Sanford and Son (1972) s01e14 Episode Script

Excuse me.
Are you the gentleman that left this card on my truck? Yes.
I didn't see you around when I came home a little while ago.
I have an item in here I think you might be interested in.
Come in.
- What? - What size shoe do you wear? What size Nine and a half.
What's that got to do with anything? Here.
Put these on.
I can't stay long.
I got to get back to work.
You don't understand.
It's the carpet.
It's antique Persian.
It's very valuable.
- So would you put these on, please? - All right.
I don't know why I got to put on slippers for.
Not on that chair.
It's a Chippendale.
It's very valuable, very delicate.
Not on the wallpaper.
It's French.
Hand-blocked.
Very delicate.
I don't have time to play games.
If you got something to sell, bring it out here and let's get it over with.
You wait right here.
I'll bring you a chair.
What kind of nut is this? Here you are.
Is it all right for me to step down in the slippers? - Oh, yes, of course.
- I wouldn't wanna wear 'em out in case they're valuable and delicate.
Well, just don't brush up against anything and knock it over.
- Let's just forget about this.
I'll - You don't understand.
It's taken me a long time to collect all these things.
I'm just a little nervous about them.
You don't have to tell me that.
I'm a collector myself.
And where do you think I live, in a packing crate? Well, excuse me.
Will you follow me? Say, listen, are you sure it's me you wanna do business with? We go in for antiques, sure, but mostly our business is junk.
I know.
But I want you to take this.
- What's the matter with it? - There's nothing the matter with it.
- I just want it out of here.
- Why? It looks great in this room.
I don't care what it looks like.
I want it out of here.
- It was my wife's.
- Did she die? No.
Unfortunately.
She's no longer here.
I don't want anything of hers in here either.
- Well? What do you say? - What do I say? - How much do you want for it? - Nothing.
I just want it out of here.
- You mean for nothing? - That's right.
Well, see I don't know about that.
If you were to call up a piano moving outfit they would charge you a pretty good penny to get this out of here.
But I'm letting you have it for nothing.
You can sell it.
You just try and sell a piano today.
Pianos are out.
You know what's in? Guitars.
That's right.
Well, look I was reading an article in Ebony just today.
Do you read Ebony? - No.
- Why not? I read Life.
- Well, listen - I was reading this article in Ebony and it was going on to say that the guitar business in this country has shot sky high, but pianos, that's I'll give you ten dollars to take it away.
- You must be crazy.
- I'll give you 15.
Fifteen? I got a partner.
How we gonna split 15 dollars? I'll give you 20.
You don't want to do it for that, I'll get somebody else.
I'll take the 20.
I shouldn't 'cause I can get hurt on this job and I don't have any insurance.
Twenty dollars.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
I'll have to go get my partner.
We'll be back this afternoon.
In the meantime, I don't want you to give that piano to anybody else.
- I won't.
- I'll see you later.
Say, listen, Lamont, me and you can't move no piano.
That's heavy work.
Besides, I got a sacroiliac.
Say, Pop, everybody's got a sacroiliac.
Yeah, but not like mine.
See, you wasn't in the war.
You wasn't wounded.
Are you gonna start that again? What war were you ever in? World War II.
I never got over it.
Staggering under that 40-pound pack.
You know you never left Fort Dix, New Jersey.
And the only pack that ever made you stagger was a six-pack.
How would you like one across your lip? Do you wanna do this job or don't you? If you do, stop talking.
- If you don't, we'll just go home.
- I'll do it.
Although it'll hurt my back, I'll do it.
It's gonna hurt my back, but I'll do it.
I don't care if it does hurt my back.
I'll do it.
Well, we're back.
This is my partner.
Come in.
Do you think you'll be able to manage? He looks a little old to be doing heavy work like moving a piano.
That's what I tried to tell him.
Don't worry.
I'll take most of the strain.
See, it's my back.
Hasn't been the same since the war.
- You were in the war.
- Yeah, the big one.
World War II.
Paratrooper.
Jump behind German lines.
But I don't wanna talk about it.
Do you know you're right? I've been telling him that all day.
- My son don't like to hear war stories.
- Son? You brought your father to help? I already told you that I'm gonna do most of the lifting.
It's none of my business, but shouldn't he be retired? You'd think so after all I did for my country and my son.
Why do you make him work like this? That's all right.
I won't be doing it much longer.
Any day now I'll be going to join my wife Elizabeth.
- Would you stop that.
- See, it's Sanford and Son now.
But when I'm gone, the business will all be his alone.
It'll be Dummy, Incorporated.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about Dummy, Incorporated? I brought you up here to move this piano.
This man doesn't need to know anything about our personal business.
Gentlemen! I don't want any scenes here.
- Are you up to the job or aren't you? - I told you we could.
Let us do it.
- All right.
- Come on, Pop.
Let get this thing.
- Oh, yeah.
- What's the matter? What size shoe do you wear? Go on.
Tell him what size shoe you wear.
I wear a ten.
What we gonna do, dance? It's the carpet.
It's antique.
With those heavy boots, you wouldn't want to walk on an old Persian carpet.
With these heavy boots, I'll walk on a old Persian.
Here.
Sorry.
This is all I have in size ten.
Who wore these last, the thief of Baghdad? I don't know how you find these people.
- It's the chair.
- It's a Chippendale.
Not for sitting.
You ought to get a Sears Roebuck.
They're made for sittin'.
The wallpaper.
It's French.
Very delicate.
You stay right here.
I'll be right back.
What's he doing with all these slippers around here? He don't want nobody to walk on his old rugs.
You know what I think? I think he's a fruitcake.
Or maybe just a plain fruit.
Would you stop it.
What's he doing home this time of day in that fruity robe? - I don't know.
What do I care? - 'Cause he's fruity.
Where's his wife? I already told you, Pop, they're separated.
And you know why? His guests don't have to worry about where they gonna lean or sit or walk.
They just fly around the room.
Listen to me.
I don't care anything about this man's personal life.
We're here to move a piano.
Well, you just keep an eye on him and watch his shoulders.
That's how you can tell.
Watch his shoulders.
- Here you are.
- See that? - See? See what? - Nothing.
I was talking to him.
Would you like some help? - No, I don't want no help.
- Well, I'll leave you two alone.
If you need anything, you just call me.
Say, listen.
Just a moment.
- Will your wife be coming around today? - My wife and I are separated.
Wait a minute.
Come here.
What happened between you two? I don't think that concerns you.
One more question.
The reason why I asked you 'cause a lot of people get separated nowadays.
I just wanted to know what the reason was.
Excuse my father.
He's got a habit of poking his nose in people's business.
If you really must know, our marriage wasn't working, so we separated.
Now I have a whole new way of life which I prefer.
Is that all right? That's what I wanna ask you about.
Come here.
That's what I wanna ask you, about that whole new way of life.
What's the matter with you? What are you asking people personal questions for? - That's embarrassing.
- We better get on out of here 'cause this place might get raided.
Because I'm tellin' ya, that guy is What are you worried about? If this place gets raided while we're here all we have to do is tell 'em that we came to move a piano.
In these? We got a job to do.
Let's just do it and get it over with.
- Hey, Lamont.
- Huh? This is a nice apartment here.
I wonder how much the rent is.
What difference does it make? You could never live here.
Supreme Court said I could live anywhere I want to.
Yeah, well, you better get the Supreme Court to pay your rent.
Come on over here and let's get this started.
- Look here.
Here's his checkbook.
- Would you put that back.
Look here.
$320 to Mrs.
Martinson.
- That must've been his wife.
- Pop, put that down.
And $100 to Duane Hudson.
I bet I know who Duane is.
Get away from there.
Just get - Are you looking for something? - No.
I was just putting Come on, son.
We got to move this piano over here.
Well, your father seems willing to work.
Yeah.
I always say if you got a job to do, do it and get it over with.
Exactly.
Too bad the young people today don't understand any of that.
- Yeah.
You got any kids? - No.
I didn't think so.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Oh, hello, darling.
I want to take this in the other room.
Will you hang it up for me, please? I speak all that.
I learned that overseas in the army.
You double-crossing old What are you doing? - Would you put Get away from here.
- Hush.
Give me this phone.
- What's the matter with you? - Did you hear him say "darling"? I can swear it was a man's voice on the other end.
Are you gonna get started on this job or not? All right.
Okay.
I bet that was Duane on the phone.
Hey, Lamont, look here.
This is the kind of cigarette they smoke.
Would you put that down.
"My goodness.
" I'd sure would like to be here Saturday night when Duane and all the rest of the guests be around here smoking these cigarettes and sittin' around in their slippers.
"Oh, my goodness.
" "Excuse me.
How long have you been doing manual labor?" - Put that down and get over here.
- Okay.
- Can't take a minute out for a few - What's the matter with you? Well, what do you think? I ain't lifting this.
What do you mean, you're not lifting this? I ain't gonna rupture myself for no ten bucks.
Pop, don't you understand? We're not just getting ten dollars.
The man is giving us a Steinway.
The man is giving us a hernia.
- You wanna quit? - How you gonna lift it? All we got to do is push it.
It's on rollers.
Just watch.
Just get down here, try to get this - Now what are you doing? - Excuse me.
I didn't know you were still talking on the phone.
- What was that for? - He's still talking to Duane.
Get over here.
Stay away from that phone.
- We got to move this piano.
- What do you want me to do? Yes? Was there something you wanted? I was just wondering could you give me a drink of something.
Well, how about a glass of milk? Milk.
No.
That's too heavy.
My bayonet wound in the infantry.
Infantry? I thought you said you were in the paratroopers.
That's true.
When I jumped, I landed on a guy who was in the infantry and he had his bayonet out.
Oh.
I see.
Make it a beer or gin.
Beer.
Brandy.
That's what the old army doctor used to always say beer when it's near, brandy when it's handy.
- I'll see which I have.
- Beer or brandy or vodka or bourbon.
Rum.
Tequila.
You get more ridiculous by the minute.
Listen.
This is what we're gonna do.
I'll lift the piano and all you have to do is get underneath it and pull out the carpet.
You can't lift no piano.
I can lift it long enough for you to pull out the carpet.
Just get down there.
Is that asking too much? - No, no.
- Get down there.
I'll lift the piano.
You lift it up and I'll pull the rug out.
- Don't let him do that.
- What? Don't let him make you lift that heavy piano.
That's ridiculous.
Here.
Have some brandy.
I bet you can use it.
I sure can.
Thank you.
Here's to you, son.
Listen.
You better cut that out.
You just better cut it out.
- You're making me look like a heel.
- What did I do? It's what you've been doing ever since we came in here.
You've been lying and snooping around and trying to make me out to be a rat.
- I want you to stop it.
- I didn't do nothin' like that.
Now what's going on? What's he doing to you? Is he threatening you? - Everything's all right.
- It's not all right.
I don't like the way you treat your father.
In fact, I don't like your attitude.
You better go.
I'm gonna get somebody else.
Wait.
Don't do that now.
He just loses his temper every now and then.
But he don't mean it.
Besides, we need the job.
Oh.
Well, all right, for your sake.
I'm doing it for his sake only.
You don't realize what a nice old gentleman your father is.
He served in the army.
Worked hard.
Why, he was even wounded at the front.
Yeah, and in the stomach.
If you need anything, you just call me.
I don't wanna talk to you.
I don't wanna say nothing to you.
I don't wanna hear it.
Just move this piano.
Just move out of the way.
- I'll do it myself.
- You gonna take on a job like That's it.
Lift it on this end and kick it with your foot.
Come on.
Kick it.
There you go.
Now move around over here somewhere.
That's it, son.
It's not too heavy.
Just lift it on up there and kick it with your left No.
Push down when you kick it.
There you go.
When you get this one over here, I'll pull the rug out.
There you go.
You got it? Easy now.
Don't drop it.
There you go.
I wonder why he didn't come in then.
He always comes in here when it looks like you're doing all the work.
Well, what we gonna do now? As soon as I rest a little bit we're gonna push it over there by the door 'cause it'll roll now.
- It'll roll? - Yeah.
Let me see if it'll roll.
Should be easier if it'll roll.
Oh, yeah.
That's much nicer.
I can almost do this by myself.
- Well, you did it again.
- Did what? Nothing.
Just get help me over to the door.
We ain't never gonna get this piano through the door.
It'll get through there.
How do you think they got it in? You think they built the apartment around it? - Watch that rug there.
- Listen.
Anything that goes up, comes down.
Anything that goes in, goes out.
That's the first rule of physics.
- First rule of physics.
- That's right.
You don't know that much.
- Wait a minute, Pop.
- You see And the second rule of physics it's stuck.
I didn't mean to try to get it through this way.
Listen.
Pull it back.
- Push it.
- I meant to bring it over here turn it on its side and get it through sideways.
I told you once before.
I ain't lifting this piano.
You don't have to lift it.
You just come over here turn it on its side, and we'll wiggle it through.
- Okay, but - You're certainly taking a long time getting this out of here.
Yes, we're certainly taking a long time getting this out of here.
If I'd known you were going to take that long, I wouldn't have Hello.
Oh, hello, darling.
I can't talk very long.
I have some people here - and they're moving Sylvia's piano out.
- Will you wiggle it.
That'll be the last of Sylvia.
What she ever needed a piano for, I'll never know.
She never got past "Chopsticks.
" That's it.
Twist it.
Turn it.
Now, wiggle it.
Push it.
Wait.
Look, Lamont.
I pushed it and wiggled it and twist it.
What am I gonna do next, the funky chicken? Stop trying to be so funny and just push this thing in here.
- It came in here.
It's got to come out.
- It ain't gonna make it.
- You'll never get it through the door.
- That's what I just told him.
- What are you gonna do? - We're gonna have to take the legs off.
- The legs don't come off.
- How did they get the dumb thing in? How would I know? I'm not a piano mover.
- Me either.
- You shouldn't have taken the job.
That's what I told him.
I had to bring it over here to find out if we'll get through the door.
Otherwise, how would I know? It'll come out of here because it came in here.
Is that your truck parked out in front? - Yes, it is, officer.
- You better get it out of there.
You're in a ten-minute loading zone, and you've been there for half an hour.
Well Okay, as soon as I move the piano.
Now.
If you don't get it out of there right now, I'm gonna write you a ticket.
- After that, I'm gonna have it towed.
- Listen.
I have to move this piano.
Look, first the truck and then the piano.
Okay? Okay.
You heard what he said.
Let's go downstairs and move the truck.
- You can't leave now.
- You heard what that policeman said.
I don't care what he said.
I demand you finish the job.
Listen.
I'm sick of you and this job and this piano.
Let's get out of here, Pop.
- Excuse me.
- What am I supposed to do? Come on.
Come on.
Pull it back in.
Who? Who, me? Pull it back in by myself? With my bayonet wound? Are you crazy? What am I supposed to do? I have guests coming.
Get some of your guests to help you.
I'll sue you.
I'll sue you both.
I'm gonna call my attorney right now.
Samson and Son.
That's it, isn't it? No, it's Samson and Delilah.
I'm Samson.
We got a piano that belongs to us stuck in the door and that guy's never gonna give us that 20 bucks.
- What are we gonna do now? - We'll do like they did in the Bible.
You know, Moses was being chased by the Egyptians.
And he came upon the Red Sea and he stuck his arms out over the sea and the sea divided.
- So we gonna do like Moses? - No, we gonna do like the Red Sea.
- We're gonna split.
- I'm with you.
- Say, Lamont.
- Huh? You know that guy up there? He was really fruity.
Stop that, Pop.
- Right.
He could've been a Nazi.
- What are you talking about? Did you notice when I mentioned the war, he started talking German? That's right.
You know, Hitler wasn't too cool.
Everybody said he was You remember that salute? "Hi, Hitler.
" - Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- Okay, but Hey, Lamont.
- Look.
- Oh, no.
We left our shoes up there.
And I just had my heels fixed.
- You wanna go back up there? - I don't think so.
That guy will only make more trouble for us.
You mind wearing them? - I don't mind.
- Let's go.
Coming, Delilah.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.