Amazing Stories (1985) s01e15 Episode Script

Your mother wears Salvation Army boots.
What'll it be, Francis? Another rye there, Joe, if you wouldn't mind.
- Joey.
- I know.
Ah, that's it! That's the ticket! Aah-aah-aah-aah! Ah! Two bits.
Um, two bits.
Of course.
Two bits.
Thanks for the drink, Joe.
No! - Well- - No.
I s- I said, "Two bits," undertaker.
Uh, good bartender, "Let him drink and forget his poverty and remember his misery no more.
" - Huh? - Proverbs 31, verse seven.
How do you think it feels to go home at night to a wife and three kids with nothing in your pockets? To watch them bright young eyes begin to wither with despair.
And I can give them nothing, not even a quarter for the ball game.
All I can do is try to put on a smile, offer them hope- hope that I don't have no more.
Give me the drink, Joe.
Give her to me.
It helps me to lie.
- Hey.
- Take it out of my pay.
Pipe down.
Pipe down.
Come on, Malloy.
This way.
This way! This way! Ah, Francis.
Francis, a little money wouldn't hurt any one of us.
But I don't know many people these days that have it easy.
Uh, there was this cheap broad what married Al Compinari.
Well, sooner than later, she's shacking up with Toots O'Connor, and she finds out that there's this contract out on her husband.
Well, bless her heart, what does she do? She takes out a hefty life insurance policy on him, and four days later becomes a rich, grieving widow when her poor, dear husband is accidentally run over by a truck.
Oh.
Ah, he's all right.
That's a fair way to earn some money.
Take out a policy on somebody who's going to die anyway.
Well, don't you think she might have told him? He might not have died.
Yeah, but I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of a little inside information, then not wasting the profits needlessly.
Shut up, Malloy.
Pipe down, Malloy.
Most of the bums that hang around here are gonna die.
And Malloy, he's been hanging around here trying to drink himself to death.
Hmm.
Probably gonna succeed too, especially in this weather.
Yeah.
Don't count on him having enough for a funeral.
Why is that? 'Cause his- His wife is dead.
He's got no real friends.
So I don't think you could find anybody who cares enough for him to pay for a funeral.
"A useless life is an early death.
" Huh? Goethe.
Oh.
The only way that he could find the funds for a proper funeral would be from a life insurance policy.
Life insurance policy.
Whew! Hmm? Whoa! Look what I got.
Oh.
Huh? Take a look at this.
What? What? Did you get it? Yes.
Oh, out, out.
He's in the back.
If he sees you, I'm gonna get- No, Joe, look at this.
Lookit.
Huh? Is that it? Nicely done.
Nicely done.
Oh! How in the world- Hard times, brother.
You can get a lot for a little.
Ah, kind sir, would you share a wee drop of that liquid magic for a poor, old man not long for this earth? Certainly, Mr.
Malloy.
Ah! Mr.
Malloy, I have here a petition to the mayor protesting the abominable conditions suffered by the poor orphan children in the sweatshops.
I would be most obliged If you would sign it and help our cause be heard.
Oh, yeah.
The poor little tykes.
Mr.
Simmons, I would be happy to if you'll only show me where.
Oh.
I don't see too good, you understand? Ah.
Uh, sign right here.
Michael Patrick Joseph Malloy.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're entirely welcome, my very good friend.
May I propose a celebratory drink? Of course, Mr.
Malloy.
- To the orphans, like meself.
- To the orphans.
Got it this time.
Hey! You stealing my booze? No! Tony, it's okay! Take it easy, now.
Just take a look at this.
See? Huh? The money, Tony.
Yeah.
- You got it! You got it! - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! You'll wake up Malloy.
I don't think you have to worry about that.
Free drinks, all around! So on the very, hopefully, timely demise of Mr.
Malloy, we will be gentlemen of wealth.
- How long do you think that'll take? - Well, I'm no doctor, but I can't see the poor old sod lasting much longer.
Mr.
Malloy's been trying to drink himself to death for the past few years.
That's right.
Considering our resources, we should be able to help him do just that in short time.
To Mr.
Malloy! Mmm.
Say, Mr.
Maroni, would it be possible to have another drink? You- No, Tony, Tony, Tony.
It's okay.
Tony, it's okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll get it.
He's gonna drink me dry.
I can't believe it.
What's this? Is he dead? Glory be, he's dead! Completely dead! Oh, the poor, dear, old sod.
What's this? Oh! He's not dead.
No, he's not dead.
But we're almost completely broke.
In the past three weeks, he's drunk 27 bottles of rye whiskey, 14 bottles of vodka, five bottles of scotch.
Every time he passes out, I'm sure he's done for, but he just stands up, he apologizes for his posture, and he says, "I'm thirsty.
" He better die soon.
I need the money.
I got it.
- Maybe we should give him beer.
- What? It's said that if you give an Irishman lager for a month, he's a dead man.
See, an Irishman's stomach is lined with copper.
Beer corrodes it.
Whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving grace of him.
That's a load of nonsense.
Besides, I can't wait another month.
Yeah.
Get rid of that.
Now I'll pour some of this into the empty bottle.
A little whiskey to take the edge off.
Good.
Now- Oh.
The Malloy special.
- Here.
- That'll put him away for sure.
- Thanks.
I could use a drink.
- Dan! - No! No, Dan.
Give me that! That drink is for Mr.
- Mr.
Malloy.
What kind of cheap rotgut is that? It smells like keros- Mr.
Malloy, a little refreshment after your nap? Oh, how thoughtful.
- Won't the gentlemen be joining me? - Oh, no! I had a drink before you woke up.
- Funeral tonight.
Mustn't stutter.
- I have a bad stomach.
- I'll have one.
- No! Daniel, you have to be going home.
You know what the missus said about strong drink on the breath.
- Nonsense.
- I think I'll help you.
I'll get it.
No harm done.
Uh, Mr.
Malloy, please, go ahead.
We'll join you later.
I don't mind if I do.
To your healths, gentlemen.
That's the tonic! - Another, Mr.
Malloy? - I would be deeply obliged.
Bottoms up.
That is kerosene! Dan, you idiot! Malloy.
Drink up, Mr.
Malloy.
To your healths.
Oh.
I'm feeling a bit woozy.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr.
Malloy.
Would a brisk walk in the night air help? - You know how cold it is out there? - Yes.
Ha! Cold enough to get the blood circulating and the skin invigorated.
Come on.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here- Keep walking.
Come on.
Faster.
Keep walking.
Come on.
Faster.
Turn him around here.
Gesundheit.
Now turn him around.
Let me have him.
Let's keep moving.
That's right.
Don't step on him.
That's enough.
There you go.
Here.
Give him the full benefit of the evening air.
Okay.
Yeah.
It doesn't seem right, leaving him here like this.
You're right.
- What are you doing? - What's it look like I'm doing? Joe's right, Francis.
It'd be a sin not to make the end come as soon as possible.
He can't feel anything anyways.
The sweetest death that puts an end to pain.
- Who said that? - Francis Xavier Mulcahey.
- Who's that? - Me! - "Xavier"? - Let's get out of here before we all freeze to death! How long has it been? Five and a half hours.
What? Geez.
Geez.
It's gonna be a long winter.
They may not find him till spring.
Oh, geez.
I can't wait that long.
Maybe we should dig him up then.
Make it easier for them.
Nah.
We can't risk it.
We might be seen.
What have you got to be afraid of? We gave the guy a couple of drinks.
He passed out in a snowbank before he got home.
We gave him a couple of drinks of kerosene, and I happen to be the beneficiary.
That's right.
You are.
Meaning? That all the proceeds are in your name.
Whoa! Maybe we ought to move in together for a week or so.
No, no, no, no, Joey.
Especially considering your admiration for the Florida sunshine.
What? And your well-known love of train travel.
No, we'll keep it in my safe.
No, we won't.
I'll hold it.
It stays with me! Give it here! Give me- Give me that.
Take your hands off of that! Get away from- Get- My God.
It's a cold, cold night out there, me friends.
I'm cold to the very marrow of me bones.
Could you spare me a drink No.
No.
To warm up my poor, old bones? No.
No.
Mr.
Malloy.
Mr.
Malloy.
Okay.
A few more tacks.
Yeah.
And rat poison.
Yeah, that'll get him.
Yeah, yeah.
A sandwich for you, Mr.
Malloy.
Oh! I'll kill him! I'll kill him! I'm gonna kill him! Dan, no! Dan, count to 10.
Count to 10.
Easy, Dan.
Easy, Dan.
He's all right.
He's all right.
He's all right.
He's got to die.
He's got to die! Get him! He's got to die! Stop it! Die! You're his beneficiary, for Pete's sake! What good'll it do any of us if you murder him? He's got to die! No, Dan, don't worry.
Dan- Dan, he's gonna die.
Come here.
He's gonna die! This way.
Come on.
Over here.
Here, bring him here.
Yeah, this ought to be deep enough.
Get him up.
Watch it.
He's heavy.
You'd be heavy too if you had the rocks in your pocket like this man has.
Hit him on the head with a frying pan.
We don't want him to come around again.
Let's just do the bloody thing and get it over with.
All right.
Okay, you ready? Everybody ready? Here we go.
One, two, three! - Dan, you're not holding your end! - Well, I can't get a grip! Come on.
Let's do it again.
You ready, Dan? Wait.
Wait a minute.
Here we go.
Everybody.
One, two, three! There we go.
All the way over.
Help! Help! - He's coming to! - Get him! Come on! Come on! What's going on? You're gonna get away from us this time, Malloy! I'm a murderer, a murderer.
Hey! Psst! - It wasn't me, Officer.
I was just sitting here.
- Hey! No! Hey! - I tried to stop him.
- It was his idea.
No.
You've been to my bar, right? He fell down there.
We were trying to save his life.
I was trying to help.
It was him.
- Extra! Extra! - Read all about it! Murder trust members to be executed! Men who murdered derelict for insurance money fry today! Read all about it! Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Men who murdered derelict for insurance money fry today! Read all about it! Don't worry.
Business'll get better.
You just gotta give it a bit more time.
The place'll be jumpin' for joy.
I promise you that.
Please, something for the less fortunate.
I'm not worth a plugged nickel.
Come back when I'm flush.
- And you're scaring away customers.
- A nickel in my palm assures a nickel's less sorrow for the unfortunates of the world and ensures a nickel's less of Satan's own brew to distort the judgments of good men like you.
Maybe I should've give the guy a quarter, huh? What'll it be, sir? Ah, thank you, kind sir.
Could you share a wee drop of that liquid magic for a poor, old man not long for this Earth? Go on, friend.
On the house.
Thank you, kind sir.
The cold is murder.