Brooklyn Nine-Nine s01e15 Episode Script

We've busted murderers, we've taken down cartels.
But today we face the worst New York has to offer The fire department.
Fire marshal Boone, we meet again.
Detective Peralta, your fly's down.
I made you look.
I didn't look.
And I'm wearing shorts, there is no fly.
That's not what your mom said.
You make no sense.
And now I'm inside your head.
Prepare to die.
Blue 52.
Hut.
Yeah! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Ah, ah, ah.
You don't have to dance every time.
True, but I choose to dance every time.
Whoo! You have one play.
You give the ball to Jeffords, and he runs it in.
I-I'd like to see you score one.
Good, 'cause you're about to see it.
You're about to see it straight to hell.
Hut, hut.
You're the best now, Terry.
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down Yeah! I did it.
I did it alone.
I'm the King of the world! Whoo! Cream in my coffee and rock and roll Peralta.
Ah, Captain Holt.
You look very sad? I can never tell.
Do you have a murder suspect to question? He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing.
I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
I got you, babe because, you see You got him, babe.
I understood the wordplay, yes.
Oh.
I've been chasing this guy for three months.
I've got him dead to rights.
Fingerprints, witnesses, it's in the bag.
So I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up? Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
I pity your dentist.
Ah, joke's on you.
I don't have a dentist.
Jake, Jake.
Uh-oh, this can't be good.
Major crimes division just called.
They're taking over your murder case.
The vulture is on his way here now.
No! Doesn't that guy get tired of stealing our cases? He took one from me and Rosa last week.
NYPD.
Stop! Ugh.
You made us run up ten flights of stairs.
It's over.
Thanks, guys.
I got it from here.
Don't worry, we can stall him until you get the confession.
We rehearsed this, you guys.
This isn't a drill.
Everyone know their assignments? All right, hands in.
Broken feather.
And go! Okay, Gus, I don't have a lot of time.
I need your full, signed confession.
We have four minutes.
We can do this.
But I'm not guilty.
Listen to me, Gus.
We can do this, son.
Yo, is this a police station or a toilet? 'Cause all I see is turds.
Oh, Detective Pembroke.
Oh, no.
I spilled coffee on you by accident.
Lucky for you, this wipes off quickly.
This coat's made out of whale skin.
The vulture still flies.
The vulture still flies.
Hey, Pembroke.
What do you say we go talk about a case in the break room? Oh, yeah? What case is that? The case of how you got so damn sexy.
God owed me a favor.
Case solved.
I told you, I didn't know the guy.
You're lying.
We have pictures of you two.
Come on, we only have three minutes.
It's like you're not even trying to confess! The vulture is coming.
We need more time.
Someone do something.
I got it.
Tear gas.
Scully, Scully, wrap my shirt around your face.
And out of the tear gas rises the Phoenix.
Hey, Peralta.
I got it from here.
All right, fine.
I'll just go then With this fully signed confession.
We did it, Gus! Whoo! Suck it, vulture.
I killed that guy and his neighbor, but you were too late.
Whoo! Wait, you killed his neighbor? Amy, check it out.
Nice, you got it framed? Of course.
It commemorates our victory over the vulture, the greatest day in human history.
Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of ghostbusters.
Brief me on the hotel robberies.
Helpful hint to the scientists that programmed you, most humans say "hello" at the beginning of a conversation.
Manager at the prentiss hotel told us that someone's been breaking into the rooms, stolen over $100,000 in jewelry.
We're heading over there now.
Keep me updated.
Another helpful hint Good-bye.
It's learning.
What? Man, an hour of footage, and we've got nothing.
I have to admit, I do love a thorough vacuumer.
I'm a little o.
C.
D.
What? No, you're not.
Whoop.
I can leave it there.
Totally.
It doesn't bother me.
I know.
There it is.
All right, let's get started.
So we have good news, and we have bad news.
My Nana always said, "bad news first, because the good news is probably a lie.
" Fun fact, she made me cry a lot.
Good news is, the sting we set up to catch deadbeats went great.
Name's bill voss, just got this thing in the mail, said I won a free Bahamas cruise! Congratulations, bill.
You have six outstanding warrants for credit fraud.
Oh, man, can't it wait till I get back from the Bahamas? I won a cruise.
You're not very bright, are you, bill? Now I know you'd all prefer to go to a bar, drink beer, and eat chips of various textures.
But our compstat numbers are due tomorrow morning, so I need these arrests on the books today.
Darn it.
I had a belly dancing class.
Tonight was Egyptian undulation.
Oh, show us some moves.
Sure.
Dismissed.
First batch of arrest files is done-zo Washington.
There's only three files here.
It's been an hour.
Yeah, I know.
It has not been a productive morning.
For example, somebody used the toaster in front of Boyle.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Tommy? And then Boyle spent 30 minutes lecturing him on how to make a sandwich.
I'd describe the work flow today as dismal with a tiny, little splash of pathetic.
Get me out of here, man.
I'm worried.
The compstat numbers are due tomorrow at 9:00 A.
M.
, but at this rate, we won't be finished until your daughters are grown and married.
I may have a solution.
We need to compstat the office.
What is compstat? It's just using data to identify problem spots in the neighborhood.
Now, I have been taking notes on points of friction in this office for years.
The red areas are places where no work gets done.
If we can fix these problems without anyone knowing what we're doing, we will finish on time.
Are you saying you want to secretly perform scientific experiments on your friends and coworkers to increase efficiency? Yes.
Sounds fun, let's do it.
Hey, hand me some peanuts.
I'm snacky.
I have something I need to talk to you about.
I might get a promotion to major crimes.
They asked me to come in and interview for a job.
What? You're gonna go work for the vulture? Have you forgotten how awful he is? The Vladimir putin collection? Yeah, 70 bucks a pair.
And they only increase in value.
I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago.
Emphasis on "iago," backstabber.
I'm surprised you've read othello.
What the hell's othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.
I wouldn't be working for the vulture.
I'd be working with him in data analysis.
Oh, it's just a lousy desk job? Okay, never mind.
You're not gonna do that.
You love working cases too much.
We're gonna catch this perp.
You're gonna remember how much you love your job.
You're gonna skip that interview.
And that's a Peralta guarantee.
Your last Peralta guarantee was that you could dunk a basketball.
I never said I couldn't use a ladder.
Peralta guarantee achieved.
Aah! The subtext of the guarantee was that you would be entertained, and you were.
Let's go! Okay, so I've already taken care of a few obvious problems.
I moved the toaster to the break room, far away from Boyle.
Good.
What's this red area here, the Diaz triangle? Right, so you know about Rosa's anger incidents.
It's my birthday.
I hate birthdays.
If you wish me a Happy Birthday, I will punch you.
You're a funny little bird, Diaz.
Happy Birthday.
Any time mt.
Diaz erupts, everyone on the squad avoids her.
Mt.
Diaz.
Humorous, yes.
Tell me, what room is just down the hall from her desk? The bathroom.
If people are afraid to walk by Diaz, bathroom breaks would be to a minimum.
Hey, Diaz, I just need to make sure I've got the details right in this file.
Yeah, guy was passing bad checks.
But is this the same guy? Yeah, the name here is the same name on the checks.
Ca-caw! Okay, all right, thank you, thank you.
Ca-caw! Got it.
Come on! I'm so sick of these sucky computers.
Aah! One more step and you're next.
NYPD.
Oh, boy.
NYPD, sir.
Have you seen anything unusual today? Oh, no.
This was nice, thank you.
Wait, wait, wait.
What is this music? Leirkrakeegovnia.
Do you like it? I weirdly do.
meil on fun Me teeme asju mis on ponev Olemme sobrad kasu See, Amy, fun thing about working cases, you meet people from all over the world.
This song is a celebration song from when a dog loses its virginity.
Who checks that? I was having a smoke, and I saw a bellboy take his jacket off and throw it in the dumpster, then go back inside.
Well, that's unusual.
Yeah, that's why I'm telling you.
Looks like we are going dumpster diving.
Great.
Come with me, Amy, to the dumpster Me and Amy going diving in the dumpster I can't believe you would ever consider leaving this job.
This is real police work, and you love it.
Remember that time you had to shove your hand down that woman's throat to get her car keys? Why do you even care if I leave? Because the vulture is the worst.
That whole division is the worst.
They steal cases.
It's the lowest of the low.
So if I transferred somewhere else, you wouldn't care at all? No, of course not.
Do whatever you want, you know, it's your life.
Aha! The jacket.
This case is heating up.
Ooh, receipt in the pocket.
Dust it for prints.
And send a scan to Boyle.
Yes.
You're feeling it now.
Whoo! The thief's name is Benjamin disanto.
Here's an old mug shot.
He's surprisingly photogenic.
A lot of criminals are, strangely.
He doesn't work here.
Must have stolen the bellhop uniform.
Receptionist just spotted disanto entering the salieri ballroom.
What's going on in there? An auction of Greek antiquities.
Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques.
" I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.
Have so.
Wax museums don't count.
Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
It's going really well, sir.
We've gone from 10 cases per hour to almost 20.
It's good, but we can do better.
Tell me about the Boyle-linetti reaction.
Boyle gets cold a lot because of what he calls his Medically diagnosed thin skin.
So he goes to the lost and found, and he grabs something that's usually unflattering.
That's when Gina gets involved.
Sweet sweater, Charles.
You look like you're starring in an Albanian remake of the cosby show.
Dr.
huxtable, Dr.
huxtable.
Gina is completely useless when Boyle is wearing lost-and-found clothes.
Well, I really can't blame her on this one.
Maybe we should just, uh, empty lost and found.
Already done, sir.
Good lord.
Where did he get that? Oh, my God, we're doomed.
Boyle looks like a lesbian.
He must have gotten it from the evidence locker or something.
Don't worry.
I had a backup plan.
I distracted her with a mirror.
She's like a cockatiel, sir Fascinated by her own reflection.
Mm.
Hello, sexy, how are you? Right back at ya.
Well done.
Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta.
This is Detective always-stays-loyal.
She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.
We're tracking a thief that's stolen thousands of dollars worth of jewelry.
We think he's scouting auction winners, so he can Rob their rooms.
We called for backup, but we need to move now.
And we have to keep it quiet.
What can I do to help? Well, there's too many people in here.
I need a better vantage point.
Any way I can get up onstage by the podium? You'll blow our cover if you go up there.
You don't exactly blend in.
Yeah.
Irwin, how would you like to have the honor of being the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago? Okay.
Here we go.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Roger strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening.
So many faces to look at.
I won a radio contest, and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool, old, Greek things.
Our first item up for bid is lot number 344.
It is this old "vase," "vahs" if you're nasty.
It was made in the year five and depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs.
And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat.
So let's start the bidding at $10.
Okay, started it way too low.
We've done it, sir.
If we stay on this pace, I think we'll finish on time.
I think we should keep going, make the office even more efficient.
Sir, are you familiar with the story of icarus? He didn't know when to quit.
He flew too close to the sun, and his wax wings melted, and he died.
Are you familiar with the story of moneyball? A man uses statistics and logic to win several baseball games.
It's my favorite film.
The statistical analysis It's so beautiful.
This office is becoming a powerhouse of paperwork processing.
I'm flying high, sergeant, and I'm never coming down.
I have 85.
Do I have 90? I have 90 from the man with the face at table four.
This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Adam Sandler? Yeah, that's right.
I collect antiquities.
I'm a serious person.
I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it? Ha, ha.
It's a serious movie.
Trotsky.
Ah, there it is.
But he's got a wife who never wears a bra.
I think you're gonna like it.
Thanks for dressing up, by the way.
All right, back to this plate.
I think you could use it for a variety of things.
New item up there.
How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth? I will.
Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth? You bet.
Okay, but let's get it going a little higher.
Seriously, back to the porno plate Uh, 1,200 bucks, sock in the mouth? Boom, okay, the idiot gets the sock in the mouth.
I'd say 1,300 would be even better.
Joe Theismann coming in strong.
I got 1,300.
and a one and a two and a Boom, sold to Joey Theismann! Congratulations, you're getting a sock in your mouth, Can I stick the sock in his mouth? I'll pay extra.
Yes, you may, because I just sold my item to the man in the gray shirt at table 18.
NYPD.
You're under arrest.
Heading your way.
Gotcha! My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Uh Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Nothing to see here.
Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Joe, I video'd it! What a day, huh? Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together.
Yeah, good day.
Hell yeah, it is.
Drinks are on me.
Jake, I'm still doing the interview.
What? No.
Don't do that.
We still have to process the perp.
You love processing It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails and replacing toilet paper rolls.
This job would be a great opportunity for me.
Okay, whatever.
You know what? You're being a bad partner.
You're joining forces with the enemy.
And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah.
" They're scavengers, just like vultures.
And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool.
Come on, jewel thief.
You're my only friend now.
Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today? The Captain put me here.
Says I waste time when I sit next to Hitchcock.
Okay, well, go work in the break room.
Hello, Peralta.
Ah, a human greeting, nicely done.
Updates on the case? Well, you're gonna love this one.
We busted the guy for grand larceny.
And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at major crimes.
Can you believe that? Yes, she told me yesterday.
What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it? She would literally shave her head if you asked her to.
Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank, if you're looking to prank her.
Santiago wants to make Captain one day.
I know, because I've frequently caught her wearing my hat and looking into a mirror.
Dismissed.
I support her decision.
That's what good detectives do.
They have each other's back, no matter what.
All right, let's move on to your unpaid parking tickets.
Dude.
Dude, fire.
Oh, my.
Fire.
Uh, hey! Fire! Oh, I-I got it, okay.
Here we go.
Here we go, Boyle.
I got it.
What happened, Scully? I didn't know there was a toaster there.
Why is the toaster there? Uh-oh.
Aah! My fringe! My beautiful fringe! Boyle's on fire! Icarus.
Extinguisher's empty, morons.
Aah! Back to the drawing board.
Sir, I'm begging you, please, we have to stop.
Boyle is still smoldering.
The problem is, we didn't take Peralta into account.
In our next trial Hello, boys.
Welcome to your own office.
I hear you're trying to make the precinct more efficient.
Gina, what are you doing in the Captain's chair? Please, I'm open to any ideas about efficiency.
I've narrowed the problem down to one location: The Holt-Jeffords vortex.
Things would go a lot faster if the two of you did less experimenting and more working.
And I'm not the only one who thinks that.
You melted my fringe.
You think I have an anger problem? I don't.
You are both dead to me.
Well, I suppose it's possible we may have been a tad enthusiastic in our pursuit of efficiency Really? A tad, icarus? Fine, message received.
Jeffords and I will get right to work.
Great, that will be all.
Thank you.
Get the hell out of my chair.
All right, I pushed it a little bit on that one.
Okay, bye.
Ah, Santiago.
Before you go in there, there's something I have to say.
I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner.
I was the bad partner.
The truth is, our job isn't always great.
I mean, sometimes it sucks.
But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you.
So when you said you were gonna leave, I freaked out, and that was dumb.
I should've been more supportive.
You're a great Detective, and they'd be lucky to have you.
In fact, if it helps, I wrote you a letter of recommendation, which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add.
Including the word, "recommendation," which is just I don't have to tell you about that.
There's no way there's four "m"s in that word, right? I already turned down the job.
Seriously? In the end, you were right.
I don't wanna sit at a desk.
And right now, I like where I am.
Ah.
But thanks for thinking I'm great.
No, I take back all of the things I just said.
Uh-uh.
You said I was a good Detective, and you were nice.
This is my nightmare.
Lookee, lookee.
I thought I saw your big, white ass lumbering around.
As for you, Santiago, well, now you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you? And they're a shade of pink called "loser.
" All right, everybody just calm down.
There's no reason we can't be friends.
Here, I brought you a peace offering.
Run! Uh-oh.