American Housewife (2016) s01e15 Episode Script

1 Katie: I love a good yard sale, but in Westport, they're called "estate sales.
" Wait, I didn't hit that hard enough.
"Estate sales.
" Okay, it's just a bunch of stuff a dead person's kids don't want.
- Calm down.
- [Chanting.]
Let us in! Let us in! - Let us in! - Oh, no.
There's stupid Chloe Brown Mueller and her husband, stupid Stan Lawton.
Ooh, we should call them over.
Greg, I wasn't using "stupid" to mean, like, "funky fresh.
" I really don't like them.
I mean, Stan's okay, but Chloe's the worst.
She's always mommy-blogging and Instagraming, and to top it all off - Hey, Stan, it's me Greg! - [Gasps.]
Did you just wave them over here? Greg, you will never believe what I just saw.
See that table? - See the racist mugs? - Uh-huh.
Right next to that are actual arrowheads made by the Paugussett tribe.
Ah, the original settlers of Westport.
Mm, we could have been better to them.
Slaughtered them, drove them from their lands, such a tragic history.
Yes, but they do have that nice plaque on Main Street.
- That's true! - Mm-hmm.
- After you, sir.
[laughs.]
- No, no, after you, sir.
- So, Katie, how's everything? - Let's not.
Okay, good, because I didn't care.
What kind of yard sale is this? Where are all the neon beer signs? Where's that singing bass telling me to take it to the river? [Gasps.]
Whoa.
Four perfectly weathered Adirondack chairs for only $85! Be cool, Katie.
Don't attract attention to this awesome deal.
Everyone back off! These are mine.
So Oh.
Excuse me! - I'd like to buy these.
- No, I'm sprawled here.
It's the universal sign for, "These are my chairs.
" Choking These are my chairs.
Okay, that's how a garage sale works.
This is a tag sale, so whoever has the tag gets the sale.
And since I have the tag, who do you think gets the sale? Do you think it's you? 'Cause it's not.
It's me.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, pumpkin? [Camera shutter clicks.]
Hey, if you're gonna be in my selfie, the least you can do is smile.
Or at least do something more flattering with those legs.
Another universal sign coming at you.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- I'll crop you out.
The only reason she bought those chairs is because I wanted them.
And the worst part about it is they belonged to Paul Newman.
Oh, what makes you think that? Paul Newman lived in Westport.
He used chairs.
Connect the dots.
You and Chloe should really talk this out on our double date tonight.
- Our what? - Stan planned it.
We're having dinner at one restaurant and the dessert at another.
"Can he be any more fun?" I ask, but the answer is clearly no.
Okay, [Chuckles.]
before you break out into "I Am Sixteen Going on Seventeen," you need to know that I won't be there.
Oh, why not? I'm not having dinner with Chloe Brown Mueller, but if you would like to have a single date with Stan, be my guest.
I guess it's boys' night out.
Going big tonight.
I should take an extra Zantac.
What happened to the pony pencil case I gave you? A girl at school took it.
I asked for it back, but she pushed me and used one of Mama's angry driving words.
- Did you tell a teacher? - She told me I better not, then used one of Mama's angry talking-about-Grandma words.
That girl sounds like a bully.
You need to stand up to her.
And I'm gonna teach you how.
Shouldn't we loop in an adult on this? Advice from Taylor is rarely good.
I peed sitting down for way too long.
I know what to do.
When I was her age, this girl Erin Smith teased me every day.
She called me a "lezzie" because she thought that I was less than.
That is not what Erin meant.
Then one day, Erin pushed me too far, so I walked right up to her and punched her in the nose.
After that, the bullying stopped.
So if someone's treating me badly, I should punch them? Right in the nose.
Thanks, Taylor.
When she called you "lezzie," was that when you had short hair and were playing softball? Yeah.
I thought you were less than, too.
Stan and I had the best time ever.
Over drinks, we do you want the full recap where you glaze over, or should I skip to the end? Skip to the end.
And then Stan said, "No, at the Levitt Pavilion.
" [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Sounds great.
I'm happy you had fun with your new best friend in the whole wide world.
I know you're teasing me, but I don't care 'cause my best friend in the whole wide world invited us to the Mayflower Descendant's Reception at the Westport Colonial Fair! There's a silly group of words.
It's a reception honoring the descendants of the Mayflower.
Stan is one, and he offered to bring us as his personal guests.
Will Chloe be there? - Of course.
- [Coughing.]
Oh, I think I'm coming down with something.
- Katie.
- If you want, I will really commit and eat a dirty tissue.
This invitation is a real honor.
I can't turn Stan down.
He's my first real friend in Westport.
You have a ton of friends.
What about Doris' husband? - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- [Indistinct conversation.]
[Cellphone rings.]
Dave, you have no idea how much you're saving me right now.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Exactly my point.
For me, Chloe Brown Mueller is just as bad as Richard.
That wasn't your point.
You were actually trying to make the opposite point.
It's not important where the good idea comes from, the takeaway is I am not spending an entire day at the fair with her.
You know, I do a lot of stuff for you that I don't want to do.
I'm cashing in some of my marital chips.
- Chips? - Yeah, chips.
Points I get for going along with things you want to do when I don't.
- Like what? - [Camera shutter clicks.]
What happened to the afghan my Nana knitted us for our wedding? Well, like Nana, it's in a box and put to rest.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Thanks for agreeing to drive tonight.
Oh, sorry, hon, I'm already four deep.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Let's see "Trois Souvenirs De Ma Jeunesse.
" It's a French film about an anthropologist reflecting on his life before moving to Tajikistan.
We're seeing "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
" - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- But you loved "Batman v Superman.
" I only said that to make you happy.
"Batman v Superman" makes no sense.
What?! That movie is amazing.
Batman, the world's greatest detective, doesn't know Superman's weakness until Lex Luthor tells him.
There are five dream sequences in the movie.
None of them reveal anything about any character.
And, most importantly, Superman has heat vision.
He should have melted Batman in the first act, movie over.
But so much stuff blew up.
You have the best husband around.
- I know that.
- Do you? Because I'm pretty damn accommodating.
Mostly because I don't care and I'm happy to sacrifice for you.
But not on this one.
Every day around here is Katie time.
Right now, it's Greg time.
Mm, I don't know.
Sounds like you're messing with a system that works.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
I'll go.
And at the fair, you're gonna play nice with Chloe Brown Mueller because it's important to me.
Can I pull the "I had your babies" card? - No.
- Damn it.
Greg: Look, they've got a blacksmith, a cobbler, and a candle maker.
Stan: Of course, in the period, people traditionally made their own candles at home, - but I'm not gonna pull that thread.
- Yeah, we'll keep it light today.
Westport is one of the leading onion producers in the colonies.
And this is what an onion looks like.
- Touch it.
- No.
Pass it around.
[Laughs.]
- Isn't this fun? - So fun.
You there, the continental army needs able-bodied men as recruits.
Will you help us fight the British? A million times yes.
Actually, you're a minuteman, not a continental army regular.
Stan, keeping him honest.
- Mm-hmm.
Flagon of mead? - Love it.
Could you get a wide shot of me holding this musket? 'Course, but what sort of contraption is this? I've I've never seen anything like it.
Okay, just cut the crap and take the picture.
Okay.
[Scoffs.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
I'd do anything for Superman or Batman to come down here and kill all these people.
Good day, madam, do you want to learn how to churn butter? I really don't.
You there, you look like a woman who can churn butter.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds hurtful.
Hello, young lady, have you ever touched a butter churn before? What is it with you people and the butter?! Thank God, a bench.
Finally, something that doesn't make butter.
Hey.
Stop writing "chair thief" on all of my posts.
Why, whatever do you mean? I know "Addy Rondack" is you.
[Adirondack.]
I don't know who Addy Rondack is, but that's a good pun.
She seems like a very smart lady.
Well, she keeps saying that I stole Paul Newman's chairs, and now I got Joanne Woodward up my ass about it.
- Stan: Ladies, there you are.
- Oh.
[Chuckles.]
We have some very exciting news.
Greg: This weekend, the four of us are gonna participate in a reenactment of The Battle of Ridgefield! I apologize.
I stole that moment from you.
Please, go ahead.
The Battle of Ridgefield! Women can either be dying civilians or blood-covered nurses.
Strong opinions? - Either way.
- Mm.
Stan: Blood-covered nurses it is.
Tonight, we'll rehearse your distant look as you remember happier times before you knew the sound of a saw blade on a gangrenous leg.
He's so fun.
Ooh, butter churning! Come on, hon.
[Sighs.]
Do we have to go? Yes.
You owe me.
But you already spent your chips.
- I have so many more.
- How many more? Take in this dramatic pause.
So many.
Oh.
I need to find a way to get Chloe out of my life.
Maybe I'll try the strategy they used to win the Battle of Ridgefield, but that means I'd have to look it up.
So I won't.
Hey, you're in my spot.
Sorry, Anna-Kat, you snooze, you [Gasps.]
What the hell? You're being a bully.
Anna-Kat, good for you standing up for yourself.
Are you both out of your minds? - I'm bleeding! - [Chuckles.]
I don't know what Mom is always complaining about.
This parenting thing is super ascertaining.
Am I using that right? No.
At the colonial fair, I should have stuck your head in a butter churn and kept on churning.
At the colonial fair, I should have kicked you in the shins repeatedly with a steel-tipped boot.
You see, mine was better - because I used elements of the fair.
- Mm.
Oh, God, I find it really refreshing to openly hate another person.
Hate is a strong word, but also accurate.
I hate you.
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
Now, how are we going to get out of the Revolutionary War reenactment? Oh, Stan cashed in a ton of marriage points.
We call them chips.
Uh-huh.
We inherited my late mother's bunnies, so I pretty much have to go.
[Scoffs.]
The thought of being with you on a road trip makes me want to kill myself.
You're probably one of those women that does a lot of shoulder-dancing in the car.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I pump fists, too.
Oh, God, I already feel sick.
- You know what? - What? We should show our husbands this.
- What do you mean? - Our relationship.
If we show Greg and Stan how awful it is to be around us when we're together, they will never ask us to double date again.
I like that.
- Yes.
- Not you.
I hate you.
Back at you.
Bon appétit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah! Boom.
I did that.
Enjoy your eggs.
[Scoffs.]
Thanks so much for inviting Stan and Chloe over for dinner.
I really appreciate you making the effort.
Hey, it's a marriage.
We guilt each other into doing things.
[Doorbell rings.]
Good evening, sir.
No, good evening to you, sir.
We brought wine.
Ah, yes, this is a very special bottle commemorating my heritage as a Mayflower descendant.
- Oh.
- Did you know that the Mayflower was originally a wine transport? I did, but it's still fascinating.
Please, go on.
Well, it was originally a wine transport, - and that's all that I have.
- Oh.
Come on, Chloe.
Let's open this bottle and let it breathe.
[Indistinct conversation.]
Okay, this just got real boring real fast.
We need to end it quick.
Hey, Katie, it's so great to finally see your place.
I've always wondered what the tiny-house craze was about.
You know what I've always wondered, Chloe? What's that? Do the thousands of likes you get on your Instagram make up for the zero likes you get in real life? Do you have a cat or just a candle that smells like urine? Tell me your secret how do you keep your face looking so old? - They're looking.
- Okay, let's put this thing to bed.
Give me a little shove.
- Good idea.
- Okay.
Ah! [Bottle shatters.]
What the hell was that?! I didn't know you were gonna go flying.
What are you made of, hollow bones? That bottle was irreplaceable.
But to be fair, we were just about to drink it, so it would have been gone anyway.
It's kind of funny when you think about it that way.
Funny? That bottle represented the Mayflower and everything its passengers accomplished.
The Mayflower is important, but its historical significance has always been overstated.
Have you gone mad, sir? The Susan Constant, Discovery, and Godspeed all predate the Mayflower.
Yes, but you must agree, without the Mayflower, America never would have formed.
Now I ask you, sir have you gone mad? Let's remember our place here, Gregory.
You are a junior member at the Historical Guild.
Yes, but I only joined a few months ago.
You've been there for five years, and you're still just the recording secretary.
That was a low blow, sir.
Good day! Good day to you, sir! No, I am the one that says good day! Shouldn't we do something? I don't want Greg and Stan not to be friends.
No, who cares? As long as we never get to see each other again.
[Giggles.]
Babe, you okay? Yeah, I'm I'm fine.
I'm completely and totally fine.
Crap.
Greg's sad, and there's wine everywhere.
Should I ask him to help clean up? I mean, it would be a lot faster.
Hey, Greg.
I love you.
Good hold, Katie, good hold.
Greg only does puzzles when he's super depressed.
That piece is obviously part of the horse's hoof.
Come on, man! Need some help? Sure.
You were right.
They really are stupid Chloe Brown Mueller and stupid Stan Lawton.
I'm sorry that you and Stan got in a fight.
It's okay.
It just sucks because Stan is the first guy I really connected with in Westport.
Everyone else works in finance.
Whenever I say I'm a history professor, they say, "Oh, that's so cool.
I just spent $3,000 on a ticket for 'Hamilton.
'" [Cellphone dings.]
And to make matters worse, Stan just kicked me out of the Historical Guild.
Oh, babe.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
Maybe I'll just join the Westport bird-watching society and make new friends.
Oh, who am I kidding? They'll never take me.
If I would have just been a good wife, my husband would have still had his boyfriend.
For some reason, hearing that Greg is depressed really bums me out.
Me, too.
It's like hearing a puppy died.
Or that that panda at the zoo doesn't want to have sex with the other panda.
You and Chloe drove them apart.
It's your responsibility to put them back together.
Mm-hmm.
You should go talk to her.
- You should shut your face.
- Uh Sorry, she just really riles me up.
I'm not going to Chloe for help.
She'll just be all smug and have me grovel and beg.
And then she will enjoy every minute of it.
You don't know that.
Sure I do because if it was the other way around, I would be so mean and it would be so much fun.
Just suck it up and get it done.
Fine.
I'll go talk to Chloe.
Yeah, 'cause Greg's a saint.
I'd marry him if I had the chance.
You heard me.
He always smells like toffee.
Stay away from my husband.
[Laughter.]
How'd it go at recess today? Great.
I asked this boy if I could play with his ball.
He said no, so I punched him in the nose.
He ran away, and I took it.
Oh, crap.
All the other kids saw, so now I just take whatever toys I want.
Isn't it awesome? No! This is not awesome.
You're going to get in trouble.
No way.
I run that playground.
Going around punching whoever you want is bad.
No, it's not.
I punched Oliver and got my seat back.
I punched a kid at school, and now I have new toys.
And I get to cut in line at the tire swing.
Punching people works.
Just like you taught me.
Anna-Kat, promise me you'll please stop punching people.
[Sighs.]
Nah.
Okay, promise me you won't tell Mom any of this happened.
I'll do what I want to do! [Sighs.]
[Doorbell rings.]
[Door opens.]
[Gasps.]
Katie! You're trespassing.
I only need five minutes.
Can we talk inside? You know what? It is such a nice day, why don't we chat on the patio? Come on.
Katie, these are my Adirondack chairs.
Adirondack chairs, you remember Katie.
Come on, Katie.
Do this for Greg.
Without him, you wouldn't have Anna-Kat or those other two kids.
So what is it you wanted to discuss? I came here to ask for your help.
Appearance, manners, parenting? What are we talking about here? - For you hair? - No.
My husband is miserable without your husband, and I need you to convince Stan to become friends with him again.
Please.
Consider it done.
Seriously? Of course.
It's no skin off my back.
Why wouldn't I help? Well, thank you, Chloe.
[Chuckles.]
I thought this was gonna be, like, a whole I just need you to answer one question, though.
There she is.
Did I steal these chairs or did I get them fair and square? Excuse me? Did I steal these chairs or did I get them fair and square? The truth is you stole them! You're nothing but a damn chair thief.
So fun chatting with you.
Say hello to your sad husband for me.
[Scoffs.]
Chloe, wait.
You're not a chair thief.
You got these chairs fair and square.
There, you happy? - Now on film.
- What? Well, you slandered me on the Internet, the least you can do is correct it.
Okay, well, then, let's just get this over with.
- Great.
- Okay? So, um Hey, Internet.
Wait, could you start it with, "What's up, my Chlo-riders? It's me Katie.
" [Sighs.]
What's up, my Chlo-riders? It's me Katie.
Could you just give me a little more smile in the eyes? Hey, Greg, isn't today the anniversary of the Battle of Ridgefield? Yes.
Well, you should get dressed for battle.
Your ride just showed up.
What are you talking about? [Doorbell rings.]
Lieutenant Otto, 700 British are advancing on the town.
General Wooster needs his officers on the battlefield.
Shall we kill some redcoats, sir? If I die this day, let it be known that I died for freedom! I'm gonna go change.
I'll be right back.
[Giggles.]
Actually, I'm gonna wait by the car.
- Okay! - Hi, Katie.
Hi.
Ooh! Oh.
- Greg? - Greg: I'm fine, I'm fine, yeah.
Thanks for convincing Stan to take Greg back.
No thanks necessary.
I literally did nothing.
Stan was miserable without Greg, too.
And when you came to the house, he'd already decided to reach out.
So all those things that I said Didn't have to do any of it.
Well, that is just so funny.
But, Katie, for real, you have a lovely lawn.
Only thing missing Adirondack chairs.
I'll see you around, Kit-Kat.
And the worst part is I didn't tell Greg that I groveled for him, so I didn't even get the marital chips.
Being a halfway-decent wife sucks.
And the best part is these chairs once belonged to Paul Newman.
Kids, that's not true.
You wouldn't know about it, Greg.
His time in these chairs was very private.
How'd you convince Chloe to give you the chairs anyway? - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Ooh, let's hurry this up.
You two get caught stealing, slap on the wrist.
I just get seen in someone's backyard, I get shot.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- I just asked.
And she could not have been more gracious.
Oh.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Peaceful music playing.]
[Sighs.]
[Music continues.]
[Sighs.]
That bitch! Oh, that dirty little [bleep.]
! I'm gonna take those chairs and run them right up her ass! No!! My chairs! My beautiful chairs! Move.
Whatever happened between the two of you, I love it.