The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e14 Episode Script

Can I have another round,
please?
You got it. Oh, hey,
are you guys driving tonight?
Don't worry about us.
We're taking the bus.
We're totally against
drinking and driving.
That may not be cool,
but that's what we believe in.
Actually, I'm just looking
for a ride home.
Hey, are you guys driving
tonight?
You know, tonight is the night.
I'm gonna ask her out.
Hey, I was gonna ask her out.
Oh, man, I'm so tired
of you guys talking about it
then chickening out.
By the time
you two get around to it
she's gonna be a gray-haired
chain-smoking,
alcoholic barmaid.
Hey, by then, maybe
I'll wanna go out with her.
Ah, what the heck. I got
nothing to lose. Uh, excuse me.
I'll have the beers
in just a second.
No, please.
Look, uh..
Oswald and I here,
both wanna ask you out
but, you know, we're buddies
and it's kind of awkward, so..
We're leaving that up to you.
Well, I-I don't know, I mean..
If I were gonna go for looks
or someone more my type
I'd go for Oswald.
Yes!
But if I was gonna go
for someone more stable who tips
I'd go for Drew.
I knew a twelve and half percent
gratuity wouldn't go unnoticed.
So I guess the only thing to do
is go out with both of you once
get to know you,
see who I like better.
Wait a minute.
You want us to compete
against each other?
Me and my best friend
in the whole world, Oswald?
What, are you gonna compare us
like two pieces of meat?
Well, homie
don't play that game.
Yeah. No woman, I don't care
how good looking you are
is gonna drive a wedge between
me and my best pal here.
Homo don't play that game,
either.
- Homie.
- Homie.
I thought that didn't
sound right.
- Well, forget it. You asked me.
- Can you believe that?
- The nerve.
- Yeah.
Trying to pit us against
each other.
Wait a second.
Did she say she'd
actually go out with us?
Oh, my God!
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Oh, Drew. Drew.
You won't believe this.
Remember that kid
we went to school with?
- Bubble Butt Wilson?
- Ah-huh.
He just sold his microchip
company for $17.5 million.
Tsk, yeah, but he's gotta pay
like, nine million dollars
in taxes on that.
- That's not very smart.
- Yeah.
Hey, look,
I found a nickel!
Uncle Sam doesn't
have to know about this.
[telephone ringing]
- Yes, Mr. Bell!
- 'Carey, is my nephew there?'
I'm not sure.
What's he wearin'?
(Mr. Bell)
'Well, he should be there soon.
His name is Blaine Bell.'
'He just got a business degree
from Kent State.'
Oh, business skills
must run in the family, sir.
(Mr. Bell)
'Ah-huh, the jury's
still out on Blaine.'
'The boy's been kind of
a problem'
'for the family
and I need your help.'
Well, I was kind of hoping
to raise my own kids first.
(Mr. Bell)
'No, not that.
I wanna give him your job.'
Oh, I see. In that case, there's
a few things I've been meanin--
(Bell)
'And, I'm giving you
a promotion.'
For a middle-aged man,
you look good in jeans.
(Mr. Bell)
'Well, Carey, this kid needs
a good kick in the pants.'
'This isn't a freebie. He's
gotta be able to do the job.'
'Not like my Grandma Lily
in the boiler room.'
'I want you to teach him
everything you know.'
'Don't let me down.'
'You want me to be happy,
don't you, Carey?'
Not just happy, sir,
but hap-hap-happy.
Wow! I'm gonna get a promotion
in less years
than it took me to
finish college.
Seven must be my lucky number.
Hi, uh, I'm Blaine Bell,
the, uh, boss' nephew.
But I want you
to treat me the same way
that you would treat
any other boss' nephew.
Hi. Uh, I'm Kate O'Brien,
cosmetics.
- And you're what, 20?
- 21.
- Why?
- Oh, just doing the math.
Hi. Hi, Blaine. Drew Carey.
Your uncle's told me
great things about you.
- Yeah, right.
- No, really.
He thinks you have
a lot of potential otherwise
he wouldn't have threatened me.
Look, I'm sorry, I-I really
appreciate what you're supposed
to do for me but, uh, isn't
there like a pamphlet I can read
or a video I can watch?
Blaine, you can't learn this job
by watching a video.
Look, my uncle told me that
all I have to do
was come in,
hang around for a few hours
smile for the execs, flash my
business degree, and I'm in.
Well, I don't know
what he told you
but he told me to get you into
shape because you are gonna be
the new assistant director
of personnel.
Wow, assistant director of
personnel right out of college?
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool!
How long did it take you?
Anyway, kid, it's not gonna be
easy. You're gonna have to use
everything you learned
in business school.
Well, the only thing I learned
in business school
was how to cheat at golf,
but, uh..
Oh, and how to suck up.
Ask me how you look today.
[telephone ringing]
Okay, how do I look today?
It's like standing
too close to the sun, sir.
Wow!
A Bell that sucks up to me.
I know it's phony,
but, you know, it feels so good.
Well, speaking of feeling good,
how are we gonna get
anything done with this
distraction in the office?
[chuckles]
Oh, my.
[laughs]
Well, um, I better
get back to my counter
by the, uh, escalator.
Oh, um, see ya.
She's cute.
Is she seeing anyone?
Lesson number one.
If you expect to join management
you can't be dating
any employees.
I've dipped my donut
in the company coffee
and, believe me, it hurt.
Here's your tea, Master Blaine.
Thank you, Mimi.
Hey, listen, can you get my car
washed, uh, this morning?
Oh, of course, I'll do it
myself if you want.
I do want.
Demon spawn.
You know, I don't know why
Uncle Gerald puts up with her.
She's rude and angry and that
makeup, or whatever
it is it's quite distracting.
You know, it used to bother me,
but now I have this fantasy
that her real face
is rotting underneath it.
You're right, that helps.
Ugh! This, this tastes
like there's spit in it.
Just spit?
Oh, she must like ya.
[instrumental music]
Uh, Blaine, in the future
as a courtesy to our customers
please don't press every button
when you get off the elevator.
Sorry, force of habit.
Look, you gotta quit pulling
stunts like this.
If you wanna be an effective
assistant director of personnel
you have to have the respect
of your co-workers.
Look alive there!
- Stuff it.
- You're fired.
- You're funny-looking.
- I'm a mirror.
- You're stupid, too.
- Still a mirror.
Pinhead.
[both chuckling]
[Lisa laughing]
She called me pinhead.
Never called me pinhead before.
So, is this gonna be
one of those days
that goes till, like, five?
Yeah, and hold on to your shorts
'cause there's gonna be,
like, five in a row.
So let's go over those
healthcare forms.
I can't. I-I have a treatment
for my tennis elbow.
Look, I got a note
from my aromatherapist.
Oh, man. Man, you need
to do the healthcare forms.
We got people waiting
for their benefits, you know.
People with kids, kids with
important medical problems.
Okay, I'll do it. But, you know
no one ever went to their grave
saying, I wish I would've
spent a little more time
at work.
No, they went to their graves
saying, "Gee, I wish
somebody would have sent me
my healthcare forms."
Alright, I'll do it, Drew.
But if my serve's off
it's you fault,
your double fault.
[both chuckle]
[slaps]
- Hi, Kate.
- Hey, Drew.
- Man, it's killing me.
- What's wrong?
Can you imagine him as the
assistant director of personnel?
People will be coming in from 9
to noon taking cappuccino breaks
every hour,
playing tennis on the roof.
You think he'd let us pay
for things with bananas?
Laugh all you want, Kate,
but the work ethic is
just about gone in this country.
No, it is not!
It lives right here
in the body of Kate O'Brien.
I just sold something
that's never been sold before.
Do you know that giant
Meppel bottle
filled with colored water?
- Ah-huh.
- I got a $150 for it.
- Colored water, huh?
- Yeah.
You know, uh, I always wondered
what was in those bottles
'cause it always struck me odd
that they would retail
for, like, $2000!
No. No perfume. Colored water.
- Yes! Yes!
- No!
You can't just go
selling something
'cause it's not bolted down.
You could lose your job
over this.
- No! What am I gonna do?
- What happened?
Look, uh, this isn't
for anyone's ears
but Kate accidentally sold
the giant bottle of perfume
for way less
than what it was worth.
So we are gonna cover for her,
and she's gonna pay back
a little to the register
every week.
Oh, crap!
I gave her a tote bag, too!
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'So, Chuck, you seem to be
qualified for the promotion.'
And, well, we,
uh, do have an opening.
Unfortunately, one of our best
guards let somebody walk off
with one of those 25-pound
bottles of, uh, perfume.
I thought those were just
colored water.
Yeah, well, anyway,
we had to transfer him.
Hm. Any, uh,
leads on the perp?
Look, you got good instincts.
You got the job.
Hey, great!
Hey, you won't regret this.
And I'll find that perfume
for you.
Yeah, well, our only clue
is he was a one-arm man.
See you on Monday, buddy.
- Oh, Drew.
- Oh, Mimi.
I thought I felt death nearby.
Real nice, Drew.
My mother just died.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Just kidding. I wish.
[laughs]
SoI hear
something got stolen
from your special,
little friend's department.
Yeah, someone took one of those
giant perfume bottles.
[sniffs]
Scope or Wild Turkey?
Either way it wasn't you.
At least I don't sell $2000
worth of perfume for a $150.
What? Who told you that?
I overheard Blaine telling Bell
on a phone conversation
all about it.
He wouldn't stab me in the back.
It would aggravate
his tennis elbow.
Oh, yeah? He said, "Fire Drew.
He's protecting a thief."
Oh, man!
- Did he say anything else?
- Yeah.
He said, "While you're cleaning
house, fire that hot blonde
that sits outside your office."
That may not be an exact quote.
I can't believe this.
Bell asked me to do him a favor,
I do it, and now I'm screwed!
You? I gave his dog
a birthday party for nothing.
Listen, Luthor.
You're an evil criminal genius
and I'm a superhero from
Krypton, but just this once
we have to work together
for a greater cause.
I don't know.
Mimi, next time you gas my car
can you kindly return the seat
to the original position?
Thanks, babe.
You know,
separately we're nothing
but together,
we're 800 pounds of trouble.
Alright. I'm in for a 120.
[instrumental music]
Oh, soup for one.
[knocking on door]
Coming!
Mimi?
- May I come in?
- What's going on?
I thought we were gonna talk
about this Blaine thing
tomorrow morning over coffee.
I couldn't wait.
Do you know what the little snot
did to me tonight?
He had me wait
for three hours in line
to buy him tickets
to the Gangster Rapathon.
So I take it
you're not down with OPP.
Here, let me take your coat.
Just keep your hands off, piggy!
I don't go to men's house
alone as a rule.
So don't try any of cutesy stuff
like turning the lights out
or anything.
Mimi,
I won't turn the lights out
if we were in London
during The Blitz.
[knocking on door]
Hey, Drew..
and Mimi.
Oh. We came by to see if you
wanted to go out drinking
but obviously,
you both have already been.
Knock it off.
You know, now that I see you two
out of the office
it seems so right.
- Hm.
- Can it, you two.
- I'm here on business.
- Yeah.
We're trying to come up
with a plan
to get rid of Mr. Bell's nephew.
Why would you try to get rid
of Blaine? He's so cute.
He's trying to get me fired
because he thinks
that's the only way
he can get my job!
That's ridiculous!
He's so cute.
I heard him on the phone
telling Bell
about how you cost
the company $2000
and then lied
to cover your butt.
That cute bastard!
We'll be at the Warsaw.
Where are all the honest,
attractive people?
- I feel so all alone!
- How do you think that I feel?
Honest, attractive and clean.
So, uh, you want anything to eat
before we get started?
- What do you got?
- Well, let's see.
I got beer, beer mustard,
beer bread
beer nuts,
beer breaded shrimp.
And Ben & Jerry's
Chunky Monkey.
Chunky Monkey's my favorite.
You know, there's really
no monkeys in here.
Damn, animal rights activist.
You know,
your house is pretty neat.
- I mean, for a bachelor.
- Yeah, I like it this way.
It's one of the best things
about living alone.
That and you know all that stuff
that gets caught in the drain?
- Cheers.
- Hm. Yeah.
I like being single.
I mean, I could go out
with all kind of guys
but I enjoy my privacy.
I'm sure they
appreciate it, too.
Ah, you know..
until we find a plan
for getting rid of Blaine
we're gonna have to get together
every single night.
Oh, God, we better get to work.
Okay, I got a plan.
What if we put
a trace amount of poison
in his coffee everyday
till it builds up
and finally kills him?
- Does that work?
- I don't know.
Ask me in two months.
[laughs]
You know, uh,
you oughta smile more.
It really makes a difference.
- Really, you think so?
- Yeah.
And, you know, uh,
I'm no expert
but I think a lot of guys prefer
more of a, you know
little more
of a natural look.
I think it's okay
to help nature a little.
I mean, it's a lot of work,
but I care about my appearance.
I think of makeup as my palate
and my face as my canvas.
You know, it's a good thing
we're friends right now.
Now, all we gotta do..
is get Blaine
to do something wrong.
Alright, I got one last plan.
It still involves murder,
not his.
First,
we need a dead hooker.
Oh, uh, why don't you
take this interview, Blaine?
It'll be a good practice
for when you get the job.
Oh, alright.
- Yeah.
- Ooh!
Uh, how long did you work at
Sears, Mr. Vermicelli?
Uh, Vermicelli.
I'm sorry, Vermicelli.
What was the question?
- How long you been in sales?
- Chales.
Would you, please,
just answer the question, sir?
- Seven years.
- Uh, look, Blaine.
It looks like
you got this under control.
- You want some coffee?
- Yeah, sure.
Look, uh,
while your boss isn't here
I, I need this job real bad.
Well, uh,
I got a couple of felonies
I need you to overlook.
Need any references,
I'm sure Mr. Franklin
can vouch for me.
You know, I'm gonna take that
just as soon
as that security camera
swings back this way.
I, I gotta go..
back to, uh, Chitaly.
- Hey, Blaine.
- Hey, Kate.
- Where's Drew?
- He went to get coffee.
Look, let's cut to the chase.
You, me, Xerox room.
I'm gonna rock your world.
- Okay.
- Really?
Okay, alright.
You go first to get ready.
You know what, I think
we need a code word, though.
So that I'll know
it's you at the door.
Yeah, how about,
"Are you naked?"
'Cause I have a camera,
and Drew wants to get me fired.
[laughs]
- Oh.
- Drew, Mimi!
You guys don't deserve your jobs
if this is the best you can do.
Hey, man. Hey.
You wanna buy some drugs?
He knows, Oswald.
In that case,
is anybody constipated?
Look, I'm sorry I snitched, man.
Sorry? This could have
cost me my job!
Well, you-you said
you might not hire me
and I wasn't gonna waste
all this time learning your job
when I already know
my uncle's phone number.
Oh, yeah? Two people
know that phone number.
Oh, what are you gonna tell him,
that he should side with you
and not his own flesh and blood?
No, I'm gonna tell him a tale
of treachery and deceit.
- 'Jerry Bell!'
- It won't work, Drew.
Oh, yeah? Mr. Bell.
Uh, a certain
Suzie in sportswear
said she left her retainer
in your car
and then I said,
"Are you sure you want me
to fire your nephew Blaine?"
(Bell)
'Uh, ha-ha,
you heard me right, Carey.'
'Get rid of him.'
Well..
They never taught that
in business school.
Well, actually,
maybe they did.
I missed a couple of
classes a day.
Hey, listen, no hard feelings.
Uh, why don't I buy you a drink?
Maybe later,
I gotta be here a while.
I gotta process
your termination forms.
Uh, I'll see you later.
Well, Drew, we did it.
[chuckles softly]
I think I feel
a little closer to you now.
Yeah, me, too.
Maybe this should be
a good time to tell you
that I still want
that job in cosmetics.
Yeah, and I'd like to model
Guess jeans, but guess what?
Listen, jerk,
I'll have you know
I get compliments on my makeup.
Yeah, I love your makeup.
It goes perfectly
with the back end of my
mandrill.
Don't be surprised if you find
a dead hooker in your bed.
You're not sleeping over, Mimi.
[elevator bell dings]
- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, Drew.
You know, it's closing time.
I know.
I guess you and I are the, uh
last two left
in the store now, huh?
I guess so.
[Drew sighs]
So you, uh,
gonna chicken out?
No. Are you?
Does this look like
I'm chickening out?
Oh, does this look like
I'm chickening out?
You break it,
you buy it.
Hey, you two,
you better get out of here
or you're gonna get stuck
in the store all night.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, gee.
We didn't realize that.
Yeah, don't worry,
I'll stick with Lisa
make sure she gets out okay,
but thanks a lot, Chuck.
- You're doing a great job.
- Alright.
But remember you do not wanna
get stuck in here
with Satan and his friends.
Oh. What's that?
As soon as we turn on
the security alarm
we release a pack of vicious
dogs to patrol the store.
[all laughing]
Well, okay,
we'll watch out for the dogs.
[elevator bell dings]
I like Chuck, you know.
Most guys are like a frustrated
"Dirty Harry,"
he's more like, you know..
Marty Miller.
So mattresses,
or Belton purses?
Hm..
How about the big table
in the boardroom?
Oh. Surrounded by portraits
of old men? Let's do it.
[elevator bell dings]
Your chariot has arrived.
[growling]
Oh, we'll take the next one.
[both screaming]
[production theme]