The Muppet Show (1976) s01e14 Episode Script

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star Miss Sandy Duncan! It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home, After my mother saw me, she went to the hospitaI, To introduce our guest star That's what I'm here to do So it really makes me happy To introduce to you Miss Sandy Duncan! Thank you, But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, thank you, thank you, Hi-ho, I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our speciaI guest star is a reaI good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan, And so that means our show tonight should be a reaI bang-up affair, Did somebody say "bang"? - Uh, no, Oh, I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here, In any event, let's start off the show with a musicaI number that was staged by our own gofer Scooter, It could be a bomb, but Did somebody say "bomb"? - Oh! Oh, no! Wow, Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie, OK, Here she is, a star who does it all, She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feeI good all over, Miss Sandy Duncan! Lost in a crowd Alone And drinkin' my third Hungry for company ♪ Can't think of the words ♪ Watchin' the boys, my heart in my hand - # What a misplaced pitifuI sight - # PitifuI sight Just a stiff upper lip who'll be knowin' tomorrow What she should have been sayin' tonight Won't you tell me what's a nice girI like me Doin' in a place that never closes? Well, I can hardly hear ya Holy Moses Lookin' so sad Now won't you tell me what's a nice girI like me Doin' by the dance floor after hours Dozin' over rows of whiskey sours - # Feelin' so bad? - # Feelin' so bad, so bad I'm feelin' so bad for me Whatcha doin' here, girI? Whatcha doin' here, girI? Now won't you tell me what's a nice girI like me Doin' in a place that never closes? I can hardly hear ya Holy Moses Lookin' so sad Now won't you tell me what's a nice girI like me Doin' by the dance floor after hours Dozin' over rows of whiskey sours Feelin' so bad? I'm feelin' so bad for me Whatcha doin' here, girI? Whatcha doin' here, girI? Thank you, Bravo! Bravo! - WonderfuI, Fantastic, - Tremendous, Yeah, you know, she makes me feeI like a young boy, She makes me feeI like a young girI, I think I'll go find one, Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend, - What? Would you lend me a fiver till payday? Fozzie, you already owe me five, - Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beazley, The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he? Well, we worked out a good deaI, You pay him by the line? - No, I pay him by the laugh, Oh, Then he owes you money, Oh, that was cute, That was reaI cute, Frog! The spoons, English word - here the moo-fin, See the moo-fin? For the hooI, the boomer shootin', That's make der hooI, we throw der hoop, Here we throw hoop, Mm-hmm, That's very good, This were the hooI, Hoop! That's weird, We throw der hoop, This were the hooI, Doo-nut, OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy, You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" Yeah, you're right, He doesn't need an introduction, He needs an act, In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week, Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any, I'll let Fozzie handle you guys, Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr, Fozzie Bear! Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you, Hey, love you, Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight, Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them, Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each, Ha ha! Oh, I'm rolling now, I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll! Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here? Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch? Oh, nice segue, - Smooth, Good blend, Hey, hey, These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says Listen to Fozzie, Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand, Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beazley, Not the legendary Gags Beazley? - You mean, you've heard of him? Well, who hasn't? - Me, for one, But Gags Beazley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music, He wrote the famous banana sketch, The banana sketch, What's the banana sketch? You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest What's? Oh, oh Oh, hear that? Great, great, - Oh, boy, I killed 'em, Oh, boy, Yeah, I closed with the banana sketch, you know? Fozzie, what is the banana sketch? You never heard of the banana sketch? - Um Hey, guys, Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! What's? I think somebody's pulling my leg, Somebody is pulling my leg, It's The Great Gonzo, You never heard of the banana sketch? Will you cut that out! Yeesh, You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards, Why, were they dirty? Where'd you say you were born? - In Paris, Oh, How'd you do that? - The usuaI way, My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast, - 'Cause the sand is so hot? - No, 'cause the trees are so far apart, Do you remember where we first met? - Yeah, At the hop, You know, I'm falling for you, - What can I do? Get out of the way! Wanna join me? - Yeah, Backwards, Excuse me, Sideways, Ohh, Oh, that was fun, Excuse me, Pardon me, - Huh? You talkin' to me? - Yes, I couldn't help noticing that you're crying, Of course I'm crying, I feeI sad, I mean, wouldn't you feeI sad if you looked like me? I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look, Oh, you're just saying that to be nice, - No, No, I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people, Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away and flowers wilt, Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you? Oh, yeah? Well, watch this, Hello, flower, See? - Yeah, Gee And then see this dog over here? - Uh-huh, Hello, doggy, But I'm not running away, I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump, So there, Well, it's true, You're not, A beautifuI lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me? Yeah, I just don't like seeing people cry, I think there's too much sadness in the world, You know what? If people just took a little time to look past the physicaI, they might find a lot of beautifuI things about you, Oh! I feeI so good, so so loved, so so beautifuI! You see? If we feel beautifuI, we are beautifuI, Oh, I feeI beautifuI! Hello, flower, Hello, doggy, I feeI beautifuI! Do-do-dee-doh-doh Hello, fountain, Oh, thank you, beautifuI lady, - You're welcome, Oh, dum-duh-duh Hello, pavement, Hello, grass, Oh, my, You mustn't look so sad, Oh I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautifuI as a morning sunrise, On the other hand When life seems full of clouds and rain And I am filled with naught but pain Who soothes my thumping, bumping brain? Nobody When winter comes with snow and sleet And me with hunger and cold feet Who says, "Here's two bits, go and eat"? Nobody I ain't never done nothin' to nobody I ain't never got nothing from nobody no time And untiI I get something from somebody sometime I don't intend to do nothin' for nobody No time When I try hard and scheme and plan To look as good as e'er I can Who says, "Look at that handsome man"? Who does? - # Nobody When all day long things go amiss And I go home to find some bliss Who hands to me a glowing kiss? Nobody, - Right, I ain't never done nothin' To nobody I ain't never got nothing From nobody no time And untiI I get something From somebody sometime I don't intend to do nothin' for nobody No time Hi, everybody, - Hi there, Oh, dear, I should have warned him, Never smile at a crocodile No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile Don't be taken in by his welcome grin He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin Never smile at a crocodile Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while Never run, walk away Say, "Good night," not "Good day" Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr, Crocodile You may very well be well-bred Lots of etiquette in your head But there's always some speciaI case, time or place To forget etiquette For instance Never smile at a crocodile No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile Don't be taken in by my welcome grin I'm imagining how well you'd fit within my skin Never smile at a crocodile Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while Never run, walk away Say, "Good night," not "Good day" G'night! - G'night! Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr, Crocodile Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch? You know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk, I enjoy it, yeah, - Hey, Sandy, Hey, Kermit, Yeah, hi, Fozzie, - Hi, Fozzie, Hi, Oh, boy, do I have good news, You can't stay long? - No, No, I got plen I got plenty of time, That's bad news, What's the good news? - Oh OK, Frog, see, the good news is that I have a great idea for a sketch Oh, - for both of us to play, You want to do a sketch with me? - No, not you, With Sandy, With me? Oh, that's a - Yeah, Well, that sounds great, Fozzie, - Yeah, Who wrote your sketch? - Oh, my writer, the legendary Gags Beazley, Oh, come on, Fozzie, Gags Beazley is your writer? - Come on? You know him? - Well, I Of course I know him, I mean, you heard of Gags Beazley, He wrote the famous banana sketch, - That's right! Wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute, Not you, too, Sandy, - Huh? Well, tell me, what is this banana sketch? You never heard of it? Come on, Kermit, Everybody's heard of the banana sketch, - I told you, Kermit, You know something? - What? Gags Beazley, I can't believe he's your writer, Yeah, yeah, yeah, - You know something? I am impressed, Fozzie, Really impressed, Mm-hmm, - Yeah, It's a reaI classic, this banana sketch? - Yeah, And it was written by Gags Beazley? - Yeah, How does it go there, Sandy? - I mean, "Gags," "banana," The words - synonymous, right? - Right, You can say that again, I gag every time I hear about this sketch, Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack up, Me too, - Do you? Does it make you laugh? Oh, stop, Listen, hey, Fozzie - What? What? What? Do you use a green banana or a yellow one? Oh, yellow, Yellow, Yeah, A yellow one, I love it, Hey, wait, wait, Hold, hold on, Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold! Hold! Hold, Hold, Wait a minute, Wait a minute, I'm sorry, - Sandy, Sandy, please, please, pretty please, Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please, What? - What is the banana sketch? Go on, tell him, Go ahead, tell him, Tell him, Tell him, - You wanna tell him? You tell him, You tell him, You tell him, - OK, I'm gonna try, Yeah? - OK, Well, all right, All right, Like, these two banan These two bananas are walking down the str I can't stand it, - It hurts to laugh, Tell me the truth, Statler, Do you get the banana sketch? No, I get The New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Sorry I asked, Here's a Muppet news flash, Dateline, Dallas, Texas, Mrs, Billie Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered the Guinness Book of Records by establishing the world jumping-in-place record, Mrs, Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped 652,000 times, - 652,00 1.
- Mrs, Bonkers, 652,002.
Mrs, Bonkers, do you need any speciaI incentive to keep you going? Oh, my, no.
I have all the incentive that I need.
Uh, how's that? I am standing on a hot plate.
Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! 652,003 Truly a courageous and inspiring story, Where do we get these nuts? OK, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital, Veterinarian's Hospital.
Oh, frog of my life, please tell me what they're saying about you is not true, What's that, Piggy? That you, you host of a television show, veteran of the boards, you have never heard of the banana sketch? Uh, "Piggy," said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cooI and looking like a bad sport, "there is no banana sketch!" "There never was a banana sketch and there never will be a banana sketch!" Whew, - Touchy, touchy, Hey, which way to my dressing room? And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator, And now "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Well, what do you think, Dr, Bob? This is your first transplant, Well, there's always a second chance, But what if he doesn't make it, Dr, Bob? I don't mean him, I mean me, Let me check into something, The old ticker still sounds great, Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine? No, I mean my new watch, I dropped it in when I was sewing him up, So Dr.
Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest.
Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr.
Bob say.
Well, let's look on the bright side, At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went, That's wonderfuI, wonderfuI, right, Statler? Good grief, did he jump? Try to remember The kind of September When life was slow And oh, so mellow Try to remember The kind of September When grass was green And grain was yellow Try to remember The kind of September When you were a tender and callow fellow Try to remember And if you remember Then follow Follow Follow Try to remember When life was so tender That no one wept Except the willow Try to remember When life was so tender That dreams were kept Beside your pillow Try to remember When life was so tender That love was an ember About to billow Try to remember And if you remember Then follow Follow Follow Well, once again it's time to fold up our tents, but before we go, we'd like to give a speciaI thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan! Thank you, Thank you, Kermit, I want you to know I had a good time, - Oh, me, too, Hey, and you know how some shows give their guest star a dozen roses at the end of the show? You shouldn't have, - I didn't, Hey, banana boy! Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine, It's all right, I love it, I love all of you, - Yeah? Yeah, well, I hope that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! Thank you, Well, how'd you like the show? Maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it, Have a banana,