Ally Mcbeal s01e15 Episode Script

- I sense the ick.
- You haven't had a date yet.
Since he's my boss, I don't want to go out with him and get the ick.
- Then tell him.
- Tell him? - Tell him.
- How? - How? - Renee.
Why don't you just go through with the date? He'll think he did something wrong.
He'll think he is something wrong.
What's better? To blow it or not stand a chance? I don't know.
The Biscuit has a nose for the truth.
Be straight.
Tell him he doesn't do it for you.
It could be really boring and he would lose interest.
If you like John Cage, then you know what has to be done.
- I have to dump him.
- You must.
I've been down this road Once in a Lifetime Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah When Richard hired you, he expected you to bill 200 hours a month.
And under that yardstick, you've been a disappointment.
Thank you, Elaine.
- Ally.
- Hey, John.
- Better get inside.
- Come, come, come on.
John, John.
Delta Hughes wants to retain us to sue Burger King.
Claims this crispier French fry was all her idea.
Her idea? She wrote them, saying their fries should be more crispy.
That's just stupid, Richard.
Speed it up.
Next! Seymore Little, artist, wants to - Wait.
The Seymore Little? - The very one.
He wants to I majored in art history.
I get to meet Seymore Little? You represent him.
His son won't let him marry.
Won't let him? He was deemed mentally incompetent two years ago.
We won't take that position.
His son thinks she's after his money Balls.
Move on.
I don't care what's bothering you but that kind of disrespect is unacceptable.
You got that? - I'm sorry.
- You should be.
Okay.
Bygones.
I feel a waffle.
- A what? - A waffle.
She's retreating.
- Who? - Ally.
Something has occasioned Ally's recalcitrance.
- Have you kissed her yet? - Not really.
No kiss by the second date means you're gay.
- I don't want to seem a predator.
- Feminism, autonomy, gender equality.
- Women want to be taken! - They do? Don't do anything against her consent but you must be aggressive.
- That disconcerts me.
Grab her hand.
Squeeze her neck.
Half massage, half "you belong to me.
" Sometimes hold them by the shoulders.
They need to feel dominated.
The body talks.
You're mine.
You feel my dominion.
You want to surrender to it.
Off you go.
- Georgia.
- John.
- He's in there? - With his bride-to-be.
A tramp.
Yes.
Mr.
Little, I'm Ally McBeal.
This is such an honor.
I am a huge fan of your work.
- Who cares? Send in the lawyer.
- I am the lawyer.
- Dressed like that? Look at her skirt! - Seymore.
Tell your boss I want pants.
And throw in a penis.
Men make the best lawyers.
Am I a chauvinist? - How's it going? - He wants a penis.
No real lawyer wears a skirt like that.
I want pants.
You will not insult my attorneys.
Change your clothes.
- She is an excellent lawyer.
- You take me the way I'm dressed.
- What's the matter? - Pants, penis, co-counsel, done.
Richard! Maybe we should just let Billy - Ally.
- John.
- What's up? - Well.
Dinner.
Tomorrow night.
Eight.
Um.
Sure.
The court says he has no capacity to consent.
- And my son won't give the consent.
- But we can get it by court order.
I'm going to play devil's advocate.
You're sixty years apart.
- New math, huh? - But he's not incompetent.
- Why does your son say that you are? - He's trying to control me.
All I want to do is to get married and open a little gallery.
- She wants his money.
- They don't look like a perfect match.
You know, them having sex.
Speaking of strange bedfellows you and John Cage? Well, he um - He kind of surprised me.
- I can't exactly see you two Because he's odd? I actually like odd.
Oh.
There's nobody in there.
It definitely came from that stall.
- Hey, John.
- Ally.
Billy.
- How's it going? - We heard the toilet flush.
- I flushed it.
- Excuse me? - You have a remote toilet flusher? - Sometimes people forget to flush.
Other times there are residual remnants.
I like a fresh bowl.
- Why don't you flush by hand? - My regularity's easily thrown.
Unclean bowls trouble me.
Excuse me.
He is incompetent to make daily decisions which affect his life.
We don't have to begin on a hostile note.
You're accusing me of mistreating my father.
Are you trying to control his money? Yes, but that's the point.
He cannot run his own affairs.
He still talks to my mother.
She's been dead for seven years.
That doesn't make him incompetent.
- Many people speak to the dead.
- She answers.
She asked for a boat.
He bought her a $300,000 yacht.
Why not let him marry, if that makes him happy? I'd love for him to move on, but he's not moving past my mother's death.
- Why does he want to marry this girl? - I don't know.
He doesn't love her.
- How can you be so sure? - I know my father.
Could you be more specific? There are some who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving.
My father met that somebody.
I wouldn't expect you to understand, or even believe it.
There are some loves that just don't go away.
The judge might view communication with a dead person as mental unfitness.
We were together 56 years.
If I want to talk to her, I'll do it.
And if she wants to talk back, that's her privilege.
You've never known a once-in-a-lifetime love? I pray not.
We're also faced with undue influence.
That means you.
- Me? - It looks like you're after his money.
We will go into court if you want.
But this could be terribly painful.
Lean forward, skirt-less.
Lean forward.
My wife died.
My son had me declared incompetent.
What kind of pain do you have that I don't already know about? Are you depressed? You do that to fight despair.
I know that.
I also do it for focus.
Hypothalamus isometrics.
The brain fires courtship neurons.
I stretch them before a date.
Are you ready? What's the matter? I'm a poor kisser.
I secrete excess saliva.
You do? It could save my life in the desert.
On a date, it's debilitating.
Sometimes it Excess saliva I'm inclined to give her a peck, but Cheanie did that.
She was offended.
- Talk to Billy.
- Billy? Women like to be kissed in certain ways.
Some like to turn their heads.
Some like the flat-tongue French kiss.
Some like to lead with the lower lip.
I wasn't prepared for this.
Billy grew up kissing Ally.
He would know what she's like in the mouth.
Why did you buy a boat? DiMaggio bought Marilyn flowers every day for 30 years after her death.
- We called that romantic.
- Yes.
But he bought a boat.
Your Honor, Mr.
Little can't manage his own affairs.
There is a slew of anecdotal evidence.
- Step up here, Mr.
Little.
- Oh, God! Let me see your teeth.
This was bound to happen.
I want a full hearing.
- What does that mean? - Seymore takes the stand.
- Paula, what's the deal? - I'm sorry? I know you're an art student.
You probably admire him.
But I'm smelling a rat in the wedding cake.
- I'm after his money? - That's my guess.
The prenup says I get nothing.
But while he's alive - Ally? May I call you Ally? - Yes.
Your job is to give him what he wants.
It's to protect his interests.
Figure out his interests and protect them.
Oh.
John, come on in.
- I'm loath to intrude.
- What's up? I'm on the precipice of a date with Ally.
And? I'm fraught with anxiety.
Should I endeavor to kiss her? According to Cosmopolitan magazine women draw conclusions about a man as a lover by how he kisses.
I'm not saying I agree.
Being prone to high saliva secretions, I'm fraught.
You came here for advice on how to kiss Ally? I apologize.
As senior partner, you shouldn't date associates.
I had only planned to date one, but I appreciate your candor.
- John.
- Georgia.
- You seemed a little miffed.
- He's a founding partner.
Right.
And she's an associate.
I didn't bring a lawyer.
My father's liquid estate is worth a little over 800,000.
I will sign it over if you walk away.
I cannot put him through this.
- We don't represent her.
- I have a counter.
You keep all of his money, except provide living expenses.
In exchange, you revoke guardianship and let us marry.
I only get him.
- I won't let you hurt him.
- And I won't let you.
I don't understand.
She can't be a gold digger if she gives up his estate.
- What are we missing? - Maybe they do love each other.
"One love forever" is silly.
Somebody else can come along.
Somebody did! Paula.
Oh.
Do you believe what his son said? That some people meet somebody who they never stop loving.
It's been known to happen.
Yeah, it's been known to happen.
Every time we get by this, something comes along to tear the lid off.
It's not right to talk about a thing I can't talk about with Georgia.
I can't talk about this.
- It's just the case affecting us.
- Yeah, it's the case.
- We're still going through a stage.
- Yes.
It's a stage.
- We're making good progress.
- Mostly, I don't even think about you.
- Excellent.
- Yeah.
Well, um Let's get over our case.
Go over our case.
- You take him.
I'll take the son.
- Sounds good.
- Let's go over the evidence.
- Yeah.
Let's.
Okay, um - Anecdotal evidence of incompetence.
- Okay.
Incompetence.
Conversations with dead wife.
See the pyramids along the Nile Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle Just remember, darling, all the while You belong to me See the marketplace in old Algiers Send me photographs and souvenirs But remember when a dream appears You belong to me - Nothing happened? - Of course not.
He's married.
I like his wife, and I gave up adultery for Lent.
- But you're upset.
- Because I feel myself falling backwards.
If you touch that man, I will break your knees.
I won't.
What do you think I am? For all I know, you'll be on the floor with I will not! I am just admitting a relapse.
I just need - A protective order? - This doesn't have to be public.
- It could cause embarrassment.
- We have no objection, Judge.
Fine.
Done.
This man is somebody I have looked up to.
Besides Pick-a-so, he's one of my favorites.
Do you believe in the legitimacy of this marriage? We have no real cause to doubt her sincerity since money isn't a motive.
All right.
Let's go.
Are you ready? - Use the velvet glove.
Don't provoke.
- I won't.
Just keep it gentle.
Keep it soft.
- Like - What are you doing? Something I got to do.
Just once.
Billy.
Ally? Huh? - Are you okay? - Me? I've heard people say that Too much of anything is not good for you, baby But I don't know about that There's many times that we've loved We've shared love and made love It doesn't seem to me like it's enough There's just not enough, babe There's just not enough Oh, babe My darling, I can't get enough of your love, babe - So? I forget things.
I'm old.
- Aside from the memory loss your son - I remember him.
- You love him? - Like a son.
You question his motive? In his mind he's protecting me.
At some point the child becomes the parent.
Like the parent, he can victimize with good intentions and fear.
Why did it have to be such a big boat? It's a big, big boat.
Your Honor sometimes when a person ages there's a certain point where they're not there mentally.
- Yes? - Are you one of those people? - Don't you be trickery with me.
Be "trickery"? Paula makes me happy.
I'm old.
I'm lonely.
Why do I have to come into court to ask for her company? - I won't stand to be disparaged.
- What are you doing? - I'm preparing myself rhythmically.
- Ah! - Did Billy help with the kissing? - It might be best not to kiss her.
- Wrong! You have to get in there.
- I don't want to goo her.
John! Elaine, excellent.
- You grew up kissing everybody, right? - Actually, no.
I was a giver.
Even on first dates, boys would go directly to second base.
But I am a good kisser.
- Lf a guy has too much saliva? - The worst.
But it's not too bad, is it? Oh, no.
Some girls like the slobber.
- Anyway, it's easy to fix.
- It is? When kissing becomes really sensual, sometimes you suck the other's tongue.
It's kind of like a vacuum.
You can swallow your own saliva.
Maybe even some of hers.
She'll just think it's an incredibly erotic kiss.
- You suck on it? - Can I show you? You secreted, but I swallowed.
No slobber.
I need ice.
It's irregular, but I'll let him ask a few questions.
Thank you.
Dad.
- Why do you say you love her? - Maybe because I do.
But you're not over Mom yet.
You won't visit her grave.
You won't admit she's gone.
I don't have to be told that she's gone.
Doesn't this demean your marriage to Mom? - No.
- You said you would always cherish her.
- This isn't cherishing her, is it? - You shut your mouth! I don't know what's going on here.
I do know that this doesn't seem like you.
And it doesn't seem right.
Was it right for her to die? Was it right for the world to end and for me to go on living in it? The sun still comes up.
People go about their lives like it was nothing.
It's no tragedy when an elderly person dies.
She didn't suffer.
It was a blessing.
There was no suffering.
No suffering.
- You don't think we knew you suffered? - I want my gallery.
I want to marry whoever I want! I'll buy any kind of boat that I want! Huh? Oh.
I know, sweetheart.
It's how I get Gail.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I asked before, and I'll ask again.
What is going on? Don't tell me how much you love him.
- Is this more about that art gallery? - Yes.
All he wants is to open a little place and paint pictures of his wife, Gail.
- His son doesn't think he's capable.
- So, how does your marrying I could be named guardian, and I could let him open his little shop.
That's what this is all about? Why didn't you tell us? Tell you it's a pretext? You would profit from the sales? I paint better than he does right now.
He's not going to sell much.
He just wants his gallery.
- Does his son know this? - Yes.
I don't think he knows that's what this marriage is all about.
I can't go back in there asking the judge to allow a sham.
But I can talk to his son.
So he can open his art gallery? No marriage, and you can still be the guardian.
- I can't let him open his art gallery - Why not? This is what he paints.
Her.
Her.
All day long.
These are pretty good.
He is the most important American impressionist.
- This is not the work of an icon.
- Lf this is what he wants to paint If these ever found their way into the market his legacy would be ruined.
You're concerned with what people will say? My father prayed to leave behind two things: My mother.
And his artistic legacy.
Mom died first.
I couldn't help him.
But his reputation? That I can help preserve.
And I will.
He does what his father wants, while his father wants something else.
What if your dad wanted to practice law after he lost it? - Wouldn't you step in? - I suppose.
We all think about our legacy.
Ally? It's eight o'clock.
Oh! Right.
Yes.
- John and I have a date.
- Great.
Have fun.
- See you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow it is.
Let's go! Boring.
Narcissistic.
And we're off.
I wanted to curl my hair, but I had no time to get any spring.
I can get ready for a date quickly.
A little smudge plum.
It looks great when I can rim my eyelashes.
I'm more concerned with how I dress.
I like a high waist.
I can't bear not being symmetrical.
Some men like makeup.
I have a beige-pink blush.
Do you ever wake up with puffy eyes? No matter how I try Baby, that's no lie Tell me, what can I say? God, I'm trapped in '70s hell and I can't get out.
Boy, all I know is every time you're near Something moves I scream your name And he's having a great time.
I don't prefer speckled nail polish.
I found this wonderful blueberry enamel.
I tried it with this gold- loaded cheek powder.
- Why are you talking so fast? - What? Subject matter aside, the rapidity of speech puzzles me.
Oh.
Um.
Well This case I'm working on.
This man still loves his dead wife.
It's really hit me.
I'm a sucker for unrelenting love.
- I have unrelenting impulses.
- Sorry? Oh! Oh, John.
You knocked me off my feet.
- Are you hurt? - No.
I'm fine.
That's one to call it a night on, don't you think? - I've been untoward.
- No, it's okay.
We'll talk tomorrow.
I had a great time.
Night, buddy.
She called me "buddy.
" - First dates are difficult.
- I was untoward.
You surprised her.
- Did you suck her tongue? - I drew blood.
My first date with Whipper, she called the police.
Next day, I got wattle.
Bygones.
He was untoward.
Come.
Hey.
Skirtless.
- You make house calls? - Yeah.
We need to make a final argument to the judge this morning and we really don't have one.
- These are beautiful.
- For an amateur.
Your son really wants to protect your name in the art world.
Which you say isn't important to you.
The problem is that according to him, it is.
Or at least, it was.
- He thinks that when you were more - Competent.
I'm here trying to figure out what you really, really want.
Mr.
Little, tell me what you want.
What I've always wanted.
To paint what I feel and share it.
And all you paint is her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- John, I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
I guess we're even.
I wasn't looking.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Fine.
I replayed the date several times.
Your cosmetic babbling was designed to incur my disinterest.
You're a very sensitive person.
Um, John, I I think that Sometimes I know it's not a match, even when I don't know the why part.
- Renee and I, we call it the "ick.
" - I don't like this word.
Well, it sounds pejorative, but it really just means "not meant to be.
" It could be that you and I work together.
Or that you're too kind.
- And it could be - You're in love with somebody else.
What? No, no.
I don't think that's it.
I'm not even seeing anybody else.
Are you really okay? I've jammed my flusher.
I'm fine.
Well, um I am due in court, so I better get going.
- We'll talk later, okay? - Sure.
Something tells me he's still in love too.
We have provided documentation showing the hardship if Mr.
Little opens a gallery.
Guardianship doesn't presuppose Guardianship presupposes incompetence! I'm sorry to say this, but you have forced this ugliness.
Mr.
Little is incompetent.
If he opens a gallery with pictures of his wife, inferior works the estate and his reputation get hurt.
His son is just trying to protect him.
Art students all over the world revere this man.
Let that be.
Please.
Let that be.
He still loves his wife.
He wants to continue experiencing it.
We are lucky to have somebody with a bit of that insanity.
Somebody who never lets you go.
Somebody who cherishes you forever.
Talk about a legacy.
Loving somebody forever.
That's a legacy.
You want his world to go on, Sam.
So does he.
I'll have to figure out the logistics but I can construe a guardianship that allows him to open shop.
- Nobody wants to see him get hurt.
- That's why I think it will work.
Will you forgive my letting go? I forgive it.
But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.
You stinker!