Taxi (1978) s01e14 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) Louie, this is Rieger in 264.
Just dropped off a fare from the airport at 79th and Park.
LOUIE: Got it.
By the way, Rieger, better be on the lookout.
It's a full moon.
You know what that means.
Every creep in this city will be out tonight.
Well, be sure to wear a jacket, Louie, it's getting chilly.
You think you're a real Jan Murray, don't you, Rieger? WOMAN: Taxi! Louie, I got a fare.
Get back to you.
Taxi! Shea stadium, please.
There's no game tonight.
I didn't ask for the schedule, thank you.
WOMAN: Oh, that's Shea stadium, huh? ALEX: That's it.
You call that a ballpark? Well, it looks better with the lights on.
Old Ebbets field looked good even in the dark.
Lady, I didn't build the place, I just Well, never mind, never mind.
Just take me to La Guardia airport.
I know a place at the end of one the runways where the big ones come down so close the lights shine right in the window and you can hear them lower their landing gear, they come down so close.
Hey, full moon ( engine roars ) That's the closest one yet, Alex.
Yeah, I think he left some rubber on the roof.
I like you.
Most cab drivers want to talk.
They do nothing but ask me questions all night.
I know what you mean.
Do you do this often? Oop! That was a question, I'm sorry.
Aw, that's okay.
I do it every once in a while.
I love New York City.
I've lived here all my life.
I was at Woolworth's You should have used the express line.
( laughing ) Got you that time, huh? I was a clerk on the candy counter.
Oh.
Say, why don't we drive past the store I used to work at, then you can take a look at it? Is it on our way? Everything is on our way.
Let's go.
( horns honking ) Well, here's where I call home.
I had a very nice time.
You know something? So did I.
Yeah.
Well, why don't you pick me up here tomorrow night, say about 6:00-ish? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, I check into the garage around 5:00, 5:30, and I never know how long I have to wait for the day driver to bring in a cab I can use.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe I'll see you again sometime.
For sure.
How much do I owe you for the trip tonight? Well, I warned you it was going to be high.
Uh $74.
25.
Here.
Would you stop worrying? Believe me, I'm comfortable.
In fact, I'm filthy comfortable.
On a Woolworth's pension? ( chuckles ) No, you see, Alex, when I was young, girls my age were supposed to get married, but something told me not to, so I didn't, and then I went to work instead.
Just a few months before I was retiring, I met this very wealthy man.
He asked me to marry him, and, uh, something told me to accept.
Four months after the wedding, he died and he left me everything.
There's a moral in there somewhere.
Well, thank you, ma'am, it was very nice.
Yes.
Now, I'd like to give you a really good tip, Alex.
What's the best tip you ever got? Well, a guy gave me $25 once.
Yeah.
Well here's $26.
Congratulations, Alex, you set a new record.
Well, thank you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Yeah.
Hey, let me help you out.
Forget it.
TONY: Hey, Lou-- Hey, Lou, how about putting me in one of them clean cabs? Man, you're always sticking me in pigpens.
Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.
You want me to explain it to you? Yeah.
You got a minute? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Come here.
You see, it's like this: I don't give a rat's corpse whether you get a clean cab or not.
Oh okay.
Thanks for explaining it to me.
I enjoyed it.
It never fails, you know? Every full moon I get people too crazy for Bellevue.
My very first fare last night was a guy who introduces himself as God.
Well, I had an interesting night myself.
Yeah, I picked up, uh, three drunks and a flasher two transvestites Oh, yeah, and one guy who thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Just crazies like that shouldn't be allowed out on the streets.
Hey! TONY: Yo, Alex! ALEX: Yo, ho, ho.
Hey, Alex, did you get any full moon crazies last night? No, I lucked out.
I got this very charming old lady who just wanted to drive around and talk.
Oh, yeah? You drove around all night and talked? She tipped me 26 bucks.
For 26 bucks I'd drive around and sing "You Light Up My Life.
" I know.
I'm eating.
( giggles ) So you are.
No I mean, I'm eating.
ELAINE: What are you talking about? Well, last night I picked up a couple of rock musicians, and I think I'm still on my contact high.
I've had guys smoke powerful stuff in the back seat before, but nothing like this.
Come on, you still can't be high.
Oh, I hope I am, because the only thing I can think about is the fact that my hair is growing all the time.
( laughter ) I'd kill for a Twinkie.
Oh, Alex, there you are.
Hey, Dee, what are you doing here? Oh, these must be your friends.
Don't tell me who they are.
I want to guess.
Uh, oh, you must be Elaine.
Yeah! It's a pleasure to meet you.
I really admire you working two jobs, raising children.
That must be hard.
Yeah, it gets tough sometimes, you know? But I got to a point in my life where I decided I either had to do this for myself or Alex, who am I spilling my guts out to? I'm sorry, this is Dee Wilcox, the lady I drove around last night.
Your names came up in the conversation.
I feel I know you all.
I feel I like you all.
Whoever brought her in, get her out.
I bet you're Louie.
Am I right? Sell it someplace else, sister.
I am right.
Alex, I got the perfect solution to our problem.
What problem? Whenever I want to ride with you I'll catch a cab here.
No, Dee, this is crazy.
You know, sometimes I have to wait an hour before Louie gives me a cab.
Oh! Banta! Come over here.
Don't say I never done nothing for you.
Uh, Mr.
De Palma, if I tipped you $5, would you consider, uh Hey, Tony, get out of there! Get get out, come on.
Rieger! What? You got 142, come on.
Come on, get in, get in.
Taxi! Old age is a funny thing.
I woke up this morning, found myself wanting blue hair.
Well, don't rush into anything, Dee.
All right, I'll think about it.
Did I tell you how I met George? Your husband? No, I don't think you mentioned that.
He came up to me at the counter where I was working, and he said, "I want a box of candy "for the most beautiful girl that I've ever seen.
What would you recommend?" I gave him some milk chocolate-covered maraschino cherries wrapped in a heart-shaped box.
He bought it and he handed it to me.
Pretty slick, huh? That's terrific, you know? Yeah.
It's too bad you two didn't have enough time together.
Yeah.
Well I miss George's crapola.
You know, it must be very strange after a lifetime on a limited budget to be rich all of a sudden.
Oh, I felt very uncomfortable at first.
I was trying to live the same old way I'd always lived, be the same old Dee I'd always been.
And then one day I went shopping in Bloomingdale's.
I had a terrible time deciding what hat to buy.
Suddenly I said to myself, "What the hell, buy them all!" And that was the day I decided being poor was best left to people with no money.
( horns honking ) Another wonderful evening.
Yeah.
Here's your fare.
What did I give you for a tip last night? Let's break a new record.
Oh, come on, please, let's not break a new record.
Oh, now, Dee I am not going to take $100 from you.
Now, look right at me.
I'm not taking $100 from you.
Oh, please don't say no.
Makes me feel patronized.
Okay.
You win, I lose.
So why don't I feel worse? Well, maybe money doesn't mean that much to me.
What's important to me is what I can buy with my money: Nice food, nice clothes, nice people.
See you tomorrow, huh? Hey, Alex! You picking up the old lady again tonight? Yes, if you mean Dee, I am.
Listen, this Dee doesn't have a sister, does she? Would you believe it? These guys have been picking up old ladies all over the city looking for a setup like yours.
It's not a setup, John.
She's just a customer.
Customer-- she's the mother lode.
You know, Alex, when I first got this job, everyone told me that the best fares were in the upper 80s.
I thought they were talking about streets.
LOUIE: Rieger! An anonymous donor just called and said she wants to reupholster your cab.
I wonder who it could have been.
( laughing ) Did Mommy Warbucks raise your allowance? That broad is older than the continental shelf! Her age would make a good bowling score! "Oh, Alex, be a dear and take the kitty out for a wee-wee.
" ( hysterical laughter breaks into coughing ) Hey, Louie, Louie, take a quick gulp of this.
Thank you.
That's hot coffee! ( laughing ) DEE: I have a little surprise for you.
Oh, what's that? It's a gift.
Oh, that's really nice of you, Dee, but I really can't accept gifts from you.
I mean, it's it's just not right.
Would you accept it if it was for your birthday? Well, yeah, I guess, if it was my birthday.
Well, Happy Birthday, early or late, however you want to call it.
Oh, Dee! That's really a very nice sport coat.
It's cashmere.
Look, Dee, I'm really feeling weird about driving you around at night, you know? I mean, it's strange, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're right, it is strange.
Why don't I drive you tonight? No, no, that's not what I'm talking Whoa! Oh, here's the place! Oh.
"The Enchanted Island Ballroom.
" Yeah, I've got to meet some friends of mine here.
They're going to a dance.
I've got to show up.
Uh, now, uh, would you, uh, wait for me? I, uh, shouldn't be more than two or three hours.
Two or three hours! Well, uh, how about if I come back? Oh, no, wait.
Say, why don't you just come in? Come on, Dee, you have to be kidding.
No! Nobody even knows you and it's lovely and warm in there and there's plenty to eat and drink.
You can listen to the music.
No, no, I think I'd feel out of place, thank you.
Oh, they wouldn't notice you, dear.
Look, I'm not dressed.
Oh, sure, nothing could be dressier than a cashmere jacket.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, I think I'd need a tie.
Oh, yeah.
Merry Christmas.
( orchestra plays fox-trot music ) Listen, Dee, I'll be waiting over there.
When you want to leave, come get me, okay? Aw, no, come on and visit a little.
Dee, I don't know anybody here.
Oh, sure you do.
Uh, there's, uh, Emily Simmons the one I told you had 37 grandchildren.
Oh, yeah.
And there's Mary Trueworthy.
She's in DAR.
And, uh, there's the gal I told you had three facelifts.
Bertha Farris.
That's her.
My God, I know everybody here.
Look, you see that man over there with the, uh, gray hair? Are you kidding? Oh, dear.
I mean I mean the one with the white carnation in his lapel.
Oh.
That's Weldon Manning.
Oh, yeah, I heard you mention him.
Yeah.
I've had my eye on him for a long time.
I'm bringing him along slowly.
You may not see any smoke, but I happen to know there's a fire in that furnace.
Oh, he's coming over here.
Hello, Dee.
Weldon, I didn't know you were coming tonight.
You look lovely tonight, Dee.
May I have the honor of this dance? Oh, certainly.
Would you excuse us, Alex? Yes, certainly.
Thank you.
I'll just be over here holding up the wall.
That's a cutie you're with tonight.
Excuse me? Oh.
I'm with the one over there, with the fox stole.
That's the only thing foxy about her.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Well, my Maserati needs a tune-up, and sometimes it's hard to make ends meet, you know? Yeah.
I wonder when the government will get around to socialized Maserati tune-ups? Yes! Do you drive one yourself? No.
Actually I drive a different car every night.
Hey, ¡bueno! ¡Mucho mejor! Sometimes I wonder whether it's all worth it-- you know, spending hours under the sun lamp, visiting the hair stylist four times a week doing pushups, situps, day after day Aw, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
Yes.
By the way, they, uh they call me Ramon.
Oh.
Call me, uh, Tandalayo.
Hey, Tandalayo, are you new on the circuit? Well, actually, Ramon, I'm not on the circuit.
I'm just here with a friend.
You mean you're dating grandma for nothing? Now, look, Ramon, in the first place, she's not a grandma, in the second place, we're not dating and in the third place, she's just a friend of mine.
Hey, you're sensitive-- they like that.
You will do well.
Oh, excuse me, my lady just got out a cigarette.
Duty calls, you know.
Yup.
I like your tie.
Thanks.
I like your ribs.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, Alex I'm afraid I have to spend most of the evening with Weldon.
Well, he seems like a nice man.
Yes, but, we can still have one dance, can't we? I'd be charmed.
Wasn't it great? Yeah, great.
Aw, lighten up a little.
For a young guy, you can be a real drip sometimes.
I won the Rhumba contest, didn't I? Uh, no, I won the Rhumba contest.
I was carrying you.
Dee, I didn't ask to go to that dance.
Oh, well next time, try to get into the spirit of the thing.
I'm not going to any more dances, please.
Oh, you just felt self-conscious because your coat is too small for you.
Next time I'll get you a white suit like that guy Ramon had.
Dee, Dee, I think it's time we called a halt to this whole arrangement.
What do you mean? We can't go on seeing each other like this.
We can't? No! I mean, look, it's okay, I we can see each other once in a while, but, please, no more money.
I can't handle it, please.
No more money, okay? I guess it's good-bye.
What? Wouldn't be the same without the money.
What are you talking about? Well, money may not mean that much to you but to me, it ranks right up there with oxygen.
It's the best way there is of dealing with people.
What about friendship? Well, next time you go into a restaurant you tell the Maitre d' if he gives you a good table, you'll be his buddy.
Well, then, give your money to Maitre d's and waitresses, somebody who wants it.
But you don't have to give me money, Dee.
No, I know that but it wouldn't be the same without money.
I wouldn't be able to trust you.
You'd be more casual about calling.
You wouldn't be on time.
Money makes people punctual.
I know people gave their whole lives to their children.
Those children don't even come to see them.
If I had any kids, you can bet your buttons I would put them on my payroll, and they'd come to see me.
Especially on payday.
Aw, come on, don't let's argue, Alex.
I had a wonderful time tonight.
Here, come and pick me up tomorrow at 4:00.
I'm having my hair done.
Damn it! You are the most Never mind.
What? No, it's better I don't say anything.
No, say what you were thinking.
I'm old enough to take it.
Okay, you want to hear what I'm thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
I think this whole arrangement stinks.
I have never felt so used in all my life.
You know, I thought that you really liked me.
I thought we were friends.
But that wasn't what you had in mind, was it? I was just a piece of merchandise.
Why do I sound like Joan Crawford? Aw, don't stop, it was just starting to be fun.
Well, it may be fun for you but it's not fun for me.
I really don't enjoy being with people I don't like.
And I I don't like you anymore.
Horse manure, you love me.
( chuckling ) Yeah, I guess I do.
Can we still have lunch together? Okay, but only if I pay.
Aw, you're sweet, Alex.
I just hope my stomach can take those dumps you can afford.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Good night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )