Back to You (2007) s01e15 Episode Script

[Man.]
Back to You is recorded In front of a live studio audience.
And finally, I have a correction from yesterday's broadcast.
When referring to Randi James, the new coach of the St.
John's women's basketball team I repeatedly said "he" and "big fella" when I should have said "she" and "big gal.
" [Clears Throat.]
Sorry, Randi.
- Back to you, Chuck.
- Thank you, Marsh.
Coach James is replacing the late, much beloved Dutch Malkin.
- He'll be missed.
- She.
How about that? We'll be right back after this.
Okay.
Quick.
Put on Channel 8.
Craig said he was gonna send me a little signal.
You ever send Peg any little romantic signals? When I rub my forehead, it means, "Keep the meat loaf warm.
" - Shh! - And Wade Guesser with the latest from the Steelers' locker room when we come back.
See? When he tugged his cuff- that means he's looking forward to our date tonight.
Oh, that is so sweet.
He looks even younger on camera.
- Does that make you feel weird? - It does now.
When I tug my cuff, it means I'm bringing home a pie for dessert.
Now, if I touch my tie, it means, "Don't forget to give the dog his pill.
" Now- - Have you ever heard of a telephone? - [Ryan.]
Thirty seconds.
- Oh.
Thank you, Donna.
- When we have more time I'd like to try something that'll really make your eyes pop.
- Sounds good.
Then you can try doing it with some makeup.
- [Chuckles.]
God, will I ever be that smooth? No.
Well, that was adorable.
Is that how anchor boy shows you where to clip on his mittens? You know how close I am to smacking you? - [Ryan.]
Ten seconds! - That's about right.
Look.
All right.
I'm sorry.
No more jokes about your personal life.
- I'd appreciate that.
[Clears Throat.]
- Okay.
You know what? I've been doing all these teasers lately.
Why don't you take this one? - Thanks, Chuck.
- Sure.
Coming up at 10:00.
Scandal rocks a local high school as a female teacher is accused of seducing a male student.
Older female predators.
They're closer than you think.
Yes, I saw it.
You were adorable.
Did you see me flip my hair? That was my signal that I saw your signal.
Hurry up.
We're gonna be late for homeroom.
I gotta go.
Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
Yeah.
Me too.
Bye.
So, how's Craig? - He's fine.
- No, no, no.
How is he? Montana, if you are asking about my sex life - I don't feel comfortable talking about it, you know- - Oh, come on.
We need to be more open.
How are we supposed to seem like a family to our viewers if we don't act like one? Besides, it's just us girls.
Okay.
Well, I am kind of excited because tonight is our third date, and you know what that could mean.
You're gonna sleep with him for the third time? Hey, guys.
Uh, If Ryan needs me, I'll be back In an hour.
- Where you going? - Oh, I just gotta run a few errands.
- He's got couples therapy.
- Montana! I heard you on the phone.
Hey.
We're family.
- Kelly's gonna sleep with Craig tonight.
- Montana! There you are.
I'll be back In an hour.
- He's got couples therapy.
- Montana! Oh, he doesn't care.
He's too busy freaking out about his big, secret date tonight.
Montana! We're family.
Now we know everything about everybody.
Getting some, not getting some, probably not getting some.
Coffee's here.
Thank you.
Ah! Do you have change for a 10? Ten American dollars? I'm from Uniontown.
Ah! What a coincidence.
We also have one of those here in Pennsylvania.
- Put your money away, Marsh.
I got this one.
- Oh, Chuck.
- There you go.
No, no.
Listen.
- [All Protesting.]
You all spend a lot of time working hard to make me look good.
It's the least I can do.
- Chuck.
- [Gasps.]
Oh.
This is really nice although I probably shouldn't have it.
I'm already so wired.
Anyway, thanks.
You always make everyone feel special.
Well, it's- it's my pleasure, uh Margaret.
Oh, uh, here's your espresso, Kelly.
- Thank you.
- And, uh chocolate milk for your beau.
All right.
Is it really so threatening to you that I'm dating a younger man? Hardly.
I find it flattering.
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
Your attraction to a brash, young newsman his arrogance tempered by charm.
You couldn't have the original, so you settled for a knockoff.
Oh, my God.
I think you might have Chuck on the brain.
[Chuckles.]
I think I might upchuck on my desk.
- [Knocking.]
- Yeah.
Come on in.
- Here you go, Chuck.
- Oh, thank you.
Who's that from? This is from me.
Wow.
Things are really getting serious between you and you.
No.
This is from me to a certain beautiful, young makeup girl.
"Me.
You.
Dinner.
Chuck.
" - Yeah.
- Oh.
Good thing you signed it.
- She might think it was from Tarzan.
- Uh-huh.
I don't remember you complaining when you took a swing on that particular vine.
What woman would actually think that is special? It's impersonal and lame.
You know, for somebody who hates lame moves you certainly got all giggly over Craig's little cuff tug.
- Well, that was sweet and original.
- Original? - I was doing that 15 years ago.
- Oh, you were not.
I was too.
I had Tiffany Renee Jessica.
And one magical weekend, I actually had the Radford twins.
Are you sure they were twins, or were they just trying to drive the price up? You have a lovely time tonight.
Let me know how I am.
- Chuck.
- Ooh.
The answer is yes.
I would love to have dinner with you tonight.
- Excuse me? - I didn't think anyone knew it was my birthday.
And I certainly didn't think anyone was gonna do anything special to commemorate it, especially you.
Oh, dear.
Uh, that rose is- Is the sweetest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
- That can't be true.
- It is.
- But- - It is.
- Hey, Chuck.
- Donna.
Hi, Donna.
Look what Chuck gave me.
We're having dinner tonight.
Oh.
Nice.
Have fun.
- Yeah.
- She must be dying.
Poor thing's always had the hots for you.
You- screwed.
Me- happy! [Groaning.]
What happened to you? - Nothing.
- Gary, we're family.
Fine.
I hurt my back in couples therapy.
I think you're doing it wrong.
No.
The therapist said that Kitty keeps her feelings bottled up because there's not enough trust in the marriage so he had us do some trust exercises.
- You know that one when you fall backwards? - And your partner catches you? Ideally.
Hey, Chuck.
They called to confirm your reservation at Bouchon.
Oh, right.
Thanks.
I think I might not be going, actually, but- - Bouchon? - Ooh! Is that where we're going? I've never been there.
It sounds magical.
Well, uh, I- I hear it is.
Yes.
Yes.
I- I just hope nothing comes up.
- Chuck.
- What, Ryan? Not some emergency.
Bad news, buddy.
You've gotta work tonight.
Damn the luck! Margaret, I- - I need you to go downtown to cover the fire.
- W- There's a fire? - Why aren't we covering it now? - Oh.
Well, uh- They don't wanna cause widespread panic, so th-they're keeping it a secret.
It's a secret fire? Chuck, good news just came over the police scanner.
That big secret fire- they put it out.
But that's impossible! No, no.
The secret fire department was right on top of it.
Well, lucky us.
I guess it's, uh, Bouchon at 10:45? - Bouchon at 10:45.
- Good.
Bouchon at 10:45.
Bouchon at 10:45.
What's happening? - Oh, I- I repeat things so that I'll remember them.
- Oh.
- It's a mnemonic device.
- Ah, well.
That's- [Chuckles.]
That's certainly very charming.
I- [Chuckles.]
Try it myself sometime.
Never leave a rose unattended.
Never leave a rose unattended.
- Was that necessary? - It was to put this smile on my face.
I thought that was what your little tub of "I can't believe it's not Chuck" was for.
Okay.
Craig is nothing like you.
As a matter of fact, I've made a list of all the ways he's different.
- You made a list.
- Mm-hmm.
- How long did that take you? - Not long.
Forty-five minutes.
Oh, my God! You are obsessed with me.
Number one.
Craig is not shallow.
- And I am? - Oh, please.
You practically chewed your own arm off to get out of a date with Margaret just because she doesn't look like all those vapid little girls you usually go out with.
Oh, and you're saying that Donna the makeup girl is vapid? She names her brushes.
Well, she's better than Margaret repeating things like a nut and materializing out of thin air.
She's like some mental patient from the future.
Why do I even try to have a conversation with you? Because you're obsessed with me.
- I'm in here.
- Hey.
What are you doing, buddy? Nothing.
I just need a little privacy.
Are you putting on makeup? Maybe.
It's just a little touch-up.
I have a date tonight, and I- I wanna look good.
What the hell kind of date is it? You wouldn't understand.
Ryan, I'm a million years old.
There's nothing you can tell me about women and dating that I don't already know.
- It's a cyber date.
- Huh? She lives in New Mexico and we've been chatting online for a couple of months now and she wants to hook up our webcams and see each other for the first time.
I- I really, really want her to like me so I think I might have oversold my looks a little.
What'd you say you look like? A cross between Anakin Skywalker and Aladdin.
All right.
Let me help you out.
You're a handsome guy.
We just have to highlight those masculine, rugged features of yours.
Make kissy lips.
Hey.
[Groans.]
- What are you guys doing? - Getting Ryan ready for his cyber date.
Oh.
The girl from New Mexico who you wrote that poem for.
Montana told me.
Um, you're a little low on that blush.
Blend up.
Hello.
I'm not done yet.
- That is a really nice color on you, by the way, Gary.
- Thanks.
Nice to get a compliment every once in a while.
Can't pry one out of Kitty these days.
- She still taking you for granted? - Oh.
You and she ought to switch jobs for one day.
Then she'd know how hard you work.
Look up.
I know she loves me, but sometimes I just want to hear it.
Like it would make her less of a woman to express a feeling every now and again.
Women.
Did I tell you Peg put the kibosh on my drumming lessons? - Oh, she didn't.
- But you love drums! You know what you need? Chocolate.
Mmm! You know, the news just seemed so much more intense in the old days.
Now that everything's on tape, we don't even get to say "Film at 11:00.
" [Chuckles.]
Actually, I've said that.
Okay.
Not that, but way back when.
Like you'd be sitting there and some guy would run up and hand you copy? Yeah.
I've done that too.
[Sighs.]
All right.
Hey.
Stop that.
You're one of the most beautiful women that I've ever known.
Oh, for God sakes.
- Wow.
I didn't see that one backfiring.
- [Sighs.]
No, no.
No.
It wasn't you.
That was very sweet.
No.
Chuck just walked in.
Hello, kids.
[Chuckles.]
So, I'll bet you read a review of this place in today's paper.
- I did.
- [Chuckles.]
Aren't we just two peas in a pod? You are not two peas in a pod.
That's ridiculous.
"Peas in a pod.
" Why don't you think before you talk? Have a wonderful evening.
Don't you have a date to disappoint? She's not here yet, although she does have a way of creeping up on you.
- Hi, Chuck.
- Whoa! Margaret.
Sorry I'm late.
I couldn't decide what to wear.
Wow.
You look amazing.
- Thank you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Oh, that can't be true.
- It is.
- But- It is.
You and Chuck seem to have a pretty complicated relationship.
No, no.
I sort of trapped him into going out with this gal so, of course, he brings her here to prove to me that he can get through a whole date without someone who's a vapid airhead.
- Hmm.
- Big baby.
I'm sorry.
What were we talking about? - Pretty much Chuck.
- [Exhales Sharply.]
Just ignore him.
I am.
[Inhales, Exhales Deeply.]
All right.
Here I go.
- Do I look okay? - No.
You look gorgeous.
Thank you, guys.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, she's already logged on.
I'm starting to sweat again.
Can I get a little more powder? - There is no more powder.
- In the world.
- I'm so nervous.
- Listen, kid.
No matter how pretty she is, remember, there's a good chance she's got a giant can.
Or else why would she be doing this? Now get in there.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
- Shelley? - Ryan? - Hi.
Nice to finally see you.
- Yeah.
You too.
- [Shelley Chuckles.]
- Is- Is that a life-size Lost In Space robot behind you? Yeah.
Yeah.
I sold my car for it.
Oh, that is awesome.
- Oh! - I love that show! Oh! Oh! Have you seen the original pilot? Only this morning.
[Honking Laugh.]
[Honking Laugh.]
You know, you're, uh- you're crazy pretty.
Oh, thank you.
You're really cute too.
- This is so sweet.
- Get her to stand up.
- [Mouthing Words.]
- Okay.
So.
Yeah.
I've been collecting vintage newsreels for years.
You mean like the old Fox Movietones? Yeah.
I even have a silent one that covers the Titanic.
Wow! I would love to see that.
Oh, it's amazing.
When they pan- Wait.
Don't ruin the ending for me.
[Chuckles.]
I'm going live 20 minutes after this tornado touches down and I'm looking at these people, and I'm thinking to myself, "My God.
I- I should sell the camera.
I- I-I should sell the microphone.
" I mean, these people have nothing.
You know who I feel sorry for? Margaret.
- She thinks she's on a real date.
- Hmm.
So did I.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Let's switch seats.
That way, I won't have to watch his little play.
It's not fooling anybody anyway.
Then I can just- just focus on you.
Okay? - Great.
- Good.
- Better? - Much better.
Okay.
So, this little girl walks up to me, and she's holding half a teddy bear- Unbelievable! - You can see him in the mirror, can't you? - Well- He's feeding her his dessert.
Okay.
We get it.
You're deep.
Geez.
- What do you think? - Wow.
That's some bad chocolate mousse.
It is, isn't it? I think they may have used actual moose.
- I'll have to make you mine sometime.
- I'd love that.
- You would? - Why are you so surprised? Come on.
You're Chuck Darling.
You could have any woman you want.
Why would you pick me? I'm- - Margaret, don't.
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
You are an attractive, intelligent- [Groans.]
It's my husband.
What? No.
You do it.
You tuck them in.
Because, Phil, it's my birthday and I'm doing something I want for once.
And you'd better not be in that bed when I bring him home tonight.
Excuse me.
Uh, K-Kelly? Hi.
What's going on? I don't know.
She's got her coat on, and he's getting the check.
Oh, now the waiter is blocking them.
- What are you doing? - You know what? I'm gonna go.
Oh, no.
Don't go.
No, Craig.
Wait.
- [Murmurs.]
- Craig.
You know, I've gotta compete with Chuck on the air.
I really don't wanna do it in my personal life.
I'll talk to you later.
Get that "heh, heh, heh" smirk off your face.
I am not obsessed with you.
You're the one that sat here all night trying to prove how deep you are.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
I didn't even remember you were here until two seconds ago.
Oh, please.
What was all the giggling and the feeding each other? Are you telling me that wasn't for my benefit? What did you have, a periscope? I was having a wonderful time.
She is a fascinating, surprising person.
Did you know that she has a vintage collection of newsreels and is an adulterous mother of two? Wha- Margaret is married? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Thanks again for putting out my secret fire.
- Oh! What is wrong with me? It's not you.
It's us.
We waste so much time and energy fighting, competing trying to prove each other wrong.
- And for what? - You're right.
How many evenings have to be ruined? How many relationships have to crash and burn? I know.
Why can't we just admit to each other that us ending up here together like this is no accident? Why not put aside the false pride and acknowledge the fact that this is what you wanted all along? Maybe you're right.
- [Chuckles.]
- I mean, maybe I'm attracted to Craig because he's a young you.
The question is, why am I sitting here with the old you? If you want me, I'll be on top of Craig.
- Hi, Chuck.
- [Gasps.]
You know, you really should put a bell around your neck.
[Marsh.]
So, how was dinner last night? Well, for starters, I had an entire plate of potatoes, which I do not need.
- Oh, shut up.
You look great.
- I wasn't fishing, but thank you.
Then, after leading me on all night, it turns out my date is married.
- Married? - Mm-hmm.
Unbelievable.
Women are pigs.
Tell me about it.
[Clears Throat.]
Well, see you guys out there.
- What is he thinking with those pants? - Right.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Children Chattering.]