The Millers (2013) s01e14 Episode Script

So, you think you'll be able to find the guy that broke into my car? We tried to leave the crime scene untouched.
Except for some powder on the dash when my mom tried to dust for prints using her makeup brush.
Well, we'll do our best to find the culprit, but, uh, with these small jobs, who knows? "Who knows"? Is that your new slogan? Schoolkids will be so inspired when across the side of your cruiser they read, "Leesburg Police, who knows?" Listen, I know you're upset, but, uh, I promise you, we're gonna do everything we can to find your extendable windshield scraper, memory foam steering wheel cover, pine tree air freshener that still has lots of good smell left and a book on tape by Suze Orman.
Oh, they can keep that.
She's terrible.
Well, like I said, we'll do our best, but, uh, these smash-and-grabs are hard to solve.
Hard to solve? Hard to solve? Thank you for coming, Officer.
Save yourself.
Then why bother, right? Is it too hard to increase patrols in the area or monitor the local pawnshops for the stolen goods? Are you guys too busy shoving bananas into each other's tailpipes? Excuse me.
Where I put my banana is You know what? It's just It's a reference to the movie Beverly Hills Cop.
It's just Well, I'll call if I hear anything.
Maybe we'll answer.
Who knows?! Okay, let's not beat around the bush.
It's my birthday week, and you people need to go shopping.
"Blue striped scarf from that kiosk at the mall.
"Parentheses, the sales girl has a big mole on her face.
"It is not food.
" "Don't tell her to brush it off.
" Mine says, "Spa massage and no female therapist.
" It's my birthday.
My piece of paper's blank.
That's because all Grandma wants from you for her birthday is a sweet little poem about anything you want.
Okay.
Stick to nature themes.
And I like an ABBA rhyme scheme.
And no cutesy made-up words-- it's a crutch.
Mom, the fun of giving a gift is having it be somewhat of a surprise.
I mean, it's bad enough that every time this family tries to throw you a surprise party, you figure it out and ruin it.
Well, I hope you liked your birthday dinner.
Guess now we'll just watch some TV.
Why don't you grab us a few drinks from the kitchen.
Nah.
Why don't we have it brought out by one of my standing in the kitchen! Aw! Nice try.
Okay.
She just went upstairs to use the bathroom.
Everybody take your positions.
Come on.
How you doing? This is This is so exciting.
Nice try.
Nice try.
Aw! I'm too smart to be fooled.
It's a burden I live with every day of my life.
Ten seconds into The Crying Game, I yelled out, "It's a dude.
" Hey.
Say hello to the two newest members of the neighborhood watch.
Hey, good for you, doing your civic duty.
Eh, with Nathan's car getting broken into right out front, we felt we should.
Plus, any organization that would kick your mom out, I want to be part of.
That's why I joined A.
A.
I didn't know the neighborhood watch kicked you out.
I was betrayed by Louise Templeton.
I don't know why those idiots listen to her.
For the past ten years, she's been outwitted by the same family of gophers.
Wow, it must be tiring always being the smartest person in the room.
Exhausting.
The bad part about my birthdays is knowing that I'm getting older and someday you people are gonna have to fend for yourselves.
I'll be up in Heaven, terrified to look down to see what you're doing.
Okay.
Huddle up, huddle up.
I'm telling you, this is the year we can finally surprise her.
Oh, I'd love to.
I mean, she always throws us such great birthdays; she deserves it.
And I'd love to finally knock that superior look off of her face.
I've never been in a huddle before.
Together, we can come up with the perfect plan.
Who's with me? Okay.
I'm in.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Nice try.
Hey, guys.
All right, Ray, do a sweep of the house for any signs of my mom.
I'm on it.
Adam, what are you doing to my father? Dad has a raisin stuck somewhere between his nose and his mouth.
I'm just trying to figure out whether he should suck or blow.
I'm telling you, I taste it more than I smell it.
Wait, why is Ray sweeping the house? Oh, because I was up all night devising a foolproof plan to throw Mom a surprise party.
No sign of Carol.
I even looked under the bed.
Adam, you're a weird dude.
That's mine, actually.
So, this year, instead of trying to outsmart her, we're gonna let her outsmart herself.
How, you ask? Every great plan starts with a ruse.
The morning of her birthday, we give her a cake to make her think this is her celebration.
If you wished for a hug from a tall handsome man who smells like vanilla and cedar, it's about to come true.
Mmm Then we act like the obedient sheep she expects us to be.
I love it.
That's the right one? I was nervous that I went to the wrong scarf kiosk run by a girl with a disgusting mole on her face.
Here you go, Carol.
Thank you, Ray.
Pepper spray? I know you weren't feeling safe after Nathan's car got broken into.
Look at the inscription.
"If you can read this, you are a rapist and about to go blind.
" Then we hit her with a little misdirection.
Later that day, Debbie arrives to take Mom away to her big spa day.
Mom, I've arrived to take you away to your big spa day.
Great.
Let me get my purse.
Oh, forget it.
Your money is no good here.
Neither is mine.
Nathan, credit card? Then we plant the bait.
Whenever we try to bring Mom somewhere on her birthday, she's nervous and mistrustful.
So, we just going to the spa? I wonder if I'll see someone I know there or So this time, we'll encourage her not to go somewhere and let her own stubbornness bring her to her party.
Nope, it's just you and me getting very long massages.
I want to be out of the house as long as possible so I miss the neighborhood watch meeting.
There's a meeting at our house? Oh, right.
Uh, they're-they're voting, uh, to put up the surveillance cameras in the neighborhood.
Cameras? Cameras? Of course they're using technology to do the work for them.
Like kids with their calculators and shoes with wheels.
Don't get all worked up, Mom.
It's your birthday, okay? Let's-let's just go to the spa and relax.
Yeah.
I've got a flask full of vodka we can put in the cucumber water.
Then we reel her in.
We all know Mom won't be able to relax.
Her only mission will be getting herself to that neighborhood watch meeting.
Maybe I should postpone this.
My vertebrae are feeling especially brittle today.
Plus, I skipped my bone density yogurt.
Okay, I think you're sturdy enough for a massage.
Last Easter, I saw you walk three blocks carrying a cross made out of railroad ties.
And then Debbie turns the screw a little more.
I'm just glad to be here with you instead of back at my house with Louise Templeton.
Louise Templeton's coming to the neighborhood watch meeting? Of course.
She's the president.
What?! I think she bribed the voters with her famous coconut-peanut butter crispy treats.
They're called Crispy Flabbergasters, and I invented them.
And then we have Mom right where we want her.
Carol.
Nice to see you again.
Aw, enjoy your massage, Mom.
Then Debbie leaves her car behind so Mom thinks she's still inside and rushes home on Mikayla's bike she stashed earlier.
Meanwhile, Mom will try to relax, but we all know that will be impossible.
Juan Mario, wipe the oil off your hands and toss me my panties.
Mama needs a rain check.
Mom will want to get to the meeting without Debbie catching her, so she'll find her own way back to the house.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Which way is the nearest bus stop? To make sure we time things right, we need good intel.
That's where you come in, Adam.
Adam will stake out the end of the block and tell us when Mom's coming.
Hey, Nate.
I'm in position.
Great.
I'll make sure to call you the minute that I see her walking down the street.
Sorry about yawning.
Adam, do not fall asleep.
Don't worry, Nate.
Despite my reputation as being a lover of car naps, I will not doze off, okay? I got my large full-caf latte right here.
And, since I've been drinking only decaf since 1998, if this car's a-rockin' I'm probably having a seizure, so please call for help.
Adam, buddy, you can't fall asleep, so whatever you do, keep the dial off NPR.
All right, we're gonna be waiting for your call.
You guys almost done with those balloons? Yep.
Your mom's gonna love 'em.
They say "Happy Hanukkah.
" What? Those aren't birthday balloons.
Ray, why is my mom gonna love 'em? These were half-off.
And there's only one thing a mom loves more than a bargain, and that's comfortable undergarments.
And I'm not ready to cross that line yet.
All right, check out this cake.
It's pieced together from four different bakeries so no one place would know the complete message.
Mm.
"No more Mrs.
Nice Try.
" Oh, you're trying to be witty.
Oh.
You are a cute kid.
I'm telling you, this is the year we're finally gonna surprise her.
Everything so far is going exactly according to plan.
I am just gonna go and say "hi" to all the guests.
Dad, where are all the guests? I don't know.
I assumed they were hiding.
Sorry I'm late.
If I were a big-breasted woman, riding this bicycle would be impossible.
If you were a big-breasted woman, someone would have offered you a ride.
Where is everyone? Yeah, I'm just trying to figure that out.
Dad, you invited everyone, right? I didn't know I was supposed to.
Are you kidding me?! You had one responsibility, Dad, one! I thought I was in charge of ice.
By the way, we should probably fill up the trays.
Oh, my God.
Dad, you ruined the party! I specifically told you that you were in charge of inviting the guests.
Remember? We were sitting right here watching Matlock.
Wait.
Nathan, you can't tell him something during Matlock and expect him to remember it.
Oh, the party's ruined.
I could pack this room full of ladies, but it's gonna cost you.
You know what? You know, maybe maybe it's not ruined.
I mean, we're all here, right? We got we got decorations and cake and presents.
Check it out; I got her a necklace with her children's birthstones.
That's not my birthstone.
Yeah, I got two of mine.
Nobody likes topaz.
Okay, right, I guess all we're really trying to do here is surprise her, so, yeah, I think we're good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's not panic, okay? We got a room full of people she loves, plus Dad.
I'll go get the cake.
What the? Care for some cake? I don't have my reading glasses.
What does it say? "Nice try.
" Were you trying to be? Witty.
Yes, I was trying to be This is unbelievable! I can't believe you figured this out! Hey, what's going? She's the Devil.
So when did you figure this out? You know what? I almost didn't.
I was pretty worked up about the neighborhood watch meeting until Juan Mario released a big knot in my back.
Ooh, yeah! And once I was relaxed, my brain went to work.
Great! Let me get my purse.
The first thing that was a little off was when Debbie asked for money.
Oh, forget it, Mom.
Your money's no good here.
Neither is mine.
Nathan, credit card? Usually when you give her money, you tack on a snide comment, like "Maybe I should change my name to Debbie since you always have my credit card.
" Or at the very least a "Ha, ha! I have more money than you!" But instead, you quietly reached into your wallet and gave her your credit card.
Then, when we were walking into the spa, I thought I spotted Mikayla's bike in the bushes.
But sometimes I think I see Dan Rather at the Food Lion, so I don't trust my eyes.
But what really gave you away was Debbie.
You know how when she lies she starts giving too many details.
So, for the meeting, Dad cut eight lemons, but Adam didn't think that was enough because people tend to really like iced tea, and they were expecting that white button-up shirt, dark blue jeans and those loafers he has-- not the brown ones with the buckles, but the tan ones without the buckles.
I guess he wanted to look nice for the meeting.
I'm just glad to be here with you instead of back at my house with Louise Templeton.
That's when I put all the pieces together.
Juan Mario, wipe the oil off your hands and toss me my panties.
I saw her car in the parking lot, but no bike.
I knew I had to get to the bus quickly if I was going to catch all of you trying to give me the surprise party I've always dreamed of.
And your look-out was a bad choice.
I'd say that it didn't take a genius to figure this out, but it kind of did.
I think Carol might be close! Damn it.
Way to go, Adam.
You fell asleep at the wheel, which, for most people, is a metaphor, but somehow you made it come true.
What are you gonna do next? Have this cake and eat it, too? Hey, you know what? Don't yell at Adam.
Just admit you had a stupid plan.
The only thing stupid about my plan was the partners I chose.
It would have worked fine if Debbie had been a better liar, or Dad could remember to do what I told him to do! Filling up the ice trays?! How would that have helped?! God help you people if I die.
I thought maybe this was the year I could stop worrying about my health.
Eat cake instead of salad, maybe smoke a little, find a crooked doctor and get some fun prescriptions, but no.
I got to stay healthy so I can keep taking care of you dumb-dumbs.
And that's the real present you want every year, isn't it? You love the ego boost of thinking that without you, we'd all fall apart.
Well, wake up.
You made us this way-- dependent on you.
But you know what? It's over.
Because from now on, I don't want or need your help.
I can't find my keys.
Thank you.
It was a good speech.
Shut up! Anyway, that's why I'm missing so many toenails.
Hmm.
Well, thanks for driving me home, Ray, but I would have been perfectly fine walking.
After Nate got his car broken into, no way.
Well, thank you, Ray.
I love your car.
It's so roomy.
Yeah.
You could fit another car in the back.
Mom! Nathan! Yes, Nathan! Oh! Oh! What were you doing?! I was trying to surprise you one last time! Oh! Look, I got you a necklace.
Why do you have to make everything so difficult?! Of all the different ways you tried to surprise me, why a carjacking? Well, I was desperate.
My plan had fallen apart, I just I walked out, I saw Ray's snow gear in the car, and I just thought I'd give it a shot.
Like most carjackings, it was a crime of opportunity.
Oh, my gosh, Nathan Miller from WXDN? You're my favorite reporter.
I didn't realize it would be so easy to recognize you just from your mouth.
Oh, great lips, by the way.
I'd love to watch you eat a peach in slow motion.
What happened? My mother pepper-sprayed him.
Okay, great.
You can come with me, Mr.
Miller.
I'll take you right back.
Here.
Hold my hand.
Oh.
Tighter.
Wait-wait a second.
Wait a second.
I-I got something I got to say to my mother before I go.
Mom, this is a hospital, and a lot of unexpected things can happen.
So I guess I just wanted one last chance to say surprise.
Surprise! Oh, my! Oh! Susan! Oh.
And Jimmy and Mary, you drove all the way from Myrtle Beach! Betty.
Betty, is that you? I thought you were dead.
Oh.
Oh.
And you're not really hurt? No.
The pepper spray that Ray gave you was just water.
I ordered it from an online joke store.
And, Debbie, you were in on this, too? No.
Kind of freaked out right now.
I'm very confused.
When did you start plotting this? From the very beginning.
The first thing I did was steal stuff out of my own car.
Then I hired a fake cop to come and take the police report.
However, there was a little confusion about what services I was hiring the fake cop for.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I kept everyone in the dark on my plan, because let's face it, I wasn't exactly dealing with the brightest crew.
Dad was right; I never actually told him to invite the guests.
Though we did watch an episode of Matlock, and it was surprisingly good.
This is surprisingly good.
The night of Mom's birthday, I switched out Adam's latte.
Hey, buddy, how about a hug good-bye? Oh, my God.
Nine years, and finally you asked me first.
The whole time, he was chugging decaf and warm milk.
I knew that Mom was aware of Debbie's bad lying skills, and my snarkiness when she asked for money.
So I exploited them and put her on the wrong track.
And then I used my connections here at the hospital to arrange this party.
Might cost me my job, but years from now, we're gonna tell our kids this story and laugh, right, Nate? I'm just kidding.
I'm very fertile.
All right, everybody, let's keep this party going across the street at McGee's Rib Shack! Be careful on the way out not to slip.
There was stabbing victim earlier who lost a lot of blood.
Well, Mom, even though I feel very used by my brother right now, it was worth it.
You finally got a birthday as good as the ones you've given us, and you deserve it.
Hey, after we eat some ribs, we're gonna go out and find the guy who did this to you.
You know what? Maybe Dad can get a CAT scan while we're here.
Honestly, are you a little disappointed that I finally outsmarted you? Maybe just a little bit? Are you kidding? This is the best gift I could have gotten.
Now that I know there's someone else smart enough to take care of this family, I'm not afraid to die anymore.
I can finally find out what a rave is all about.
That's great, Mom.
Happy birthday.
I love you.
By the way, I do not want to take over for many, many years.
Bye, Nate.
You owe me a dinner.
Just kidding.
Aah! Aah! Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, that little piggy went to Heaven.
Ooh, baby.
Nobody can ever know about this.