Bizaardvark (2016) s01e15 Episode Script

1 (piano playing) (echoing) This song Is so dramatic (echoing) I got feelings So many feelings Paige: And now there's wind - Whoosh.
- That's more dramatic Frankie: Look, I'm at a rainy window It's like the window's crying too - This song - Key change.
Got more dramatic I tried to fight against the wind But then it's really picking up - My pain - Another key change.
My pain, it hurts me Those words are really vague But oh, my gosh, are they dramatic Dramatic! All right, this is excessive.
Dra-dra-dramatic! The wind is back again And oh, no, look! The flower's dead! Both: This song Only 800 views? This video has been up for a month.
(sighs) I'm beginning to think we're gonna have to go to college.
Paige, do not jump to worst-case scenarios! Why aren't our videos more popular? We put so much thought into them.
Maybe that's the problem.
Have you seen what's big online? This guy has 50 million views and he just says, - "Wobble, wobble.
" - Man: Wobble, wobble.
(laughs) Why am I laughing at that? But I don't want to make dumb videos like that.
Our stuff is good.
It's that kind of attitude that's keeping us from being the next Guy Who Sneezes Like a Goat.
(guy sneezes like goat) (laughs) Why am I laughing at that? My point is, the less thinking you do, the more popular you are online.
So, let's make a video that we put no thought into and break the Internet.
Think about it.
But don't, because again, that is the key to failure.
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's be the next Egg Sliding Down a Wall.
(both laugh) Why are we laughing at that? (theme music playing) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Dear CEO of Muscle Dragon Muscle Powder, I have been trying to unscrew your lid for hours.
It is impossible.
Sup, Bern-man? Muscle Dragon? I love the new easy-open lid.
Yeah? I wouldn't know.
I usually just punch a hole in the side.
What's with the boxes? Moving out of my parents' house.
We had a big blowup last night.
I'm sorry.
What was the argument about? No, I did a dare that blew up my bedroom.
What was the dare? To blow up my bedroom.
Well, a random person online tells you to do something, you gotta do it.
Hey, you should move in with me and my grandma.
Dirk and Bernie as roomies.
Imagine how awesome that would be.
Bernie: Me and my friend living together Life is really fun Me and my friend getting our lift on Gonna be jacked when we're done Me and my friend hanging with showgirls It's what roomies do Me and my friend benching with showgirls Drinking Muscle Powder too! Bern-man, are you okay? You just zoned out for like 45 seconds.
I'm better than okay.
You're coming to live with us.
(mumbling theme song) Bernie? Bern-man? (sighs) Lost him again.
Okay, in the spirit of not thinking, I put up a bunch of words on this board.
We'll throw these darts, and whatever words they hit, that's the video we make.
Remember, simple idea.
No thinking required.
Got it.
"Meaning.
" "Life.
" "Meaning" of "life"? Really? That's the first one you threw? All right, you try.
Paige: "Xylophone.
" "Monorail.
" Is that like a xylophone that rides on the monorail or a monorail made of xylophones? Ooh! Maybe there's a town called Xylophone Too much thinking.
Let's try again.
Frankie: "Electronic.
" "Mail.
" Email? Why didn't we do this 30 years ago? We'd be billionaires! Is that Moosetashio? That moose costume we bought last year when we were trying to sneak into the zoo for free? Yeah.
Remember we got banned because you freaked out the meerkats? Sometimes at night I can still hear their screams.
Hey, why don't we make a video where I just dress up as Moosetashio and act like an idiot? Frankie, that is the laziest thing you have ever (gasps) (ragtime music plays) Frankie: I'm Moosetashio the Moose.
Do you know what "Moosetashio" rhymes with? Whoa! Moosetashio, that doesn't rhyme! Neither does this! Awooga-ooga-ooga! Do you have anything else to say before you get going, Moosetashio? Yeah, my catchphrase.
Moose-aroni! Both: See you later, Moosetashio! (ragtime music plays) Wow, that was really dumb.
Post it.
I don't want him living with us, Bernard.
He's like a wild animal.
(gasping) Collectible plates? A laundry chute? A tacky old-lady couch? I wonder if it's bouncy.
(gasps) It is! Please? He can do tricks! Hey, DareHeads! Today, I'm gonna walk everywhere on my hands.
Here we go! Well, he is kind of cute.
So, he can stay? Okay, but he's your responsibility.
Ya have to feed him and clean up after him.
Otherwise, he's going back to the shelter of his own home.
Thanks, Grandma.
You won't even notice he's here.
Oh! (laughs) Starting now.
Yippee! (crashing, thudding) - Now.
- (crashing, clattering) - Now.
- (crashing, clattering) Okay, now I feel like I'm causing it.
I'm having second thoughts about our Moosetashio video.
And first thoughts.
Both are, "I'm ashamed of myself.
" Yeah, I said some things I regret.
Mainly "Awooga-ooga.
" Let's take it down.
It's only been up one night.
I doubt anyone saw it.
Look! It's the Moosetashio girls! Children: Yay! Moosetashio! Moosetashio! - Moosetashio! Moosetashio! - What the heck is going on? You're friends with Moosetashio, our new favorite character! Your favorite character's a moose who falls down and says "Moose-aroni"? She said it! She said the catch phrase! Children: Moose-aroni! Moose-aroni! Moose-aroni! Frankie, this video has over a million views.
Well, yeah, on Vuuugle Jr.
That's for babies.
Look at this.
We're right behind The Smiling Balloon.
Would you rather be ahead of The Smiling Balloon? I don't know what I want anymore! Children: We want Moosetashio! We want Moosetashio! Oh, my gosh, these kids are so cute.
That one keeps saying "Woose-tashio.
" Yeah, and that one just peed on the floor.
I can't believe we got popular off this.
What we do is smart, not a bunch of random nonsense.
We're Bizaardvar Okay, bad example.
I think you're looking at this the wrong way, Frankie.
We have a whole new audience here.
Let's get our instruments and show them who Bizaardvark really is.
Two teenagers, one cynical, one eternally optimistic, brought together by the winds of comedic destiny? Yeah, but with music.
Both: You gotta love the haters Boo! We hate this song! We want Moosetashio! Don't you want smarter music with a topical message? Bring out Moosetashio and make a fart sound right now! That kid is a very specific heckler.
Okay, thank you.
We gotta go now.
Oh, whoa, I believe my son requested a fart sound.
(fart sound) (laughter) (children cheer) Yes! All of my dreams have come true! (knock on door) Dirk: Can I come in, Bern-man? Hold on! Gettin' the ol' man cave ready! Sorry, Mr.
Bear Bear.
It's only temporary.
(squeaks) Come in! Is that a sailboat bed? Uh, yeah.
It's my little cousin's.
He comes over sometimes.
Cool! Can I be the captain? Oh, well, I'm usually the Yeah, you can be the captain.
Jump aboard, first mate! First mate? That's like, the highest mate! Permission to be the best roomies ever? Permission granted! - Setting a course to Mermaid Island.
- Yeah.
Just a heads up, I get seasick.
Okay, 7:00, boys.
Lights out.
Boy outside: Let's go play, everyone! The sun's gonna be out for hours! Grandma! Hey, no back-talk.
You already got to stay up an extra hour 'cause your friend is here.
Remember, he's your responsibility.
Don't worry, I've got this.
Boy outside: Tyler, let's go play kickball! It's so early! (grunting) Dirk? Dirk, what are you doing? Those are my grandma's lucky poker slippers! Oh, hey, roomie.
Someone dared me to see if I could chew up a pair of slippers with my teeth.
Random, right? (knocking) Grandma: Bernard, I'm going downtown to play cards.
Have you seen my lucky slippers? Are you eating my slippers? Yup, it was me.
Not Dirk.
Classic Bernie, right, Grandma? That's it.
I'm canceling our trip to the butterfly sanctuary.
But the brown monarchs are gonna be there! - Bernie.
- (screams) Let's go outside.
I need to go outside and do a dare.
Shh! You're gonna wake up Grandma! (knock on door) Grandma: Is that Dirk talking in there? Uh, no, it was me.
I was, uh, sleep-crying again.
I'll give you something to sleep-cry about.
Your bedtime's now 3:00 p.
m.
But I go to school until 4:00! You find a way to make it work! (sighs) (phone chimes) There's another request for Moosetashio to fart at a birthday party.
We're never gonna have any time to do our own stuff! Don't worry.
This is the Internet.
Those kids will be on to the next thing in five minutes.
They'll be like, "Moosetashio, I love you! "Wait, Top 10 Celebrities Who Look Like Cucumbers? I'm into that now!" You're right.
We'll just wait it out and it'll all blow over.
(phone chimes) Oh, no, Frankie.
Look at this mommy blog.
What up, my Mamas? Whoo-whoo! Wanna know the freshest, new vid on the W-W-Web? Whoo-whoo! It's by a couple of young ladies who the Internet is calling the Don't you just want to bite their faces off? (makes nibbling noises) Trust me, you're gonna wanna hashbrown squad goals with these cutie-patooties (clicking tongue) because my baby and I agree Paige and Frankie are cool-aroni.
It's like "Moose-aroni," but I See what I did? I made it "cool" and so I have no idea what that woman just said.
She said we're the Moosetashio Girls now.
Bizaardvark is over! By the way, do you find babies cute? I never find babies cute.
Can't let ourselves be defined by this.
Who knows if other people were defined by things they weren't proud of? Maybe the Big Bad Wolf was really good at lacrosse.
You're right.
If we don't do something, we're gonna be known as the Moosetashio Girls forever.
We gotta get rid of that moose.
Hi, kids! It's Moosetashio! Remember me? I'm an idiot! Today, I'm gonna go visit my aunt in Tucson! No! Moosetashio, that button doesn't say "Tucson," it says "To sun!" I have a mustache! Well, kids, looks like he's gone forever.
Tell your moms.
(video game beeping) Aww.
All those dares tired you out, huh, boy? Bernard, we have a problem.
Look what Dirk did.
I'm sorry.
I'll fix the hole in the wall.
The hole? No.
I did that.
I punched it after Dirk broke my championship plaque for bare-knuckle boxing.
Those Croatians thought they were so tough.
Bernie (sighs) Dirk can't stay here anymore.
Grandma, please.
He's my best friend.
I'm sorry, Bernie.
I just don't think you're ready to take care of a DareMeBro.
You can visit him any time you want at Vuuugle.
(sighs) It's been fun, Bern-man.
Looks like you're the captain again.
Permission to go ashore? Permission granted, you big sack of potatoes.
Now that the Moosetashio thing's over, we can get back to making smart, well-thought-out videos.
What's the first thing in our notebook? "The Booger Tree.
" Kay, what's the second thing? (sobbing) Both: Uh-oh.
Is it true? Is Moosetashio really gone? Well he did get shot on a rocket into sun, which is over 27 million degrees Fahrenheit, and he wasn't wearing a spacesuit.
So So, yes.
(children sob) (phone chimes) Oh, no.
Frankie, we have another problem.
Look at this headline.
"Bizaardvark Has Broken the Hearts of Every Kid in America.
" Also, Egg Sliding Down a Wall just got its own movie deal.
Channing Tatum's playing the egg! Well, if anyone can do it, it's him.
Frankie, it's gotten worse.
Now people are posting reaction videos about Moosetashio.
Look.
Moosetashio: I have a mustache! (rocket takes off) (sobbing) Why is everyone so upset? - It's just a dumb character.
- Yeah.
They're acting like we did when we were four and Sing Along Bus got canceled.
Yeah, but that show was good.
Hey, kids! Who's ready to hop on the bus to Song Town? Doo-doo-doo! Now let's visit Uncle Pony on the bus-aroni! Both: Oh, that's where it came from.
Wow, Sing Along Bus is just as lame as Moosetashio.
But we loved Sing Along Bus when we were little.
Just like these kids love Moosetashio now.
I guess just because we think something's bad doesn't mean it isn't good to other people.
Like Guy Who Sneezes Like a Goat or Egg Sliding Down a Wall or the guy who says, "Wobble" Mm, no, not the guy who says, "Wobble, wobble.
" That's still garbage.
We have to fix this.
Ooh! Hop aboard! Both: Doo-doo-doo! Next stop, Vuuugle.
But first, we have to transfer to the Tap Dancing Trolley, then we'll catch the Friendly Ferry to Song Town.
- Then - Let me off.
Okay, I think that's everything.
Grandma: Help! No thanks, I can carry it myself.
No, you idiot! Help me! Bernie's Grandma? I fell in the laundry chute reaching for my skinny jeans! Also, what did I tell you? If you're gonna call me "Bernie's Grandma," at least put "Hot" in the middle! A laundry chute is no place for a grandma! I'll get you out! - Grandma: Ooh! - Almost there! Almost! (grunts) - Ooh! - And gotcha! I'll call the fire department.
No! I'm dating the fire chief.
Well, one date, but I don't want to call him yet.
I want him to work for it.
Well, what should I do? Go get Bernie.
He's disturbingly small.
You can hold him by the ankles and he'll reach me.
Bernie.
I have to get Bernie! (fire truck siren ringtone plays) Oh, great, now he calls! Dear Vegas showgirls, due to circumstances beyond my control, your services will no longer be needed.
(breathing heavily) What is it, Dirk? - Is it Grandma? - (panting) What happened? She ate bad chicken? Has the flu? Is dating the fire chief? (panting) Can you take me to her? Attaboy! Take me to Grandma! (panting) Hold on.
I need water first.
We sure this video is the right way to go? We don't want to be Moosetashio forever.
The kids love him.
I think this is a good compromise.
Why would you use a rocket to go to Tucson, Moosetashio? And who sold a rocket to a moose anyway? (whooshing) Moosetashio! You're alive! Yeah! It was a cloudy day on the sun, so I pulled out my Moose-a-chute and jumped all the way back to Earth and landed in the exact same spot! It makes sense! Hooray science! But sadly, I must now return to my home planet of Moose-achusetts? Yeah, Moose-achusetts.
That's a planet.
But once every year on Moosetashio Day, I'll come back to make a new video and all the kids of the world will have a Moose-aroni time.
Both: Bye, Moosetashio! Tell your moms.
(sighs) I'm really glad we did that.
Yeah.
Feels good.
Oh, hey! Top 10 Celebrities Who Look Like Cucumbers! Ooh! Click on that! Thanks for pullin' me out, guys.
And Bernie, I'm sorry this is how you had to learn about Chief Pulaski.
If you marry him, do you think we could take his name? "Chief Bernie.
" Well, I'm all packed up.
See you around.
Wait! I'll miss you, man.
Having you here was like having the brother I always wanted.
Guess I'll just have to get used to being alone again.
You know what, I'm reaching that age now where falling into a laundry chute could be a daily occurrence.
Maybe Dirk should stick around until his room is ready.
Really? You mean I can keep him? That's awesome, Bernie's Hot Grandma! I promise I'll be more Wait a minute, "Keep him"? What, do you think like I'm a dog or something? What? Of course not! How about we go to the park and throw around the ball? Ball? Let's go! Me and my house Bernie is gone Now time to have some fun