The McCarthys (2014) s01e14 Episode Script

What's up with this valentine’s day, anyway? My mom likes to have a party for those don't have anyone to do on valentine's day.
- It's nice, right? - Yep, nothing creepy about a family celebrating romance with each other.
Oh, hi, Marj.
So, Katrina, you're here, without Gerald.
That seems unnecessary.
He's out with Sean.
I'm meeting him her.
Go find him! It's valentine season.
Get out there.
Get strike out by cupid arrow! Ow, cupid, I never get much for that little weirdo.
No offense, Arthur.
Hey, guess what, you guys.
I'm gonna be Gerard's best man.
Aw! - That's great.
- Congrats.
He proposed over lunch.
I didn't propose.
He was nervous, so I knew something was up, but I was expecting it.
Anyway, he got down on one knee 'Cause I dropped my fork.
And he popped the question.
And I said yes! It was a beautiful moment.
Everyone at Quiznos started clapping.
Beautiful story, guys.
Not weird at all.
I think it's weird.
Who uses a fork at Quiznos? So, Katrina, we have a family thing to discuss.
Do you mind? Marj, are you forgetting that I'm part of the family? Oh, no, I've not been able to forget that.
Um Actually, it's a wedding-related surprise for you.
Oh! Okay.
Well, I'll be in the car.
It'll be nice to be someplace that smells less like an old car.
Zing! That's her way of saying your home smells.
Yeah.
So, Ma, what's the surprise for the wedding? Oh.
Uh there's gonna be cake.
Anyway, the other reason that I wanted to talk to you all is that I made a disturbing discovery.
I, too, was having lunch with Ronny No one ever asks me to go to lunch.
Well, maybe if you didn't interrupt people's stories.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, if I may There we were, having lunch Who's that? No one.
It's no one.
Well, then why did you wave to him? Oh.
Because I wave to everyone.
Just trying to create a friendlier Boston.
Hey.
How you doing? Hi, friend.
Ronny, you waved to that man awkwardly.
Furtive glances were exchanged.
He then joined his wife and two people who can only be described as children.
Oh, my God! Are you that man's mistre mister-mistress? What? I'm not involved with a married man.
He's my therapist.
Your therapist? Yes, I'm in therapy.
And I haven't told you because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it.
It's not a big deal, Ronny.
And it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, I'm not ashamed of it.
Why would you be? He's not even ashamed of it! The McCarthys SO1E14 Original air date 2015/07/11 All right, I'm here.
Got your message.
So, where are these cupcakes you're all too clumsy to frost? Ronny, come.
Sit with the people who love you.
People who love me? What the hell is going on? Gerard, why don't you speak first.
"Ronny, you are my brother.
"But ever since I found out that you are going to therapy, "you have impacted me negatively "in the following ways.
"One: I don't like it.
Two: I had to write this list.
" Really? This is about therapy? What do you think goes on there? Bad things! People talk about their feelings.
A man's supposed to keep his feelings bottled up inside, until there's no more room for them, and then you die.
And if that happens after the age of 50, you win.
Ronny, why do you need to go talk to a therapist when you have a mother who's your best friend? Asked and answered.
You know what? If ever there was a family who could benefit from a little therapy, it's this one.
Hey! We heard that, Ronny.
Well, when I said it directly to you, I knew I was running that risk.
Look, Hugh is really insightful His name is Hugh? Weak.
Gross.
Hey, buddy, how about working in a hard consonant? "Hhhyoohh.
" Anyway, I actually have an appointment with Hugh this afternoon, and now I know what I'm gonna talk about.
Thank you for the ambush and the mockery.
And the lie about the cupcakes.
Did you hear what he just said? He said he's gonna talk about us.
I assumed it was all, "I can't find a guy.
Sometimes my hair's weird.
" You think he goes in there and shares family secrets? Like what, Arthur? Where the fortune is buried? How many old Oreos are crushed between the cushions of your chair? Ronny in therapy wow.
We have got to do something about this.
Arthur, where'd you get that Oreo? Family secret.
And what does my mom do? She tells all of them.
Which led to the supremely comfortable "intervention.
" Well, based on what we've established, the McCarthy family crest is a picture of a boundary with six people just pole vaulting right over it.
I'm not a sports guy, but that sounds about right.
I want you to think about what you would say to your family if they were here right now.
Close your eyes, pretend I'm your mom.
Okay.
I can do that.
- Mom - Yes, Ronny? Hugh, please tell me you're great at impressions.
We came to tell our side of the story "Hhhyoohh.
" You must be Gerard.
How's that any of your business? I am so sorry about this.
Me, too.
Hi.
I'm Jackie, the sister.
But I'm sure you already know all about me.
Oh.
Sister.
Hugh, I think we can just talk this out as adults.
What's Ronny's favorite color? Aha, that was a trick question.
He loves all colors equally.
You know nothing about my son.
Please release him.
Are you under the impression I'm here to try to replace you? Because I'm not.
And yet, when we entered, you were saying, "Close your eyes and pretend I'm your mom.
" Well, this was a lovely surprise, but this is Ronny's session, and I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
You know what, Hugh? Let them stay.
Are you sure? I'm not, but they've already started to sit.
Okay.
Welcome.
Wait.
Are we putting this on Ronny's tab? Yes, Dad.
All right, knock yourselves out.
Would you like to have a seat? And give you all the power? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Not gonna happen.
Feel free to stand.
Didn't see that one coming, did you? And I wanted that cereal more than anything else in the whole world.
All the other kids got to have it.
And I felt so left out, I just cried for hours.
It was so traumatizing.
Hmm.
That's the same day I saw a dead body in the woods.
Anyway, that's my cereal story.
Wait You know, Ma's cereal story kind of brings up something for me.
So we're just gonna gloss over the body in the woods thing? She was talking about feeling left out.
And sometimes, I feel like my own family leaves me out of things.
Name one time.
What the hell?! I knew we forgot something.
Do you guys think you could make an effort to include Jackie more? She's right here.
What else are we gonna say? Well, you still haven't said it.
Fine.
I I guess.
All right.
Aw, you guys! See? Therapy does work.
Maybe it's time for a group exercise.
Really, Hugh? Wait, you just called me Hugh.
And why do you think I did that? Guess I was sort of trying to take over.
Very good, Ronny.
"Very good, Ronny.
" What a bunch of garbage.
Gerard, that's the fourth time you've called something "garbage.
" One of which was a crayon drawing by my daughter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess cows do have seven legs.
She's a genius.
What's your point? Do you think it's possible that at times you can be a little insensitive? Do you think it's possible there's something wrong with your face? And that you act rashly? I'm out of here! Should we go after him? No, he's probably just gonna run off to Katrina's.
Marjorie, I've noticed something.
You have a tendency to make a face and a noise every time someone mentions Gerard's fiancée.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, maybe it's just something Katrina! Anything you'd like to share? She is so controlling.
She's trying to always manipulate him into doing what she wants.
And that's my thing.
Okay? That is my thing.
Marjorie, if you don't come to terms with these feelings, they're gonna come out sooner or later.
And that's going to force Gerard to choose between you and Katrina.
Terrific! How do we make this happen? No, no.
It's not a good thing.
More often than not, when forced to decide between the mother and the wife, the son chooses the wife.
I don't like that.
Well, these kinds of conflicts can be unsettling.
No, I meant that magazine.
It called People.
It should be called People I Never Heard Of.
Congrats, Hugh.
Now you've heard Arthur's People magazine joke.
Arthur, you remind me of a new bestseller in the library: always checked out.
FYI, you might score more with sports references than library references.
Oh, Doctor, you have no idea how checked out he is.
It's one of the struggles of my life.
It really bothers you that much? It wouldn't bother me if you were that way.
How would you know? How would I know what? That was not a joke, sir.
Let me propose a little exercise for you, Arthur.
What if, every day, you ask each family member one question? Wow, that's a great way to be more involved with your family, Dad.
Well, Hugh's on board.
What do you say, Arthur? Would you like that, Marjorie? I would.
Does that count as my question to Marjorie? Sure.
Easier than I thought.
All right, I'll give it a try.
Wow.
That is what we call a breakthrough.
Good work, everyone.
Okay, I'm seeing it now.
Anyway, we are out of time.
That is the bad news.
The good news is all of you are fixed.
Just kidding.
I'd actually like to use all of you in a study.
Oh, real quick.
I do have one issue related to Katrina.
Now that I'm gonna be Gerard's best man, I feel a little conflicted about something.
You don't like Katrina either? Nah, it's not that.
Before she and Gerard started dating, I kissed her, and I've kept it a secret from Gerard ever since.
Thanks, Doc.
I feel better.
Okay, remember, when Gerard gets here, nobody say anything about me and Katrina.
I believe, and I think Hugh would agree and by Hugh, I mean my therapist, not me acting like my therapist.
Although, I am about to act like my therapist.
Secrets aren't healthy.
I think you should tell Gerard.
Ronny, Gerard and I are twins.
I don't want to jeopardize that.
Which is why we all vowed to take it to the grave.
When did we vow that? Oh, sorry.
You might have been in the ladies' room.
I'm gone for two minutes, and you're taking things to the grave? You guys leave me out of everything.
Sorry, Jackie.
We're gonna try harder to include you.
I promise.
In fact, you can lead the party cleanup! I'm gonna hold you to that, Ma.
Sean, Gerard will understand.
It was a meaningless kiss at a Super Bowl party.
And it was so long ago, I think I kissed a girl at that party.
I think that Ronny's right.
Maybe you should just be honest, just tell Gerard.
Are you just saying that so Gerard will get mad and maybe break up with Katrina? What was your reason? Hey, I have a question.
How's everybody enjoying the party? Arthur Hugh said you need to ask us each questions, individually.
And I'm pretty sure he meant that you need to stay for the answers.
Stay for the answers? Why don't I just quit my job and work on this full-time? Hey, everyone.
Oh, great Valentine's Day party, Marj.
Really cool.
And definitely not a weird thing to do after first grade.
Zing! Katrina one, Ma nothing.
Go on, Ma, hit it back.
Katrina, I'm glad that you're here.
Uh, it is important for Gerard that you are, and therefore, it's important to me.
Swing and a miss, Ma.
Hey, question, Gerard.
Did you get a haircut? No.
Stay.
What's this all about? Are you guys finally training him? My dad's been asking us all questions to be more interested in our lives.
Oh.
Well, try me.
Okay.
How about this weather? Come on, Dad, dig deeper.
What's a question that only Katrina could answer? I don't know.
Who's a better kisser, Sean or Gerard? You know, 'cause she kissed Sean at that party.
What? Oh, my God.
You're coming over here now.
You said I had to stay for the answer.
Gerard didn't know! How am I supposed to keep track of who knows what? I'm too busy paying attention to people.
You kissed Katrina?! We were all gonna take it to our grave.
I was part of it.
It was before you two were dating.
Yeah, it was at a dumb Super Bowl party.
Stacy and I were in the kitchen, and Stacy dared me to eat a pint of salsa or kiss the next guy that walked in.
And Sean walked in.
Ironically, to get more salsa.
You kept this secret from me all these years? I thought about telling you, but sometimes when you get upset, you tend to act kind of rash.
Oh, yeah? How's this for rash? The wedding's off! What?! Gerard! Wait! Hold on! So do you think they'll work it out? Oh, I feel terrible about this whole Gerard-Katrina thing.
I thought you'd at least be happy that he called off the wedding.
I thought so, too, but it's actually hurting Sean and Gerard.
I guess I was only seeing the positives of ruining my son's wedding.
Hey, Katrina.
Did you find Gerard? He's at his apartment, but he won't talk to me.
I mean, how can he call off our wedding? I mean, sure, I smashed faces with your Sasquatch brother for, like, two seconds but it wasn't romantic.
Really? Because your description sounds like a sonnet.
Zing.
Marj, I need your help.
Can you talk to him? Tell him to take me back? Why me? Because he listens to you.
I mean, I love him, but you'll always be his one true puppet master.
Are you saying that I'm the one who manipulates him? I'm saying you do it the best.
Well I don't do it for the compliments.
But that is nice to hear.
I will talk to Gerard for you.
Oh, thank you, Marj.
That was sweet.
Do you guys want to touch pitchforks to make it official? You know what? I'm his best man; I'm going, too.
I should probably go, too, in case of any emotional emergencies, or "emotioncies.
" I promise I won't say that again.
I'm going, too, because I'm more involved.
Hey, where we going? Okay, dishes are done.
Time to pass out Valentines! Oh, come on! What's he doing? Gerard likes to work out when he's angry.
Huh.
You'd think he'd be in better shape.
Go away, Katrina.
I don't want to talk to you.
It's your family.
And your ex-fiancée.
Why'd you all come here? To tell me Katrina made out with Ronny, too? Geez, Ronny, pick a side! Gerard, that kiss was meaningless.
I'm not even attracted to Katrina.
So you don't find my girl attractive? No, she's very attractive.
Whoa.
Pump the brakes, Sean.
That's my girl.
I I find her the right amount of attractive to boost your ego, but not attractive enough to make you feel threatened.
Then you and I are good.
But I don't know if I can forgive you for keeping this from me.
Gerard, let me tell you a story.
Before we were engaged, your father found out that I had once kissed Jimmy Flynn.
Was Arthur insanely jealous? Of course.
But he got over it.
Jimmy who? See? Completely blocked it out of his mind.
That's love.
I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
See? Your father knew he had no reason to be jealous.
Although, had I stayed with Jimmy Flynn, right now I could be part owner of his organizational store Jim Flynn's Bins and Tins.
Mom, that's a nice story, but emotions are complicated.
And I don't think even Gerard is rash enough to be swayed by Wedding's on! Oh, Ger-Bear! Sean, will you be my best man again? I do.
Marj, thank you for everything.
You're welcome.
You know what? Will you be my maid of honor? Uh There's got to be somebody else.
Well, it was gonna be my best friend Stacy, but she's real beautiful, and she might upstage me.
And I know you'd never do that to me, Marj.
Well, this wizened crone accepts with pleasure.
Aw! Well, easy.
My twisted hump is very brittle.
Well, I'm glad this all worked out.
Wait.
Where's Jackie? Oh, God! Not again.
She's gonna be crushed that we left her out of this.
Okay, we really need to do better at including her.
I mean, we didn't even invite her here.
She was one room away from us when we left.
We took her car! It was blocking the driveway.
Look, we did leave Jackie out, and I know this won't be an easy conversation, but we have to tell her what happened, and that we're sorry.
Or I have an idea where we don't have to have an awkward conversation, and we don't have to apologize.
Jackie, thank God you got our message.
I thought you guys ditched me.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Anyway, we're about to try and get Gerard and Katrina back together, which we've never done before, 'cause of course, we couldn't do it without you.
Here we go! Hope it goes well! What are you all doing here? I'm mad at Katrina.
Babe, please forgive me.
- Gerard, I'm not even attracted to her.
- Hey.
Okay, I'm attracted to her the right amount.
Here's a story: your father forgave me for kissing Jimmy Flynn.
Still don't know who that is.
Ma's right.
Wedding's back on! Now we hug.
Well, I'm glad this all worked out.
Wait.
Where's Jackie? I'm right here.
Sean, will you be my best man? I do.
Wow, that was amazing! And oddly efficient.
I'm so glad I was here for this moment.
Well, why wouldn't you have been? Geez, paranoid much? Oh, wait, one more thing.
Will you be my maid of honor? Well Oh, my God, yes! Thank you so much, Katrina.
Wait, but that's not what I Not what you thought she'd say? I think we're all a little surprised.
But the important thing is it all worked out!