Outsourced (2010) s01e14 Episode Script

Good morning.
Did we get more products in? "I love you beary much.
" We sell some cheesy crap.
- My boyfriend gave that to me.
- And it is beary sweet.
I love puns.
Did your boyfriend get this for you at the maul? Maul.
Rrargh.
Sir, could I talk to you for a minute? Sure, yeah.
What do you need? I just needed that to stop.
Hey, I didn't know you guys celebrated Valentine's Day.
Oh, yes.
Some people call it Sweethearts' Day.
It's a very big deal here.
Not to the Indians who refuse to cheapen the notion of love with western commercialization chocolates, flowers, fat, flying infants armed with crossbows.
Ah, yes, someone else has been duped into wasting their hard-earned money on what are essentially plant genitals.
Actually, Rajiv, this is from Vimi to you.
She "wuvs" me? I "wuv" her too.
Actually, they're for Manmeet, but it's nice to see you have a heart in there somewhere.
Yes, a heart that pumps blood to my brain so I can make rational decisions and not get sucked into this tawdry, materialistic I was joking.
They really are from Vimi.
My pumpkin? My darling? Oh, now I feel really bad because they're actually for Manmeet.
What do I care? I am a stone.
I have been joking with you this entire time.
I have delivery for Rajiv Gidwani.
Double-check that card, you son of a bitch.
I can't do this anymore.
Maul The bear is mauling.
Yes, sir, I do have two eyes.
Yes, sir, I actually have 20/20 vision.
Forget about it.
Hey, Todd.
Hey, Todd.
Can I ask you something? Oh, wait.
Is this about women or about work? Oh, come on, man, have I ever asked you about work? What's up? Okay, I have a dilemma.
See, both Debbie and Ashlynn expect me to take them out for Valentine's Day.
- Is the dilemma that they're in America and you're here? - No.
I video-chat with them after work.
I talk to Debbie on Fridays and to Ashlynn late at night Saturdays after she closes the cold stone creamery.
- I just can't decide who to pick.
- Well, you could try juggling.
Two dates the same night.
I tried it once two girls, two dinners, two awkward rejections at the door.
But I got a great story out of it.
- What's the story? - Well, that was it.
Fine! Fine! Have it your way.
Thank you for calling! Anger management is essential for good customer service.
Thanks, Gupta.
This is just how I wanted to spend my break.
Oh, temper, temper.
Now, this is a relaxation video they showed us back when I started at Mid America Novelties.
And, actually, I think it's right up your alley.
Namaste.
That's Indian for "greetings.
" Todd, there is no such language as Indian.
- I know.
- Yoga is the greatest gift of these spiritual, magical people.
We're Indians, not elves.
Yoga is an effective way to relieve stress.
Energy is everywhere.
And everything is energy.
And at the same time It is nothing.
And therefore it is nowhere.
What the hell is she talking about? The beauty of yoga is in its simplicity.
It was invented by a people who had nothing but a dirt floor, and look what they came up with.
Namaste.
Okay, well, I guess that was a little less offensive when I was watching it back in Kansas when I didn't know any Indians, but, uh I've fallen in love with you magical bastards.
You know, I had your job.
I'll just train you myself.
I want that bird feeder where the cats are trying to catch the birds.
Okay, ma'am, if you could just give me the item Now birds is spelled b-u-r-d-s.
Get it? B-u-r-d-s.
- Okay, if you could just tell me - The cats wrote it themselves.
Okay, I get it.
What? Wha what are you saying? Number? What Your damn accent is so thick! Well, maybe you could understand me if you scooped that clam chowder out from between your ears.
- Red Sox suck.
- Okay.
You just insulted the customer.
If you feel like you're gonna lose your cool, just transfer the call to me.
Oh, one thing, very important, Yankees suck.
Okay, Pinky, let's do this.
If you'll hold, please, I'd like to transfer you to my manager.
But, Pinky, we haven't even started yet.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
Your estimated wait time is five minutes.
Okay.
Who's left? - Come on, Gupta.
- Stay cool, man.
- Don't let him get to you.
- You can do it.
I want my money back.
Don't you get that? How dumb are you? I am sorry, sir.
I can only offer you a store credit.
Well, you listen to this, ***.
Night.
If I don't get my refund, - the twist of this movie's gonna be my foot up your ass.
- I Sorry, sir, but we cannot refund products that have been personalized.
How's this for personalized? You're a moron, and a monkey could do your job.
Sir, if I could please put you on hold, my manager will be able to help you take care of this.
Yeah! Hey, Todd.
I figured out how to juggle both Valentine's dates.
Okay.
Debbie at 6:00 and Ashlynn at 9:00.
- I just need to borrow your laptop.
- Yeah, sure.
Why? No, I don't want to know.
I'm not sure I want to know how my laptop - figures into your love life.
- No, we go to video chat and watch a movie together.
But please tell me what you were thinking.
That sounds much better.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up forever! - Sir, shall I cue up the racist yoga tape again? - No.
Todd.
I just transferred that call to you.
Did it not go through? It's too late, Gupta.
Pack your things.
- You can't scream at customers.
- Todd is right.
This is a teachable moment for everyone.
An anger level of four can escalate to a ten in the blink of an eye, team.
The only one I need to teach is you.
You stepped way over the line, all right? You're suspended for one week, no pay.
- Get out of here.
- Wait, sir, please.
I think you are this close to firing him.
If you need something to push it over the top, consider these offenses.
Yesterday he sucked all the jelly out of a doughnut.
He frequently wears a belt with makeshift holes.
He clearly has made no attempt to understand our culture.
I am sorry.
I have skipped over to the part about you.
Todd.
Gupta Pack your things.
Katie, Buja, come on.
Well, that's everything.
This is starting to feel very real now.
You know, I think I've learned my lesson.
- Gupta, wait.
- Thank goodness.
- You know, my heart was racing.
- Headset.
Of course.
Nothing else to say, you know.
Drag it out.
If I stay any longer, my my friends may defend me, which they shouldn't.
But if someone wanted to say something, now would be the time, 'cause I'm getting pretty close to the door.
Look how close I No.
Wha what was that, Manmeet? Did you say something? No.
I just found out that I have to work tonight.
Oh, shoot, I guess I have to cancel - all the plans I made for us.
- Oh, save it.
I don't care about going out on Valentine's either.
It's all just a big scam.
Is this a test? No.
You don't have to make any plans.
- Now is it a test? - No.
I really don't care.
You're sure it's not a test? I mean, if I ask you, you have to tell.
It's like undercover cops.
I thought you said you suspended Gupta.
Yeah, I did.
- Who am I? - What's going on? Gupta, why are you here? - You're suspended.
- From work.
I'm not working.
I'm socializing.
It's like a paid vacation, except I'm not getting paid.
This cafeteria is for people who work here, all right? This week you don't.
You need to leave now.
Okay.
I'll just get my things again.
Katie, Buja.
If someone wants to speak in my defense, I'll wait because I know you're chewing your food, and you don't want to talk with your mouths full.
You people are killing me! You look so beautiful, Debbie.
Thanks, my sweetheart.
One, two, three Bite.
If you're ready, my darling, I'll start the movie.
Yes, I'm ready, honey.
What's the matter? I was just thinking.
It's a long movie.
Maybe we should both go to the bathroom.
You are so considerate.
Ashlynn, you're early.
No, I'm not, Meatloaf.
Yes, it's 6:00 there.
No, silly, it's 9:00 in New York.
Isn't this romantic? Both: Yes.
Sure is.
I'm so happy we're spending Valentine's Day together.
Me too.
Take my advice.
Don't go out with that man tomorrow night.
He's a phony.
I wish I was there in your city, you know, near that large, navigable body of water.
I would kill for you to be here in San Francisco (in New York).
Someday, baby.
What's up, Gupta? Gupta? What are you doing out here? Just waiting for my suspension to be over.
Well, you got four more days.
Go home.
I can't.
I was already behind on the rent for my apartment.
I made the mistake of asking my landlord for more time, since you suspended me, and he kicked me out.
Well, can't you go to your parents' place? They moved back to Delhi.
So where are you gonna sleep tonight? Ah, don't worry about me.
This concrete will be my bed.
If I'm lucky, it will rain in the morning, and that will be my shower.
Okay, Gupta, I know you're trying to make me feel bad, but this is your fault.
Yes, I know.
The last thing I want is for you to feel bad.
Actually, the last thing I want is to sleep on the street or get murdered in my sleep.
So from bottom up, I guess it goes street murder, gutter bed, Todd sad.
All right, just for tonight.
I'll get my things! I got my things.
Hello? Morning, miss Morrow.
This is Rex.
Hey, Manmeet.
Why do we need a movie? Why don't we make our own show? - Whoa, Debbie! - Who's Debbie? Nothing, baby.
Who was that? Is there someone there with you? I hear another woman.
Okay, turn me around.
I want to see her.
- I don't think - Do it, Meatloaf.
You've got to be kidding me.
You're cheating on me with her? Oh, no, you got it twisted.
He's cheating on me with you.
Okay, okay.
Please.
Please, I am I am sorry it happened this way, but you're so special.
- I don't want to lose you.
- Lose who? Yeah.
Which one of us are you talking to? Youuuu.
Oh, what a day.
Thank you for letting me borrow these.
They're soft, but they creep.
- Yeah.
Those are yours now.
- Okay.
Good night.
Todd! But I can't tie you up? Yep.
I'm on it.
- Finally.
- Gupta.
What? I ordered while you were showering.
Melon wedge? Hey, Manmeet.
How'd your juggle go? Oh, they found out about each other.
- Ahh.
- Huge fight, man.
I'm sorry, man, but that's what happens.
You go for two women, now you got neither.
Oh, no, I got one.
Turns out Ashlynn likes to fight for her man.
And guess what.
We're exclusive now.
- Hey.
- But Debbie's so upset.
She cut off her hair in front of me on camera.
She has a lumpy head.
I'm just glad I found out now.
Sir, if you'd like to fill out the incident report - about Gupta, I have the call cued up.
- Yeah, let's do this.
Mid America Novelties.
What do you want? I'm calling to order a pair of those truck nuts.
For God's sake, why? It sounds like he's already mad.
Yes.
He's out of control, sir.
This truck nuts gentleman has done nothing to provoke him.
You know what? Play the previous call.
Mama, they don't like me to take personal calls here.
This will only take a moment.
Your sister's future in-laws are visiting this weekend.
Oh, that's okay.
I can sleep on the sofa.
I think it would be best if you found somewhere else to stay tonight.
The Vermas are a very prominent family, and if you were there You're saying you don't want me there? I'm glad you understand, Beta.
"And then the suspect fled the scene of the crime, disposing of the murder weapon in a community compost heap.
" What's going on here? Oh, I'm teaching Santosh English.
"Police are still looking for the" "Se-ver-ed lim-bas.
" "Severed limbs.
" That's good for today.
I think Santosh cousin.
Ah, ah, ah, you mean, "I think that's my cousin.
" We have so much work to do.
We'll start again after you make my lunch.
What are you doing back so early? Well, uh, I was thinking, and, uh, maybe I was a little hard on you earlier, you know.
I'm sure you had a reason to go off on that customer.
Maybe there's some personal stuff going on? No.
Nope.
No.
Nothing.
No family stuff? No.
No.
No.
No.
No mom stuff? So the calls really are recorded for quality control and training purposes.
There never was an apartment.
You still live at home, huh? Yeah.
That was pretty rough, what your mom said.
Yes.
But I know you understand, because we are in the same boat.
You are the joke of your family too.
Well, no, I'm the disappointment of my family.
- Yeah, same thing.
- It's a little different.
Not really, Todd.
What My point is that you can't let your mom treat you like that, you know.
Respect is a two-way street.
No, no, no, not here.
Respect is a one-way street.
The signage is quite clear.
Respect your parents.
So what are you gonna do? The Vermas will be gone tonight.
I can go home.
You're gonna go back? That's what we do, Todd.
In India, we live at home until we get married.
Oh, man, that's rough.
I couldn't wait to leave home.
Dad was always on my case.
I had to get out.
Well, I mean, I slept in the guesthouse until I left college, and then I got out.
I was feeling like we were in the same boat until you mentioned you went to college and that your family has an extra house.
It's not like a whole house.
It's like a room with a bathroom and a kitchen.
Two rooms? I did it.
I did it, Todd.
- What? - I got my own place to live.
Hey! That's great.
Good for you, buddy.
It's great because we can share a rickshaw to work.
Why? I bet you'll be able to hear this! You're right underneath me! Can you believe it? I can't.
I almost don't want to.
Oh, isn't it great, Todd? I listened to you, and I went out on my own.
Yeah, you went out on your own Really, really close to where I went out on my own.
There's a communal bathroom down the hall.
But perhaps in the morning when there's a line, I could use yours? Ah, I should probably go after you, because Santosh's coffee really does a number on me.
Let me give you a tour.
Sink Bed And here we are.
It's a starter.
Dancing! I want to see everybody dancing! What? What? You're next.
You're next.
Gupta, you're out of cups.
No problem.
Here Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Todd.
Todd, I need cups! Todd! Todd, I need cups! Maybe you should get him some cups.
No, no.
No, just ignore him.
He'll go away.
I need cups, Todd! Plastic cups! What the hell? Hey, isn't this great? Now we have a talk hole.
Hey, Todd, I don't know if you heard me, but I need cups.
And bring her.
It's a sausage fest up here.