Community s01e15 Episode Script

Missed you at lunch today.
Did you slip out for a quickie with Prof.
Hot Stuff? Her name's Michelle and how did you know? There's a gold star on your fly.
Ah! Heh.
You weren't kidding.
You know it's nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.
See, that's G.
That's the most important chord.
In my mind, it It stands for God.
Why is Annie talking to Micro-Nipples? Vaughn? Whatever.
But not like a Bible God because I think that God is in everything.
You're complicated.
# Annie # # Annie, where you going today? # Spanish class.
# Spanish ## You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt.
He never wears shoes.
Why hasn't he died from lack of service? You watching another movie in your dorm tonight? Kickpuncher starring Don "The Demon" Donaldson as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.
That sounds awful.
I'll bring the popcorn.
Cool.
Uh You You watch bad movies on purpose? Yeah, we make fun of them.
Hmm.
Shirley, don't embarrass yourself.
I'm sure they don't want to invite the housewife.
Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack in a movie.
Care to join us? Usually when a movie's bad, I stop watching, but this sounds college-y.
What time do you want us there? Pierce, you don't wanna watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm.
You wanna lay in your twin bed and think about what you used to be.
What, you think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on, I'm younger than the three of you put together.
Hey, Britta.
You know, everyone talks about his nipples, but his feet freak me out.
Britta.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I ask you something? About Vaughn? Oh, yes, I still don't know if that's his first or last name.
Uh, heh.
He's sweet, actually.
I mean, you must have thought so.
He has a sincerity I found attractive in a simpler time.
Would you? Um, I haven't We haven't Anything.
I mean Wow, you and Vaughn? Would it bug you? Well, what about you and Troy? Troy? The other day after Spanish, I thought he was trying to hold my hand but he had just mistaken me for Abed.
Heh.
He'll never think of me that way.
Well, Annie, I would have to be a villain to tell you who to date.
Which I am not.
Britta, thank you.
You're the coolest girl I've ever met.
Damn right, give me some fivesies.
Heh.
Whoo.
Turning it into a snake.
Oh, cool.
Hey, how's it going? Did you hear? It's cute, Annie and Vaughn.
Get to the cute part.
She's into him.
She asked for my blessing.
And you gave it? Yeah, I'm done with him.
Look, this isn't about you, you groovy hipster.
It's about Annie.
We're like her Greendale parents, you gotta say no to that stuff.
He's not that bad.
Yeah, not if you're 28 and you're fooling around with him.
She's 18.
Her taste in men is still being established.
Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option.
And it all starts with Vaughn.
He's a gateway douche bag.
People collide, things happen.
It can't be controlled, right? And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns.
Oh, yeah, turn to your left.
Oh, now turn to your right.
Yes, we can see both of them.
It's like a constellation on your face.
Hey.
Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah.
That guy over there? He's a douche bag.
Hey, guys.
I hope you don't mind I invited Señor Chang, we're Netflix friends.
Oh, that's cool you're hanging out, drinking beers with your students.
Yeah, clearly none of my other plans fell through.
Let's get to the movie.
Wait Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley.
I'll wait if you wanna serve beverages.
You're going to be waiting a long ass time.
Oh, FBI warning, I'm so scared.
Hey, that's not fair.
I didn't know we started.
It is the year 2006 A.
D.
And nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
I must have missed that.
Nice.
- between cities is a free-fire zone, ruled by scavengers, drug dealers and terrorists.
Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.
Troy, you're crazy, man.
Yeah, I know.
They just come to me.
You want to buy some megadope? It gets you mega high.
Will it get me through this movie? There she goes.
Shirley's in the house.
Freeze, police.
Freeze police? Don't do that, they'll get cold.
Ha-ha-ha.
Kickpuncher.
You've done so much for our city.
Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you? Yeah, two hours of my life back.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh! Don't call me Kickpuncher.
Call me David.
"Directed by Kim Yang.
" Asian, can't direct, can't drive.
Dude, I'm right here.
Right there.
So.
Clearly we're all a bunch of funny people.
When are we doing this again? Well, actually, tomorrow we No.
We were all gonna get I wouldn't.
Right? Tomorrow night, we're all gonna get together and watch Kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker.
Well, I was warming up tonight.
Tomorrow you better foam the runways because I'm bringing my A game.
Awesome.
All right, so check it.
It's just like surfing without water.
All right, your turn.
Get up there, come on.
Heh-heh.
I'm # Annie's gonna ride # Oh, my God.
# Annie's gonna ride the wave # He's got her in some kind of hippie collar.
I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.
We've got to do something.
Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do? Let's just center ourselves.
There it is.
We say we disapprove, we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms.
We need to be smart, to need to hatch a scheme.
Hmm.
Hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.
Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse.
This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in New York.
Okay, if you're gonna get Upper East Side about this, I think we're done.
Hey, Winger, check out Annie.
Somebody just went to the top of my to-do list.
Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
Thank you.
It's all very simple.
In Annie's world, long before Vaughn, she only had eyes for Troy.
So if Troy becomes a real option, Annie will drop Vaughn in a hippie's heartbeat.
Crash course in manipulation.
You don't actually tell the person what you want them to do.
You help them realize they want to do it so it can't be traced back to you.
Hmm.
Got it.
Chemistry, sexy.
You know what else is sexy? Annie.
I know Chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.
Well, every other guy on campus does.
You really don't see how pretty Annie is? Maybe it's because I knew her back in high school before she dropped out.
She had braces and acne and a pill addiction.
A nervous breakdown ending with her running through a plate glass door screaming: "Everyone's a robot.
" I see what's happening here.
Troy, I want you to clear your head.
Done.
I'm gonna describe to you a complete stranger who happens who happens to be in our study group.
Would you excuse us for a moment? Annie? No kidding? Come on, you gotta be exaggerating.
Oh, man.
Ahem.
And she's Jewish? I can't believe I didn't see that.
Well, I guess she deserves another shot.
Oh, wait.
Never mind, it's too late, I heard she's hooking up with Vaughn.
Only to make you jealous.
What? She's helplessly in love with you, she's only with Vaughn to get your attention.
And you have to give it to her now, right, Jeff? Sure.
But the point is we're not telling you what to do.
Oh, yeah, you didn't hear it from us.
Boo-ya.
I have the weirdest boner.
I saw you die.
How can you be alive? I guess it's just a bad day for drug-dealing terrorists.
And a good day for Kickpuncher.
All right, guys, you hear that pause after he says, "And a good day, ?" What do you got for me there? A good day for a nutritious breakfast.
I don't get it.
It's a good day for a terrible movie.
A good day for hair products? Oh, Buzz, how many times can you keep going to go to that well? Come on, guys, I'm starting to wonder if you deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe.
I told you, on movie night I need to blow these punks out of the water.
I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.
Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time? What are you, my third wife's therapist? What if he said, "It's a good day for," And you said, "For being gay?" You are a genius.
He likes gay jokes.
What? I said we write great jokes.
Don't flatter yourselves.
Whoa.
Hey, Annie, it's me, Troy.
Oh, I don't know where Abed is.
I can try calling him if you want.
No, I'm not looking for my other half.
I'm looking for you, girl.
Oh.
Yeah, let that sink in for a second.
Mm.
You know, I never noticed how beautiful you are.
Troy, you're being weird.
Sorry it took me so long.
They made me find a s-shirt.
Vaughn, you remember Troy.
Um, we went to high school together and he's in my study group.
Hey, what's up, man? Hi, bro.
Heh.
I'm not your bro, bro.
Oh, well, actually, everyone is my bro in the whole entire universe because everything is connected.
Rocks, eagles, hats.
Yeah, but some things are more connected than others like tarantulas and me peeing my pants.
Or me and Annie.
What, wait.
Troy? What? Tell him.
Tell him that you've been in love with me since high school.
What? Wait a minute, is that true, Mountain Flower? No.
I mean Ugh.
I never wanna lie to you.
So I will tell you, I did have feelings for him but it's over, I swear.
You swear? Like Britta swore that she didn't like Jeff.
Then gave him a copy of my poem so he could laugh at me with that Sherri Shepherd lady? It's happening again.
Your study group is evil.
And you don't deserve ice cream.
Well, he's a baby.
Now, where were we? Ugh! I like him.
Why would you do that? Come on, everybody knows you want a cut of the T-Bone steak.
Ugh.
Jeff and Britta told me how you feel.
Wait.
Jeff and Britta did what now? Oh, you're even hotter when you're angry.
Let's do this.
Red Shoe Diaries.
I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.
To Annie's inevitable breakup with Grodie J.
McConaughey.
And to her and Troy.
We did the right thing.
They belong together.
Plus, their babies will be so cute.
Why would you say that? Come on.
You know that babies are extra cute when the parents are Both cute? Do you want kids? We'll see.
Put on something nice and find me after lunch.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for getting involved in my love life.
That was super cool and mature of you.
Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic.
Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand.
And turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me.
Hey, guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni.
Shut up, Leonard, nobody even knows what you're talking about.
I did eat all the macaroni.
It's messed up that he knows.
Let's light this candle.
Who's ready for some Kickpunching? Actually, we decided to watch Runaway instead.
Tom Selleck fights mechanical spiders.
What? No, no, you can't do that.
We just watched Kickpuncher, we have to see Kickpuncher 2.
I have so many unanswered questions.
No, I wanna watch Tom Selleck fight mechanical spiders.
Yes.
Yeah.
My brother died on the set of that movie.
One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces.
And Tom Selleck just stood there.
He just stood there and watched him die.
Okay, then, let's watch your Kickpuncher 2 then.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry for your loss.
Yeah.
That's messed up, dude.
Kickpuncher 2.
My punches were only as strong as my punches.
And then things changed.
Change? Time to change the channel.
This guy's gonna be begging for change if he keeps making movies this bad.
Heh-heh-heh.
They should change this movie to something good.
This movie stinks, we better change its diaper.
Heh.
That's change we can believe in.
Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.
What do you mean? I'm making jokes during a movie.
Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm just that brilliant.
I think you came prepared.
Dude, even I know you're lame.
And I'm a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.
You're not a professor.
Shut up, man.
Fine, you got me.
I did a little advanced work.
Pathetic? No.
I'll tell you what's pathetic.
You all sitting here making fun of other people's work.
You don't feel good about yourselves so you have to tear down everything around you.
What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breastfeed? She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.
You all sicken me.
And I will no longer participate in your destructive, negative behavior.
Pierce, that was deep.
And total BS.
Yeah, this isn't about us.
This is a deflection because you can't get a genuine laugh.
Mm-hm.
That, in itself, is a laugh.
I know I'm funny and I don't need any of you people to validate me.
Hmm.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Biggest laugh of the night.
Yes, it was.
Totally.
Then I was going to say, "It's a good day to be gay.
" Annie.
We're sorry, we were worried about your well-being.
I guess we feel like we're sort of all a family.
And Jeff and I are like your Greendale parents.
You're not my mom, Britta.
She would never wear boots that go up that high.
And what about respecting me as an adult and as a friend? Huh.
You want to be treated as an adult and a friend? Try not dating your friend's ex-boyfriend.
Find your man.
Oh, my.
Oh, boy.
But you don't like Vaughn.
No, I don't, but I also don't like seeing him with anyone else.
Ta-da! I asked you if you cared and you said no.
Fine.
I cared.
I'm a girly girl.
I like boys.
I don't like it when they're mean to me.
I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends.
I'm not that cool.
I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice? This is what it was about for you? You were jealous? Oh, please, you can't tell me that you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hands all over your debatelmake-out partner.
What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team.
What? Yeah.
That kiss wasn't for pleasure.
It was strategic and joyless.
What? Yeah.
You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie's body.
More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta? What? Does anyone get specific about me? Check your e-mail.
I marked you as spam.
Who the hell is Pam? When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in Brady Bunch.
And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.
I agree with Abed, this is getting creepy.
No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill.
" What? First, I don't talk like that.
Second of all, where I'm from, it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides.
You don't see me saying anything crazy about, uh, Abed and Troy's weird, little relationship.
They're just jealous.
All right.
All right, maybe we're not a family.
Maybe it's more complicated.
Because unlike a real family, there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.
Why are we even talking about this? Because you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.
What? We haven't even kissed.
That doesn't mean you're not having sex.
Vaughn told me he would take things as slowly as I wanted.
He likes me for who I am and I like him.
You guys hear that? Annie.
Vaughn.
Britta.
Hi.
Old man river.
Eat me.
Did you get my messages? No.
I threw my phone into the river.
I thought that, "You know, if I can't be with her, who am I gonna call?" And then I thought, you know, well, my landlord and my sister and you.
Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and this is something I really need to say.
# I see you when you smile And I want to sing a song # # But then I write the words And they always come out wrong # # They come out wrong # # I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes # # But then the words get frozen In my mouth like Eskimos # # I like your nose # # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # # Annie Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # # Annie's song ## His songs are dumber than he is.
Yeah, but they're honest.
I'll be right here.
Vaughn wants to show me a cloud that looks like a pumpkin.
Heh.
If that's okay.
Annie, it's more than okay.
Please date Vaughn.
Or anyone else outside this creepy circle.
I wouldn't hang out with you guys if you were creepy.
Trust me, I have good taste.
Oh, you smell like boysenberries.
So just to be clear, I don't have a shot with any of you? Ugh.
Oh, my God.
I'm dizzy.
I am Kickpuncher.
My cyber punches have the power of kicks.
Mm, mm.
I am Punchkicker, meet your match.
I love you, Kickpuncher.
The only thing beyond the reach of my fists is humanity.
Mm-mm.
You sure Britta couldn't do your part? Yeah, I asked her, she wasn't available.
Let's go film the sex scene.