The Crazy Ones s01e14 Episode Script

This is not funny.
Someone got you a subscription to Older Bride? I think that qualifies as very funny.
"17 Reasons Not To Give Up the Hunt.
" We all know that my singleness is a choice.
- Oh, you go, sistah.
- So, clearly this was you two? Syd, look, you know if I came up with a prank this brilliant, I would be the first person to take credit for it.
- How is this brilliant? - First of all, it's ridiculous, but with that little kernel of truth that evokes our deepest fears in this case, dying alone and unloved.
But it's also very mean, and whoever did it is bad.
Are we expecting somebody? Simon said something about a royal arrival.
Princess is our most distinguished visitor.
During her visit, I expect nay, I require you to be on your best behavior.
Is that his Dame Judy or Dame Edna? So do not get too close.
Do not make eye contact.
And under no circumstance may you stroke the Princess.
I'd assume that goes for all royalty.
Or anyone, really.
She's here.
Oh.
English cat.
What? If I said it was just a cat, nobody would've showed up.
Come on.
Simon Roberts, you sexy devil.
Judy, get over here.
Give me a hug.
Sydney, this is Judy Mills of Regal Kitty cat food.
Wow, look at this place.
Oh, Princess is going to love it here.
We're getting an office pet? - Just for a few days.
- To help your team get a "feline" for our customer experience.
I see what you did there, it's clever.
We're gonna make her feel right at home.
We put bowls of cat treats all around the office.
Well, I can't wait to hear the pitch - you're cooking up for Wednesday.
- Prepare to be wowed.
Or shall I say.
This guy gets it.
Oh, and I was very excited to hear about your agency's new emphasis on hard numbers and data.
Excuse me? Yeah, I heard you hired a quant.
Ah.
A what? The question is not what is a quant, but rather, who is the quant? And the answer to that is I.
- You what? - Am the quant.
I'm the quant.
You don't know your own quant? Quant's the main reason we're here.
Oh, no, no, he loves the quant and, more importantly, he loves that you love the quant.
Right, Dad? Oh, the heart quants what the heart quants.
Come here, you little quant.
What the hell are you? Colin is our new senior quantitative analyst.
Hence my abbreviated moniker, quant.
Hmm.
You knew we hired him.
Really big argument with Gordon, remember? And then, ultimately, we outvoted you.
Really? I guess I just blocked it out for some reason.
I use deep data combined with proprietary algorithms in order to microtarget customers and increase market share.
I just realized why I blocked it out.
Look, all the big agencies are using these whiz kids.
I mean, Colin is the best at what he does.
He's a genius.
Genius.
I hate it when people throw that word around.
What makes you a genius? Nine different standardized tests and the MacArthur Genius Grant that I was awarded at 16.
It was a rhetorical question, Mr.
Mensa.
Dad, the cat people really want him on the account.
It's one of the only reasons they're even considering us.
You know, give him a chance, you might like him.
Who knows? By next week, you might be asking to join my Quidditch team.
"Like" might be a strong word.
You know, let's aim for "tolerate.
" Yeah.
Hey, Syd, have you seen Princess? I saved some of the cat treats before Andrew could get to them.
You know, he's really developing a taste for these.
Soon as they put her down, she just made herself at home.
You know Princess is a he, right? - How can you tell? - He's got little cat balls.
You can see 'em.
The cat penis you can't see, you know, till it's too late.
That's very educational, Lauren.
You maybe you could take Mr.
Princess somewhere else? How could you resist this little fur-ball? Hi, big guy.
I'm not much of a cat person.
You know, you look into a dog's eyes, and you can see its soul, and you look into a cat's eyes, and you see a soul thants wto kill you in your sleep.
But there would be no cuter way to go.
Do you want to rip my throat out? Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
Oh.
I appreciate it, Lauren.
- Good-bye.
- I'm not even on Regal Kitty.
I've got Maytag this week.
Oh, let him in.
It's cold outside.
You know that's still inside, right? Fine, you can let him in for a bit.
Good boy.
Oh, you good boy.
If I died alone in my house, would you eat my face? Yes, you would.
That's where the tenderest meat is.
I love this direction.
We see the cat owner leaving for work.
- And then we see the cat leaving for work.
- Uh-huh.
He goes to a cat office, just like a human office.
- Except all the cats are wearing little shirts and ties.
- Adorable.
And they don't work.
They just surf the Internet all day.
- Just like humans do.
- They're on Facebook.
- Myspace? - Not anymore.
- Friendster.
- Way gone.
Porn that's still a thing, right? Yeah, yeah.
It's going strong.
- YouTube.
Yes! - Yeah.
Instead of watching cat videos, the cats are watching human videos.
Right, so he's got his arms all straight out playing a keyboard.
We got a guy doing that, just like the cat, right? We see a lady peeking out from a grocery bag.
Regal Kitty: Your cat is basically a person.
Feed them like one.
I have the best team of creatives in the country.
- That's a fantastic idea.
- The data shows otherwise.
Do you think this will turn him off? Yeah, try TV/Video or something.
- Yeah, maybe that will work.
- With all due respect, there's no guarantee that humor can sell cat food.
No, there isn't.
Because advertising is an art, not a science.
It was an art.
But quants like me are turning it into a science.
Take a look at these graphs.
That research clearly states that we should focus on the easy-open can.
So the commercial should be two people standing around talking about an easy-open can? That was good.
Did you get that down? No, don't get that down; it wasn't good.
It's annoying and obvious.
There's enough visual pollution in the world.
There's a billboard on Belmont Avenue I did for the Adler Planetarium.
The one with the silhouettes of the kids' faces? Yeah, where real stars shine through at night.
It's a classic.
"Get a Head Full of Stars.
" I never would've found it if I had listened to the research.
They wanted me to focus on the reclining seats.
On our best days, I want to inspire.
I want to be able to walk down the street, look up at my billboard and be proud to say, "Simon Roberts Was Here.
" Look, Simon, you're the boss, and if you choose to neglect my data, well, that's your decision.
No, it's obvious that you disagree.
So speak freely as if you're in a chat room full of antisocial virgins.
Fine, your creative ads may start conversations, but I contend my computer generated ads are more persuasive any day.
Oh, really? But like I said, we'll do it your way.
No, no, no, please.
I don't want to win by pulling rank.
I'm want to win by being better than you, then shoving that fact in your face.
How about a bet? - What's the wager? - $50,000.
Let's let the people making the bet decide the stakes.
- Sorry.
- The winner gets to pitch his ad to Regal Kitty cat foods.
Competition will be a print ad for - ice.
- Who's gonna judge? I'm fine with Zach, Andrew and Sydney.
That's unfair, I know everything about them.
Hell, Sydney's like a daughter to me.
That's how confident I am.
Uh, are you wearing a fanny pack? Furthermore, does it say Older Bride magazine on it? Huh, yeah, came with the subscription.
It's actually very functional.
I'm keeping cat treats in it, so thank you to whoever signed me up for that.
You are not going to trick us into admitting it was us.
I know it was you.
Do you have any of the peanut butter mice-shaped ones? Oh, my God.
What? I read the box.
It says human grade, you elitist.
All right, everybody.
Let the judging begin.
Whoa, they're both good.
Really good.
They both make me want ice.
But one ad is more persuasive.
- Clearly.
Right.
- Yeah.
And, uh, which one is that? The better ad is Simon's ad.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm, which is "Savor the Moment.
" That's the best one.
So obviously his work.
- Opposite day! - Lies! - Through my teeth! - "Nice" is nicer! - What we like - I like that one.
- Is the "Nice.
" - I like that one.
Too late.
In your face, humans.
Yes.
Congratulations, Colin.
Okay, fine.
I'll go to freaking Lake Tahoe for her stupid wedding, but then she expects me to dress up in this purple Grape Ape dress to be one of her six bridesmaids.
Six bridesmaids? How do you have six friends? I only have two, and only like one of them.
She said to the cat like he's a person.
Okay, Sydney, you're going to be late to the Maytag meeting.
Oh, I forgot my Maytag file.
Did you just remind me? Oh, and my lip gloss.
Less is more.
Got it.
Cat.
I feel awful.
I just hope Simon's not taking his loss too hard.
Hey, Number Three, Number 14.
I've given everyone numbers so I can quantify their values.
I'm One, Sydney's Two, Zach's Three.
- And I'm 14.
- Don't read into it.
Hey, Six.
I get that.
Water's the most important meal of the day.
- Simon, you okay? - Never been better.
I'm embracing this brave new world.
Hey, uh, Simon, your lightbulb's been replaced with a math-type thingy.
Math-type thingies are the wave of the future.
- Creativity is on its way out.
Follow me.
- Huh.
I'm not sure I like Numbers Simon.
Ah, shut it, Number Three.
It's beautiful, isn't it? - Rockwellesque.
- Mmm, yeah.
You know, I'm getting a subtle denial vibe from that general direction.
I am not in denial.
And I'm not upset.
You don't see me playing my sad bagpipes, do you? What Dad, I just got a memo.
Did you promote the copier machine - to Head of Communications? - Yes.
It's very efficient, doesn't take breaks, and doesn't complain when I sit on it with no pants.
In my defense, - you're heavier than you look.
- Really? Dad, I think you're taking this a little far, okay? I just wanted you to be open to what Colin had to say.
I don't want you to stop being you.
Colin's ad was clearly better.
You guys chose it yourselves.
Look, the kid got lucky.
No, he got quant-y.
He targeted each of you with specific triggers.
But I used his own technology against him.
I downloaded this print out from his computer.
Actually, Dale in IT pressed the buttons so there's plausible deniability.
What I'm saying is the quant created a profile for each of you based on your personal Web histories.
E even sites that we visited in "private browsing" mode? Yes, Mr.
"I visited the Goop Web site" eight times in one day.
" Isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle blog? I I find it useful to know what women are thinking, to get inside their minds.
Also, her avocado hair mask recipe is out of this world.
Hold on.
You're saying that he used this information to trick us into picking his ad? How? Let me show you.
Notice the melting ice sculpture.
So what? It's just a swan.
But if I do this The Millennium Falcon.
It's a trap.
Yesterday you posted a file on the Star Wars fan fic Web site entitled "The Continuing Adventures of Andrew Skywalker".
A lesser-known but pivotal character in the Star Wars pantheon.
And, Zach, you Googled yourself What do you notice about this couple? They both kind of look like me.
Bingo.
I I knew that there was a reason I liked them.
And, Sydney notice the woman is wearing a wedding ring on her left hand? That's because on the night of the 17th, you went online and subscribed to Older Bride magazine.
The the night of the 17th was the night that we all stayed late for Stacy's bachelorette.
I I got drunk and I called her a lucky bitch and then I just shortened it to bitch.
And then you ordered the magazine you accused us of ordering for you.
Well, I was drunk! I don't remember! How's it feel to be cleared of all charges, Butch? I gotta tell you, Sundance, it feels pretty darn good.
- What else does this thing say? - No, no! Just a lot of boring stuff No, I want to see, I want to know - what Colin had to say.
- No, you don't.
"Short term analysis: female customer is likely to own a cat".
Well, I guess I've taken a liking to Mr.
Princess.
- Sydney, you don't want to - No, I want - to read this.
- Okeydokey.
"Long term analysis: female customer's devotion to career will likely keep her from having offspring or forming lasting romantic partnerships.
She will likely remain single until death"? Don't blame me.
Blame the data.
These are just statistics based upon your behaviors.
But this doesn't have to be your future.
You can affect change.
- How? - First of all, I'd consider giving up this whole cat ownership idea.
I don't own a cat.
What makes you think that? The fanny pack full of cat treats and the feather tied to a tiny fishing pole sticking out of your back pocket.
I may have been considering it.
What you're about to see is 100% computer generated.
Oh, I love computers.
Now show me the future of advertising! Regal Kitty has an easy-open can The can that's easy to open Easy-open can The can that's easy to open Easy-open can You can open it easily.
Wow.
What do you say to that, huh? What do you say? Tell him how you really feel, Simon.
Come back from the dark side, old Skywalker.
What I just saw is not leaving this brain anytime soon, that's for damn sure.
Thank you.
No, no, no! Thank you! That piece of work is going to be so effective at selling a lot of cat food.
Hell of a job, Quanty! Mission accomplished.
George W.
Bush! Oh, whoa! Wait for it Wait for it.
And there it is.
You see? She's dating that cat.
You got me.
Thank you, boys.
I did that.
You did that? Yes, I did.
You're Simon Roberts? I'm Simon Roberts.
Simon Roberts, you're under arrest.
Oh, you're a cop.
Yeah.
- And you're a graffiti artist.
- Yeah.
Hey, you.
I didn't order coffee.
I just wanted to brighten up your morning.
I know it might be a tough one with it being Mr.
Princess' last day and all.
I like the cat, but it's just a cat.
I'll be okay.
Oh, no, sure.
I know.
It's just I'm friends with the security guard and he e-mailed me the footage from your date last night.
At first I thought it was funny, which is why I cut in some Barry White and sent it around the office.
Excuse me? But I just watched it again with the guys in accounting.
It's actually really touching.
So I'm here if you need to talk about anything.
Lauren, you're being absolutely ridiculous.
Hey, you.
Brought you something.
Oh, my God, you people! Easy-open can You can open it easily.
Ooh, it's so, uh, ooh on the nose.
Thank you.
All right.
Where is Simon? He couldn't be here.
Something very important came up.
I was in jail! I was busted for graffiti.
I swear I was innocent.
- We are so sorry.
- Sorry Don't be.
It was a beautiful gesture.
- Learn your parts, okay? - Okay.
Anastasia! Yes, honey.
This is my cell mate, Anastasia.
We share a probation officer and a love of high heels.
She's a gifted graphic artist.
I have degrees from two different art schools.
And only one felony conviction.
Simon, where is this going? Last night, when I was in jail, Anastasia showed me a lot of things.
- Like? - Like how easy it is to forge a check.
Also, when you combine two things that don't go together like boobs and a bulge, or creativity and research you get something special.
Hit it.
Regal Kitty cat food has an easy-open can.
You can open them.
Can.
The other brand's? Not so easy to open.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Can.
Can't.
Re-gal Ki-tty Has an easy-open can Re-gal Ki-tty Easy-open can Can, can, can, can, can, can Cut to a chorus line of cats doing the cancan! Quanty, get in there.
You're part of the team, buddy.
The Dancing Cats, mes amis ! - I love it.
- Aren't they amazing, people? Fabuleux, eh? I love it! I "can-can't" wait to see the finished commercial.
Judy.
There you go.
You fell in love with this little guy, didn't you? Love's kind of strong.
I mean, he's okay.
Hey, there's no shame in admitting how you "feline".
- Yeah.
- Ooh! Got it in twice.
Boom.
Good-bye, you.
You wanted to keep him.
You know it.
But you also saw the data.
Owning a cat was my first step toward dying alone and unloved.
Some things in life aren't quantifiable.
The future is one of them.
You really think I'll beat the odds? Yeah, if you follow your heart.
Now go get your fur-ball.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Go.
Excuse me This is your new hallway.
And this is your new forever home.
Who knows, might just be mine, too.
Just the two of us.
Oh, hey.
I'm, uh, your new neighbor.
Hi.
I'm Sydney.
I work in advertising.
I work a lot, and I own a cat.
I'm Dylan.
I'm a vet.
Oh, thank you for your service.
No, I'm a veterinarian.
God, that keeps happening.
I gotta start saying the whole word.
Well, in that case, this is, um, Mr.
Princess.
Hello, big guy.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Okay, let's do this.
All right.
Jimmy has to button up his shirt, 'cause he unbuttoned it.
"Oh, let me just take all this off.
" "Hold on, let me get out off these these damn pants.
" I seem to need this underwear to be gone to get myself room to pee.
Yeah, that was good.
Ice Ice Ice Ice Ice is here to stay, yay, yay! Don't know it, so be bold! Come on now, work away from the cold! That was good.