Reno 911! (2003) s01e14 Episode Script

( Jones ) We got a couple Of trespassers here, And there they are.
( Garcia ) Time to chase them away.
What the hell are you two Doing out here, huh ?! What the hell Are you kids doing out here ? It's too late.
My partner Asked you a question.
We have no problem taking Your little asses to jail.
You wanna go to jail ? You wanna Go to jail ? Or you wanna Go to juvie, hmm ?! Huh ?! Why don't we call Your parents ?! We'll call your parents, Right now ! Right now !! All right, okay, Listen up, okay, Okay, we got a bigger group Of y'all than i thought.
And listen up, now, Y'all just clear on Out of here, okay ?! Please, just go home, Okay, you guys ? Please, seriously, Just, please, go home.
All right, You know what ? My partner will count To three, okay ? And you had better be gone ! I'll do it, I'll count.
He will count ! One Two-- ( Screaming ) You son of a ( bleep ) ! You son of a ( bleep ) ! Mother ( bleep ) ! We're being egged ! ( Bleep ) ( Screaming ) Son of a bitch ! God damn it ! Aahhhhh ! Aahhhhh ! My ankle, my ankle ! Just go without me ! No, i will not Go without you ! You ( bleep ) ! Go, go, go, go ! Son of a bitch ! Aagghhhh ! Stay down ! Stay down ! Stay down ! Son of a bitch ! ( Screaming ) ( Continuous screaming ) ( Sirens blaring ) Oh ho, oh, ho-ho ! Aggghhhh ! Here you go-- Lal-la, yeah ( Screaming ) ( Screaming ) Oh-ho-ho ! ( Sirens blaring ) ( Man ) Good evening.
I'm sheriff Walter chechekevitch.
I'd like to tell you About an evening About, oh, 10 years ago.
It was halloween eve.
I'd been on the force About 10 years, And i got the dreaded call, Domestic disturbance.
And to make matters Worse, That call was To the dalton house.
Ooh As i made my way toward That front gate, I turned And i saw that grandma dalton Was coming down, With that hatchet That she was carrying, And i raised my arm To defend myself.
Now, please, I don't wanna see any of you Lose your hand This halloween evening.
Or any other appendage For that matter.
Trust no one.
Not your fellow officer, Tonight, Not your wife, Not your husband, Not even a little kitty.
Now, get on out there And protect that community ! ( Sighing ) ( Laughter ) That's really How he lost his hand ? He didn't lose his hand.
I could see his fingers Through his thing.
( Junior ) Sheriff check-your-shorts ? He's goofing.
You don't remember Last year ? He came in And he was all-- He had a peg leg.
Yeah.
He does, It's a little thing.
Why are you Wearing that ? Because, once again, I was told by each And every one of you That you were coming to work In costume today, And, once again, Like the last eight years, I show up optimistically In a costume, And i'm the only one Wearing one, So, ha-ha, trudy.
( Garcia ) Check-a-goof Came in with one.
"Oh, what do we have there ? It's my costume !" It's very funny.
Guys, we all joke around, But But, seriously, The sheriff, He's a crazy, old man, But he's absolutely right.
Halloween is an awful night, So watch your ass, Seriously, people.
( Screaming ) ( Jones ) Hey, teetee.
What's going on What's the matter now, Teetee ? Calm down ! Slow your roll, lady, All right ?! Let me tell you something, Let me tell you something, Halloween ain't no joke, Huh ?! Halloween Ain't no joke.
Halloween ain't no joke ! Teetee, no-- teetee, You made a killing tonight ! No, you got a lot Of candy, here ! Hey ! Hey, i know you ! Yeah, you know me.
Hey, how you doing, Brother ?! Yeah, I'm good, i'm good.
I'm very good.
Who's that white boy You with ? That's garcia, You know him.
It's me, james garcia.
You know him.
I don't know you ! Yeah, You want a profile ? Profile, profile, That's me.
( Grunting ) No, no, no, no, no ! Teetee, you'd better stop it.
Stop it, teetee ! ( Screaming ) Come on, sweetheart ! Come on, baby ! Nuh-uh, no ! No, she's trying To hump me, now, man.
No, ugh ! Okay, You know what ? Why don't we-- Let's go to the car, okay ? Teetee-- I got-- I got her.
I got her, uh-huh.
Teetee-- Can you get-- Teetee ! No, teetee ! Boy, i feel Like i'm rich ! We got white people Driving us around ! Yeah.
You know What i'm saying ? Like he's a chauffeur, And like we-- We're the important people In the back.
"Driving miss teetee".
Huh ?! Yeah.
Every year on halloween night, The neighborhood kids Get a real gas Out of coming over To trudy wiegel's house, And nabbing one of her cats.
This year, I've set up a sting operation, So i've got a taxidermied cat On my front lawn.
He was real at one time.
That was tigger, He died of an ingrown de-claw.
But, so far, no takers.
Holy crap, we got one, We got one ! Holy hell ! Holy hell ! I can see you ! I see you ! Holy-- hey ! Ah, trudy ! ( Dangle ) Wiegel, we were Patrolling the alley.
Thank god you're here, We followed two korean kids.
They were in this alley, And we thought we'd come up And check on them.
Oh, hell ! Because we thought they were Doing all this stuff.
Well, good thing You were here.
Thanks for scaring Those guys away.
You know, we could probably-- We could probably Get them in pursuit.
I'll catch them ! Yeah, go ! I'll hold the fort here ! ( Dangle ) Yeah, look for korean kids, And you'll see-- You'll know.
Here-- Here, take one, joe.
Get over that-- That, uh ( Bleep ), She's coming back.
Did you guys see them ? The koreans ? He got away.
Oh, man.
Holy crap ! Tigger ! Tigger ! Tigger ? Here, kitty, Kitty, kitty, kitty ! Here, kitty, kitty, Kitty, kitty ! Oh ! It's awful, Just awful.
Oh ! Oh, jim ! Another halloween, They got me.
They got me.
The ( bleep ) koreans.
The ( bleep ) koreans.
Yeah.
This is private property, sir, Sir, this is private property.
Private property, sir.
Put your hands Up in the air.
Hands in the air, Hands in the air.
Hands in the air, Hands in the air, sir ! Hand in the air ! Trick or treat.
Eiee ! Eiee ! You guys wanna come in For some candy ? No, thank you.
Another 1018.
One thing that i cannot stand About halloween What is this fascination With people putting Firecrackers up cat's butts ? I don't understand Why that's fun.
I don't like kids Begging for food.
No.
Okay ? I think it's a whole thing That is setting them off For welfare living, Okay ? Because there they are, They're going Out of their house, They're blowing up stuff, They're showing up with a bag And they're begging for food.
That's gonna set the pattern For the rest of their life.
They're not gonna Want to work on a job.
They're gonna beg for money.
They're gonna beg For food checks, okay ? I gotta disagree.
I trick-or-treated As a kid, And i am not on welfare.
I have always been Gainfully employed.
Well, you're one Of the lucky ones.
Where are you going ?! Where are you going ?! Back up.
What are you doing tonight ? Defacing some property ? Starting a fire, maybe ? That's nice, "Satan is my friend.
" What's up ? What's going on ? What are we doing here ? What are we doing here ? Just having a little fun On halloween-- Satan's birthday.
Yeah, sounds like a blast, Satan's birthday ? Yeah.
Hate to break it to you, Satan doesn't exist.
Let's all sit down, Let's all sit down.
Yeah, on the ground.
Let's talk about The true spirit Of halloween here.
Halloween Is a celebration Of the changing Of the seasons.
All right, You ever heard of wicca ? Wicca ? It's an earth-based Religion.
Okay ? There is no devil.
There is no horned god, All right ? He doesn't exist.
There are Gods and goddesses.
I don't know what this Little shindig is, And that better be Light beer.
That better be light beer.
It's gonna go straight To your gut.
You're gonna have a beer belly By the time you're 17.
It's not attractive, It's not sexy.
This is for funsies, okay ? I don't know why we have To make this big smigilla About this stuff.
I mean, i'm here To scare people.
Traumatized here, And the woman here.
Scared Half out of her mind.
Again, scared, Say it again, "scared".
Scary house.
It's called A "scary house".
Okay, every year, I do this.
I have never had anybody-- Have you ever been Called out to my house ? Never, never.
Well, i don't know If i have, But i know The sheriff's department has.
Well, okay, that was something Totally different, And that i was pardoned for.
When i'm in there, I'm in character, okay ? And i'm not steve marmilla.
Okay ? I'm a-- ooh ! You know, i'm a-- ooh ! Rib cage, I'm a ghoul of the night.
If i should happen to brush up Against, you know-- Don't, hey, ho-- I'm sorry.
What i find outrageous Is that she didn't feel, Like, a brush Up against her breast.
She felt a human penis In a bowl, okay ? That's the statement That she gave my partner.
What ?! A human penis In a spaghetti bowl.
She-- these are-- That is entrails of doom.
Well, you don't deny That this is spaghetti ? You do not deny that this Is spaghetti ? Oh, you caught me ! It's spaghetti ! Yeah, that's your bowl, Right there.
What the hell Is happening here ? This is crazy, It's absolutely crazy.
That's your bowl, Right, sir ? And what's With this hole here ? What's the hole Here for ? It's the entrails ! Agggh ! Agggghh ! Entrails Do you deny that That could fit a human penis ? If the hole fits, Wear it, sir.
If the hole fits, Wear it.
What ?! I'm gonna teach you A little spell.
We're gonna Call it a "spell".
You can call it A "magical rite", Whatever.
But if you need To get back at somebody, And take your power back, What you can do is, "a", Get a personal object From that person.
Summon the energies Of the four winds.
You're gonna chant, "Fire Malice Fear" Fire, malice, fear.
Times three.
Times three.
"So and so" Justin timberlake.
" Feel my treachery.
" Do you have time To hang out with us For a little bit Tonight ? I would love to 'Cause candles Smell really good.
I'd actually like to find out Where you got those.
( Williams ) Oh, look at this, here, What do we have here ? Ugh ! Get back ! Move ! Get back ! What's wrong with you, Huh ?! This is foolish.
This is the oldest trick In the book ! "Oh, i'm gonna go out And get a bag of boo-boo.
"I'm gonna put it On the man's doorstep.
"He's gonna come outside, "See the bag, Bom-bom-bom ! "Step on the bag, then, he got Boo-boo all on his foot.
" That is foolishness ! I'm gonna go on And tell you right now, I knew what you was gonna do, 'Cause, what ? I got eyes In the back of my head.
And i'm gonna go on And tell you right now, It's halloween, And i'm gonna Let you slide, But the next time, It's gonna be me and you.
You understand ? Now, get to getting I said, git ! Now, you go on and continue To have a safe night.
Halloween Agghhh ! What did you do ?! What did you do ?! All my makeup was in there ! I'll tell you, It's real scary To be a police officer On halloween.
One year, i remember, We had free candy out.
You know, Someone had brought in Free candy for everyone In the station, And i near choked to death On a jolly rancher.
You take your life In your own hands In this business, Especially, Around halloween.
Halloween Is truly hell on earth For a law enforcement Officer.
I wouldn't wish what happens To us on my worst enemy.
People wanna ( bleep ) us up On halloween.
Was it your car that had The port-a-potty dumped ? The whole-- Well, yeah.
You were in it, Though.
Yeah, I don't know how-- They were very organized, Those little ( bleep ).
Mm-hmm.
We've got another "o.
K.
Corral" Here at the liquor store.
It's another crazy halloween, Oh my god.
Dangle ! What happened ? ( Dangle sobbing ) Jones got this one ! Jones got this one ! He got this one ! What happened ? We got five ? We got five-- No, calm down ! What happened ? What happened ? Don't walk through it, Don't contaminate it.
What happened ? What happened ?! ( Sobbing ) Am i gonna have to smack you ? I can't understand you.
Take it easy.
It's okay ! It's okay ! ( Johnson gasping ) I'm gonna ride With him ! ( Crying ) It's all right, It's all right.
It's okay, baby.
It's okay, Come on, now.
It's okay, It's okay.
( Laughter ) Happy halloween ! Happy halloween ! Thanks, man, Thanks ! Mash He did The monster mash The monster mash It was a graveyard Smash He did the mash It caught on In a flash Hey, you guys.
Lloyd, i'm gonna need a bottle Of jagy and six shots.
What is this about, Jones ? You'll see, You'll see.
Jones had something That i think He probably Wanted all of us to see, So just bear with me, All right ? ( All gasping ) ( Johnson ) Sorry, no, that's not it ! Just look at wiegel's cat suit Or something.
Why did you bring that Up in here ? That's not it, That's not it ! Whoa ! Wow.
Okay, all right, Sorry, sorry.
That's not it.
( Wiegel ) How do you know he wanted us To see-- Whoa ! Whoa ! That's not it ! You are a whore.
Oh, shut up, Okay, okay, okay.
That's great.
( Jones ) I've had a lot in my day, You know that ? You know who's A booty call ? Is williams.
Williams Is a damn booty call.
I'm a booty call ? I'm a booty call, Jonesy ? I'm sorry-- This is not-- I thought it was cued up, You guys.
I'm sorry.
( Johnson ) What ? Garcia's impotent.
( Bleep ) damn it ! Son of a bitch ! No-- Something that dangle would hate Anyone to know about him, Dangle wears a toupee.
It is not a toupee ! It is not a toupee ! It is not a toupee ! ( Screaming ) It is-- If i were to die on duty, You know, serving reno, Protecting reno You've though About that, huh ? I mean, if i were to die, That's how i'd die.
I'd like to die on the force.
And, you know, I don't want any tears, I don't want a huge fanfare Or anything.
Just go to lloyd's bar, And have a shot of jagy.
Hey.
Do 10, And every time, say "jones".
Jones.
Let's go, guys.
I can't even Do one ! Shut up, You'll do 10.
He was drunk, You guys.
I'd just like to say, To all of you It's not a toupee, It's, uh, it's, uh-- It's human hair.
Who gives A ( bleep ) ? ( Sighing ) ( Garcia ) Jonesie ( Tearing up ) I'm gonna miss you, jones.
I'm gonna miss you, Man.
Boo ! ( Screaming ) ( Laughing ) ( Screaming ) ( Garcia ) You son of a bitch ! ( Chaotic screaming ) ( Williams ) I cannot believe You did this ! ( Whispering ) Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming.
Let's do it again, Let's do it again.
( Chuckling ) Shhh ! Shhh ! ( Pretend sobbing ) Hey, you guys.
( Sobbing ) Have this.
Boo ! ( Screaming ) ( Gunshots ) ( Jones gasping ) Guys ? Guys ! ( Screaming )