30 Rock s01e15 Episode Script

Wow, this is an honor.
I am friends with number four on Maxim's list comedy.
Thanks.
At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me.
But then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard.
Funny! What is that, baby oil? Actually, they use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen.
This is ridiculous.
What does any of this have to do with comedy? Ya burnt! Listen, I just I wanna make sure you're not gonna regret this, you know? Because it's not just cute guys that buy these magazines, it's teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the Y.
Liz, posing in Maxim is a great career move.
There's no shame in it.
I'm laughin', I'm horny, let's do this! Put the chicken near your mouth.
Awesome.
Oh! Well, you look happy.
Somebody just have a root beer float? No, Josh's contract is up, which means it's time for my favorite thing in the world, negotiation.
The essence of capitalism.
There's nothing like it.
God, I wish there was something I could negotiate with right now.
Hey, Jack? Just a reminder, I need a couple minutes to go over breakage today-- how's noon? Can't do that.
Make it 4:00 AM.
That's no good.
What about after rehearsal? Stop insulting me.
Midnight.
You bring the coffee.
That's my final.
Done.
Wow, you do have a talent.
I can't wait to go mano a mano with Josh.
Right, I think you mean mano a toddler.
Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid.
Please go easy on him.
I'll try to remember that when you and I meet with him later.
What, me? No.
Don't make me be part of this.
Lemon, I would like to teach you something.
I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
No, Jack, I don't wanna learn about negotiation.
I just want Josh to stay.
The show needs him.
Lesson number one, you don't need anyone.
Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers 12 to 24, which is important to advertisers, because young women will buy just about anything.
These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power.
But whatever Josh brings to the show, he's still replaceable.
He's not replaceable as my friend.
He's not your friend now, he's your opponent.
He's going to try to grab all the marbles, and it's our job to hide them.
That's not how you play marbles, Jack.
But that's how you keep them.
Yo, remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help gettin' all that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today.
Say word? Word is bond.
I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great! We should treat ourselves.
Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi? Nah.
I don't even use the ones I have.
We could add someone else to the entourage.
That's a good idea.
Yo, what's young Larry doing these days? He's in Jay-Z's entourage.
What about Cheese? He's rolling with Ghostface Killer now.
Fatballz? Studying hotel administration at Cornell.
Well, go ahead, Fatballz! That's a good program.
Hello there, Mr.
Jordan.
Mr.
Slattery, Mr.
Griswold.
I picked up your lunch from Sylvia's.
Extra cornbread because I know you like it.
Like it? I love it! I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
Pregnant cornbread.
K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage? Well, that sounds like fun! What would I do? Well, let's see.
Dotcom does the driving and the cooking.
Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over stimulated.
But I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.
The sun'll come out Tomorrow Tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow Fa la la la There'll be sun This is a really special day.
Just thinking about to-- Nice.
Yowza.
Isn't it great? These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where's Jackée? Jenna, have you read your interview yet? Oh, no.
Did I come across as interesting? 'Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
No, you come across as crazy.
Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops? What? I didn't say I hate the troops.
but it's just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.
No, Liz, he heard me wrong.
You know that I love the troops.
Do you remember that fleet week after I broke up with David? Oh, God, this is bad.
Nobody reads the articles in these things, right? Maybe no one'll pick it up? These Hollyweirdos from La La Land like Jenna Moron-ey are just un-American! So we are calling for a boycott of NBC, General Electric, and their parent company the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation.
Jack, I was misquoted.
This is my fault.
I never should have let her do this Maxim thing in the first place.
We're going to nip this thing in the bud.
Jenna is going to make a public apology tomorrow on Hardball.
You know what that is, don't you? Yes.
Should I prepare a song? I really can't wait to renegotiate your contract.
Thank you, sir.
What? Hey.
Does my vulva look swollen? Come here.
I just wanna warn you as a friend about this contract thing.
Jack is gunning for you.
Really? Don't worry, you're not going anywhere.
Jack said advertisers love you, because you test great with women 12 to 24.
Which advertisers? Could I get free Choco Sticks? Just don't be pushy about your contract, and I promise we will get through this.
Yeah, um Alan actually told me not to talk to anybody about this.
Alan? Who's Alan? Jacuzzi, the whole nine yards.
Jack.
Jack Donaghy.
Alan Steiner.
Good to see ya.
I'm Josh Gerard's agent.
Oh, really? Listen, I'd love to grab a little face time with you re: Josh's contract offer.
We've got some serious troubs, my friend.
We are not smiles-times.
I'm sorry to hear that, Alan.
What your skedge mañana? 'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.
My skedge is wide open, Alan.
Hasta mañana.
What a man, what a man what a mighty good man Mighty mighty good man Yeah! So, entourage, what's on the schedule for today? I have us penciled in for Halo.
I love Halo! I love Halo so much, I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant! Why are you guys laughing so hard? That's the same joke Mr.
Jordan said earlier.
I don't think so, K.
'Cause I like to keep my material fresh.
I like to keep things fresh so much, that I wanna take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Whoa, who just killed me? That's never happened before.
I did, Mr.
Jordan! That's impossible! I've beat all the world's best players.
Grizz, Dotcom, my publicist, my stylist Oh, well I just killed you again! You're cheating! And I don't wanna play no more! I hate this! Grizz! I think it's best you come sit on me.
And I just want the troops to kill everyone and come on home.
Pretty good.
But this is Hardball, Jenna, so you might wanna be more specific.
You could say that you support the troops, but you feel that the war was poorly planned and started under false pretenses.
And that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama Bin Laden.
Liz, I'm just worried that I'm gonna sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey, would Sharon Stone worry about that? Mm-mm.
Would Richard Gere? No.
Then you go out there and you voice your opinions like a star.
Okay, what are you gonna do if they ask about '08? Well, of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president.
Ugh.
No, Obama.
You support Barrack Obama.
Remember, you liked those pictures of him at the beach? Oh, right.
Obama, what is he, Hispanic? No, he's black.
And he's running for President? Good luck.
Is this new furniture? This is my negotiation set.
What? Gentlemen, please sit down.
All right, let's skip the foreplay and get right to the penetraish.
Josh is looking for a 15% raise, a two-pic guarantee from Universal, and time off for every Jewish holiday no matter how ridiculous.
I mean, Yaznach is coming up.
That seems pretty reasonable, right, Jack? Here's my counteroffer.
One dollar.
What? Oh, boy.
That's absurd.
You know what's absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.
What, we were just being silly.
My offer is now 75 cents.
Tic toc tic toc tic toc.
It keeps getting lower.
I think we should take it.
Relax.
Look, Jack we know about the testing.
Women from 12 to 24 love my guy.
Who told you that? Oh, Liz did.
Shut up.
What? That was privileged information.
That's what I thought.
Awse.
We are back in the game.
I knew you weren't ready for a big chair.
Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk, man.
Oh, I've had this conversation before.
You're marrying my mom, aren't you? No.
It's about how you're treating Tracy.
You're beating him at Halo, you're not laughing at his jokes.
He's the king around here.
You gotta respect that.
Oh, my gosh.
I had no idea I was causing a problem.
Hey, I got next game.
Hold up.
How are you beating Kenneth, Grizz? I don't know.
If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by the transitive property, you should beat me too! Have you been letting me win? Just at some things.
Things? Plural? What is the world's only egg-laying mammal? The Easter bunny! Right again! That's a green pie piece.
Amazed.
Raaah! Yeah, what, cat? Yeah, Dotcom! Yeah, Grizz! Have you two been treating me like this all this time? Like a child? No no no, I won't stand for this.
Entourage disbanded! Oh, my.
Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say.
She supports the troops.
Well, here's a question, Chris.
Why do we care what she thinks about anything? This woman strikes me as another empty-headed self-involved member of the Hollywood ignorati.
You know, for someone who's super super hot, you're really cranky.
I have just as much right to my opinion as you or Chris.
I'm not sure you do.
You've been on the show for 20 minutes now.
You sang six bars of something called Muffin Top.
Thank you.
And then told a disgusting story about Fleet Week.
I guess this is the state of political discourse in this country nowadays.
And that's fine, let's just embrace it.
Let's have our policies determined by former Cable Ace Award nominees.
First, I was great in that Arliss.
Second of all, if they president is so serious about the war of terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barrack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America.
That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.
Oh, no comeback? Ya burnt! Hey, Jack, I was totally gonna call you.
Which of your massive screw-ups should we discuss first? How about the Jenna situation? That is taken care of.
I have written an op ed piece for the New York Times under Jenna's name in which I put the media on trial.
Boo! Here's the plan.
We're gonna take Jenna, put some flags behind her, have her sing a song that rhymes USA with "Make them pay," dress her in an eagle costume, and we're gonna call it a salute to the troops episode.
Okay.
Moving on, Josh Gerard.
I had him right where I wanted him.
Until my partner stabbed me in the back.
I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to give my friend a head's up.
Why can't we all just sit down in normal chairs and figure this out? Suri, is Josh in yet? Josh isn't coming in today.
He's sick.
He said he was throwing up all night.
A sick out? I didn't think he had it in him.
What are you talking about? He's faking.
He's gonna stay home until we give in to his demands.
No, Josh could not come up with a sneaky plan like that.
He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding.
He's probably just sick because he's stressed out about his job.
Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good? You know what? If my friendships and my job are in compatible, I choose my friends.
And right now, I am going to get some chicken soup from Josh's favorite place and take it to him and say that I hope he feels better.
Do you ever get any emails other than from match.
com? No no, don't look at that.
Aaah! Damn it! Close, right? Feel like I'm above the rim.
Can't palm the ball.
Sir, I think you made a mistake firing Grizz and Dotcom.
They just wanna make you feel better about yourself.
They disrespected me.
But don't you miss them? You're the only one I can trust, K.
You're my whole entourage now.
Oh, I'm not so sure I can handle that.
Yes, you can.
Because you were honest with me.
I don't need a couple of yes-men.
I need the truth.
Well, if that's the case then you should know that you're never gonna dunk this basketball.
Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate.
And that lady you European kissed last night was actually a gentleman Okay, that's enough.
Oh, here comes one right now.
Excuse me, do you work for NBC? Oh, no, I was just passing through there on my way to church.
Well, are you interested in taking back your country? Am I! Then join here tomorrow night for a protest against the freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and TGS! There will be snacks! I will definitely be there.
Large chicken soup to go, please.
John and I saw your tape.
Very very impressed.
You seem like a perfect match for The Daily Show.
We are always looking for new correspondents.
Josh? You stupid turd.
Hey! Liz.
This is Yeah, I can guess who this is.
Are you trying to get on another show? Behind my back? Look, Liz, I'm sorry.
It's just business.
No, it's not business.
I stood up for you.
You were opening for a puppet when I found you.
How could you betray me like this? You know, that's not even the worst part.
You know what the worst part is? You proved Jack Donaghy right! Again! And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting? I get an NBC discount here.
Idiot! I'm a big fan of your show.
I want you to crush Josh.
I want you to crush him.
Mr.
Jordan, Keith called on your cell.
He said they were "at the thing, and Lil' Zay just end up running.
" What did you tell him? Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.
's number, so I gave it to him.
You did what? Damn it, K, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.
You have to handle this stuff better.
Mr.
Jordan, I don't know any of these people.
But Grizz would have Damn it, turn on the TV for me.
Dotcom set this up.
I don't know how it works.
Television on! Pornography! Good, you're here.
Josh and his agent are on their way up.
Ha ha, yeah.
Then they're gonna be on their way down.
Um, you know, that was weak.
But you're in the mix, you're having fun.
I like that.
Gentlemen! Make yourselves comfortable.
What are all these headshots for? Nothing.
Just some meetings we're taking.
Meetings? And if Look, Jack, I think I should tell you, Josh has an offer from The Daily Show.
Yes, Liz mentioned that.
I don't think that's gonna pan out.
What, are you kidding? What happened? What'd you do to our offer? I called my friend Saul Sheinhardt at our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt who called his son, John Stewart.
Ah ha Ya burnt! Let's get down to brass tacks.
Josh can stay.
Thank God! But no raise, no movies.
And only one Jewish holiday.
What's the one where they go into the tent? Sukkot.
That's the one.
We have a deal? Deal, thank you.
I need this money.
I have a really bad sex addiction.
Sorry.
That's it? I thought you said we could crush him.
What are you talking about? I took away everything.
That's crushing.
No, do more stuff! You made me look like an idiot.
You have to pay.
Liz, he's not getting a raise.
Do the worm! Do the worm! Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading.
Are its origins German? Now say five reasons I'm better than you! Smarter than me.
One! You can beat me in arm wrestling.
Two! You read the paper.
Yeah, suck it, I do read the paper.
You want me to do anything? Be a crab! Crab.
Fight the worm! Wow! Liz, you took to this like a natural.
More than I ever Okay, now, the crab is getting aroused.
Shut it down.
Shut it down.
Small town worn fatigues Big dreams and little leagues Gigantic star-spangled fireworks Light up the night You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Why do you sound so surprised? I love America.
Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars, doesn't mean I don't love America.
I said America She said America.
And cue the pinwheels.
Okay, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning.
When they're not spinning, they look exactly like Swastikas.
TGS, Totally Godless Suckers.
Or Satanists.
Ooh, that's even better.
Hi! Entourage Oh! You gotta get me out of here! Make a path, please! Help! Wow, Tray, you really saved us from that crowd, yo.
You sure did, man.
You sure did.
Yeah.
Of course I did! I love you guys.
I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.
I love you, Dotcom.
I love you, Grizz.
And I will always love you And I will always love you