The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e14 Episode Script
Happy Cecil
1 ADULT TIMMY: My dad didn't drink, didn't bowl, and didn't really enjoy other people, which put a damper on his social life.
If he hung out with anyone - [Doorbell rings.]
- it was our pastor, Father Dunne.
What are you doing here? I've been answering the door at the rectory for weeks.
Didn't you notice I haven't been at dinner? I'm pretty focused on my plate.
Is Father Dunne ready? - We're going to the Dodger game.
- I don't know where he is.
I cannot pin down that fluttery butterfly.
FATHER ABDI: [Somalian accent.]
Frank, is that your father? Tell Father Abdi I had to run.
Father Abdi, get down here, my dad has to run! It's not that my dad disliked Father Abdi.
But he wasn't super comfortable around people who were different in terms of class or religion Hello, Mr.
Mike Cleary.
or other things.
[Chuckles.]
Father Abdi had come to us as a missionary from Africa.
His primary mission, as my mom saw it, was testing her faith.
FATHER ABDI: Oh, hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
Whenever I see your lovely family, it truly brightens my heart.
[Flatly.]
Did not catch a word.
Mrs.
Peggy Cleary! You must try a Shushumow it is like a doughnut, but from Somalia.
It can't possibly be fresh after making that trip.
[Mouthful.]
These little African churros are outstanding.
You gotta get in here, Peg.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
FATHER ABDI: Tell me, - what is troubling you, my daughter? - [Sighs.]
You know what, no sins this week.
See you next time.
Father Abdi had survived brutal African warlords.
He felt pretty good about his chances with Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
While my dad was looking for Father Dunne, he was looking for my dad.
- With a mix-up like this in 1972 - [Doorbell rings.]
there was no calling or texting to straighten things out.
You gave up and went to bed.
It was great.
PEGGY: Oh, hello, Father.
You know, uh, Mike's not here.
- We were supposed to go to the game.
- Oh.
Any idea when he'll be back? No.
No way to find out.
Not like he's a spaceman with a telephone in his pocket.
"Hello, this is Mike.
I'm on a phone just walking around outside.
" [Both laugh.]
Frank's at the rectory.
You could take him.
Um Lawrence, would you like to go? I will grab my jacket.
Nothing against Frank.
[Sighs.]
But I see an awful lot of that boy these days.
- I get it.
Frank's a small-dose person.
- Ah.
Might end up being one of my "holidays-only" sons.
When my brother Eddie had his garbage-man job, he invented a fun game called "Hey, look what someone threw out.
" Hey, look what someone threw out! TIMMY: A ping-pong table! We can have a lot of fun with that! Yeah, we could set it on fire or roll it into traffic.
Or you could play ping-pong.
Well, sure.
First.
Well, we agreed to meet at the rectory.
Father Dunne screwed up.
He's a priest, Mike.
He's infallible.
Well, if that was the case, I'd have seen a ballgame last night.
Were you sad you missed hanging out with your friend Father Dunne? He's not my friend, he's my priest.
Why can't he be your friend and your priest? I mean, I'm your friend and your son.
You're on thin ice in both those categories, pal.
"Pal.
" How was the game last night? Fun.
I, uh, almost caught a foul ball.
If I was there, I would've caught it.
You owe me one ball.
Something else.
Uh, Father Dunne confided in me that he has a girlfriend.
What? Father Dunne probably said something about his love for the Blessed Mother, and you turned it all smutty in your head.
What did he say exactly that made you think he has a girlfriend? He said, "I have a girlfriend.
" Apparently they've been dating for a while, and he's starting to rethink his life choices.
I think he's entitled to do what makes him happy.
Happy.
Let's all slide down a rainbow into a big bowl of pudding.
This only happened 'cause you took my ticket.
You owe me one ball and one priest.
Do not say a word to anybody else.
I'm gonna go make sure a civic leader doesn't throw his career away.
[Door opens.]
Are Mom's pantyhose strong enough for a net? They're not Mom's.
I took these from Old Lady Strausser's clothesline.
If they can hold all that together, I'm pretty sure they can handle a ping-pong ball.
Hm.
I hate to do this.
Lord Sockington was my first ventriloquism puppet.
Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
"No, not my eyes!" [Rip.]
Eh.
Where's Father Dunne? This time, I actually do know, but I signed an oath of confidentiality.
Not from the Church, just something I drafted myself.
Come on in, Mike! I believe Father Dunne may now be available.
A Mr.
Cleary here to see you, Father.
[Door closes.]
Lawrence told me a crazy story about you having a girlfriend.
It's true.
Pardon my language, Father, but what the heck are you doing? For the last few months, I've been helping Loretta Buzek deal with the illness and the passing of her husband, Earl.
Loretta Buzek? And in that time, I've experienced feelings.
Priest-parishioner feelings? Man-woman feelings.
Specifically man-Buzek feelings.
Have you acted on them? No, of course not.
But Loretta has made it clear it's mine for the taking.
Don't.
Don't take anything.
And I'm gonna give you the same good advice that you have given me a hundred times consider how this affects the people you care about most and you will always make the right choice.
- [Ping-pong ball clatters.]
- Ah, rats! Rats, rats, rats! [Paddle shatters.]
This stupid paddle's defective.
Oh, let me see yours for a sec.
Okay.
Yeah, no, this one's mine now.
It's time to get ready for Mass.
Hey! Those are Mrs.
Strausser's pantyhose.
They're prescription.
And she's down to her last pair.
Why do you know that? FATHER DUNNE: The Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
ALL: Amen.
FATHER DUNNE: Just a few announcements.
I have been wrestling with a decision regarding my future here at Holy Redeemer.
Fortunately, I received some wonderful advice from my good friend, Mike Cleary.
[Quietly.]
"Friend.
" Mike said to consider how my decision affects those people I care about most.
With that in mind, I decided I'm leaving Holy Redeemer immediately - [Gasping, murmuring.]
- to date Loretta Buzek.
From here on, you'll be in the capable hands of our associate pastor, Bootaan Abdi.
Father Abdi.
Look at me, look at me.
[Murmuring stops.]
I am the pastor now.
Over the next few weeks, my folks did their best to adjust to our new pastor.
I don't like him at all.
In a way, I blame myself.
Everybody blames you.
Father Dunne blamed you from the altar.
So Father Dunne has a fling with Loretta Buzek.
I'd rather deal with that than "Father Talks-Funny" who probably has 12 wives back in Africa.
[Knife thuds.]
LAWRENCE: I can't help but notice just a whiff of racial prejudice in the way you discuss Father Abdi.
I am not prejudiced.
I just don't like that he's from a weird place and doesn't look like us.
And that accent.
Might as well go back to Mass in Latin if it's all just gonna be gibberish.
I could translate.
You don't speak Latin.
I speak gibberish.
[Speaking gibberish.]
You know, there's actually a fair amount of scholarship that suggests that Jesus was black.
- Scholarship? - Mm-hmm.
Nobody got a scholarship for saying that.
I mean, look at him.
Does he look like an Afro-American? You know that's not a photo, right? So now you know more than the gift shop - at the San Fernando Mission? - [Can clangs.]
EDDIE: I saw Father Dunne on my route yesterday.
He's living in the apartment building next door.
- Father Dunne? - Seriously? He's moved in with Mrs.
Buzek.
That woman.
All through her husband's emphysema, I saw her sizing up replacements.
She wore Shalimar to Earl's wake.
I thought you'd be happy to have Father Dunne for a neighbor.
He's not Father Dunne anymore.
He's a randy old goat named "Cecil.
" What are you gonna say when you see him? I'm gonna treat him like any other neighbor with a curt gruffness that allows no follow-up questions.
Living in sin right next door.
I hope they close the drapes.
[Quietly.]
Our kids pick up more than you think.
I know what you guys are talking about, and I totally agree.
We should start a farm! - [Knock on door.]
- FRANK: Excuse me, Father.
- FATHER ABDI: Oh, Frank.
- Now that you're in charge, I'm hoping you'll do something about the silver and gold on the altar.
It's Well, it's embarrassing.
I see your point, Frank.
It is unseemly to display ostentatious wealth.
I just meant it should be shinier.
Okay, if you'd like to polish it I also think we need to get tougher in the confessional maybe assign a few push-ups to go along with the Hail Marys.
If you want to establish order around here, you're gonna have to start sending a lot more people to Hell.
You've given this some thought.
It's what I think about most of the time.
I'm getting a sense you would like more responsibility, Frank.
So I've decided to trust you with these.
[Bell rings.]
The keys to the kingdom? The rectory, the sacristy.
And this one turns on the sprinklers.
Thank you for this honor, sir.
You don't have to salute.
Actually, I do.
I added it to the confidentiality agreement that I drafted.
Oh, my Hi, Father Dunne.
I hope it's not too unsettling to see me out of uniform.
It's a lot like the time I saw Santa smoking behind the mall.
Oh, now that you're not a priest anymore, there is something I've always wanted to ask.
Go ahead, son.
It's all just nonsense, right? MIKE: What's going on? Oh, Mike! Uh I was hoping I'd run into you here.
[Chuckles.]
It's kind of unavoidable in my driveway.
I live right next door now.
Yeah, but, uh, that doesn't mean that the two of us Loretta! I'm talking to Mike! Mike! [Laughing.]
Hi! Can you believe it? I'm so excited I had to take a pill.
Baby, I didn't tell him yet.
- Well, tell him.
- Tell me what? We're getting married! - We're getting married.
- Yes! LORETTA: And we're throwing an engagement reception.
Uh We're having sponge cake, rumaki, and themed beverages.
The party's gonna keep going until the cops bust it up.
Or 8:30.
You and Peggy have to come.
- Uh - Would mean a lot to me, Mike.
I can't even think about getting married without my best friend being involved.
I couldn't get out of it.
- Oh, if you had seen his face.
- [Sighs.]
Did he look like a sad dog? 'Cause that's just his face.
You think maybe Eddie's right? Oh, my God, no.
About what? About Father Dunne being my friend all these years.
That's how he thinks of me.
Well, it doesn't mean you have to buy into it.
Engagement party.
Remember the party we threw after we got engaged? It's called a wedding.
[To tune of "Row Your Boat".]
Shine the silver Polish it to perfection Shining so bright all through the night So God can see his reflection - What are you doing? - What? You think you're the only one who gets to sing around here? Frank, Frank needs to pee [Fading.]
Going to the can This thing was called a paten, a sacred implement used for Holy Communion.
[Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" plays.]
But I had another use for it.
Hallelujah, hallelujah [Metal clanking.]
[Clanks loudly.]
[Tings.]
[Glass clinking.]
FATHER DUNNE: Can I have everyone's attention? [Quietly.]
He doesn't look right in civilian clothes.
[Quietly.]
That was Earl's suit.
Smart girl.
She found one the same size.
I would like to make a toast to my beautiful bride-to-be who has given me something that I've only ever seen on the faces of other people.
Cold sores? Genuine, heartfelt joy.
And to my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Sabrina, who has graciously permitted me to marry her mom.
To life and enjoying however much we have left.
- [Applause.]
- LORETTA: Thank you, sweetheart.
Hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
- What an occasion! - [Sighs.]
Ice in all the drinks.
[Laughs.]
Such luxury.
So, you're on board with all this? Father Dunne welching on his sacred oath? I support this relationship.
Theirs is a love which affirms the Divine.
Plus, with him gone, I get to drive the church Bonneville.
That car has a lot of miles on it.
Then again, so does Loretta.
Hope she's worth getting cast out of the church forever.
No, the Archbishop loves Father Dunne.
If this relationship were to end, they would give him his pastor job back quicker than you could say, "Hit the road, Abdi.
" That'd be a shame.
But that's not going to happen.
Look at how happy everyone is.
My mother never understood a word Father Abdi said until he gave her an idea for how to get rid of him.
Hello, Sabrina.
You must be pleased for your mom.
I was so sorry to hear about your father's death.
- Do I know you? - I'm Peggy.
I'm your mother's best friend.
Must be such a comfort to you to know she found someone to fill your father's shoes.
Those are Dad's shoes.
Oh.
Just seems like they got together so quickly after my father passed.
Well, "after," "before" what's important is that he was there for her.
When your father was ill, Cecil was at your mother's side night after night.
And when the doctors were calling for extraordinary measures, Cecil stepped up.
"No, no, unplug him.
He'll be in a better place.
" Well, looks like Cecil's in a better place now, too, huh? [Inhales deeply.]
Ah.
Okay.
[Metal clanking.]
[Clanks loudly.]
[Exhales sharply.]
That thing is amazing.
I mean, it must be the perfect shape or something.
It's because it's from church.
This is coated with the sacred drool of believers.
Huh.
Maybe all this God stuff isn't a bunch of banana oil.
And that was about as spiritual as my brother Joey got.
FRANK: I knew it! I hope you had your fun! Because when Father Abdi gets serious about penance, you are going to be doing so many push-ups! Father, um Cecil.
Mike.
I'm glad I caught you away from the others.
I have questions regarding [Quietly.]
the wedding night.
Oh, no.
No.
[Chuckles.]
I'm not the one to ask.
I can't think of anybody better.
I've always seen you and Peg as the ideal couple.
The two of you are the reason I decided to make this move.
- We are? - Of course.
Seeing the life you made together, the happiness I missed out on What about all the times I came to you with my nightmare stories? Like the time Pat let the possum in the house and it somehow locked us all out? It all sounded wonderful.
[Chuckles.]
We need that juiced-up Jesus paddle.
It's great for ping-pong, and it's the only credible evidence of God I have ever seen.
Frank locked it up back at the church.
So we wait till he's asleep, then take his keys.
You wanna break into the church? [Scoffs.]
Any court'll tell you it's not breaking in if you have the keys.
I don't think that's true.
FRANK: What happened to my keychain?! I had them! They were attached to me, and I to them! You stole my keys.
What a heinous thing to suggest.
I was totally planning to but hadn't got around to it yet.
This is a fine howdy-do.
I have no idea where I left them.
So then it's just a matter of who finds them first.
Timmy, take the kitchen.
Be sure to check the ice box.
Frank spends a lot of time staring at the Land O'Lakes girl.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Well, we went out of the house, we were pleasant to people, we're now done for the year.
[Door closes.]
[Sighs.]
I had a talk with Cecil.
I think we really are friends.
Watch out if he asks you to be his best man.
You don't want to be standing next to him holding the ring when the lightning strikes.
Well, even though he's not a priest anymore, I like him.
Why shouldn't he be happy? Because he broke a commitment, Mike.
Where would the world be if everyone threw off responsibilities and skipped through a giggle-forest chasing happiness? I know where I'd be.
- Nowhere different.
- [Scoffs.]
I'd be right here.
That's the thing about this whole "chasing happiness" nonsense.
I mean, maybe we don't get it because we've got it.
- I'm happy, Peg.
- [Scoffs.]
And I think you are, too.
- Shut up.
- I mean it! This is happiness.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah, well, being happy is exhausting.
Why didn't we pick being wealthy? - [Chuckles.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
Who on Earth? Cecil? Loretta broke up with me.
She deep-sixed the wedding.
I need a place to stay.
What happened? Her daughter took back the blessing.
She says she thinks I killed her father.
Oh, was her daughter at the party? [Scoffs.]
I would've said hi.
- Thanks, Mike.
- You're welcome.
You'll be okay.
I suppose I could let you sleep in my bed.
I think that would be awkward for me and Peggy.
[Chuckles.]
I'll tell you what would be nice, Mike.
If you would pray with me.
- You want me to - If you don't mind.
I've had a rough day.
I always loved the Peace Prayer of St.
Francis.
Okay.
- "Dear Lord" - "Dear Lord" "make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury - Pardon.
- pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
" Headed out.
No using the stove while I'm gone, unless you make enough for everybody.
- Good morning, boys.
- Good morning.
Mind if I grab a bowl? We have Count Chocula.
It's not real Count Chocula.
Mom buys Vampire Puffs and then reuses the box.
I'll take the Trix.
That's just filled with oyster crackers.
- Maybe I'll mix 'em.
- Hm.
Loretta? [Whispering.]
Oh, for crying out loud.
Hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
So good to see you.
Come in.
You are surprised to find me here.
- [Muffled crying.]
- Not really.
It's starting to seem like Loretta has a type.
Loretta has been in the bathroom for quite some time.
Oh.
Did you bring her some of those Somalian doughnuts? She is crying and heartbroken.
I've come to talk to her on behalf of Father Dunne.
Please sit.
I'll stand.
[Crying continues.]
She is upset and confused at something her daughter told her.
Ah, old people.
When are they not upset and confused? I suggested she ignore her daughter's concerns.
Too often, parents bend to their children's wishes.
In my village, if a child makes demand of the parents, we put them in a hole and cover them with fire ants.
That sounds like paradise.
It's wonderful.
Except for all of the ants.
They basically rule our village.
Oh, I'm gonna send your mom a big can of Raid.
You know, I've been spending a lot of time - with your son Frank.
- Oh, sorry about that.
I mean, it's either you or me.
Mm, he has very big ideas of how our parish should be run.
But he left these keys - dangling in the rectory door.
- Mm.
I've been watching him scrambling everywhere looking desperately to find them.
I could tell him I have the keys, but instead, I'm letting him suffer.
This will be a good lesson in humility.
- Plus it's funny.
- [Laughs.]
Is he sweating a lot? He gets very sweaty.
- He's sweating a lot, yes.
- [Laughs.]
Here.
You take these.
Now you get to decide for how long Frank feels miserable.
- What a thoughtful gift.
- Hm.
Oh, Father.
I feel like our family might have gotten off on the wrong foot with you.
Mike can be a little racist.
We'll work on it, try not to be so small-minded.
That would be a very good goal - for all of us, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
- [Loretta crying loudly.]
Okay, enough, Loretta! You're making a meal of this! [Grunts.]
I used to be better at ping-pong.
Or everyone was letting you win.
Life's gonna be different without that collar.
You're telling me.
Lately, I've been getting the finger in traffic.
Well, the good news is, now you can give it back.
Oh, I have.
- [Both chuckle.]
- LORETTA: Hello, Cecil.
- Loretta! - Oh, I'm so sorry about our misunderstanding.
Father Abdi and I set her straight.
You and Father Abdi? You're the only one allowed to have a priest friend? I'm just gonna stop listening to Sabrina.
I'm not even sure Earl was her father.
If Catholicism has taught me anything, it's that stuff that happened a long time ago doesn't really matter at all.
Oh.
Take it next door.
And close the drapes.
[Loretta laughs.]
Look how happy they are.
Why wouldn't they be? They got a long dirt nap waiting for 'em right over the horizon.
We still got to slog through 20, 30 years.
[Sighs deeply.]
You still won't admit that we're happy? Happiness comes in the afterlife, which is why we don't want to outlive our kids.
Oh, God, no.
Imagine getting to Heaven and they're waiting for us.
- [Laughs.]
- That's what's great about the way we raised these animals.
What are the chances we see all eight of them up there? I like our odds.
[Chuckles.]
If he hung out with anyone - [Doorbell rings.]
- it was our pastor, Father Dunne.
What are you doing here? I've been answering the door at the rectory for weeks.
Didn't you notice I haven't been at dinner? I'm pretty focused on my plate.
Is Father Dunne ready? - We're going to the Dodger game.
- I don't know where he is.
I cannot pin down that fluttery butterfly.
FATHER ABDI: [Somalian accent.]
Frank, is that your father? Tell Father Abdi I had to run.
Father Abdi, get down here, my dad has to run! It's not that my dad disliked Father Abdi.
But he wasn't super comfortable around people who were different in terms of class or religion Hello, Mr.
Mike Cleary.
or other things.
[Chuckles.]
Father Abdi had come to us as a missionary from Africa.
His primary mission, as my mom saw it, was testing her faith.
FATHER ABDI: Oh, hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
Whenever I see your lovely family, it truly brightens my heart.
[Flatly.]
Did not catch a word.
Mrs.
Peggy Cleary! You must try a Shushumow it is like a doughnut, but from Somalia.
It can't possibly be fresh after making that trip.
[Mouthful.]
These little African churros are outstanding.
You gotta get in here, Peg.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
FATHER ABDI: Tell me, - what is troubling you, my daughter? - [Sighs.]
You know what, no sins this week.
See you next time.
Father Abdi had survived brutal African warlords.
He felt pretty good about his chances with Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
While my dad was looking for Father Dunne, he was looking for my dad.
- With a mix-up like this in 1972 - [Doorbell rings.]
there was no calling or texting to straighten things out.
You gave up and went to bed.
It was great.
PEGGY: Oh, hello, Father.
You know, uh, Mike's not here.
- We were supposed to go to the game.
- Oh.
Any idea when he'll be back? No.
No way to find out.
Not like he's a spaceman with a telephone in his pocket.
"Hello, this is Mike.
I'm on a phone just walking around outside.
" [Both laugh.]
Frank's at the rectory.
You could take him.
Um Lawrence, would you like to go? I will grab my jacket.
Nothing against Frank.
[Sighs.]
But I see an awful lot of that boy these days.
- I get it.
Frank's a small-dose person.
- Ah.
Might end up being one of my "holidays-only" sons.
When my brother Eddie had his garbage-man job, he invented a fun game called "Hey, look what someone threw out.
" Hey, look what someone threw out! TIMMY: A ping-pong table! We can have a lot of fun with that! Yeah, we could set it on fire or roll it into traffic.
Or you could play ping-pong.
Well, sure.
First.
Well, we agreed to meet at the rectory.
Father Dunne screwed up.
He's a priest, Mike.
He's infallible.
Well, if that was the case, I'd have seen a ballgame last night.
Were you sad you missed hanging out with your friend Father Dunne? He's not my friend, he's my priest.
Why can't he be your friend and your priest? I mean, I'm your friend and your son.
You're on thin ice in both those categories, pal.
"Pal.
" How was the game last night? Fun.
I, uh, almost caught a foul ball.
If I was there, I would've caught it.
You owe me one ball.
Something else.
Uh, Father Dunne confided in me that he has a girlfriend.
What? Father Dunne probably said something about his love for the Blessed Mother, and you turned it all smutty in your head.
What did he say exactly that made you think he has a girlfriend? He said, "I have a girlfriend.
" Apparently they've been dating for a while, and he's starting to rethink his life choices.
I think he's entitled to do what makes him happy.
Happy.
Let's all slide down a rainbow into a big bowl of pudding.
This only happened 'cause you took my ticket.
You owe me one ball and one priest.
Do not say a word to anybody else.
I'm gonna go make sure a civic leader doesn't throw his career away.
[Door opens.]
Are Mom's pantyhose strong enough for a net? They're not Mom's.
I took these from Old Lady Strausser's clothesline.
If they can hold all that together, I'm pretty sure they can handle a ping-pong ball.
Hm.
I hate to do this.
Lord Sockington was my first ventriloquism puppet.
Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
"No, not my eyes!" [Rip.]
Eh.
Where's Father Dunne? This time, I actually do know, but I signed an oath of confidentiality.
Not from the Church, just something I drafted myself.
Come on in, Mike! I believe Father Dunne may now be available.
A Mr.
Cleary here to see you, Father.
[Door closes.]
Lawrence told me a crazy story about you having a girlfriend.
It's true.
Pardon my language, Father, but what the heck are you doing? For the last few months, I've been helping Loretta Buzek deal with the illness and the passing of her husband, Earl.
Loretta Buzek? And in that time, I've experienced feelings.
Priest-parishioner feelings? Man-woman feelings.
Specifically man-Buzek feelings.
Have you acted on them? No, of course not.
But Loretta has made it clear it's mine for the taking.
Don't.
Don't take anything.
And I'm gonna give you the same good advice that you have given me a hundred times consider how this affects the people you care about most and you will always make the right choice.
- [Ping-pong ball clatters.]
- Ah, rats! Rats, rats, rats! [Paddle shatters.]
This stupid paddle's defective.
Oh, let me see yours for a sec.
Okay.
Yeah, no, this one's mine now.
It's time to get ready for Mass.
Hey! Those are Mrs.
Strausser's pantyhose.
They're prescription.
And she's down to her last pair.
Why do you know that? FATHER DUNNE: The Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
ALL: Amen.
FATHER DUNNE: Just a few announcements.
I have been wrestling with a decision regarding my future here at Holy Redeemer.
Fortunately, I received some wonderful advice from my good friend, Mike Cleary.
[Quietly.]
"Friend.
" Mike said to consider how my decision affects those people I care about most.
With that in mind, I decided I'm leaving Holy Redeemer immediately - [Gasping, murmuring.]
- to date Loretta Buzek.
From here on, you'll be in the capable hands of our associate pastor, Bootaan Abdi.
Father Abdi.
Look at me, look at me.
[Murmuring stops.]
I am the pastor now.
Over the next few weeks, my folks did their best to adjust to our new pastor.
I don't like him at all.
In a way, I blame myself.
Everybody blames you.
Father Dunne blamed you from the altar.
So Father Dunne has a fling with Loretta Buzek.
I'd rather deal with that than "Father Talks-Funny" who probably has 12 wives back in Africa.
[Knife thuds.]
LAWRENCE: I can't help but notice just a whiff of racial prejudice in the way you discuss Father Abdi.
I am not prejudiced.
I just don't like that he's from a weird place and doesn't look like us.
And that accent.
Might as well go back to Mass in Latin if it's all just gonna be gibberish.
I could translate.
You don't speak Latin.
I speak gibberish.
[Speaking gibberish.]
You know, there's actually a fair amount of scholarship that suggests that Jesus was black.
- Scholarship? - Mm-hmm.
Nobody got a scholarship for saying that.
I mean, look at him.
Does he look like an Afro-American? You know that's not a photo, right? So now you know more than the gift shop - at the San Fernando Mission? - [Can clangs.]
EDDIE: I saw Father Dunne on my route yesterday.
He's living in the apartment building next door.
- Father Dunne? - Seriously? He's moved in with Mrs.
Buzek.
That woman.
All through her husband's emphysema, I saw her sizing up replacements.
She wore Shalimar to Earl's wake.
I thought you'd be happy to have Father Dunne for a neighbor.
He's not Father Dunne anymore.
He's a randy old goat named "Cecil.
" What are you gonna say when you see him? I'm gonna treat him like any other neighbor with a curt gruffness that allows no follow-up questions.
Living in sin right next door.
I hope they close the drapes.
[Quietly.]
Our kids pick up more than you think.
I know what you guys are talking about, and I totally agree.
We should start a farm! - [Knock on door.]
- FRANK: Excuse me, Father.
- FATHER ABDI: Oh, Frank.
- Now that you're in charge, I'm hoping you'll do something about the silver and gold on the altar.
It's Well, it's embarrassing.
I see your point, Frank.
It is unseemly to display ostentatious wealth.
I just meant it should be shinier.
Okay, if you'd like to polish it I also think we need to get tougher in the confessional maybe assign a few push-ups to go along with the Hail Marys.
If you want to establish order around here, you're gonna have to start sending a lot more people to Hell.
You've given this some thought.
It's what I think about most of the time.
I'm getting a sense you would like more responsibility, Frank.
So I've decided to trust you with these.
[Bell rings.]
The keys to the kingdom? The rectory, the sacristy.
And this one turns on the sprinklers.
Thank you for this honor, sir.
You don't have to salute.
Actually, I do.
I added it to the confidentiality agreement that I drafted.
Oh, my Hi, Father Dunne.
I hope it's not too unsettling to see me out of uniform.
It's a lot like the time I saw Santa smoking behind the mall.
Oh, now that you're not a priest anymore, there is something I've always wanted to ask.
Go ahead, son.
It's all just nonsense, right? MIKE: What's going on? Oh, Mike! Uh I was hoping I'd run into you here.
[Chuckles.]
It's kind of unavoidable in my driveway.
I live right next door now.
Yeah, but, uh, that doesn't mean that the two of us Loretta! I'm talking to Mike! Mike! [Laughing.]
Hi! Can you believe it? I'm so excited I had to take a pill.
Baby, I didn't tell him yet.
- Well, tell him.
- Tell me what? We're getting married! - We're getting married.
- Yes! LORETTA: And we're throwing an engagement reception.
Uh We're having sponge cake, rumaki, and themed beverages.
The party's gonna keep going until the cops bust it up.
Or 8:30.
You and Peggy have to come.
- Uh - Would mean a lot to me, Mike.
I can't even think about getting married without my best friend being involved.
I couldn't get out of it.
- Oh, if you had seen his face.
- [Sighs.]
Did he look like a sad dog? 'Cause that's just his face.
You think maybe Eddie's right? Oh, my God, no.
About what? About Father Dunne being my friend all these years.
That's how he thinks of me.
Well, it doesn't mean you have to buy into it.
Engagement party.
Remember the party we threw after we got engaged? It's called a wedding.
[To tune of "Row Your Boat".]
Shine the silver Polish it to perfection Shining so bright all through the night So God can see his reflection - What are you doing? - What? You think you're the only one who gets to sing around here? Frank, Frank needs to pee [Fading.]
Going to the can This thing was called a paten, a sacred implement used for Holy Communion.
[Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" plays.]
But I had another use for it.
Hallelujah, hallelujah [Metal clanking.]
[Clanks loudly.]
[Tings.]
[Glass clinking.]
FATHER DUNNE: Can I have everyone's attention? [Quietly.]
He doesn't look right in civilian clothes.
[Quietly.]
That was Earl's suit.
Smart girl.
She found one the same size.
I would like to make a toast to my beautiful bride-to-be who has given me something that I've only ever seen on the faces of other people.
Cold sores? Genuine, heartfelt joy.
And to my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Sabrina, who has graciously permitted me to marry her mom.
To life and enjoying however much we have left.
- [Applause.]
- LORETTA: Thank you, sweetheart.
Hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
- What an occasion! - [Sighs.]
Ice in all the drinks.
[Laughs.]
Such luxury.
So, you're on board with all this? Father Dunne welching on his sacred oath? I support this relationship.
Theirs is a love which affirms the Divine.
Plus, with him gone, I get to drive the church Bonneville.
That car has a lot of miles on it.
Then again, so does Loretta.
Hope she's worth getting cast out of the church forever.
No, the Archbishop loves Father Dunne.
If this relationship were to end, they would give him his pastor job back quicker than you could say, "Hit the road, Abdi.
" That'd be a shame.
But that's not going to happen.
Look at how happy everyone is.
My mother never understood a word Father Abdi said until he gave her an idea for how to get rid of him.
Hello, Sabrina.
You must be pleased for your mom.
I was so sorry to hear about your father's death.
- Do I know you? - I'm Peggy.
I'm your mother's best friend.
Must be such a comfort to you to know she found someone to fill your father's shoes.
Those are Dad's shoes.
Oh.
Just seems like they got together so quickly after my father passed.
Well, "after," "before" what's important is that he was there for her.
When your father was ill, Cecil was at your mother's side night after night.
And when the doctors were calling for extraordinary measures, Cecil stepped up.
"No, no, unplug him.
He'll be in a better place.
" Well, looks like Cecil's in a better place now, too, huh? [Inhales deeply.]
Ah.
Okay.
[Metal clanking.]
[Clanks loudly.]
[Exhales sharply.]
That thing is amazing.
I mean, it must be the perfect shape or something.
It's because it's from church.
This is coated with the sacred drool of believers.
Huh.
Maybe all this God stuff isn't a bunch of banana oil.
And that was about as spiritual as my brother Joey got.
FRANK: I knew it! I hope you had your fun! Because when Father Abdi gets serious about penance, you are going to be doing so many push-ups! Father, um Cecil.
Mike.
I'm glad I caught you away from the others.
I have questions regarding [Quietly.]
the wedding night.
Oh, no.
No.
[Chuckles.]
I'm not the one to ask.
I can't think of anybody better.
I've always seen you and Peg as the ideal couple.
The two of you are the reason I decided to make this move.
- We are? - Of course.
Seeing the life you made together, the happiness I missed out on What about all the times I came to you with my nightmare stories? Like the time Pat let the possum in the house and it somehow locked us all out? It all sounded wonderful.
[Chuckles.]
We need that juiced-up Jesus paddle.
It's great for ping-pong, and it's the only credible evidence of God I have ever seen.
Frank locked it up back at the church.
So we wait till he's asleep, then take his keys.
You wanna break into the church? [Scoffs.]
Any court'll tell you it's not breaking in if you have the keys.
I don't think that's true.
FRANK: What happened to my keychain?! I had them! They were attached to me, and I to them! You stole my keys.
What a heinous thing to suggest.
I was totally planning to but hadn't got around to it yet.
This is a fine howdy-do.
I have no idea where I left them.
So then it's just a matter of who finds them first.
Timmy, take the kitchen.
Be sure to check the ice box.
Frank spends a lot of time staring at the Land O'Lakes girl.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Well, we went out of the house, we were pleasant to people, we're now done for the year.
[Door closes.]
[Sighs.]
I had a talk with Cecil.
I think we really are friends.
Watch out if he asks you to be his best man.
You don't want to be standing next to him holding the ring when the lightning strikes.
Well, even though he's not a priest anymore, I like him.
Why shouldn't he be happy? Because he broke a commitment, Mike.
Where would the world be if everyone threw off responsibilities and skipped through a giggle-forest chasing happiness? I know where I'd be.
- Nowhere different.
- [Scoffs.]
I'd be right here.
That's the thing about this whole "chasing happiness" nonsense.
I mean, maybe we don't get it because we've got it.
- I'm happy, Peg.
- [Scoffs.]
And I think you are, too.
- Shut up.
- I mean it! This is happiness.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah, well, being happy is exhausting.
Why didn't we pick being wealthy? - [Chuckles.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
Who on Earth? Cecil? Loretta broke up with me.
She deep-sixed the wedding.
I need a place to stay.
What happened? Her daughter took back the blessing.
She says she thinks I killed her father.
Oh, was her daughter at the party? [Scoffs.]
I would've said hi.
- Thanks, Mike.
- You're welcome.
You'll be okay.
I suppose I could let you sleep in my bed.
I think that would be awkward for me and Peggy.
[Chuckles.]
I'll tell you what would be nice, Mike.
If you would pray with me.
- You want me to - If you don't mind.
I've had a rough day.
I always loved the Peace Prayer of St.
Francis.
Okay.
- "Dear Lord" - "Dear Lord" "make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury - Pardon.
- pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
" Headed out.
No using the stove while I'm gone, unless you make enough for everybody.
- Good morning, boys.
- Good morning.
Mind if I grab a bowl? We have Count Chocula.
It's not real Count Chocula.
Mom buys Vampire Puffs and then reuses the box.
I'll take the Trix.
That's just filled with oyster crackers.
- Maybe I'll mix 'em.
- Hm.
Loretta? [Whispering.]
Oh, for crying out loud.
Hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
So good to see you.
Come in.
You are surprised to find me here.
- [Muffled crying.]
- Not really.
It's starting to seem like Loretta has a type.
Loretta has been in the bathroom for quite some time.
Oh.
Did you bring her some of those Somalian doughnuts? She is crying and heartbroken.
I've come to talk to her on behalf of Father Dunne.
Please sit.
I'll stand.
[Crying continues.]
She is upset and confused at something her daughter told her.
Ah, old people.
When are they not upset and confused? I suggested she ignore her daughter's concerns.
Too often, parents bend to their children's wishes.
In my village, if a child makes demand of the parents, we put them in a hole and cover them with fire ants.
That sounds like paradise.
It's wonderful.
Except for all of the ants.
They basically rule our village.
Oh, I'm gonna send your mom a big can of Raid.
You know, I've been spending a lot of time - with your son Frank.
- Oh, sorry about that.
I mean, it's either you or me.
Mm, he has very big ideas of how our parish should be run.
But he left these keys - dangling in the rectory door.
- Mm.
I've been watching him scrambling everywhere looking desperately to find them.
I could tell him I have the keys, but instead, I'm letting him suffer.
This will be a good lesson in humility.
- Plus it's funny.
- [Laughs.]
Is he sweating a lot? He gets very sweaty.
- He's sweating a lot, yes.
- [Laughs.]
Here.
You take these.
Now you get to decide for how long Frank feels miserable.
- What a thoughtful gift.
- Hm.
Oh, Father.
I feel like our family might have gotten off on the wrong foot with you.
Mike can be a little racist.
We'll work on it, try not to be so small-minded.
That would be a very good goal - for all of us, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
- [Loretta crying loudly.]
Okay, enough, Loretta! You're making a meal of this! [Grunts.]
I used to be better at ping-pong.
Or everyone was letting you win.
Life's gonna be different without that collar.
You're telling me.
Lately, I've been getting the finger in traffic.
Well, the good news is, now you can give it back.
Oh, I have.
- [Both chuckle.]
- LORETTA: Hello, Cecil.
- Loretta! - Oh, I'm so sorry about our misunderstanding.
Father Abdi and I set her straight.
You and Father Abdi? You're the only one allowed to have a priest friend? I'm just gonna stop listening to Sabrina.
I'm not even sure Earl was her father.
If Catholicism has taught me anything, it's that stuff that happened a long time ago doesn't really matter at all.
Oh.
Take it next door.
And close the drapes.
[Loretta laughs.]
Look how happy they are.
Why wouldn't they be? They got a long dirt nap waiting for 'em right over the horizon.
We still got to slog through 20, 30 years.
[Sighs deeply.]
You still won't admit that we're happy? Happiness comes in the afterlife, which is why we don't want to outlive our kids.
Oh, God, no.
Imagine getting to Heaven and they're waiting for us.
- [Laughs.]
- That's what's great about the way we raised these animals.
What are the chances we see all eight of them up there? I like our odds.
[Chuckles.]