Sledge Hammer! s01e14 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Captain, who's that man? Is he a cop? Unfortunately.
He's from InternaI Affairs.
And he's checking the records for cops who break the rules.
I don't want to be here when he sees Hammer's file.
You won't.
I hid it.
I sent Hammer home, and got rid of every scrap of paper with Hammer's name on it.
That guy won't even know Hammer exists.
I wish I could say the same.
We know you're in there.
If you don't come out immediately, we are prepared to use force.
- Sledge Hammer! - Did I hear the magic word, "force"? Yeah, we've got the leader of a Satanic cult barricaded inside.
We've been threatening him for 20 minutes but he doesn't respond.
Then blow the scumsucker away! We don't want a shoot-out.
Not with the Queen of England here.
The Queen would love it.
She could throw the first grenade.
It just wouldn't work, Sledge.
Here.
Don't worry, I can be very diplomatic when I want to.
'OK, replicant, play hard to get.
'I haven't killed anybody all day.
' He's naked.
That's why he didn't respond.
He was in the shower.
- It's not always the way.
- It's all right.
He's clean.
Come on.
Well, Captain, it's hard to believe, but your people seem to have spotless records.
Not a bad apple in the bunch, right? I won't waste any more time.
I'm leaving.
Sure you don't want to stay? - Have a cup of coffee, check more records? - It won't be necessary.
Hey, Captain, look.
I brought in the trash.
Who are you? What are you doing? - What is this? Twenty Questions? - Hammer! This is Inspector Perkins from InternaI Affairs.
A cop who busts cops, huh? - Does he work here? - This is Inspector Sledge Hammer.
I don't remember seeing that name.
Who is this man you're abusing? The name is Slag.
Slag.
This rodent is the leader of a bloodthirsty cult of Satan worshippers.
And so far, I like him better than I like you.
Captain, I'd like to see Inspector Hammer's files, please.
- Doreau? - Yes? - Get the wheelbarrow.
- Yes, sir.
I'm gonna take this scumsucker downstairs and violate his civiI rights.
You will do no such thing.
You will take this suspect to a holding cell.
Have him transferred in the morning.
But first, you will give him his one phone call.
- What do you want? Pepperoni? - Hammer? - You said a phone call.
- His call.
- Yeah? - Hello, AngeI, it's me.
Slag! Where are you? I'm down at the police station.
Can you come down and get me out? Of course.
They got Slag! Come on! Certainly.
Ricky, meet Inspector Hammer.
Since all our men are guarding the Queen, the Academy sent this cadet to help.
This is all so exciting.
I can't believe I'm actually here.
I've never even fired a gun before.
Yeah, I used to be like you once.
And then I entered first grade.
I'm ready to work.
If there's anything I can do, just ask.
Well, Cadet, if you want something to do clean this.
- Oh, Hammer.
- It's dirty.
Inspector Hammer, I have been reading your file.
- I am very upset.
- Jealous, huh? - No.
- No? No, I am not jealous.
Look at this.
You ran a counterfeiter through his printing press.
- He was almost killed.
- But he looked like a million bucks.
You have violated 25 of the 26 Amendments to the Constitution.
- I missed one? - That's it! Take me to that suspect you brought in.
We'll see if he wants to file a complaint against you.
Mr Slag, I want to find out if Inspector Hammer has mistreated you in any way.
What are these? Are these shackles really necessary? I'm trying to make his stay in HoteI Hammer uncomfortable.
- Remove these shackles.
- You don't want me to.
Inspector Hammer! - Ah! - There.
Does that feeI better, Slag? Just tell me if you want me to help.
Say, "Help me, Hammer" and I'II Help All right, heeI, rat boy.
What's wrong with him? He's a bleeding-heart liberaI creep.
But other than that, he's OK.
Captain, for your information, I just saved this man's life.
Hammer! Hammer, what have you done? Doreau, phone the medic, please.
The line's dead.
Captain, the radio's gone out.
First the phone, and now the radio? Looks like somebody's not paying the bills! Grace, go down to the basement and check the fuses.
Doreau, take care of Perkins.
Hammer, stay here and be still.
Wonder how upset he'd get if the toilets stopped flushing? Grace, at ease.
It's just a mouse.
Haaah! - Grace, do something! - What shall I do? Use the light.
Don't shine it on his face.
Hit him with it.
Inspector Perkins, please wake up.
- Why is it so dark in here? - It's not dark.
You must be going blind.
Grow up, Hammer.
No.
Captain, what happened? This individuaI tried to kill me.
With these.
It was dark down there.
Maybe he thought you were a rose bush.
Who are you? I am a soldier of The EviI.
Finally someone I can talk to! At least I know where he's coming from.
What were you doing down there? Ha Hammer So, you dirty hippy, for once in your life you're ready for a job interview.
Hammer, you barbarian, that man has rights.
Fools! You have me, but there are many more outside.
And we'll kill you all.
Unless we get Slag.
We want Slag.
We want Slag! We want Slag! We want Slag! How many are there? One two three About four hundred.
We got no men, we got no power.
We're surrounded by hundreds of bloodthirsty Satan worshippers.
See what happens when you allow freedom of worship? The Bill of Rights, it stinks.
I'm going down to the arsenaI on a gun run.
Anybody want anything? We're going to have to make do.
Maybe we can hold out till the morning shift gets here.
- That's not untiI 5am.
- What time is it now? My watch must be fast.
We've got to get these lights back on.
Those zombies are blocking the way to the generator.
We can get to the generator through the air shafts.
That's a good idea.
But you thought of it.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
OK, don't worry.
I'm fine.
I wish I had you all in here with me.
I'm almost there.
Almost there.
This is right, yeah.
See, there's a light right ahead of me.
Where am I? Oh.
Hammer, you big oaf! Get out of there.
I'll go fix the generator.
I went left when I should have gone right.
Or maybe right when I should've gone left.
Be carefuI, Captain.
Listen up.
We're gonna have to seaI off this entire floor.
Cadet, barricade the rear entrance.
Grace, take care of the fire door.
- Majoy, take the prisoner to the holding cell.
- No way.
I leave this desk, I don't get paid.
Inspector Hammer, Captain Trunk isn't gone for two minutes and you start giving orders.
You're acting like this is some frontier fort.
This is not the Old West.
What a shot! Landed right on my file.
Oh, let it burn.
- What are you doing? - Doreau, I have an idea.
We need help.
So I'm gonna let these prisoners put their criminaI talents to use.
For us.
You.
What are you in for? - I'm a call girI.
- I'm a flasher.
- Doreau, give me your gun.
- I've only got one round.
- Inspector Hammer - Not now.
The cultists don't want us.
If we give them Slag, they'll let us go.
No, they'll kill us.
I'm an American, I don't negotiate with terrorists.
If we hang tough, we'll survive.
At least, most of us.
Grace? Attitudes like yours will bring about the Apocalypse.
- I'll have your badge.
- What'll you want next? My pants? Stop it! The only way we're going to get through this alive is if we stick together.
Doreau, for once you're right.
I'll take Perkins up on the roof and he can draw their fire.
Oh, good, we got the lights back.
It's easy to see how you made detective! Nice work, Captain.
- Cadet, help me.
- I'm sorry, I can't hit a woman.
What? Wife of Slag.
Help me out.
I'm stuck.
Here.
Get your hands off my face! You've sealed off another entrance.
There's no way they can get to us.
If everybody did their job.
- I blocked the fire doors.
- I sealed the rear entrance.
What about the elevators? Hammer, it's the janitor! Sorry.
There must be hundreds of them on the roof.
And we're almost out of ammo.
We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Get controI of yourself, boy.
You know, you are going to turn out to be a good cop, Ricky.
Listen up, there's nothing to worry about.
We still have three bullets left.
How are you gonna kill hundreds of cultists with three bullets? - I need a couple of lucky ricochets.
- If only we could get to the arsenaI.
If we make a run, they'll cut us to ribbons.
All we have to do is give them back Slag.
Will you stop with that plan? I do not give in to the demands of criminals.
Except for one who liked gettin' beat up.
How did you ever become Inspector? I got demoted.
- What's that? - The police copter! - It passes over every night.
- If we can signaI, they can send help.
All we have to do is get the cultists to spell out SOS.
I have a better way.
I have a flare gun in my desk drawer.
Why do you have a flare gun in your office desk drawer? In case I have to use it on you.
Here.
All right, so you've got your precious flare gun.
- Who's going to the roof to fire it? - That's a suicide mission.
Hammer, you go.
Did you get their attention? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Situation's hopeless.
- Don't talk like that, Doreau.
Be a man.
Try and understand, Hammer.
I can't be a nihilist like you.
I'm not made of stone and steeI.
I know.
You're much softer.
You noticed? Doreau, I notice everything.
Hey, where's Perkins? Oh Stupid penciI pusher! He took 'em up to the roof.
- They're gonna kill him.
- Those cultists aren't so bad, after all.
- Are you going to do anything? - Yeah, I'm gonna take a nap.
You really disappoint me, Hammer.
I'm gonna go help Perkins.
Yeah, me, too.
Inspector Hammer, you used to be my hero.
Hey, Slag, let's do it! Let him go.
Well, look who's here! Two girls and a little, baby cop! Aah! Well, you can shoot me.
And then my legions will tear you to pieces.
We're gonna make human sacrifices out of each and every one of you.
Except for you.
Yeah.
You're gonna be my bride.
While you all were playing around on the roof, I made a little run to the arsenaI.
And now, it's Hammer time! What are you doing? I've attached these explosives to this fuse.
If they don't surrender, we'll all blow up.
You're not that stupid.
- Says who? - You're bluffing.
Fourth of July's gonna be early this year.
Drop your weapons.
Well, girI, looks like you're safe now.
Hammer, the fuse! Go! Get 'em off! Help! Help! Aah! Stop! Aah! - Cadet, your chewing gum.
- Help me, come on! - Where'd you learn to do that? - It's in the police handbook.
You should try reading it sometime.
I'm waiting for the movie to come out.
- Hammer, where's Slag? - Right behind you, my pretty! - I wouldn't fire that, if I were you.
- And that is because you are weak.
No, it's because I know that gun has quite a recoiI.
Walk slower.
Man, talk about an all-nighter! Inspector Hammer, you to have to realise violence is not the answer to everything.
People like you are a menace to us all.
So why'd you save my life? Because it was my duty.
Besides, I wanted to be able to put you on report.
Detective.
Well, Hammer, did you learn anything? Yeah.
I'll never spend a night with him again.
- Let's get outta here.
- Thank God this nightmare is over.
Not for me.
I get to clean up this mess.
You missed a spot.