S#*! My Dad Says s01e14 Episode Script

- Are they done? - I think they're done.
Hey, get away from there.
Those are muffins, not Girls Gone Wild.
Staring at them is not gonna get them to lift up their shirts and go, "Whoo!" Yes, they're ready! Whoo! - Isn't that hot? - So hot.
Bonnie, have one.
Oh, my God.
They're delicious.
Is that the most delicious corn muffin you've ever had? Ed, what is your secret? I lost my virginity to my second cousin, Sheila.
Not the Yuck! No, not that secret.
How can something so bitter make something so sweet? I grow my own corn.
The stalks are almost touching the roofline.
Drives my neighbor crazy.
You know, I may be a romantic, but I think her hatred makes the corn taste that much sweeter.
It's also the amount of manure I use.
My soil is so full of crap it could start its own ministry.
I'm dumping another batch tomorrow.
Oh, um, do you think you can do that in the afternoon? I'm interviewing someone here tomorrow.
Don't you have an office? Yes, but I'm interviewing this local TV news anchor about how the news has basically become a tabloid.
She wants to speak to me off the record.
I am sworn to secrecy.
- Who is I? - Soledad Cho.
Damn it.
Um, KPIL action news team anchor Soledad Cho? She she's coming here? Why is he so excited? Is she made of frosting? No, no.
She's on his list.
Of people to eat? The list.
You know, the list you make when you get married of celebrities you're allowed to sleep with if you had the chance.
Soledad makes the news so sexy.
You know, I love the way she says, "this just in.
" Who else is on your list? - Jennifer Aniston.
- Mm-hmm.
She's on mine too.
Dad, you got another letter from the Homeowners' Association about the height of your corn.
Ooh, this looks serious.
I better do something about this right away.
Oh, I feel so much better.
That was really hanging over my head.
Ed, as a real estate agent I should advise you not to make enemies with the Homeowners' Association.
It's not the Homeowners' Association.
It's one overstressed, undersexed lonely woman with a frown on her face and a stick up her ass.
I believe those are the exact same words you used to describe Dora the explorer.
Why does Dora have to go everywhere? And what the hell is in her backpack? Hi, Ed.
Rosemary Pernworth, vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association.
I know when I come here as a neighbor you slam the door on me.
So I thought if I came on official business Was that her? Wasn't Dora the freakin' explorer.
Hey, what happened to Rosemary's husband? Died five years ago.
Massive stroke in the supermarket.
I'd have chosen divorce, but hey, we all have our own thing, huh? Well, I don't think she's gonna stop ringing the bell until you talk to her.
What do you know? Aren't you Rosemary Pernworth, vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association? Hilarious.
You know, Ed, let's just say for the sake of argument that you did not receive any of the six letters I sent you or the numerous phone messages I left or that you weren't at home yesterday when I knocked on the door and you mooned me through the curtains.
No, I'm here in person to inform you that your corn has grown well above my fence line in clear violation of the Homeowner Association rules.
Oh, well, you know what they say.
The bigger the stalk, the sweeter the corn.
I see what you're doing.
You're using corn as a double entendre for penis.
Do you think that offends me? See, I saw the original production of hair, and I've read everything that Erica Jong ever wrote.
You cannot shock me.
Your corn is coming down.
I'm going another way.
So how did you know you wanted to be a TV reporter? From a very early age, people told me I was well-suited for the job.
And it wasn't long before this reporter came to the very same conclusion.
Back to you, Henry.
You actually talk like Yeah, you do.
Your name, Soledad Cho.
I mean, you don't really seem like a "Soledad" or a "Cho" for that matter.
My real name is Janet Steele.
But my agents and I felt I needed something more ethnic, and since "Geraldo Rivera" was already taken, I went with "Soledad Cho.
" That was a joke.
- Henry.
- Yeah? And how's that working out for you? We'll find out After this.
I'm gonna get a recorder.
I'll be right back.
Henry, have you seen my pile of sophisticated newsmagazines that I read every day? Gonna read them at my "mency's" meeting.
Soledad Cho? What are you doing here? Do I know you? No, no, but I know you.
Actually, I'm a real big fan.
I'm Vince, by the way.
Good evening.
I'm Soledad Cho.
Oh, you know, it's actually really funny you're here because You know what, never mind.
Mmm, it sounds like there's more to that story.
Uh, well, it, um This is sort of embarrassing.
Erh, I shouldn't say this.
Okay, me and my wife Bonnie, we have a list of celebrities that we'd be allowed to, you know.
Yes? Sleep with if we ever had the chance.
And? And, well, it's just that, um, you're you're on my list.
I'm on a celebrity sex list? Yeah.
Let me get this straight.
You come in here, you just met me, and you tell me I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
That you consider me a celebrity? Well, yeah.
No one's ever called me a celebrity.
I'm in.
Oh, hi, Ed.
I know this is private property, but this is official business.
I'm Rosemary Pernworth, vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association.
Rosemary Pernworth, meet Mr.
Hose.
You're threatening me with your garden hose? Who said anything about a garden hose? Hilarious.
As I said before, you can't shock me.
I know vulgarity is your weapon.
No, garden hose is my weapon.
Vulgarity is my sidekick.
Why are you walking funny? I have a Morton's neuroma.
It's a swollen nerve in my foot.
Makes me limp.
That makes two of us.
Bravo, you're an 11-year-old.
I'm not here to trade pee-pee jokes with you.
I'm just here to measure your corn so I can file an official complaint with the city and have them come and force you to cut it down.
I got a better idea.
Why don't you get a life? Why don't I get a life? At least I do something constructive with my time.
I'm trying to improve the neighborhood.
All you do is go around dumping garbage and growing your corn like it's freakin' Kansas.
And here's an idea.
The next time you vacuum your living room wearing nothing but a fishing vest, why don't you pull down your blinds? For your information, I also wear socks, but thank you for watching.
You know, Rosemary, when Joe was alive you were merely annoying.
Now you've become unbearable.
You've always been unbearable, Ed.
You may have been able to bully three wives out of your life, but I'm not going anywhere.
And next week when I become president of the Homeowners' Association, I will grab your stalk and rip it out with my own hands! You're not touching my corn.
Who said anything about your corn? Oh, hilarious.
One problem, gotta get to be president first.
I'm running unopposed.
Up until now.
You wouldn't.
Or wouldn't I? Let me tell you what I told my second cousin Sheila.
One of us is going down, and it ain't gonna be me.
I can't believe you're going through all this trouble just to grow your corn.
It's more than the corn.
It's about not letting some tight-ass neighbor tell me how to grow my crops.
Besides, how dare she call me a bully? Hi, do you have a minute for the environment? No.
You got ten seconds to find your clipboard? Vote Ed Goodson.
Ed, what are you doing? Gathering the votes.
You want to join team Goodson? Free corn muffin.
You're turning this into a farce.
What are you even running on? I'm running on prune Danish and a coffee, so keep your distance.
That's hilarious.
It's hilarious.
You know, Ed, if you want to get into this, I will expose you as the type of person that you really are.
I'm gonna challenge you to a debate.
What's the matter, Ed? Do you not want to debate me because you don't want to be publicly humiliated? If I was afraid of being publicly humiliated, would I have brought my son with me? I'll debate you anywhere, anyplace.
I'm gonna show the entire neighborhood that you are nothing but a big bully and I am a nice person.
Do you have a minute for the environment? Oh, get out of my face, you hippy.
- Hi.
- Hey, honey.
How was your meeting with Soledad? Did you guys do it? Not yet.
Can you imagine if one of our celebrities was willing to? I mean, what would you do? I don't know.
Actually, you know what, that's a really good question.
What would you do? What what would I do? I don't know, I've never had the opportunity.
I don't know.
Okay, well, try to imagine if, let's say James Franco, said that he would sleep with you, knowing that the list allows it even though we're married.
All right, I'll try to imagine it.
Does he have a moustache or no? You know, I gotta say I think he's cuter without it, but it's up to you.
What are you doing? I'm imagining it.
What's he Shh! What's he doing? - Not now.
- Okay.
Bonnie, stop.
Stop it.
Bonnie, stop Get off of you! All right, all right.
I was imagining it.
Okay, well, now I want you to stop.
Fine, I will.
Jeez Louise.
It was all him anyway.
Look, all I'm saying is if you were in a hypothetical situation wherein one of the celebrities on your list said that it might be some Bonnie! Bonnie! All right.
All right, what would I I don't know.
I mean, I guess why bother having a list if you're not gonna do it? I don't know.
Can you imagine it? Hi, hello.
I'm Rosemary Pernworth, vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowner Stupid, stupid, stupid.
They know who you are.
Come on, pull it together, Rosie.
This is one of the most important nights of your life.
How long do you think this is gonna take? I got some ice cream in the car.
Do you care about anything, Ed? Yes, I care about the ice cream melting in my car.
It's Neapolitan.
You know they put the strawberry in there just to get rid of it, 'cause they know you're gonna pay extra for the chocolate and vanilla together? All right, five minutes till the debate.
- How's the crowd? - Buzzing with excitement.
You know, if you back out now, there's some strawberry ice cream in it for you.
Will you just get away from me? I'm trying to prepare.
I mean, some people take this seriously.
You're still limping.
I told you, I have a neuroma.
Here, let me take a look at that foot.
I'm not gonna let you look at my foot.
Hey, I'm a doctor.
Let me take a look.
You shouldn't be hobbling like that.
Why would you do that? I thought you hated me.
I do, but I'm a doctor.
I hate everyone I treat.
Let me see that foot.
I, um, I wear two pairs of peds.
It's perfectly normal.
I just don't like my feet to sweat, and we live in a temperate climate.
Well, that's why I vacuum without any pants on.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I'm just not used to having my feet touched a lot by men.
I'm not touching your feet like a man.
Right now I'm your doctor.
I mean, not that I haven't had offers.
I mean, not to touch my feet.
But, you know, but my daughter's always trying to set me up, and I'm just far too busy to be dating right now.
Oh, what are you doing? Who told you you have a neuroma? I looked it up on the Internet.
The Internet? You know, it makes you sound smart even if you're an idiot.
It's like having an English accent.
You don't have a neuroma.
- Yes, yes, I do, Ed.
- No, you don't.
You're just so uptight your feet are cramping up.
What you need is a good foot rub.
Well, I don't need you to tell me what I Oh, good gracious.
Oh, my goodness, there is a huge knot in your third metatarsal.
Okay, I need you to stop that now.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.
One more thing.
Oh, sweet Christmas! Good evening, I'm Soledad Cho.
Panties have the night off.
Wow, that's one hell of a lead story.
We take you now to a couch, where a large man is about to enter Okay, Soledad, Soledad.
You're moving kinda fast.
Oh, I'm an action news reporter.
If you wanted to take it slow, you should have put Morley Safer on your list.
The problem is I'm married.
And I'm starting to have some second Wow, and that's the way it is.
Look, Soledad, it's just that I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to cut you off.
Yeah, we're ready to go live to the scene of my boobs.
I'd like to apologize for having to relocate the debate to the children's reading room.
Keep in mind, we lose the room in half an hour to a puppet show.
Listen, Ed, I appreciate if we could keep it to ourselves what just happened out there.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The thing with my fa What's your fa-fa? My foot.
Oh, please, give me some credit.
I'm a doctor.
I know a thing or two about confidentiality.
Okay, first question.
What do you think about the new mini-mall proposed at the intersection of Rosecrans and Nimitz? I think it'll lead to an increase in foot traffic.
Rosemary, what do you think about the foot traffic? I think that foot traffic is a very personal issue and should remain as such.
Okay, next question.
What do you think about the new speed bumps on grand street? I'll take that.
I think we should massage the bump issue.
Get our hands in there.
Maybe get a toehold on the subject.
- Ed - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I touch a nerve? Okay, okay.
I have served this committee for 25 years.
This man, on the other hand, is best known for leaving a dead raccoon on his garbage cans as a warning to "the others.
" I'm sorry if we got off on the wrong foot.
I apologize For rubbing you the wrong way.
I thought I rubbed you the right way.
Okay, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Okay, you're not answering any of the questions.
You're not qualified.
He's not qualified! What do you say to that? Foot rub, foot massage, foot sex.
Oh, my God.
I have something really important to tell you.
What, is something wrong? No, I just wanted you to know your husband turned down having sex with Soledad Cho.
Oh, well, then you should know that I ran into Oprah at the supermarket, and she's taking me to Australia.
Honey, I'm being serious.
Soledad Cho came back here, and she wanted to have sex with me, and I said no.
And I'm being serious.
Gail's coming.
She was here! And she was doing all this weird sexy news jargon.
She was sitting in for panties and her boobs were on location.
I'm telling the truth.
Honey, is this because I was fantasizing about James Franco? No, it really happened.
If you need me to believe you on this, I will, but I want you to know you don't have to worry about James Franco.
I don't? No.
Because you now who's the real number one on my list? Dog the bounty hunter.
No.
He's number four.
It's you.
You're my number one.
Ooh, really? - Yeah.
- You're my number one too.
Let's go upstairs and fool around, 'cause I can sense a warm front moving in to my pants.
I can't really do the voice.
What the heck was that supposed to be? I was trying to do the reporter, make it sexy.
Oh, well, you can try it again upstairs.
So what are you gonna do now that you are the president of the Homeowners' Association? Same as every other president does.
Blame the last guy.
Good luck.
Ooh, Rosemary Pernworth.
I'm Dr.
Ed Goodson, president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association.
Look, I know that you think it's gonna be nothing but parades and dignitaries, but there's a lot of really hard work that goes into that title.
You have to organize the neighborhood watch, and you have to put the doggy bags in the park.
And as acting vice president, I am not gonna allow you to I'm still gonna be working under you.
I mean, not underneath you.
And we still have to talk about the corn, because there's a lot of issues that have come up, and I'm not gonna It's good to be prez.