She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e14 Episode Script
Beyond the Beyond
Ah, thank you, Yeoman.
No, Captain, thank you.
We've seen a lot of God's miracles on our voyages through space together, Mr.
Snork.
But I think she tops the list.
Scientifically speaking, Captain, there is nothing miraculous about the yeoman.
Her chemical composition is actually 94% water, 2% carbon Mr.
Snork, there are some things science simply cannot explain.
ALIEN: Go no further.
You have been warned.
And this could just be one of them now.
Gentlemen.
Battle stations! (ALL EXCLAIMING) Mr.
Snork, what is that? Fascinating.
Scientifically, this is not possible.
Die, earthling! Yeoman McNally! My God! She's turned into a cube! Technically, she's a dodecahedron.
(ALIEN GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) No! Captain.
Now she is dust, as you all soon shall be! What a load of old rubbish! IAN: You may be an experienced publisher, but your publicists don't have a firm grasp on my book.
Nice paper.
IAN: I should be interviewed by Time, Newsweek, The Economist, not cheap periodicals that celebrate gore.
I am deconstructing the foundations of modern mythology! I know my book was called Satan's Sex Slaves, but that's not the point.
Would you plaster Irving Stone across Big Hooters Monthly because his book was called The Agony and The Ecstasy? You would? (SIGHING) All right, what is the point in booking me to speak at a science-fiction convention for some tawdry '60s TV show? "Beyond the Beyond.
This is not my audience.
My audience is at the International Symposium for Mythological Research in the Bahamas, which is where I should be.
All expenses paid! No! "You and a guest are invited to Moorwood Hall Hotel, "25 miles outside Bristol for" Yes! I absolutely, positively will not Miss it for the world.
Yes, he's thrilled.
Yes, he can't wait.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Beyond the Beyond! What are you talking about? Beyond the Beyond.
Come on, it's the single best television series ever made.
I've seen every episode about a hundred times.
Oh, I see you had a rich, rewarding childhood.
The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
We have to go.
We? You don't really think that Beyond the Beyond fans have an abiding passion for mythology, for exploring the factual basis of legends? Did you see the episode where Mr.
Snork gets his brain stolen by Aphrodite? I'm not going.
You can meet the stars! I want to meet illustrious scholars.
You could find a whole new audience of eager readers.
I want to gain the admiration of my peers.
You could have a free room, all you can eat, and a big honorarium.
I want to meet the stars.
To embrace a whole new audience of eager readers.
I'll go pack.
Don't worry, we're almost there.
That's what the Donner Party said, just before they asked, "Is anyone hungry?" Oh, come on.
(GRUNTING) Would you relax? What could possibly go wrong? You'll have a great time.
Promise? Yeah.
(PANTING) Look at this place.
IAN: Do you think we'll be able to find my car? (COUGHING) Well, if not now, definitely in the spring.
Glad to see you still have your sense of humor.
Welcome, earthlings.
Then again, your car wasn't buried in the snow, and you didn't have to trek carrying a 2-ton valise! I also didn't bring 50 copies of my book, instead of a change of clothes.
The bare minimum.
Besides, you don't need a change of clothes if you intend to spend all your time in the sauna sipping daiquiris.
IAN: We could be here for days, if this blizzard doesn't let up.
(LAUGHS) My only solace is the possibility there might actually be people here who appreciate the study of mythology and embrace my systematic deconstruction of the Mephisto fallacy.
Hey, weren't you the hideous space sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13? (TOY GUN ZAPPING) Randi.
(ZAPPING CONTINUES) Randi! SNORK: I believe I was wearing a red shirt when we landed on Altair 7.
PIERCE: No, no, no, no.
I was wearing the red shirt.
No, you weren't.
I always wear the red shirt.
No, you had the week off.
I had the red shirt.
Ah! Yes, of course.
He's quite right.
And what about when you landed on Baloff? Excellent question, but only one per customer, please.
Next? Yes, the young lady.
Why did the nymphs of Zontar have six breasts? Uh Because, um, because their young are very hungry.
Next? Ow! Who are these lunatics? Shh! You know, in " The Dauri Chase," the serial number of the starship Explorer had been changed.
It was NCE74A.
Shouldn't it have been NCE174F? That's Conrad Stipe, the creator of the show.
These are all the world-famous stars of Beyond the Beyond.
In the in the week between episodes, the ship was repainted by the Wollerts, repulsive creatures who are notoriously bad at spelling.
You mean the washed up has-beens.
Shh.
How can you say that? These people are the guests of honor at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of their show.
Exactly.
What? We're leaving as soon as the roads are passable.
But we just got here.
And I already fear for our sanity.
This is a convention for the mentally ill.
(SIGHS) You're being too hard on these people.
Think of it as cultural appreciation.
Or a celebration of art, hmm? WINTHROP: For a limited time, a genuine replica of Captain Pierce's Conglomeration belt buckle, for only L20.
And the light works! Wow! Oh, be serious, Randi, it's just a piece of plastic junk.
Wait your turn, young man.
I was here first.
I have absolutely no interest in buying one of those.
Aunt Elsa? Lan? Randi? What are you doing here? How much did you say this was? L20.
L20? Yes.
ELSA: What are you doing here? I'm being held against my will by the ravages of nature and the ignorance of my publishers.
What's your excuse? Where else can you get a Captain Pierce belt buckle? Weren't you the hideous space sloth from Umgluck in Episode 13? No, I was not, you awful Awfully beautiful young woman.
No, you weren't.
Lan Matheson, professor of mythology.
Nicole Huston.
If you want it autographed, it's L5.
Weren't you reduced to a cube and crushed? No wonder.
(ZAPPING) (LAUGHING) (IMITATING LASER FIRING) (LAUGHS) Don't worry, it's not loaded! It's not real, it's just an incredibly detailed replica of startling accuracy.
Of a Martian sprinkler? No, silly, it's the laser cannon, the Muck-Gerbils of Pinchuk used to defend their Cloud City.
Ah.
Of course, I should have recognized it immediately.
I'm Jim Minkler, Grand High Sorcerer of the Beyond the Beyond Appreciation Society.
Here, aren't you Professor lan Matheson, author of The Face of Fear? Why, yes! You know my work? I know your face, from your book cover.
You know you look just like the guy who played the hideous space sloth of Umgluck.
(LAUGHING) For you.
Is this the laser cannon the Muck-Gerbils of Pinchuk used to defend Cloud City? Yeah! Wow! That's great! Good, isn't it? Yeah.
(WIND BLOWING) I insist you charter a helicopter and get me out of here.
(ZAPPING) It's not my problem if it costs more than my book will ever make.
This is your fault.
(ZAPPING) Hello? Hello? The coward's hung up on me.
What am I going to do now? RANDl: Well, I think you better start working on that speech.
What do I possibly have to say to these people? Wait.
How about, " It's only a TV show, get a life"? Or, " There's no shame in seeing a psychiatrist"? (TOY GUNS ZAPPING) Oh, don't worry.
I know what we can say.
I know.
I know.
Just tell them that you are the space sloth of Umgluck from Episode 12.
Episode 13.
Number 12 is where the crew met God.
Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHING) Why did they invite me here in the first place? (SIGHS) Because, lan, like it or not, these people are, well, they're kindred spirits.
Whew! One moment I thought you were going to say my relatives.
(SNORTING) Good God, they are.
They're just like you.
They're fascinated by the occult, the bizarre, the unexplained.
It's just, they express it differently.
Come on.
All the myths and legends that you embrace actually form the foundations of Beyond the Beyond.
Show me where in modern mythology a chap with an elephant's nose meets God.
Lan, don't be so stuffy.
(TUNE PLAYING) Yeah, that's a smashing idea.
You know, I don't think you realize how popular you could be.
You think so? I'm certain.
Hey! This has fascinated scholars for years.
So we must ask ourselves, are the interstitial matrices of the enthobiocentric underpinnings real or simply contrived? (SNORING) Yes, it's an amusing little conundrum.
(SNORING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) I see! (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (CHEERING) When I created this show I thought it'd last 13 weeks and then disappear before I ever got a residual check.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The network had no idea what they had on their hands.
The first thing they said to me was, "Lose big-nose, get us a guy with pointy-ears.
" (LAUGHING) (CHEERING) (WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE) And yet, despite low ratings and network incompetence, we made it through 67 episodes! (CHEERING) And now thanks to you, the show is a bigger hit in reruns than it ever was.
(CHEERING) Hey, you done already? A man can only take so many standing ovations.
Good.
And now, finally, we can show our appreciation to you, our loyal, devoted fans.
Wow! (APPLAUSE) The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
ALL: One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
(CHEERING) I'm proud to announce Beyond the Beyond, the motion picture.
An all-new adventure with an all-new cast! (APPLAUSE) (LASER FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Is he (SIGHS) He's dead, Jim.
(CROWD MURMURING) I don't understand it.
I made it myself.
It's just a hollow replica.
How did that get there? Guess it was more authentic than you thought, hmm? Storm is raging, the telephone lines are down, the roads closed, and a murderer's afoot.
A traitor to the Conglomeration! We're on our own, Watson.
Where's lan? He said something about checking out and ran off.
What? (GASPS) Be prosperous and multiply.
Oh, no.
IAN: Instead, I find it's a snake pit! No, I was not! Lan, calm down.
Calm down? We are surrounded by maniacs and at least one of them is homicidal.
How long is this going to take? Think.
Randi, I don't want to think.
All I want to do is check out and get away from this madhouse.
And I don't expect to be charged for the two hours in my room.
But But case closed.
I shall be studying my next few credit card bills very carefully, so don't try anything funny.
Coming, Randi? Where? Where do you think? The planet Zontar? Well, we might as well be, because all the roads are closed, and all the phone lines are dead.
And you just checked us out of our room.
Our free room.
Oh, I see.
Sorry.
Perhaps I was a little hasty before.
I've decided to give this excellent establishment another try.
Did I mention I was the hideous space sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13? (GROANS) (SIGHS) Professor Matheson.
Have we met? Your reputation as a scholar and writer precedes you.
You are the author of Satan's Sex Slaves, and the script adaptation as well? You mean lan Stryker - Professor of Danger, for Monumental Pictures.
A profound, stirring adventure that leaps off the page, grabs you by the throat and shakes the tar out of you.
That's the one.
How would you like to write the cinematic event of the century? I should have listened to him.
But you did.
We all did.
No, before that.
He was helping me arrange the convention.
It was then that he told me he was receiving death threats.
What kind of death threats? "Make the movie and you'll be chopped up into bits and fed to ravenous dogs.
" "The movie opens, your casket closes.
" "Eat hot death, you maggot.
" Those kind of death threats.
He was very concerned.
He wanted to call the convention off, but I convinced him his fans loved him.
They would never dream of hurting him.
Now, all we have is his boots.
But who would want to kill Conrad Stipe? All he wanted to do was make a movie.
With an all-new cast.
But I don't know anything about the series.
But you know more authentic monster stuff than anyone can ever make up.
I knew my doctorate would be worth something.
Besides, once news of Conrad's unfortunate demise gets out, the publicity will steamroll this picture right back into production, no matter how bad the script is.
I want to leave here on Monday with a script to capitalize on the momentum.
Aren't you jumping the gun just a bit? This is a matter for the heirs to decide.
No, thank you.
You're looking at him.
He willed the rights to you? The series was a bomb.
Ten years after it was cancelled, I met Conrad, a drunk, a loser.
I gave him a few bucks, he gave me 50% of the show.
You ripped him off.
I pulled him out of the gutter.
I controlled merchandizing, he controlled the creative end, which was worthless.
Or it was.
Thanks to my creative merchandising savvy, people started to look at the reruns again.
Pretty soon, it was a phenomenon.
Anyway, in the event of death, all the rights go back to the survivor.
C'est moi.
No, thank you.
(PANTING) The answer is no.
I'm a distinguished scholar, not a hack writer.
I have a reputation to consider, the highest professional standards to uphold.
You're homeless.
You're facing a long, cold night in the boiler room, and the worst weekend of your life.
On the other hand, I happen to have $30,000, an extra suite, a full wet bar, and sauna privileges waiting for the right man.
(CLATTERING) (OLD MAN GROANING) Suddenly, I feel inspired.
Every single episode of the damn series.
Feel free to steal liberally.
Smashing.
Now, you don't happen to know the room service number offhand, do you? I slipped one in the VCR for you.
You're a writing machine, slugger.
PIERCE ON TV: You can kill me, but humanity will prevail.
Because we have one thing your race never discovered.
Love.
Unbelievable.
No, Skip, no.
I've had my voice dubbed so many times, people are beginning to believe that I am an Italian.
We know that one of these people is the murderer.
Yes.
But what tell-tale clues separate a murderer and a normal person? If we knew that, we'd have the killer.
Precisely.
You've got to get me a part in an American movie! I don't care what that has-been Stipe said.
He's dead.
And I'm glad.
We must study each one as if we're peering through a microscope.
RANDl: Yes.
ELSA: They all look perfectly normal, but one of these kind faces has got a violent soul.
Yes.
If you do this to me, Skip, I'll kill you.
I swear it, I'll kill you! Eventually, the violent soul will show itself.
It may only be for a moment, but show itself, it will.
We must be vigilant, so when it happens, we will recognize it.
Look at Guy Goddard.
If you send me one more Italian script about a maniac with a meat-axe, I'm gonna use a meat-axe on you.
Well? What do you think? Well, I think that we can get Captain Pierce's autograph much later.
We've got a murder to solve.
Hello there, little lady.
Mr.
Snork.
A pretty girl like you can call me Snorkel.
Wow! Pleased to meet you.
I've seen the Crab Nebula from close-to and the Milky Way from a million miles, but I've never seen anything as beautiful as your eyes.
That's from the episode where you get emotions, and then you discover that they're fatal to Snorkies, right? To Snorkies and sometimes to mortal men.
Would you allow me the honor of letting me buy you a drink? All right.
Just as long as it's not Croutonian brandy.
I know what that does to your kind.
You have nothing to fear from me.
IAN: Space date 2312.
The starship Explorer has encountered a massive space brain that eats planets.
(GRUNTING) Don't touch me.
I like you.
Not because you were in Beyond the Beyond.
In fact, when you offered me this drink, I didn't even recognize you.
Listen, really, I'd still like you even without the nose.
Yes, of course you do.
That's what they all say.
I know women.
All they care about is the fact I've got a big trunk.
Sometimes I wish I had never put on this nose.
Then why don't you just take it off? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yes.
To tell you the truth, I would.
'Cause usually when I have a drink with a guy, he looks like a human being.
You're with him.
Don't deny it.
I know.
With who? With that nose-stealing viper, Stipe.
(SNORTS) He wanted to take my nose away.
They all did.
He even got a court order to stop me making public appearances as Mr.
Snork.
I lived on those shopping mall openings, sci-fi conventions and nasal spray endorsements.
Now what have I got? (SNORTING) Hmm? But you know all about that, don't you? (SNORK SNORTING) Excuse me, I have to be getting back to planet Earth now.
Now, you tell your bosses that there's only one Mr.
Snork.
And if they mess with my nose, they're gonna envy Stipe.
(SNORTING) Got it, girlie? Did you hear that nutcase? I heard it all.
And? Well, if you want a man to respect you, you shouldn't fawn on him like that.
Now, if you've finished flirting with the alien, we have a murderer to catch.
(GROANS) Randi! Randi! Randi! IAN: Space date 2312.
Space date 2312.
Two crew members are dead.
The ship is in peril, and the cosmos are at the mercy of a strange Space date 2312.
The starship Explorer has encountered a massive space brain that eats planets.
We're attempting to craft a powerful aspirin being to (SIGHS) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Hi.
Hi.
Hmm.
Written my part yet? Uh, no.
In fact, I haven't written anything yet.
Ooh, then I got here just in time.
In time for what? Mmm.
To impress upon you the importance of my character in the movie.
But you were reduced to a cube and crushed.
No, no, no.
No, I've been restored.
I'm more of a woman now than I ever was before.
Ah.
Hmm.
That explains why your uniform is so form-fitting.
(CHUCKLES) Let me inspire you with an audition, hmm? Well, I suppose a little inspiration couldn't hurt.
It could revive my career.
Sorry, Kent, you just aren't bankable.
I am Snork.
You are a guy with a rubber nose.
Come to think of it, our nose.
(SCREAMING) WINTHROP: Court order, you know.
(GASPING) You've got to have Matheson put me in the script.
Oh, Mr.
Snork is in the script.
It's just that you aren't.
You've got to convince the studio that I am the only one for the part.
You can't disappoint the fans.
It's just not in the budget.
On the other hand (TOY GUN ZAPPING) There might be a way.
If you could kick back some of your studio salary my way, I could reinvest it in the production and alleviate some of the deficit.
How much? Oh, I don't know.
Fine.
See you on the big screen.
(SIGHS) The plot thickens.
Or sickens.
Come on.
(GRUNTING) See you later, Elsa, okay? (SCREAMS) (ZAPPING) Excuse me.
(GASPS) RANDl: What are you doing? Writing? You call this writing? I'd like to.
In case you hadn't noticed, there has been a murder.
And I am grieving, deeply.
No, you're not! You're writing the screenplay for a prime suspect, while romancing some has-been actress! I am not.
Lan is putting me in the movie.
(CHUCKLES) Actually, I don't think so.
It would stretch credibility.
You know, like the way your butt stretches your little space pants? Put me in a different part.
Sorry.
No parts for intergalactic space sluts.
You wouldn't? Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Hmm.
(SCREAMING) Lan? Don't forget to wash behind your ears.
Oh! (CHUCKLING) Imagine, her.
Her! Thinking that she can sleep her way Oh, God! Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan? Look at you! You're lounging here, drinking champagne, and there is a murderer out there.
Marvelous, isn't it? Vintage champagne.
You know, I thought this weekend was gonna be a complete wash-out.
Look how it's turned around.
This is good.
Mmm.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
A man is dead.
I know.
And the convention is over.
The police can handle the murder, while I wrestle with the room service menu.
How can you, in good conscience, write the screenplay? I can't write it at all.
It's garbage.
But that doesn't mean I can't soak old Winthrop for a few days, until the greedy twit realizes.
The man is a murderer.
He killed Stipe so that he could get his share of the Beyond the Beyond rights.
Now he's gonna soak this project for every last buck.
Uh-uh.
A snake he is.
A killer he isn't.
(STEAM HISSING) Oh, God! (INAUDIBLE) We're locked in.
Then again, I may have misjudged him.
Oh, my God.
Is it my imagination, or is it getting hotter? (MUTTERING) This is why I never order lobster.
(SIGHS) Because you might get locked in a sauna? (CHUCKLING) No.
Mmm-mmm.
Because I can't help wondering what it would feel like to be cooked alive.
(BOTH LAUGHING) And now I know.
Mmm.
Look at the bright side.
What bright side? Hmm.
It's just you and me.
(CHUCKLES) Alone.
Scantily clad.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Sharing a glass of champagne.
(EXHALING) Steam rising from our flesh.
You mean, searing our flesh.
Small detail.
Cause of death.
(LAUGHING) Spoilsport.
Oh, there you are! What do you two think you're playing at? There's been a murder.
We know.
Another murder.
JIM: What an incredible loss to fandom.
What an incredible loss to my wallet.
Fandom? The whole community of devoted Beyond the Beyond fans, who have lost another guiding light.
A blinking light.
Oh, it's a tragedy.
An unbelievable horror.
Uh, wither Beyond the Beyond? Whatever are you talking about? Who has the rights to the series, now? Lan.
It's a valid question.
You do.
Me? You? Yes.
I think you owe the fans an honest answer.
You see, in lieu of cash, as part of lan's screenwriting deal with Winthrop, he has been given Stipe's interest in the series.
I am a very good agent.
This is a nightmare.
You're telling me! And now that Winthrop is, well, dead, all the rights revert to lan.
Now, hold everything! Yes, yes, please, everybody, give Professor Matheson complete solitude as he has a screenplay to write and a merchandising empire to manage.
IAN: What are you doing? Just pushing things along.
Pushing me into a grave.
If the killer finds out I have all the rights, I'll be the next victim.
Exactly.
What jolly fun! (BOTH SCREAMING) RANDl: A-ha! (NICOLE SCREAMS) I knew it was you.
Who else could it be? You came here to kill him.
I came here to seduce him.
Again? Why do you want to seduce him? Thanks.
For a part, of course.
Ah, now that he has complete control over Beyond the Beyond, he can cast whoever he wants.
You want to cast her? Oh, that's an idea.
Shh! Someone's coming.
Wait! I think I should search her first.
Shh, quickly.
(GRUNTING) (GASPS) Mr.
Snork! How dare you? You don't treat an international celebrity like a common intruder.
But you are a common intruder.
I merely came for a word with Professor Matheson.
A last word? You didn't knock.
(SNORTING) Hmm? Writers startle easily.
You thought he was writing in the dark? Definitely.
He had to be to even consider cutting me from the picture.
So, you came to kill me? No, I merely came to peek at the script.
I had to know if you were still in a right mind.
And if I wasn't? Well, then I would of I would have spoken to you man to man.
Dumbo.
Bit player! Has-been! Shh! I can hear somebody coming! (SNORTS) (SHUSHING) IAN: Randi, light! RANDl: Quiet, everybody! (SNORTS) (ALL SHOUTING) Get him! (IAN EXCLAIMING) (SNORTING) RANDl: Get him! Get him, Aunt Elsa! Gotcha! (GRUNTING) Who is it? Who is it? Elementary, Mr.
Snork.
This is the intrepid Captain Pierce, AKA Guy Goddard.
How do you know? There's no one else left.
(ALL GASPING) Good God! Surprise! You're supposed to be dead? I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Me? Disappointed? Well, I'm thrilled.
Shooting the movie would be so joyless without you.
(CHUCKLING) The laser, the explosion, the smoking boots, it was all an elaborate trick.
(CHUCKLING) Yes, and free, too.
The effects guys on the movie did it as an audition.
Incredible.
He's even cheap about his own murder.
Could you just please give me an explanation? Simple, really.
Somebody wanted to kill me.
Can't imagine why.
I wanted to smoke the bugger out before he succeeded.
Of course, I was convinced it was Winthrop.
Everything he did after my tragic death only served to bolster that.
So that's why you killed him? And came to off lan.
Off lan? Get with it.
No, no.
You've got it all wrong.
I came here for your help.
Wait.
You don't expect us to believe this story, do you? Believe it, bimbo! (STIPE EXCLAIMS) Where'd you get that? Cleavage has its advantages, but then you wouldn't know about that.
I told you I should have searched her first.
So it was you who was trying to kill me.
Imagine my joy, when someone beat me to it.
But why? I was always so kind to you.
I slept with you.
You promised me a role in the series! And I gave you one.
You reduced me to a cube! No, technically, a dodecahedron.
(EXCLAIMS) Mr.
Snork! ELSA: Mr.
Snork! You crushed me, and my career.
You wouldn't even put me in the movie.
And neither would Winthrop.
Buona sera, boys and girls (GUN FIRES) (NICOLE SCREAMS) Cowards! Go ahead, hide.
I've got all night.
And I've got enough bullets for all of you! Hide! If I find one, I will kill with my bare hands.
RECORDED VOICE: Go no further, earthling! You have been warned.
Show yourself! You have entered the nebula of no return.
Prepare to fire on alien life form.
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God.
Nice shot! How tragic.
How horrifying.
How fitting.
What do we do now? I'm going to the typewriter.
I think I'm finally getting the hang of this stuff.
What? (PEOPLE CHATTERING) You, Mr.
Snork, Captain Pierce and the convention seem to have survived rather nicely.
Well, when you've traveled together to the furthest boundaries of space and encountered the strangest creatures in the cosmos, one deranged killer doesn't faze you.
(LAUGHS) What about the movie? A firm go.
With the original cast.
Hmm.
Watching your back? No, watching the account ledgers.
With all the publicity that this little escapade has brought us, we don't need big-name actors, after all.
Which brings us to the screenplay.
(ELSA CLEARS THROAT) Ah, yes.
I've worked out a few things and contractual points for lan's contract All done! I call it The Amoeba Molemen of Leah Nebula 9.
I've been writing it all night.
I'm really grateful for everything you've done, including the screenplay, but I've already hired a screenwriter.
I call it The Return of the Muck-Gerbils.
Gripping, I'm sure.
After all, no one knows more about the show than Jim does, except me, of course.
But we don't want you to go away empty-handed.
First.
You are now Commodores of the Galactic Conglomeration.
Wow! Now aren't you glad you came? The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
ALL: One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
(CHEERING) I should like to come back here in a few light years and see how everything turned out.
Imagine, an entire planet, modeling its society on an ancient Playboy magazine.
Fascinating, indeed.
The females would evolve with staples across their waists.
(CHUCKLES) But think what would have happened if the merchant ship had crash-landed with a cargo of those ancient slasher movies, instead.
One discarded artifact can reshape a species, a planet, an entire universe.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! What is it, Captain? I left a pair of my trousers in the Queen's boudoir.
Your Herculite trousers? Yes! Herculite is the basic material from which Argulon is formulated.
And Argulon is the basic component of our Totonian warp drive.
Are you saying that because I left a pair of my trousers on that planet, the aliens could develop warp drive and colonize the cosmos? I'm saying, Captain, that in a hundred light years, they may be wearing the pants on this universe.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Great! Wasn't that great, lan? Lan.
(SNORING) (SIGHS) Be prosperous and multiply.
No, Captain, thank you.
We've seen a lot of God's miracles on our voyages through space together, Mr.
Snork.
But I think she tops the list.
Scientifically speaking, Captain, there is nothing miraculous about the yeoman.
Her chemical composition is actually 94% water, 2% carbon Mr.
Snork, there are some things science simply cannot explain.
ALIEN: Go no further.
You have been warned.
And this could just be one of them now.
Gentlemen.
Battle stations! (ALL EXCLAIMING) Mr.
Snork, what is that? Fascinating.
Scientifically, this is not possible.
Die, earthling! Yeoman McNally! My God! She's turned into a cube! Technically, she's a dodecahedron.
(ALIEN GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) No! Captain.
Now she is dust, as you all soon shall be! What a load of old rubbish! IAN: You may be an experienced publisher, but your publicists don't have a firm grasp on my book.
Nice paper.
IAN: I should be interviewed by Time, Newsweek, The Economist, not cheap periodicals that celebrate gore.
I am deconstructing the foundations of modern mythology! I know my book was called Satan's Sex Slaves, but that's not the point.
Would you plaster Irving Stone across Big Hooters Monthly because his book was called The Agony and The Ecstasy? You would? (SIGHING) All right, what is the point in booking me to speak at a science-fiction convention for some tawdry '60s TV show? "Beyond the Beyond.
This is not my audience.
My audience is at the International Symposium for Mythological Research in the Bahamas, which is where I should be.
All expenses paid! No! "You and a guest are invited to Moorwood Hall Hotel, "25 miles outside Bristol for" Yes! I absolutely, positively will not Miss it for the world.
Yes, he's thrilled.
Yes, he can't wait.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Beyond the Beyond! What are you talking about? Beyond the Beyond.
Come on, it's the single best television series ever made.
I've seen every episode about a hundred times.
Oh, I see you had a rich, rewarding childhood.
The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
We have to go.
We? You don't really think that Beyond the Beyond fans have an abiding passion for mythology, for exploring the factual basis of legends? Did you see the episode where Mr.
Snork gets his brain stolen by Aphrodite? I'm not going.
You can meet the stars! I want to meet illustrious scholars.
You could find a whole new audience of eager readers.
I want to gain the admiration of my peers.
You could have a free room, all you can eat, and a big honorarium.
I want to meet the stars.
To embrace a whole new audience of eager readers.
I'll go pack.
Don't worry, we're almost there.
That's what the Donner Party said, just before they asked, "Is anyone hungry?" Oh, come on.
(GRUNTING) Would you relax? What could possibly go wrong? You'll have a great time.
Promise? Yeah.
(PANTING) Look at this place.
IAN: Do you think we'll be able to find my car? (COUGHING) Well, if not now, definitely in the spring.
Glad to see you still have your sense of humor.
Welcome, earthlings.
Then again, your car wasn't buried in the snow, and you didn't have to trek carrying a 2-ton valise! I also didn't bring 50 copies of my book, instead of a change of clothes.
The bare minimum.
Besides, you don't need a change of clothes if you intend to spend all your time in the sauna sipping daiquiris.
IAN: We could be here for days, if this blizzard doesn't let up.
(LAUGHS) My only solace is the possibility there might actually be people here who appreciate the study of mythology and embrace my systematic deconstruction of the Mephisto fallacy.
Hey, weren't you the hideous space sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13? (TOY GUN ZAPPING) Randi.
(ZAPPING CONTINUES) Randi! SNORK: I believe I was wearing a red shirt when we landed on Altair 7.
PIERCE: No, no, no, no.
I was wearing the red shirt.
No, you weren't.
I always wear the red shirt.
No, you had the week off.
I had the red shirt.
Ah! Yes, of course.
He's quite right.
And what about when you landed on Baloff? Excellent question, but only one per customer, please.
Next? Yes, the young lady.
Why did the nymphs of Zontar have six breasts? Uh Because, um, because their young are very hungry.
Next? Ow! Who are these lunatics? Shh! You know, in " The Dauri Chase," the serial number of the starship Explorer had been changed.
It was NCE74A.
Shouldn't it have been NCE174F? That's Conrad Stipe, the creator of the show.
These are all the world-famous stars of Beyond the Beyond.
In the in the week between episodes, the ship was repainted by the Wollerts, repulsive creatures who are notoriously bad at spelling.
You mean the washed up has-beens.
Shh.
How can you say that? These people are the guests of honor at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of their show.
Exactly.
What? We're leaving as soon as the roads are passable.
But we just got here.
And I already fear for our sanity.
This is a convention for the mentally ill.
(SIGHS) You're being too hard on these people.
Think of it as cultural appreciation.
Or a celebration of art, hmm? WINTHROP: For a limited time, a genuine replica of Captain Pierce's Conglomeration belt buckle, for only L20.
And the light works! Wow! Oh, be serious, Randi, it's just a piece of plastic junk.
Wait your turn, young man.
I was here first.
I have absolutely no interest in buying one of those.
Aunt Elsa? Lan? Randi? What are you doing here? How much did you say this was? L20.
L20? Yes.
ELSA: What are you doing here? I'm being held against my will by the ravages of nature and the ignorance of my publishers.
What's your excuse? Where else can you get a Captain Pierce belt buckle? Weren't you the hideous space sloth from Umgluck in Episode 13? No, I was not, you awful Awfully beautiful young woman.
No, you weren't.
Lan Matheson, professor of mythology.
Nicole Huston.
If you want it autographed, it's L5.
Weren't you reduced to a cube and crushed? No wonder.
(ZAPPING) (LAUGHING) (IMITATING LASER FIRING) (LAUGHS) Don't worry, it's not loaded! It's not real, it's just an incredibly detailed replica of startling accuracy.
Of a Martian sprinkler? No, silly, it's the laser cannon, the Muck-Gerbils of Pinchuk used to defend their Cloud City.
Ah.
Of course, I should have recognized it immediately.
I'm Jim Minkler, Grand High Sorcerer of the Beyond the Beyond Appreciation Society.
Here, aren't you Professor lan Matheson, author of The Face of Fear? Why, yes! You know my work? I know your face, from your book cover.
You know you look just like the guy who played the hideous space sloth of Umgluck.
(LAUGHING) For you.
Is this the laser cannon the Muck-Gerbils of Pinchuk used to defend Cloud City? Yeah! Wow! That's great! Good, isn't it? Yeah.
(WIND BLOWING) I insist you charter a helicopter and get me out of here.
(ZAPPING) It's not my problem if it costs more than my book will ever make.
This is your fault.
(ZAPPING) Hello? Hello? The coward's hung up on me.
What am I going to do now? RANDl: Well, I think you better start working on that speech.
What do I possibly have to say to these people? Wait.
How about, " It's only a TV show, get a life"? Or, " There's no shame in seeing a psychiatrist"? (TOY GUNS ZAPPING) Oh, don't worry.
I know what we can say.
I know.
I know.
Just tell them that you are the space sloth of Umgluck from Episode 12.
Episode 13.
Number 12 is where the crew met God.
Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHING) Why did they invite me here in the first place? (SIGHS) Because, lan, like it or not, these people are, well, they're kindred spirits.
Whew! One moment I thought you were going to say my relatives.
(SNORTING) Good God, they are.
They're just like you.
They're fascinated by the occult, the bizarre, the unexplained.
It's just, they express it differently.
Come on.
All the myths and legends that you embrace actually form the foundations of Beyond the Beyond.
Show me where in modern mythology a chap with an elephant's nose meets God.
Lan, don't be so stuffy.
(TUNE PLAYING) Yeah, that's a smashing idea.
You know, I don't think you realize how popular you could be.
You think so? I'm certain.
Hey! This has fascinated scholars for years.
So we must ask ourselves, are the interstitial matrices of the enthobiocentric underpinnings real or simply contrived? (SNORING) Yes, it's an amusing little conundrum.
(SNORING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) I see! (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (CHEERING) When I created this show I thought it'd last 13 weeks and then disappear before I ever got a residual check.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The network had no idea what they had on their hands.
The first thing they said to me was, "Lose big-nose, get us a guy with pointy-ears.
" (LAUGHING) (CHEERING) (WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE) And yet, despite low ratings and network incompetence, we made it through 67 episodes! (CHEERING) And now thanks to you, the show is a bigger hit in reruns than it ever was.
(CHEERING) Hey, you done already? A man can only take so many standing ovations.
Good.
And now, finally, we can show our appreciation to you, our loyal, devoted fans.
Wow! (APPLAUSE) The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
ALL: One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
(CHEERING) I'm proud to announce Beyond the Beyond, the motion picture.
An all-new adventure with an all-new cast! (APPLAUSE) (LASER FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Is he (SIGHS) He's dead, Jim.
(CROWD MURMURING) I don't understand it.
I made it myself.
It's just a hollow replica.
How did that get there? Guess it was more authentic than you thought, hmm? Storm is raging, the telephone lines are down, the roads closed, and a murderer's afoot.
A traitor to the Conglomeration! We're on our own, Watson.
Where's lan? He said something about checking out and ran off.
What? (GASPS) Be prosperous and multiply.
Oh, no.
IAN: Instead, I find it's a snake pit! No, I was not! Lan, calm down.
Calm down? We are surrounded by maniacs and at least one of them is homicidal.
How long is this going to take? Think.
Randi, I don't want to think.
All I want to do is check out and get away from this madhouse.
And I don't expect to be charged for the two hours in my room.
But But case closed.
I shall be studying my next few credit card bills very carefully, so don't try anything funny.
Coming, Randi? Where? Where do you think? The planet Zontar? Well, we might as well be, because all the roads are closed, and all the phone lines are dead.
And you just checked us out of our room.
Our free room.
Oh, I see.
Sorry.
Perhaps I was a little hasty before.
I've decided to give this excellent establishment another try.
Did I mention I was the hideous space sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13? (GROANS) (SIGHS) Professor Matheson.
Have we met? Your reputation as a scholar and writer precedes you.
You are the author of Satan's Sex Slaves, and the script adaptation as well? You mean lan Stryker - Professor of Danger, for Monumental Pictures.
A profound, stirring adventure that leaps off the page, grabs you by the throat and shakes the tar out of you.
That's the one.
How would you like to write the cinematic event of the century? I should have listened to him.
But you did.
We all did.
No, before that.
He was helping me arrange the convention.
It was then that he told me he was receiving death threats.
What kind of death threats? "Make the movie and you'll be chopped up into bits and fed to ravenous dogs.
" "The movie opens, your casket closes.
" "Eat hot death, you maggot.
" Those kind of death threats.
He was very concerned.
He wanted to call the convention off, but I convinced him his fans loved him.
They would never dream of hurting him.
Now, all we have is his boots.
But who would want to kill Conrad Stipe? All he wanted to do was make a movie.
With an all-new cast.
But I don't know anything about the series.
But you know more authentic monster stuff than anyone can ever make up.
I knew my doctorate would be worth something.
Besides, once news of Conrad's unfortunate demise gets out, the publicity will steamroll this picture right back into production, no matter how bad the script is.
I want to leave here on Monday with a script to capitalize on the momentum.
Aren't you jumping the gun just a bit? This is a matter for the heirs to decide.
No, thank you.
You're looking at him.
He willed the rights to you? The series was a bomb.
Ten years after it was cancelled, I met Conrad, a drunk, a loser.
I gave him a few bucks, he gave me 50% of the show.
You ripped him off.
I pulled him out of the gutter.
I controlled merchandizing, he controlled the creative end, which was worthless.
Or it was.
Thanks to my creative merchandising savvy, people started to look at the reruns again.
Pretty soon, it was a phenomenon.
Anyway, in the event of death, all the rights go back to the survivor.
C'est moi.
No, thank you.
(PANTING) The answer is no.
I'm a distinguished scholar, not a hack writer.
I have a reputation to consider, the highest professional standards to uphold.
You're homeless.
You're facing a long, cold night in the boiler room, and the worst weekend of your life.
On the other hand, I happen to have $30,000, an extra suite, a full wet bar, and sauna privileges waiting for the right man.
(CLATTERING) (OLD MAN GROANING) Suddenly, I feel inspired.
Every single episode of the damn series.
Feel free to steal liberally.
Smashing.
Now, you don't happen to know the room service number offhand, do you? I slipped one in the VCR for you.
You're a writing machine, slugger.
PIERCE ON TV: You can kill me, but humanity will prevail.
Because we have one thing your race never discovered.
Love.
Unbelievable.
No, Skip, no.
I've had my voice dubbed so many times, people are beginning to believe that I am an Italian.
We know that one of these people is the murderer.
Yes.
But what tell-tale clues separate a murderer and a normal person? If we knew that, we'd have the killer.
Precisely.
You've got to get me a part in an American movie! I don't care what that has-been Stipe said.
He's dead.
And I'm glad.
We must study each one as if we're peering through a microscope.
RANDl: Yes.
ELSA: They all look perfectly normal, but one of these kind faces has got a violent soul.
Yes.
If you do this to me, Skip, I'll kill you.
I swear it, I'll kill you! Eventually, the violent soul will show itself.
It may only be for a moment, but show itself, it will.
We must be vigilant, so when it happens, we will recognize it.
Look at Guy Goddard.
If you send me one more Italian script about a maniac with a meat-axe, I'm gonna use a meat-axe on you.
Well? What do you think? Well, I think that we can get Captain Pierce's autograph much later.
We've got a murder to solve.
Hello there, little lady.
Mr.
Snork.
A pretty girl like you can call me Snorkel.
Wow! Pleased to meet you.
I've seen the Crab Nebula from close-to and the Milky Way from a million miles, but I've never seen anything as beautiful as your eyes.
That's from the episode where you get emotions, and then you discover that they're fatal to Snorkies, right? To Snorkies and sometimes to mortal men.
Would you allow me the honor of letting me buy you a drink? All right.
Just as long as it's not Croutonian brandy.
I know what that does to your kind.
You have nothing to fear from me.
IAN: Space date 2312.
The starship Explorer has encountered a massive space brain that eats planets.
(GRUNTING) Don't touch me.
I like you.
Not because you were in Beyond the Beyond.
In fact, when you offered me this drink, I didn't even recognize you.
Listen, really, I'd still like you even without the nose.
Yes, of course you do.
That's what they all say.
I know women.
All they care about is the fact I've got a big trunk.
Sometimes I wish I had never put on this nose.
Then why don't you just take it off? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yes.
To tell you the truth, I would.
'Cause usually when I have a drink with a guy, he looks like a human being.
You're with him.
Don't deny it.
I know.
With who? With that nose-stealing viper, Stipe.
(SNORTS) He wanted to take my nose away.
They all did.
He even got a court order to stop me making public appearances as Mr.
Snork.
I lived on those shopping mall openings, sci-fi conventions and nasal spray endorsements.
Now what have I got? (SNORTING) Hmm? But you know all about that, don't you? (SNORK SNORTING) Excuse me, I have to be getting back to planet Earth now.
Now, you tell your bosses that there's only one Mr.
Snork.
And if they mess with my nose, they're gonna envy Stipe.
(SNORTING) Got it, girlie? Did you hear that nutcase? I heard it all.
And? Well, if you want a man to respect you, you shouldn't fawn on him like that.
Now, if you've finished flirting with the alien, we have a murderer to catch.
(GROANS) Randi! Randi! Randi! IAN: Space date 2312.
Space date 2312.
Two crew members are dead.
The ship is in peril, and the cosmos are at the mercy of a strange Space date 2312.
The starship Explorer has encountered a massive space brain that eats planets.
We're attempting to craft a powerful aspirin being to (SIGHS) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Hi.
Hi.
Hmm.
Written my part yet? Uh, no.
In fact, I haven't written anything yet.
Ooh, then I got here just in time.
In time for what? Mmm.
To impress upon you the importance of my character in the movie.
But you were reduced to a cube and crushed.
No, no, no.
No, I've been restored.
I'm more of a woman now than I ever was before.
Ah.
Hmm.
That explains why your uniform is so form-fitting.
(CHUCKLES) Let me inspire you with an audition, hmm? Well, I suppose a little inspiration couldn't hurt.
It could revive my career.
Sorry, Kent, you just aren't bankable.
I am Snork.
You are a guy with a rubber nose.
Come to think of it, our nose.
(SCREAMING) WINTHROP: Court order, you know.
(GASPING) You've got to have Matheson put me in the script.
Oh, Mr.
Snork is in the script.
It's just that you aren't.
You've got to convince the studio that I am the only one for the part.
You can't disappoint the fans.
It's just not in the budget.
On the other hand (TOY GUN ZAPPING) There might be a way.
If you could kick back some of your studio salary my way, I could reinvest it in the production and alleviate some of the deficit.
How much? Oh, I don't know.
Fine.
See you on the big screen.
(SIGHS) The plot thickens.
Or sickens.
Come on.
(GRUNTING) See you later, Elsa, okay? (SCREAMS) (ZAPPING) Excuse me.
(GASPS) RANDl: What are you doing? Writing? You call this writing? I'd like to.
In case you hadn't noticed, there has been a murder.
And I am grieving, deeply.
No, you're not! You're writing the screenplay for a prime suspect, while romancing some has-been actress! I am not.
Lan is putting me in the movie.
(CHUCKLES) Actually, I don't think so.
It would stretch credibility.
You know, like the way your butt stretches your little space pants? Put me in a different part.
Sorry.
No parts for intergalactic space sluts.
You wouldn't? Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Hmm.
(SCREAMING) Lan? Don't forget to wash behind your ears.
Oh! (CHUCKLING) Imagine, her.
Her! Thinking that she can sleep her way Oh, God! Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan? Look at you! You're lounging here, drinking champagne, and there is a murderer out there.
Marvelous, isn't it? Vintage champagne.
You know, I thought this weekend was gonna be a complete wash-out.
Look how it's turned around.
This is good.
Mmm.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
A man is dead.
I know.
And the convention is over.
The police can handle the murder, while I wrestle with the room service menu.
How can you, in good conscience, write the screenplay? I can't write it at all.
It's garbage.
But that doesn't mean I can't soak old Winthrop for a few days, until the greedy twit realizes.
The man is a murderer.
He killed Stipe so that he could get his share of the Beyond the Beyond rights.
Now he's gonna soak this project for every last buck.
Uh-uh.
A snake he is.
A killer he isn't.
(STEAM HISSING) Oh, God! (INAUDIBLE) We're locked in.
Then again, I may have misjudged him.
Oh, my God.
Is it my imagination, or is it getting hotter? (MUTTERING) This is why I never order lobster.
(SIGHS) Because you might get locked in a sauna? (CHUCKLING) No.
Mmm-mmm.
Because I can't help wondering what it would feel like to be cooked alive.
(BOTH LAUGHING) And now I know.
Mmm.
Look at the bright side.
What bright side? Hmm.
It's just you and me.
(CHUCKLES) Alone.
Scantily clad.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Sharing a glass of champagne.
(EXHALING) Steam rising from our flesh.
You mean, searing our flesh.
Small detail.
Cause of death.
(LAUGHING) Spoilsport.
Oh, there you are! What do you two think you're playing at? There's been a murder.
We know.
Another murder.
JIM: What an incredible loss to fandom.
What an incredible loss to my wallet.
Fandom? The whole community of devoted Beyond the Beyond fans, who have lost another guiding light.
A blinking light.
Oh, it's a tragedy.
An unbelievable horror.
Uh, wither Beyond the Beyond? Whatever are you talking about? Who has the rights to the series, now? Lan.
It's a valid question.
You do.
Me? You? Yes.
I think you owe the fans an honest answer.
You see, in lieu of cash, as part of lan's screenwriting deal with Winthrop, he has been given Stipe's interest in the series.
I am a very good agent.
This is a nightmare.
You're telling me! And now that Winthrop is, well, dead, all the rights revert to lan.
Now, hold everything! Yes, yes, please, everybody, give Professor Matheson complete solitude as he has a screenplay to write and a merchandising empire to manage.
IAN: What are you doing? Just pushing things along.
Pushing me into a grave.
If the killer finds out I have all the rights, I'll be the next victim.
Exactly.
What jolly fun! (BOTH SCREAMING) RANDl: A-ha! (NICOLE SCREAMS) I knew it was you.
Who else could it be? You came here to kill him.
I came here to seduce him.
Again? Why do you want to seduce him? Thanks.
For a part, of course.
Ah, now that he has complete control over Beyond the Beyond, he can cast whoever he wants.
You want to cast her? Oh, that's an idea.
Shh! Someone's coming.
Wait! I think I should search her first.
Shh, quickly.
(GRUNTING) (GASPS) Mr.
Snork! How dare you? You don't treat an international celebrity like a common intruder.
But you are a common intruder.
I merely came for a word with Professor Matheson.
A last word? You didn't knock.
(SNORTING) Hmm? Writers startle easily.
You thought he was writing in the dark? Definitely.
He had to be to even consider cutting me from the picture.
So, you came to kill me? No, I merely came to peek at the script.
I had to know if you were still in a right mind.
And if I wasn't? Well, then I would of I would have spoken to you man to man.
Dumbo.
Bit player! Has-been! Shh! I can hear somebody coming! (SNORTS) (SHUSHING) IAN: Randi, light! RANDl: Quiet, everybody! (SNORTS) (ALL SHOUTING) Get him! (IAN EXCLAIMING) (SNORTING) RANDl: Get him! Get him, Aunt Elsa! Gotcha! (GRUNTING) Who is it? Who is it? Elementary, Mr.
Snork.
This is the intrepid Captain Pierce, AKA Guy Goddard.
How do you know? There's no one else left.
(ALL GASPING) Good God! Surprise! You're supposed to be dead? I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Me? Disappointed? Well, I'm thrilled.
Shooting the movie would be so joyless without you.
(CHUCKLING) The laser, the explosion, the smoking boots, it was all an elaborate trick.
(CHUCKLING) Yes, and free, too.
The effects guys on the movie did it as an audition.
Incredible.
He's even cheap about his own murder.
Could you just please give me an explanation? Simple, really.
Somebody wanted to kill me.
Can't imagine why.
I wanted to smoke the bugger out before he succeeded.
Of course, I was convinced it was Winthrop.
Everything he did after my tragic death only served to bolster that.
So that's why you killed him? And came to off lan.
Off lan? Get with it.
No, no.
You've got it all wrong.
I came here for your help.
Wait.
You don't expect us to believe this story, do you? Believe it, bimbo! (STIPE EXCLAIMS) Where'd you get that? Cleavage has its advantages, but then you wouldn't know about that.
I told you I should have searched her first.
So it was you who was trying to kill me.
Imagine my joy, when someone beat me to it.
But why? I was always so kind to you.
I slept with you.
You promised me a role in the series! And I gave you one.
You reduced me to a cube! No, technically, a dodecahedron.
(EXCLAIMS) Mr.
Snork! ELSA: Mr.
Snork! You crushed me, and my career.
You wouldn't even put me in the movie.
And neither would Winthrop.
Buona sera, boys and girls (GUN FIRES) (NICOLE SCREAMS) Cowards! Go ahead, hide.
I've got all night.
And I've got enough bullets for all of you! Hide! If I find one, I will kill with my bare hands.
RECORDED VOICE: Go no further, earthling! You have been warned.
Show yourself! You have entered the nebula of no return.
Prepare to fire on alien life form.
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God.
Nice shot! How tragic.
How horrifying.
How fitting.
What do we do now? I'm going to the typewriter.
I think I'm finally getting the hang of this stuff.
What? (PEOPLE CHATTERING) You, Mr.
Snork, Captain Pierce and the convention seem to have survived rather nicely.
Well, when you've traveled together to the furthest boundaries of space and encountered the strangest creatures in the cosmos, one deranged killer doesn't faze you.
(LAUGHS) What about the movie? A firm go.
With the original cast.
Hmm.
Watching your back? No, watching the account ledgers.
With all the publicity that this little escapade has brought us, we don't need big-name actors, after all.
Which brings us to the screenplay.
(ELSA CLEARS THROAT) Ah, yes.
I've worked out a few things and contractual points for lan's contract All done! I call it The Amoeba Molemen of Leah Nebula 9.
I've been writing it all night.
I'm really grateful for everything you've done, including the screenplay, but I've already hired a screenwriter.
I call it The Return of the Muck-Gerbils.
Gripping, I'm sure.
After all, no one knows more about the show than Jim does, except me, of course.
But we don't want you to go away empty-handed.
First.
You are now Commodores of the Galactic Conglomeration.
Wow! Now aren't you glad you came? The darkest reaches of space.
The furthest boundaries of adventure.
ALL: One starship journeys into the unknown, exploring the mysteries that lie beyond the beyond.
(CHEERING) I should like to come back here in a few light years and see how everything turned out.
Imagine, an entire planet, modeling its society on an ancient Playboy magazine.
Fascinating, indeed.
The females would evolve with staples across their waists.
(CHUCKLES) But think what would have happened if the merchant ship had crash-landed with a cargo of those ancient slasher movies, instead.
One discarded artifact can reshape a species, a planet, an entire universe.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! What is it, Captain? I left a pair of my trousers in the Queen's boudoir.
Your Herculite trousers? Yes! Herculite is the basic material from which Argulon is formulated.
And Argulon is the basic component of our Totonian warp drive.
Are you saying that because I left a pair of my trousers on that planet, the aliens could develop warp drive and colonize the cosmos? I'm saying, Captain, that in a hundred light years, they may be wearing the pants on this universe.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Great! Wasn't that great, lan? Lan.
(SNORING) (SIGHS) Be prosperous and multiply.