According To Jim s01e15 Episode Script

OKAY, MY LITTLE FRIEND-- MEAT STICKS! MMM! YOU WANT SOME? COME ON! DADDY LOVES THEM.
LOOK.
MMM! SO DOES UNCLE ANDY.
MMM! MMM! MMM, THESE ARE PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT ELSE WE GOT? HOW DOES STRAINED SWEET POTATOES SOUND? LIKE A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN.
OH! MMM! THAT IS GOOD! THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER THAN EATING REAL FOOD.
MM-HMM! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT SOME PIZZA IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
THINK WE SHOULD TRY AND PUT IT IN THE BLENDER? I DO ENJOY PIZZA.
YOU GET THE BLENDER, I'LL GET THE PIZZA.
OH.
WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME TOPPINGS.
SORRY, BUDDY.
HAH! OH, BABY.
PIZZA SMOOTHIE-- THAT WAS A DUMB IDEA.
EVERYTHING WAS FINE TILL YOU THREW THE HAM IN.
UGH! DID YOU GUYS BURN SOMETHING? BLENDER MOTOR.
DON'T ASK.
SO, HOW WAS THE GYM? OH, IT WAS GREAT! YOU KNOW, DANA AND I WERE GONNA TAKE A SPINNING CLASS, BUT IT WAS FULL, SO WE PLAYED RACQUETBALL.
I HAVEN'T PLAYED IN YEARS.
WHAT A GREAT WORKOUT.
DID YOU SWEAT IN THAT LITTLE CURVY SPOT IN YOUR BACK? YEAH.
EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY DOES.
WELL, THAT'S OVER.
HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD START GOING TO THE GYM AGAIN.
NO, NO.
YEAH, YOU COULD COME TO MY WATER AEROBICS CLASS.
WE CALL OURSELVES THE AQUA MANIACS.
ISN'T THERE A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE IN THERE? YEAH.
WE LOST MAUD LAST MONTH.
NOW I'M THE BEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE GYM.
I HAVE MY EXERCISE TAPE.
THAT'S NOT AN EXERCISE TAPE, IT'S A DIRTY MOVIE.
WHY IS IT SO DIRTY WHEN SIX WOMEN JUST LOVE EACH OTHER? EVEN IF I HAD GOTTEN TO MAUD IN TIME, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING I COULD'VE DONE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU PLAY RACQUETBALL WITH ME TOMORROW? I ALREADY BOOKED THE COURT, AND DANA CAN'T MAKE IT.
NEITHER CAN I.
WHY NOT? WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I'VE SCHEDULED SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THE CHILDREN.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THOSE CARS DON'T GET WAXED BY THEMSELVES.
ALL RIGHT, TIME WITH THE CHILDREN? SOMETHING'S GOING ON.
ARE YOU WORRIED I'M GONNA BEAT YOU? [ LAUGHS .]
NO! YOU ARE! YOU'RE SCARED.
YEAH, SCARED OF BEING BORED FOR TWO HOURS.
OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OH, COME ON, CHERYL, SPORTS ARE FOR COMPETING.
COMPETING WITH GIRLS IS NOT A SPORT, IT'SFOREPLAY.
REALLY! I COMPETE TO WIN.
THERE'S NO OTHER REASON TO PLAY.
WHAT ABOUT SPENDING TIME TOGETHER? WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE SO PATRONIZING! DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT I'VE ALREADY BEATEN YOU AT RACQUETBALL? OH, WAIT A MINUTE! CHERYL BEAT YOU AT RACQUETBALL? NO! NO, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S RIGHT, I DIDN'T, I DIDN'T.
I DESTROYED HIM, MOPPED THE FLOOR WITH HIM, CLEANED HIS CLOCK! TOASTED HIS ONION.
THAT'S ONE, RIGHT? CHERYL, MY DEAR MY SWEET, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG WIFE, YOU DIDN'T BEAT ME.
I LET YOU WIN.
[LAUGHS.]
THERE'S NO WAY YOU THREW THAT GAME.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT? FOR THE SEX.
WHAT? WE WERE AT A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
I WASN'T GETTING ANY.
SO I'M THINKING, "OH, I'M GONNA BEAT HER AT RACQUETBALL, "MAKE HER CRY, MAKE HER REALLY SAD, BUM HER OUT.
" THEN FOR SURE I WASN'T GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL.
CLOSE THE DEAL? YOU KNOW, MAKE LOVE.
UH-UH.
NO.
NO? NO, THERE'S NO WAY YOU LET ME BEAT YOU.
NO? YOU REMEMBER THIS? OH, JEEZ, CHERYL.
WOW, THAT WAS A GREAT GAME YOU PLAYED.
WOW, YOU'RE A REALLY STRONG, POWERFUL WOMAN.
AND THAT'S IMPORTANT-- THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME AS A MAN.
AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF ANYBODY WAS GONNA BEAT ME, I'M SURE GLAD IT WAS YOU.
AND THEN THE VULNERABLE LOOK.
[ SNIFFLES .]
OH, MY GOD! YOU DID LET ME WIN! UH-HUH.
WELCOME TO MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? REMEMBER OUR FOURTH DATE, WHEN I COOKED YOU DINNER? [ GASPS .]
I KNEW YOU DIDN'T MAKE THOSE EGGROLLS.
DIDN'T EVEN OWN A WOK! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO HOT?! I AM HOT, BABY! THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO SETTLE THIS! IN THE BEDROOM? THE RACQUETBALL COURT! OOH, YOU HAVE A BETTER SHOT IN THE BEDROOM.
YOU JUST BE THERE TOMORROW! OH, I'LL BE THERE, BABY.
I'LL BE THERE.
AND YOU'RE GOING DOWN, SISTER! OHH! OH, LISTEN, CAN WE TAKE YOUR CAR TOMORROW? WHY CAN'T WE TAKE YOUR CAR? THAT LIGHT WENT ON AGAIN.
I DON'T WANNA DRIVE IT.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THAT LIGHT? I DON'T KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, THEN! YES! TOMORROW! YES! TOMORROW! ALL RIGHT! THIS IS A RACQUETBALL COURT, MY DEAR, WHERE MEN COMPETE! SHOULD I SERVE? YEAHLUNCH.
[LAUGHS.]
OH, HONEY, COME ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S NOT DO THIS.
LET'S BE GOOD SPORTS.
PLEASE? [ SIGHS .]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
HAVE A GOOD GAME.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
YOU TOO.
OH, YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS IS OVER AND I'M SHOWERING WITH THE OTHER GIRLS, SOAPING OUR BODIES AND GIGGLING.
HUH? OW! KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE? I KICKED JIM'S ASS.
OH, YES! WHERE IS HE? OH, IN THE CAR.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU COMING IN, SALLY? 'CAUSE I'M NOT BRINGING DINNER OUT TO YOU.
SO HE'S NOT TAKING IT VERY WELL? HE'S OUT THERE POUTING.
I AM NOT POUTING! I WAS REFOLDING THE MAPS BECAUSE SOMEBODY JUST THREW THEM IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT LIKE IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! DID YOU REFOLD THE ONE TO LOSERVILLE? [LAUGHS.]
YES, AND I PUT IT RIGHT NEXT TO THE MAP OF SPINSTERS' CORNER.
OH, THAT'S FUNNY.
NO, HEY, IT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT, SHH, SHH, SHH! SHH, SHH, SHH! YOU GUYS, I THINK I HEAR THE BABY CRYING.
BUT KYLE'S UPSTAIRS ASLEEP.
OH.
WELL, THEN IT MUST BE JIM.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU'RE CUTE.
THAT'S WHY I MARRIED YOU.
YOU'RE CUTE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE A BAD WINNER, BECAUSE I ALMOST BEAT YOU.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEATING YOU.
I WAS LEADING MOST OF THE WAY! IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
YOU'VE LOST BEFORE.
YEAH, AT BASKETBALL, SOFTBALL, FOOTBALL.
I'VE SEEN YOU LOSE A LOT-- UH, POOL, DARTS-- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, THAT'S WAY DIFFERENT.
THAT'S WITH GUYS.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE SAME THING LOSING TO A GIRL.
HEY! NO, I MEAN IT.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW, MEN ARE BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN WOMEN.
MEN SHOULDN'T LOSE TO WOMEN, I MEAN, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE IN A DISH-WASHING CONTEST OR MAYBE IN MUD WRESTLING OR JELL-O WRESTLING.
I MEAN, THAT'S A GOOD LOSS, YOU KNOW? JIM, YOU'RE MAKING SOME REALLY VALID POINTS HERE THANK YOU.
BUT ALL I'M HEARING IS "WAH, WAH, WAH!" [LAUGHTER.]
LOOK, I'M NO SCIENTIST.
WHAT? NO.
IT IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT.
THAT'S WHY NO WOMAN HAS EVER BEATEN THE 4-MINUTE MILE, OR THAT'S WHY IN GOLF, THE LADIES' TEE IS CLOSER TO THE HOLE.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "WOMEN'S TENNIS" AND NOT "TENNIS.
" OH! YOU ARE SO FRUSTRATING! COME ON, YOU GIRLS HAVE EVERYTHING! YOU DO-- YOU'RE BETTER-LOOKING, Y-Y-YOU GIVE BIRTH, YOU RUN COMPANIES, YOU RUN COUNTRIES, YOU CAN TALK BETTER THAN US, YOU'RE SMARTER THAN US! YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING! YOU'RE EVEN KILLING YOUR OWN BUGS NOW! COME ON, ALL WE GOT IS WE LIFT HEAVY OBJECTS AND SPORTS! WE HAVE SPORTS.
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, YOU GOT SPORTS.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING AND THAT--THAT THING IN THE OLYMPICS WHERE THEY, YOU KNOW, DANCE AROUND WITH A RIBBON ON A STICK WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS NOT A SPORT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT A SPORT? WELL, CALL VEGAS! PUT A BET ON IT! OKAY, IT'S OFFICIAL-- YOU'RE AN UNBEARABLE HUMAN BEING.
I WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOU IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT THAT * YOU GOT BEAT BY A GIRL * * YOU GOT BEAT BY A GIRL * * YOU GOT BEAT BY A GIRL * * YOU GOT BEAT BY A GIRL * ANDY! * BEAT BY A GIRL * OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! YOU FINALLY PUT THAT POMPOUS JERK IN HIS PLACE.
AND JUST A THOUGHT, BUT THIS WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO LEAVE HIM.
CHERYL, THIS ISN'T JUST A VICTORY FOR THE WOMEN IN THIS FAMILY, THIS IS A VICTORY FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE! DANA! WHAT? I CHEATED.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU MEAN WITH ANOTHER MAN.
[LAUGHTER.]
HEY, GUYS, CHERYL MESSED UP AND GOT LIGHT BEER, SO EVERYBODY SHOULD START OFF WITH TWO.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING? YOU AND CHERYL PLAYING RACQUETBALL.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT? FROM THE GYM.
THEY TAPE EVERY ACTIVITY TO HELP IMPROVE YOUR FORM.
IT'S REALLY HELPED ME WITH MY BUTTERFLY KICK.
PLUS, I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO WATCH IT AND TEASE YOU IN A MEAN WAY.
HEY, JIM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT BUMPING UP A SIZE.
YOU'RE REALLY PUNISHING THAT LYCRA.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SMUGGLING PLUMS.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
COME ON, WE NEED TO REHEARSE.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT? LET'S LOOK AT THAT AGAIN.
Andy: THAT'S NOT LEGAL.
THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE VIDEO AND MY WIFE'S IN IT! HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS? WELL, JUST MY WAY OF SHOWING YOU, YOU KNOW, HOW BAD I FEEL ABOUT WHAT I SAID TO YOU.
LOOK, HONEY, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SAY [SIGHS.]
BUT YOU BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE, AND I WAS NOT A GOOD SPORT ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
OH, I CAN'T FORGET ABOUT IT.
IT WAS UNFORGIVABLE.
COME ON, HONEY, I WAS DEFINITELY A LOUT AND MOST ASSUREDLY NOT A GENTLEMAN.
ALL RIGHT, YOU NEVER TALK THIS WAY IN THE LIVING ROOM.
WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING.
I'M JUST CONCEDING.
I WAS HOPING THAT MAYBE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D LIKE, MAYBE WE COULD WATCH A MOVIE TOGETHER.
[SIGHS.]
JIM, I AM NOT WATCHING "JACK AND HIS EXCELLENT BEANSTALK" AGAIN.
NO IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MOVIE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS IT? I HEAR IT STARTS OUT AS A MYSTERY AND THEN WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.
OH, HONEY! I HOPE IT'S ROMANTIC.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS HOW SORRY THE GIRL IS.
WHAT--TH--TH-- THIS IS US PLAYING RACQUETBALL.
YEAH.
WHERE'D YOU GET THIS? THE GYM.
THEY GIVE YOU THIS TAPE SO YOU CAN ANALYZE YOUR GAME.
OH, NO, NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO-- HONEY, I THOUGHT YOU PLAYED GREAT.
IN FACT, I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I WON.
NO, NO, NO, NO! COME ON, HONEY.
LET'S WATCH.
OH! HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
NOW, NOTICE MY FORM, OKAY? NOTICE HOW I'M NOT LOOKING AT YOU BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY TRUSTING YOU.
YOU KNOW, I NEED TO GO CHECK ON KYLE.
KYLE'S FINE! OH! HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT.
THERE YOU ARE CATCHING THE BALL AND THROWING IT AS IF YOU WERE HITTING IT.
THERE YOU ARE DANCING AROUND AS IF YOU HAD WON! AGAIN, I'M NO SCIENTIST BUT AS A GUY WHO'S NO SCIENTIST I'M THINKING YOU CHEATED! OH, ALL RIGHT, I CHEATED, AND I FEEL REALLY STUPID ABOUT IT.
NOW, CAN WE JUST LET IT GO? OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! HOLD ON A SECOND.
EVERY TIME I SCREW UP, WE HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE ONE OF THESE "FEELINGS" TALKS, ALL RIGHT? BUT WHEN YOU SCREW UP, WE JUST WANT TO "LET IT GO"? NO, I DON'T WANT TO "LET IT GO.
" I WANT TO HAVE A "FEELINGS" TALK RIGHT NOW.
I WANT TO SAY THE THINGS TO YOU THAT YOU SAY TO ME.
[SIGHS.]
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I'M AT THE END OF MY ROPE.
ARE YOU DONE? I CAN'T BREATHE.
I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT IN 'CAUSE I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER HAVE A CHANCE AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE EVEN.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! NO! I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I WHIP YOUR BUTT IN A REGULATION RACQUETBALL GAME DETERMINED BY A PANEL OF INDEPENDENT JUDGES.
FORGET IT.
I AM NOT PLAYING YOU AGAIN.
OH, NO? WHY, WHY, WHY? OH, I GET IT-- YOU'RE SCARED BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL.
I AM NOT SCARED.
OOH, I'M CHERYL.
I JUST LIKE TO COOK DINNER AND GET PREGNANT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! I WILL PLAY YOU AGAIN! OH! I SHOULD'VE THROWN THAT BALL AT YOUR BIG, FAT HEAD! WHOO! I GOT THREE WORDS FOR YOU, SISTER -- NO CHEATING CHEATER! YOU KNOW, I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS GAME IS OVER.
THEN I'M GONNA GO INTO THE SAUNA WITH A BUNCH OF SWEATY GUYS, AND WE'RE ALL GONNA BE NAKED! THAT'S JUST WEIRD, JIM.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT IS.
OKAY, YOU SERVE.
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO FIRST.
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? LADIES FIRST.
AGE BEFORE BEAUTY.
BEAUTY BEFORE BEAST.
YOU JUST INSULTED YOURSELF, JIM.
OR DID I? AAH! HA! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! ENOUGH, ENOUGH.
HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY! OW! OW! FOUL! FOUL! OW! AUGH.
AUGH.
OH! OHH! AUGHHH! AUGH! AHH.
AHH.
YAY, I WON.
SO [GROANS.]
WAS IT WORTH IT? WAS IT WORTH BOTH OF US ENDING UP LIKE THIS? WELL, I MEAN, IT IS TO ME BECAUSE, OF COURSE, I WON ME, MOI THE GUY, EL HONCHO EL COYOTE, EL POLLO LOCO.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? LIKE WHAT? LIKEYOU.
[LAUGHS.]
REALLY, THINK ABOUT IT.
THERE'S A KIND OF GUY OUT THERE THAT YOU COULD BEAT AT RACQUETBALL ALL THE TIME, BUT IS THAT THE KIND OF GUY YOU WOULD'VE MARRIED, HUH? OH--[LAUGHS.]
NO.
THANK YOU.
BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TALKING THIS WAY IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT THEM GROWING UP THINKING THEY SHOULDN'T TRY THEIR HARDEST AT SPORTS OR SCHOOL OR FOR A JOB.
I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.
I WANT OUR GIRLS TO BEAT EVERYBODY AT EVERYTHING.
I JUST DON'T WANT GIRLS TO BEAT ME.
WELL, COME ON, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A DOUBLE STANDARD? NO.
IT'S A FULL-BLOWN DOUBLE STANDARD.
OH, YOU ARE A PIECE OF WORK.
OF COURSE, I KNEW WHO YOU WERE WHEN I FIRST SHAVED YOU AND TAUGHT YOU TO SPEAK.
[LAUGHS.]
UH-OH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS? I WON! DARN! I REALLY WANTED TO DO THE DANCE AGAIN! YOU BEAT MOMMY? YES, I DID BUT YOU KNOW, SHE COULD HAVE WON, YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE NEXT TIME SHE WILL BUT MOST PROBABLY, THE ODDS ARE IN MY FAVOR OR HERS.
APPARENTLY, WE'RE EQUAL.
WE'RE GOING OUT TO McDONALD'S.
YOU GUYS WANT ANYTHING? ICE! ICE! AND A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE AND A HOT APPLE PIE! I'LL PROBABLY JUST HAVE A BITE OF EACH, YOU KNOW? JIM IF ONE OF US HAD TO WIN, I'M SURE GLAD IT WAS YOU.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT TO GET ME INTO BED.
I'M NO SCIENTIST BUT WHY DON'T WE GO UPSTAIRS AND FIND OUT? YES! OHH! OHH! OHH! OHH! OHH! AHH.
IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO RIGHT HERE?