Bunheads (2012) s01e15 Episode Script

Previously on Bunheads Your father has a special someone.
We gotta make money off this place.
- By doing what? - What about A theater? The closet door opened.
He says he's moving to San Jose, she says she's moving to Encino.
I'm supposed to pick where I want to go.
We're building an amphitheater.
Now this I'm interested in.
- You're interested in? - Partnering.
- Who gave you flowerpots? - What are you doing here? This is my brother Scotty.
Scotty, this is Godot.
Well hello, young man.
Sasha's awol too by the way.
Well, I know where she is.
Apartment hunting.
And she found one.
All right, ladies.
Keep it light, watch your spacing.
Dance as one.
I'm thinking of getting bangs.
Oh yeah? Something different.
What do you think? You need a change? Well, yeah.
Your life is boring? Ginny - your friends are boring? Oh boy.
New life, new friends, new bangs.
Moving the feet, not the mouths, ladies.
Ginny please, get over this Cozette thing.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Roller Derby, but I didn't tell anyone.
Not my parents or my brother.
Your brother? - I just mean - You didn't tell Charlie? But you're so close with him.
You tell Charlie everything.
- I was just - I didn't know you didn't tell Charlie.
If you didn't tell Charlie, then clearly, I'm overreacting.
Aren't I? Aren't I overreacting? - Uh - There's no good answer, Boo.
Say your best friend suddenly had a secret life that you didn't know about.
When you found out, would you feel mad, betrayed? Like maybe your best friend wasn't actually your best friend at all? - Well - Or once you found out she didn't tell her brother either, would you feel fine and forget it ever happened? - I missed you.
- What? A closed mouth is a pretty mouth.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
I talked to her twice.
It's not like we're best friends.
- She named you.
- Come on.
Cleo-smacktra? How many seconds of thought did she put into that one? Are you guys fighting again? I don't know.
I am the last one to know anything in this relationship.
Unbelievable.
I turn my back for five minutes.
Cozette just happened to be at the rink when I was there.
It's not like I called her up and said "I'll tell you all my secrets, Cozette.
" I don't want to hear the C-word anymore.
Of course, right to Cozette.
That's the choreography.
She probably cast some kind of spell on madame Fanny to make it happen like that.
Cozette can do anything.
Cozette's a wizard.
I thought you didn't want to hear the C-word? I'm sorry about Ginny.
I love her, but she's stubborn.
Just give her time.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Who's Ginny? She's magic and perfect, and worldly, and so so hip.
She's Carnaby Street in pointe shoes.
When did we even meet Cozette? I'm Cozette.
What a wonderful first try.
It reminds me of a time when I was a young soloist in "Les Sylphides" and I was having a terrible fight with a nymph or a nympho, which is a more accurate description and the actual reason for our fight.
Anyhow we wound up having words during rehearsal.
And do you know what happened? We both watched opening night from the concession stand in the lobby.
So with that in mind Bunheads 1x15 - Take the Vicuna Original air date February 4, 2013 Oh, I forgot.
I brought my own bags.
Let's go.
You've got to be kidding.
Could you guys open up another register? Come on.
And that's the stage with seating all around.
Oh, and we're going to hang lanterns in all the trees.
They'll be dimmed before the performances.
Pretty.
No, not you, Saul.
Why would I call you pretty? I hope the stage is big enough.
Do you think the stage is big enough? For the halftime show, or? You're right.
You're right.
It's fine.
Whoa, hey.
If you need a bigger stage, let's make a bigger stage.
They're two weeks late on rent.
Go find someone that speaks Lithuanian deadbeat and tell them to get out.
- I am so excited.
- I know.
I'm wearing that shirt you hate and you haven't asked me what bum I had to roll to get it yet.
What do you girls think of the stage? It's really cool.
I've never danced outside before.
If the stage is gonna be bigger, we have to tell Fat Bob and Skinny Don.
And I swore to them that we'd finalized everything.
This will not make them happy.
Ladies, we are not here to make them happy.
This is for us and the kids.
Hey! Fat Bob and Skinny Don.
Oh, we don't usually call them that to their face.
- Is something wrong? - We want to make the stage bigger.
They want to make the stage bigger.
We already ordered the wood.
Last week.
Made the call, wrote the check.
Well, can you order more, or is that the last wood in the world? Uh, yeah, the sarcasm has not gone unnoticed.
But see, now, there's gonna be some lag time.
- Two, three - Four, five - Weeks.
- Months.
- Months? - Come on.
Give me the bottom line here, fat Bob and skinny don.
Oh, jeez, well Save it for Spielberg, Olivier.
- Give me the number.
- 10.
- 10? - Done.
And you know, a bigger stage is gonna need more lights.
- Fine.
- That means two - Three - Four extra banks.
- Do it.
- Wait, Milly, that's too much.
We don't need more lights.
Yeah, we'll just shove the ugly kids in the dark spots.
More lights will make it beautiful.
It has to be beautiful.
Everything is beautiful at the ballet.
You done fleecing me yet? - Probably not.
- Go build something.
Well, if we're getting noise complaints tell them they can't run their heart-lung machine between 10:00 and 6:00.
Michelle, I have to say it was a stroke of genius getting Milly involved with this.
Wow, thanks.
And that shirt makes you look like a freeway underpass.
Tell me again the total profit after expenses.
Tell me again.
I love money.
Let me just get you those checks and I'll get out of your hair.
Is there anything else we need? Oh, no.
You've been an absolute godsend, Milly.
Really.
Everything you've done has been just about perfect.
Just about? What do you mean "just about?" No.
Absolutely perfect.
The costumes the parents are making are going to be lovely.
We won't even miss the professionally made ones.
Shouldn't we have those? Well, in a perfect world.
I live in a perfect world.
I think we'll be fine.
Look, if I spend all this money on a theater and then the dancers show up looking like a bus and truck tour of "Oliver," I might as well be investing in public television.
- Order the costumes.
- Are you sure? I am positive.
You won't be sorry.
These beautiful costumes will put those secondhand usher outfits to shame.
So evil.
Ushers.
Do we have those? Oh, you're right.
We don't need them.
Smart.
You see, Michelle? This is what you have a business partner for.
To tell you exactly where to cut the costs.
No ushers.
Wait, I want ushers.
- Well, maybe next year.
- This year.
Let's give it six months.
Now, I want them now.
How many? - 10? - 20.
20 ushers, all boys.
Tall, built, find them.
Stone here.
Father Luke, thanks for calling me back.
I understand your religious tradition calls for hanging a lot of paraphernalia, but it's destroying my walls.
I mean, it's three nails for every crucifix.
You're killing me.
- We good? - We're perfect.
And evil.
Good-bye, Milly.
Costumes, usher uniforms, ushers.
We need all those things.
I'm just wondering, are you putting out for all of this? 'Cause there's definitely some sort of quid pro quo going on here.
Don't be vulgar.
I'm doing it for the art.
And for the children.
Hey, I'm not judging.
As long as the lady's paying for it, why not take the vicuna? All right, let's begin.
First position, plies.
- Raincoat? - Bring it! - Bikini? - Bring it.
- Pajama jeans? - Bring them.
- Handcuffs? - Toss them in.
Hard hat, waffle iron, Bananarama box set? What the hell are we gonna do with a waffle iron? Scotty, come on.
Tell me what this thing is.
Hey, it's my last night.
And the rules are whoever has the last night gets to choose the last night blowout activity.
- Don't flout the rules.
- But I need details.
I told you, it's in the desert.
- It's like Burning Man.
- Which means nothing.
- You've heard of Burning Man.
- Yes, I've heard of Burning Man, but since I've never been to Burning Man, I can only guess what takes place.
Like do they really burn a man? And who is this man? Is he annoying, - does he have it coming? - You'll just have to find out.
Okay, well at least answer me this.
When we get there, will there be a bathroom? Define bathroom.
Nice seein' ya.
Call me when you get home.
Oh, come on.
Did I complain when you visited me and made me go see Drag Queen Bingo? Vehemently.
'Cause it was horrible and I lost.
Yeah, that was fun.
Well, come on, this will be fun too.
Come on, it'll be like all those cool road trips we took as kids.
What cool road trips? What do you mean? The Grand Canyon, New Orleans, Sun Studios, The Smoky Mountains.
- Fake.
- The Smoky Mountains are fake? The trips were fake.
What are you talking about?? Mom used to take us on fake trips.
- You didn't know that? - No.
She'd put us in the car really late at night and then drive us around for hours until we fell asleep.
And then when we woke up, she'd convince us that we just had a really fun adventure.
No.
That's impossible.
I remember that thing with the balloons.
- Never happened.
- Yes.
There were like these huge red balloons with ribbons hanging down.
- I'm afraid not.
- The wind kicked up and we held the ribbons and we rode on them? - No balloons? - She gaslighted us, dude.
That was my second favorite childhood memory.
Don Mclean didn't play your fifth birthday party.
I'll give you some space.
I just moved in so I need to get the power turned on.
By tomorrow would be great actually.
A credit card? Well, I do.
I mean, it's technically my parents', but they take it at the mall, so Can we just skip the deposit? I'm very responsible.
It's true.
She's never been drunk or pregnant.
Look, can I just give you cash? Oh.
I don't think the atm will give me that much.
Really? Wow, I've never actually gone inside a bank before.
Yes.
It will be an adventure.
Thank you.
Anyone know where a bank is? That is a very long to-do list.
Cable, phone, Internet, electricity - What about gas? - What about it? Is your water heater electric or gas? - I have no idea.
- It's probably gas.
Calling the gas company.
This is a lot of work.
But it's worth it.
The apartment is awesome.
I mean, it needed a little jeuje.
A paint job, new sink, I'm pulling up the carpets.
People who cover up their hardwood floors deserve their own poorly decorated section of hell.
Wow, you seem so grown up.
Hey, did I leave my dance bag in your mom's car? I don't know.
You know who would know? - How would she know? - She knows everything about you.
I figure she can use her Melanie Lojack system and track that sucker right down.
Oh, here.
For you, and you, and you.
- What's this? - I am officially inviting you to my housewarming party.
Sorry it's so last minute, but I thought heat and light would make it more festive.
Would it be okay if I bring Carl? No.
No one brings anyone.
It's just the four of us.
Yes, and all the other people I'm inviting.
Who? Who are you inviting? Well, freak, some girls from class, Michelle, the three people I like at school, and my neighbors so they can't complain about the noise.
Are you inviting Cozette? Well, she's in our class.
- If she comes, count me out.
- Seriously? - Ginny, come on.
- What come on? Four's company.
Five's a crowd.
Fine.
If Ginny's not going, I'm not going.
- You don't have to do that.
- I want to.
It's not on my account, I hope.
Of course it's on your account.
- Then go.
Yes.
- No.
Oh my God.
We haven't been properly introduced.
I'm Sasha.
I was planning on inviting you to a housewarming party I'm having so we can get to know each other, but my friends over there are re-enacting the last third of "Benjamin Button" and will soon turn four.
So would it be okay if we just grabbed a coffee sometime instead? - Cool beans.
- I'm interpreting that as a yes.
So, thank you.
No Cozette.
Okay? Kim, Khloe? Truce for the evening? Good.
So, do I get to bring Carl? It's an annual event in the desert that is a celebration of self-expression.
Yeah, but what does it say about bathrooms? Oh, look at these pictures.
My God, it's beautiful.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Is there a picture of the bathrooms? "An experiment in communal living.
" I've done that before.
You wind up never having a clean towel.
Ooh, what's that over there? - A rock.
- Oh, I thought it was a bathroom.
Are you planning on eating a great deal of roadside food and having some terrible reaction once you get there? I just have a thing about bathrooms, okay? I want one within a good 10-mile radius.
You're an artist.
You need to be open to new things.
That's how I felt about Woodstock.
You went to Woodstock? I didn't want to at first.
But it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life.
Because I gave myself over to it.
All I remember is this warm gooey haze of a weekend filled with love and connection.
And at the end of it, I wound up with a baby.
Hubbell was conceived at Woodstock? No, literally.
I opened my bag as I was leaving and somebody had slipped a baby inside.
Oh my God.
What'd you do? I just left it at the lost baby table in the parking lot.
A lot of babies were put in the wrong purse that day.
Woodstock, huh? - Mm.
- What's the bathroom situation there? - Hello? - Check your mailbox.
- Is it ticking? - I put something in it for you.
- Sasha? - Yes, just make sure you go and check your mailbox because sometimes you don't.
Why do you know about my mailbox? Because sometimes we walk by and all the mail is spilling out like you haven't checked it in forever, and we wonder if you're dead, but no one wants to look.
Hey, what if I need help? If you're dead, it's too late for help.
Good point.
Wait a minute, rehearsal's in five minutes.
- So? - Aren't you here? - Really? - What? So you had to call? You were gonna see me - in three seconds.
- I wanted to invite you to my housewarming party.
But you already sent me an invitation.
Yes, but you never check your mail, so who knows if you'd find it.
You're calling to tell me to check my mail to find it, so chances are I'll find it.
Remember when we hid that bunch of rotting bananas in your dance bag? You did? That's the smell? Check your box.
I found pictures.
Gah, must unsee.
"Eternal Sunshine" my mind.
You lived in Vegas.
How can this be shocking? Okay, if that happened in Vegas, even Vegas would be saying, "tell someone about this.
" "Don't let it stay in Vegas.
" Hey, partners.
Milly, what a nice surprise.
I just came by to drop off a couple more checks.
Who knew usher uniforms could be so expensive? - Really? - What, are they made of vicuna or something? I don't know what they're made of, but at those prices, I'm gonna start selling them myself.
Just know how grateful we are to you for your patronage.
All right, everyone, finish warming up.
Rehearsal in five minutes.
Um, Fanny, I was wondering - if this might be a good time.
- For what? Well, for my backer's rehearsal.
- Your what? - My backer's rehearsal.
It's a special advance performance for investors.
Yeah, we know what a backer's rehearsal is.
- So you read "Playbill"? - What? "Playbill.
" I started reading it the minute I became a player in the biz, so to speak, and now I'm totally addicted.
Did you know the lead in "Memphis" just booked a sitcom? - We did not know that.
- It's true.
So is now a good time? It seems like you're about ready to rehearse now anyhow, so Milly, this would absolutely not Fanny, can I Over here for a sec.
Is she out of her mind? Isn't it enough I let her put her name on the amphitheater? Excuse me, on the performance center? Pretend to be looking at our schedule.
A performance center isn't a theater.
It's where Michael Phelps goes to train.
- I know.
- It's where they test - expensive German sports cars.
- Don't disagree.
It's where men with defective equipment have pumps installed so that they can leave their wives for a yoga teacher.
Okay, come back to me here.
This is an invasion.
She can see the show when it's ready.
- Just like everyone else.
- Okay, devil's advocate.
If it weren't for Milly, we wouldn't have a theater, or lights, or costumes.
And let's not forget the well-built ushers.
That's definitely a perk.
She just wants to see a rehearsal and we're already doing a rehearsal.
Letting her watch a little pretty dancing seems like a small price to pay.
Well We have some good news.
We checked our schedule, and it looks like we can do your backer's rehearsal - right now.
- Really? - Really.
- Great.
- There's just one small problem.
- What? Well, backer's rehearsals usually have beautiful spreads of food.
Sushi platters, champagne, one time I saw a crepe guy.
It's just a shame that this is on such short notice.
- We couldn't arrange that.
- Let me make a call.
At least we're gonna eat.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I don't suppose you'd believe I'm signing up for class? Channeling my inner Baryshnikov? No.
Then I guess I was hoping I'd run into you.
I haven't seen you around lately.
Oh, yeah.
- Things have been crazy.
- I figured.
I mean, none of your texts are more than three letters long.
- Sorry.
- I can't even figure out half of them.
What does "CTN" mean? - Can't text now.
- Oh, of course.
Or can't talk now depending on context.
I think you've sent both.
I'm really sorry.
I've just been crazy with stuff, you know? Well, are you busy tonight? - I was thinking - I can't tonight.
- I'm - Yeah.
- Okay.
- But we'll do something soon.
I promise.
I'll text you.
Four letters this time.
So Milly, we'll be getting started in just a second.
- It's very exciting.
- Oh, I know.
- For everyone.
- And you'll be happy to know I unwrapped my hard candy, so the noise won't be distracting during the performance.
I'm thrilled.
Okay, class.
We have a special guest for rehearsal today.
Our benevolent benefactor, our angel, Millicent Stone.
Please, call me Milly and pretend I'm not here.
Places, everyone.
We'll just run the opening, Ray-Ray's solo, and then the ending.
Those need the most work anyhow.
Sounds What is she doing? A very poorly staged version of "Mein Herr"? And music, please.
She's not No She's taking notes.
- I'm gonna - No, you're not.
It's okay.
Wonderful work, everyone.
Very very nice.
Now remember, we tech next Wednesday and dress on Thursday.
I'll see you all then.
Dancers to the chair, please.
What the hell is she talking about? Let's go.
Time is money.
Yes? Can't now.
Have a note session.
Okay, so a lot of good stuff here.
Just a few things.
First off, it's very confusing that you're not wearing tutus.
People expect tutus when you go to the ballet.
- Milly! - Back it up, back it up.
Milly, it wasn't a dress rehearsal.
They weren't in costume because it was not a dress rehearsal.
So they weren't dressed.
I promise there will be tutus for the show.
Oh.
Oh, good.
So we're on the same page.
Great.
So thank you for your helpful thoughts Hold on.
There's too much of this step You get the gist.
So less of that for the whole group.
And don't do the spinny thing.
It makes me dizzy.
And you, you did this one move where it looked like you were tripping.
That was when I tripped.
Good catch, Milly.
You're absolutely right.
The tripping should change.
- Right, Fanny? - Sure.
And here's a question.
Where are the dwarves? Dwarves? We're doing "Sleeping Beauty.
" There are supposed - to be dwarves.
- In "Snow White.
" The dwarves are in "Snow White.
" We are not doing "Sleeping Beauty And The Seven Dwarves.
" Oh, I always get those mixed up.
Okay, next.
What's with all the mirrors? Who needs to look at themselves that much? All right.
That's it.
We're done.
Wait, I have more pages.
You wanted to see a rehearsal, you saw it, we're done.
Look, Fanny, "Playbill" says a producer gets to give notes.
You are not a producer.
I gave money.
A producer is someone who gives money.
And a producer gets to have an opinion and give notes, and they usually have a chair with their name on it which I have ordered, and it should be here by Wednesday.
And that is what is wrong with the arts today.
People with no knowledge at all throw a wad of cash on the table like a drug dealer and then everybody listens.
Well, not me and not here.
You are not Scott Rudin and this is not a Johnny Depp movie.
This is my studio and my production and you have absolutely no right to give notes.
And if that's a problem, you can just write a letter to "Playbill" and work it out with them.
Why are you all listening to her? You said she was our angel.
Everybody out.
Everybody! If you won't let me have my input, then I want my money back.
You know that money's already spent.
I'll sue.
Then you'll just be known as that mean little woman that sued the town ballet school and crushed all the children's dreams.
I don't care.
You can talk to that women's center on Howell if you don't believe me.
They're a dry-cleaners now.
Fine! Sue! Calling lawyers now.
Call lawyers.
Call lawyers.
Uh, so, that was kind of I know.
I don't know why we're bringing all this.
It's a party.
It's what people do.
But the point of chips at a party is to soak up booze.
This party's being thrown by a 16-year-old.
That's just it.
Sasha's a kid.
She won't have gotten enough food and the party will suck and everyone will call her Mary Richards.
Yes, grandma.
I'm sure all the kids will be calling her Mary Richards.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, just getting bread for the bruschetta.
This is a 16-year-old's apartment? Or Oz.
It could be Oz.
- She's got a fireplace.
- And wood.
There's wood burning in the fireplace.
I had a fireplace when I lived in Oregon.
The rats nested in it.
Check out the food table.
Oh, she's got those metal containers with the candle thingies under them.
Chafing dishes, she's got chafing dishes.
- Excuse me? - Yes? Could you please get me a pillow? Sure.
But don't take a nice one.
Then I'll have to run back to my place.
Let's check out the bathroom.
Does she let people go in there? I'm going in.
Okay, now do I add the nuts? Martha says when the egg white has been properly beaten, no clear liquid should remain at the bottom of the bowl.
I see no clear liquid.
- Then follow Martha.
- Adding the nuts.
Pipes look good.
That adds a lot of resale value.
Take your broker's vest off, Ginny.
Oh, shoot.
I forgot the ice ring - for the punch.
- Ooh, I'll get it.
It's so pretty.
The pansies are edible.
Monogrammed towels.
She has monogrammed towels.
- I saw.
- Don't you need, like, six weeks to get something monogrammed? No idea.
I write my name on my underpants with a sharpie.
Hey, isn't that your cheerleading friend? Aubrey.
I didn't even invite her.
Cheerleaders can sense parties.
It's innate.
It's like their ability to make people feel small.
Sasha! I hope it's okay that I came 'cause when I heard my friend Sasha was having a party, I just had to be here.
Of course.
Friend.
Oh, hey, Boo, will you stir for me? I'll be right back.
Hi, I'm Aubrey.
I'm Ginny.
We've met before.
No.
- Several times.
- I don't think so.
We're in the same chem class.
- Are you sure? - We're lab partners.
Not ringing any bells.
- Hey, Aubrey! - Maddie, hi! How are you? It's like breathing to them.
You made it.
- We made it.
- You're the 16-year-old? What's with the hostile tone? I'm a little pissed by all this.
Ignore him.
But still, this place.
And the furniture, and you have a bucket.
- Of course.
- Not of course.
I've never owned a bucket.
I haven't either.
You borrow buckets.
- You know what I mean? - Ignore him.
You brought up the bucket.
Come on.
I want to show you something.
Wow.
What a great room.
I love the dresser and the pillows.
And how the fresh-cut flowers pick up the pink in the frog You've already been in here, haven't you? Totally.
Went through your underwear drawer and everything.
Hey, can you show me how to do that thing where you fold up your socks into tiny little balls? This is what I wanted you to see.
Did you steal it from the studio? No.
I had it put in.
At Joffrey, there was this girl who told me her dad put a barre in her room so she could practice every night, and she was really good.
So I figured if I'm gonna get that good, I need a barre too.
Very nice.
See? Serious.
You are.
Seemed like something you would do.
So, hey, do you have your home invasion escape plan set yet? - What's that? - Ah, it's the first thing I do anytime I move in someplace new.
It's a total single girl must.
See? I look around a room and I think the home invader is coming in through the front door, so where do I go? You don't want to hide in the closet 'cause he will check the closet and then you're trapped, so obviously, you're see ya.
Now, you're on the first floor which means you can jump out the window which is awesome except it also means the home invader can come in through the window.
Which means you need a second escape route.
Plus, you hope it's not a group of home invaders like in "Taken," so And nobody ever attacked me and I was safe and I got a kitten.
Let's see that bucket again.
I got the bread.
Excuse me a second.
Don't go through my closet.
That must mean there's something good in there.
Well well well, somebody's got a Mini-Me.
Stop.
She totally looks up to you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm eight feet tall.
I think it's cute.
And a little dangerous.
So your vacuum cleaner doesn't need bags? No.
And there's no loss of suction? None that I've noticed.
Wow.
Here, let me get more ice for you.
Hi, I'm Aubrey.
- Ginny.
- Good for you.
- What? - I wish I could be one of those girls who just doesn't care.
When I get an apartment, I'm gonna paint all the walls black and hang silver tinsel from the ceiling.
- That's terrifying.
- Not as terrifying as your fainting couch.
Martha said a fainting couch is the perfect way to create seating without blocking natural light.
She's just jealous.
We all are.
This place is amazing.
We should totally make it our hangout.
Like in that Irish movie where minnie driver was fat.
And they had that clubhouse in the woods where they would all go for parties and secret trysts? Yes, this could be our secret Irish trysty place.
Done.
Hey, stay over tonight.
We'll initiate the clubhouse.
- Oh, I can't.
- Me either.
- Parents shot the idea down.
- It was your idea.
The whole "no adult supervision" thing - is a no go.
- Yeah, it was a big deal.
There was oath swearing and everything.
Oh.
Okay.
But we can hang out during the day.
And we'll work out a system eventually.
- See you tomorrow? - Yes.
Thanks for coming.
Take leftovers.
- Hey.
- You guys going? We have a mysterious something to get to.
- It was a great party.
- Thanks.
Let me get you a favor.
- Chocolate chip.
- And they're warm.
Oh my God.
Listen, kid, one more piece of advice.
Don't bond with the old lady next door.
- Mrs.
Weidemeyer? - You see her door open, dive for cover.
And whatever you do, do not tell her you have a car.
Old ladies are giant con artists.
- Con artists? - They start small.
Trips to the market and the yarn shop, but before you know it you're picking up their prescriptions at 11:00 at night and driving them to the hospital when their hips break.
And you think they only have two hips, how many can they break? 'Cause they break the same hips over and over.
Got it.
Sweetie, my throat's a little dry.
Could you get me a lozenge? Sure.
- That girl is not normal.
- I'm not disagreeing.
There wasn't a bong in the entire place.
When I was her age, everything in my room was either a bong or something I could make into a bong.
I was 25 before I owned an appliance.
It was a used microwave that had permanent soup stains and I'm pretty sure radiated my ovaries.
- We should hit it.
- Mmm.
So remember, rules of the road, - no putting your seat back.
- Come on.
- You'll fall asleep.
- So? So it's not fair that you get to sleep and I don't.
And if you put your seat back, you will go to sleep.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
I promise I won't fall asleep if you promise me there's a bathroom at this thing.
Fine.
Put your seat back.
Hello, Milly.
Glad you could make it.
Thank you for the invitation.
May I take your purse? Why? I just thought you'd be more comfortable without it.
- Really? - Really.
I'll keep it.
Thank you.
My kitchen remodel is taking forever so I had to order in.
I hope you like blondie's.
I do like them.
They pay on time and don't complain too much.
You rent to them too? My client list is confidential.
Have a seat, Milly.
Water? It's the staff of life.
Okay if we just serve ourselves? It's informal, I know.
But we're not sitting in Downton Abbey, are we? No.
Not by a long shot.
I'll cut to the chase here, Milly.
I overreacted earlier.
When you tried to take my purse? At the backer's rehearsal.
I agree.
But you have to understand, you forced me to act that way.
How do you figure? You haven't had a lot of experience with creative endeavors.
Creating art is not democratic.
These carrots look good.
My dance studio is my kingdom.
And I am the reigning monarch, and I am not accustomed to input.
You can create all you want.
But if you don't have a stage to put it on, it's useless.
What's on this? - Tarragon.
- Yuck.
Look, Milly, we each have a role here and they're both important, but you stepped on mine.
When you're the money person, you get to do that.
You get to step on people? Diplomatically speaking.
There's no diplomatic way to step on people.
Is this all you ordered? You're always right, is that it, Milly? - You're always right.
- Close to always.
- Really? - Yes.
Well, guess what the staff of life is, Milly.
It's not water.
It's bread.
I'm pretty sure it's water.
- It's bread.
- It's both.
They're both important.
People die without water.
We're getting off the subject here.
You brought up bread.
For this partnership to work, you need to meet me halfway.
You can at least do that.
Not if I don't want to.
By the way, do you have any bread? See, this is why nobody likes you.
This pig-headed stubbornness of yours.
No.
The reason people don't like me is because I have money.
That's not why people don't like you.
If you lost all your money tomorrow, people would still dislike you.
No.
They would dislike me because when I had money they were jealous.
No one likes people with money.
They like Warren Buffett.
Give me a break.
The man owns See's Candy.
Everyone likes See's Candy.
They like the candy, not the man.
Only his family likes the man because when the man dies they'll get money.
What do you want, Milly? What's the bottom line here? Bottom line? I'm tired of being considered just a businessperson.
I want to be considered important in the arts.
It's a ballet studio in a small town.
It's a starting point.
There's a lot to know.
It's not just about giving money.
Well, I want to know all there is.
If that's what it takes.
Fine.
Then I will give you books, DVDs.
I will personally teach you about dance and ballet.
And I'll have my pianist teach you everything you want to know about music.
Wow.
What? Sounds mondo time-consuming.
It is mondo time-consuming.
Mm.
Let me ask you this, Milly.
Do you want to know the arts or just be perceived as someone who knows the arts? What kind of time commitment would the second one be? - Hardly any.
- I'm listening.
Let's make a deal.
I will gladly tell anyone you want that you are a master of the arts.
In exchange, you will leave the creative end completely to me.
What do you say? Fanny, I think we have a deal.
Good.
Will you tell people it was my idea to wear the tutus? Absolutely.
It was a lovely party.
So grown up.
Heavens, I didn't even think you were old enough to have a car.
Do you have a car? Nope.
No car.
Just feet.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? I heard you were having a party.
Oh, yeah.
Guess my invitation got lost? So can I come in? Sure.
Who told you about it? Aubrey was cheering at my game.
She assumed I was invited.
When did you start playing basketball again? Three weeks ago.
- Oh.
- Yep.
It's kind of been a while since we've talked.
So where are we anyway? My apartment.
Your what? My apartment.
It was a housewarming party.
You got an apartment and never told me.
A whole apartment.
You actually moved? - It was sudden.
- So if I had shown up at your house with a boom box and Peter Gabriel blasting The new owners would have called the police.
Right.
Okay.
So, clearly this isn't going to happen, right? Hey, this isn't about you.
Okay? I've been dealing with a lot of stuff.
My parents completely abandoned me.
I'm suddenly on my own, and I had to get furniture, and redo the floors, and I don't know if you've ever set up utilities, but if you don't have a credit card, it's a problem.
And every time I thought about my apartment and you, and you in my apartment with me, it was weird and confusing.
And I'm like, "what? Is he gonna think" "I'm inviting him over to my big parent free" "sex palace now?" And it freaked me out.
And I had a party to plan and lettuce to wash so I had to put you over there in a corner because I just couldn't deal with it yet.
Wow.
You're weirder than I thought.
And I thought you were pretty weird.
And why would I just assume that this is a sex palace, huh? I don't even know what the hell a sex palace is.
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't sound like a bad thing, but I wouldn't have just assumed that this is one of them.
- Hey! - What? So what? This isn't gonna happen? Oh my God, you're nuts.
You're seriously certifiable.
I have been calling and texting and throwing my self-respect out the window and basically stalking you, and you just told me I was outranked by lettuce.
So yeah, it doesn't really seem like you want this to happen.
- Well, I do.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah! - Fine.
When? - Friday.
- 8:00? - Fine.
- Great.
- Bye! - Bye! Is the man on fire yet? We're not there.
Go back to sleep.
Where are we? Took a little detour.
Just have to run a quick errand.
I'll be back in a second.
What? I told you to stay in the car.
I thought I'd get some fries.
I'll get you fries.
Go back to the car.
I might want something with my fries.
What? What do you want with your fries? I don't know.
More fries? Go back to the car and I'll bring you something you'll like.
It'll be a surprise.
Like a game.
- You like games.
- You're being weird.
What's going on? Is the gun behind the toilet or something? You've got to be kidding me.
- Michelle - You drove all the way to - Where are we? - Sacramento.
Sacramento? Sacramento? Please, Michelle, go back to the car.
Tell me, Scotty, tell me why you drove 200 miles to see mom.
A woman I've been actively successfully avoiding for 121/2 years? This isn't about you.
I just have to do something.
- What? - Please.
Go back to the car.
Mom.
Hang on.
I'm kind of in a hurry, mom.
If I don't finish this article now, I'll have to start all over again.
You know that.
God.
Susan Sarandon is so interesting.
Should have been more political.
Women who are political are so much more interesting than women who are not.
You want something to drink? Coffee and fries, please.
- What are you doing? - Ordering coffee and fries.
- Why? - 'Cause you can't sit in a diner and not order anything.
It's super rude.
Just go back to the car.
Ignore me.
I'm not here.
- How are the cheeseburgers? - Compared to what? I'll have a cheeseburger.
Is that Michelle? Yes.
Why did you bring Michelle? Mom, please.
Let's just do this, okay? I'm not prepared for Michelle.
I didn't dress for Michelle.
God.
Anyway, did I tell you about the condo? Talk and look, mom.
Well, it's perfect for me.
It has two bedrooms so you can stay in one if you ever visit.
And a bonus room I'm going to turn into my recording studio.
Her recording studio? I told you I was gonna make an album, right? Her recording studio? No, you didn't.
You're not here.
I always wanted to sing.
And Rufus has pro tools.
Rufus is my new boyfriend.
You didn't ask.
He's younger.
Not as young as Susan Sarandon's boyfriend, but he's younger than me.
Well, great.
- You have the - He's 35.
I have a 35-year-old boyfriend.
Isn't that amazing? Not at all.
You know what's fun? Oceanography.
- What? - Nothing.
So, you're buying a condo.
I am! My friend Jenny, she was looking at it first.
She wanted to turn the bonus room into a gym, but it's gonna make a much better recording studio.
I thought I'd try country and western because I look good in hats.
Silly reason, right? - Yes.
- No.
Yes.
- Here's your coffee.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Those are unfamiliar words.
Scotty, tell Shania Twain eyes on her own paper.
Mom, please.
Oh yes.
It's just your standard legal blah blah blah.
I don't see where the guardian's signature is supposed to go.
The what? Right there, I think.
The guardian's signature? My pen's dead.
You got a pen? Hello? Guardian signature, what's a guardian signature? Scotty Scotty Scotty Scotty Scotty Scotty Scotty.
I'm mom's guardian.
I have to sign all her financial transactions, okay? How many ways can I say no? Look, she got into a situation.
That's shocking.
She bought a house with a boyfriend not Rufus.
And he was supposed to pay half, but they broke up and mom didn't want to get stuck with a house.
But the only way to get her out of it was to have her declared incompetent which involved me becoming her guardian.
Are you out of your freaking mind? Please, just stay out of this.
How did you let her con you into this? She had to get rid of the house in order to get the condo.
I want to make sure I understand the full crazy here.
She had herself declared incompetent to get out of a place to live in order to get a different place to live.
Well, she was supposed to No.
I haven't gotten to the crazy yet.
She had herself declared incompetent to get out of a place to live and you helped her! She certainly can't expect me to live in a place with so many memories.
Who co-signs on a house with a guy they know it's not gonna work out with? Well, she didn't know that.
It never works out.
It will with Rufus.
Scotty, leave here with me right now.
Just let me sign this.
She will get you into trouble.
'Cause that's what she does.
She drags everyone into her hole of destruction, then somehow she climbs out - and leaves you there.
- So dramatic.
Maybe you should be the country singer.
Mom called me and needed help.
What was I supposed to do? Change your number a lot.
That's what I do.
She acts like I call her.
I'm not that desperate.
I have friends.
I'm making a record.
I don't see how it's any of her business anyhow.
She hasn't cared for 12 years.
121/2.
I don't know why it matters to her now.
There, mom.
Take it.
Michelle? I just wanted to see your face.
Well, door-to-door service and I do accept gratuities.
You can't freeze me out forever.
Yes, I can.
But I won't.
I should get going.
Give me some warning before you get married again.
There's usually not that much time.
I'll sleep at my place tomorrow.