Raising Hope s01e14 Episode Script

- What are you doing? - I'm hiding from Maw Maw.
- Stay away from my husband! - Maw Maw! We have been through this! This is not your husband! Zip it, harlot! Wilfred, get back in our bed, where you belong.
I'll sneak out first chance I get.
Will you wait up? Considering the only reason we're here is 'cause I lost to you in a game of Yahtzee, no.
This is kind of nice.
You're always laughing at me when she thinks I'm her dead husband.
Not so funny when it's you.
I'm not finding it quite as humorous, no.
Well, good luck.
You might wanna put a little hot sauce on your neck, 'cause if she catches you, that's where she likes to lick.
- Hey, Jimmy? - Yeah, Dad? You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it? - I hope so.
- Me, too.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Wilfred! Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Wow, has it been 15 years? Wow.
Jimmy, check out this feather I found in the front yard.
I think it just fell out.
It's still warm.
Who is that? Who's on the phone? Who you talking to? I'm sorry I won't be here.
I have to work.
Burt, gross! That's dirty, just popped out of a bird's butt.
- Who are you talking to? - Would you stop it? Stop it! Okay, I will let them know you are on the way over.
Bye.
Who was that? Who's on the way over? - Your cousin, Delilah.
- What? No, no, no! Why did you tell her she could - How far away is she? - I don't know.
Close, I think.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! This is bad.
This is bad.
Burt, do my thing.
- Did she ask about Maw Maw? - I don't think so.
- Did she ask about - No! - What's going on? - This is really bad.
This is really bad! - Stop it! - Just tell us what's going on.
You have to understand my relationship with my cousin.
She would come stay with us every summer when we were kids.
And she had the best outfits, while I had to wear crap Maw Maw made.
My, my, my, Delilah Why, why, why, Delilah For six whole weeks, Maw Maw made me treat Delilah like company.
I don't know how anyone can sleep in this cheap little bed.
Well, you wanna trade? I'm sleeping on the stuffed frog down here.
No, that's stupid.
You're stupid.
By the time I was a teenager, I finally got to pick out my own clothes, but I had other setbacks to contend with.
And my cousin was a big shot because she had a beeper.
One day, we'll all communicate with only beepers and beeps.
That's when we met Burt.
He was a god.
And Delilah got to date him.
We're going swimming at Lake Wheeler tomorrow, and I'm gonna let him go to second base.
Don't worry, cripple cousin, I'll tell you all about it.
She'd already beaten me to first base , she wouldn't beat me to second.
Hey.
Delilah told me to tell you that she's on her period, has diarrhea and decided to become a lesbian.
But I like lakes.
I finally had something that Delilah didn't.
Forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take any more Forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take any more I loved him! I loved him! We went to the lake.
Second base was so much fun, I waved him around to third.
She seemed to be a big fan of third, so I just rounded the base and slid into home.
- Stop.
- Headfirst.
- Stop.
- He cured my scoliosis.
So that's why your cousin Delilah can't come over? No, I had to give you the background before I could tell you the rest.
Delilah never came back again, but she always made sure I knew how great her life was, family vacations, a two-year accredited college in Iowa City, a job in the tallest building in Scottsdale and business trips everywhere from Tulsa to glamorous eastern Lake Erie.
Her life was amazing.
Mine? Not so much.
Careful! How you doing in there, Son? Can you breathe? - This is awesome! Check it out.
We got off work early, had a few ales, and then Marcus and I bet Jimmy that he couldn't fit a boot on his head.
- Whoa! That's a huge zit! - I know what it is.
Hang on, Jimmy, I'm coming to Boot Town! Stay away from my campsite, you bears! Maw Maw, do not start a fire in the living room.
I am wasted! - Hello.
Ginny! Delilah! Blast from the past! I'm on a stopover between Tampa and Milwaukee.
Huge pharmaceutical conference up here in the old lake country.
It's not far from you, and my company's paying for a car rental.
So I figured why not come down and see how Maw Maw's doing? Plus, I'd love to see how life's treating you, sweetheart.
Maw Maw's dead.
Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was.
You both had boots on your head.
It's your fault, too.
I don't know, Mom.
I mean, wow.
Fine.
I screwed up.
Saying someone's grandma's dead I said I screwed up and it was stupid.
Can we move past that? You guys do way stupider stuff all the time, and I don't harp on it.
You harp all the time, about Hope and the serial killer.
You're a huge harper.
Why are you both ganging up on me? What? How the hell did she get here already? Your story did kind of take forever.
- We gotta sneak Maw Maw out of here.
Just tell Delilah you lied.
I lied to keep from being humiliated.
If she finds out I lied about Maw Maw, then I'll be even more humiliated.
If she finds out I lied about Maw Maw, then I'll be even more humiliated.
It's a vicious cycle, but it's not a vicious cycle I'm willing to break.
I'm not taking Maw Maw.
Ever since she thinks I'm Wilfred, she's having a real problem keeping her hands to herself.
And apparently, he was into some really unpleasant stuff.
No, you stay here.
You're better at acting fake friendly to people we hate.
- No, I can't take her.
I have to work.
- You take her with you.
Sometimes family has to make sacrifices for each other.
Like the one my lower body made pushing out that beach ball-size head of yours.
- You owe me for that.
- You owe us both for that.
- Hey, Delilah.
- Burt! - Well, hey! - Hey! Wow, the years sure have been kind to you, mister! I was hoping you'd be fat and bald, but, no, you are hot and hairful! - Delilah, you look good, too.
- Yeah, well, I work at it.
Plus being a pharmaceutical rep, I pretty much gotta test every new weight-loss drug they come out with.
The new one I'm on, I can eat a whole pie and it's back out in an hour.
Hey, we got pie.
Come on in.
Wherever you go in life, there's gonna be mean girls.
They will try to tear you down.
But what you have to do is be strong and confident and never be afraid to be yourself.
Let's do this.
Yeah, we keep the room just the way she had it.
Kind of a Maw Maw memorial.
Hey, Grandma! Burt told me you're a grandma now.
How's it feel being a grandma, you ol' grandma? It feels fantastic.
Well, that little thing must have you running around like crazy.
You look exhausted and skinny as ever, you poor thing.
- Did you just crinkle? - I spend a lot of time in the sun.
Hey, I'll be right back.
I just got her an orange soda and a pie, and now I'm gonna lock her back up in my van.
I don't know why you're hiding her.
Barney's gonna be gone all day training for the Big Brother /Little Brother Tandem Bicycle Race.
Oh, hey, I know.
You should make her the store greeter.
People love it when old people say hi to them.
That is such a good idea.
She loves strangers, which is everyone because she can never remember who anyone is.
Come on.
All right, Maw Maw, you just gotta smile and welcome people into the store.
Welcome, big nose and fat friend! Welcome, lady and ugly baby.
Welcome! Ooh, you smell bad.
Deodorant's on aisle three.
What's up, lesbos? Hey, honey, I hope you're nice to your husband 'cause he could have done a lot better.
Hey, dancing freak! Welcome.
Sorry, we don't sell chins.
Welcome.
Wanna see my ass? Wow.
- Thanks, Delilah.
Yeah.
Pot holders and laser pointers with the name of a wiener drug on them.
You really went all out.
Well, a polite houseguest never shows up empty handed.
Woodforall is based out of Tulsa.
If you ever find yourself in the area, Burt, there's a house band at the airport Sheraton that'll make you swear you've met Phil Collins.
I love going near the airport.
Okay, how about let's just cut the hoo-ha, can we? You haven't been here in 15 years.
Why now? When Maw Maw died, it was a crazy time for me, corporate restructuring, a kitchen remodel and I had areola-reduction surgery that was only half successful.
So I was a little too distracted to ask to see the will.
I'm gonna go see if we have any pie.
- There is no will.
- What? Well, after you told me she died, you sent me that box with the four quilts in it, but I just figured that was part of the will.
I just figured that was all you needed.
With your fancy job, you probably got piles in some Dow Jones account.
Well, I had close to $200,000 in '06, but as you know, that was before the stock market dipped.
My relationship to the stock market is like a tiny little ant's relationship to the stock market.
We got chicken pot pie.
I know it's not the pie we were talking about but - Burt.
- She's got a trick she does with pie.
- Burt! - I have an upside-down mortgage, Virginia, and a nipple with a quarter-inch pleat that I have to fix.
- I am due my part of the estate.
- The estate? - This is the estate.
You want half of this? - I want what is fair.
I deserve this house.
While you were off living the high life, jet-setting everywhere from Dallas all the way to Fort Worth, I was here for 20 years taking care of Maw Maw.
Which was no day at the beach.
Maybe it was, though, I don't know.
I have never had a day at the beach.
So, I guess we have to call some lawyers.
Fine.
Then they'll take everything in fees and we'll both get nothing.
I know you've got plastic wrap wrapped around that belly.
Oh, hey, Barney.
- Frank is your little brother? - Yeah.
My father left a few months ago.
It was devastating.
Oh, man.
Is your mom okay? She's fine.
She went with him.
They moved to Florida.
The biking helps him work off his anger from the trauma.
Sabrina, could you turn around for a moment? These bike pants have a mind of their own.
- Why would you let her in there? - Just trying to pass the time, man.
James! Unless there's some special on aged meats I don't know about, would you please remove your great-grand Maw Maw from the deli case? I may need some personal time today.
Virginia still changing the baby? Listen, you weren't really serious about taking half this house, were you? I mean, I know you and Virginia don't get along, but she's just a little jealous of you, that's all.
- She always felt like you had everything.
- I didn't have everything.
I didn't have you.
She doesn't want me to take part of a house she feels is hers? Well, I feel she took something that was mine.
- What are you getting at here? - I don't wanna fight about this house.
There'll be lawyers involved, they'll take everything and you'll be out on the street.
Tell you what.
You wanna keep my half of the estate? Then I want a little piece of you.
Virginia! You want Burt to go to second base with you? I want what I would've had at Lake Wheeler.
Are you that starved for physical affection? Yes.
And I hate you.
Look, you have my offer, think about it.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go out and get myself a nice Brazilian wax.
Just because your hands have to stay above my waist doesn't mean mine have to.
Whoa.
Nice job not punching her.
You're not considering this, are you? I'm just looking at what's on the table here.
Second base, that's under the bra.
Who knows what kind of nipple drama I'm gonna find under there? If the tables were turned, I would do it for you.
You'd go to second with my cousin Paul? This day is blowing my mind.
I'm not saying I would want to.
Are you sure? 'Cause it came up pretty quick.
Paul has neck hair and a chin the size of a flip-flop, but I would French the hell out of that circus freak if our house was at stake! Can't you just tell her the truth? We'll just be in the same spot when Maw Maw does die.
And, plus, if Delilah finds out I lied, she's just gonna try and use it against us in court.
It's just a big, hot, wet mess.
Baby, I screwed up.
I'm so sorry.
Fine.
I'll go to second base with your cousin.
But if it's okay with you, I'm gonna be thinking about your pretty cousin, Cathy.
No, that's not okay with me.
How about Aunt Rhonda? She's your aunt.
Do whatever you want.
Okay.
Thanks so much for helping me take care of Maw Maw.
Oh, no problem.
Thanks for this great deli spread.
Besides, I'll just get out the finger paints and the music.
No, no, no! All these years I thought if I ever got to touch another woman's breast, it would be my freebie.
And if you ever run into Xena, Warrior Princess, you still have my blessing.
Just like you still have my blessing if you ever meet former Olympic hero Greg Louganis.
Ready to hand-tenderize my she-meat? I'm all plucked.
Oh, and I want you to wear this.
How dare she expect me to put a bag over my head.
Like she's some prize package.
Oh, wait, there's clothes in here.
The good news is there was only, like, a couple gallons of gas in my moped.
- How many miles per gallon does it get? - Three hundred.
I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.
Hey, Sarge, I lost another one.
An 84-year-old woman on a moped.
Hair color? Will you just let me know if you find an 84-year-old woman on a moped? There she is! Hey! Dancin' Dan, where did you get that moped? I traded with your Maw Maw.
Whoa! I got a brand-new pair of roller skates You got a brand-new key She couldn't have gotten far, right? What are the odds she could wear your skates? I dunno.
I have pretty small feet.
What the hell is that? Your great-Maw Maw hit me on the head with this boom box and stole our bike! I miss my daddy.
Whoo! Thanks for putting on the clothes I got ya.
Looking good! Jelly up, cowboy.
I'm afraid all that working outdoors might have made your hands a little too scratchy for my girly parts.
Did you bring protection in case you can't stop at second? - Won't be a problem.
- You sure about that? You haven't seen me get my groove on.
Yeah.
Love is like candy on a shelf Whoo! You want to taste and help yourself The sweetest things are there for you Help yourself, take a few That's what I want you to do We're always told repeatedly You like what you see? I took exotic dance classes at my local church.
Really? Before that, you were worse than this? Okay, come on.
Let's get it on.
Ugh! You really think this is right, what you're doing here? Sure do.
Come on.
Kiss me, squeeze me, do something.
Doesn't it gross you out being in Maw Maw's bed? What do you think she'd have to say about this? I was always Maw Maw's favorite.
If she could see me, I think she'd be just fine.
Go on.
Go on and get 'em.
Come on.
Hey! Get your hands off him! He's a married man, you harlot! You can have it all, Virginia, the house, Burt, and the ghost of that crazy old woman! Hey, for the record, I did get to second base! My hand was on the bag! The left one was kind of like this, but the right one was more like - That's disgusting.
- Hold on.
I'm not done.
Leave Delilah alone.
I used to think she was spoiled and evil, but now I think she's just sad and lonely.
She's been all over the country, and she's never found what we've got right here.
Yeah, single people are kind of pathetic.
After a certain age, you're sort of like, "Whoa, why doesn't anyone love you?" Am I that age? - No! - Creeping up on it.
You'll find somebody to call your own.
I have faith.
Good morning, Wilfred.
- Looks like you're back to being Wilfred.
- Great.
Well, at least you have somebody to call your own.
You think other families have to do stuff like this, and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it? Nope.
English - US - SDH