My Name is Earl s01e14 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Ever since I made my list and got us out of the stealin'business Randy doesn't have an income anymore.
Can I have more money for the claw machine? You're the one who told me to go after Kermit.
He's got those skinny legs.
He's not a cheap Muppet to claw.
Hey, dummy.
One of your little butt buddies Hank Lange, made it in the newspaper.
Jackass tried to rob a liquor store with a crossbow.
"Jackass tries to rob a liquor store with a crossbow.
" - Wow, I didn't think you could say "jackass" in the newspaper.
- World's changin', Earl.
You'd be surprised what those asswipes in the media get away with.
There's a picture of the douche bag on the bottom.
Shot himself in the arm.
Ow, that's gotta hurt.
Twenty years? They're sendin' him to state prison for 20 years.
Long stretch.
But at least he'll be able to spend some quality time with his daddy.
As bad as I felt for Hank, I had my own problem.
Hank was on my list.
Number 18- told an inappropriate story at Hank Lange's birthday party.
So I said, "Well, if you have to tinkle, just do it in the ocean.
" He walked to the edge of the water, dropped his tiny trunks and whizzed into the ocean.
I got a story about Hank.
It was Steve Coco's bachelor party.
And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
- Uh, Earl, maybe- maybe this isn't the best time.
- No, no, no.
Come on.
Don't worry, I won't tell the bad part.
So Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper and then, uh, you know, some stuff happens.
Anyway, Hank comes out about 10 minutes later with his tongue down this stripper's throat tellin' her how she's gonna be his wife, and then all of a sudden, somebody said to Hank "I think she'd make a better husband 'cause she's a dude!" Whoo.
! Whoo.
! If I wanna cross him off my list before they send him to state prison - I gotta do it by Friday.
- Can I have another quarter? I only got one, and I wanna listen to Skynyrd while I eat my crab cakes.
- Can I have a quarter? - I know your beggin' ass did not just ask me for a quarter.
- Hey, Darnell, do you have a quarter I can borrow? - I think so.
Yeah, he's got a quarter.
You know why he's got a quarter? He's got a damn job.
That's why.
I don't have a quarter.
Just three nickels and a super-sour gummy worm.
Sorry.
When is your lazy ass gonna stop mooching off your brother and get a job? You're damn near 30 years old.
You need to start acting like an adult like the rest of us.
Darnell, don't you go off with my gummy worm! You took it out of my trick-or-treatin' bucket! One time me and Hank polished off four bottles of Cherry Mad Dog and swore that if one of us ever got put away for hard time, the other one would break him out.
I hope he doesn't remember that, Randy.
- Should I get a job? - What? Joy said I should get a job so you don't have to support me anymore.
You know, pay for my food and Muppets and whatnot.
- I don't mind supportin' you.
- Okay.
Although, I mean, uh, it wouldn't hurt to get a job if you, uh- if you wanted to.
- So should I get a job? - I don't know.
We got the lotto money to live on, but that's only gonna get us so far.
I don't mind supportin' you, but I don't wanna run out of money before I can cross everything off my list.
I really think it's my purpose in life.
- Then I'm gonna get a job.
- Really? Yeah.
I want you to be able to do the things on your list.
And, you know, who knows, maybe it is time for me to find my purpose.
I think that's a really good idea, Randy.
A purpose is a great thing to have.
It gives you a reason to wake up every morning.
- So a purpose is like a box of powdered doughnut holes? - Exactly.
- You here to break me out? - You remember that, huh? Yeah, but don't worry about it.
I'm cool inside here.
- Hey, Randy.
- I'm gettin' a job.
Good for you.
So, what's up? You here just for a visit? Well, uh, actually I have something I need to talk to you about.
See, I've got this list.
- Hello.
- Hey, my wife didn't show up.
You wanna chat? Sure.
What's your name? I wanna cross you off the list, but I just don't know what to do.
All right, how about this? Since you gave me a bad day, give me one good day before I get transferred upstate.
That seems fair.
What do you want me to do? Bring my grandma in for a visit.
She can't drive.
And bring a copy of my hometown newspaper so she can read it to me.
That day's copy.
Gibtown Journal.
You can get it from my uncle.
He gets it in the mail.
And bring some doughnuts.
From Yummy's.
Fresh ones.
All right, so, uh, Grandma uh, Gibtown Journal from your uncle and Yummy's doughnuts.
Done.
Have you tried talkin' to him? Maybe if you just explained you're not a gay, he'd find someone else.
No, I tried that.
My wife was gonna put a razor in her mouth and pass it to me when we made out during our conjugal.
- Got anything sharp on you? - Just my toenails.
But I won't put 'em in my mouth.
They're dirty.
You know what? I think I'm just gonna close my eyes and power through it.
Yeah.
I think that's your only choice.
- Good luck on your job search.
- Thanks.
Since visiting hours at thejail were over at noon I'd have to wait until the next day to give Hank his good day.
Here's one.
It says, "Dancers wanted.
" I love to dance.
That's Club Chubby, Randy.
They're looking for strippers.
I used to work there.
- You think I could be a pilot? - Keep readin'.
Hey, Randy, if you're lookin' for a job, we need a busboy.
The old guy took a bad spill in the men's room.
Thanks, Darnell, but I was gonna try and find a job where I wouldn't slip in pee-pee.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
Here's a good one.
"Make your own hours.
No experience necessary.
" No experience.
You got a lot of that.
It's sellin', uh, cleanin' supplies door-to-door.
Sounds cool.
Um, "not only makin' money, but makin' the world a brighter place.
" This could be my purpose, Earl.
I'm gonna call.
How long did you work at Club Chubby? - About a month.
- You make good money? I'm guessin' that's a yes.
The next day, I got up bright and early to give Hank his good day.
Since Hank's grandma lived on the way to thejailhouse and Hank wanted his doughnuts fresh I figured the smart thing to do was go by his uncle's and get the newspaper first.
So, I just, uh, need your newspaper, uh, if- if you don't mind.
I don't mind, but it's in my mailbox down in the lobby.
- Should we go get it? - If you wanna carry me down the stairs.
Well, we'll take the elevator.
I don't trust elevators.
They break, fall and paralyze people.
That's crazy.
Elevators are perfectly safe.
I mean, they're not just gonna- Oh, wow.
"Bar-ba-dos.
" That's-That's, uh- Hank's uncle didn't trust me with his mailbox key me being a friend ofhis criminal nephew and all.
So gettin'the newspaper turned out to be harder than I thought.
Meanwhile, Randy was off at his first day of work.
Rather than startin'out goin' door-to-door with strangers he decided to get warmed up with people he knew.
- What? - "Hello, ma'am.
"How would you like to end your daily fight with stubborn stains? "Half circle.
Remember to maintain eye contact.
Half circle.
" I gotta poop.
- But, we're almost halfway down.
- I gotta poop! You obviously do a fine job cleaning.
Gesture room.
But the Bright Time Cleanin' System could make your job easier and save you time.
Time that you could be using to bake a casserole or have tea with your lady friends.
So, you think that one bottle can clean that whole window? "This one bottle could clean all the windows in your home slash apartment, slash trailer.
" Now this I gotta see.
Tell Hank I said hello.
Actually, I don't think I'm gonna make it down there to see him today.
Visiting hours are over at noon.
I have to get an earlier start tomorrow.
And try to get your business done before we make it halfway down the stairs.
I'll see what I can do.
I'm not exactly runnin' the show.
Ma'am, would you like the deluxe, the mini deluxe or the basic deluxe package? Sorry, honey, but we're just a little bit tight on cash right now.
We usually steal our cleaning supplies from the gas station bathroom down the street.
Oh.
Well, that makes sense.
- Thanks anyway.
- Congratulations on the new job.
Dumb-ass.
I felt bad that Randy was havin'trouble finding his purpose in life but I was wakin'up to my own problems.
But I wanted to make sure I got to Hank's uncle's in time to get everything done.
And by the time I got to Yummy's I was right on schedule.
Didi? I didn't know you worked here.
You son of a bitch! I told my parents we were getting married! While I was tryin'to figure out how I was gonna get those doughnuts Randy was seein'if a new profession might be his purpose.
This is Mr.
Parker.
You're gonna prep him for surgery.
I never shaved a man's face before.
I saw Footloose's wife do it in that movie where the cool Sweathog could break mirrors with his brains.
It looked easy- the shaving the Sweathog's face not the breakin' mirrors with your brains.
I think they did that with trick photography.
You're not shaving his face.
Mr.
Parker's having a vasectomy.
I'm out.
Hank, I've been tryin' to get someone to buy me doughnuts for the last two hours.
People think I'm crazy.
Do they have to be from Yummy's? Okay.
All right.
No, I hear ya.
Nah, I said I hear ya.
With the doughnuts in hand, all I had to do was pick up Grandma and get to thejail by noon.
Damn it.
I'm just gonna have to get an earlier start tomorrow, that's all.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
Here's a good one, Earl.
"Join the exciting world of science research.
" Science, Earl.
Do you think that could be my purpose? I don't know, Randy.
Maybe your purpose is stickin' with a job for more than one day.
Do you think when I find my purpose I'll get some sort of sign, like a glowing light? But not like an alien abduction glowing light, like a Jesus light? - I don't know, Randy.
I doubt it.
- Hi, Mr.
Clean.
Where you been? Promised my neighbor you'd clean her trailer.
Oh, it turns out that's not my purpose.
I'm gonna work in "the ever-changin' landscape of cosmetic testin'.
" Cosmetics? There ain't enough cosmetics in the world to cover your dumb-lookin' face.
Seriously.
If they send you free testers, you better hook me up.
But sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
As it turned out, much like everything else on this little chore pickin'up Hank's grandma wasn't easy.
I drove around for an hour before I found a parking spot.
As disappointed as I was with my day Randy was more disappointed with his new career in science.
- Ready to get started? - I guess.
You can go home now.
Be sure to call us as soon as you get your sight back.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Oh, I'm no doctor.
Hey, Darren, this guy just called me "Doctor.
" Oh! I don't think I like the exciting world of science anymore.
It's not fun bein' blind.
Why is Steven Wonder always smilin'? Maybe he can't see that he's smilin'.
Am I smilin', Earl? - No, Randy.
You're not smilin'.
- Hey, Earl, could you hand me the want ads? I'm gonna find another job.
- Hey, Earl, could you read this for me? - No, I'm not gonna read to ya.
I gotta get up at the crack of dawn.
I got my own problems I'm dealin' with.
At least you have your sight.
Randy, you were gonna get a job so you could be more independent.
But so far I've had to give you money for cleanin' supplies, play doctor with you and after dinner, I'm literally gonna have to help you use the bathroom.
You don't have to hold anything.
Just get me on the seat.
I'll go like a girl.
Randy, why don't you just take the job as a busboy at the Crab Shack? I don't wanna be a busboy, Earl.
I want somethin'cool, like you have with your list.
I want a purpose.
Well, maybe not everybody has a purpose.
But at least they contribute and pull their own weight.
If you really wanna help, stop trying to do these crazy jobs, and just go be a busboy.
Fine.
I'll be a busboy.
Good.
Who's there? Who's there? But I was determined that today would be the day that I gave Hank his good day.
All right, let's get goin'.
Hank is waitin'.
- Okeydokey.
- Oh, hey, you have to take her drops.
- What? - Her eyedrops.
You have to put drops in her eyes every 10 minutes or they'll dry out and the lids will stick to the balls.
You don't wanna see that.
Her watch has a timer on it to remind you.
No, you did it again.
Wrong one.
Oh, and, uh, she hates it, so good luck.
- Does that mean it's time for your drops? - No.
- I think that means it's time for your drops.
- No, it doesn't.
Come on.
I gotta give you your drops, or you'll dry up.
- I don't like 'em.
- I know.
Just give me your head.
- I don't wanna.
- Give me your head.
- No! - You're gonna make me wrestle you, aren't you? Yes.
All right.
Let's do this.
- No! - Come on! - No! I told you, I can't! - Just relax! It'll be easy.
- No! - Come on now.
- It's just gonna take a second.
- Stop it! - Thanks.
- No problem.
Damn it.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
- So, how was your first day? - Fine, I guess.
I made some money.
And who knows, maybe this is my purpose in life.
I am helpin' people.
They can't eat if other people's plates are still on their table.
I mean, they can, but it would be crowded and kinda gross.
Hey.
Maybe my purpose in life is to make things less crowded and less gross.
- Hmm.
- How was prison? Didn't get there.
Gonna try again tomorrow.
I got the day off.
Can I hang out with you? - Sure, but we're gonna have to get up real early.
- How early? Perky, perky, hands off jerky.
Poopie trim.
Get off me! No! Let go, you big ape! It's only 6:30 a.
m.
Visiting hours don't even start until 8:00.
Why'd we have to get up so early? Because what took me four days to try and get done without you - only took an hour and a half with you.
- I'm sorry.
No, Randy, it means I need you.
- You do? - Yeah.
I shouldn't have told you to take that job.
If I'm gonna cross off all the stuff on my list I'm gonna need you with me, not workin' as a busboy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Think about it.
You were with me when I did most of the things on this list.
Maybe you're supposed to be with me when I fix 'em.
The list is my purpose, but I think you being there to help me is yours.
I sure like that a lot better than pickin' up wadded-up napkins with gross stuff inside.
Well, then you're hired.
Earl, my light.
This is my purpose.
Randy, that's just the sun comin' out from behind the clouds.
And it's doin' it just for me.
How cool is that? Grab her feet.
I'll pry her eyes open.
- Come on, Grandma.
- No! - You know it's time for your drops.
- No way! Get off of me! - Just put your head back.
- I don't want them!