The Addams Family (1964) s01e14 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family See the spider on the maypole Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la That was lovely, darling.
Those old English madrigals are enchanting.
A bit sentimental, but lovely.
Madrigals.
Paintings.
I should've gone on that toad hunt with Mama.
How long do I have to hold this silly pose, Morticia? We'll take a break in a few minutes, Uncle Fester.
Just hold still.
My dear, there is no end to your talents.
That is Uncle Fester.
The twinkle in the eye, the inscrutable smile.
Darling, I haven't even started on Uncle Fester yet.
To be sure.
But then, you've always had a way with skulls.
Uncle Fester, what are you doing with my piggy bank? Is that your piggy bank? It doesn't look like a pig.
Anyway, I'm posing.
Don't you ever spend any money? Your mother is painting the gravedigger scene from Hamlet.
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.
" That's one of the most hilarious things old Shakespeare ever wrote.
He always tickled me so.
Mama's landed.
Seems mighty careless.
We'd better have a look.
Oh, man.
Like, where am l? Oh, forget it, Dad.
I know.
Nice and clammy.
You had us frightened, young man.
You got me a little frightened right now, but a couple of aspirin and it's gonesville for you spooks.
Spooks! Well, now, there's no need for flattery.
Thank you.
I think I'd better get him some of Mama's painkillers.
They're absolutely unbelievable.
Hey, you cats are for real.
Cats? Well, you must mean Kitty.
She's real, all right.
Oh, man, I'm wracked up worse than I thought.
Nonsense.
You'll be all right.
A couple of clean breaks, but Uncle Fester will have you fixed up in no time.
-Right! -I better see about those pills.
-All right.
Cool it, man.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
-Glad to hear it, son.
Your motorcycle's fine, too.
Frame was cracked in a couple of spots, but I welded them up.
Oh, the bike.
You'll need a new drive chain, too.
Yeah, well, just send the bill to the dead-letter office, will you? Hey, look, before I cut out of here, fill me in, will you? What's with all these oddballs around here? Oddballs? What oddballs? They went thataway.
Oh, this I gotta see.
You kids really live in this crumb box? We like it.
It's so nice and eerie.
I wish I could say as much for the coop I just flew.
You mean you don't like your home? Oh, sure, sure.
Like a stir bird loves his cell.
-Dig? -Only graves.
You break me up, sawed-off.
Look, where's my box? That's pretty.
Could you please play some more, sir? Look, catch my act at Carnegie Hall, will you? Children, who wants to help Mother pluck the albatross? -I do! It's my turn! -It's my turn! Here we are.
Swallow this pill.
You'll be a new man.
I'd rather stick with the old one.
Look, you take it.
Well, thank you.
By Jove, that hit the spot.
I really needed that.
What's this? Don't tell me.
A modern streamlined flail.
A flail? We seem to have mutual interests.
I'm a devotee of weaponry, too.
Much to be said for the sturdy design of the older model, but for skull-point accuracy I'll take this one anytime.
Are you putting me on, man? "Putting me on.
" You certainly turn a colorful phrase.
-Look, don't bug me.
-Bug me.
Sounds Elizabethan.
I'll have to check that.
Mrs.
Addams and I are fascinated by the study of language and philology.
And your jacket is very interesting, too.
Nice touch of an ancient coat of arms.
-Who's your tailor? -Tailor? -War surplus.
-War surplus? Listen, man, I need that part.
But pronto, so I'm not fooling around with no peasant.
Get me the top cat, like right now.
I'm so sorry the young man wouldn't join us.
Yes.
Casserole of spleen is tastier than ever, Lurch.
It's that pinch of hemlock, sir.
Darling, have you noticed how much livelier things have been since our young friend dropped in? Yes, just being with a fine, upstanding man like that makes you feel good all over, doesn't it? Listen, meathead, I don't care if you are the top cat.
Like, I want some action, huh? It's only a crummy motorcycle part, so let's get with it, man.
Well, check and double-check, will you? Why don't you geese get organized? Never heard such descriptive language.
Such rhythm.
Such cadence.
A complete individualist.
And we thought good breeding was a thing of the past.
I dig him the most.
Crazy.
See, it's all a matter of exposure.
It's rubbing off on them already.
How soon can you get it over here? Tomorrow? But, man, you don't know what I'm up against.
I'll go ape if I have to have to drag my anchor around here till tomorrow.
Any news, Rocky? Oh, yeah, like, the greatest.
Splendid.
Perhaps you can join us after all.
No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Come, now.
Show me the man who can resist my dear wife's puree of sea slug.
You're looking at him.
-How do you feel about braised giraffe? -Awful.
Look, look, I'll dig you people later.
I'm gonna cut out for a pad somewhere.
And if the motorcycle part gets here, well, then l -What's the matter, Rocky? -My knee, my knee.
Well, you're lucky it happened here.
Morticia's a great hand at first aid.
Born with a red thumb.
-You rang? -Lurch, hot oil and plenty of it.
And a good stout length of rope.
And Lurch, don't forget the leeches.
GOMEZ: Better dust off the rack.
How is our little patient? Nothing like a good, old-fashioned pillory for complete rest.
My dear? Uh-huh.
You're still feeling any pain? Lady, after this I don't even feel my leg.
Good.
A sign of healing.
Here we are.
I'm sure you'll be very comfortable on this.
You wanna bet? Can't beat this for solid comfort.
Yeah, solid.
Now, Rocky, I'm sure you're very tired and you'd like to rest.
If there's anything else you want, just shriek.
Come on, curly.
How much longer on this gig? Cool it, Rock.
Couple of flips of the wrist and coolsville.
I'll grab my gear.
No one, but no one, can capture the wistful expression of a hyena Iike you, dear.
Tish? Tish? Woolgathering again? I'm sorry, darling.
I was just thinking.
About Rocky? Mmm.
You know, the children are becoming very fond of him.
Yes.
And he can't quite hide his affection for them, either.
He's brought charm and individuality into our lives.
I wish we could keep him.
Mmm.
Well, that does it.
I'm going to fire off a strongly-worded letter to the editor.
It's about time.
That's the third day this week that paper's been late.
Yes, I can understand one day, or even two, but Well, well, listen to this, Morticia.
"Organizer of the giant merger is well-known tycoon "Rockland Cartwright ll.
" Does that ring a bell? Yes, I believe it does.
That's your vulture's feeding bell.
I was talking about Just a minute.
-You rang? -Yes, Lurch.
Would you be a good chap and fetch me the registration slip on Rocky's motorcycle, please? Thank you, Lurch.
You may go.
Excellent servant.
Anticipates my every wish.
And so cheerful, too.
Just as I thought.
Rockland Cartwright lll.
And our tycoon is Rockland Cartwright ll.
Obviously father and son.
Darling, you're right again.
Hey, Rocky, wanna help us make some hand grenades? It's for a surprise attack.
It'll be a blast.
Look, the only blast that I'm doing is off this pad.
You mean you're cutting out? WEDNESDAY: Please stay, Rocky.
Stay here? Look, nothing, but nothing, could make me stay here.
ROCKY: My dad! Except for one thing, and he's heading for this door.
-Who's that? -Never mind.
But look, kids Look, he's gonna ask for me, so you kids tell him you never saw me before.
Dig? Well? Gee, Rocky, we couldn't do that.
It would be lying.
So what? Look, kids, I'm in a tough spot.
Mr.
Cartwright, your son has run away three times already.
Sergeant, I've just got to find that son of mine.
So this time I'll do all the talking.
-You just try to look halfway intelligent.
-Yes, Mr.
Cartwright.
Well, well.
Hello, children.
Have you seen a young man with a black jacket and a black leather cap? Carrying a guitar? Riding a motorcycle? Riding a motorcycle? That's right.
Have you seen him? -Nope.
-Nope.
Another blank.
But I know he was last seen in this neighborhood.
-Put on another five men.
-Yes, sir.
Things are heating up a bit.
Okay, bring on the hand grenades.
-Wild.
-Wild.
Darling, did you notice this? Today is Rocky's birthday.
By George, that's true.
Darling, he's done so many nice things for us.
I think the least we could do is give him a surprise birthday party.
Capital.
Now, let's see, there'll be ourselves and the children, and Uncle Fester, and Lurch, and Rocky's father Rocky's father? Well, of course.
It wouldn't be the boy's birthday without his father here.
Yes.
By thunder, I can't wait to see the expression on old Cartwright's face when we tell him.
What? Yes, you're quite right.
I'd love to attend my son's birthday party.
Where? Don't worry.
I'll be there all right.
Even over the phone breeding will tell.
Like father, like son.
Now, darling, we want this to be a real surprise to Rocky.
So I'll instruct the children to keep it an absolute secret.
They're not to tell a living soul, or anyone else, for that matter.
-We know a secret.
-We know a secret.
-We know a secret.
-We know a secret.
Satan's coming to dinner.
That was last week.
Look, I'm gonna lay a little secret on you, kids.
I am gonna blow this popcorn stand.
We thought you liked it here.
You just can't go.
Why not? 'Cause we're having a birthday party for you.
But we're not supposed to tell you 'cause it's a surprise.
A birthday party for me? For me? Sure, Rocky.
It's your birthday.
Well, you kids laid a big favor on me.
I guess I can do the same for you.
I'll stick around.
PUGSLEY: Good! Follow me.
LURCH: Wait here.
Who's the manager of this broken-down funhouse? No need to tell us, sir.
Rockland Cartwright ll, allow me to present my lovely wife, Morticia.
Never mind that.
Where is that good-for-nothing son of mine? Mr.
Cartwright, what charming modesty.
I demand that you release him Good heavens, another one.
You can call me Uncle Fester.
I'd rather call the Marines.
Now you get Rocky out here this minute or I'll Oh, no, that would spoil everything.
You are going to be the big surprise.
You see, the plan is for you to hide behind the aspidistra.
I did not come here to play games.
Behind the aspidistra.
Bully for you, Uncle Fester! Oh, come on, Gomez.
You got to do it last time.
All right, Fester, have a go at it.
Rocky? Would you come down here a minute, dear? All right, Fester, let her rip.
GOMEZ: Happy birthday.
Like a solid riff for another year, Rocksville.
Thank you, Mr.
Addams.
Lay it on me, Rock.
Like we're the samesville.
And now, scattered about, very cleverly concealed, are your gifts.
All you have to do is find them.
Go on to it, Rock.
This is what I've always wanted, too.
-These are the best presents I ever -Wait, Rock.
There's one more.
Yes.
Go look.
You're getting cool, dear.
Now you're getting warmer.
Much warmer.
You're getting hot.
Very hot.
You're burning up.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
and Mrs.
Addams, you Nonsense.
We've already been thanked.
Come on, Son.
I'm getting you out of this rookery.
Listen, knock it off.
These people are my friends.
Friends? Why, they're a bunch of kooks.
Well, they're my kind of kooks and they dig me the way I am.
No rebuild jobs like Okay, okay.
Bring on the handcuffs.
No more handcuffs, son.
Key to your motorcycle.
You're free to go, if that's what you want.
That's what I want.
I'll grab my gear.
CARTWRlGHT: You people accepted the boy just as he is.
I tried to press him into a mold.
If there's a kook around here, it must be me.
-Well, I'll get out of your hair.
-Dad.
You going my way? Got a present for you, pal.
There you go.
Dad.
And this is for you, sawed-off.
Thanks, Rocky.
Well, so long, Rock.
Take it easy, kids.
Curly, there you go.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Addams, you You cats are all right.
Something fine and gracious has gone out of our lives.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Darling? Are you sure that Zen-Yogi exercise is good for your mind? It really keeps you on your toes.
Yes, I suppose it does.
Anything interesting in the paper tonight, dear? Nothing much.
A few riots, a few revolutions.
Oh-ho.
Says here that Rocky's joined his father's firm.
I do hope the work doesn't throw him.
Don't worry, querida mia.
That's a boy with his feet firmly planted on the ground.
Just like you, darling.
A pleasant noise.
What is it? That's what happens when you have a loose nut.