The Cool Kids (2018) s01e14 Episode Script

1 Charlie, please.
Please let me sign your cast.
No.
You laughed when I fell and hurt my wrist.
You will never sign this cast.
What? Are you guys still arguing about this? You're supposed to be adults.
You have a combined age of 140.
I'm sorry, it was funny when he fell.
He was carrying a hot fudge sundae and the cherry landed on his belly button.
I'm only human.
Hank, please talk some sense into these two.
I'd like to, but I was unaware of the cherry in the belly button.
That changes everything.
Friends let friends sign their casts.
You're right.
Friends do let friends sign their casts.
Hank, would you, uh, be so kind? And Margaret.
Oh, great.
Hank is signing in the spot I picked out.
This is outrageous.
Do you think that you two could, uh, settle this by recess? My friend Joanie is gonna stop by today.
I want to show her how awesome my new life is here.
You have other friends than us? Yeah, don't you guys? Okay.
Well Joanie and I got divorced around the same time, and when we met we became inseparable.
You guys are gonna love her.
She paints, she sculpts, she makes jewelry Still waiting for the stuff we'll love.
Oh.
Well, I forgot to mention she also farts the alphabet.
Seriously? No, but I can burp the Pledge of Allegiance.
MARGARET: [LAUGHS.]
Oh! Joanie! Wow! - Did you just get back from Oldchella? - Oh! - Oh, you're bad.
- [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH WHOOPING.]
Does this morgue have a bar? Hey, Joanie, meet Sid, Charlie, - and Hank.
- Hi.
Small, medium, and large.
I love it.
Would you like to sign my cast? Be honored.
SID: What?! You don't even know her.
Oh, a heart over the I real original, Joanie.
You're a frigging trailblazer.
[LAUGHING.]
: And when you grabbed that guy's keys [LAUGHING.]
: Yeah! And then back at the hotel You guys should have seen the look on the pool boy's face.
This is the fifth story you told today that doesn't have a beginning, a middle or an end.
Yeah, ladies, I feel like I'm watching Harry Potter I'm not sure what's going on and I'm not sure I care.
[LAUGHING.]
: You've really been talking this place up, but it as far as I can see, at first glance, - it seems a little sleepy.
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, that's 'cause you looking at Larry.
It also seems like a place where people come to die.
No.
You're thinking of a nursing home.
This is a retirement community.
Nothing but sex, drugs, and sex-drugs.
In all fairness, a lot of people do die here.
It's like a horror movie without the suspense.
So what's the plan tonight? How far away is Tijuana? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
We can't go back there.
Those nuns'll still be looking for us.
Margaret's got much cooler plans than that for tonight.
We are going to the Shady Meadows Luau.
I, for one, hope to get lei'd.
The lei, of course, - is a flowery necklace from Hawaii.
- Yeah.
It also means sex.
A clever play on words.
Now, Joanie, you gonna help Margaret, who will assume her usual role as my, uh, honey funneler.
- Honey funneler? - That is right.
She funnels the honeys to me.
I woo them with my humor.
And the next thing you know, I got an apple in my mouth and a grass skirt on my bedroom floor.
Yeah? We're not doing that.
Margaret, shall we? Yeah, yeah, I Sorry Hank.
Uh, we're out for ourselves tonight.
You're gonna have to funnel your own honey.
Okay, Charlie.
I bought you pineapple, ham and cornichons.
Or, as you like to call them, "little pickles.
" Which, coincidentally, was my nickname in junior high.
Charlie, I'm sorry I laughed.
Now can I sign your cast? No.
And I'm gonna need more little pickles, Little Pickles.
I didn't say I liked that nickname.
There are actually a lot of cute guys here at Sweaty Middles.
Shady Meadows.
And that's what I've been trying to tell you.
This is like a college dorm, except everybody's got macular degeneration.
HANK: Hey, girl.
Are you that offensive graffiti somebody painted on the grocery store? 'Cause I can't believe nobody's taken you off the market.
[EXHALES.]
Swing and a miss.
Damn that Joanie.
She's hogging my wing woman.
It's fine.
I don't need her.
Check this out.
Baby doll, are you my 1970 Chevelle that I backed into a tree? 'Cause your trunk is on fire.
Wow, she didn't even slow down.
You know, Charlie, keep in mind, many of these women are lesbians.
Thank you.
Well, Margaret didn't show again.
I ended up having to eat her breakfast.
You didn't have to.
Not only did she ignore us at the luau, she totally stood me up for our RuPaul's Drag Race marathon last night.
I made 100 mini pizzas.
I had to eat them all by myself.
Well, again, you didn't have to.
Well, she stood me up this morning, too.
We were supposed to go golfing this morning.
I get paired with Dudley.
- That man shot a 462.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We only golfed nine holes.
Yeah, Joanie is throwing everything out of whack.
You know, Margaret's the one that always tells me when my fly is open, and look at that wide open.
Not only is Joanie stealing our friend, but with Charlie icing me out, I'm basically down to one: you, Hank.
Would you like to watch RuPaul's Drag Race tonight? No, I don't want to watch RuPaul's Drag Race with you.
That's the last thing I need, is to fall in love with one of them gals.
I am too old to be questioning my sexuality.
That is a Margaret show.
And I'm gonna tell her as soon as she shows up.
You know, I have had it with her.
I'm gonna tell her she needs to get this Joanie up out of here.
Hey, guys! I come bearing great news, and morning hooch.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're gonna have to pull a fifth chair up to this table, because I'm moving in.
[LAUGHS.]
- [MARGARET WHOOPS.]
- Yay.
Woo-hoo.
Yup, my lease was up, my best friend lives here what's not to love? [MARGARET AND JOANIE LAUGHING.]
I'm heading over to the sales office right now.
Yup.
We found out there's a unit available.
Tippy Kominsky's family just pulled the plug.
How great is that? Oh, no, Tippy died? She owed me money.
Margaret, we need to talk.
Now, how do I say this delicately? We don't like this Joanie and we like you less when you around her.
What? Where is this coming from? [SIGHS.]
Margaret, you're blowing off your obligation to us to hang out with this Joanie.
Now, when you sat down at this table and joined this group of friends, you signed a contract.
- I didn't sign anything.
- HANK: Yes, you did.
Your butt cheek was the pen.
That chair was the paper.
When you put butt cheek pen to chair paper, a contract was signed and sealed, and you are forever bound.
Wow, we really need to get you laid.
If it's hard for you to tell her she can't move in, I can do it.
I'll be firm but bitchy.
Why don't you let me be firm but bitchy? Not exactly a stretch.
You guys are freaking out over nothing.
I can be friends with you and with Joanie, too.
We can all get along if you will just give her a chance.
Charlie, your fly is down.
Yeah.
And I had to figure that out on my own.
Well, honey, if you figured it out, then why's it still down? Hank, Joanie's really great, just give her a shot.
Okay? Go talk to her.
You will like her.
We'll make an amendment to your butt cheek contract.
Yeah, I'll talk to her.
But just remember: chair contract, butt cheek pen.
Butt cheek paper doesn't even make sense.
Think, woman.
[LAUGHS.]
- Geez.
- Hey.
Margaret said I should get to know you, so, uh what's your favorite food? That is a really weird way to start a conversation.
But [SIGHS.]
popcorn.
You kidding me? So you on your way to the electric chair and they ask you what your last meal is, you gonna tell them popcorn? All right, I'll tell Margaret I tried.
Oh, Hank.
If you have a problem with me, why don't you just come right out and say it? Oh, I'll do you one better, I'll come right out and say it.
We don't want to have you here.
Really, Hank? You don't think it could be fun to have me? I think maybe it might be fun to have you.
Well, maybe you should take me on a little tour, so I can get a better feel for the place.
Feel? And then after you show me around, maybe I could check out your unit.
Say what now? - You want to see my unit? - Yeah.
Well, this is gonna be a short-ass tour.
Get well soon you fragile bastard.
He's using up all the free space, and everything he's writing is mean.
Love your nemesis Gorgeous George.
Toodle-oo, bird-bones.
Do you think Hank and Joanie are still talking? I promise you guys are gonna love having her around.
Good evening, everyone.
And what a good, good evening it is.
Hoo-ee! Oh, Joanie, you didn't.
I did.
Twice.
Did what? Ooh, yuck.
How did this happen? When did this happen? Above all, why did this happen? Well, Hank headed over to the rec room to give me the business, and I took it.
[LAUGHING.]
: I was giv I was giving her a little tour.
JOANIE [LAUGHING.]
: And then there was - this noisy bird.
- [SNORTING.]
And I said I said, "Shut up, bird!" And that's basically how it happened.
Twice.
Can anyone tell a complete story around here? Okay, well, we'll catch up with you guys later.
We're gonna hit the tennis court.
Oh, Hank, you don't even play tennis.
I do now.
Oh, guys, this is really not good.
I know.
Friends hooking up with friends is terrible for group dynamics.
And I should know, I have seen all 14 seasons of Road Rules, even the almost unwatchable "Semester at Sea.
" Okay, but it's not just that.
Hank is really into her, and Joanie is really into chewing up guys and spitting them out.
I got to talk to her.
Well, keep your guard up.
She banged the last person that tried that.
Afternoon, ladies! Yep, that's right.
Broke my neck.
I tripped over a cat.
All my friends laughed, but I didn't even get mad, 'cause everyone knows that people falling is funny! Anyhoo you want to sign my brace? Give me a break, Sid.
You didn't hurt yourself.
Who's that talking? I can barely turn with this pesky broken neck.
Oh, sweet Charlie, it's you.
You probably want to sign my brace, but the space is reserved for all of my true friends.
Shirley, Betty and this one.
If you're trying to make me jealous, it will not work.
I haven't been jealous since 1980, when my ex-wife slept with the Jackson 4.
Michael wasn't interested.
Oh, Charlie! Enough! I didn't hurt my neck.
What's hurting is my heart.
When you don't let me sign your cast, I feel like I'm not your friend, and I don't like the way that feels.
Well, then you shouldn't have laughed at me for being old.
You know, I can't get around like I used to, but I don't see anything funny about that.
I didn't laugh because you're old.
Age has nothing to do with it.
Just the other day I laughed at this little girl who fell down at the mall.
You promise? [LAUGHING.]
: She fell down the up escalator.
But it brought her right back up.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh oh, yeah.
- I-I get it, I get it.
Here.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't know what to write, there are so many options.
Do you still want me to sign your brace, Sid? No, Shirley.
God! You're friggin' obsessed with me.
Ooh.
Hot damn! Tippy's place is really swanky.
Nothing but the best for my Joanie Macaroni.
Here's a little housewarming gift for you.
- Thank you.
Mm.
- Hey, uh, Hank, do you think I could have a minute alone with Joanie? Yeah.
I'll go look for Tippy, see if she's - moved on to the afterlife.
- Okay.
Sweet spirit! Show thyself! So, uh, you and Hank seem to be having a good time.
How do you feel about him? Oh, he's fine.
He seems to be really into me.
He kind of reminds me of the guy that I used to date in Colorado Springs who had the banjo and No, no, no, no.
We're not turning Hank into one of our stories.
He's my friend, and I don't want to see him get hurt.
We're just having a little fun.
No one's gonna get hurt.
Well, well, well.
Joanie, are you ready to put the "happy" in happy hour? - Uh, George.
- Hmm? I thought we were going to meet downstairs.
So you have a date with George? I thought you said Hank wasn't gonna get hurt.
He's not.
George and I are just gonna head out, and you can tell Hank that I went to see the Grand Canyon.
He's not an idiot.
Bad news Tippy's not ready to leave yet.
I think I've angered her.
What are you doing here? I'm here to pick up Joanie.
I can't believe you're going out with this Vincent Price knockoff.
Joanie why are you holding those weeds? - Here, let me upgrade you, girl.
- I gave them to her.
Well, perhaps you could return them to the grocery store bucket from whence they came.
Well, how about this? Why don't I break your hip bone in two with my bare hands, you brittle bitch? - Try me, Chief.
- All right, that's enough, guys.
I can actually hear George's heart.
and I don't think it's the right number of beats.
George, go downstairs and wait.
Uh, take the elevator.
See you around goober.
Well, shouldn't you get back to tending bar in The Shining? I thought we had something.
I hope Tippy haunts your two-timing ass.
Wow.
What is he so wound up about? Maybe he thought you were into him, and then another guy shows up to take you out? So I can't date two people? Since when have you become so judgy? We used to do that kind of thing to guys all the time.
Yeah, but this guy is my friend.
And so am I, and I have known you longer than Hank.
Boy, Shlubby Melons - has really changed you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: Oh It is Shady Meadows.
You know damn well it isn't Shlubby Melons.
And you know what? I don't think you should move in here.
- What? Why? - Because our whole friendship has been you making a mess and me cleaning it up.
Oh, yeah? Well, here's another mess for you.
Well, I'm not gonna clean it up this time.
Yes, you're gonna clean it up, Margaret.
God knows I don't want to piss off Tippy.
There you are.
I just figured I'd put one more drink on your tab before I hit the highway.
Okay, two drinks.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Hey.
Hey, I'm sor And some fruit.
[MARGARET CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry I got so upset back there.
I guess you're right Shady Meadows has changed me.
We had a lot of fun for a lot of years, but I just find the older I get, the more I want my chaos contained.
It's okay.
I mean, I-I get it.
And I'm sorry that you always felt like you had to clean up my messes.
Probably not a great idea for me to live here.
It's not that I don't love you, Joanie, but I made three really good friends when I moved in here, and I don't want to mess that up.
Yeah, they're goofy.
They're just they're not very bright.
But they're always there for me.
Hey, why don't you buy a place down in Phoenix? I'll come visit you, and I can have sex with all of your friends? Oh, that sounds good.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I'm not kidding.
Will you sign the cast already? Just sign the friggin' cast.
Okay.
But it has to be perfect.
Short, cute, funny.
Like me.
Okay, well, it's sign it now or sign it never.
I'm not gonna have this thing on much longer.
Fine.
Get well soon.
Love, Sid.
Oh, my God.
I'm a hack.
And a heart over the eye.
Really? Why didn't you just write, "You look good plastered"? Damn it! Well, good news: the men of Shady Meadows are safe.
I talked to Joanie.
She's not gonna move in.
I'm really sorry she hurt you, buddy.
Hurt me? Oh, she didn't hurt me.
It's all part of the plan.
Plan? Yeah, that's right.
- The plan to get rid of her.
- Oh.
See, I slept with her, then I acted all clingy to push her away.
But I couldn't tell you guys, 'cause it was on a need-to-know basis.
But the good news is I'm not hurt at all.
Matter of fact, I like coming home to a empty apartment.
Yeah, I do.
Right.
Well gee, Hank, thank you for doing that for us.
I don't know what we would do without you.
I'm a little confused about some of the details.
So, when you acted all into Joanie, that wasn't real? No, that was all part of the plan.
But I heard you crying in your room.
How can that be part of the plan? Well, I knew you were outside listening, so it was all part of the plan.
Then you teamed up with George.
You hate each other.
Plan.
Those crappy flowers? Plan!