Better With You s01e15 Episode Script

Mmm.
This is great.
Are you sure you don't want any? (Tv playing indistinctly) No.
You're the one with the pregnancy cravings.
Plus, it's 9 in the morning and I haven't even had my breakfast yet.
Ooh.
Breakfast sounds good.
Let me finish this pizza, and then we'll go out for croissan'wiches.
Thank you.
Ooh.
Ohh.
I already see we have a couple of issues.
Ooh, I'll say.
The cheese to tomato sauce ratio is all off.
Yeah, and I don't think it was cut right.
What is this, a giant slice and his little buddies? (Chuckles) Yeah.
(Gasps) Oh, my.
What's, uh, going on here? Oh! That's a rogue olive.
Yep.
(Chuckles) Okay.
You don't belong here.
You need to go back home.
Mm.
(Chuckles) You're no longer in our delivery area.
Well, that's been happening a lot lately.
Ooh.
31 minutes.
That pizza is free.
But I've been knocking for the last 12 minutes.
Yeah.
Tell it to the door.
(Man) I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through I am such a mess even at my best I'm better with you So it's this awesome Japanese game show where they blindfold you and make you carry your best friend's cat through a room full of dogs.
(Crunches) I've said it before, and I will say it again.
The Japanese are beating us at everything.
You should come over tonight and watch it.
Sounds good.
Can I bring anything? Before you answer that, it's just a figure of speech.
I'm not bringing anything.
Or instead of just watching life, what do you say we go out and live life at the shamrock?! What's the shamrock? (Chuckles) It's my favorite bar.
I have been going there for years.
Everybody knows my name.
When I walk in, they all yell, "Ben!" Actually they yell, "Ted!" That's what they thought my name was at first, and correcting them at this point just seems kinda awkward.
Hmm.
They're not wrong.
He's often seemed like more of a Ted to me or a clive.
Yeah.
And when you wear that weird trench coat, I think of you as a Susan.
For the last time, it is fitted.
It is how Europeans wear them.
Yeah.
European women.
(Laughs) You know, if you guys come with me tonight, you might see me get my shamrock.
Once you hang out there long enough, they put a shamrock with your name up on the wall.
It's, uh, it's quite the honor.
All right, I'll check out your bar, but I gotta tell ya, it sounds kinda lame.
Oh, lame.
(Chuckles) Okay.
Well, tell me, uh, would a bar that was lame get positive reviews from not one but several online communities? I think that's exactly what it would do.
Oh, girls, I almost forgot to tell you.
You know the charity my women's group supports? Oh, yeah, the one that teaches former gang members how to make cupcakes? No.
No.
You're thinking of "bake back the night.
" No.
This one teaches homeless people flower arranging.
It's called "skid roses.
" (Chuckles) So we're just running out of causes then.
Is that what's happening? Anyway, they are holding their annual fund-raising dinner in a couple of days, and I only get one extra ticket, so which one of you wants to go? I think I have the invites in my purse.
(Chuckles) That does sound really fun.
It's just too bad only one of us can go.
(Mumbles and grunts) Yeah.
Sounds great, mom.
(Mumbles and grunts) Their secret language is weird.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I started to figure it out.
I think they're talking about wolf blitzer's hair.
I'd love to go, mom.
I couldn't be more excited.
Oh, great.
I must have left the invites at home.
Joel, come on.
See ya later, boys.
Hey.
I'm going out with the guys tonight.
Yeah, it's Casey and Ben.
Don't try to make it sound cool.
Ohh, I cannot believe I have to go to another one of those parties with mom.
What's so bad about it? Well, it's not just the party.
It's a whole day of consulting on and coordinating outfits.
Ohh.
Then there's the pre-party tea with the ladies from the club, whose response to everything you say is (Nasal voice) "Enjoy it now, 'cause it's not gonna last.
" Yeah, and then there's the old guys.
I mean, who uses the pickup line, "hey, you look just like my dead wife"? That is good.
I gotta remember that.
Casey.
Don't get mad at me.
You're the one who died.
(Men) Ted! (Chuckles) Yeah, wow.
They really do know you.
Sort of.
Hey, I-I thought Joel was meeting us here.
Uh, Vicky said he fell asleep on the toilet.
Why not say couch? How hard is it to say couch? So what's the deal with getting a shamrock? You buy a beer, they give you a stamp on that card or something? (Chuckles) No.
Casey.
Casey, please.
If it were that easy, then anybody could do it.
No, no, no, no, no.
(Clicks tongue) There is a subtle art to this process.
You can't just ask the bartender for a stamp.
You've got to earn a stamp by telling him a funny joke or something.
Hey.
You think Nick swisher has a shamrock? Nick swisher the yankee? Why would he have one? Because he's right there.
Oh, my God! (Panting) Okay.
We have to get out of here.
If he sees me (Whispering) He's gonna kick my ass! Are you sure you wanna leave? 'Cause you and Nick swisher in a fight is definitely gonna make that bartender laugh.
We have history! A few years ago I went to yankee stadium with Maddie.
(Ben) She went to get food.
I had to move my stuff to make room (Bat hits ball) And my blanket fell over the side (Crowd cheering) Right when Nick swisher was going out to get the last out! (Booing) You're on the tv! You're on the big tv! Oh! Oh, hold these! Hold these! B-Ben Coles! Ben Coles! (Laughs) The Yankees lost, swisher was out for a month with a concussion, and Mr.
Putney called me "yankee killer" for two years.
Wow.
That is crazy.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go.
(Clears throat) (Normal voice) Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, bro.
I didn't mean to do I know you? Uh, no.
That I don't know why you would know (Chuckles) Did we play minor league ball together? (Laughs, inhales deeply) It is not that, dude.
Oh, you should see this guy run.
Whew.
Okay, then.
Bye! That dude does run weird.
(Chuckles) See? Oh, it's like one leg doesn't know the other one's there.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
You're home.
I need your advice on something.
Yeah, sure.
Just give me a second to lock the balcony door.
What are you doing? We're not having sex right now.
No! I ran into Nick swisher at the bar.
I think he recognized me, and he may have followed me home and is gonna kill me in my sleep.
Ben, Nick swisher isn't gonna come into our home and kill you.
If he was gonna kill you, he'd do it someplace public, so he could really send a message.
I know you're kidding, but that's a good point.
Look at this.
It's an article about charities wasting money on expensive parties and lavish gift bags instead of spending it on their causes, and they specifically mention my mom's charity.
Oh, wow.
That's terrible.
Yeah, sure, it's terrible, awful, all that stuff, but they're giving away the most incredible gift bag! Oh, good.
Finally an upside to helping people.
Oh, I know.
Look.
Inside the gift bag, there's gonna be an original animation cel from "the little mermaid"! It was my favorite movie as a kid.
My parents used to call me Ariel.
Really? Didn't Ariel have red hair? And since Mia had red hair, I would assume she I was Ariel! (Sighs) I have to get that gift bag.
(Rings) Hey, Maddie.
What's up? Listen, about mom's party, I've been thinking, you're pregnant, and it can't be healthy for the baby to be subjected to that kind of boredom.
(Chuckles) Okay.
Plus, there'll be no other fetuses there for him to talk to, so if you want, I can go, and you could just do the next one.
Hell, yeah! (Chuckles) And I'm gonna hang up the phone before you change your mind.
She is the best.
Ohh.
Ooh.
An article about charities.
Casey? (Sighs) I've gotta get this last stamp.
Let's just hope Swisher's not here.
Or let's hope that he is.
Why do you have that? Oh, it has been my lifelong dream to play catch with the Yankees, so if Swisher's here, dream achieved.
Then I can move on to my next dream giving Hillary Clinton a haircut.
Well, it, uh It doesn't look like he's here.
All right.
Maybe ol' swish-man doesn't know a good bar when he sees one.
You guys hear the great news? Nick swisher bought the bar.
Huh? (Chuckles) Whoa! (Laughs) Sorry, Ted.
So that's it.
I can't ever go back to my favorite bar, and I'm never going to get my shamrock.
Maddie? Can I make a little shamrock and hang it up here? Sure.
That'd be fun.
I'll hang one up, too.
Well, you you kinda have to earn it.
I'm going to mom's charity thing tonight, but I'll help you find a new bar tomorrow if you want.
(Sighs) A new bar? It took years to find a place where I fit in.
If you remember, it was not easy.
(Crowd cheering on tv) Yeah! Go, giants! Kill 'em! (Chuckles) This is an eagles bar, isn't it? (Air horn wails) Ohh! So, um You guys like the "twilight"? (Hisses) I had no idea cigars were so awesome.
(Retching) (Inhales and exhales deeply) Do you have a mint? Hello.
Hey.
I didn't know you were stopping by.
(Chuckles) And why are you so dressed up? Oh, yeah.
I wanted to talk to you about that event tonight.
You know, it was so nice of you to offer, but I've been thinking, it's my turn.
I really should be the one to go.
Oh.
(Chuckles) It's funny you say that, because I've been thinking even more, and it just confirmed to me how much more sense it makes for me to go.
Oh.
(Chuckles) It's even funnier that you said that, because I've been thinking more than anybody that you actually want to go to that party.
(Chuckles) What? That's ridiculous.
I don't want to go.
Why would anyone want to go? There is nothing good at all that could come out of it.
Oh, really? Not even a one-of-a-kind animation cel from "the little mermaid"?! (Sighs) Damn it.
Since when do you read? (Smacks table) I want that cel, okay? That was my favorite movie growing up.
Mom and dad used to always call me Ariel, because I look like the little mermaid, because I have red hair.
They called me Ariel! Uh, no.
They called you Sebastian the crab.
I had a sunburn that summer, and I had to walk sideways because of a volleyball injury! You are not gonna take this from me.
I deserve to go.
I've gone on so many more mom dates than you have.
Fine.
Fine.
We will just have to settle it the way that we used to.
Breath-holding contest.
(Both inhale deeply) Guys.
Come on.
Don't do this.
Never ends well.
(Thud) (Strained voice) You're breathing through your nose! You're talking! I haven't breathed back in yet! (Exhales deeply) Ohh.
This is ridiculous.
We can't do this.
Yeah.
(Normal voice) You're probably right.
It's not good for the baby.
(Sighs) Let's just let mom decide.
We'll go over there right now, and she can pick who she wants to spend time with her firstborn, the one whose middle name is the same as her beloved mother, or the one who's carrying her grandchild.
I'm really starting to not like that kid.
Where's mom? We need her to settle something.
She's getting ready.
She'll be out in a minute.
(Sighs) Dad? What's going on here? Oh, we ran into Mark Teixeira at the shamrock, and contractually he can only play catch with people wearing an Anderson brand mitt, which is very expensive.
However, markers Are in the junk drawer.
Wait a minute.
You guys were all hanging out at the shamrock? That place is awesome now.
It is everything that you could want from a bar.
Um, I know.
I'm the one who told you about it.
Yeah, but since Nick swisher bought it, it's even better.
Well, how is that possible? Maybe I'll start charging eventually, but for now, drinks are on the house! (Cheering) Ohh! I can't believe all this fun is going on at my bar, and I can't even go inside! You know, I found that place first.
If anybody should be having an amazing time there, it should be me! Buddy, you know what you gotta do? You gotta confront this thing, so you can put it behind ya.
When I was in High School, I played hockey.
I was the best player on the team, and we won the state championship.
I don't understand that.
I just remembered at that moment that I had never told you that story.
It's cool, right? Yes.
(Chuckles) Thank you.
You're a good friend.
(Slaps shoulder) (Sighs) All right.
I guess I should go down to the bar, tell Nick swisher who I really am, apologize, and hope he forgives me.
No matter what, you should know this there was a picture of our hockey team in the paper.
What are you girls doing here? Oh! Mom, we both want to go tonight, so you have to pick one of us.
Yeah, well, technically, if you choose me, you'd be choosing two, because (Whispers) You know, your grandson.
(Chuckles) That's a good point.
She can't drink with you.
I can.
Oh.
Better point.
You know, I hate that I only have two tickets.
I don't know how I'm gonna choose.
Oh! Here.
Okay.
Look, all you have to do is take the tickets, okay, and you put 'em Wait a minute.
There's six tickets in here.
Oh! I forgot to tell you.
I got more.
(Chuckles) But you just said you only had two.
Are you calling me a liar? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you are going to accuse my wife of being a liar At least let me and the guys get outta here first.
Go, go, go, go.
(Door closes) Mom, why did you lie to us? Because I said so, that's why.
That doesn't even make sense.
You know what, young lady? I don't like your tone.
Go to your room.
Okay, now you're just spouting generic mom threats.
I will count to five.
One two Mom.
We're not leaving until we get some answers.
Three I don't know, maddie.
She's getting really close to five.
Do you like seeing us fight over you or something? That's sick.
It's because I'm tired of being left out.
Left out? You two have always been so close, and I I end up feeling like the third wheel, so if I only invite one of you, that can't happen, but you know what? Just forget it.
I don't want either one of you there.
I will just go to the skid roses event by myself.
(Door closes) (Both) Now look what you did! Jinx! (Sighs) (Lowered voice) All right.
Now's your chance.
Go over there and apologize.
I mean, what's the worst that's gonna happen? It's not like he can beat you up in the middle of a bar.
Yeah, because no one's ever been beaten up in a bar before.
I guess that's why the term "bar fight" doesn't exist.
Okay, so worst-case scenario you get your ass kicked by a yankee, which, in the grand scheme of things, is still pretty cool.
All right.
All right.
I'm gonna do it.
Ohh.
Ben.
Don't worry.
We got your back.
(Exhales deeply) Hey, Nick! S-swish.
Sw Mr.
sw Mr.
swisher.
Uh, look, all right, the the truth is that you do you recognize me, and we have a history, and I owe you my deepest a wait a minute.
I remember you.
You're the guy who sold me my Escalade! Yes! Yes, I sell Escalades! (Chuckles) How's Michael doing? He's great! (Chuckles) You two got married in Vermont, right? (High-pitched voice) Uh (Normal voice) Yeah! I guess we did.
Ha ha! Ooh.
I didn't realize we were inviting the actual homeless people to this event.
That's Sylvia Gilbert's husband.
He's an artist.
Well, that's two sides of the same coin, isn't it? (Both chuckle) Mom.
Girls, what are you two doing here? We wanted to apologize.
We had no idea we were excluding you.
Yeah, when we were kids and we were in our own little world, that was one thing, but now we're older And we realize that now we're two adults ignoring another adult, and that's not okay.
We're really sorry.
Oh Okay, look, I just I love that you two are so close, and I love that you talk to each other so much, but sometimes that's all you do talk to each other even when I'm around.
You know, after Mia was born, I I imagined we would one day be this, uh, amazing threesome.
We'd we'd hang out all the time We can hang out whenever you want.
(Chuckles) We'd we'd go to tea at a fancy hotel Oh, we'd love to have tea with you.
We'd dress alike.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) We'd love to have tea with you.
We won't exclude you anymore, mom.
Ohh.
I guess we're just a couple of cliquey bitches.
I don't mind that.
I just I wanna be a cliquey bitch, too.
(Laughs) Oh! How about this? How about we teach you our secret language? (Gasps) You would do that for me? Mm-hmm.
Well, that would be great.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh! Then (Chuckles) Mm.
(Lowered voice) The next time we come here, we can talk about what a slut that Claudia Bovington is.
(Laughs) Ooh.
I am in.
(Chuckles) Now the first thing you need to know is, like the eskimos have a hundred words for "snow," we've got, like, twice that for "slut.
" Yeah.
(Chuckles) Mm.
Oh! Another mudslide.
Yay! I'm so glad you remembered my favorite drink.
It's all you talked about during the test-drive.
(Whispers) What kind of an Escalade salesman am I? Bro, I love that car so much, if there's anything I can do to help you out, let me know.
(Normal voice) Well, actually, you know what? I-I'm only one stamp away from getting my shamrock up on the wall.
Done.
Really? What's your last name again? Coles! That's right.
Bruce coles.
Make this shamrock out for Bruce coles.
Jeez, I feel bad calling you Ted all these years, Bruce.
(Chuckles) Actually, uh, "b.
Coles" is fine.
Just (Whispers) Yes! How are you girls doing? You having a good time at my bar? (Giggles and mumbles) (Chuckles and snorts) (Mumbles and grunts) Hey, it's ready! Hey, everyone! This gay Escalade salesman is getting his shamrock! (Cheering) Put it wherever you want, Bruce! All right.
Oh! (Laughs) Hey, buddy, toss me that tape! Sure thing, Nick swisher! Catch! Oh! (Clatter) Now I remember you.
You're the blanket guy.
Go, Yankees! Boston fans.
Mmm.
Oh, you can have the last bite.
Oh, you can have it.
No, no, no.
I insist.
You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
We'll probably just end up throwing it away anyway.
(Chuckles) Okay.
(Sighs) Wow.
Just (Clatters) Wow.
You can have it.
Oh, no.
(Chuckles) Nice try.
Uh, I'm not falling for that.
I want you to have it.
Okay.
Yes! I win.
(Chuckles) That cake tastes better than winning, doesn't it? Mm-hmm.
Do you want anything from the kitchen? No, I'm good.
(Lowered voice) And if you want me to eat the last bite of cake, don't say anything.
Thank you.
Come on.
Let's g (Mouth full) Go where? I just said, if you want to have sex tonight, don't say anything.
Aw, man.