Whitney s01e14 Episode Script

Hi.
Hi, babe.
Hey, we went ahead and ate without you.
Oh, sorry, after work I got dinner with Craig and they had karaoke, so I did a couple songs.
I went hard at lady antebellum and bombed.
[Phone vibrates.]
Oh, that's weird.
Oh, that's Craig.
- Weren't you just with Craig? - Yeah, he's such an idiot.
What? Okay, why do you want to know my shoe size, you psycho? I'm a 10.
Okay, that myth is not true, because I actually have a very small penis.
Good-bye.
Pfft.
What? Craig was buying me insoles.
This Craig guy's buying you insoles? Yeah, my feet are killing me.
High heels are evil.
Whoever invented these things were trying to make women easier to catch and drag back to their caves.
He said he was in the drugstore and he thought of me.
Okay, you don't think about a girl at the drugstore unless you're sleeping with her or you have an unfortunate souvenir from sleeping with her.
This guy knows you have a boyfriend, right? One that looks, and may possibly be, tough.
What are you guys implying? That Craig's interest in you doesn't stop at your feet.
It travels due north from there.
And then it goes slightly South.
And then it goes back up north.
And then it goes east-west, east-west, east-west.
- Okay, we get it.
- Mark.
Sorry.
Craig and I just work together.
Yeah, but you don't just work together, you know.
He gets you stuff, he calls you after work, you guys do karaoke.
It seems like if it were switched, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Okay, you're being insane.
Craig and I are just friends.
Yeah, what's this friend look like? I will show you.
And you will see that Craig is just Craig.
You have a picture of this guy in your phone? Okay, he was wearing a boat-neck sweater, what was I, not going to take a picture? Glasses.
Smart guy.
They're the worst.
They can't get in your pants, so they get in your brain and they work their way South.
And then they go back up north.
And then they go east and west and east and west.
Mark.
This is ridiculous.
There is nothing going on.
Craig has a girlfriend named Marcine who he's been with forever.
"Marcine"? Yes.
I mean, that's obviously a name you make up when you're lying.
Alex, seriously? Seriously.
The weirdest part is you and Craig would totally love each other.
You know what? Let's do a dinner, you, me, Craig, and Marcine.
No, I do not want to do a dinner.
It'll get you out of game night with Lily and Neal.
Okay, I'll do a dinner.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, so What is it about couples after they've been together for a year? Their need to host game nights becomes all-consuming.
Don't chat me up.
We're not on the same team.
Well, how do you know? Because we're going to play holes versus poles.
I want to win, and I cannot win with a woman.
Well, that might have more to do with your use of phrases, like, "holes versus poles.
" Think about it.
Have you ever seen a woman win jeopardy!? Yes, I have.
I'm not saying that women are dumb.
I'm saying they're too smart.
They overthink everything.
Largest animal? "Um, that depends.
Are we talking land or water? Height or weight?" [Buzzer sound.]
Eeeh! Time's up.
Blue whale boom.
Okay, Neal and I are engaged, we're a team.
No.
Mark, you are comfortably in your '30s.
Skooch, skooch.
Just don't slow me down with your Slovaries.
- And go.
- Candy.
- Uh, cane.
- Yes.
- March.
- Madness.
Yes.
Pig.
- Skin.
- Got it.
- Spike.
- TV.
Yeah! That's how it's done.
Our work's cut out for us, partner.
Yeah.
I'm not worried at all, partner.
- Nope.
- All right.
Go.
Oak.
Tree.
Nope.
Uh, place.
Forest.
[Clears throat.]
Baseball.
Bat.
No.
Come on, Neal.
You're all over the map, here.
Okay, let's not panic.
Central.
Cent well, now you're just sayings words.
That's what this game is.
- And that's time.
- Ah.
On her yogurt! How many times are you going write your name on yogurt? I know! So, uh, it's so weird that you guys have never met before, because you guys both come here all the time.
Oh, Marcine and I love this place.
Oh, and by the way, I'm so sorry that she couldn't make it.
Yeah, me too, you know, and then when you showed up and you said she was sick, I was like, "no.
" You know, you guys both created websites.
Before Craig was at the magazine, he had a website too, so tell him about yours.
Oh, yeah.
I have a video sharing website.
Oh, that's so cool.
Oh, I just built one for Obama, because he's a friend.
Brendan Fraser slept with my ex-girlfriend.
Um, you guys both also play guitar.
Don't you play guitar? Oh, yeah, that That was years ago in school.
Well, I was just self-taught.
Oh, that that sounds fun.
Because Juilliard was a real grind.
Oh, by the way, how is your dad feeling? Oh, he's so much better, thank you.
Whoa, what happened with your dad? Oh, he had to go to the emergency room, but it turns out it was just heartburn.
When? Why didn't you tell me? I told you, it was yesterday.
Didn't I tell you? No, you didn't tell me.
Oh, it's just that my dad's been feeling sick too.
Oh.
My mom's going through menopause.
So, we're just kind of taking it day by day.
Got the seafood tower for two And the personal pizza.
Thanks.
- That looks good.
- Yeah.
I never get to order this.
Marcine hates shellfish.
Uh, so does Alex.
Uh, Whitney can I give you crabs? Both: Too late! Ha ha ha ha.
Awesome, wow.
An std joke about my girlfriend.
Alex is jealous of Craig? Are you talking about Craig from work or Daniel Craig? It's so weird.
And Alex is never jealous.
I'm the jealous one.
I mean, now I know how annoying it is to date me.
This must be about something else.
My advice, get ahead of this, because it will only get worse.
You're going to need to dig deep and do the hard work.
Ugh Sex in the morning? No, I was talking about couples therapy.
My friends went to this guy, saved the relationship.
He was totally on her side.
Good, because I'm not going to therapy unless I know I can win.
Hey, partner.
Nice win last night.
Now do you see how idiotic your theory is about women playing games? It can't possibly be as idiotic as his theory about how women can't be lactose intolerant because they produce breast milk.
What? You can dish it out, but you can't take it? And it's more than a theory, ladypants.
It's precisely why we won.
Because Roxanne may look like all woman, but she thinks like a dude.
What? Excuse me? I said Jedi, you said knight.
I said rose, you said bowl.
- You're like 90% dude.
- I am not.
You're drinking straight vodka.
You eat ribs like a Wolverine.
I mean, look at how you're sitting.
Okay, in her defense, she's trying not to squish her balls.
I sorry.
So, we are practicing for a game night rematch? Yes, that was embarrassing.
God.
Roxanne and mark are more in sync than we are, and we're the ones getting married.
It's just a game.
Who cares? Uh, no.
It shows that we're on the same wavelength.
And why wouldn't we be on the same wavelength since we're spending the rest of our lives together? Okay, ready? I feel a weird pressure about this.
Good.
Ready? First clue.
Ah.
Relief.
No, it's museum.
How is that museum? What is, "ah"? Appreciating the art.
Okay, nobody appreciates art that way.
I would just nod.
Hmm.
Okay, well if I heard, "hmm," I'd think "judge," so that's not a good clue.
No, it's not.
They're both bad clues.
Louvre is a clue for museum.
Okay, shh.
Peek-a-boo.
- Baby.
- Not even close.
So, the dinner clearly didn't help.
So, my friend Roxanne told me that, well, that we should come here and talk to you and get to the bottom of this, so here we are.
Well, you've been talking with me for 27 minutes, which tells me volumes more than the actual words that you've spoken.
So, Alex.
When she talks to you, do you listen? Yeah.
Yes.
Well, what was the last thing she said? "There's a parking spot.
" Alex, what what do you feel the problem is? Uh, Whitney's suddenly interested in this douchebag.
Mm-hmm, well, what I'm hearing is that as I dig through the salad of words for the crouton of truth that your emotional needs are being met by this fellow, Craig, instead of by Alex.
In fact, you're, pretty simply, having an emotional affair.
Emotional.
What a waste of an affair.
I'm going to give you some exercises to do at home and when you're doing these exercises, they will restore your intimacy and your communication.
The only thing is, please, while you're doing them, um, nothing sexual, because that would spoil the intimacy.
So, just start and begin the first exercise, all right? It's designed to find out how comfortable you are with each other's silences.
So I'm just going to ask you now, please, to embrace for one minute.
And, uh, no talking.
Whitney.
Embrace.
Good.
Just experience each other.
Now, can you feel yourself coming together? Oh, that almost never happens.
So this is weird.
Okay, so this is supposed to make you feel vulnerable so you can receive my intimacy.
Ugh.
Why don't you just get in the tub - so you can receive my intimacy? - Gross.
We're not allowed to have sex anyway.
It is one of the rules.
No sex, no cell phones, no TV, no computers.
All right, well, whatever it is, let's just do it.
And we're going to need rope.
Do you always shed this much? Okay, so you have to wear these noise-canceling headphones to figure out how I'm feeling based on my body language.
Okay.
You ready? I can't hear you.
Can we keep these forever? Ooh, you're feeling angry.
Okay, um, okay, I got it.
I'm glad that the dry cleaner got a stain out of my favorite shirt.
Uh-oh, somebody pissed you off.
Okay, no, it's it's a good thing.
It's I'm glad.
You feel that fashion magazines set unrealistic expectations for women.
No, I like it.
I I love it.
Oh, you're livid.
You're livid.
What? Damn it, I'm happy, I'm happy.
Oh, you're happy.
Lil, do you think I'm like a man? What? Where is this coming from? Mark says I'm like a dude.
Well, you know, it depends.
You are a beautiful female.
Although, you do possess what some might call, "a wonderfully masculine strength," and Oh, for God sakes, Lily, don't overthink it.
Just, do I act like a man? I like to have you near me when I'm in crowds.
All right, eye of the tiger.
Let's do this, man.
And go.
Ringmaster.
Hm, okay.
Well, you know what? I guess that depends, because are you talking about a guy who's a master at making rings? - Or a guy who introduces clowns? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to go with Elijah wood.
No.
- And time.
- Ah! It was circus.
[Gasps.]
Okay, are you ready, focused, connected to me? I'm on your wavelength, hon.
Go.
- Ding.
- Elevator.
- Yes.
Harp.
- Massage.
Oh, my God.
Reluctant.
- Warrior.
- Thunderstorm.
- Candle.
- You get me! Oh! [Both laughing.]
They're really good at this, huh? Babe, come on.
The whole thing here is you got to trust me.
So, just listen to my voice as I guide you across the obstacle course I made you, all right? Take five steps straight forward.
All right, either you don't trust me or you want this to last forever.
All right, take a small step to your right.
Okay, we have bigger problems.
You don't know your left from your right.
Okay, I thought you meant your right.
You don't even know where I am.
[Phone rings.]
Whoa, who trained you, and who is your target? It's Dr.
Grant, but we're not supposed to answer the phone.
Which means you shouldn't, which means you're probably going to.
Hello.
[Voicemail.]
Hello, this is Dr.
Grant.
If you're listening to this automatic message, then you are not committing to the exercises and you need to go back and start from the beginning.
And remember, no sex.
Why did you have to pick it up? I do not want to be washed like a dog again.
Well, then maybe you should stop jumping out of the tub.
Okay, score recap.
Team Marxanne, 8.
Team wedding bells, 34.
What? What are you doing? Why are you throwing this game? What? I'm not.
I'm just trying to tap into my feminine side.
If I'm throwing this game, I'm throwing it like a girl.
Oh, come on.
I didn't say you look like a dude, you just kind of act like one.
Which is good.
Guys find that very sexy.
- Oh.
Oh, really? - Yeah.
It actually makes you more attractive, not less.
I meant it as a compliment.
Doesn't that make you feel better? Kind of.
I mean, it would mean more if a man told me that.
What's that supposed to mean? I just think you have a lot of feminine qualities, mark.
You know, you journal, you self-tan.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here I'm guessing you wash the gray out.
It's called, "just for men.
" Good day, sir.
All right, holes versus poles.
Oh, um, mark.
Not to be all p.
C.
Here, but could you not call me a "hole.
" Oh, no.
We're the holes.
I do see how that could be confusing, though.
Okay.
Team meeting.
I need you to bring it.
I cannot and I will not lose to Roxanne.
You got nothing to worry about.
I memorized all the cards.
What? You're cheating? No, I am surviving.
If we lose, I got to hear all about our connection and how we don't understand each other.
Oh, yeah.
That is the worst.
Hey, do you feel like I have a lot of feminine qualities? Okay, this is a good one.
No props.
Tell your lover a story that you've never told them before to see each other in a new light.
Your turn to go first.
Okay, I got one.
Uh, when I was in high school, uh, our bus broke down and we got stuck in You hooked up with that bald chick.
She had peach fuzz, but anyway, um Okay, um, I got another one.
In my sophomore year in college, I actually got arrested, and what happened was You stole the Bob off the Bob's big boy, and you threw it off the library.
Damn it.
It's okay, it's fine.
Okay, just do another one.
Okay.
Oh, I got a good one.
Did I tell you about the time I met Lou Reed? You met Lou Reed? Oh, my God.
That's crazy, what happened? You know what? You're mocking me, all right? What what are you doing? This is pointless.
This whole thing is pointless.
I guess I ran out of stories.
Okay, Alex, it's not a big deal.
This doesn't mean anything.
No, this whole thing is stupid, all right? Why don't we just move on to the next one and cover our naked bodies in hot fudge.
Okay, okay, no.
Just put your shirt on, let's just talk about this, okay? What are you so upset about? I'm not upset.
I'm just thinking that fudge will make one thing about me interesting to you.
Alex.
Look, a long time ago, when we first started dating, you said that if we ever got bored to just put a bullet in the relationship and move on.
Well, you know what? I'm worried.
I'm worried that you've gotten bored.
Oh, my God.
I'm not bored.
Really? Because for the first time in three years, I feel like somebody's more interesting than I am.
I mean, I never made a website for any president or anything like that.
I mean, I totally could, I'm smart enough.
Look, I did say that, but that was three years ago.
I had never been in a real relationship before.
I didn't know what I was talking about.
Three years ago I wore cut-off Jean shorts with tights underneath.
Man, never has such an easy girl been so hard to have sex with.
Look, I'm not jealous of Craig, all right? I mean, I wish him well.
Him and his imaginary girlfriend.
Look, from now on, I will share everything with you, okay? Even if I'm at work.
Everything.
All right.
Well, that backfired.
You know, we kind of got through our exercises, so, uh, want to go celebrate with some tub sex? That sounds cold.
And like there would be a lot of apologizing.
Yeah, you're probably right.
You know what would be even hotter? I think I do.
Uh, you thinking what I'm thinking? Boring sex in our boring bed.
Do I get to keep my shirt on? I'm going to go pee.
[Phone rings.]
So we all of the exercises, and we are all good now, thanks to you, so thank you.
Good.
Well, what I'm hearing, as I dig through the salad of words in search of the crouton of truth, is that you would benefit from a series of exercises from my best-selling book, refresh your love.
But doc, you already assigned us the exercises we did them.
We're, uh our love is refreshed.
Well, don't worry, because we can fix that.
No, we don't need fixing.
So, moving on to the second series of exercises outlined in my book, refresh your love No, look, Whit, I think you and the doctor are having a communication breakdown.
What? You're right.
And I know exactly how to deal with this.
Alex, time us.
No talking.
Bring it in, come on.
Okay.
Ahh.