Stuck in the Middle (2016) s01e14 Episode Script

1 Doing laundry in a family of nine is like a scene out of a horror movie.
There's no escape, and it always ends badly.
Incoming! GEORGIE: I'm good.
But like all horror movies, there's one girl smart enough to outwit the monster.
Me.
Let me stop you right there.
New construction must be approved by the boss of this town.
It's me.
She's my number two.
I'm about to turn the worst chore on Planet Diaz into the coolest.
Allow me to introduce Zip-A-Dee Laundry.
"We get the doo-dah out.
" Cool! Round trip for two, please.
Slow your roll.
I promised Mom laundry only.
No human cargo or their demented dolls.
Doll? Right to her face? What's up with that? Sorry, Deathnee.
Just trying to save you a trip to the doll hospital.
Although, you look like you need one.
And I need more laundry.
- Can I help? - Yes.
Just stand there and don't bug me.
She left us alone.
This is really more on her.
DAPHNE: Whee! Are you okay? Except for the smell.
(SNIFFS) Daphne, what happened? (FAKE CRYING) Harley's invention hurt me, Mommy.
- Harley! - I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.
I was trying to make something super useful for the whole family and Daphne You know you're not allowed to build anything - that could hurt anyone.
- But Daphne didn't listen.
That zip line hurt me.
It didn't, but I might.
I told her not to touch it.
That's enough.
Rachel! Georgie! Ethan! I'm so mad I don't even know what your name is.
It's Harley.
Harley, upstairs.
You're on lockdown.
Lockdown? Lockdown.
It's the worst punishment in the family.
Normally reserved for Diaz-on-Diaz crime.
Pinching, biting, purple nurples.
Really any color nurple.
No visitors, no internet, no hope.
And the first thing you're doing when you get out is taking down that laundry death machine.
Mommy, I think a chocolate chip cookie would make me feel better.
Oh, of course, sweetheart.
Hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you You've heard of the terrible twos? Well, Daphne's hit the sinister sixes.
That's three times worse with twice the vocabulary to blame things on me.
Who got into my jewelry? DAPHNE: Harley did it! (YELLS) DAPHNE: Harley did it! It's easy for the youngest kid to avoid being punished just because they're the baby.
Even if they're way too old to act like one.
Speak of the devil.
Literally.
Georgie's old high tops? Rachel's makeup mirror? So random.
What's she doing? Remember life before we had kids? We look fun.
You're reaching a little far back for me.
I can't even remember where I put my car keys.
As much as I love a good key search, with the twins at camp, I'm finally getting through my list of things I haven't had time to do.
Number ten, nap.
That's only if I get through the first nine.
I'm happy to take number ten off your hands.
Dad, can I borrow 20 bucks? Okay, thanks.
- What if I say no? - Okay, thanks.
You always borrow money and you never pay me back.
That is so not true.
There was that one time that I borrowed money to buy you a tie for your birthday.
You want 20 bucks? Earn it.
Since your sister's on lockdown, you can run the slushy stand.
Kids, sticky stuff, the general public.
Does any of that sound like something I'm about? How come she gets to work there? I've been brainstorming slushy names for months.
Co-co-be Bryant.
Lindsay Vonn-illa.
Peyton Banan-ing.
I'm still working on that one.
You can work on it while you're slinging slushies with Rachel.
You're both hired.
As long as I get my 20 bucks.
You mean you're paying us too? Georgie, you won't believe.
Daphne Sorry.
Can't talk to you.
Lockdown rules.
Oh, no, I just did.
Please don't tell Mom.
- I just did it again.
- Forget lockdown.
Daphne just dumped a bunch of stuff in the backyard.
All I heard was "just" and "a," and that can still get me two days in the hole.
La la la la la la la Georgie, wait.
Come back.
I need your help.
And that's Rachel's backpack.
Ethan.
Ethan! Ethan, down here.
I'm not supposed to be talking to you, even through 20 feet of aquarium tubing.
You've got to see this.
Daphne's in the yard, and she's up to something.
Forget it.
I'm not breaking lockdown rules.
Fine, but she's got that tuner you use when you sing.
My Voice Bot? But that's what makes me sound like a rap star ballin' outta control with a hot model girlfriend on a yacht.
See, this is why I need the voice changer.
That's not all she's got.
Dad's high school football trophy, that candle Mom says she's gonna burn when she finally gets to take a bath.
All right.
I'll just tell Mom what's up, Daphne gets caught, I can sound like a playa again.
And telling on Daphne won't be good enough.
She can weasel her way out of anything and put the blame on me.
Glad she never blames me.
I've got a 14-year lockdown-free streak going.
Which reminds me.
I'm not supposed to be in here.
You think that's gonna last? Lewie and Beast are at camp, I'm holed up in here.
Who do you think is next in Daphne's path of wrath? (YELLS) DAPHNE: Ethan did it! Oh, yeah, she's goin' down.
Great.
Now help me sneak out.
Are you nuts? If Mom comes in the room, she'll know you're not here.
I'll be an accomplice.
I'm not built for lockdown.
I'm a people person.
I got it covered.
Check it.
Mom Tracker 2.
0.
It's smaller, quieter, and even tracks her heart rate.
I made it from a pedometer Mom bought when she was on her big power-walk phase.
She power-walked five steps to the cookie drawer where she left it.
Okay, clogs, we got a big day.
We're starting.
They called us up to the show.
Hammies, I'm talkin' to you, too.
Get ready for the slush rush.
You know, you should really start memorizing the slushy menu.
What if someone orders off a secret menu? The secret is, if you want a slushy, order off the regular menu.
Girls, I gotta go pick up some parts for an outboard motor.
I'll be gone all afternoon.
BOTH: So we get to go home? Actually, I need you two to watch the store.
Rachel, since you're the oldest, you're in charge.
Fine.
My cell works better over by the cash register anyway.
That's my girl.
Now that you're in charge, you should really start brushing up on the slushy flavors, - and the bait prices.
- Why? I went from slushy stand to store manager by sitting here and texting.
I'm obviously doing something right.
Hey, Mom, I know you're busy Not doing number ten.
Still checking things off my to-do list.
You wanna know one of my favorite to-dos? Givin' my mom a hug.
Awww, bring it in.
Paying more attention to my kids is number four on my list.
Harley! I've been searching for this photo for hours.
Look at your sister on her training potty.
That's something no brother needs to see.
Freedom never smells as good as when you're on lockdown.
(SNIFFING) Actually, freedom smells like tuna fish and rotten bananas.
Trash day, you're killin' my moment.
Great.
Now she's on the run.
HARLEY: Clementines.
Daphne's favorite snack.
Follow the peels, we'll find the perp.
Yeah, a brother and sister following a trail of food.
That always ends well in fairy tales.
We waught her.
Wait, what did we catch her doing? HARLEY: Having the world's weirdest tea party? Ca-caw, ca-caw! Step right up.
Daphne and Deathnee's Little Shop of Wonders has got what you need.
Everything priced to sell, people.
Whoa! She's not just stealing stuff from the house.
She's selling it.
Daphne is so busted.
She's about to do some hard time in lockdown.
Today's special: baby teeth.
Three for a dollar.
This is bad, Ethan.
She's stealing stuff from the tooth fairy now.
We got her.
I'm gonna film it.
Uh Harls, what exactly do we have on her? It just looks like she's playing shop.
Plus, she's so adorable in that visor, Mom will totally believe her.
Aww, she really is the cutest Diaz.
Cute like a baby wolverine.
But you're right.
We have to wait to catch her while money's changing hands.
Lucky for us, Mom's busy with her project.
(PHONE RINGS) (RINGING CONTINUES) Lewie and Beast's camp again.
What did they do this time? They threw Ron off the roof? Oh, Ron's a CPR dummy? That's not so bad.
What if I go buy back my Voice Bot and you catch it all on camera? Daphne's not gonna sell to you, her brother.
She's not dumb.
No.
Not me.
I'm going undercover as hip-hop bad boy and warrior poet E-Town McMoney.
He's cooler than the rest, he's a BFTF.
That's best fun in the family.
I can't believe this is my best option.
Rachel, your friends are playing with a deluxe adult flotation vest for a non-Coast Guard approved use.
Stop, Kiki.
Take that off.
Orange is so not your color.
Try this.
Adorbs.
Do you have any idea how mad Dad will be if he comes back and sees there's a party going on? We can't blow this.
He called us up to the bigs.
Don't think of it as a party.
Think of it as a bunch of people buying slushies here, and not at the boba shop across the street, which totally means we're winning.
There's a way to win at slushy? Totes.
And we're crushing it.
Is this a joke? I can't let this retainer go for two bucks.
It was used by the Marshport werewolf.
What up, mama? How about three bucks for the voice changer, yo? Deal.
I'm sure it'll help with that lame disguise, Ethan.
How'd you know it was me? I don't think acting's your thing.
Stick to guitar.
Actually, you're not so hot at guitar either.
Laugh it up, because you're in big trouble.
Oh, really? It seems like it's your word against mine, and mine comes with this.
Awww! Well, mine comes with this.
(KIDS YELLING) Hey, that's my Voice Bot.
You're not old enough to be a playa.
Gotcha, little thug.
You're going on lockdown for a year.
When I say Co-co be, you say Bryant.
Co-co be.
- ALL: Bryant.
- Co-co be.
- Bryant.
- In your face, boba place.
- Brain freeze! - (ALL CHEERING) What is going on here?! Put my daughter down.
You, take off that deluxe adult flotation vest.
Everybody out! This party is over! You two are on lockdown.
Lockdown? I didn't bite or nurple anyone.
She's in charge.
Mm, brain freeze.
Go ahead.
Show Mom the video.
She's going to wonder how you got it while you were in your room on lockdown.
I don't care if I go down as long as you're going down with me.
I'm not afraid of Mom.
(TRACKER BEEPING) Uh-oh.
Mom's on the move.
Just so you know, when people say uh-oh, it usually means they're afraid.
Harley, I'm bringing you a snack.
- (BUZZING) - HARLEY: Mom Tracker 2.
0.
Weird.
There's nothing in here.
Now comes with Mom distraction devices.
- Now what was I doing? - Including dryer ding.
Come on.
Selling our family stuff? That's a new low even for you.
I need money to buy new toys.
You've got toys here.
Board games, badminton rackets.
I mean stuff I can play with by myself.
Deathnee's cool, but I have to come up with all the ideas.
Hold up.
You're selling the Harley hoop? But I made this for you.
Well, it's not like we play with it anymore.
We had a whole fun routine.
The Dazzling Diazes, remember? I'd start.
Then you'd go under the bridge.
Then you'd come back.
And then I would pass it to you.
Then I'd start.
And pass it to you.
But there's no you anymore.
And I can get three dollars for this.
Ten if I say it belongs to Lady Gaga.
Harley, wanna go melt stuff in my Tiny Bake oven? Can't.
Going to the movies with Georgie.
HARLEY: Oh.
I get it now.
Wanna go hide-and-go-bury? Can't.
Ethan and I are going to the mall.
(DOOR CLOSING) When I hit the double digits, I guess I left the single digits behind.
The problem isn't that Daphne wanted me in trouble.
She just wanted me.
I'll give you ten dollars for the hula hoop.
But it wasn't Lady Gaga's.
No.
It belonged to someone way cooler.
So I chased the kid who took my Voice Bot all the way to the marina.
Bad news.
Dad just put Rachel and Georgie on lockdown, and they're heading home.
Also, we missed a pretty awesome party.
Great.
As soon as they get there, they're going to see I'm not in my room.
I'm busted.
No, you're not.
We can get you back safe if we work together.
Wait, we're working with her now? Boy, you leave for a minute, the whole world turns on its head.
I'm so glad I updated Mom Checker two point (GASPS) Mom Tracker's offline.
Where'd you guys come from? Uh nowhere special.
Not doing anything unusual.
Way to keep it cool, dimples.
What happened to Mom Tracker? She took off her sweatshirt.
Okay, feeling better about my invention.
- (DOOR OPENS) - But, Dad! Girls, I don't wanna hear it.
And way worse about ever getting upstairs.
But it wasn't even a party.
It was savvy marketing for your fish killing store.
And we destroyed the boba shop.
Their mascot was crying little tapioca tears.
You know, if Zip-A-Dee Laundry can get me downstairs, it can get you upstairs.
What? Are you kidding me? Not a party? - Daphne, you're a genius.
- You just noticed? There were more kids at my store than I have in this house.
It's good to know when Lewie and Beast are gone, the rest of the kids will step up to make our lives difficult.
But, Dad, we made you $180.
Oh, actually, 160.
You still owe me that 20.
Um me and my socks.
Hangin' out.
Okay.
Girls, you're on lockdown.
Upstairs.
Sorry, Dad.
I'm not sorry.
That was a great party.
When I say boba, you say tears.
Boba.
- Tears.
Tears.
- Boba.
Hey, guys.
Is it dinnertime yet? Sure lose track of time when you're on lockdown.
Well, don't worry.
You're getting some new cellmates.
Harley, were you outside? Are these your footprints? Harley didn't do it.
Ethan did.
It wasn't Ethan.
It was me.
I broke lockdown rules.
But it was totally worth it.
Okay, I don't know what's going on here, but you're both on lockdown.
Made it 14 years lockdown-free.
That's still a family record.
This is inhumane.
I can just feel I'm getting a text right now.
They don't even let us walk the yard.
- (CLATTERING SOUND) - DAPHNE: I did it! Those are words I never thought I'd hear Daphne say.
I got myself on lockdown.
And look what I got.
- Ready to kick it? - You know it.
The Dazzling Diazes are back.
Check out my 360.
All right.
Check out my double crisscross.
One, two, three.
I'm so entertainment-starved, this actually looks fun.
That's the funny thing about being a little kid.
No matter how big you get, you have to remember the littles.
(LAUGHING) And that's the Dazzling Diazes.
Hey.
Thought you were gonna clean out the garage.
I'm done with projects.
With all the kids on lockdown, I'm gonna do what I really wanna do nap.
Treat yourself, hon.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) It's Beast and Lewie's camp.
Spare me the details.
We'll come get them now.
Paid for a week, they made it a day.
Still better than last year.