, I vote we adopt Dolly Parton.
( chuckles ) Do I win? No, with two people, you can't have a winner.
Oh, sounds like democracy will never replace bobbing for French fries.
Look, Mork, I'm not an authority on these things.
If you have questions, you really should go out and ask other people and get other opinions.
May I ask you just one more question? Sure.
Why didn't I win with one vote? Well, that's because you need at least three people to vote.
That way you've always got somebody to break the tie.
What if someone votes twice? No, in a democracy you can only vote once.
What a primitive system.
On Ork, we have a much more sophisticated way.
If somebody wants to be President, we just say, "Sure, go ahead, it's cool.
" Grandma! Pops! Still no luck, eh? No.
Mindy, I finished my observations of the migration of the North American wino, which was easy because he didn't move very far.
I can take you home now.
Oh, Mork, I can't.
Susan Taylor invited me by her shop.
She's gonna have a makeup demonstration.
And she wants me to be the model.
Oh, like the ones in Playboy.
( high pitched voice ): Hi, my name is Candy.
My hobbies are body surfing and neutron physics and I hope to one day know the entire Los Angeles Rams.
Not exactly.
She's only working from the chin up.
Oh.
Anyway, I'm gonna get a new face.
A new face.
Well, can I have your old one? ( chuckles ) Listen, I'll see you at home later.
Ciao.
Bye, everybody.
One two We can play democracy.
Come on, everybody's doing it.
Do the vote! We've got three of us.
We can vote on something.
But we have nothing to vote on.
Well, we can vote to adjourn then.
All in favor, say "ear.
" That's "aye.
" Oh.
Well, that's two.
That's a majority.
We win.
Let's pack it in.
I don't want to play.
Oh, come on, we'll let you vote first.
We have enough to break your majority.
( mutters ): Republican.
Want to have some fun? You can file these classical albums.
I'll be in back if you need me.
Well, let's see, albums would be under "A.
" That was easy, but not fun.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't understand.
We don't fix cellos here, we sell 'em.
This is a music store.
( Russian accent ): Da, you keep cello.
Look, I know where you can get it fixed.
What's wrong with it? Nothing.
That's why I think you could handle job.
Well, look, if you change your mind, here's the address of the repair shop and good luck.
Oh, very much, thank you.
You're welcome.
( speaks Russian ) Nanu-nanu.
Oh, you speak English! You speak lousy.
Is because I'm not from here around.
I am from very far away.
I am alien.
Leapin' lizards, so am I! Mork from Ork.
Nanu-nanu.
Sergei from Slavisgrad.
Slavisgrad.
Is that near Alpha Centuri? No.
Ork, is that near Minsk? No, you got me by the shorts there.
Unless that's the one with eight moons.
Well, where are you living now? I do not yet find place to live.
That's why I leave cello here.
Sleeping in park is okay for me, but not for cello.
I know what it's like.
It was pretty hard for me when I blew into town, too.
Do you have to make reports of what you observe here? Spy? No, I am magician and student.
I play in the sympathy.
But I don't get first paycheck for couple weeks.
Oh, you're lucky.
I have to report back to this fat dude named Orson.
He's the one that made me come here.
Oh, no one make Sergei Krushnev come here.
I wanted to be part of this democracy, ja.
You know about democracy? Oh, ya, I study this, mm-hmm.
Mindy and I are forming a democracy.
Leaping lizards.
No faking? Yes.
And you could be a third so we can vote and I can ask you questions.
You can come and live with us.
Oh, I don't want trouble on you.
Oh, no trouble, no trouble.
Mindy'll be happy when she finds out about this.
Who is this Mindy? Oh, she's the girl I live with.
Are you married? No, but don't bother about it.
Neither is she.
Oh.
Well, what do you think? Holy Moley.
Such beautiful apartment.
You must have big bucks, huh, Mork? Bet you are American rock star, huh? Hey, do you, do you have many pairs of Levis? Ja? Listen, do you, do you know the Beach Boys? How 'bout Chuck Berry? Hey ( sings ) Long distance information Give me Memphis, Tennessee Hey! Oh.
Who's your friend? Mindy McConnell, meet Sergei Krushnev.
Mindy, Sergei, Mind, Serg, Mi, Se, Mm, Ss.
Nanu-nanu.
Oh, I see you've spent some time with Mork here.
Oh, yes, he show me so many things about your customs, you know? ( whistles ) Sergei, Sergei, lighten up.
So, what do you think? How do you like my new face? Oh, boy, what great country.
You don't like face, you get new one.
Ha.
Same face, new paint job.
Yeah, I knew it'd knock your socks off.
So, what do you do? Oh, I am student and cello player, mm-hmm.
Oh.
Sergei's going to be part of our democracy.
Oh, that's great.
Listen, you're going to love living in this country.
No, I mean our democracy.
Sergei's gonna be our third, so we can vote.
He's gonna live with us.
Ja.
Can I talk to you for a moment? I think we should vote on that.
I vote no, what do you think, Sergei? I'm with you, Mork.
Two to one, you lose.
( gritted teeth ): I want to talk to you.
( gritted teeth ): We just voted on that.
( gritted teeth ): Now Oh, that's a different story.
Please to excuse me, where may I find laboratory please for me? Oh.
You mean the restroom.
It's right through there.
Oh, a bed! I never saw a restroom where you could really rest.
Boy, this America, really out of state.
What have you done? I got us a third for democracy.
You just can't invite anyone to come live here.
I know that.
We'll vote on it.
Oh, no, we won't.
I pay the rent and I say he can't stay.
Oh, I see.
The one with the money controls the votes.
That's not it.
Mindy, you don't understand.
You see, Sergei's sleeping outside on a bench and he's got a violin with a gland condition.
Well, Mork, you can't just go and Mindy, I don't think our democracy's working too well.
Let's have a dictatorship instead, okay? I'll be the tyrant and you'll be the peon.
Huh? Huh? Can I be the tyrant? Huh? Can I be the tyrant? Come on, now.
Yeah, this is wonderful country.
In Russia, I have to sleep with 11 brothers, but tonight, three in one bed.
Is too much, I tell you.
( singing in Orkan ) ( chanting in Orkan ) What are you doing down here in your pajamas? Well, I slept in the guest room so Sergei could have the penthouse.
Can I talk to you for a minute about Sergei? You asked for it, you got it I'm listening.
Look, Mork.
Sergei seems like a nice guy, but you just you just can't go inviting your friends to live here.
Well, you told me to go out and ask people questions.
Not questions like, "Do you want to come home and live with me?" Oh, I get it.
You feel left out.
Well, you can ask one of your friends home.
Then there'll be four of us.
But then it wouldn't work.
I guess democracy only works with odd numbers.
That's not the point.
He's a stranger.
But I was a stranger and you brought me home.
Yeah, you're even stranger now.
Anyway, that was a special case.
You really needed help.
Well, Sergei needs our help.
You're right.
Yes, he does.
And you can help him find an apartment.
Show him around Boulder.
Make him feel like he belongs.
Oh, be sort of an extraterrestrial welcome wagon.
Yeah.
I'll take some money out of my savings account and lend it to Sergei until he gets on his feet and then he can pay me back whenever he can.
Oh, you know something, Mindy? You're a real wurble.
Thanks I think.
Anyway, if you have any problems, you can reach me at the store.
Okay? Kay-o.
There won't be any problem.
We're like two fish out of water.
Yes, you are.
I'll see you later.
( clanging ) Come and get it 'fore I slop it to the hogs! Rocky Mountain High Cincinnati Oh, is time for vittles, ha-ha.
( speaks Russian ) Howdy, partner.
You like cowboy movies, too? Oh, yes.
Where I come from we love all American movies.
Have seen Citizen Kane, When the Wind is Leaving, In Front of on the Water, uh, but, but my favorite is this Lonesome Ranger.
I would give anything to meet Mr.
Ranger.
Ah, look, Kemo sabe, something strange, buckboard on its back.
Ay, Tonto, you're right.
with dental floss.
( female voice ): Help me, Masked Man.
( male voice ): Help me, Lone Ranger.
( old man's voice ): Where'd you get that ugly Injun? Why did they not gag that meshugena? ( female voice ): Behind you! Varmints.
Look! ( Spanish accent ): I don't have to show you no stinkin' varmints! ( yells in Spanish ) ( yelling ) ( yells ) Well, that shows them, Tonto.
Onward.
( old man voice ): Who was that masked man? He stole my teeth.
I need them for the bullets.
Hi-ho, Silver! ( clip clopping ) Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa, Big Fella.
Whoa, Big Fella, there.
Sorry about that, Big Fella.
You should be TV star.
Oh, no, too much pressure and you have to get up too early.
Oh, everything going so wonderful for me.
I have new friend, place to live Uh, Sergei, I have to talk to you about that.
You see, Mindy says we only have room enough for two and we have to find you a place of your own.
My own? You mean I can live alone if I want to? Sure, why not? Well, where I come from, no one lives alone.
Sharing a room with 60 people is solitary confinement.
Must be a long line for the shower.
Shower.
Oh, so many things to learn.
So many new experiences for me disco dancing, dirt bikes, uh, burritos, registering as an alien You have to register as an alien? Oh, all aliens must do so by January.
I didn't know there were that many of us.
Oh, is thousands, maybe millions.
Whew, then it's no big deal being an alien.
Is big deal if you don't register.
It is the law, you must.
Wonder why Mindy didn't tell me that.
Is she alien? No, Caucasian.
Well, then she wouldn't know.
It is big law, you must do this.
Do you think they'll kick me off the planet? Oh, I don't know if they would go that far.
But they could arrest you.
I'm not supposed to get in trouble.
Orson'll be really T.
O.
'd.
I saw two men get picked up by the immigration authorities.
They were aliens without proper identification.
Where do I get proper identification? Immigration Bureau.
Well, I better go to the ( imitates Sergei ): Immigration Bureau.
I'll leave Mindy a note.
Do you know where it is? No, I haven't written it yet.
( honking bark ) ( barks back ) ( honking barking ) Are these people all aliens? Well, they must be they're here.
Excuse me, are you from Romny Five? Ah.
No second nose I guess not.
Next.
I'm here to register.
I'm an alien.
Fill this out and bring it back to me.
No sweat.
Nanu-nanu.
Sergei, psst.
It didn't even phase him when I told him I was an alien.
Oh, he sees hundreds of aliens every week.
Wait'll Orson hears about this.
Whoa, check this out.
The ten most popular people.
Real nimnulls.
Those are criminals! Criminals, nimnulls, they don't look too swift to me.
Whoa, this pen's on a leash.
What's wrong? Did you write a bad check? ( honking bark ) Let's see, name: Mork.
Easy.
One down.
Place of residence: Ork.
Two down.
Education: P.
S.
one million six.
Graduation date: Betty Lou Zombax.
Residence: Mindy's house.
( honking bark ) And, let's see, occupation: observing your primitive planet and reporting back its customs to Orson.
( whistles ) Oh! Hey I can't answer this one.
What should I do? Oh, take these to that nice clerk over there.
Kay-o.
Now what do you want? Oh, he told me to take it to the nice clerk, but since she's busy, I'll talk to you.
If I can't answer this question, do I fail the exam? This is an informational form.
Even you couldn't fail it.
Whew! Well, which question is it? That one.
"Have you had a recent vaccination?" No, but I'd like to go to Miami Beach and stay at the Fontainebleau.
No.
Vaccination.
Like when they stick you with a needle.
Oh, I get the point.
( honking bark ) Where did you come from? Over there.
Okay, let's start from the beginning.
Where's your passport? I give up, where? Don't you have a passport? No.
What's a passport? Don't you have any identification? Well, I have a mole right here.
How's that identification? I don't think anyone else has one right here.
This is ridiculous.
I can show you the one on my right hip.
No, that won't be necessary! Now now, let me get this straight.
You don't have a green card.
Right.
No passport.
Ditto.
No visa.
Right on.
No birth certificate? Not even a note from home.
Legally you don't exist.
Oh, you exaggerate.
Therefore, I am.
Would you send the guard in here? You know, there are penalties for being an illegal alien.
Hey, I resent that! Even though my father was an eye dropper, he married Mom.
He had to.
Bob, I think we'd better hang on to this guy and ask him a few questions.
Hi, Mork.
Let's go home.
CLERK: Miss, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to detain your friend.
I got your note.
What is going on? I have to register as an alien.
Oh, no You don't understand.
No, no, you don't understand.
I could be in big trouble.
I know.
Uh, now, what seems to be the problem here? He's an alien; he doesn't have any identification.
We've got to ask him a few questions.
Well, he's not an alien.
Um, can I suggest a question? Please.
Ask him where he's from.
Oh, from the planet Ork.
You see, it's in the photosphere of the galaxy Mellow Catorius, near the black hole Leon.
Oh I see.
( chuckles ) And, uh, how did you get here? Boat? Plane? Flying egg.
I see.
I always go by flying bacon myself.
Oh, the express The Sizzler.
Now tell him how you drink.
Oh, don't be a clone.
You know that.
Well With my finger.
Pfft! Eeh! Okay.
Guard, would you please escort this gentleman out to his, uh, flying egg? Uh, would you put that desk back where it was? No moisture.
( high-pitched tone ) ( tone continues ) Oh, this America is country on move.
( laughs ): I tell you.
We're going.
Mindy, all these people are aliens.
I know.
Let's go.
Sergei, we're leaving! Hello! Hello.
Nanu-nanu.
( whimpering groan ) I don't get it.
What? Why did Sergei call himself an alien if he'd never even been to the moon? We call people who come here from other countries "aliens.
" Oh, that's strange.
Everyone on Ork calls himself an Orkan.
You humans subdivide yourself into different species Russians, Americans, Protestants, Jews, game show hosts.
( laughs ) We do.
I'm afraid that we haven't learned to live together very well yet.
Another thing I feel strange about is democracy.
Why? Well, after Sergei got his apartment, he went out to get a driver's license, and because he was an alien, it took all day.
Oh, I think you're getting democracy mixed up with bureaucracy.
Oh, semantic confusion or rented lips.
( laughs ) You see, democracy is the "one man, one vote" system, and bureaucracy is the most difficult way to get anything done.
Why do you have such an inefficient system? Well, we've been working hard at it.
Actually, we've been trying to streamline things, but that could take years.
Why? Bureaucracy.
( knocking ) ( speaks Russian ) Hi! Hey-hey! What's happening, Mork? Nanu-nanu.
Nanu-nanu.
You look awfully chipper.
Oh, yes, I am happy because of this great democracy.
Have place to live, have driver's license.
Didn't it take you all day to get it? Oh, yes, that's what's so great about it.
Because where I come from, it would take six months.
Really? Oh, yes, and if I failed, they make me date female Russian shot-putter.
Oh.
Well, Mork and I are really happy you're adjusting to everything so well.
Oh, very much thank you.
I must leave now, but before I go, I-I want you to have something from me.
This is some Russian caviar.
Oh, thanks, Sergei.
I'm really sorry you can't stay for dinner.
Oh, no, I have to go back and check out my new dynamite pad.
( chuckles ) Dosvidanya, Tovarich.
Hello.
Bye.
I don't understand it.
Democracy didn't work with three people, it didn't work with two people, but it works for Sergei, and he lives all alone.
Well, that's one of the good things about democracy.
It protects the individual.
And speaking of protection, I think next time you have any questions, you should ask me first.
I know.
I'm a real nimnull.
You ask me to take a poll, and I brought home a Russian.
( honking bark ) Whew! That's caviar.
Fish eggs.
Oh.
Return to mother ship! Yeah, back on home.
Roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe.
Oh, you like it? ( deep voice ): No way.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
( singing in Russian ) ( Russian accent ): Mork calling Orson.
Come in, comrade.
Hey! ORSON: That accent.
It's Russian.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll slow it down.
( slow motion ): Mork calling Orson.
Come in, comrade.
Heyyy! Just the report, Mork.
Sorry, Your Rotundity.
What's happening inside your head? Is your brain flaky? Oh, no.
This is what earthlings call snow.
Uh, it's kind of like Martian lint bombs, only frozen.
Are they dangerous? Oh, no.
If you try and light their fuse, they turn to water.
What else have you observed? Well, earthlings have a custom called "voting.
" It's so everyone can have a voice in democracy.
And they all vote? No, only about half of them.
The rest have political laryngitis.
Maybe they just don't like their leaders.
I think that's part of the problem.
Too bad they don't have someone as well-rounded as you.
Is that another fat joke, Mork? Oh, no, Your Obesity.
I mean, we're lucky enough that we have someone like you that we can all stand behind.
I mean, all of us, the entire planet.
That was a cheap shot, Mork.
Oh, rejection.
Heavy thigh.
( chuckles ): I mean, sigh.
See you next week, Your Acreage.
Nanu-nanu.