Worst Week s01e14 Episode Script

That's a nice, tight spiral, Chad.
It's easy when you got gigantic hands.
Sam, you're keeping up better than I thought you would.
I spent a fair amount of time on the gridiron.
Come on, being in the band doesn't count.
Not in the band.
- Got away from me there.
- Not a problem.
All I'm saying is I think Dr.
Royce wanted to tell you the sex of the baby.
And, mom, Sam and I want to be surprised, and it would be great if you would respect that.
And I do.
Of course I do.
I just think that, you know, if I knew and if you knew, and if your aunt Lorraine and a few other of my closest friends knew, then - we could get a jump on things.
- Mom, drop it.
Consider it dropped.
Why do you have to be such a little Jerk? So when do Sarah and the baby get back from New York? Not until monday.
You know, I Miss them like heck, but I've had a chance to spend some real quality time with my boy.
Took a couple days off and taught him some rudimentary sailing knots.
This guy here is quite a dad.
And I'm sure that when your little one comes along, he'll be more than happy to give you a few pointers.
What makes you think i'm gonna need any pointers? - Well, just a hunch.
- Incoming.
I wasn't.
I had my you know, a lot of guys can throw it hard and short.
It's the deep ball that separates the wheat from the chaff.
Well, I can throw the deep ball.
Not sure you can catch it.
Hold my Blackberry.
Let it rip, Barbara.
- Keep up.
- Far enough? - Deeper.
- Far enough? Deeper.
- Oh, my god! - What did you do? I got it.
-= 114 =- " The Sex " VO By : ¤AkaZab¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
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No, no, don't worry, Dick.
We found the school no problem.
- We're here.
How is Chad? - He's fine.
The doctors are amazed.
A normal person would've been laid up for months after an accident like that, but they think that they're gonna be able to send Chad home tomorrow.
He's like the six-hundred-dollar man! Tell him everything is good and not to worry.
We'll get Scotty, take him home, get him fed, and put him down.
Not kill him, put him to sleep.
Not put him to Put him you know, have him go to the sleepy place.
You know what, I think maybe I better come home and take care of that.
No, I got it under control, but thank you.
Okay, bye.
Chad's fine.
You know, I got to tell you, it's starting to bother me that your dad doesn't think i'm good with kids.
I know you are, honey.
Oh, god, this place is so Chad.
It's like a Chad factory, right? - May I help you? - Yes, hi.
I'm Mel.
This is Sam.
And we are Scotty Fleming's aunt and uncle.
We're here to pick him up.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm headmaster mulvany.
We love Chad and Sarah.
I asked her.
She totally likes you.
It's our conversational Latin hour.
One of our many enrichment programs.
You know, if you want your little one to have a spot here, I suggest you submit an application the moment you leave the delivery room.
We will.
Excuse me, or should I say I will homeschool our child before I send it here.
It's getting late.
I think I better call the kids.
Clayton residence.
So it looks like it's gonna be a little longer than I thought.
Well, do you think that you could handle putting Scotty to bed? - Yes, I can, I can handle that.
- Remind him not to hurt the boy.
- I heard that.
- He said he heard that.
Good.
Okay, thanks, Sam.
We'll be home as soon as we can.
So there goes Mel's obstetrician.
I'm gonna say hi.
Dr.
Royce.
Dr.
Royce, hi.
I finished Mel's ultrasound hours ago.
What are you still doing here? Well, I left, and then on the way home, I hit my son-in-law with my car.
He's fine.
But, you know, I was talking with Melanie after her appointment.
And you know what? She's changed her mind.
Now she wants to know the sex of the baby.
Mel isn't the one who wants to know the sex, is she? I'm but you know what? It'll just it'll be our little secret.
Well, you know, I can't give out that information, but there is something I can tell you.
When I looked at the ultrasound, there was one body part that I did not see.
Please don't tell me it was the brain.
No, Angela, the penis.
A boy with no penis.
The locker rooms are gonna be a nightmare.
Angela, she's having a girl.
- Really? - Yes.
But you cannot breathe a word of this to anyone.
A word of what? Aunt Lorraine, it's Angela.
I just guess what I just found out, and you cannot breathe a word of this to anyone.
The end.
So the lesson there is, if you have a giant snake living in your grandfather clock, you should call a professional.
All right, time to go to sleep.
- Good night, buddy.
- Good night, uncle Sam.
I did something bad.
I asked Mel's doctor about the sex of t the baby, and he told me.
You know they don't want to find out.
That's a huge violation of their privacy.
- It's a girl.
- I was hoping it was.
- Now, we can't tell anyone.
- And I haven't.
- It's done.
- Yeah? - He's on his way to dreamland.
- See, my dad doesn't know what he's talking about.
You are gonna be a great father.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Well, my mom said they won't be home till late.
How we're gonna pass the time, but I'm gonna think about it while I'm taking your pajamas off.
Yay, wrestling! Dreamland? Seriously, how long does it take you to get dressed? - I'm trying to find my other sock.
- Socks? Hey.
Sam, there is a picture of all of this naked pregnant stuff out there.
- You go and you get that camera.
- Don't think that kind cold.
I'm sorry it took so long at the hospital, but Chad needed an ear, nose and throat specialist, because all those were horribly injured.
- Jeez.
- How's Scotty? Nothing, bed.
Be he's in bed.
So I actually heard something.
Thought it was.
Gonna check on him.
You know what? I'll do that.
He poor Scotty's been having terrible dreams lately, and I think that maybe this situation requires a grandmother's touch.
Or an uncle's touch.
- That sounds wrong.
- Good night, Sam.
Hey, little mister, what are you doing up? Wha Seek your destiny.
"Seek your destiny"? Honey, let it go.
There's a very damning photo of us out there we got to get to.
- I wonder how we look.
- Okay.
Let go find out where that little curly haired pornographer keeps his camera.
Hey, good morning.
Hey, good morning.
How'd you two sleep? About an arm's length apart.
She really likes her space, this one.
How about you? I was so bushed from that ordeal at the hospital, I fell asleep in Scotty's room.
I had the craziest dream.
There was this fat man standing over me, holding an Umbrella, talking about my destiny.
Fat? - Really? - It's so vid in my mind.
I've been trying to think about what it could mean all morning.
Was he smiling? The person in your dream? Sometimes when people smile, they'll stick their face into their neck like this, you know, creating the illusion of neck fat.
- Yeah, I don't think he was smiling.
- I bet he was.
Hey, honey.
Come on, finish your breakfast.
It's almost time for school.
- My magazine.
- I'll get it for you.
That's okay.
I've got it.
No, that's fine.
I've got it.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy.
What you up to? Remember last night you took that crazy picture of us wrestling? - Weird.
- Yeah, it's in my camera.
- Yeah, where's that camera? - You can't touch it.
- Why? - It's a kids' camera.
- I'm like a big kid.
- Big, fat kid.
Hold on a second, mother.
Scotty, get your things together and meet me at the front door.
- You don't want to be late for school.
- Okay.
Bye.
Yeah, well, before you go, and You know, I really shouldn't be telling you this, but we found out about the sex.
Melanie's having a girl.
I know.
I'm just.
I'm thrilled.
But listen, you really can't tell anyone.
They want it to be a surprise, okay? Good.
All right.
Bye, mom.
- What's the sex? - Well, that just means whether you're a boy or a girl.
- So auntie Mel's having a girl? - Yes, indeed she is.
But, Scotty, that has to be a secret.
So I'll tell you what.
If you keep that secret until you're 16, grandpa will buy you a car.
- Okay.
- All right, let's go to school.
- It's definitely not in his room.
- It's not in the living room either.
I saw playing with garbage outside.
I go check there.
I'll go check in my mom's room.
While you're there, I think I dropped some cherry-flavored chapstick.
Okay.
I'm addicted to that stuff.
- Mom? - Just a minute, honey.
Come on in.
Do you mind if I look around in here? I lost something.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead, honey.
- Okay, thanks.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, I'm just tired.
Honey, it's me.
Come down to the front door.
- What? Where are you? - At the front door.
All right.
I just found these sitting here.
You told your aunt Lorraine.
She was dying to know.
- We agreed not to tell anyone.
- Don't start with me.
Your mother called to congratulate me on my new granddaughter.
The old bat she just can't keep her mouth shut.
Okay, well, get rid of them before the kids see.
- Here comes Sam.
- Come on, inside.
This way, this way.
Careful.
- What are you kids up to? - Nothing.
And you? Nothing new.
You took Scotty to school this morning, I heard.
That must be an adventure.
Not really.
He just was, you know, in the in the back, you know, in the Way in the back Taking pictures of the back of my head with his, with his little camera.
He really has a knack for catching you at awkward angles.
He sure does.
So he probably just left it in the car there.
No, no, actually, he took the camera into school.
- School, cool.
We should - Go to lunch.
- Brunch.
Bye, dad.
Yeah.
- Wait, okay.
So you guys.
You guys going through the dining room to the front door, then? - Thought we might.
- Okay.
- Hey, what's with the basket? - Someone died.
What'd you do with the balloons? Maybe they're at recess or a finance seminar.
I'll check his cubby.
That a cubby.
Are you kidding me? There's no nametags or anything? Riley? - That's headmaster Mulvany.
- Go, create a distraction.
I am back, because I love this school, and I wanted to see it again, you know, because I love it so much.
Well, it is not uncommon for prospective parents to - catch the Barrington bug.
- I got it.
Walk with me.
I'll tell you more about our school.
I'd love to.
Well, I managed to round up most of them with my high duster, but there is that one stubborn pink one in the corner.
And I don't know what we're gonna do about it.
Hang on.
- You can't fire that off in the house.
- It's only a BB.
- Well, I found that very sexy.
- Did you? Let it ring.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
Sorry.
Chad, hi.
Yeah.
Sure.
We'd love to, yeah.
Okay, we'll go right away.
You sound great.
Okay, bye.
He sounds terrible.
He says he forgot he's got to go to this thing at Scotty's school, and so he wants us to go.
But I thought that, you know, we were going to you'll get your prize later, sharpshooter.
Hey, there.
Sir, what are you doing in the lower school boys' room? School brought me in to check the cameras.
That one seems to work.
You're a very handsome boy.
Oh, my god.
Stranger danger.
Wait, wait! I'm not a stranger, buddy! So here's an informational dvd about the campus, narrated by none other than james earl jones.
- Not an alum, just a fan.
- He'll do anything.
If you'll excuse me, I have an assembly I need to get to.
What are you doing here? I Sam and i, we just we loved it so much that we came back for a tour.
That's great.
Where is Sam? He went hey, come on, it's not what you think.
- There he is.
- No, god.
No, I'm not a pedophile.
Hey, guys.
He's one of the hall monitors here.
I'm Sam Briggs.
I'm Scotty Fleming's uncle.
- We'll see about that.
- He takes his job very seriously.
You guys have your hall passes? 'cause he might come after you.
Do you know these people? It's my aunt and my uncle and my grandma and my grandpa.
I see.
Why am in trouble? I didn't tell anybody about the sex.
- Oh, my god.
- Scotty, what do you mean "the sex"? That it's a girl.
Auntie Mel's having a girl.
How would you know that? I heard grandpa tell nana on the phone.
- Dad? - I - Your mother got it out of the doctor.
- Mom, how could you do that? - Can I go back inside? - Yes, Scotty, go on inside.
How did you.
So a-are we having a little girl? - I guess we're having a little girl.
- We're having a daughter.
You back off.
I am still mad at you.
Maybe we should just go in and have a look at Scotty's family photo display.
Family photo dis.
Oh, my god.
Family photos? This is my grandma and my grandpa.
Up next is my aunt and my uncle - wrestling.
- Excuse me i'm just gonna take this.
Oh my god.
Finished, the letter of apology.
Gonna head out and make copies, and I'll give it to all the parents.
Dick, I know that you have your doubts about me as a dad, but I want you to know that when this baby comes, i'm not gonna make any mistakes.
- Of course you will, Sam.
- No, I - I'm not.
- We all do.
Melanie is 31 years old.
I'm still screwing up with her.
How mad is she, by the way? She's upstairs picking out a bunch of pink things with Angela.
I think you're okay.
I can't believe i'm having a daughter.
You're gonna love every minute of it.
All right.
And by the way, Scotty.
Don't worry about him.
I had a talk with him.
He still thinks we were wrestling.
Well, if he ever becomes a wrestler, he's gonna be pretty disappointed.
- Look who's back on his feet.
- Hey, man.
- You're looking good.
How you feeling? - Like I got hit by a car, Sam.
- Where Scotty? Was he too much trouble? - No, no, god, he was great.
We've been playing.
I'll go get him for you.
You just stay right here.
- And we're back to the hospital.
- He shot me.
- We need to create a tourniquet.
- What no, not the arm, not the arm! Team Subs-Addicts'