The Muppets (2015) s01e14 Episode Script

1 - (Zoot snoring) - Hmm? - Zoot? - Whoa, sorry, Father.
What are you doing here this early? Oh, I tried to leave last night, but the sign said "Fire Door.
" - I didn't want to risk it.
- Hmm? Hey, why are you here? Well, I'm getting set for a visit from my nephew Robin.
Yep, see here? Check this out Got him his own director's chair.
- Huh, sweet.
- Yeah.
You know, his parents split up this year, and I, uh, think he could really use a good time.
Cool.
Nothing fixes a broken home like a chair.
Scooter, I can't believe all these snacks are free! Oh, yeah, yeah.
This is where I do all my grocery shopping.
I'm gonna start with the sweet, and then I'm gonna go with the salty.
Oh, here we are.
Gee.
Where's Uncle Kermit? - I don't know.
He was here a sec ago.
- Whaah! - Aah! Whoa, Monday fun times! - Aha! Gotcha! Whoops.
Sorry, I didn't mean to cuss in front of a child.
- Oh, come here, Robin.
- Oh! Uncle Kermit! Aww, it's so good to have you here.
Come on in.
- I'll get this, Robin.
- You got that? Thank you Scooter.
Wow.
I sure do love coming to your set, Uncle Kermit.
- Yeah? - Oh, look at your office.
- It's so huge! Oh, wow! - Uh, yeah.
Look at this chair! (Grunts) I can't wait to hang out with you and Miss Piggy! Whoa! Oop! Well, it's gonna be a little bit of a different trip for Robin since Piggy and I are broken up.
Robin and Piggy have developed a special friendship over the last couple years.
But I've got some fun stuff planned for just us guys.
And we can finally go out for barbecue - with a clear conscience.
- Ooh! Hey, Robin.
I'm not sure Miss Piggy's gonna be able to hang out this trip.
Why not? - Well - Oh, I know.
I mean, I saw in one of those grocery-store magazines that you guys broke up.
But, uh, Mom told me that those tabloids are just filled with lies, like Princess Diana's ghost did not marry that alien.
- They're just living together.
- Uh, yeah.
Well, that 'Cause the only thing that got me through last year was knowing that you two are still together.
The only the only thing, you say? Yeah, well, that and the doctor telling me you can go through a growth spurt in your 30s.
(Sighs) Hey, Robin, are you okay? - Uh, sure, Uncle Kermit.
- Yeah? - I mean, it's been tough, yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, my Chewbacca action figure got left on the dashboard and his head melted? Oh, well, that that That's rough, too.
Yeah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Uncle Kermit.
What were you saying about Miss Piggy? - You see, it's just that Piggy and I - Robin! - Welcome back! Whoa! - Whoa! - Oh, man.
- Miss Piggy.
Scooter! What the heck are you doing on the floor?! - Picking up my snacks! - You nearly broke my neck! - Miss Piggy, are you okay? - There's never snacks I am fine now that you're here.
- Aww, gee.
- Oh, this is for you.
Oh, gee, thanks, Miss Piggy.
How are you? I am wonderful.
I went down to Argentina, and realized you don't need a man You don't need a man because Well, because you have a frog, right? - What? - Pucker up, Piggy! - Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, of course.
You're right.
We we shouldn't do this in here.
We should do it outside! What?! Okay, Robin.
Just make yourself at home.
- What is happening? - We'll be right back! Whoa, a pashmina that says "People's Choice Awards" and a do-it-yourself waxing kit? I couldn't get to the store! Thank you! (Ding) Ooh! Yeah! - Unh! - Oh, Kermie! Oh.
It's time to get things started.
Ha ha ha! Robin's divorced father's head melted on his dashboard? - Shh! Shh! Shh! - That's horrible! Piggy, you really have to listen to all the words.
Uh, look, I don't know what I was thinking in there.
It's just, for a second, it seemed like a good idea to pretend we were still together again - just just for his sake.
- What? But I'm sorry.
It's a bad idea.
- I'll just I'll just go tell him.
- No, no, no, no,.
I I I get it.
- And I might be able to agree to that.
- (Sighs) For his sake.
Just for a day.
But what about your child-bride girlfriend? Won't she get mad and uninvite you to prom? (Laughs) Well, the tr the truth is that actually, uh, we Denise broke up with me.
- What?! - Shh! Shh! Shh! - I had no idea! I I I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, well, it's fine.
I'm worried about Robin.
- He's watching us! Hug me! - Oop! Aah! Uh, uh, thanks, Piggy.
Um, should probably get those waxing instructions away from Robin.
They're (Whispering) kind of explicit.
(Whispering) Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, and we'll talk later.
Oh, no, no.
Robin, don't eat that! (Sighs) - Oh, good morning.
- Hola.
Hey, listen, I used a little bit of your hair gel.
I hope that's okay.
What? No.
The Latin Miracle Gel is for thick, spicy hair like mine.
On you, it will clump and get sticky.
Oh, yeah.
I think I'm stuck to my box of cornflakes.
- (Laughs) - Oh, come on! This is nuts! Wait.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! What is that what is that music? - What the - What? (Music continues) What is that? (Inhales deeply) (Clucking) They look like they're stuck together.
Maybe he used some of your hair gel.
No, no, no.
It's the couples' yoga.
A beautiful thing between a man and a woman, but really weird between your blue roommate and a chicken.
Things have really changed here since Camilla moved in.
Boy, that's for sure.
She was living it up in Vegas as a showgirl.
I heard she dated the tiger that ate Roy.
Yeah, which is pretty risky, 'cause he had a gambling problem.
- It's a disease.
- Yeah.
- (Grunts) - Aah! - Wha - Ah, nuts.
(Sighs) - Unbelievable.
I'm gonna make an omelet.
- You want some? - I don't know.
It just seems like eating eggs these days is so confrontational.
- Si.
- You know, Camilla really messed things up for us.
I think she said something about staying home tonight to watch "Chicken Run" again.
Eh, who can tell? It's just a series of "Bawks.
" - Yeah.
- Hey, don't mind me, fellas.
I accidentally just slipped and kneed Camilla in the dark meat.
I got to get some ice.
Hey, Gonzo, are you coming to the bar tonight? Oh, sorry, guys, but Camilla wants to stay home and watch "Logan's Run.
" Ah, "Logan's Run.
" (Sighs) Make mine a Denver! - You got it.
(Laughs) - (Grunting) - Go, go, go, go! - (Barking) Yeah! (All groaning) - Aw, so close.
- Okay, okay.
This one's for the championship.
All right, and (Barking) - Yay! - Ohh! Foo Foo! He got the ball.
He's happy.
Morning, everybody.
(Scattered greetings) Uh, listen, guys.
I have a favor to ask of everybody.
Um, my nephew Robin is visiting.
And, uh, he's kind of having a rough time at home right now, so if there's any way you guys could just act like Piggy and I are still together, just until I have the right time to break the news to him, I'd appreciate it.
Act? Yes! That would be fantastic! It'll be a good chance for me to practice my acting.
Uh, like this.
(Clears throat) Luke, I am your father.
I'll have what's she's having.
You had me at hello! Eh? Eh? What do you think? - Uh - Uh, okay.
I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
- Stop it.
- (Laughter) - Uh, hey, listen, Kermit? - Oh, yeah? I want to help, but I just can't lie.
I break out in hives, and then I have to say I'm allergic to strawberries, which makes it worse, because I love strawberries.
Okay, well, don't lie.
How about this? Scooter, Piggy and I are back together.
(Gasps) I knew it! I sensed some romance when Piggy face-planted in your office this morning.
- Yes, yes, love won out.
- Mm-hmm.
So, everybody, look, if you don't think you can do this, I understand.
Just steer clear of Robin, okay? - Okay.
- Uh, hey, everybody! (All stammering) Uh, anything but vegetarian chili.
- Okeydokey.
- Okay.
Kermit, here's my cellphone.
If Leonardo DiCaprio calls while I'm in the monologue.
Pull the fire alarm.
My agent's trying to set us up on a date.
You're going on a date? A date - ton, Ohio, charity trip.
Yes, yes.
- (Exhales sharply) That city needs our help, 'cause 'cause it's, uh, in Ohio.
Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) Somehow, we've managed to keep the secret from Robin all afternoon.
My co-workers? Well, they're doing the best they can.
Den de fur is datin de froggen.
No! Issa fur de piggen! - Mm, mm, mm! - Chef! I can't understand a word this guy says.
- (Slurping) - Thank goodness.
This is the third-least-important secret I'm currently keeping.
(Laughter) And now for Round 2 of "Friendly Feud.
" Team Electric Mayhem, we polled six people and asked, "What is the most popular flavor of iced cream?" - Ooh.
- Here is a hint.
You were the six people we asked.
- (Laughter) - Oh.
Most popular flavor of iced cream.
- Janice? - Um, I try not to eat ice cream, because I think it's mean that they keep cows in a freezer.
Cows are lab experiments by the government.
That's why there were no cows before 1972.
I challenge you to find me a cow born before 1972.
No, just say a flavor of iced cream.
Rhymes with "schmanilla.
" - Uh leather! - Schpatachio! - Woman! - Good answer.
Good answer.
No, it is not a good answer! The correct answer is vanilla! - Oh.
- The capital of the Philippines? (Laughter) Hey, Pepe, you know, now that we lost Gonzo, we got to find a new wingman.
I mean, if it's just two of us, it's awkward.
Si, si, because two people is a couple or the surviving members of an aging rock band.
Three that's a posse.
Maybe what we're looking for is right here under our noses.
Oh, I-I don't have a nose.
I smell through a hole in my knee.
- Ew.
- But I get it.
Let's look around.
- Good night, guys! - Well, gee, Uncle Kermit, people were acting kind of weird today.
No one really talked to me.
Oh, that's great.
Uh, I mean, uh, everybody's just exhausted - from working so hard.
- After party at Rowlf's.
No plus-ones.
This is my time.
Ooh, that sounds like fun, Uncle Kermit! Uh, listen, how about we go play laser tag instead? - Oh, that sounds great! - Good.
Hey, guys, you want to come play laser tag? No, no, no, Robin.
Uh, they're all busy and have fulfilling lives! Well, I don't.
My fish died.
I hugged him too much.
I'm available.
It's one of Becky's five quiet nights a week.
Yeah, and if I stay home tonight, I've got to watch my mom and Ken practice active listening.
Ooh, hey, Miss Piggy! You're coming to laser tag, right? (Chuckling) Oh, sweetie, the only thing I use lasers for is burning weird things off my body.
I don't think tag is for me.
- (Lasers firing) - Fear me! Oh, no! We need backup! They're everywhere! (Whimpering) Okay, go, go, go, go! Okay, Robin.
We've got Viking Family.
Okay.
You go for Red-Headed Kid.
- Oh, but he's already out.
- Oh, please.
He's got an "I Love Canada" hat on.
Light him up.
- Okay.
- Let's go, let's go! Aah! You know, I did not expect to like laser tag.
But for somebody like me, who bottles up all of her emotions, this feels really good.
- Hey, are you Miss Piggy? - Hyah! (Laughs) Uh Uh, well, never meet your heroes, you know? - Yes! - Sorry.
Ohh! Oh, that was close! Oh, hey, you! I'm so glad you guys are back together.
What do you mean, "back together"? (Lasers firing) - Hey, I'm on your team.
- Oh, sorry.
- Must have slipped.
- Yeah.
Hey, look, a news crew's here! - What? - Yeah, they must have seen my tweets about you guys being back together.
I got a ton of new followers.
It's gonna drive so much traffic to my Pinterest page on miniature horses! - Guys? Hey, where'd they go? - Oh, gee, I don't know.
- There they are! - Get them! Okay, fellas.
Congratulations on being selected as the top three contenders in our wingman search.
Si, si.
It means you are the best from the pool of candidates.
Mm-hmm.
- A very small pool.
- Yeah.
Like a thimble left out in the rain.
Well, I'm the obvious choice for wingman, because I have wings.
And my condo has a roof deck made of twigs and my saliva.
- Ew.
- Well, I'm just glad to be here.
I've been warming up to this by switching my GPS voice to a woman.
Sometimes I make a wrong turn and we laugh.
- (Laughs) - Oh.
Oh, good Lord.
Aah! (Munches) Okay, guys, listen up.
The winner of this wingman challenge is the one of you who can charm those three ladies over there into hanging out with me and Pepe.
Wait a minute.
That's Lara Spencer from "Good Morning America"! - No, really? - What? No.
- Can't be.
That's her? - I had no idea.
Pepe's been flirting with her for a while, but he ain't sealed the deal.
Si, si.
Lara sends me flirty tweets, and I send her pictures of me sailing around the world on my yacht.
Yeah, right.
He gets in a toy boat in the bathtub - and Photoshops the background.
- Hey, come on.
I get 30 minutes in the bathroom, and what I do with it is my own business.
Okay, okay.
Here they go.
Why is Chip chewing on ice? You know he always gets the brain freeze.
- Oh, no.
- (Wheezes) - Oh, my God.
- (Groans) Hey, Spencer, I ain't shaving nothing.
Let's get that out of the way.
(Burps) - This is a disaster.
- Ugh.
I need a drink.
- Did you see my wallet in there? - Mm.
(Sucks) There you go.
You like wet puppies, Lara? Ahh! Whoo! - (Lasers firing) - Are the reporters still there? Get down! (Both breathing heavily) Hey, Piggy? You know what this reminds me of? That time you accidentally performed for that dictator's birthday party.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
We ended up hiding in his pile of stolen art.
Yeah.
There was that populist uprising, and we found that great ceviche.
Oh, yeah.
It was fantastic.
Wow, that was wonderful.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, if there was anything left of that city, - I'd go back in a second.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
Uh (chuckles) Uh (clears throat) well I, uh I don't really see anybody.
I think the press might have left.
- Stay low, Scooter.
- Yeah.
Come on.
We we should probably go find Robin and get out of here.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Let's do that.
Kermit, Piggy, we hear that you're back together.
Is that true? - Uh - Uh The world wants to know.
Is it? - Uh, no.
- I-It was a misunderstanding.
Yeah, just a mistake.
- Oh.
- Oh, Robin, I am so sorry.
Robin, we didn't We did we did (Both sigh) No! You've made me the first person in the world to lie on Twitter! - Robin! - Robin? - Robin, where where are you? Robin? - Robin, sweethe Oh, boy.
Come down, and I'll give you my Academy Awards gift bag.
Does that one have candy? Oh, sweetheart, that was gone by the car ride home.
Uh, Robin, we are so sorry.
You know, we shouldn't have kept the truth from you.
It's just that, with everything you've been through, we just wanted you to have a nice visit.
You know, I'm sad that my mom and dad broke up, - but I get why they aren't together.
- Oh? My mom likes quiet nights in, and my dad likes my teacher.
Oh.
You really grew up a lot this year.
But you guys You guys are meant to be.
- Oh, Robin.
- I mean, I know you fight, but come on, everyone knows you belong together.
- No, no, we don't.
We really don't.
- No, no, not at all.
It's hard to understand if you're not an adult.
I I just don't like that everything's changing.
Well, I mean, not everything.
You know, you'll always come to hang out with us, - and Piggy and I are still friends.
- Yeah.
And, uh, hey, I-I'll always be your Uncle Kermit.
And I'll always be your Aunt Miss Piggy.
Aww.
Gee, I can call you Aunt Piggy? Really? You can call me Aunt Miss Piggy.
And any time you're a little down, just turn on your TV, and I'll be there.
Unless it's a rerun or the Summer Olympics are on.
That does kind of make me feel better.
Uh, thanks Aunt Miss Piggy.
(Sighs) Yeah, thanks.
You know I had a feeling that something was up when Fozzie said Kermit and Piggy are broken up and then whispered, "I see dead people.
" Now, come on, everybody.
Let's go get three milkshakes.
- And whatever you guys want.
- (Chuckles) (Sighs) (Sighs) - Bawk.
- Huh? Really? - Buk.
- Well, I do miss Pepe and Rizzo.
And I would like to have a night out with them.
Aww, Camilla, thank you so much for understanding.
Bawk.
(Mid-tempo music playing) (Slurred) You know, maybe I will become a priest.
- What? - Si, really, really.
It's just another kind of turtleneck.
(Sighs) You know what? I miss Gonzo.
Hey, remember our trip to New York, when he impressed those broads by bungee-jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge with plain rope? (Both laugh) He didn't even know what bungee jumping was! Si, si.
He's so stupid.
- Ahh.
- I I love him.
I love him.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, guys, I think your friends are leaving with those three ladies.
- What? - What? Lara, Lara, Lara, where are you going?! Oh, these guys are hysterical.
I'm taking them to karaoke on my party bus.
- What? - Pepe, a word of advice.
Love the bathtub photos, but eventually you do need to take a lady on a date.
Aw.
What?! What What is hap What happened? Oh, you know, you don't expect somebody who does news reports about dresses you can swim in to have a party bus.
- Hey, guys, you mind if I join you? - Gonzo! Ha ha! Hey, hey, I love you! - I love you! - Oh, Pepe, good to see you.
- I love you.
- Hey, Gonzo, what are you doing here? Si, si.
Don't Don't you and Camilla have a couples' cooking class to sign up for and never go to? Well, just because I'm with Camilla doesn't mean we can't still hang out.
- Aw.
- She can even help find some ladies.
She has really cute friends.
Oh, well, that's sweet and all, but what do you say - we just make this a boys night? - Si.
- Huh? No, no, we love the Gonzos.
Uh, but we're not so into the chicken thing.
- No, no, no, no.
Now, I don't want - Right? Am I right? You're right.
You're not wrong.
- You are not wrong.
- No.
I just don't want to date no girl I could eat.
That's why I don't date snails or anybody who smells like street pizza.
(Laughs) Tha That's why you don't date date snails? Well, they're also slimy, and they don't reciprocate the emotional stuff.
(Laughs) (Slow-tempo music plays) (Slurping) - (Sighs) - Whoa, go easy there, Scooter.
- I'll go easy when life does.
- Hmm? Uh, that music's not helping, Rowlf.
Hey, I found out I got worms.
This is just where I am right now.
(Both slurping) - Ahh.
- Ahh.
Mmm.
- May I? - Hmm? Oh, sure.
Piggy, why is it everybody is so obsessed with us getting back together? Beats me.
But I don't know if we'll ever stop hearing about it.
Yeah, I doubt it.
I mean, we have amazing chemistry onstage.
- That's undeniable.
- Oh, no doubt.
That is true.
And I think that's probably part of it, you know? But, you know, the other thing is, I always hear anything to last this long, - there's obviously something there.
- Something there.
(Chuckles) - (Sighs) - Right.
Hmm.
("As Time Goes By" plays) - Oh.
- Oh, no, please.
- No, no, you.
- No, you have it.
- It's fine.
That's fine.
- Okay.
You must remember this A kiss is still a kiss - Not helping! - Not helping! A sigh is just a sigh - (Clucking sadly) - Oh, no.
Gonzo's friends aren't coming over.
They're the only reason I put on clothes today.
Today's my naked day.
Hmm.
Now what are we gonna do? Let's have an ironic pillow fight, like in all those movies made by men.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Yeah Uh-huh, yeah Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh, yeah Uh-huh (Both laugh) Wait, these pillows feel like memory foam.
So where are all these feathers coming from? Oh.
Bawk! Oh!