The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e14 Episode Script

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all - [Knocking.]
- [Rhoda.]
Mary? - Yeah, come on in, Rhoda.
- Hey, Mar, can you give me a lift to work this morning? - My car pool didn't pick me up.
- How come? They're sore at me.
It finally dawned on them I don't have a car.
- Yeah, I'd be glad to.
- Good.
Rhoda, do I look all right to you? - Terrific.
- Really? - Oh, yeah, that's some color.
- Yeah? Good.
[Laughs.]
All right, dress, you are no longer returnable.
You are mine, all mine! I never knew anyone to buy a brand-new dress for a Wednesday morning.
Well, I just want to make an impression on somebody.
- Really? That's great.
Tell me all about him.
- Yes.
He's got a terrific sense of humor and a great personality.
Hey, that's how people describe me.
He can't be too great.
What does he look like? He also happens to be very good-looking.
- Slightly gray.
- Slightly gray? Where? His face? His suit? Around the temples.
- Has he got a name? - His name is Paul Arnell.
Hey, well, you You've met his brother, Howard Arnell.
Remember? - I dated him a couple of times.
- Oh, that Howard.
Yeah.
But don't worry.
Paul is nothing like Howard.
I don't think Paul even owns a tie that lights up in the dark.
How did you meet Paul? I mean, did Howard introduce you to him? No.
We're doing a series of interviews with Congressman Styron, and Paul writes his speeches, so we've met a couple of times.
He's coming by the office today, so ta-da! Yeah.
Has he asked you out or anything? He did once.
I couldn't make it.
I told him I was doing something.
So tell him you've stopped doing it.
[Phone Ringing.]
Hello.
Who? - Oh, hi, Howard.
- Howard Arnell? Yeah, I did.
I bumped into Paul the other day.
Well, I don't remember giving him any message.
Oh, unless you mean, I told him to be sure and say hi to Howard.
And you're just calling to say hi right back.
Well, well.
Hi.
Listen, uh, Howard, I've gotta run.
I'm, uh I've got some guests here.
[Mumbling, Laughs.]
- Yes, a few people just dropped in.
- [Clinking.]
[Mumbling Continues, Laughs.]
Oh, I don't know.
I guess they'll be here a couple of hours, anyway.
You'll, uh You what? You'll hold.
Oh, yes, of course I knew you were just kidding.
I knew that.
Listen, l-I really I have to go.
[Laughs.]
- All right.
I won't take any wooden nickels.
Uh-uh.
- Come on, Mary.
Yes, I'll be sure to say hi to Paul when I see him.
- Right.
Good talking to you too.
Bye-bye, Howard.
- Mary.
[Groans.]
Quick, before he calls again.
Mary, have you got Congressman Styron's questions for Paul Arnell when he gets here? - Right on your desk.
- Good.
You know, Murray, I've been meaning to ask you, - just hypothetically speaking, if, uh - Mm-hmm.
if a man has asked a woman out and she couldn't make it, how does she go about asking him or getting him to ask her out again? Oh, well, it depends on who the particular man is and who the particular woman is.
Well, nobody nobody in particular.
Any two people.
Just hypo-you-know-thetically speaking.
Hey, is the hypothetical woman you? I shouldn't even have brought it up.
It's just that there's something, you know, kind of interesting about him.
- Who? - Paul Arnell.
Paul Arnell? Hey, he's great.
Why don't you go out with him? Well, l I don't know.
- This came off the wire, Mr.
Grant.
- Thanks.
- Uh, Mary? - Sir? Skip it.
Uh, [Chuckles.]
skip what? Sit down.
Mary, I know what you think of me.
Same as everyone else thinks of me all business, no time for sentiment, tough Lou Grant.
Oh, no.
No, Mr.
Grant.
- I don't think that you're so - What? Well, usually I do.
Tough Lou Grant.
But underneath it all, Mary, I think of you Well, I think of you like a daughter, which is saying a lot, because I have three daughters, and one of them I don't even think of as a daughter.
- You know, you're very sweet.
- What? In a tough sort of way.
Right.
So when I heard certain things around the office, I made certain inquiries so that maybe I could help you out with a certain situation.
Well, I, uh, certainly want to thank you, Mr.
Grant.
- But I don't know what you're talking about.
- Not what, who.
Paul Arnell.
- What? - " Makes 13 thou a year, lives here in town.
A B.
A.
from Dartmouth.
Military: - four years in the air force reserves.
" - Uh, no.
No.
Mr.
Grant, l-I don't want to hear this.
- "Marital status" - Uh, go on.
"Never been married.
" Thank you.
Murray, you just couldn't wait to go and tell Mr.
Grant about Paul Arnell.
Oh, hey, it wasn't like that at all.
Look, the man asked me a direct question, and I had to answer him.
He said, "Who?" and I said, "Paul Arnell.
" Could you tell me why Mr.
Grant would say, "Who?" Because he said, "Guess what guy Mary's interested in.
" Mary's interested in someone? Who? Uh-uh.
Don't tell me who it is.
Just what are the initials? - Oh, Ted.
- Oh, come on, Mar.
Everyone here knows but me.
Murr, how about you? Come on, what are the initials? - All right, all right.
The initials are P.
A.
- "P.
A.
" - As in Paul Arnell.
- Oh, as in Paul Arnell.
It wouldn't be Peter somebody, would it, Mar, huh? Huh? Okay, okay.
Everybody here is acting pretty cute, but let me tell you, if you're still acting pretty cute when he gets here, I mean it, I'm gonna quit! Mary, don't worry.
We won't even be here.
- We'll leave, okay? - Okay.
- [Murray.]
Oh, hi, Paul.
- Hi.
Arnell, good to see you.
Paul Arnell! P.
A.
Paul Arnell.
- We gotta go now, Paul.
Come on, Ted.
- I guessed it, didn't I? - We gotta go now, Paul.
Come on, Ted.
- I guessed it, didn't I? Didn't I guess it? - Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- What's the matter with your eye? - Uh Hi.
No, it's gonna be all right.
It's okay.
- Did you get something in it? - Uh, just a fist.
- A what? - Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
- Paul, let me see it.
- [Groans.]
Pretty bad, huh? - Uh, no, it looks pretty good.
- Really? It's amazing to me how much punishment the human face can take before it breaks.
Oh.
Do you got any coffee? Yeah, sure.
But Paul, what happened? Oh, I was sitting next to this guy at a lunch counter, and he's reading Styron's speech in the newspaper.
- And he's making loud, rude remarks, you know? - Uh-huh.
So, I, uh Oh, cream and sugar.
Okay.
Did you tell him that you wrote it? Oh, no, not right away.
He had a tattoo.
Uh, Paul, what has that got to do with it? Well, Mary, look, there are two kinds of people in the world guys with tattoos and guys who are afraid of getting hit by guys with tattoos.
Well, did you finally tell him that, uh, you wrote the speech? Well, did you finally tell him that, uh, you wrote the speech? Huh? Yeah.
So anyway, I say, "Hey, look, my friend.
I wrote that speech.
" So he gets a little embarrassed, you know, and that's when he hit me.
Well, you didn't get into a real, you know, a fight, did you? - Fight? No, no, Mary, there was no fight.
- Good.
It was more like a"beating up.
" At least you acted civilized.
I mean, you didn't hit him back.
Worse.
I did worse.
I, uh I kicked him.
I mean, all your life, since you were a kid, all you ever hear is, "Men don't kick, not under any circumstances.
" - And girls don't bite or scratch.
- Except during wartime.
Then maybe an enemy soldier would kick.
- Yeah.
Or bite or scratch even.
- Yeah.
But not a wholesome American boy.
- Hey, Paul, that eye does look like it's beginning to swell up.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Do you put hot or cold water on a swollen eye? If you go sit down, I'll do it.
Ooh! You know, I think I wrecked my toe.
- When you kicked him? - Yeah.
I missed him, and I hit the counter.
And I think I got him.
I think he must've broken his fist on my face.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
That's good.
Other eye.
- He hit you there too? - No, it just feels good.
- Close your eye.
- Say, listen, Mary, would you would you be suspicious if I showed up at your apartment every night and you had to fix up my eye? No, not in the least.
Oh.
Would you, uh How about Friday night, say around 8:00? Are you busy? Uh, Friday night at Without a swollen eye.
No, I'm not busy.
I'd like that.
Great.
That's terrific.
- I'll be looking forward to it.
- Me too.
See you.
Paul! The, uh, Styron interview.
We, uh, still haven't gone over the Styron material.
[Chuckling.]
Styron, right.
Yeah.
After I made such a great exit.
Why is nothing ever perfect? Hey, Mary, I don't see one person with graying temples.
- Give me a zip? - Oh, sure.
Don't you feel a little peculiar about going out with Paul? - Why? - Because of Howard.
Rhoda, I told you, Howard and I were never what you'd call a "big thing.
" - I thought he told you he loved you.
- Yeah, he did.
He tells everybody he loves them.
Rhoda, if you dialed the wrong number and got Howard, he'd tell you he loves you.
He would, huh? That's worth a dime.
It's been a while.
[Gasps.]
It's a magnifying mirror.
Mary, why didn't you warn me? I thought it was a relief map of the moon.
You know, when they sell a magnifying mirror, they should include a printed suicide note.
[Doorbell Buzzing.]
- Uh, Rhoda, I think that's probably Paul.
- Yeah, probably.
So if you wanna, uh [Chuckles.]
Okay, if you want me to stay around and help you break the ice, I'd be glad to.
- Hi, Paul.
- Hi.
Let me take your coat.
I'd like you to meet my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern.
This is Paul Arnell.
- Well, hello, Paul.
- Nice to see you.
Mary didn't tell me she was expecting company.
I guess I'll just be running along.
Say, Mary, you know that package that was delivered? - Uh - You know the one I mean.
It has very nice wrapping.
Very nice wrapping.
- Good night, Rhoda.
- Much nicer than its brother.
[Groans.]
- Hello.
- Hello.
I was I was gonna bring you something, but I couldn't decide what.
Wha What do you mean? Like candy? Or gum.
I don't know.
- Something kind of first date-like.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Look, to tell you the truth, l-I hate first dates.
Oh, Paul, me too.
I hate them.
- It seems like every time l - Would you like to sit down? There.
- The first-date craziness.
- Right.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
Uh, say, Mar, do you remember - when I was beaten up and I came to your office the other day? - Yeah.
Well, why don't we call that our first date? - Then we can call this our second date.
- Terrific.
I love that idea.
- [Chuckling.]
- Good.
Listen, I don't want you to think I'm rushing into things, but, um, this just being our second date, I'd like to take you home and have you meet my folks.
- What? - No, it's not what you think.
See, they're leaving for Europe tomorrow for two months, and I've just gotta stop by.
Oh.
Well, sure.
I'd like to see them again.
I met them once with Howard.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's really not where I would like to take you on our first time.
- Ah! - Second time.
You know, if this was our first date, in a couple of hours I'd probably be standing right here wondering, uh, should I kiss her good night while I got her, or should I just wait? Take a chance maybe she'll invite me in.
You know what I mean? - All that stupid stuff.
- I know.
Like, should I let him know that I wouldn't mind if he kissed me good night, or then would he think that I was Well, you know.
Mary, just to get it out of the way I want you to know, Mary, that I still respect you.
[Doorbell Ringing.]
- Well, Mother, look who's here.
- Hi! - We just stopped by to see if this charming house was for sale.
- Hello.
- You remember Mary Richards.
- Aren't you a pleasant surprise.
Well, Mary, what a coincidence.
We were just talking about you the other day.
- Oh, really? - Won't you sit down? Before you get settled, I got something to show you in the workshop.
- Howard's invented a new one.
- You may not notice, Mary, but our Howard is considered an innovative genius in his field.
You know, I've never really been sure what his field was.
I know he has something to do with bow ties that light up.
That's it, the under-nine-dollars novelty business.
Look at this cigarette box.
[Woman's Voice.]
Cigarette smoking may be hazardous to your health.
[Coughing.]
Cigarette smoking may be - That's Howard.
- Fine.
To think.
Oh, Mary, you're standing on hallowed ground.
Isn't this true, Mom? Right on this exact spot on May 29, 1968, Howard Arnell invented reversible socks.
Plain on one side, argyle on the other.
Don't feel compelled to comment.
A simple gasp will do.
Dad, wait up! - It's a lovely home.
- Oh, thank you.
- Who are all the kids? - Oh, they're Howard.
- Where's Paul? - Oh.
Here.
It's not very good of him, but it's quite flattering of the Santa Claus.
Would you like some coffee? Uh, yes, thank you.
Black, please.
It was a lovely idea of Howard's to have Paul bring you by.
Oh, no, it wasn't Howard's idea.
It was Paul's.
Oh, really? But it sounds so Howard.
So considerate.
When was the last time you talked with him? Uh, with Howard? Just a couple of days ago, as a matter of fact.
- How did he sound? - Well, he sounded like Howard.
What a lovely thing to say.
Let me tell you, Mary, all we hear from our boy, is "Mary this" and "Mary that.
" - Uh, really? - His father said to me, "When are Howard and Mary going to tie the knot?" But I said, "Well, that's up to Mary.
After all, she's Howard's girl.
" Very funny, Paul.
I show him Howard's new musical razor that's already sold over 500 gross.
All he can say is, " Very cute, but does it play 'Melancholy Baby'?" Come on, Dad.
So I made a joke.
I think it's great that they're selling.
He made a joke.
That's why he wouldn't go into business with me.
Because the whole thing is one big joke.
Ha-ha.
- Well, novelties are no joke to Howard.
- Brian, we have company.
I'm sure to a big Ivy Leaguer like Paul a joke of a business like novelties Well, how can it compare with writing out a lot of speeches for people? Oh, now, Dad, wait a minute.
It's not what you call "just writing out a lot of speeches for people.
" - Paulie, he's just talking.
- Yeah, Mom, I know.
But I've gotta say it.
It's not what you'd call " writing out a lot of speeches for people.
" It's trying to get the thoughts of a very dedicated and concerned man down on paper.
Did you read Styron's last speech? His last speech? No, he didn't.
Well, you should've.
Look, all the New York papers said it was a turning point in Styron's career and that with his kind of outspokenness, he could be a contender for governor in a few years.
And after that, who knows? He could go anyplace, even the White House.
Maybe even the White House, Dad! So when I'm writing for Styron, that's what I'm writing about.
Well, as long as you're keeping busy.
Well, it's good to be home.
Listen, this is your bon voyage party, so let's wish you a bon voyage.
Are you really looking forward to your trip? We're going to London, Dublin, Asia and Paris.
Tell me, is there something you'd like us to bring you back? Oh, well, that's very sweet, but no, thank you.
How about some nice Irish lace? Howard would love you in lace.
- Mom.
- Well, he would.
After all, Irish lace makes such a nice you-know-what veil.
Well, thank you, Paul.
I had a really great, you know, time.
Oh, sure, you had such a great time, you're home at 9:30.
If you would've had any more of a great time, you could've been home by 8:30.
Mary, I'll tell you, they're just weird on the subject of Howard.
All that talk about you and Howard.
I should've said something.
No.
No, I should've said something.
It's just that it's a little difficult to tell a woman you're not interested in her son when you're staring into practically a shrine of his baby pictures.
- Would you like some coffee? - No, thanks, Mary.
No.
I tell you, I'm going back to the house.
- Well Now? - Yes.
Right now.
Those two people are leaving for Europe tomorrow for two months.
I don't want them spending another 60 days thinking you are Howard's girl.
- Do you wanna come with me? - Well, I don't know.
I think I'd probably feel a little funny.
Well, okay, if you feel funny.
But I've gotta go back there.
He walks up the stairs to the door hoping she'll follow.
He looks back.
She gave him an encouraging smile.
And she made a decision.
She's going with him.
And a moment later, she's there by his side.
Taking his arm, she turned out the lights, and they walked wordlessly into the night.
[Doorbell Ringing.]
Oh, uh, Mrs.
Arnell, we didn't realize that you'd be - No, Mary, come in.
- We didn't want to disturb you folks.
Oh, you're not disturbing us.
Well, we were sort of hoping you'd pop back, weren't we, Brian? What do you mean? Tonight? I don't know how to start here.
Yes, I do.
Listen, Mom, Mary is my date.
- She's not Howard's girl.
- Does Howard know this? Mrs.
Arnell, you know, I went out with Howard exactly three times.
He asked me out a fourth time, which was about 11 months ago, and I said no.
Are you trying to tell me that your plans for the marriage are off? Yeah, I think I can safely say that the plans for the marriage are off.
Well, as long as you're here, you may as well sit down.
So, Mom, what are you, uh - Looking at slides, huh? - I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, you were.
You were looking at slides.
Dad, where'd you get all these viewer things? Howard got a deal on them, so he's trying to work them into something musical.
- Hey, there's a nice shot.
- That's Dublin.
You know, I thought that you two had never been to Europe, Mrs.
Arnell.
Uh, Mr.
Arnell, I thought you two had never been to Europe.
We haven't.
These are places we're gonna visit.
So we'll recognize them when we get there.
Come on, Mother, look at slides.
It's getting late.
Okay, here we go.
Viewers up, everybody.
Everybody click to number one.
- Everybody got number one? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Good.
- Gee, this certainly is beautiful.
Where is it? Looks like Disneyland.
No.
No, Dad.
It's the Kremlin.
Well, we're not going there.
Number two.
Everybody click to number two.
You can click all you want, but I'm not going.
- You're not what? - I'm not going to Europe, Brian.
That's all, period.
What, are you crazy? What do you mean you're not going? She's going, she's going.
Click to number three, everybody.
Number three.
Click, click, click, Brian, but I'm not leaving my two sons alone in America with that Well, I'm just not leaving my two sons alone in America.
Oh, Mom.
- Mrs.
Arnell.
- I don't want to discuss it.
No, Mrs.
Arnell, really.
I mean I don't have any designs on your sons.
Howard and I never did have any kind of relationship.
Paul and I are just on our second no, first date.
So we don't even know how we feel about each other.
So go.
Wrong.
Speak for yourself.
I know how I feel about you.
I'm crazy about her.
- [Chuckles.]
- Four.
Everybody click to number four.
That's a nice clear shot, isn't it? That's Paris.
Wait for me, Brian.
Let me catch up.
All right.
Now, this thing here, of course, is your Eiffel Tower.
Wouldn't Howard love to see this? I miss him already.
Maybe you can take him with you.
Seven.
Everybody, let's, uh, click right on to seven.
- Everybody got number seven? - Yeah.
You get the feeling we're always standing here? - Uh, well, sort of, yes.
- Yeah.
Well, here we are.
Do I come in or say good night? Do I talk a lot to cover my self-consciousness? Why don't we discuss it inside? Well, tomorrow morning, You think your mother's ever gonna recover? Recover? Wait till she sees her present.
- What'd you get her? - Howard.
I bought him a ticket.
[Mews.]